Work Text:
Toya took another step forward, breathing in the calm brisk air swirling past him. This was truly what Kohane had meant, he realised, this was what he needed to see. He felt a solum gloom settle over him if only for a moment. This is what he could have had if not for the strict teachings of his father, if not for the place that he had been born to fill unwillingly. He stared out at the path leading deep into the forest before him, watching as a mother and father swung their youngest child through the air with their hands. He watched as their other sons ran off and around them, their imagination filling the air with cheerful laughter.
Slowly, they dissipated, leaving only the serean wilderness to comfort him. Taking a deep breath he began his stroll, soaking in the changing colours as he chuckled to himself about how well the leaves matched his friend. Akito had been, reluctant to say the least, about Toya leaving off on his own to tread paths unknown. An and Kohane had been right alongside him, voicing their worries. He was after all, not in his element, but he assured them that it would be fine. He had done his research after all, and with his camping gear, map, and guidebook in hand had taken the first train in the early hours of the morning.
Walking along the footpath, he watched wildlife move from afar, admiring the way squirrels raced along the branches of trees. He silently wondered if maybe one day, he too could move through the world as carefree as they could.
The soothing rush of water took his attention away from the squirrels, Toya turning to be faced with a fast moving creek, water weaving and running around rocks and plants. Planting his feet near the bank of the creek, he stared down at the distorted reflection of himself. He watched as his own smile fell upon his lips, shifting with the pace of the water.
He hummed to himself as he looked up, soon taking out the map and compass he had packed. The campsite he had picked was supposed to be right next to the further up creek. Though that one looked to be a bit of a hike.
“You’ll be fine” he breathed out quietly to himself as he took off again down the winding path, deep into the forest.
–
It had been a good half an hour before he reached the small clearing next to the opening to a creek slightly bigger than the last. It was stunning really, the sun shone clear through the tree leaves, casting their spell on the earth below. He wondered what his friends would say if they saw it.
He took out his phone quickly, wondering if a picture would do it justice. It didn’t, but he decided it would get the job done.
Hoping his one bar of service would work well enough he opened up his chat with Akito, seeing the already few messages sitting unread and waiting for him.
Akito: be safe yeah? Let me know when you get there
7:23am
Akito: The forecast has been kinda shitty, might rain, don’t forget to put up a tarp over your tent
8:02am
Akito: Do you even know how to put up a tent?
8:02am
Toya felt his lips upturn at his friends' messages before furrowing. The forecast had read as clear before he left, but he supposed he could do with some rain.
Toya: Just got to my campsite, I looked it up it can’t be that hard
9:56am
Toya sent one attachment
9:56am
Akito: Alright well good luck, that campsite looks awesome. Glad I could help you pick it out.
9:57am
Toya: Yeah, thanks for that. I don’t have much service here, so if I don’t reply that’s why
9:57am
Akito: Cool ok, what time are you supposed to be back tomorrow?
9:57am
Toya: Around 12
9:58am
Akito: K, I’ll pick you up from the train station
9:58am
Toya: Okay, thank you. I’ll message you later.
9:59am
Akito: Sure thing, see ya.
9:59am
Toya smiled as he shut off his phone, putting it into his pocket before taking his large camping backpack off and placing it on the ground. Pulling the tent and tarp out he got to work, fairly confident that even he, who had never been camping before, could easily set up a tent.
–
He was wrong. But truly, why the fuck was the tent so hard to put up, it had taken almost two hours with frustrated breaks in between. He glanced at his handiwork, the tent pegged down and secured, the tarp neatly tied on top. It almost didn’t reflect the absolute disaster that had ensued trying to put it up.
Toya sighed and sat down on a log nearby the tent, taking out his water bottle to drink as he let his mind wander back to his friend.
Akito had been kind to him since he first met him, they had had their ups and downs, but soon, for Toya at least, he had wanted more. He had longed to close the distance between them, to grasp for the other’s hand. They had become best friends overtime, partners, and they were, after all, the perfect fit for each other. Akito understood him more than anyone else in his life had. And Toya had tried to be the same for him.
Akito was perfectly himself, his gruff personality always seemed to suit him more than the nice guy persona he put on on occasion. He was there through the significant rough patches Toya went through with his dad, through the arguments and how they affected him.
