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Seated on a bench under the clouded winter sky, Takina breathes in the scent of Chisato’s warm scarf around her neck. The aroma is sweet and pleasant, like the parfaits served at LycoReco café. It smells like her, she thinks. As Takina’s gaze shifts to Chisato sitting beside her, her stomach sinks to think that the comforting aroma of Chisato will vanish altogether in only two months’ time.
Takina’s gaze darts anxiously upward to the sky. She can’t help but worry. She’s strategically planned every moment of the day to maximize fun, but her last stop relies on the one thing she can’t control – fate.
Chisato is quick to notice her impatience.
“Are we waiting for something?” Chisato asks.
“Snow,” Takina answers meekly. “At nine o’clock.” She’s spent the entire day carefully observing her weather app, and yet, even though the clock has struck nine and the air has certainly grown cold, they are both met with a snowless night.
Chisato immediately bursts into a laugh. “That’s why!”
Takina tries to hide her displeasure. “I thought it was the perfect schedule, but…”
Chisato’s angelic laugh breaks Takina’s train of thought.
“God is whimsical, after all,” Chisato says.
Takina’s stomach churns. How whimsical, indeed, she thinks. She’s been made aware already how fickle fate can be. She only wishes she realized it sooner. Since the news of Chisato’s condition was made known to her, she’s been beating herself up, wondering how she could let days, weeks, months go by thinking only about her desire to return to the DA rather than savoring what she knows now to be the limited time she has left with Chisato.
“Of all days,” Takina says, unable to hide the disappointment in her voice, “I wish He wasn’t today.”
“Why?”
“Because…” Takina can’t bring herself to say it.
“Perhaps you’re returning to the DA?” Chisato correctly guesses.
Takina still wonders how, after all this time, Chisato can always seem to sense what’s going on in Takina’s head. It’s a quality Takina has grown to admire about her, and heartbreakingly, it’s a quality that Takina will miss once she’s gone.
“I knew it,” Chisato exclaims. “You did it! When will it be?” she asks with her usual cheeky grin and vibrant eyes. Takina is still shocked how unchanged her personality is after hearing of her grim fate.
Takina hesitates, then says, “Tomorrow.”
“Aren’t you happy?” Chisato asks.
Months ago, Takina would have returned Chisato’s question with an ecstatic “yes!”. She’s worked hard to regain the trust of the DA. She spent months agonizing over her removal. But then one day altogether, Takina simply stopped caring. She can try to owe it to the fact that she’s been enjoying her waitressing job at LycoReco or that she’s away from the other judgmental Lycoris agents at the DA, but she knows the true reason. She’s known for a while now.
It’s all because of Chisato.
However, Takina can’t simply confess her displeasure at returning, not when she sees the eagerness in Chisato’s eyes. Everything Chisato has done for her was to aid her in her mission to be reinstated at the DA. Admitting her disappointment now would be a slap in the face to all of Chisato’s hard work.
Aren’t you happy?
Takina settles on the second best answer, one that doesn’t hide her disappointment but also doesn’t write off all the hard work she and Chisato have both put in over the last months.
“I don’t know,” Takina responds at last.
Despite the lack of enthusiasm in her voice, Chisato smiles at her in return. “I see,” she says. “Indeed, it would have been nice if it had snowed.”
“Yes.”
Takina glances back up at the clouded sky where there continues to be no semblance of snowfall. Indeed, it would have been nice. It would be nice if Chisato’s lifespan weren’t so limited either. The frustration Takina has tried to suppress all day suddenly threatens to surface.
Takina stands. “Everything is so irrational. Don’t you think so?” She turns, watching Chisato’s lips part in an answer, but Takina disrupts her before she can even manage to form a syllable. “Chisato…how can you not be more upset?”
“About you returning to the DA? I’m excited for you!” Chisato answers naively.
“Chisato,” Takina responds, harsher.
She knows Chisato isn’t blind to the elephant in the room. Since that fateful day in the doctor’s office, the topic of Chisato’s mortality has barely been discussed between the two of them. Each time Takina has tried to bring up the subject, Chisato has found a way to quickly divert the subject or put another new positive spin on the fact that she is dying.
Chisato grows quiet. Though she tries to keep a smile on her face, Takina can see it gradually fading. “It’s like I said earlier,” Chisato says softly. “I didn’t have that much time left anyway.”
“How can you be okay with that?!” Takina exclaims, clenching her fists. She knows it’s foolish of her to be angry. This is Chisato’s battle, not hers, and yet, Takina almost wishes it really was her own. Maybe then she could have some control over the situation.
“We’re all going to die eventually,” Chisato says at last, her eyes gazing upward towards the sky. “I already got a second chance at life with the surgery. I might as well appreciate the life I’ve lived and savor the time I have left.” The words are said in her usual, optimistic tone, but for Takina, it’s not enough.
“But what if we can do something about it?!” Takina exclaims.
“Like go after the nurse? Don’t be silly,” Chisato scolds. “It won’t change my fate.”
