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It was hot. Very hot.
Yet Shu Yamino, who was a fully grown man, drank steaming hot coffee with some left-over pies in the fridge. He sat there, empty eyes and empty thoughts. The only thing left occupying his mind was a trail of blond hair and a familiar smile.
He repeatedly tapped his mug with his nails and stared into the void. He could hear his own breathing; it was uncomfortable — like a pain scratched his throat, losing the voice to speak.
He felt sick, but he wasn’t. It was those days where he could only imagine. Imagine him. Imagine him with him.
Although he knew his imaginations were far from reality, it’s not like he could help it. He felt a sting every time, a pain that hurt so fucking much yet felt so… good.
A question he always asked himself: Does he even care about you like you do?
A question he already knows the answer to.
A scoff he let out, followed by a shake of his head. “God damn it, Shu Yamino.” He cursed in his breath, tears pricking his eyes and threatening to fall out.
He has told himself many many times. His friends have as well. They’ve told him to move on, but it’s always not that simple, is it?
Life always and always has to beat you up, tear you apart before it allows you to get back up. Even so, Shu was known to overcome challenges. He was known to be clever, determined, and reliable.
So why can’t he do it now?
What is so special about him, to the point where Shu cries himself to sleep every night? To the point where he’s already battered up and bruised, yet he still can’t find the motive to stand up?
Heaven and Hell knows he’s tried. He’s tried so hard to forget about him. He’s tried so hard to forget all the faux moments, and that all the affections he receives was for a friend only.
It was frustrating. So fucking frustrating.
He didn’t know why he fell for him. He didn’t even know what he saw in him.
But maybe he didn’t need to.
Maybe, Luca — just Luca, was enough for him to drown in his deepest desires.
But somewhere inside, he knows. He knows that one day he’d be free from all the burden he carries alone. He knows that one day he’d stop falling for him. He knows that one day, he’ll find someone who likes him the way he likes Luca.
It will take a long time. It could take weeks, months, years, who knows?
But for now, he’ll continue to drink his coffee, finish his pie, and let his imaginations run wild.
And of course, he’d let Luca break his heart again and again.
—
“Shu!”
There it is. That stupid voice that never fails to make him smile.
“I’m so glad you came.” Luca sighed in relief, watching as the brunette walked towards him with a soft gaze.
Once he was close enough, Shu felt himself getting pulled into a hug, a pair of strong arms trapping him in between. He quickly reciprocated the action and embraced him back, smelling the sweet scent of honey.
They soon pulled away. Shu had to give his everything just not to whine from the loss of contact. “So,” he started, “what did you call me out here for?”
For a moment, he saw Luca visibly tense, but he was quick to shrug it off. “Well, we haven’t been hanging out that much, you know?” He chuckled.
Shu knows he means no harm to the statement, but he felt guilt wash over him. That’s because he was intentionally ignoring Luca. He knows he can’t keep going on like this. He can’t keep waking up to dry tears in his eyes every morning. He can’t keep clinging on to that one string of false affection. And he cannot keep losing more of himself every night.
He’s tried.
He’s tried his very best.
Yet it’s impossible if the main cause keeps finding him in his worst state every time.
“Yeah?” Shu let out a fake laugh, hiding the pain and burying it in the deepest depths of his heart. “Sorry about that,” he was quick to make an excuse, like he was already used to it, “it’s getting kind of busy with the academics and all.”
Luca hummed and nodded in agreement. Without a word, he sat down on the grass and patted the spot beside him, prompting the other to take a seat.
Shu’s breath hitched but followed nonetheless and sat down a few inches away from him. There was a glimpse of uncomfortableness in the atmosphere that only Shu seemed to notice, whilst the blond just continued to stare into the hues of the sunset.
But Shu need not to look at the front, for his sunset was already beside him.
He just wishes he was his sunshine instead.
Shu sighed and let his gaze fall upon the view, muttering incoherent words that Luca couldn’t clearly understand, soon shrugging it aside.
When the brunette noticed no reaction from the latter, he scoffed to himself like a fool, the very words he said repeating in his mind.
‘The sunset is beautiful, isn’t it?’
He got lost in his own sorrowful thoughts, that he didn’t feel a teardrop falling down his eyes. “Shu…?” Someone called out his name, making him snap his head around in surprise.
