Work Text:
"Shinomi… can I talk to you for a bit?"
After a long day of training, Ren suddenly reached out and grabbed Natsuki's sleeve. Ren had just finished his shower, but his face still looked as though he had just run ten laps around the field.
"What's wrong, Ren?" Natsuki turned to look at Ren, his eyes widening in curiosity.
"I want to talk to you in private—just you." Ren looked away and slightly lowered his face. Despite how hazy his words sounded, Natsuki didn't question it, and he obediently responded. "Of course, give me a second. If you're okay, we can go to the rooftop. " He wasn't in a rush to leave anyway; they could return home together later.
"Sure" Ren replied and Natsuki flashed his usual smile, packing his bags before following Ren to the door.
Tonight the atmosphere is really comfortable because it's high up and the space is not too noisy with the sounds of pedestrians and excessive noise from passing cars. It's autumn, so there isn't much wind on the balcony on the 10th floor; it's just a little bit cooler than usual at this time of day. Natsuki put his hands in his pockets after briefly rubbing them together to stay warm. He cast a worried glance in Ren's way and noticed that his friend was donning a thin blazer over a long-sleeved T-shirt.
Ren is always like this. He should wear warmer clothing...
Ren sits in front of the outdoor bench, his hands placed on his thighs, slightly clenched. It's strange because he seems uncomfortable around him today. Natsuki has noticed a slight change in Ren, and that makes him nervous too.
"OK... What is troubling you, Ren? You've been losing focus all day, and I've noticed it. Natsuki spoke slowly while arranging his thoughts to avoid upsetting Ren. "If you start to feel exhausted, I will tell everyone and the manager that you need to rest for a few days. We have such a busy schedule. But you shouldn't neglect your own health either. The fans will be worried about you... and me as well." Natsuki frowned a little. Of course that he was worried. Ren is really one of his best friends, just like the other STARISH members. Moreover, despite Ren's best efforts to hide it, Natsuki has known Ren for a long enough time to notice that he has been acting strangely lately.
"I-It's not that, I'm fine..." Ren said hesitantly as if he was lost in thought and had forgotten what he was going to say. "What I'm going to talk about has nothing to do with work..." Ren continued as his hand's grip started to get a little tighter as he turned to look at Natsuki sitting down next to him. His throat became slightly dry all of a sudden. Am I really ready for this?
"Ren, just say it. I'm willing to listen to anything if it helps you feel better. " Natsuki smiled softly, his face filled with genuine concern.
Ren wasn't sure if the sudden wind gust or seeing Natsuki's worried eyes that made his heart clench a little. Ren inhaled deeply, turned away, and briefly shut his eyes before opening them and gazing up at the night sky filled with the flashing lights of the city signs.
"Listen Shinomi... If a friend has a crush on his best friend, what would you do?"
"… Well, I suppose it depends on the circumstances or the person you're considering. " After giving it some thought, Natsuki replied honestly to Ren, "I'm not sure either."
"Then, if it were me, what would you say? " Ren still didn't turn to face him, there was a slight tremble in his voice—while it was audible—still wasn't enough to attract Natsuki's attention. There is no turning back now.
"... with Masa" "With Shinomi" Ren cut Natsuki off before he could finish. Not Hijirikawa, of course. It was never Hijirikawa, nor anyone else in STARISH. Ren wanted to laugh and think this conversation was a joke, but he couldn't even fake a smile.
"…" Natsuki didn't answer, or he didn't know how to respond. Ren didn't dare turn around to see what his expression was like now.
There was some brief silence between them, only the distant sound of car horns from the crowded streets below. Ren raised his head slightly to look at the night sky, wishing he could see more stars. Unfortunately, in the city, the lights are too bright for one to appreciate the beauty of the night sky. Shinomi always says that he enjoys stargazing the most.
"I'm sorry Shinomi, I guess saying that out of the blue made you feel uncomfortable and confused. " Without waiting for a response, Ren wasn't ready to hear Natsuki's answer.
"I… I think I like you... more than just as a friend," continued Ren. "Maybe I was really falling for Shinomi... And um... haha, that's ridiculous... I've always tried to maintain my composure around you... I’ve been preparing for a long time for what I need to say right now. But again, It's surprising that I'm feeling really anxious like this, isn't it? It's not like me at all. "
Not the casually laid-back Ren everyone knows off. Didn't Natsuki think highly of him about that? How more mature he is compared to Natsuki who was actually slightly older? Irony isn't it... Ren feels so small and anxious when he has to be completely honest with his feelings and himself. Not to mention actually telling out a secret to the person he wanted to hide from the most.
