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“So, is April gonna be there?” Finn asks, as soon as the Nav is headed down the street away from their house. “Because I could totally demonstrate throwing her in the air.”
“She usually is,” Puck says with a shrug. “If we hadn’t seen her other places, I’d start to think she lives there.”
“It’s true.” Kurt nods. “I think after she graduates next year, they should rename the kitchen after her.”
“The April Lesbian Memorial Kitchen,” Finn says. “Yeah, that sounds good. Is she really as bad at cooking as she says?”
“Let’s put it this way. She can make the smoke alarm go off quickly no matter what she’s cooking. Really quickly. So she’s either even worse than she says, or she’s actually really good.” Puck snorts. “I tend to think it’s the latter.”
“The April Abbott Kitchen. No memorial, she’s not dead,” Kurt says.
“Things can’t be memorials when somebody leaves?” Finn frowns. “Seems like maybe they could be memorial if they wanted to remember her, or whatever.”
“I believe it’s memorial if someone is dead, and honorary if they’re alive. So the April Abbott Honorary Kitchen, perhaps.”
“Her last name is Abbott? Huh. I had no idea,” Finn says, shrugging his shoulders a little. “I knew it wasn’t actually ‘Lesbian’ but a Memorial or Honorary-al or whatever. She was ‘April SuperLesbian’ on Facebook for a while, so that’s sort of what I think of.”
Puck laughs. “Yeah, back in the fall she was ‘April PhenomenalDyke’ for a month.”
“She’ll either bring no friends, or several,” Kurt says thoughtfully. “Bringing just ‘a’ friend wouldn’t suit her, I suspect.”
“I bet she’ll bring every friend she has and there won’t be room to sit!” Finn says. “April and her friends will be on all the chairs. I’ll have to sit on the ground.”
“At least we’ll have a place to sit then,” Kurt says with a smirk, turning just enough to catch Finn’s eye briefly. “Right?”
“I’m a big enough seat for two people,” Finn agrees. “And it’ll keep your pants from getting dusty. Or maybe they do a really good job of mopping there, I dunno.”
“I suppose that depends on which stereotype you go with,” Puck laughs. “Either really thorough or not at all.”
They talk back and forth for the rest of the drive, stopping halfway so Finn can get another coffee, and they end up at the center at around 10:30, give or take. It’s smaller than Finn had pictured, but most things are usually smaller than Finn imagines them, and probably Dayton doesn’t really have enough kids to need a building that’s that huge.
“Finn!” April exclaims soon after they walk in the door, and then she turns on her heel and starts shouting down the hall, “Libby! Sarah! Heather! Come meet Finn!”
“April!” Finn says, before all those girls April’s shouting for can show up. “I’m meeting people?”
“You’re practically famous.” April pauses. “Or maybe infamous! Everyone was impressed that I went to a prom with someone male, for starters.”
“We were impressive,” Finn says. “They oughta be impressed. Hey, can I throw you in the air a few times?”
April giggles. “Not here in the hallway, it’s so narrow.” She grabs Finn’s wrist and starts pulling him down the hall, then looks at Kurt and Puck. “I promise that I won’t let them hurt your brother.”
“We’ll come along anyway,” Kurt says.
“That’s probably wise,” April admits. When they enter a room, three or four girls come over immediately, two of them giggling. “See? This is Finn!” April says rather triumphantly.
“Hi, I’m Finn Hudson,” Finn says, holding out his hand, though he’s not sure exactly what direction he should hold it. He ends up just sort of extending his arm, and one of them shakes his hand before passing his arm down to the next one, down the line.
“Please don’t try to kidnap our Finn,” Kurt says from behind him when the last girl doesn’t immediately let go.
“Maybe you should have brought a different friend!” April says, smirking back at Kurt. “Why didn’t you bring me your friend Santana?”
“Still dating Brittany,” Puck answers.
“Alas.” April heaves a big sigh. “You’d help me, wouldn’t you, Finn?”
“I think I have the wrong parts for that, April. Sorry,” Finn says.
“Maybe I could hypnotize Santana into thinking I’m Brittany? I am blonde!”
“I think you just can’t comprehend there’s a lesbian you can’t have,” Puck says with a snort. “C’mon, girls, let the man sit down.”
“Sorry, ladies,” Finn says. “I have to go sit down now, but I’m gonna throw April in the air later, so if you want to watch that, you come find me later.”
