Work Text:
I heard that you're settled down,
that you found a girl and you're married now.
Detective Kate Beckett picked up the day’s paper and read the Page Six article and felt her heart give that familiar ache. The headline for the article read: Third Time’s A Charm for Castle, the reporter went on to announce wedded bliss for bestselling author Richard Castle and his new wife. The bride wore Vera Wang and was completely stunning in the photograph. Castle looked as handsome as ever dressed to the nines and smiling happily as he gazed at his new bride, the corners of his eyes crinkling the way they did when the smile reached them. The article went on but Kate’s focus on the words seemed to blur.
I heard that your dreams came true,
guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
It took Kate a few moments to regain focus on the words on the paper and to take in what they all meant. The reporter managed to get a brief interview, the kind that meant they shouted out questions and he answered on-the-fly. Castle was quoted as saying “I’m happier than I have felt in a long time. I’m enjoying my new marriage and I’m loving the day-to-day life with my new wife.” What he said cut through to her heart like a knife. Hadn’t she imagined at one time or another in her secret heart that one day she would be the woman who got to enjoy the day-to-day joys with him? Not just work but the little things, waking up together, eating meals over the same table that weren’t always take-out, falling asleep in each other’s arms, the other things that couples do. Things they never did, things they could have done. It would have been so easy if she had only given in to her inner passions instead of holding back. What would it have taken to show him how she really felt? A kiss filled with the heat, ardour, tenderness she had for him, the feelings better to be shown than to try to find inadequate words for. The touches of a lover as well as a friend. All the things his new wife must have done, all the things his new wife gets to do.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
Beckett gave herself a mental shake and read on. Castle only gave a brief statement in the article, he wasn’t the boastful way he used to be. So much so that the reporter made note of the way Castle lives his life currently in comparison to the way he used to be. They wrote, “Best selling author Richard Castle will be making a book signing stop for the release of his most recent and last Nikki Heat novel. A rare chance to meet him in a public function as he is now more reclusive and private than he once was.”
A fuzzy image appeared in Kate’s mind of Madison telling her of the way Castle was at an obligatory social event, “he hid in a dark corner just adding to his macabre demeanour. No one dared to bother him and he didn’t do rounds like everyone else. He wore his sunglasses inside and tried to hide from the press. He didn’t look happy there Becks.” So which one is he? she wondered. Is Castle happy or is he not? Which one did she want it to be?
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face,
and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over.
Kate Beckett found herself standing with her own book in hand waiting in line amongst the castle fans. She kept thinking it was a crazy idea but her feet remained firmly rooted to the threadbare carpet. She just wanted to see him again, to see for herself how he is. It seems so surreal to be waiting in line the way a stranger would in order to see him. Why weren’t the circumstances different where she could just call? How did it come to this? Her heart fluttered as the line started to move forward. When they saw each other would that bond between them still be there?
When she got up to the table he finally saw her. He smiled that old smile, the one that made her stomach do flip-flops. He stood up and for a moment she thought he would hug her, she hoped he would, but he didn’t. He shook her hand very business-like, his new wife at his side watching the exchange. Kate was sure he was saying something but she didn’t hear the words over the rushing of blood in her ears.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg.
I remember you said, "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
Kate nodded and smiled and feigned happiness and tried not to cry. She just wanted out of there as fast as she could. What the hell had she been thinking to even come? He really was happy with his new wife, she could see that now. Where did that leave Kate? Castle was signing her book and his wife was saying something to her. She tried concentrating so she could make out what the woman was saying. She was asking her a question, what did she think of the last of the Nikki Heat novels? Someone in the crowd of fans asked Castle if this really was the last Nikki Heat novel. Without pause he answers them, “Yes, it really is. It’s time I moved on from her.” He says it as he hands Kate her book back. Their hands touch as he does but it doesn’t feel the same, the electricity she used to feel is gone.
You know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
bound by the surprise of our glory days.
