Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Leo was floating, debris all around as his breath wheezed out from him. He could feel the softened material of the folded picture in his hand as he held it to his chest. In the chilled, dead air, he could barely feel his tears as they streamed down his face. Even his injuries seemed to fade to a numbness as he shut his eyes and curled into himself.

He’d saved them. They were safe now. He knew Raph would care for his family. He knew Donnie would help the city with rebuilding in the darkness of night. He knew Mikey would make some kind of mural of the four of them together, and that he’d lend his cooking skills to his family to keep them going. April would inform their other friends and acquaintances of what he’d done and how he’d died. Then, she would spend more time in the Lair with his dad and brothers. She was smart and she was strong; a true Hamato. She would be okay… she would help Splinter. His dad…

He felt a sob shake him, fingers curling even tighter around the photograph. His dad would have the hardest time recovering, in the long run. He hoped his family would knit tighter together to protect one another, to care for one another. He knew they’d have a hard time but they would be okay. They would continue to grow and be strong and protect the earth.

All while he faded to nothingness in this void.

He’d most likely be killed by that Kraang in its near-blind rage, or he’d die of starvation and dehydration. The darkness in his heart hoped for the former, if only so he wouldn’t have to be alone for so long.

He slowly opened his eyes, tucking the picture into his belt with shaking fingers. He couldn’t see the Kraang anywhere, but he could still feel its weight on his chest, its armored fists as they struck him over and over, and its furious voice as it told him to wipe the grin off his face.

Over, and over, and over, and over.

His breathing began to speed up. He was scared. Any sane person would be, he told himself. But it was still a shock how deep the fear cut into him. Even against the Shredder he hadn’t felt like this. Then again, he had believed he’d make it out alive that time. He knew they could do it and they did. This… this was totally different.

His body hurt. He was tired. The air rattled in his chest, pushing against every aching place, and he wanted to sleep. He wanted it to be over, so his broken body could rest.

If this was how he won, and if this was how he could protect what he loved, so be it. He’d gladly accept it. He just wished he could’ve hugged them all one last time…

A light shone behind him. He squinted, the light above his head growing and bathing him in a vibrant yellow and orange. It felt warm… like home. He reached out for it.

But something was wrong. A chill raced up his spine, and he looked down. Red light and two yellow eyes swarmed his vision. An armored, clawed hand grabbed his ankle, cutting into his skin and chilling his blood as it seeped from the gash. A scream lodged in his throat as a different, warmer hand wrapped around his outstretched arm, trying to bring him to safety.

For a moment, he hung between both, one trying to pull him home, the shouts of his brothers’ voices echoing in the dead space around them. But all he could focus on – all he could see – was the Kraang, his glowing eyes and hateful aura blinding him.

He was going to die. He was scared, scared, scared —

Its other clawed hand seemed to move in slow motion as it reached for his face, ready to drag him down to the darkness below forever. The scream finally tore from his throat.

“Leo, Leo, wake up!”

He woke with a violent start, one hand fisted in the blankets beneath him while the other swung wildly at whoever had their hands on his shoulder and arm. They dodged, their hands warm but firm as they gave him another shake. He kicked his leg, still feeling the cold metal as it cut him open, again and again.

“Leo, it’s okay, you’re home! You’re okay, breathe!”

That sounded like Raph.

Another voice joined. “Deep breaths, Nardo. Your heart rate is skyrocketing and your oxygen levels are too low.”

He tried to shake the shadows of the nightmare from his eyes and heart as his vision focused. His older brother stood over him, hands holding him in place and eyes wide with worry. Standing at the foot of the bed was Donnie, eyes flicking between his wrist’s touchpad and his brother’s face, his expression trying to remain neutral but edged with concern as well.

Leo’s breathing was ragged, his body and blankets soaked in sweat. He couldn’t tell if it was him or Raph shaking right now, but he felt the tremble working through his entire body. Donnie prompted him to take deep breaths again, and this time, Raph started to do it too so Leo could follow along. He listened and his heart began to slow as he focused on Raph’s breathing, mirroring the pace. A sound of relief left his brothers.