There’s another round of giggles from the girls, but they walk out the door with a comment about barricading the kitchen from April, and April resumes tugging on Finn’s wrist, this time in the direction of some couches. “Yes, they’re very attractive flea market couches,” April says. “And those three over there are the volunteer facilitators.”
“What’s that dude’s deal?” Finn whispers, making what he hopes is a not–really–noticeable motion in the direction of a slightly–older guy, maybe college age, with glasses who keeps giving him a weird look.
Kurt and Puck both glance in his direction, and Puck rolls his eyes. “Lionel,” he says darkly.
“Ignore him,” Kurt says with a sniff, sitting down on the nearest couch and then glaring a little in the guy’s direction.
“Have you guys had a run-in with him, too?” April asks. “I swear, he said the most awful things to Heather a few weeks ago.”
“What’d he say?” Finn asks, trying to look at the guy without actually looking at him directly. The dude keeps side-eyeing Kurt and Puck, too, and Finn has to make the conscious decision to not go over there and have some words with him about staring or whatever.
“Oh, that she was taking a guy to prom because she wasn’t ‘brave’ enough to take a girl.” April rolls her eyes. “Heather’s bi, she’s allowed to date whoever she wants regardless of what he says anyway.”
“Well, that’s douchey,” Finn grumbles. “I took a lesbian to prom. What’s that make me, other than awesome?”
“A colluder,” April says, wiggling her eyebrows. “You were trying to oppress yourself. Or me. I’m not sure.” She laughs. “But yeah, Lionel’s definitely got opinions.”
“Oh, he definitely has opinions,” Puck mutters. “Eager to share them, too.”
“Hey, did you know they have food here?” Finn says, as he notices the snack table. “Let’s, uh, go to there.”
“There’s a lunch in an hour or so,” April informs him. “But sure, have snacks!”
“The peanut butter cookies are good, if they have any this week,” Kurt says. “Or is it a nut-free week?” He grins. “Of course, they could just call it ladies’ week.”
“So sexist,” Finn mutters, shaking his head. “Shame on you people. I’m blaming you, April.”
“Blame Claudia.” April shakes her head. “She’s almost scary.”
Finn walks over to the table and piles a variety of cookies onto a plate. There’s a cooler stuck under the table, and Finn opens it and fishes out three pops and some bottles of water. He manages to arrange all the drinks so they’re balanced across one arm, then picks up the plate of cookies, walking back to Kurt and Puck. “Here,” he says, turning to they can retrieve the drinks from his arm.
“Thank you, darling,” Kurt says, grabbing the drinks and passing them to Puck, who sets them on a nearby coffee table thing. “Did they have peanut butter?”
“On the bottom,” Finn says, offering the plate. “Under the chocolate thingies.”
Puck scoops those up and then hands the peanut butter cookies to Kurt, grinning at Finn. “What’d you get for yourself?”
“Plain old chocolate chip underneath the peanut butter ones. Well, sticking out the side of them, really. See?” Finn turns the plate to show off the remaining cookies.
“What, is he your butler or something?” April asks.
“I’m Alfred,” Finn says. “He’s all that’s left, anyway, unless I want to be one of the bad guys.”
“You three are sort of strange. Don’t get me wrong, I like you fine, but you’re strange. You realize that, right?”
“Mmmhmm.” Kurt smiles sweetly at April. “We do in fact realize that.”
“Since we do have so many allies here today,” the facilitator who isn’t Lionel says, “we thought it was a great chance to talk about stereotypes again. I certainly hope that visiting here has helped some of you see the wide variety within our community.”
Kurt tunes out a little as he continues talking, wondering absently where the third one went. She usually does the best leading the meetings, but she’s not even in the room at the moment. He moves his fingers against Puck’s forearm lazily, their arms both draped behind Finn’s shoulders, and runs his thumb along the back of Finn’s neck almost without thinking about it.
There’s a short discussion about the attitude that gay men care about fashion and that lesbians wear plaid flannel, which involves April pointing at him and Puck but also at herself, and Kurt’s not really sure what April’s point was, unless it was that neither of the three of them should wear plaid flannel, in which case, he’s completely on board with that plan.