“Not that! Something else! Maybe if there was a way to access the system again or a different contraption—”
“Takina,” Chisato says, in a harsh, condescending tone. It’s enough to shove Takina into silence. Never before has she heard Chisato address her like a mother scolding her own child. “You’re being selfish.”
The words sting.
Takina opens her mouth to protest. “I—”
Chisato’s hands grip the edge of the bench, enough for her knuckles to turn white. The words that leave her mouth are quiet and haunting, lacking any of the warmth of her usual tone of voice.
“Don’t you think I’ve had my share of frustration, too? Knowing for years that this…” She places her hand over her chest. “That this miracle inside me would also be the cause of my death one day?”
As Chisato lets out a long sigh, her breath comes out in wisps. “I’m tired, Takina. Maybe one day I hoped that there would be another solution, but there isn’t one. I’ve lived long enough. I’ve fulfilled my purpose as a Lycoris.”
I’m such a hypocrite, Takina thinks. Months earlier, she would have spewed similar sentiments over her desire to be reinstated at the DA more than anything. But when those words leave Chisato’s mouth, Takina immediately hates them.
“Maybe I am selfish,” Takina responds, biting in tone. “But you’re worth so much more than being a Lycoris agent. I…”
The words falter in Takina’s mouth. She wonders why it’s so embarrassing to say.
“I care about you, and…I don’t want you to die,” she finally gets out.
Takina’s throat grows chalky with those last words, and immediately, she sinks to her knees, letting out a childish sob. For the past few days, she’s only quietly cried in private and allotted the appropriate amount of time (she’s determined it be twenty minutes) before confidently rejoining the others without a tear-stained face. But now, she sobs loudly into her hands, expressing the frustration she never felt comfortable sharing in front of Chisato before now.
“Takina,” Chisato says softly. She extends a hand out toward her, and through her teary eyes, Takina shakily reaches for it. Chisato’s palm is soft and cool from the winter cold. Takina tries to memorize her touch in the moment.
“I’m proud of you,” Chisato murmurs, “for sharing your emotions.”
Suddenly, Chisato is pulling Takina upward, back onto her feet. Takina clumsily lands in Chisato’s arms, where Chisato immediately embraces her. Takina melts into her and sobs. She knows her tears are staining Chisato’s scarf that she so generously lent to her. She knows it’s foolish for her to be the one crying when Chisato is going to die. But Takina can’t help but grip tightly onto Chisato’s coat anyway and let the tears flow.
Takina’s breathing calms as Chisato’s fingers begin to thread through her long, dark hair. Her cheeks burn in embarrassment for needing Chisato to comfort her, but suddenly, Takina feels something wet drip down onto her own cheek. Takina turns her face to look at Chisato and sees it then – the tears rolling slowly down Chisato’s face. Unlike Takina, her cries are quiet, but by the way she is trembling against Takina, there’s no doubt that she is emotional too.
Takina says nothing, not wanting to embarrass Chisato. Instead, she buries her face deeper into Chisato’s coat, savoring her scent, her touch, all of her. She removes one of her hands from Chisato’s side and gradually brings it upward to rest against Chisato’s chest.
“O-Oi!” Chisato exclaims, startled.
Even though she expected nothing different, Takina still is disappointed to feel no heartbeat underneath her palm. It saddens her to know that something so symbolic of life is already absent in Chisato, like she’s already dead. Perhaps something without a heartbeat was never meant to live.
Takina removes her hand from Chisato’s chest slowly and leans back to stare at her. Chisato’s eyes are glassy with tears, but even then, Takina still thinks she looks hauntingly beautiful. She wonders when she was first made aware of Chisato’s beauty. Perhaps she’s always known, but lately, it’s all she’s thought about at night, especially when faced with the reality that Chisato’s face will soon only be a distant image in her mind. Takina breathes out slowly, knowing that she can no longer deny her attachment to Chisato. It’s been building steadily over the past few months, so much so that when she closes her eyes, all she can see, hear, and think of is her cheerful partner.
“Chisato?” Takina speaks.
“Hm?”
“I would like to kiss you.”
Chisato’s eyes widen. “Wah—Takina! Where did that boldness come from?”
“Do you not want to kiss me?” Takina asks, staring down in disappointment.
“No, that’s not what I meant! You startled me, that’s all!” Chisato exclaims. “But I don’t understand—”
“What is there not to understand? We’ve been spending a lot of time together these last few months. I’ve been reviewing our past interactions and have determined that there is a strong probability that many of them were flirtatious. I specifically structured today’s outing so that it would be similar to a date.”
“Takina, are you…confessing to me?” Chisato asks.
“Yes, I am revealing my romantic feelings for you,” Takina answers.
“So blunt!” Chisato exclaims. She slowly lets out a giggle.
“Are you mocking me?” Takina wonders.
Chisato shakes her head, though she’s still laughing too hard to construe a simple sentence. As much as Takina wants to pout at her response, it’s nice to see Chisato laughing again after the dark conversation they were sharing only moments before.
