Chapter Text
I didn’t fall in love with you.
I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way.
I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we’d choose anyway.
And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.
where do you go when home is a person who isn’t here anymore?
- p. vallejo (via wordsnquotes)
She wanted to visit her clan again. It had been some time since Cullen’s men had helped protect them from the attack, and they’d survived the fight. Now Lavellan was ready to visit with them again, to both see Keeper Istimaethoriel and make sure her clan was alright. It was her duty as First to check on them, even if she still was committed to the Inquisition.
She chose a small party, Cassandra, Cole and strangely enough, Cullen, who had insisted he accompany her, his men having been the ones to help her clan in their time of need. She didn’t require a lot of convincing and agreed to let him join their party for the journey to the Free Marches.
Cassandra had been elected Divine, but spent all of her downtime in Skyhold before she left for her service. She’d been anxious to go travelling with Lavellan, and had all but begged her to take her with her whenever she left Skyhold.
Cole fit in strangely well with her clan when they arrived, though Lavellan knew he was hiding himself among them. Still, it was nice to see him mingling about, smiling faintly as he studied everyone he came across, recognizing the people she’d told him about.
Unlike Cole, Cassandra and Cullen were visibly uncomfortable. Lavellan made eye contact with Cassandra and nodded to her for reassurance, and the warrior woman seemed to relax a little. Cullen, for his part, remained increasingly unable to hide his unease.
Lavellan sighed. Perhaps some people never change.. Still, she could sense the hunters hidden in the surrounding trees and knew they wouldn’t attack while she was there. Not unless given the order.
Keeper Dashana Istimaethoriel approached her with open arms and embraced Lavellan tightly. “It gives me great joy to see you well, da’len.”
“And you, Keeper Dashana.” Lavellan smiled as her Keeper held her back at arm’s length to look at her.
“You look -” The Keeper’s pause filled Lavellan with fear. She suddenly realized this had all been a terrible mistake.
“Da’len, what has happened to your vallaslin?”
Lavellan paused, drawing in a deep breath. What should she say? How would she explain what Solas had told her about the vallaslin? Her Keeper would never believe her. Still, she had to try.
“I… Well. It’s hard to explain. But I met one of the People, and he explained to me what they really mean. That they are not to honor the old gods, but that they are...slave markings from the days of Old. They...honored the gods of the slavers.”
Cullen frowned. Was that true? He exchanged a glance with Cassandra who shrugged.
“And you believed him, child? How could you be so foolish?”
“He is... wise. I believed him, yes. He knew a spell to remove them, so I told him he could.”
“Then you are a bigger fool than I could have imagined. Oh, child.” The Keeper pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingertips and let out a great sigh. “I am heartbroken in this moment.”
“Keeper-”
“You have disgraced us. You have come to us naked and ashamed, having given up your pride as a Dalish. You come to visit us protected by shems, no less. Have you any pride at all? I sent you to the Conclave with a job, and you left us to lead a band of shemlen.”
“Keeper, please-”
“Listen to me, Child.” Keeper Istimaethoriel looked her in the eyes, tears sparkling in her own. “It gives me great pain to tell you this. But I can no longer accept you as Dalish.”
Lavellan began trembling. “...What?”
“I am sorry, Child. You have been as a daughter to me. But now you have become one of them.” The Keeper glanced back at Cullen and Cassandra. “I am thankful they have taken care of you, and seem to respect the People, but this I cannot tolerate. You may as well be of an alienage.” A tear slipped over her cheek as she whispered her next words. “Seron, you are Lavellan no longer. Be gone from us.”
Cassandra gasped and Cullen’s fingers tightened around his sword.
Lavellan shook her head as her Keeper let go of her shoulders and started to walk away, tears streaming down her cheeks as well.
“But… You can’t! I… Keeper, please, don’t do this!” Not you, too…
“I will give you a few moments to leave, but if you linger...” the Keeper glanced into the trees where the hunters waited.
Cullen stepped up to Lavellan and offered his hand. “Inquisitor, we’d better hurry.”
She could hardly move. Tears pouring down her bare cheeks, she glanced up at him, and then to Cassandra who nodded. “Let’s go.”
Cullen glanced at Cassandra who raised her eyebrows. Lavellan wasn’t moving.
“Come on,” he said softly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to direct her. He wasn’t sure if it was appropriate, but he also didn’t really have time to worry about it.
Cassandra glanced back, knowing Cole would catch up to them as she led them out of the Dalish camp.