But when he finally looked back at Raph, to tell him he was okay, his eyes fell instinctively to the still partially bandaged cracks in his brother’s shell and plastron. He stared, silent, and Raph must have noticed because he casually took one of Leo’s nearby gym towels and tossed it over his shoulder to cover it.

“It was just a nightmare.” Raph said softly.

Leo gave him a small smile and sat up. He could tell now; it was definitely him shaking, not Raph… damn. “Sorry.” Leo mumbled, stretching out his fingers in his lap. They ached from how tight he’d clenched them and he did his best not to wince as he unfurled them. “Did I wake you guys?”

Raph hesitated, and that’s when Leo looked over and saw his youngest brother standing at the opening of his bedroom, eyes filled with worry. “Oh,” he forced out a chuckle. “My bad you guys. It’s nothing.”

Mikey took a step inside, looking a bit unsure. “It’s not nothing, or this wouldn’t keep happening. You… you still haven’t told us what happened to you up there.”

He felt a shell go up around his heart. He took all his memories and feelings of that day and shoved them deep down inside. Outwardly, he forced himself to brighten, putting on his best smug face. “Oh come on guys, I told you, nothing happened! Well, nothing other than what happened to you all. We defeated the Kraang with style. Besides, it’s not like I’m the only one who got banged up. I’m more worried about you three hovering over me like a bunch of mother hens instead of getting some rest.”

Raph sighed and Donnie crossed his arms, neither of them convinced. His veritable twin set a hand on Leo’s leg, grabbing his attention. He looked at Leo, then at his older brother, and without saying another word, he reached out and took the towel off Raph’s shoulder, exposing the still healing injury.

A sharp pang of guilt stabbed Leo’s heart. He knew Donnie saw it in his eyes because he frowned. Then he said, “I know you don’t want to talk about it. You were in really bad shape when we pulled you out of that portal Mikey opened. But we’re your brothers. If anyone would understand —”

“I said I’m fine.” Leo snapped, jaw clenching and fists tightening. He regretted it instantly as he watched Donnie’s expression harden. With a disappointed scoff, he tossed the towel onto Leo’s lap before walking back out of the room. Mikey looked between them before deciding to follow Donnie, leaving Raph and Leo alone.

“They’re just worried about you.” Raph said quietly, eyes never leaving his younger brother, no longer bothering to hide the hole in his shell.

Leo tried to pull up his usual confidence, tried to hide behind it. This wasn’t about him. “There’s nothing to worry about big bro. What matters is that we won, right?”

He crossed his arms, a movement that said Raph was getting serious. “I think we all know that’s a lie.”

“Raph, I said I’m fine! C’mon, you know I can handle anything.” He smiled, wiping the sweat from his head and face with the towel and grimacing. He tossed it to the side in a casual, aloof way. “It was just a bad dream! No biggie! You guys are overreacting.”

Raph sighed heavily. “I know you’re deflecting right now. Bad dreams are one thing… but recurring nightmares are another.”

“They aren’t reoccurring —”

“Leo, we aren’t stupid!” Raph shook his head, shifting his weight and taking a deep breath. “You’ve been having them from the moment we managed to rescue you and bring you home. You passed out on the way home! You had broken ribs and a cracked shell and your leg was all cut up. You were covered in bruises!” His voice cracked, and Leo wanted to tell him to stop, but he couldn’t get the words out. Raph continued. “I’ve heard you almost every night for the last month and a half. Usually, you manage to wake up before it gets this bad but… you’re getting worse. You need to tell us about what really happened. Maybe it’ll help —”

“Stop!” Leo launched to his feet. He was overwhelmed with the urge to run. But his knees nearly buckled beneath him, his body still shaking too badly. He had to grip the edge of the bed to keep fully upright. Raph lurched forward as if to help him, but Leo swatted his hand away. “Just… let it go.”

His brother's face softened. “I can’t do that. And you know our brothers won’t either. Especially Mikey.”