Ren shrugged a laugh, but there was a hint of bitterness in it.
"But the truth is I don't think I can continue to be around you like this without saying anything.
Shinomi is always so sweet and... every time you do that, my heart skips a beat... Of course, it's not your fault! I think that's Shinomi's charm... Everything about Shinomi is captivating. Not just to me, of course. "
Ren clasped his hands together and frantically continued. Maybe he really forgot all the things he prepared in his head before talking to him.
"And... well, I know Shinomi is just as likable to everyone... It's just that I think too much of it...
...
I'm sorry I'm rambling on like this... Please listen to me patiently for a while, because if I suddenly stop, I'm not sure if I'll have the courage to face you. " Ren frowned, trying to swallow, but his throat remained dry.
He made an effort to contain the worry in his voice. "I think I've had a crush on Shinomi since we were in the academy. When the first time you turned to face me, but I didn't realize it because we were all chasing Haruka because of the songs she wrote. "
Since this was his only opportunity to express himself, Ren tried to delve deeply into his emotions.
"Remember the time we graduated and each of us made a turn at confessing our love? You and I both got rejected... I lied to you when I said the reason was that Haruka said I wasn't her type. The truth is that Haruka said she knew the person I really liked was someone else.
I think my heart aches every time we ask who Haruka would choose... It's not that I was worried she wouldn't choose me... I was worried that Haruka would choose you... and Shinomi would smile happily at her...
I've always felt so bad for having those thoughts... I should be happy for you if she chooses Shinomi... You're my friend, and I want you to be happy too. Shinomi deserves it...
I continue to keep it a secret. I've kept it a secret up until now because I'm afraid to admit it. " Ren's fingers were entwined. He keeps rambled on because he was afraid that if he stopped, he would turn away and run from this. He couldn't control his heart anymore. It throbbed with nervousness, sometimes tightening in the awkward silence between them.
"… Ren- I"
“I don't know how I can deal with it. I don't know which would be worse... Admit to falling in love with my best friend... or accept losing the friendship I've always wanted to keep. I was scared to face Shinomi...
Because every time I'm around you, my heart beats faster than usual, and every caring gesture of yours keeps me awake at night. I'm afraid if I stay near Shinomi and keep this feeling deep in my heart, I won't be able to bury it and forget it like I would like to. It just makes me realize I love you more every day.
And then my wildest dreams were just to be by Shinomi's side. "
At this point, Ren couldn't think through the words that came out of his mouth. His throat constricted, his heart heaving, Ren lowered his head and shut his eyes, thinking that if he did, his emotions wouldn't spill out of the corner of his eye.
"Even though I dreaded the day I couldn't keep the secret I buried in my heart and confessed it to you,...
I don't want to say this to make Shinomi hate me and stay away from me... But... I wanted to say it because I just think I needed to. Because if I spend another day to see your smile again, my heart will burst from holding back.
I don't want you to disappear from my life, Shinomi... You are important to me, even as a friend. I don't want to hide it in my heart anymore... Don't want to lie to myself... don't want to lie to you... "
Ren suddenly put his hand over his face. He didn't want to look this pathetic in front of Natsuki.
"Listen to me, Ren..." "Shinomi, please don't answer... No matter what, I don't think my heart is prepared to hear your response. It would be nice if Shinomi completely forgot about it and our relationship returned to normal. Anyway, I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to say it...
Maybe by letting it out, I'll feel a lot better..."
No matter how hard he tried to hold back the tears, Ren was incapable of stopping them after a while. Even though Ren's hands were tightly clasped together, tears still flowed through the corner of his eyes, unable to cover up his current emotions.
And all of a sudden, Natsuki wrapped his arms around him. He furrowed his brows and reached up to hug Ren's orange hair, who was leaning on his shoulder, one hand patting Ren's trembling shoulder. Natsuki remained silent. He didn't want Ren to feel overwhelmed if he respond right away. He just hugged him, hoping that Ren would feel better and ...maybe he can hear his heart throbbing a little.
Natsuki closed his eyes, his head resting lightly on Ren. He will wait for Ren to be ready to hear his answer...