Finn seems perfectly relaxed, which Kurt had somewhat assumed would be the case, and when the discussion turns to trans stereotypes, Kurt rests his head on Finn’s shoulder, and Finn tilts his head to lean it against Kurt’s. If Kurt’s honest, he’s not sure if his reaction, for lack of a better term, to Taylor is ‘correct’. Most of the time he doesn’t think about Taylor as being trans. He’s just a guy, a freshman—well, sophomore, now. Some of the discussion seems to suggest he should be more conscious of Taylor being trans.
Kurt forces himself to pay more attention when Lionel starts talking about ‘stereotypes of gay sexual expression’, because that seems to be where Lionel has definite opinions. Just what he wanted to hear.
Lionel talks about some other stuff for a few minutes and then he starts in on how they are apparently still combating ‘negative stereotypes about promiscuity’ that are left from the 1970s, and how the message needs to still be heard by LGBT youth that there’s no set way that gays are supposed to love, and that they are just as committed to monogamy as heterosexual couples.
It’s hardly surprising, and Lionel even makes sure to look at the three of them on the couch pointedly, more than once. At one point, Finn even leans over and whispers, “Dude, what’s that guy’s problem?”
Kurt sighs. “Puck and I miscalculated last month. Now he’s apparently decided to help us realize the error of our ways.”
“Oh. It’s a… math thing?” Finn sounds confused, but he doesn’t say anything else.
“Math… oh, no.” Kurt smiles slightly and shakes his head. “Lionel feels that there’s only one correct way to be gay, though, as far as I can tell.”
“And we’re not doing it that way,” Puck snorts from Finn’s other side.
Finn makes a quiet, incredulous sound. “You two are awesome at being gay. He’s a jackass.”
“Oh, that he definitely is,” Puck agrees.
Kurt smirks. “We could show him just how much we’re doing it wrong.”
“Are we going to get thrown out of this joint?” Finn asks. “’Cause, like, I don’t mind or anything, just, I know you guys like to come here.”
“I don’t think they would throw us out,” Kurt answers. “Actually, it’s sort of strange that we’re the ones doing it incorrectly, all things considered, but.” He shrugs and looks up. “Oh, look, the formal part seems to be over.”
Puck snickers a little. “Are you thinking what I think you are, blue eyes?”
“If you think that I’m suggesting we show Lionel just what we think of his opinions, then yes.” Kurt smirks again. “What do you say, darling?”
“I say, uh. I’m still not really sure what he was talking about, exactly, but I probably like whatever you’re thinking?” Finn grins at Kurt.
Kurt lowers his voice, shifting so he’s almost turned sideways. “Kisses?”
Finn’s grin widens. “Always.”
“Oh, good.” Kurt leans forward, sliding his hand along Finn’s stomach and grabbing Puck’s hand, closing the distance between Finn’s lips and his own. He moves his other hand into Finn’s hair, holding Finn still and deepening the kiss slowly. Finn opens his mouth under Kurt’s and Kurt waits to slowly pull away until Puck squeezes his hand. Kurt gently nudges Finn’s head in Puck’s direction, and then Kurt watches the two of them kiss. He knows he looks a little smug, and he can’t resist finding Lionel across the room and smirking in his direction.
Lionel is blinking rather rapidly, but he manages to look appalled and indignant, his lips pursed like he’s just smelled something decomposing. Kurt raises an eyebrow, because if Lionel wants to walk over and say something, then Kurt’ll do his best to counteract his arguments, even though he really doesn’t know quite how to do so, since he doesn’t understand Lionel’s arguments.
He doesn’t bite, though, just walks out of the room and grabs someone else to talk to, and Kurt leans against the back of the sofa with a satisfied smirk. “Darling,” he says, looking over at Finn and Puck. “You can’t always have Puck in your lap, you know.”
“I don’t always,” Finn protests, although Puck is already halfway into his lap. “Pretty much never at home or school or even restaurants or whatever.”
“Yes, you have exceptional discretion,” Kurt giggles, leaning over and kissing Finn’s neck. “I just thought you might be interested in more food. Or possibly leaving here.”
“Leaving here for our ‘alibi’,” Puck asks, “or leaving here for our ‘alibi’ and other things?”
“Are ‘other things’ the clothes on or clothes off kind of things?” Finn asks. “And what’s our alibi?”