Back at the precinct Beckett sits at her desk thinking of when things were better, when Castle was still working with her and they were all a team. Ryan is married to Jenny now. Lanie and Esposito are still going strong, still content to just be together but Kate knows that soon there may be a ring involved. Kate is alone. Not just romantically, no, completely. Castle was the only one who ever really got her, understood the way she thought, didn’t judge her for the macabre way of life and thinking because he got it too. Together they’d solve case after case with their team. They’d be the most successful team at crime solving that their precinct, and perhaps the city, had.
How had two people from separate worlds come together in that? They both had good childhoods for the most part but somehow they wound up understanding death too well. Kate because of her mom and Castle…well, Kate still wasn’t sure because the story always changed every time someone asked it. When they did come together, started working together it was magic. Not just the case solving but their chemistry with each other. They could be like a tempest one minute and a calming salve for each other the next. Their ability to work so well together taking each other and everyone else by surprise but it worked and they went with it. Enjoyed it even. How had it slipped away?
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face,
and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over.
Her feet must have carried her over to his place, she mused as she looked up to see his building in front of her. Why she was there she didn’t know. Masochism? No, she didn’t enjoy the pain she was definitely feeling now as she watched Castle and his wife get out of their car. Probably home from a romantic dinner together. They are both so happy, it is very clear in the way they kiss and laugh and smile at each other before they head inside. The way his hand protects and caresses her back as they walk side by side. The way she smiles up at him. Each public display of affection is like a bullet in Kate Beckett’s chest. So why is she still watching?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg.
I remember you said, "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead."
Why indeed? She wonders as she still continues to watch them as they go inside his building, their building. She stays there, standing in the shadows, watching the building long after they had gone inside. She watched as the lights in his windows came on. She stayed until she could take it no longer and she forced her leaden feet to carry her anywhere but there. Kate walked away into the darkness alone as her tears start to fall in silence.
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
It’s her fault, Kate realizes. She let her own fears stop her from finding happiness with him and, just like before, he’s moved on. This time, she knows, he is not coming back. Too late for her now. Even still, she wouldn’t trade the time they had together for the world. That’s time and memories no one can take away from her. It just didn’t work out the way she had wanted or expected it to between them. He’s happy and she’s glad for him for that, still, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
Finally at her home she gives in to her grief and pain and collapses into her sobs and tears. She slid down to her knees and then onto her back and felt the cool hardwood floor against her cheek as her tears ran hot down her face. She wrapped her arms around her chest to try in vain to stop the ache and the hollowness she felt. She felt her own breath hitch, she heard her own sobs, her own eyes saw only through a watery haze. She cried out the pain in her broken heart, she cried out his name in a voice she almost didn’t recognize as her own.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg.
I remember you said, "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead."
Her own voice crying out his name woke her up. In a daze Kate Beckett realizes she is in her own apartment, in her bed and she can hear her computer playing music softly, the same music that had been playing hauntingly in the background of her dream. She rubs the tears off of her cheek with her hand and takes a few shaky breathes. The pain of the dream she had still fresh and real for a few minutes longer. She let the music play on as she walked to her front door to get the paper. She tried laughing at herself for checking the Page Six story first and being relieved to see it had nothing to do with Castle. As she got ready for work she made a mental note that she definitely needed to remember to turn off her itunes before falling asleep.
At the precinct Beckett logged on to her computer and got settled at her desk before hitting the timeline board. Working the murder case helped bring her mind back into focus as did Ryan and Esposito who had new information for her to digest and add to the slow growing list of evidence. She thought she had shaken the dream completely but the way her breath hitched when Castle walked in, two cups of coffee in hand, told her she wasn’t over it completely. She mumbled a thank you to Castle for the coffee. Maybe some caffeine would help clear the fog. They had a lot of phone records to go through and a lot of calls of their own to make in the sake of trying to find a solid lead for the murder of their victim. The initial canvassing didn’t turn up too much but Beckett was hoping they would get more from co-workers of the victim, she‘d take Castle there later when there would be more people to actually interview as it was a restaurant. Ryan and Esposito were going to interview the family, a sister and brother-in-law of the man killed.