Shu quickly wiped his face with the hem of his sleeves, but the action was later found futile, as more and more came crashing down like waterfalls.
Luca panicked, but instinctively pulled the brunette closer, wrapping his arms around him. He let the latter soak his clothes, hearing the weeps of the man under him.
It was only them in the surroundings, so Shu could scream as loud as he wanted — as long as he wanted. And Luca would be there to listen.
But that’s the problem. He would be there to listen, not understand. He never will understand.
The cries of agony continued on for moments and moments, until Shu could only whine. A part of him wanted to cry more, but the tears ran out.
Once only hiccups were heard coming out of his mouth, he pulled away from Luca, feeling the last bit of his dignity break apart. “This is so embarrassing…” Shu felt his cheeks turn red, looking away in humiliation.
“No no no, it’s okay!” Luca hurriedly said, patting the latter’s back in comfort.
Silence fell upon them. It was quiet, some would even say peaceful, yet Shu knew it was far from that. He pictured that all the laughter, all the joy, all the affectionate moments were all a fraud. A hoax. A lie that was meant to make him look like a fool. Gullible, perhaps.
But he wasn’t stupid. No, he knew fully well his feelings will never be reciprocated. He was just a man blinded by the desire to feel loved — the desire to love.
Now that Luca had seen him in this pitiful state, he knew what he had to do. He needed to do it.
“Are you okay, Shu?” The feeling was awkward, Luca wasn’t the best at comforting people. But he tried his best. He always does. Shu admires him for that.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just-” He stumbled with his words, losing the effort to continue it. So instead he just sighed and pursed his lips. “The sunset today is beautiful, don’t you think so?” He uttered, clearly this time.
Luca tilted his head in confusion, until a suspicion arose in his head. “Shu…?” He breathed, oh-so-quiet. “What is that supposed to mean?” The desperation in his voice can be heard, the shattering of his heart was as clear as glass.
But Shu just huffed out a laugh. “Whatever you want it to mean.” He finally looked at the blond directly in the eyes, loving the lilac shade of his iris.
The moment felt all the bittersweet to Shu. A part of him feels relieved, and a part of him wants to run away and lock himself inside his room for eternity.
After what seemed like years, Luca finally spoke. “Shu,” he called out once again, “do you… do you like me?” And there it was. The same words the latter was expecting to come.
“What would you do if I told you I did?” Shu answered the question with another question.
The blond was left baffled and confused. His mouth closed and opened repeatedly, struggling to find the words to say. “I… I don’t know.” He replied, causing an unwanted pain to engulf Shu’s heart once again, yet the smile never left his face.
“You don’t have to,” he did his best to seem fine, but a small voice crack managed to slip its way out, “because I already do.” His mouth trembled, as his shaky hands were placed on top of Luca’s.
“Don’t worry about me too much,” he joked, trying to humor the pain away, “maybe one day… I’ll stop falling in love with you.”
Shu took Luca’s hands and raised it to his lips, planting a soft and chaste kiss on it, before standing up and wiping the tears he didn’t even know fell.
He didn’t have anything else to say. All the words needed to be said were already said. All that’s left now is to bid farewell. Either temporarily or permanently, only time will tell.
“I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t come looking for me.” Shu looked everywhere but Luca’s eyes. He couldn’t stand to face him. “I’ll come back when I’m ready to come back. Who knows how long, but I promise you I will.” He continued, fiddling with his fingers from behind. “I’ve always told you that I wouldn’t be with you forever… So, until then, take care of yourself, okay?” With one last glance, he smiled at Luca like how he always imagined he’d smile at his lover. “I love you. I always will; remember that.”
Shu turned around, not waiting to know what the other’s response would be. He didn’t want to know. He forced his legs to walk, walk, and walk like there was no tomorrow.
And maybe it was just his imagination — just him getting a last taste of his mind playing tricks on him — he let himself think that a hand hesitantly reached to stop him. The hand of the same man he loved. But of course, there was no touch that halted him from his steps.
—
Now he laid down on the bed, curved up in a ball, soaking yet another blanket with his tears.
It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad.
But an ugly truth was better than a bitter lie.
Someday,
One day,
He’ll stop thinking of him.
But for now, he’d let him break his heart over and over, again and again.