“Our alibi is that we had a sudden need to go shopping for you,” Kurt explains. “I started talking about sale prices and Dad tuned me out. So the alibi is clothes on. The other things are possibly clothes off.”
“Clothes shopping can be a clothes off kind of thing, too,” Finn suggests. “That would make it way more awesome.”
“We could be your personal shoppers,” Kurt says thoughtfully. “Accompany you into the dressing rooms.”
“If someone asks why you have two of us, we’ll tell them it’s because you’re tall,” Puck offers. “They might believe it.”
“I need one for the top half and one for the bottom half,” Finn says, voice far too innocent.
“We were thinking more like right hand side and left hand side,” Puck says, and Kurt nods his agreement.
“Just like when you needed help with your roller skates.”
“I do need a lot of help,” Finn sighs. “There’s just a lot of me to dress.”
“That is new,” April’s voice breaks in. “Isn’t it?”
“Nah, I’ve always been tall,” Finn responds.
April laughs. “The three of you, I meant. I can’t say I’m particularly surprised.”
“Oh?” Puck says, raising his eyebrows and snorting.
“Please, the three of you spent after–prom together,” April states, like that’s sufficient evidence.
“It’s true,” Finn says, nodding. “We drank beer and I slept in my tuxedo. Accidentally, though. Not on purpose.”
“That’s also true,” Kurt allows. “Though.” He grins a little and nudges Finn’s side, catching Puck’s eye. Finn blushes slightly and ducks his head, and Puck runs his fingers through Finn’s hair.
“If you were trying to get at Lionel, though, it totally worked!” April says cheerfully. “Are you sticking around or heading out?”
“We’re going to leave momentarily,” Kurt tells her. “Before you set off any fire alarms.”
April makes a face, sticking her tongue out at Kurt, then looks serious for a moment. “You’ll be back before you leave, right?”
“We will,” Puck answers. “Finn probably won’t, though; usually he works on Saturdays.”
“I’m shopping today,” Finn explains. “Actually, I’m shopping right now. Well, Kurt’s shopping for me and I’m trying stuff on and not complaining.”
“Of course you’re not complaining,” Kurt says, wrinkling his nose. “You didn’t complain when we found your suit.”
“It’s a great suit,” Finn agrees, with a shrug. “And I like the pocket thingies.”
“In that case, have fun in the frozen northlands,” April says to Finn. “I hope you find another nice lesbian to toss in the air.”
“Oh, shit! That’s right!” Finn says, and Puck slides over onto Kurt’s lap as Finn scrambles to his feet. “One more toss before I go?”
April grins. “Yes! Girls, come watch me get tossed into the air!” Some of the other girls—and some of the boys, too—come over at that, and Kurt has a bizarre flash of the end of Dirty Dancing.
Finn starts by twirling April out and back in, then takes her by both hands and swings her under his legs once, before bringing her back up and flinging her into the air. He catches her just before it looks like she might hit the ground, and then sets her down carefully. “And that’s my lesbian–tossing for the afternoon,” Finn says, grinning and taking a dramatic bow to the applause of April’s friends.
April claps and grins, then gives Finn a brief hug. “Okay, now you can leave!”
“I’ll keep my eye out for a nice lesbian to toss, just like you said,” Finn promises.
Kurt really did tell Burt that they were going shopping, so after they leave the center, they do have to go to the mall, because there’s no way Burt’s going to think Kurt went to a mall or did any shopping and didn’t bring anything back. Puck almost laughs out loud at the mental image of Burt that he conjures up.
“So are we going for maximum alibi or just plausible deniability?” Puck asks as Kurt parks the Nav.
“Plausible means I’ll have to whine a bit about the various sizes that weren’t in stock, but I think I can manage,” Kurt says wryly.
“Can I whine about having to try on lots of stuff and how it was all too short in the sleeves?” Finn asks. “I’m good at that and it’s almost always true, anyway.”
Puck snorts. “Sure. And then Kurt can talk about something that would have been perfect on you, but you refused to even try it on.”
“It’s like we don’t even have to go inside.” Kurt laughs. “Except for the actually having a bag or two problem.”
“We could just run in and buy some socks!” Finn suggests.
Puck tries to imagine the look on Burt’s face if they came back with only one bag, and it had athletic socks in it, and it’s actually even funnier than the face before. He laughs, “I don’t think we could pull that one off.”
“Besides, darling, I thought you needed your personal shoppers?”