Finally, Chisato catches her breath. “I suppose it only makes sense that you would confess in such a…well…Takina way,” she says, giggling once again. She reaches for Takina’s palm and holds it in her own. “I’m flattered,” she says, but then her tone shifts to one that Takina doesn’t like. “But…I won’t be here much longer, and I don’t want you getting hurt.”
“That doesn’t matter to me,” Takina answers. Because at the end of the day, it truly doesn’t. Yes, she will leave Chisato tomorrow to return to the DA, but she also can’t leave without Chisato knowing how she feels. Perhaps it is selfish, but she hopes that if Chisato knows her feelings, maybe…she’ll have a stronger will to live.
“You really are stubborn,” Chisato says. She interlaces her arms behind Takina’s back and pulls her closer.
Takina stiffens. “What are you—”
“You wanted to kiss, didn’t you? Unless you’ve changed your mind?” Chisato asks in a teasing tone.
Takina shakes her head. “N-No. I still want to,” she says.
She dryly gulps as Chisato’s face moves nearer. Her heart pounds in anticipation. She wishes she could sense Chisato’s nervousness too, but Takina supposes there are some benefits to having no heartbeat. Takina shuts her eyes in anticipation, gasping once Chisato’s lips finally meet her own.
Late at night, Takina has sometimes dreamt of this moment, but standing here, under the winter sky, those dreams pale in comparison to the real thing. Chisato’s lips taste sweet like sugar, and her breath is warm on Takina’s face. Their kiss is slow and experimental at first, but eventually, Takina grips onto Chisato’s shoulders and deepens the kiss. Maybe Chisato’s heart isn’t beating as fast as hers, but she can at least feel Chisato’s trembling limbs underneath her palms.
Chisato is the first to break away, much to Takina’s dismay. Takina whines in protest, but then is silenced as Chisato’s lips move to trace her cheeks instead. Takina whimpers under Chisato’s touch as she kisses away the remnants of tears. Takina thinks she could get lost in this moment forever.
Suddenly, something cold touches her face. She slowly opens an eye and gasps.
“Chisato,” she says, tugging Chisato’s arm.
Chisato finally pulls her face away from Takina’s. Her cheeks are rosy, either from the cold or kissing; Takina isn’t sure. This time, Chisato pouts in protest, but Takina quickly points to the sky above them.
“Snow,” Takina says. She can’t help but smile in satisfaction. Sure, there were hiccups, but it looks like her carefully scheduled day of fun was a success after all.
“Wow! Look at that!” Chisato exclaims. She gently removes her embrace from Takina and twirls under the cascading snowflakes.
Seeing Chisato filled with so much joy, even in the face of such a grim fate, makes Takina want to cry all over again. She holds back her tears though, deciding she wants to enjoy this moment instead. Dancing around in the snowflakes with Chisato, high off the euphoria of their first kiss, makes it easy for Takina to briefly forget all that’s wrong.
When they’re both tired, they settle back down on the bench, watching the ground gradually become covered in a thin layer of snow.
“Earlier,” Chisato says, “You said everything was irrational. But I think there’s no use worrying about things you can’t resolve on your own. Accept them with everything you’ve got! When I do, generally good things happen.”
Takina stares at her. She supposes she can never shake Chisato’s optimism. Perhaps that’s why she grew to have feelings for her in the first place.
“You know, I’m satisfied with the life I’ve had,” Chisato continues, “And I’m even more happy to have met you,” she says, flashing Takina a cheeky grin.
Takina is quiet for a few moments.
“I’m going to do my best when I return to the DA tomorrow,” she says. “If there’s a way to save you, I’ll find it. I promise.”
Chisato is still smiling, but her next words are haunting.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Takina,” she says softly.
The snow is coming down in heavier flurries now, and the air has grown colder. As much as Takina doesn’t want to admit it, she knows that their day of fun has ultimately come to an end. While she still can’t shake off the heavy burden of Chisato’s mortality, she feels slightly better, having shared her feelings for Chisato and her determination to keep her alive.
Takina stands reluctantly. “I have to contact the DA before the day is over,” she realizes.
Chisato stands up beside her and smiles. “Okay. Go on then,” she says, giving Takina a slight push.
Takina spins back around, suddenly aware once more of the warm scarf on her neck.
“Oh, this—”
“That’s my parting gift,” Chisato responds quickly. “Take it!”
Takina hesitates in place. Chisato is staring at her innocently, and Takina’s heart breaks as she thinks of the distance that will be between them when she returns to the DA the following morning. She quickly lunges forward, grips Chisato’s shoulder, and plants a chaste kiss to her lips. She notices Chisato’s eyes widen in surprise.
“Thank you,” Takina says as she pulls away. “I’ll be going now.”
She leaves then, descending the steps down from the outlook. As she reaches the bottom of the steps, she pauses, forcing herself to look back one last time. Chisato looks angelic standing among the snowflakes. Though the falling snow seems to mask it, Takina can just make out the warmest smile on Chisato’s face. She quickly returns it.
Even though Takina hopes, prays, that this will not be one of her last memories of Chisato, she thinks as she departs that she will always fondly remember the first fall of snow for years to come.