“Raph —”

“I’m serious. Donnie is right, for once; we’re your brothers. If anyone would get how you’re feeling, it would be us.” He put a hand over his heart, his way of showing heartfelt emotion. But all it did was bring Leo’s attention back to the broken shell and plastron. All it did was take Leo’s mind back to that day he messed up everything... and it had nearly cost him everything.

Leo felt his armor breaking. If his brother didn’t leave soon, Leo would have a meltdown, and this time it would be with an audience. He couldn’t let them see him that way. So he grit his teeth and practically snarled, “Go away, Raph.”

His brother fell silent, eyes filling with a pain he understood all too well. Leo almost never spoke to any of them that way, and it shocked him how sharp the words sounded. But, Raph just straightened his back and walked out of the room, hand reaching out to pat Leo’s shoulder as he passed. Raph’s steps slowed at the door of the subway car that was Leo’s room. “I know you’re strong and don’t like having to rely on others… but don’t confuse strength with stubbornness. That’s all.”

With that, Raph was gone, sliding the subway door behind him. Leo sank slowly to the floor, trying to choke back his tears as he buried his face in his hands.

Why does Raph have to sound so… mature? It isn’t fair… I’m supposed to have grown up by now. He shouldn’t have to take care of me so much anymore.

He didn’t know how much time passed. All Leo knew was that one moment it was dark and the next, a soft light filled his room as the train car’s door creaked open a few inches.

Leo sighed and uncovered his face. His body felt sore, and as he stood up, he felt several joints pop. The binding around the back of his shell pulled with the motion, making the small crack there ache. With a barely suppressed groan, he turned to see who had come to bother him but found only a tray sitting outside. Slowly, he bent down to pick it up, eyes scanning the platform outside to see if anyone would spring out at him. But, seeing no one, he lifted the tray, upon which was a teapot with steam coming from the spout, his favorite tea cup — ceramic white with blue seigaiha waves — and a plate of tea cakes with a fork tucked beside them.

He shut the door behind him with his foot and carried the tray to his bedside table. It was his dumping ground for random items like his phone, his Jupiter Jim comics, his belt, and so on. He nudged his phone onto his bed with one elbow and pushed everything else to the floor with his other. He set down the tray and sat on the edge of his bed.

It had to be his father that left it. Only he could make his favorite jasmine tea smell this good. The tea cakes had to be Mikey though. They were fluffy and spongy with a sprinkling of matcha powder across the top. Leo lifted the tea pot and poured some tea into the cup, which already smelled like it had been sweetened the way he preferred. Suddenly it all felt overwhelming; his dad must be worried about him, too.

“This isn’t very leaderly of me, huh?” He chuckled to himself, holding the warm mug closer to his chest and holding back tears. “Making everyone feel like this… not cool at all.”

He quietly drank his tea and picked at the cakes. It wasn’t until later, when the teapot was almost empty and his stomach almost full, that he started to feel calm; like his old self again.

I’ll have to talk about it eventually… I just… can’t right now.

“Thanks Dad… thanks Mikey.” He whispered, seeing the tray back in the hall. He’d come out of his room for dinner. For now, all he wanted was some space to himself.

Getting back to the Lair had been difficult.

Leo remembered lying on the ground, seeing his brother’s and their teary eyed faces as they leaned over him. He remembered them pulling him into a group hug, and he remembered smiling at the warmth of it. “It’s good to see you guys.” He mumbled around their tangled arms.

Then, after the relief of being back with his family had begun to wear off, Donnie had demanded everyone get off of Leo so they could scan his injuries. Mikey had quickly contacted April and their dad with his wrist com, and it had broken every single one of their hearts to hear the sound that left their father. It was pure, heartbroken and hopeful relief, the kind of crying and shouting that pierced through what little defenses Leo had left.

It was the kind of sound only a parent could make. Leo kinda wished he hadn’t heard it.