As soon as they had reached the border, Lavellan crumpled to her knees and sobbed into her hands.
Cullen didn’t know what to do except to kneel next to her so she wasn’t alone on the ground. She cried for a long while, Cassandra turning her back to give her privacy.
As she began to calm down, Lavellan felt cool hands on her hot cheeks, and cool lips on her forehead. Cole.
“‘It hurts,’” Cole whispered. “‘Being cast out hurts, even more than I thought it would. I didn’t think she’d do it. Why did I let him take the vallaslin? Why did I believe him?’”
Cullen frowned.
“We can’t stay here, Inquisitor,” he murmured. Cole glanced at Cullen and nodded.
“We can help her,” Cole insisted. He reached for Lavellan’s hands. “You always help me. Let us help you.”
Lavellan sniffled and looked up at him. “Thank you, Cole.” She let him help her to her feet and leaned on him. Cole had never been good at affection, but she had taught him a few things about comfort.
Cullen cleared his throat. “Inquisitor?”
She turned from Cole’s side to meet his eyes. “Yes?”
“I don’t know if this will help but… Please remember that you’re not alone. You still have us.” He hesitated, coughed. “The Inquisition. We’re your family. We...all care about you.”
Cole squeezed her shoulders and nodded. “He thinks it, but doesn’t say it - we all love you.”
Cullen cleared his throat and tugged on his collar. “Thank you, Cole.”
Cole smiled. “I like it when we help people.”
Cassandra, facing forward, just smiled to herself. She knew what Cullen was thinking.
--
It had taken her almost a year after Solas left to smile again, to really, truly smile. Cullen almost counted the days.
He knew he couldn’t push her. He knew what the elven apostate had said, how he’d made promises of love and then removed her vallaslin and left her face bare, left her ashamed.
He’d never forget how she looked when he saw her without her facial tattoos. He hadn’t commented, but she knew he’d noticed. And she’d said nothing, kept her face down. She didn’t look up as often anymore, now that the apostate had left.
Though it had now been weeks since the clan had exiled her, she’d spent a lot of time in the garden, or in the nearby grove where there were trees. She showed up for every meeting, but there was a dullness in her eyes. Cole was at her side almost every moment, but thankfully remained quiet most of the time.
Cullen thought it interesting that the spirit boy had taken to her in such a way, but figured it made sense.
Cole had become like a son to her. She spent a lot of time teaching him what behaviors were okay, which were not, and Cullen was almost proud to see Cole functioning among the rest of the Inquisition like a normal human. Cole was definitely still a spirit, vanishing at a moment’s notice when he sensed pain that required help, but Cullen noticed how close Cole stayed to Lavellan, as if hers was the greatest pain of all.
The first time he heard her laugh since before they’d taken down Corypheus he felt like time stood still. They were playing Wicked Grace, and Varric had told a joke. He’d gone back to Kirkwall for awhile to help rebuild, but had promised to come back and visit. He’d stayed for two weeks, and every day of those two weeks Cullen had seen a lightness in Lavellan’s face that hadn’t been there before.
Cullen had lost the game again, but hadn’t bet any clothes to save himself from the embarrassment of the other time they’d all played together. He’d learned his lesson from last time.
Now it was Dorian’s turn to go back to Tevinter for awhile, and Cullen could see Lavellan wishing him a safe journey from where he stood on the battlements. She hugged her friend for a long time, and he returned her embrace, his eyes closed, smiling softly.
Maybe Cullen could start small, like spending time with her at the tavern. Maybe just them. It’s not like it was a secret he was interested. Everyone seemed to know but her. He’d had feelings for her since Haven, and, not knowing what to do about them, had lost his chance when she’d fallen for Solas. This didn’t surprise him. He was a human, what business did he have wooing her? Still. Solas was out of the picture and she’d gone through a long period of sadness now that he was gone. Maybe she was ready to move on. Or, maybe she didn’t want to consider a relationship with anyone.
Perhaps how often he thought of her would transfer to her through Cole. Crazier still, he considered just coming right out and asking her. The worst that could happen would be her telling him no. He’d gone so long pining after her he was used to the idea of her not being interested anyway.
--
“Commander Cullen thinks about you a lot,” Cole murmured softly one afternoon as he and Lavellan sat in the grove, Lavellan weaving flowers together to make a crown for him. Her hands faltered for a moment, but it escaped Cole’s notice.
“He thinks a lot of very nice things about you. He wants you to be happy. He is happy you have been smiling more often. He likes it when you smile.”