Kate tried to keep her brain focused on the numbers on the page but she kept looking at Castle and remembering moments from the dream, the way he looked at his wife, the way he pulled away from her, the way he seemed almost a stranger.
“What?” Castle asked her, catching her in one such moment.
“Sorry,” she said shaking her head and bringing her focus back to her list of outgoing phone calls from the vic’s cell phone.
“You okay today? You seem, I don’t know…out of sorts.”
“Yeah, fine,” she lied. She glanced up to see he was still watching her, concern evident in his eyes. “What?”
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, Castle, I’m fine.”
“Okay,” he said and went back to his own phone record. The only sound for a while was the squeak of highlighters on paper as the two picked out phone numbers of interest. After what seemed like hours Beckett started running down the phone numbers they had so far as Castle continued his highlighting. Some of the calls were harmless, only a select few raised a couple of alarms of interest.
“So, are you going to tell me what it is?” Castle asked capping his highlighter.
“Tell you what ‘what’ is?”
“Whatever it is that’s got you so rattled.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Right,” he said clearly not believing her.
“We’ve been at these phone logs for a few hours now,” she stretched cat-like in her chair, “we should give our eyes a break, head over to the vic’s workplace and ask around. You done with those?” Beckett asked him pointing at his stack of phone records.
“Yeah,” he said handing them back to her. As he did so their hands touched briefly and Beckett felt that zing run up her arm from the point of contact. She looked up at him and he gazed right back, that sparkle in his eye directed at her.
“Y’know, I was thinking maybe we could get a bite to eat before the workplace canvass,” Beckett suggested.
“Yeah, probably a good plan, that way our stomachs don’t rule our investigation,” Castle said thinking only of business. The way she should be thinking, Beckett chided herself.
At the café she chose for them to eat at they ordered coffee and perused the menus. An old radio on a back counter played that song and it mocked her, making her remember the dream anew. What was it that Castle had said once about signs? That they were from the universe and that he respected the universe. Maybe she should give the ’verse some respect too and listen to those signs. She sighed audibly.
“What, nothing look good?” Castle misread the sigh.
“No, it’s this song.”
“I thought you loved Adele?”
“I do, but it’s like this song is haunting me. It even made it’s way into my dream last night because I left my player on all night.”
“Is that why you’re so on edge today? Because of a dream?”
“Yeah, sort of, yeah. It just, it made me see things I didn’t want to, a reality I could have been better off not seeing. Now I can’t un-see it, I can’t shake the dream and how it made me feel.”
“So make sure the dream, which sounds more like it was a nightmare, doesn’t become a reality. I mean, you can change what you saw, right?”
“Um, yeah,” she looked down at the table then back at him.
“So the song isn’t really haunting you, it’s more like reaffirming the nightmare in your mind to make sure you learned from it, right?”
“You’re putting way too much thought into it. It was just a dream, okay?”
“Not if it has you so shaken and not if the universe is trying to send you a message. Respect the universe.”
“Right,” she said then sipped her coffee. They ordered food and started to eat.
“So…what’s your plan?”
“We go to the restaurant and interview co-workers,” Beckett said, her mind back on work.
“No, about the dream?”
“Oh, I, uh, I don’t know.”
“Care to share what it was about?”
“Not really,” she told him then bit into a fried potato. They chatted about the case and what kind of questions they thought might be useful. They paid for their lunch and made their way to the restaurant where the victim worked. Outside the place a car stuck in traffic had their radio on pretty loud, it was that song again.
“Point taken,” Beckett said to the universe and to herself. Louder she said to Castle before he opened the door, “so any plans for after work tonight?”
“No, not really. Why?”
“Thought maybe you’d like to have dinner or catch a movie or something?”
“Uh, yeah, that’s sounds great,” Castle said confused at the sudden idea of Beckett’s. His look of confusion was replaced with a smile that she returned back to him. When she smiled back at him his smile reached his eyes making the corners crinkle and his blue eyes sparkle. He opened the door and let her enter first, his other hand at her back protectively. The car playing the music rolled up the street as they walked into the restaurant.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg.
I remember you said, "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead.