Chapter Text
Pre-performance butterflies in her tummy, Jaana looked at herself in the mirror as she finished braiding her hair down the middle, leaving the rest of her long black hair covering her shoulders. She usually wasn’t this nervous for a show anymore, but this festival was the biggest one they’d ever played.
She did her make-up the same way she always did: foundation, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick – nothing heavy, yet outspoken. Melancholy struck as she got up to put on her outfit for the show for the last time, at least for now. Even though it was hardly anything special – a plain black top, black skater shirt, fishnet tights and her favourite pair of silver glitter Doc Martens – it had become her signature outfit throughout this tour, and she would miss putting it on each night.
The backstage area was nothing special, but that was to be expected for a relatively small band, still so new to the scene. Even though Lithium started ten years ago as a bunch of high school friends trying to put a new twist on symphonic rock, none of them ever expected to be playing Finland’s biggest rock festival. Through all sorts of ups and downs and life events – breakups, children, careers started and ended – they had never lost their passion for music, and the band decided to reunite three years ago to give things another shot. A record deal and a year of writing and recording followed, and tonight’s festival would conclude their first-ever European tour. It was small, sure, and they played just thirty minutes most nights, but their album was finally starting to pick up across Europe, and tonight’s festival hopefully wouldn’t be just the end of their tour, but also the beginning of a new phase for Lithium.
It was still early in the day – they arrived late last night, and spent the night in a nearby hotel before heading back to the venue for rehearsals that their manager had kindly arranged for them on the small stage. Only a couple of other bands were around yet, and certainly none of the big names would come and rehearse this early. They’d been messing around with the setlist, this being their first real tour and all, and Jaana really wanted to perfect it for tonight’s big show.
Jaana was Lithium’s primary songwriter – the guys contributed, of course, but the main themes and lyrics all came from her. It had taken some time getting used to exposing her heart on stage like that, but the audience took well to their music and Jaana’s confidence had grown over these past few months. Some nights, they would skip a certain song, especially the more emotional ballads that tended to feel too close to her heart. Tonight, she wanted to give it her all.
Sitting down on the worn out sofa, a cup of green tea with honey in hand, Jaana looked around the dressing room and suddenly realized she missed home. She was looking forward to being back home in her Helsinki apartment, to enjoy some well-deserved peace and quiet. Her cats surely missed her, and with her best friend Damian moving into the same building, she wouldn’t have to worry about being lonely.
The future of Lithium was a bit uncertain for now, not yet having scheduled recording sessions for the new album (or written most of the songs), but their record label was trying to secure them as support act on a major band’s European tour, and Jaana knew she could always go back to teaching if this didn’t work out. Not as exciting as being a rockstar, sure, but she’d always enjoyed it and the structured life that came with it. A part of her felt dread, though, at the thought of picking her old life back up again.
Altogether, the tour had taken no less than six months with the occasional breaks in-between shows. Being a new band in the scene means they shouldn’t be picky, and so they toured as supporting act with two bands and accepted all sorts of random festivals and gigs. It was fun, and some time away from home had been a welcome distraction for Jaana, her last relationship ending only a week before they left for their first show. Jaana had tried to put a positive spin on it, thinking she could at least enjoy being single while on the road, but the truth was it had been difficult.
Although she didn’t regret it – this relationship had been exceptionally hard on her, and she was happy she finally mustered up the courage to end it – she needed a lot of time to get to terms with her feelings and understand what happened. She hadn’t been in the mood to meet new people and so she spent most nights on the bus or in hotel rooms reading and writing new songs. The past few weeks, though, she could feel the heaviness of sorrow being lifted from her slowly, and found herself having fun for the sake of fun. Life had been so serious and heavy; but she suddenly felt lighter, meeting new people and simply enjoying herself. She hoped coming back to her old life in her apartment wouldn’t kill this vibe. But for now, they still have one show left, and she would give it her all.
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She walked up to Damian, Lithium’s guitar player, and kissed him on the cheek. “Jaana, look at you! You’re already dressed up.” She winked at him, saying “At least one of us is ready.”. Damian and she had known each other since childhood and had been inseparable for most of their lives. People often thought they were secretly a couple, but the truth was nothing had ever happened between them – if anything, they were more like brother and sister.