She didn’t know what to say, so she let Cole continue to speak. They’d spent a lot of time in silence together, which was something she didn’t mind in the slightest. He comforted her just by being around her. His presence reminded her that she wasn’t alone, despite being surrounded by hundreds of people at Skyhold at all times, most of them wanting her attention.
Her moments of respite were spent in this grove nowadays, Cole at her side, while she watched the sky, or weaved flowers together. She was still an elf, even if her clan had exiled her.
Maybe the elves didn’t want her, but this ragtag group of people, this war effort, they wanted her. They cherished her, respected her. They hadn’t gone anywhere.
She had cried herself to sleep for a week after her return from the Free Marches. Cole hadn’t left her side for more than an hour since then.
“He thinks about kissing you sometimes, but then he gets embarrassed.”
Lavellan opened her mouth to reply, but found no words. Cullen? He got embarrassed when he thought about her? He thought about kissing her?! Of course he did. She hadn’t spent a lot of time with him, but she was an elf. She was aware when people looked at her longer than others. But Cullen’s glances were different than Solas’s.
Solas had looked at her with affection, sure, but there was a hunger underneath that was inhuman.
Cullen didn’t possess that. He looked at her with respect, and a sort of pride. He was proud of her?
She had to admit she admired him. He was handsome, and his smile was kind. His bashfulness over anything crude was sweet. He had taken good care of them. He was a good leader, even if he didn’t want to be. Maybe there could be something good there?
Lavellan couldn’t forget what Dorian had said at the gate earlier when he’d embraced her.
“Give my regards to our dear Commander, won’t you?”
Lavellan had thought he was just commenting on Cullen’s physical attractiveness - Dorian made no secret that he’d have already leapt on the Commander were he in any way remotely interested. Or he was just having his fun with the ‘prudish’ Cullen.
She had laughed it off, but Dorian shook his head. “No, I mean it. If I have to coordinate with Leliana, which I’m not above doing, I’m going to be disappointed in you.”
She pretended not to hear him. “Be safe, Dorian.”
“Maybe I’ll write to Cassandra as well, she and Cullen seem to be quite close,” he mused.
Lavellan turned him around and pushed him towards the exit. “Quit being so obnoxious and go work on being an adult.”
He laughed before kissing her forehead. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too. Be safe.”
Lavellan sighed, knowing Dorian was right. She finished the flower crown and placed it on Cole’s head. “I know what I have to do.”
“Do you need help?”
She sighed. “You know, Cole. For the first time, I think I’ll be okay on my own. Go find something to do and come find me later, okay? We can eat dinner together.”
Cole’s expression softened. “Don’t be nervous.”
“I’m not -”
“You are.”
She took a deep breath and squeezed Cole’s hands. “I am.”
Cole reached for the flower crown. “You should wear this instead. It’ll give you courage.”
Cole stood and set the crown on Lavellan’s head. “There. Now you are brave enough. Go say hello to him. Tell him you want to talk to him.”
Lavellan stood up straight and smiled. “Do I look nice?”
“He thinks you always look nice. But nicer when you smile.”
“Then I shall smile,” she said, squeezing Cole’s hands. “Find me later.”
He smiled. “You’ll be fine,” he insisted.
--
Lavellan knocked lightly on the door to Cullen’s office and he looked up, his face softening when he saw her in the doorway.
“Inquisitor, good afternoon. What brings you up here?” He paused as he stood up from his chair. “What’s with the flowers?”
She laughed faintly and pointed to the crown. “I made it for Cole but he insisted I wear it when I come see you.”
“When you-” Cullen hesitated and Lavellan realized she’d said that outloud.
“Well. Commander, it occurs to me that though we’ve talked at length I know nothing about you. I know almost everything about most of the others, but not a lot about you.” She sighed, drawing her strength from the flowers on her head. “If you’re not too busy right now -”
“Let’s walk,” he agreed, gesturing to the door.
--
Much later in the day, the sun long gone behind the mountains, Cole appeared behind the Inquisitor in the tavern, startling Cullen, which caused him to slosh some ale onto the table. Lavellan turned and smiled at Cole. “You found me!”
“You think I don’t know how to find you,” Cole stated, then, delighted, “Oh! You kept them on!”
Lavellan reached for the flower crown and gestured that Cole bend so she could put them on him instead. He didn’t always wear his hat, Lavellan insisting that sometimes he go without it so people could see his face. The flowers suited him.
“Did you want to sit down?”
