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The first thing I noticed was that I was warm. Warmer than I could ever remember. Not uncomfortable, not hot, warm. I wasn’t sure why I was warm, but I knew I liked it.
Next, I felt. Skin, soft, smooth, under my fingertips. Not my skin.
Hair, silky, light, tickling my cheek. Not my hair.
A body, firm, warm, pressed against my side. Eijun.
The name echoed in my mind...Eijun.
The source of all my warmth.
Eijun.
For so long, my friend. My best friend. My one and only real friend.
Now, my love. Maybe always my love. Maybe forever loved.
Last night. Talking. Kissing. Holding. Crying. Together.
Memories too precious to lose, too important to forget.
Warmth.
Home.
Love.
Ei.
My mind is foggy with sleep, abstractions and emotions replacing logical thought.
Always.
Forever.
I’m sure that I won’t disagree with any of this once I’m truly awake, but I doubt I’ll be willing to be this vulnerable.
Eijun is warmth. Eijun is home.
I don’t want to be cold again.
I don’t want to leave home.
I don’t want to lose Eijun.
I don’t.
Scattered thoughts are coalescing, my brain is beginning to function, logical thought replacing abstractions. Emotions remain.
That went better than I’d dared to hope. (Eijun…)
I wonder what time it is. (I don’t want to get up)
How long can we lie here? (Warm, warm, warm)
Where do we go from here? (Everywhere)
I open my eyes, noting the faint light coming in through the crack in the curtains. Early yet.
Looking down, I see Eijun. Brilliant light hidden, fires banked behind eyelids and dreams. Warm.
Asleep, he looks calm, peaceful. Lovely. Eijun.
Eyes slide closed, arms tightening to hold him more closely.
Eijun.
His name in my mind is both a prayer and a paean, hope and thanks. Eijun.
Even when we were apart, he was still there.
He is why I kept playing, he is why I never succumbed to the demons that tempted me with forgetfulness, tempted me with numbness.
My city on a hill.
My inspiration.
My goal.
Eijun.
Once we emerge from this room and rejoin the world, I may hate myself for this indulgence, but I hope not. Maybe I can change enough to accept the truth by the light of day, acknowledge the things I’ve been so willing to leave as whispers in the dark.
Eijun is my truth.
I know I need to continue to be Miyuki the manipulative bastard.
I know I need to continue to be sarcastic and twisted.
I know I need to continue to be a control freak.
I know I need…
Eijun.
For now, this is who I am.
I’ve never been one to run from facts or to hide behind the facade of ignorance.
I’ve never been one to hide what I am or pretend to be other than me.
I’ve never been one to pretend I care or run from solitude.
But for you, to keep you, I will do all of this. I will pretend, I will hide, I will run.
Whatever I need to do I will do.
Protect.
Keep.
Love.
I will.
By any means necessary.
Eijun.
I start to drift off again.
I feel Eijun against me, hair on my cheek, skin under my fingertips.
I am warm.