She looked at Damian questionably and said teasingly: “Is this what you’re wearing for our biggest show yet?” His long black hair falling loosely on his shoulders, black leather pants and a leather jacket revealing his tall skinny figure and tattooed chest. Although she never looked at him that way, she knew Damian was objectively attractive, yet he didn’t care much for his female fanbase. He liked to party, but like Jaana, he was a deep thinker, too, and meaningful connections were important to him.
Just as their discussion on preparations and outfits got heated, their bass player Brandon walked into the room. Usually dressed in the same baggy jeans and plain black tee, Brandon did not disappoint or surprise. His wavy, short brown hair tucked loosely underneath his baseball cap, he put down his beer as he grabbed the bass and tweaked the strings. “Sorry I’m late, guys. Was finishing up some important business with that girl from last night.” Jaana rolled her eyes as Damian snorted. Brandon’s behaviour was nothing new to them, but sometimes Jaana was amazed at how many girls fell for him. Must be that rockstar-charm.
She and Brandon had briefly dated a few years ago, but their conflicting personalities quickly put an end to their romance and there was nothing between them now, aside from the occasional – but never acted upon – flirty comment. “You’re not even the last one to arrive, don’t worry,” Jaana said. “Alex isn’t here yet.” Their drummer Alex was usually the timeliest one out of all of them, but Jaana hadn’t seen him around. He wasn’t a big party animal, not since him and his wife had their first child a year ago, but he was passionate about the band and their music. Being away from home wasn’t easy for him, though, and if more tours would come up, Jaana knew he might have to reconsider his commitment to the band.
Just as Jaana picked up the mic to start playing without him, Alex walked onto the rehearsal stage. “And thank you for showing up too, Alex.” she said, a playful tone in her voice. Walking up to his drumkit, Alex explained: “I ran into some guys backstage from HIM. They had a commercial event from their record label so they got here early too. I don’t remember their names, but there were two of them. They said they saw our show last week in Espoo, and really liked our music!”
Jaana smiled. Alex was always so passionate about the band, and would feel genuinely happy and excited whenever one of the established bands knew about them or recognized them. She felt her heart fluttering a bit at the mention of HIM – in the decade or so that HIM had been kicking things up in the Finnish metal scene, Jaana and her friends had become fans of their music, and seen them live a number of times. She tried not to pay attention to any more mention of HIM now though, wanting to focus on getting into her performance. She breathed in deep and waited for Alex to kick off the song.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
but now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
and you still have all of me
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
but though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along
She looked up, realizing her eyes had been closed throughout most of the song. This was a painfully personal one, written shortly after her breakup and not yet released on album. They wanted to try and play it tonight, to give the audience a teaser of what was to come. Her music having a commercial purpose was something Jaana struggled with at times, but that’s simply how the business worked, and she felt lucky to do this for a living. Nevertheless, this song took something out of her, and she couldn’t stop the tears falling from her eyes as she sang the last chorus.
Waiting for the band to finish up the song, she grabbed the mic: “Let’s not play this song tonight guys,” she said, laughing through her tears. As she sat down on one of the speakers, she felt Damian coming up behind her, gently rubbing her shoulders. Maybe playing this song wasn’t such a good idea after all. She wanted to cherish that feeling of joy that had finally come back to her, not soak in her own sorrow. Before she could even begin to make up her mind about the song, she looked across the stage into the empty venue, and her heart skipped a beat.
Was that..? She’d seen HIM live enough times to recognize their lead singer, although she couldn’t recall his name. A cigarette in hand, black beanie on his head covering up his dark curly hair, he was standing next to the exit and seemed to be staring at her intensely. Before she could sort out her thoughts, she heard Alex shout “Hi there!” from behind the drumkit. Laughing at his enthusiasm, the band greeted their sole audience member as he nodded and waved back while lurking on his cigarette.
Jaana adjusted her hair and noticed a familiar feeling, a type of butterflies that didn’t seem related to the show they would be playing soon. What was this feeling? Excitement, attraction? How long had he been standing there? She knew he was exceptionally handsome – everyone in the scene was aware of the predominantly female fanbase surrounding him – and she always enjoyed his stage presence, often accompanied by inappropriate comments from her girlfriends. Before she could make up her mind about what was going on inside of her, she heard the singer go “Sounds good guys! See you later!” before exiting through the door.