“Cullen doesn’t want me to,” Cole said softly, and Lavellan knew Cullen had heard him. She blushed, seeing Cullen studying his ale with sudden great interest.
Lavellan reached for Cole’s hand and squeezed it. “Well, I want you to. If you want to stay, please do.”
Cole shrugged. “I will find something to do. I will find you later when you have gone to sleep.”
She offered him a soft smile and as she blinked, he was gone.
Cullen cleared his throat. “Does that not bother you at all? His coming and going?”
“I’ve grown used to it,” she admitted. “He used to startle me, but I’ve taught him a lot about personal space, and to make sure he knocks if it’s in my room, just in case it’s not a good time. He’d know anyway, but… It’s about human behavior.”
“Why teach him human behaviors if he’s not human?”
“He’s still one of us, and people are uncomfortable enough with him around. If he acts as normal as possible, I think it makes it easier for him to be here.”
Cullen sighed. “You two are close.”
“I don’t know how it happened that way,” she said with a half-smile. “I didn’t mean to take him on, but we just kind of...fell together.”
“You didn’t mean to become his mother,” Cullen joked, and Lavellan, knowing he was right, laughed.
“I guess I am, aren’t I?”
“I suppose it’s too bad his father’s a deadbeat,” Cullen said. He knew he shouldn’t have. Sore subject. He was taking a risk.
Lavellan sighed, hurt flashing through her eyes for a moment. “Solas left Cole with many questions, but if Cole wants to seek answers, he need only find him in the Fade.”
“You have many questions,” Cullen said.
“I won’t get answers.”
“Ever?”
“No, I suppose not.” She couldn’t meet his eyes.
“That’s hardly fair.”
She narrowed her eyes and sighed. “I have a power I didn’t ask for, that has put me in charge of an army I wasn’t prepared to run. Someone who I thought was my lover and ally has completely deserted me without explanation, and to top it off, now I’m a Dalish elf exiled from my clan. A lot of my life lately hasn’t been what I’d call ‘fair’.”
Cullen shifted, visibly uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take this conversation in this direction. I had promised myself I wouldn’t bring him up.”
“He was one of us for awhile, Cullen. I know you all have questions that I can’t answer.”
“Still, it wasn’t fair of me to bring it up,” Cullen admitted. “I…”
“I know why you did,” she said softly. The tavern had cleared out, the hour late. Cullen didn’t have to lean forward to hear her but he did anyway.
She met his eyes. “I think I can safely say he doesn’t bother me anymore. He used to visit me in the Fade, and I think he’d assume I couldn’t tell he was there, but… I knew. He hasn’t visited in a long time, and I am thankful. Perhaps he realizes it wasn’t helping me move on, like he told me to.”
Cullen frowned. “Perhaps Cole told him to leave you alone.”
Lavellan’s eyes widened. “I hadn’t even considered it. That’s…” She couldn’t decide whether to smile or frown. “...Well, it makes the most sense.”
“Cole takes care of you. He may seem odd to a lot of the other people at Skyhold, but...he cares about you, I’ll give him that.”
It was one of many late-night tavern conversations that became regular, Lavellan finding herself laughing more and more as the nights went on. Cullen was quite funny, once he’d relaxed a little, which was usually after two or three mugs of ale.
After they’d part ways and Lavellan would trudge up to her room and curl up in bed, she’d think about their conversations for awhile, only to open her eyes and find Cole lying next to her, his eyes open as he studied her face.
“You’re feeling happy,” he said to her one night after she’d returned.
“Yes, I am.”
“Tell me about it, I want to know.”
“Cole, I think I could fall for him.”
“That’s what he wants,” Cole said. Lavellan nodded and reached for Cole’s hands in the darkness.
“I know. I can tell. He’s...sweet, and gentle. I think I could really fall for him if I gave myself the chance.”
“What stops you? Solas is gone.”
“I don’t want Cullen to be a replacement, because he’s not.” She sighed. “He’ll compare himself, I think, and I don’t want that either. He’s a good man. I don’t want him to spend the entire time wondering if he’s good enough. Because I have a feeling he’s better.”
“They are different people, him and Solas,” Cole whispered. Lavellan nodded.
“I know. But the thing is… When people get into relationships with other people, and they know that the other has been hurt, they spend a lot of time worrying that they’re good enough, or better than the person who had hurt them.”
“Relationships are complicated,” Cole mused. Lavellan gathered him into her arms.
“That’s the truest thing you’ve ever said, little one.”
--