Chapter Text
Nothing can break me from my troubled sleep. Not the car swaying on the slick road, the lightning streaking across the sky, or the wind howling through the old windows. My nightmares continue their hold on me. The smell, the weight keeping me down, the laughter in the background, it all trapped me in a dark place I don’t want to be. If only I could open my eyes.
“Katniss! Wake up!” Her sweet voice is like crumbs leading the way home and finally I pry my sticky eyes open and start focusing on the world around me. My head is in the lap of my little sister. Her face is filled with concern, making her look much older than her 14 years.
“Are you okay Katniss? You were whimpering in you sleep again,” she asks, stroking my hair out of my face.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bad dream that’s all. It’s this weird rain in August. How the hell does that happen.” I sit up shakily, unsuccessfully try to give her a smile before sliding to the other side of the car. I tuck my legs underneath me and lean my head against the window, staring at the raindrops streak horizontally across the window.
“I guess because we are in Washington, not California anymore,” she says lightly. My sister’s hand hovers at the corner of my eye for a moment before she puts it in her lap. Ever defiant when it comes to my attempts to pull away, she mirrors my position and her legs jut out enough so her feet touch mine. I let our bare feet intertwine and relax a little. She is the only one who really knows how to handle me these days.
“Katniss, put your seatbelt on.” My mother says looking at me through the rearview mirror. I’m not up to her attempts at motherhood though so I just give her a scowl before I settle my head back against the window.
“Where are we anyway?” I ask looking at no one.
“We’re almost there girls! Our new home. Just a few more minutes.” I can hear the strain in my mother’s voice as she tries to sound cheery. She is really trying, but it is just too damn late. At least for me anyway, so I close my eyes and this time try not to fall back asleep. Prim and mother start chatting about how exciting it is to move, wonder what their new town will be like, chattering on and on. I know they are trying to convince me this new start will be a good thing but I don’t care. Just as long as I am far away from my old home. But this will not change how people see me or how I feel about myself. It is just a temporary escape.
The car slows down and turns, indicating that we are pulling off the highway. I open my eyes then start looking at the quaint beach town that is our new home. My mother is familiar with this town since she grew up her and she navigates the neighborhoods easily. Prim sits up straight, looking right and left at everything we pass, obviously excited. I don’t know how she can be so optimistic since she had to leave all her friends behind, but when she turns to me with a big smile, this time I give her real one. Small for sure, but it’s enough for her and she squeezes my hand which makes my smile becomes a little bigger. She has that effect on me.
We turn onto a small quiet cul de sac where the houses are all somewhat rundown, unassuming but somewhat charming. We pull into the house at the end of the block. With peeling paint, a sagging porch, and the lawn more dirt than grass it is the probably the most in need of repair, but it is still the largest one. There are forgotten toys scattered in the front, and a rambling primrose bush that cheers up the place. This is my new home I realize, I won’t be going back and my heart is a little lighter at the thought.
Once the car comes to a stop, a girl and boy run out and circle our car, bouncing as they try to look in. Their mother comes out with her son, a boy Prim’s age, looking tired but a warm smile lights her face. My mother and sister leave the car quickly ready to get out after our long drive. The other woman gives my mother a large hug, not caring for a moment how wet it is outside. I am more slow to leave the car, but it’s just because I’m not ready to be around so many people at once. But I do anyway and once I get into earshot I hear my mother saying lowly, “Thanks for taking us in. I don’t know what we would have done if you said no.” My mother is enveloped in a warm hug with an “of course” and guilt threatens to pummel me.
“Come out of the rain everyone! We can get your things later.” They all run in, but again I take my time, letting myself get cold. It feels good on my skin, it makes me feel more than just the numbness that has taken over since I’ve gotten out.
“Come on Katniss I want to introduce you to everyone,” my mother says as I step into the entryway. Although I know all of them from when I was younger, my mother still introduces her friend Hazelle along with her six year old daughter Posy and her two sons Vic and Rory. “We’re only missing Gale, he's at Stanford correct? Do you remember playing with Gale when you were kids Katniss?” my mom asks cheerfully.
“Of course I do mom,” I snap out causing everyone to shift uneasily at my foul mood. I’ve only been here for five minutes and already I’ve made it awkward.
“Well I made some stew for everyone. Why don’t we go to the dining room and eat.” Hazelle says, trying to keep things bright. We all follow her to the dining room where bowls and bread have already been set out for everyone. I sit at the chair closest to the door and tell myself I can stick this out. Hazelle starts to ask how the trip went so Prim and mom take their turns talking animatedly. I sit and quietly try to eat the food put before me, but everything feels like it sticks in my throat. The only thing that seems to go down is the fresh sourdough bread, it’s warm smell makes me relax despite myself.
“So Billy said that his mom told him that you are a bad girl. Is that true?” I look up startled to see Posy looking innocently at me as my everyone else stops in alarm. I look over at Prim and her eyes plead for me to calm down, but I know what this means. Gossip has already followed me to this new place before I even started. There is no escaping it. There will be no fresh start for me, I’m not that lucky.
“I’m… I’m going to explore a bit, “ I say pushing my chair back harshly, trying to restrain the anger at my situation.
“Katniss, please, stay inside. I’m sure it’s nothing,” my mother asks fruitlessly, but I just flip her off, not caring that the children are witnessing and I fly out the door.
I don’t know where I’m going, all I know is I walk and walk until I have no sense of where I am. Then I hear yells and crunches with cheers, whistles, and shouts intermingling in between. It’s the sound that is distinctly high school. I turn down the street where the noise is coming from, and soon enough I am coming on a big field surrounded by a chain linked fence. In front of me is a high school football team practicing in the rain. A Catholic high school I realize and I shudder.
Their coach is barking orders while parents are looking on from the sideline under umbrellas. I don’t know why I stay and watch, I don’t even like football, especially the high school kind. It represents everything I hate. These boys don’t have to use their brains to get the good stuff out of life, they just have to pummel each other. The girls they date don’t have to work hard to succeed, they just have to look pretty while shaking their pom poms. But here I am leaning against the fence as I watch them struggle in the thick mud, not complaining as they are ordered to do drill after drill.
I’m transfixed, I can’t stop staring especially at the quarterback. He has his helmet on so I can’t see what he looks like, but despite his short stature he has a commanding presence on the field, his tight muscles rippling, as he barks orders before tossing the ball. I can already tell this boy must be a clear leader in school if he is anything like he is on the field. Eventually a whistle indicates a break and all the players gather to the right of me at the benches. He pulls off his helmet and bright curls shake free, shining brightly despite the dampened grey skies. His smile is even brighter, and eyes crinkle with joy as he laughs at something one of the other boys joke about. There is something in that laugh that reaches deep down in me, and I instantly hate him. He sounds lighthearted, without a care in the world. He probably just smiles and gets everything he wants out of life. He is Mr. Perfect All American Boy and I want nothing to do with the likes of him.
It’s almost like he could read my thoughts because he whips his heads towards me suddenly, searching, and our eyes make contact before I can even react. Even from this distance I can see they are a blue more intense than my own sister’s eyes. The kind of color you only see in travel magazines in sparkling tropical oceans that you want to dive in. They squint, no they pierce through me, like he is surveying everything that I am inside and out. I don’t like it at all. But I am surprised to see a depth in those eyes that says “I am more than what you think I am.” I shake my head slightly, knowing I must be imagining things, and by that time I look up again he is back to talking to his friend. The whistle blows indicating that break is over. He runs past me, helmet in hand and just as I am about to turn away he looks over at me and gives me a small sly smile before winking. It’s so fast I want to say I was imagining it but I know I was not. Fuck him though and the games he is so obviously used to playing. I turn the way I had come and leave the sounds of high school football behind.
I find the house again easily and everyone is settled in the living room. Prim immediately comes and hugs me, but with a crease in her brow that says she is upset with me too. So I kiss her head and apologize to her softly. I ask Hazelle if it’s alright if I take a shower, and she leads me to a bathroom on the second floor and provides towels for me to use. I stand under the hot water a long time until my skin tingles in relief as it thaws. The shower is the one place where my brain stops working on overdrive, and I can just be for a moment. But tonight, there is one image that won’t stop invading my mind. That boy, that damn football player with his stupid smirk and wink replays over and over in my head. And I know that image will follow me to bed tonight.