“Yeah, to tell me what to buy, other than socks, I guess,” Finn agrees.
“Long-sleeved shirts?” Puck guesses. “I’m thinking the demand for sleeveless shirts is a little low in – how did April put it? The Frozen Northland. Eskimo Finn.”
“They didn’t tell me that I needed to bring my own sled dogs. Do you think they’ll provide those, too?” Finn asks. “’Cause, dude. I heard those things shed a lot.”
“You’ll look impressive on the back of a sled, I’m sure,” Kurt giggles, climbing out of the Nav and waiting until the doors are shut to lock it. “Do you get a fur parka, too?”
“Fur-lined pants,” Puck suggests, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.
“I’ll fur-line your pants, asshole.” Finn makes a face like the conversation has taken such a huge turn for the ridiculous, he’s not sure how he even got involved in it to begin with.
Puck holds up a finger as Kurt leads them towards a store. “There’s a very dirty joke in there, just waiting. I’ll figure it out momentarily.” He pauses. “Asshole.”
“Whatever. You love it,” Finn says, grabbing Puck by the front of his shirt and pulling him closer. “Asshole,” he adds, and then he presses his lips hard against Puck’s, Finn’s tongue forcing Puck’s mouth open. Puck lets his mouth fall open and holds on to Finn’s shoulders, returning the kiss with equal ferocity, until there’s a tap on his shoulder and Kurt clears his throat.
“Boys.” Puck looks to the side, where Kurt’s shaking his head but also trying not to smile. “We’re in the middle of the—”
Puck puts his mouth over Kurt’s before Kurt can finish the sentence, and Finn pipes up with, “Mall?”
Kurt starts to giggle while Puck’s still kissing him, and Puck pulls back to laugh, too.
“Yes, darling, the mall. Where we’re finding you clothes,” Kurt says, taking Finn’s hand in his left and Puck’s in his right. “And now we’re either going to be good, or we’re going to get arrested for public indecency. I’m not sure which, yet.”
“Is it public if it’s in a dressing room? It’s not like other people could see,” Puck points out.
“I could be really good until we got to the dressing room!” Finn says.
“Then I suppose I need to find things for you to try on.” Kurt leads them into a nearby store and straight to a clearance rack, where he starts flipping through, periodically pulling out a hanger and handing it to Finn. After five or six, Kurt stops and smiles brightly. “Now a changing room.”
“We’d hate to let Finn purchase something without approval,” Puck agrees. “You need time to work on those color-coded Manimals labels, anyway.”
“I just can’t ever remember what colors are ok to wear with what, alright?” Finn says. “It’s confusing. Kurt wears all kinds of colors together.”
“I have the Manimals in my head.”
They take the largest dressing room, and Puck hopes no one who actually needs the bigger one comes along, but they’re three teenage boys. They weren’t going to fit in the regular one.
“You do have to actually try them on quickly,” Kurt whispers once the door is locked behind them.
“Why?” Finn asks, his voice slightly whiny. “You can tell if it fits me or not.”
“By looking at it on you. Think of it this way. You’ll have a head start when you finish with the last one.”
“It’s true,” Puck agrees. “You’ll already be halfway to naked.”
“I’m very much like the halfway to naked part,” Finn says. “Not so much the trying shit on part.”
“It’s your alibi, Finn,” Kurt says. “Besides, this way we can compliment you, darling.”
Finn grumbles, but accepts the shirt Kurt hands him and pulls it on. “I think it’s too tight.”
“Oh, I think it looks just right,” Puck laughs. “Don’t you, K?”
“I was planning on taking it in a little for him, actually,” Kurt muses. “Though, I suppose he could need the growing room.”
“Hey! Are you saying I’m getting fat?” Finn frowns and pokes at his stomach.
“No,” Puck says. “He’s saying you’re going to be working out even more.” Kurt nods and squeezes Finn’s shoulder. “So you might bust a seam or whatever.”
“Like the Hulk,” Finn agrees, looking pleased.
“Exactly like the Hulk.” Kurt grins. “And that’s the same size as two others, so you only have to try on two more.”
Finn looks crestfallen. “Oh. Damn. I can’t just get all the Hulk shirts and we’ll call it square?”
“Nope,” Puck says cheerfully. “Kurt knows what you need.”
“Well, ok then. Next?”