He remembered his hearing going static, a high-pitched ring filling his head. He remembered feeling his consciousness slipping away from him as Donnie’s tone turned serious and worried, his hands pressing over his arms, legs, and chest. Leo winced, and he could taste fresh blood in his mouth when he tried to move away from his brother’s prying hands, groaning and coughing. Donnie began speaking even faster, but Leo couldn’t understand what he was saying… all he could hear was his heartbeat and his breath as it rattled out of him. His vision was too blurry to see anything beyond colors and fuzzy shapes.

Why did they suddenly sound so far away? Was that Raph picking him up? Oh… no it had to be Raph and Donnie, by the feel of it. That definitely had to be Mikey holding his hand. His eyes were closed; when had that happened? He was so tired. He wanted to sleep…

He woke again to the feel of his father’s gentle hand brushing across his brow. It had been so long since he felt such a reassuring touch from his dad, but he’d know it anywhere.

He couldn’t feel his mask; they must’ve taken it off to check his face injuries. His chest hurt, and so did his back. And his legs. Actually, all of him hurt, if he was being honest. Another groan left him as the pain increased. He focused on trying not to panic; the pressure on his chest felt too familiar, too cold, too much like the Kraang. The hand along his brow stopped and he heard his dad as he alerted Donnie, April, and Casey. There was the steady rush of noise for a while, as well as a couple needle pokes and steady hands checking his vitals. Leo didn’t have it in him to open his eyes.

The next thing he heard was Donnie, heaving a sigh as he plopped into a seat near Leo’s head. Donnie was quiet for a long time, and Leo wanted to open his eyes. He just… couldn’t.

After a while, he felt his brother lean forward. Then, his hand rested against Leo’s shoulder, palm cool to the touch. He let his hand just rest there a while, until his fingers began to tremble. He could hear his twin’s voice as if it were coming through a long tunnel. “You big dumb idiot. What happened to you up there?”

When Leo next gained some consciousness, he managed to find the strength to open one eye just a little bit. He was in the med-bay, which was obvious from the sterile smell and soft beeps of the monitors off to his right. His eye slowly scanned the space and he saw Raph, curled into one of their giant bean bags that he’d squished into a corner by the door, asleep. Mikey was tucked into Raph’s side, but he wasn’t sleeping. He seemed to be drawing. His eyes were ringed with shadows and he looked sad and tired. Leo wanted to call out to them but he couldn’t get his mouth or his voice to work. Sleep took him back under again quickly.

Finally, he felt like he was able to surface again. He could smell his favorite soup and he slowly pried open his eyes. Even with the lights dimmed down, they almost felt too bright. Leo tried to lift his hand to block it and immediately felt sore. A hiss escaped him. “Oww.”

At the sound of his voice, a flurry of activity sprang up around him. Someone – it looked like Mikey – dropped the soup bowl. The monitors began to beep faster and suddenly Donnie was there beside him, leaning over him. His head blocked out the lights, thank heavens, but his mouth started going a mile a minute. Leo couldn’t keep up with any of it, and he could feel a slow sting beginning to work its way through his body.

Raph practically flew into the room next, their dad right behind him. Their oldest brother gripped the bars at the foot of the bed, and Leo noticed half his face was bandaged as well as his forearms, plastron, and shell. His one visible eye was wide and full of tears. “You’re awake! You’re finally awake!”

“Finally?” Leo rasped, throat dry and irritated. Mikey’s bandaged hand popped into view as he held out a glass of water, which Leo gratefully took.

“Yeah, finally!” His youngest brother was practically shouting. “You’ve been asleep for ages!”

“Not ages, Michael.” Donnie chided, his goggles already over his eyes as he did scans along Leo’s body. He added, in what almost seemed like an afterthought, “Though, it did feel like forever.”

Leo drank the water, instantly relieving his throat. Everyone’s eyes were on him as he drank, a wave of self-consciousness rising in him. He cleared his throat, and it was like everyone leaned in to hear what he had to say. Strange. Usually, if the attention was on him, it was for reprimand or laughs or fun. “Uhh, I’m fine. Or, at least, I think? How long… how long was I out?”

Another voice answered. “A week.”

All eyes now turned to Splinter, where he still stood by the med-bay door, feet seemingly frozen in place. His voice shook, his eyes swimming with tears as he looked at Leo. A somber air fell over the room, and Leo felt a sharp pang in his heart. “Dad…”

Splinter shook his head as the tears began to fall from his eyes and into his fur. No matter how much he wiped at them, it looked like they wouldn’t stop. Raph went to him first, kneeling down and setting a large hand on his back. Their dad’s shoulders shook as he looked back up at his second eldest, voice quivering. “You scared me, Leonardo. You scared all of us.”

Leo felt tears well in his own eyes, and he noticed that everyone else’s were too. “I’m sorry, dad.”

“Don’t you ever do that to me – to us – again.”

“I’m sorry.” Leo started to lean forward. “Dad I –”

A wave of pain crashed into him. He slumped back into the bed with a gasp, and everyone rushed closer to his side. The pain wouldn’t stop, and he felt his hands curling into fists in the blankets, his body trying to also curl into himself. His eyes squeezed shut as he tried to breathe through it. “It… hurts.”

“Where, Leo?” Donnie asked, hands now floating above Leo’s plastron.

“Everywhere.” He grit out.

“It feels like everywhere, but it isn’t. I need you to be specific.”

Raph cut in. “He just woke up Don, just give him some pain meds.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want to give him meds, Raph. I have to know where it hurts to make sure everything is set and healing properly.” Donnie sounded exasperated and tired. Leo could now see that Donnie’s under eye circles were the darkest out of all his brothers. He knew Donnie well enough to know he hardly slept when he worked on something he loved; for him to now be taking care of Leo must’ve made the “sleeping” aspect even harder. Especially since he wasn’t as well-versed in medical care as Leo and Splinter; he’d probably had to learn a lot of things on the fly.

Leo tried to steady himself. He knew what Donnie was asking of him; he just had to concentrate. He sucked air between his teeth and held it, doing a mental check on every part of his body. Where did it hurt the most? No… no, not his legs… not his arms… there, and there. “Chest. Lower back.”

“Okay, just hang in there for a moment.” Donnie’s shell activated, the metal arms reaching into cabinets and drawers for items. One of the battle shell’s metal arms began to arch over Leo with a roll of bandages, ready to drop into Donnie’s hands when needed. Suddenly, Leo wasn’t in his home; he was back on the Technodrome, the Kraang’s face leering down at him as he lifted his foot and brought it racing down into his chest. They wanted to kill him. He was going to die.

Leo flinched back hard, slamming his head into the bed as he tried to scramble away. A cry escaped him, and his heart kicked into overdrive. The sudden motion caused more pain, and he was now gasping around it, stuck somewhere in the past and the present.

(Full Comic Here)

Donnie stopped moving, looking from his brother to the metal arm. Slowly, he dropped the roll of bandages into his hand and put the arms away, keeping his hands visible the entire time. Donnie’s goggle-covered eyes never left Leo’s as he motioned for Raph to come by him, and he wordlessly tapped the latch of his shell. Raph unclasped it, setting the black and purple invention on the counter. Donnie kept his voice even and calm. “Nardo, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Raph and Mikey kept their hands in visible spots too, both looking like they wanted to reach out to him but unsure if he was okay with it. But it was Splinter jumping onto the foot of the bed that finally got Leo’s attention as he tried to steady himself.

“My son, we are here. You are not alone.”

Fresh tears welled in Leo’s eyes as his breathing slowed. God, his body freakin’ hurt. He looked over to his genius brother, who was now slowly trying to move his goggles off his face. “I-I’m sorry Don. I don’t… I thought I was…”

“I know.” His brother looked so defeated in that moment, goggles now snugly back on top of his head. A different kind of pang went through Leo at the sight of such an expression on Donnie’s face. “It’s alright. I’m going to check your injuries. Is that okay?”

Leo found his gaze going to their father. Splinter was looking at him with sadness, pain, and hope. His golden eyes were shining as he gave the blue turtle a nod. So, Leo looked back to his brothers and nodded, too.

Donnie got to work, making sure his movements were slow, gentle, and within view. Leo did his best not to wince, but he couldn’t help it. He was going to need to lie still for them, he knew that. Soon, fresh bandages were placed along his chest, and Donnie gently nudged Leo’s side. “I need you to turn over so I can check your back and shell.”

“My shell?” Leo rasped, gripping Raph’s hand as he turned slowly onto his side. He could feel Mikey set his hand on his leg, too, for moral support. It felt like it took forever just to do that small task. Sweat was starting to bead along his forehead and neck.

“Yeah… it’s a little cracked. But fear not dear brother, the damage is minimal. It’s mostly the bruising underneath you’re feeling right now. I’ll have to make you a couple patches to reinforce the crack, as well as two for Raph.” He paused before adding. “You guys are going to need quite a bit of time to heal up.”

He couldn’t even act surprised after all the hits he’d taken. And as much as a part of him wanted to say something about “cracking a joke at the wrong time”, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He wasn’t sure if they’d laugh; it wasn't the right timing. Besides, the mention of Raph’s broken shell made his heart and stomach twist, so he opted to say nothing.

Working on the crack wasn’t as bad as he’d feared it would be, but he’d be lying if he said it didn't hurt. Once Donnie deemed himself done, he gave Leo the option for pain meds. Leo took the offer up, the sore spots along his chest, back, legs, and head all becoming a steady pounding now.

Donnie told him he’d need another few days of bed rest before trying to move around, and even then it should be limited. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but seemed to think better of it and gave his brother’s arm a pat. “Push that green button if you need anything.”

“Whatever you say, Doctor DonTron.” Leo grinned, feeling more connected with himself now. More in the present, and no longer wondering if he was dreaming about being home. His injuries had, funnily enough, helped ground him to this moment.

Raph and Mikey had mopped up the spilled soup and, as Donnie was finishing up, Mikey had come back with a fresh bowl. “Dad said you need to eat. Sorry I dropped the other bowl.”

“That’s alright little brother.” Leo smiled. “I’m starving, so thank you.”

He had eaten soup, sipped on water, and fallen right back asleep. He had no idea then how hard true recovery was going to be. All he knew at that time was that he was home… he was home.

Sometime in the late afternoon, Leo finally felt like leaving his room. The Lair had been relatively quiet all day, so he wanted to see what everyone was up to.

When he opened his bedroom door, the tray was gone. He smiled and continued into the hall and up the stairs to the main living room and recreational area. Only his and Raph’s rooms were on the lower level, while Splinter’s and Mikey’s were branched off from the main room on the upper platform. Donnie got the entire basement area for his lab, the garage, and his room, which he loved because he had a ton of space for his experiments and to work on the Turtle Tank.

Leo peeked above the top stairs to see if anyone was in the living room, and he could see Splinter in his usual spot behind the projector, watching one of his Japanese game shows. Mikey was cooking something near the entrance just a few small steps up from the living room space. Smelled like… homemade pizza.

He fully entered the living room, his confidence beginning to waver in the quiet. But his father heard his steps and turned in his chair. “Blue! You’re just in time to eat dinner. Go see if Orange needs help.”

“Uhhh yeah, okay.” Leo laughed, swinging his steps toward the other small set of stairs. He couldn’t help but feel a bit awkward as he entered the space and all eyes turned to him. Raph and Donnie were skateboarding while Mikey cooked up a storm.

Just pour on your charm, big guy.

“What’s up my brothers, the favorite of the family is hungry!” He flashed his best suave smile, striding into the room. “When are we getting our grub, little bro?”

Mikey only hesitated for a second before his usual bright smile lit his face. “In just a minute Leon! Perfect timing.”

“Yeah, no kidding!” Raph piped up, popping his board up into his waiting hand. He was smiling, too. “Let’s grab plates, Donnie. Leo, you get the drinks.”

Donnie obeyed, setting his board in his usual spot on the rack. He didn’t smile, but he did groan about having to help get plates for everyone. It felt normal enough, but Leo knew better; his feelings were still hurt from Leo’s attitude this morning, even if he’d never admit it. Leo would make it up to him after dinner.

They called for Splinter, who came in to grab his plate and head back to his chair to watch one of his shows. Mikey had made some garlic bread rolls covered in butter to dip into some homemade marinara sauce too. It smelled fantastic, and Leo took a seat and began to eat with fervor. He didn’t realize how hungry he actually was until now. The others dug into their food too, Donnie’s tech putting on Raph’s wrestling show. They were reruns at the moment, but the boys didn’t care. Mikey and Raph excitedly talked about their favorite moments, and Leo cracked a few distinguished jokes, if he did say so himself.

Only Donnie seemed a bit removed. He was typing away at something on his armband, eyes slightly glazed over as he read… well, whatever it was he was looking at. Right when Leo was going to try and drag him into the conversation, he stood up and put his empty plate into the sink. “You guys enjoy the rest of the episode, I have something I gotta go work on real quick.”

Mikey nodded, eyes on the screen. “Okay, let us know if you need anything.”

Raph, however, turned to watch Donnie walk away, his eyes never leaving his wrist. He then looked at Leo, who was already standing up. “I know,” He said, also putting his empty bowl and plate in the sink. “I got it.”

Leo halted outside of Donnie’s lab, his feet coming to a stop on the bottom step. What could he say? What should he say? He knew if he came into this, puns-a-blazin’, it was highly possible Donnie wouldn’t be receptive to his apology. But, what if he didn’t want to see him at all?

He closed his eyes, trying to keep his sigh internal only. He could do this. He had to do this. He straightened his shoulders and walked in. Donnie was at one of his large screens, typing at this and that before watching some numbers run and some website pages pop up and down. Leo caught bits and pieces of the webpages and what he saw made him want to turn back around.

Leo cleared his throat and Donnie jumped a bit. Instantly, all the stuff on his screen disappeared and was replaced with a game that must’ve been idling on another tab. He spun around in his chair, eyes wide as Leo lifted a hand and smiled. “Hey Don, what’re you doing?”

“O-ooh, Nardo, it’s you.” He laughed, unconvincingly. “Just… playing a game, ya know? Enjoying some good ol’ brainless teenager activity.”

“Brainless teenager activity?” Leo grinned, crossing his arms and shifting his weight to his uninjured leg. “You’re a terrible liar Donnie. Brainless is not something you’re capable of doing.”

Don’s fake smile fell into something much more tired. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Silence fell between them for a moment before Leo cleared his throat again. “Listen… about this morning –”

“Naaaaah, uh, no, don’t worry about it.” His brother cut him off, waving a hand in the air between them. “You’re usually terrible at apologies. At least to us.”

Hearing those words, all Leo could see was Raph, controlled by the parasitic Kraang, one tentacle wrapped tightly around his throat. Leo was desperately trying to get through to him, and he’d ended up surrendering to the possibility that Raph could kill him. He’d apologized then, and it was probably one of the most sincere moments of his life.

He tried to shake the memory. This wasn’t about him, it was about his brother. “Well, I’m doing it anyway.”

“Noooo, no, you don’t have to –”

“Donald, let me be the first to formally apologize for being a jerk this morning.” Leo continued, ignoring his protests. He put on a smile that was only half-fake. “For I was not in my right headspace, therefore, I wasn’t being my perfect, handsome self. I was the jerkiest jerk, and I am sorry.”

Donnie merely frowned, but not unkindly. “See? Terrible at them.”

Leo grinned before letting his face fall to something more serious. “I saw what you were looking at.”

“Oh… oh that… don’t mind it.”

“No, I think…” Leo hesitated. He didn’t know why this was so hard. It wasn’t hard to tell his brothers anything. It had always been so easy to share when they were sad or angry or happy. But something about this last battle… it had done something to him inside. He hated it. But if he was going to be of any help, he’d have to at least try.

And who better to try with than his twin? Even when they weren’t getting along, Donnie always understood things about Leo that the others didn’t. He could do this.

“Donnie… this isn’t easy for me, but I also know it hasn’t been easy for you guys.” Leo rubbed a hand along one of his arms. His eyes drifted down to his feet, and his eyes caught on the brace and bandages he still had to wear around one of his knees. It was almost back to its full capability, but Splinter had insisted he wear it a bit longer to be safe. Leo steeled himself, and looked back up at his brother, who was surprisingly looking at him expectantly. “I keep dreaming about what happened… about what could’ve happened. In all forms, really.”

His brother turned thoughtful; curious. “What did happen? I mean… if you’re still not ready to talk… I mean, I saw your injuries. We all did. We can guess but… I think it’s deeper than you’re… look I –”

“It’s okay, bro.” Leo chuckled lightly, crossing the room and taking up a seat in one of the other rolling chairs by the monitor. “I don’t know… it felt like it lasted forever, even though it was only a few minutes. But… well, you saw how I came out of that portal. I’m sure your imaginations filled in the blanks pretty accurately. He was pissed and I was there, without weapons.” Leo’s stomach started to turn. He had to push through. “Again, not too hard to imagine.”

“But you… can’t you summon your katanas at any time? Or… you know, teleport to them?” Donnie asked, perplexed.

This is where things get hard. Leo swallowed. “Technically, yes.”

“So… why didn’t you?” His brother leaned forward, resting his arms along his legs. He wasn’t able to look at Leo anymore, eyes downcast to his hands. Leo could guess why; Don had probably already guessed the truth.

“I have to be in peak condition. I was already pretty drained by the time I lost my swords.” He dropped his head. “And… I… I didn’t…”

Donnie dropped his head into his hands, sucked in one deep breath, and then let it out slowly. “Leo… did you just… did you give up?”

Don’t answer. Leo’s mind was practically screaming at him to stop this conversation. He was trying to fight off the shaking in his chest before it worked its way through his entire body. His legs began to bounce. He wanted to run. They can’t know.

But his silence must’ve been answer enough because Donnie – Donnie of all turtles – stood up and crossed over to Leo before giving him a hard shove, the chair careening back and into a counter. Leo’s arms wheeled to keep from falling over or out of the chair, and he looked up in shock, a protest already leaving his mouth, when he saw his brother’s face. Those were tears in Donnie’s eyes, waiting to fall as he angrily frowned down at Leo.

“You gave up?!” He shouted.

“Don —”

“No, don’t try to get out of this, Leo! Did you give up and just… let them beat you?” His brother was shaking now, fists clenched at his sides. He looked like he wanted to pummel Leo, and Leo couldn’t blame him for it.

“It isn’t… that simple.” Leo’s voice cracked as he felt himself beginning to shrink inward. “It isn’t that simple to explain Donnie.”

Then, just as fast as it had appeared, all the anger flew out of his brother. He reached out, wrapped a hand around Leo’s wrist, and pulled him up to his feet. Then, in very un-Donnie-like behavior, he pulled Leo into a hug.

“You idiot.” Donnie grumbled, holding tight while still avoiding the healing cracks on his shell. “You big, dumb, blue, idiot.”

“Uhhh-huh… umm, okay?” Leo hesitantly wrapped his arms around his brother.

“We were going to get you back.” Don’s voice was quiet. “No matter what we were going to get you back. Mikey wouldn’t give up. I wouldn’t give up. Raph was trying to be strong for us, but I know he would be looking for ways too. Why would you do that?”

“I… there’s no easy answer to that.” Leo said, resting his chin on Donnie’s shoulder. “Nothing about that situation was easy.”

“Never again.” Donnie grumbled, lifting a hand to gently slap the back of his brother’s head. “Never ever again.”

Leo found himself smiling and leaning more of his weight into his brother. He felt just a little lighter. “Okay, Dee. Okay.”