Toya adored Akito, he was the epitome of cool, but he still had his moments. After all his life wasn’t perfect either. But he relied on Toya, and that was all that mattered to the split haired teen at that moment. He admired the drive and passion Akito had for his craft, the work he put into it, and his desire to surpass rad weekend, to sing with everyone, and achieve their goals.
He wasn’t sure when his feelings toward Akito had surpassed the friend stage and over to something more, but it had hit him one day during practice. The way the lights glistened on Akito’s face, illuminating his already stunning features. The way his heart sped up when they’d lock eyes mid-song.
But Toya had never spoken of it to his friend, after all, he could never know if there was even a possibility that Akito could feel the same. So he waited, hoping that maybe the right time could come along, and he could speak what he held back. But it hadn’t, not yet at least.
The boy was snapped out of his thoughts by something wet hitting the top of his head, then another hitting his leg, and another. Looking up he watched as clouds drifted overhead, a light rain beginning to fall. He sighed, grabbing his things and hurriedly pushed them into his tent, glad that he had set it up right away.
Zipping it closed he got out his sleeping back and mat, setting them up as droplets of rain bounced and hit off the tarp covering his tent. Toya laid back comfortably, staring up at the roof of the tent. He had hoped the rain would hold off, at least a little longer, he had wanted to explore the surrounding area a little more. Having already found what he believed Kohane was talking about, he wanted to explore that feeling further, to dance in its depths and let it carry him along.
But alas he was stuck as the rain softly beat down. It sounded rhythmic he supposed, a melody unsung hanging in the air and drifting through the trees. His eyes closed slowly, a lull pulling him deeper into his own exhaustion. He hadn’t slept well the night prior to his trip, an argument with his father plaguing his mind for the major portion of the night, and the uneven tracks the train ran along didn’t offer him much sleep either. Toya supposed he could take a nap, waiting out the rain with some sleep wouldn’t be too bad.
–
It was pitch black when he awoke next, a thunderous crash echoing off the surrounding bush and into his tent. Rain beat down heavily around him, the sound of rushing water reaching his ears.
Toya felt cold, a shiver running down his spine as he realised that he also felt wet. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness he looked around the tent, searching for his flashlight. Upon finding it he clicked it on, fear slowly seeping in as he took in the state of his tent.
The bottom was covered in a layer of muddy water, his sleeping bag soaked, along with the bottom of his bag and undoubtedly the contents inside. His phone sat on the floor of the tent, half submerged.
Cursing he picked it up, no light illuminating his screen as he tried to turn it on. His mind turned to panic as he thought about his situation. He had no idea how long he slept, he had no idea what time it was, he had no idea how long it had been raining, everything was soaked, his tent was flooding, and the storm outside showed no sign of stopping.
He felt himself begin to hyperventilate, his mind racing a mile a minute. This was awful, this was horrible, this wasn’t what he expected, he thought he was prepared. He should have been more prepared. What is he going to do? How will he make it through the rest of the storm? The rest of the night? This was bad, this was bad this was bad-
“Breath” He told himself, trying to think of the way Akito would hold his hand when he was amidst panic. Trying to remember how Akito’s heart beat felt, trying to remember the rhythm.
“Panicking won’t help. think.” He took a few steading breaths, trying to remember what his research had told him.
Quickly he packed what he could into his bag and threw it onto his back, unzipping the tent. The cold air rushed against his face. Shining his flashlight around him he took in the mess that was his campsite. Branches strewn across the ground, narrowly missing his tent. The tarp had been ripped away, his tent sitting in a pool of water connecting now to the riverbank of the creek.
The sky lit up as lightning flashed, fully illuminating the world around him, he felt the lingering shock whip through his body, doing his best to swollow down the terror he felt pooling in his stomach. The area looked unfamiliar in the harsh darkness and torn mess, his way there seemed missing, a puzzle piece straying from the box.
“It’s fine, you’re fine”
His first stop was to get away from the creek, the lightning hitting the water would prove deadly if he was anywhere near it, godforbid touching the water. He walked away quickly, turning back to take a longing look at his tent.
He needed shelter not hypothermia, and its location wasn’t safe. Although he knew that even without his flooded tent, his soaked clothes would prove to be a problem. He should have known, he should have listened to what his readings told him. Taking a shuddering breath Toya tried to ignore the chill of the rain hitting his face as he trekked away from the campsite and into the thick bush in search of shelter.
–
Akito bit his lip as he stared at his phone screen for what felt to be the 10th time in 5 minutes. It had been nearly 7 hours since Toya had last been in contact with him, and the severe thunderstorm warning for the area he had picked to camp wasn’t doing anything to sooth his worries.
He watched the minutes tick by as no notifications popped up on his phone. He had messaged Toya multiple times by now, still warranting no response. He knew that he might not have service, Toya himself had told him as such. But this silence in combination with a severe storm wasn’t helping.
Tapping on Toya’s icon he hit call, listening as it went straight to voicemail. He tried a few more times, the bad feeling in his stomach only increasing at a rapid pace.
“You’re being ridiculous” he muttered to himself, his voice resounding in the quiet of his bedroom. Quickly getting up he made his way down to the living room, settling himself down on the couch, hoping that maybe the news could be his source of information.
Flicking on the screen he scrolled to the news, watching as stories cycled through about anything and everything. He could feel his head starting to clear, the pit in his stomach giving way and dissipating. There was nothing, it was nothing, his friend was clearly just enjoying himself. He had never been camping after all, and he deserved a fun trip. It wasn’t like the weather forecast was always right anyways.
He turned his head to the side, peering out at the grey clouds that moved overhead. It was pretty dark out already, the sun setting so early come the winter months. His mind supplied him with the long movie nights the pair had done together. Toya was always the first one to fall asleep, his head slotted neatly on Akito’s shoulder, his breathing even and calm. Akito felt his lips upturn slightly at the memories of a small warmth blossoming in his chest. When Toya was home, he’d ask him to join in another movie night.
Toya had always seemed to have trouble sleeping recently. Akito knew how rocky his relationship with his estranged father was, the man was stubborn if anything, and in Akito’s opinion, just as cruel. He remembered the way his chest felt as his friend spilled stories of turmoil, stress, pain, and fear. The anger he felt towards Toya’s father, the anger he harboured for his mother, who wholeheartedly backed his father up.
He heard a small scoff behind him, his sister’s voice tuning him back in.
“I’ve never seen you watch the news before, this is new.” She had her arms crossed, an eyebrow raised as she looked between him and the television.
“I don’t usually watch it” he responded shortly, turning back towards the television.
“Uh huh.. wanna go get cheesecake later?” Ena asks, walking to sit on the arm chair to the right of the couch, she turned her attention briefly to the tv.
“I don’t really feel like taking photos of you” He responded nonchalantly, pulling out his phone to check the time.
“Wow- Hey, didn’t you mention the other day that Toya was going camping?” She asked, her eyes glued to the television screen, a small waver to her voice.
“Yeah I-” Akito looked up at her before turning to the tv. “I did” He watched the news reporter go on about evacuation efforts, a storm so strong they were sure there would be casualties among campers in the area. How the rescue team had been at it for an hour and not a single person had been found.
That was where Toya was. That was where. Oh god.
“Akito- Akito.” He came back into focus, his sister standing now infront of him, her eyebrows furrowed in slight concern. “What’s going on? Is that the area he picked?” She asked, looking back at the television.
“Yeah” He could feel his mouth getting dry, his heart rate starting to pick up. “Can you-” He took a deep breath, running his hand over his face before handing his phone to Ena. “Can you call An and Kohane for me, ask them to come over?”
She took it before nodding briefly and walking off into the kitchen.
Akito turned to look back at the tv, the lack of further information burning a hole in his stomach. His hands clasped his knees tightly, hoping that whatever divine force was out there would keep his friend, his partner safe.
–
Trudging through the bush, Toya felt a lump grow in his throat, his desire to find a place to rest had diminished, leaving an empty, hollow feeling in his chest. Another crash shook his body, his arms tightening around himself to uselessly shield himself.
He distantly wondered what Miku and the others were up to in the sekai. If Rin and Len were arguing again, or if Miku was finding something else broken to turn into a wondrous work of art. If Meiko was brewing another one of her special blends.
He stopped suddenly, staring wide eyed ahead as hope blossomed bright within him. A lonely jut-out from the tall wall of rock and dirt stood in front of him. It was inviting, calling out to him. And he accepted.
Reaching the underhang, Toya collapsed against the wall of dirt and rock, the better half of his body shielded from the rain pounding down around him, his bag discarded beside him. He couldn’t tell just how long he had been walking for, it could have been hours, it felt like days, each step growing harder to make. His body ached from the numerous falls he had endured to get as far as he had, his head pounding with a resounding headache. Thunder shook the ground as lightning struck, his body shaking more with each passing roar. He had never been afraid of storms as a child, never thought he had a reason to, but this, this was so much more than he would have ever imagined.
He looked down at his hands, blood caked around the palm and edges of his fingers, undoubtedly from catching his fall along the rough edges of rocks that lay within the mud. He opened and closed his hands a few times, a stinging pain resonating from them. A laugh almost reaching his lips. It was ironic in a sense, when his father begrudgingly allowed him on his trip, the one thing he had been told was to not damage his hands.
Drawing his knees to his chest he tucked his head down, his arms safely curling over it. He tried to imagine the street sekai, practising with the vivid bad squad. He tried to remember the warmth of the weekend garage, the calm he felt sipping coffee Ken had made him, An and Kohane not far away talking animatedly about their next performance. He tried to remember the way he felt next to Akito as they watched movies. The warmth that always seemed to radiate off of his partner, the way it warmed his heart.
He wished he was there, he wished he was anywhere far away from the looming darkness of the forest, the cold that threatened to overtake him at any moment. He had to stay awake.
Toya shivered again, looking up and out at the darkness around him. Maybe his father was right, he decided. Maybe classical music was what he was meant for, all he was good for. This was supposed to be simple, but here he was curled up like a child after a nightmare, injured and cold, so so cold. He should have stayed home or maybe he should have accepted help from his friends, allowed them to come along. But then- they would have been put in this situation too. He grimaced at the thought of them trying to fare through this weather.
But at least, if they were here he wouldn’t be alone.
His friends were right to be worried. He didn’t have the experience he needed, maybe reading about something really was unlike the thing itself. What if he had completely screwed himself over..
What if no one was looking for him..? What if he was never going to be found.?What if he had already seen his friends for the last time and didn’t even know it?
Toya clasped his hands over his ears, ducking his head down as tears started to build in his eyes. The roof of the overhang closed in on him, matching the constriction in his chest that threatened to suffocate him.
Spots began to dance behind his closed eyes as he fought for breath, his mind spiralling deeper and deeper into the depths of despair. He wished- he needed Akito, he needed his friends.
A sob broke past his lips, blending into the howling wind and rain, burning at his throat. The noises began to grow distant, further and further away until almost a calmness began to overtake his body.
Struggling he pulled his hands away from his ears to claw at his throat, willing it to give way and let him breath.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he should be strategizing on his next move, not panicking, but that voice sank so far behind the sound of his heartbeat in his ears. He reached for it, trying to grasp at it.
But instead he sank deeper, his hands slowly falling from his neck and into his lap, his head resting back against the stone behind it.
He almost didn’t mind as the exhaustion and lack of air overtook him. It felt soulful, peaceful, and calm, like the early years, a parent singing to their young child as they fell asleep. He relished in the feeling, the pain from before becoming that of a small buzz in the background.
Closing his eyes, he gave into the pull, letting it take him among the drifting waves of its comfort.
—
Akito barely heard his friends arrive, his focus trained on the screen in front of him. It wasn’t until he felt the dip in the couch beside him that he turned to face the concerned faces of An and Kohane.
“Any word?” Kohane asked quietly, her hands folded neatly in her lap as she seemed to be examining his face.
“No” He replied simply, turning back to the television. He saw movement in his periphery, Ena moving again to sit on the armchair.
Kohane leaned into An’s arm, her head sitting on her shoulder, her face reflecting her train of thought. An sighed in response, resting her own head on top of kohanes. The taller may have always seemed to be able to keep it together more than her shorter counterpart, but the worry and fear spoke volumes in the way her eyes travelled between the tv and the floor.
He heard Ena take in a breath suddenly.
“Didn’t you and Toya pick out his campsite together?” She asked quickly, not facing him.
“Were you listening to our phone call??” Akito asked incredulously, a slight irritation bubbling in his voice.
“Not my fault you're loud.” She retorted, crossing one leg over the other.
“Oh shut up-”
“No seriously, didn’t you help him? Can’t you call authorities and tell them where it is? I’m not sure how it would work, but it’s worth a shot right?” Ena interrupted him, finally looking him in the eyes.
In that moment Akito felt stupid. Maybe he was. It felt ridiculous to miss that, to not think of that very real solution. Something that could maybe aid in finding Toya hopefully sooner rather than later. He felt his heart skip a beat at the revelation his sister had provided him, before pulling out his phone and stepping into the other room.
–
He wasn’t sure why his eyes opened again, but he wished it didn't happen. Toya felt the world come rushing in again, the pain, the terror, the storm, everything. He clutched his head as the sounds around him flooded through his senses, shaking every fibre of his being.
Why was he still here, why did he still have to go through this. Why couldn’t this just be over with, why why why
A shout in the distance caught his attention, his head snapping up in search of it. He felt his heart race as he struggled to shout, his voice giving out on him as he dissolved into a fit of coughs. A frantic feeling began to grow in his chest as he let out gasping breaths, his arms struggling to pull him to his feet.
He had never felt so weak. His body felt as if it was failing him, but at the same time he couldn’t feel anything at all. It was cold, so cold. Exhaustion coursed through his legs as he pushed up onto them taking each staggering step at a time, desperately trying to call out, for someone to find, please- kami just find him.
He tried to run, he tried to push forward, grabbing trees to propel himself further as he got closer to the shouts of people. They were close, they were so close. He could go home, he could see his friends, he could see Akito.
His heart caught in his throat as he face planted into the mud and rocks below, his foot having caught on a jumbled mess of tree roots. He sank into it, his body not responding to his want to get up, to keep moving, to go home.
Toya’s body lay still, the shallow rise and fall of his chest, pushing into the ground below, his eyes tired, mind lagging, pushing, floating away.
He had never felt like this before, a world moving about him in a motion he couldn’t recognize, as if he wasn’t even there, as if he was listening through a thick syrup. He felt like he was swimming through an endless void, feeling nothing but everything. The pain and exhaustion was almost unbearable, but it felt blocked, behind a head steel wall, unbreakable, unmoving.
He barely registered a voice floating through the air, arms turning him over, fingers pressed firmly to his throat. He couldn’t hear the yelling, the hurried voices, he couldn’t feel the hands pulling him up.
His eyes opened blearily, a pair staring back at him, the mouth moving but no sound coming out. Toya felt like he was watching himself as he was picked up, the sensation bringing him back to wonder if this is what it was like when parents brought their children to their room after falling asleep on the couch. He closed his eyes again, relishing in the feeling.
His senses began to return to him as warmth seeped through his body from the person's back connecting with his chest. He pressed closer to it, shivers taking over his entire body. A voice spoke again, it sounded like it was off in the distance, but the vibrations of the voice felt closer.
It was a while of drifting before he felt himself being put down, his eyes opening again to the ceiling of an ambulance, a paramedic working hastily to stabilise him.
She made eye contact with him, focus and slight concern showing on her face as her mouth opened. No sound reached him. Toya attempted to shake his head, trying to communicate his lack of hearing. She nodded, regardless of him knowing if he had been successful or not.
Slowly, he let out a breath, letting himself soak in the warmth, the feelings before shock wore off and more pain settled in, the feelings of finally being safe mixing together, colours bright for a canvas.
He could slowly feel red hot guilt seep into his chest. Toya knew he hadn’t imagined it in his delirium, the feeling of yearning for peace, for death.
It was stupid.
He knew that, but he so desperately had wanted his ordeal to be over. Tears stung at the corners of his eyes, one slowly tipping over the edge, leaving a small streak in its wake.
He couldn’t hear as his chest heaved, his left arm coming up to cover his eyes as he earnestly sobbed. Pain rattled his chest with each shaking cry. He could feel a hand grasp his, holding it firm, a prick soon following on his upper left arm.
And before he knew it, he was out.
—
Toya groaned as harsh white light hit his eyes, a headache beginning to form between his eyes. He blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to his surroundings.
He took in a quick breath at the sound of the heart monitor next to him. Relief flooding his system, he could hear properly. Turning his head to the side he came face to face with the sleeping face of his best friend, his partner, hand held tightly in his own, as he leaned on the side of the bed, soft snores floating through the air.
He smiled softly before taking in the rest of the room, it was just like any ordinary hospital room, flowers put in a small vase on his bedside, along with well wishing cards. He easily recognized An’s handwriting.
Turning back to his friend he whispered softly, squeezing the hand holding his.
“Akito”
The boy in question shuffled a bit, opening his eyes with a yawn, taking in his atmosphere before locking eyes with Toya.
The latter felt his heart skip a beat, all of the emotions he tried to suppress bubbling to the surface, the shock of almost dying, the guilt of wanting to, the thought of almost never seeing his favourite person again.
Toya watched as differing emotions fluttered through Akito’s eyes quickly. He could barely keep up, catch or grasp onto them. He watched as Akito’s eyebrows furrowed quickly.
Arms encircled him before he even realised it, calming circles being rubbed into his back.
Oh, he was crying.
“You jackass you scared me” He heard Akito say quietly, a small waver in his voice. Toya only clutched him tighter.
“I thought- I was worried that you..” Akito started, clenching his teeth as he trailed off, too afraid to finish his sentence.
“I wanted to” Toya admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.
His partner pulled away, looking at him with eyes wide with concern and soft anger fleeting within. “What are you talking about?” He asked, his hands gripping Toya’s shoulders tightly.
The taller looked down, unable to meet Akito’s eyes. “I…I thought I was going to die. But it was more peaceful then I could have ever imagined. Like I was at peace for the first time in my life. I want to be here, I want to be here with you- but it, it was nice”
Akito didn’t say anything, just grimaced before pulling his best friend back into a hug.
“I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have had those thoughts. I really did want to get back, I wanted to see you again, and An and Kohane. But it was so much and I couldn’t breathe, sometimes I couldn’t feel anything at all” Toya spoke softly, his head resting on Akito’s shoulder.
“I understand, it’s okay. But we’re going to talk about this more later” Akito stated, it wasn’t a question, and Toya could tell that there was no room for discussion.
“Did my parents come?” The taller asked suddenly, the tension he immediately sensed from Akito answered his question before the other could say anything.
“No” it was simple, but it hurt.
“Oh” Toya’s reply pulled at Akito’s heartstrings. He knew about Toya’s relationship with his parents, he knew how rocky it was, especially with his dad. But they couldn’t even come see their son while he was stuck in the hospital. When he almost died.
“They’re gonna be angry with me” The boy in Akito’s arms spoke again, trying to bury himself deeper into Akito’s embrace. “I don’t want to go home”
The shorter sighed, running his hands through the split coloured hair. “You’ll be stuck here for a few more days at the very least so relax, it’s gonna be okay.”
Toya nodded before closing his eyes. He could feel Akito’s breath hitch before he spoke again.
An admission softer than anything Toya had ever heard the boy speak before, it seemed unlike Akito in every way, but then again he always recognized that Akito was kinder to him then most.
“I love you”
Toya felt his chest flutter if only for a moment, pulling Akito closer, he wondered if his friend could hear how fast his heart was beating in that moment.
“I love you too”
He answered, before being pulled away from the hug, Akito’s eyes shone with wonder, a smile tugging at his lips. He leaned over, placing a kiss on the taller’s forehead, Toya’s cheeks alight with a soft red.
“Get some sleep, I’ll be right here, I promise”
Toya smiled and laid back, his heart rate slowing back to its normal pace.
“I love you Akito” he spoke again, wondering if what was admitted earlier was really true. It must be, Akito doesn’t do anything half-heartedly.
He heard the bright chuckle from the boy sitting beside him, his hand reaching over to smooth Toya’s hair out of his face.
“I know Toya, I love you too”
Toya watched Akito’s fond gaze as his own eyes slipped shut, barely registering a hand moving to hold his own.
Maybe he wasn’t supposed to survive that night, maybe his suffering was retribution for the music he walked away from. Maybe his parents would never show up.
But it didn’t matter, nothing in that moment mattered more than the warmth he felt bloom in his chest. It was then that he realised that the feeling he had felt in the moment, that now seemed so far away, wasn’t true.
Opening his eyes again briefly, he saw Akito’s eyes land on him, and he felt at peace.