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“Did you want any champagne, sweetie?” Kali asked, leaning around the corner from the kitchen.
Blake sat on the couch with a pillow over her lap as she rested her book on it while she read. “Hmm?” she hummed, looking up from the pages. It took her a second to process what her mom asked. “Oh, uhh, no thanks. I guess it is getting close to midnight, isn’t it?” She glanced rather nervously at the clock on the wall showing ten minutes to midnight before turning back to her book. Or… she tried to. Anticipation of what was to come made her feel on edge. Memories of the previous year’s New Year’s celebrations didn’t leave Blake very confident about how she’d fare this year.
Ever since what happened with- Blake stopped that line of thinking. She didn’t want to fall back into those memories, especially with how soon the fireworks would be starting. The sudden loud noises would be bad enough.
Unable to focus, she slipped her bookmark into the book and closed it, setting it aside. Her ears must have been flattened atop her head because when her mom came back in the room carrying a champagne flute half-filled with champagne, she gave pause.
“You alright?”
Blake tensed and nodded as she looked up at her mother. “I’ll be okay.”
With a skeptical look, Kali set the glass down on the coffee table and took a seat next to her daughter. “You don’t have to stay up with me out here if you’d rather be in your room.”
Her room. By herself. That wasn’t what she wanted, either. Anxiety swelled in her chest as time slowly ticked by. Nine minutes to midnight. “No. I want- I’d rather be out here,” Blake stammered out. “I’ll be okay. Really.” She forced a smile, but it clearly wasn’t very convincing the way her mom looked at her.
Kali sighed and smiled before she reached a hand over to rub Blake’s shoulder. “Your dad really wanted to be here, you know.”
“Yeah, I- I know. I’m just anxious.”
“I may not be dad, but I won’t let anything get you either,” Kali spoke softly and leaned in to press her forehead to Blake’s shoulder before sitting back up. “Curtains are closed, we’ll turn the TV up, and we can be safe here.”
Blake could tell her mom was trying. It’s true she felt safer around her dad, she always had since she was little. It was hard NOT to feel safe being near him since he was so… Big wasn’t the right word, but it’s all that came to mind. Sitting next to him felt like sitting beneath a strong oak tree to keep dry from the rain. Just… an oak tree that would absolutely fight someone to keep her safe. Maybe the tree metaphor didn’t work on a deeper level, but Blake didn’t care. Her mom, on the other hand, felt protective in a very different way. Less majestic in her strength, but that didn’t matter since she made up for it with ferocity and love. And she couldn’t say she didn’t feel a lot safer anticipating the explosions with her mom next to her compared to being by herself.
“Thanks, mom,” Blake smiled more genuinely and leaned to rest her head on her mom’s shoulder. She felt an arm wrap around her shoulders and pull her a bit closer. She glanced at the clock again. Seven minutes to midnight. The waiting for the night to be over with twisted her stomach.
Her mom gently nudged her to sit up. “I just remembered, I’ve got something for you. Now, don’t laugh.” Kali leaned over to grab the shoulder bag she used for a purse and dug through it.
Unsure what to expect, Blake watched and tried to peek inside her mom’s bag, but that didn’t give her any clues. It was the ‘don’t laugh’ comment that left her mildly confused as to what this could be. Another glance at the clock told her six minutes to midnight.
With a triumphant smile, her mom pulled out what looked like… a headband? A hood? What… what was that?
“You put it on and it’s meant to cover your ears, like for swimming. But, it’ll help muffle the sounds.”
Blake opened her mouth to say something but got cut off.
“It’s not earplugs. Nothing actually goes in your ear. I remember how much you don’t like anything going in there, believe me. Anyone who tried cleaning your ears when you were little would remember.”
With a soft pout, Blake’s ears twitched atop her head.
“The material is all soft, too. Feel,” Kali added while handing the headband-like thing to her. “A woman I work with makes them for all the moms with fussy little ones who don’t like their ears messed with. Is the pattern okay? I wasn’t sure what to go with, so I figured black and purple would be alright since you like to wear those colors a lot.”
“Moooom,” Blake sighed with embarrassment, though the gesture was really sweet she had to admit. The band did feel soft, and mildly stretchy. And, looking at it more, it could also be used as a regular headband if she folded it over. A thick headband, but still. Realizing she hadn’t said anything for a moment, she looked up to see the warmth on her mom’s face. “Thank you.”
Putting the band on took a moment of figuring out and readjusting her hair before she finally got it. It fit snugly over her ears while they lay flat against her head. Admittedly, it would get uncomfortable if she wore it for a long time, but so would anything messing with her ears. Blake felt over the band and where her ears were to readjust slightly.
“Does it feel alright? It’s not too tight, is it?”
As expected, the thick material combined with her ears being flattened did muffle sounds quite a bit. She shook her head and got a grin from her mom in return.
“How do things sound? Any softer?”
Blake nodded. “This should help a lot, thank y-“
A loud bang cut her off, making her jump and wince.
BOOM! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! SCREEEEECH! BOOM! Fireworks exploded outside as neighbors began celebrating early.
Without hesitation, Blake scooted to her mom and held onto her. The headband made things sound dulled, but it was still loud. Even in the middle of the house, it sounded like they were right outside which made her whimper and clung tighter. Arms wrapped around her and she felt a hand cover where her ears were to quiet more of the sounds.
A small break in the sounds and Blake shakily sat up.
Kali leaned in to speak softly. “Want to hide in my closet? It’ll be like old times.”
Old times. Memories of being little and sneaking into her mom’s walk-in closet during storms, or when she would feel overwhelmed, scared, or simply wanted to hide came back to her. She nodded and got up from the couch, followed by her mom who held her hand the whole way into her room. As they passed through the hall, more fireworks echoed outside and Blake squeezed her mom’s hand tighter.
Kali opened the door to the closet and flipped the light switch inside to turn on the single bulb inset in the ceiling.
Blake shuffled inside quickly and found her usual comfy spot at the back of the closet, sitting beneath a rack of clothes with her back to the wall. Her mom closed the door behind her as she entered and moved to sit next to her. The fireworks were still loud as the closet shared a wall with the outside of the building, but with all of the hanging clothes, all sounds were muffled. She took a number of deep breaths to calm herself and push the memories she didn’t want to come back out of her mind, but a particularly loud explosion made her whimper and curl in on herself.
“Come here,” Kali cooed and shifted her sitting position to pull Blake onto her lap. “I’ve got you. You’re safe with mommy.”
With a soft whimper, Blake leaned into the embrace. It had been years since she had her mom soothe her like this.
“Theeere you go,” Kali continued and rubbed a hand up and down Blake’s back. “Just listen to my voice and relax. Nothing can hurt you here.” She started to hum a simple tune.
It was one Blake knew well. The song was one her mom would sing to her to calm her down when she was feeling overwhelmed when she was little.
“Oh, hush thee, my baby, the night is behind us.”
Blake rested her head on her mom’s shoulder with her eyes squeezed shut as a staccato of firecrackers went off.
“And black are the waters that sparkled so green,” Kali continued. “The moon over the combers looks downward to find us.” She began to run her fingers through Blake’s hair in time with the tune. “At rest in the hollows that rustle between.”
Listening to her mom’s voice and having her hair played with gave her something to focus on and Blake took slow breaths to relax.
“Where billow meets billow, there soft be thy pillow; ah weary wee flipperling, curl at thy ease.” Kali continued and guided Blake’s head to against her neck. Soft purrs rumbled in her chest as she held her. “The storm shall not wake thee, nor shark overtake thee, asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas.”
Her mom’s purrs put her more at ease and Blake let out weak purrs of her own.
“That’s it. Mommy’s got you,” Kali cooed and purred louder.
Between her hair being played with and the calming feeling of her mom’s purring, Blake felt some of the tension leaving. She missed feeling close like that with her mom, but she hated, hated, hated the circumstances that let her feel that closeness. It had only been a couple of minutes and midnight was coming and moment, and there would be so much more noise. It would all be so loud, and so many explosions, and the echoes sounding like gunshots, and- And she must have tensed up again because her mom started humming the tune once more. The purrs rumbling in her mom’s chest continued and even started to take on the tune of the song as the humming continued, even if only slightly. Or perhaps she simply heard the tune in it since she was focusing on the tune again. Either way, it was a reminder that things would be okay. She was safe.
Not a moment later, a series of loud explosions went off, one after another after another after another, all overlapping and blending into one stream of percussive noise that shook Blake and left her whimpering on her mom’s lap like she was a small child again.
“Oh hush thee, my baby, the night is behind us,” Kali began to sing again while holding Blake tighter. “And black are the waters that sparkled so green. The moon over the combers looks downward to find us. At rest in the hollows that rustle between.”
Just focus on mom, just focus on mom, Blake kept repeating to herself in her head. Beneath the headband she wore, her ears twitched and tried to lay even flatter against her head despite being compressed.
“Where billow meets billow, there soft be thy pillow.”
Blake hid her face against her mom’s neck. She was safe. She was safe. Her mom would keep her safe. Mommy was safe.
“Ah weary wee flipperling, curl at thy ease. The storm shall not wake thee, nor shark overtake thee, asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas.” Kali ended the verses again and continued the melody humming again.
It felt like hours how long the two of them sat in the closet together before the fireworks died down. Waiting between fireworks explosions and firecracker pops felt agonizing because every time Blake would begin to fully relax, another loud sound would cut right through and make her tense up again. But it had been five runs through of the lullaby in her mind without an outside sound other than her mommy’s humming, so she should be okay.
Lifting her head from her mommy’s shoulder, Blake took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Kali smiled at Blake warmly and leaned in to place a soft kiss on her forehead. “Feeling any better, sweetie?”
Blake hesitated before nodding. “Thank you, mommy-“ She froze as she realized what she just said. A flush crossed her cheeks and she tried to look away. She heard a soft chuckle from her mom and her blush deepened.
“Is my baby girl feeling embarrassed? It’s okay,” Kali softly reassured. “You can keep calling me mommy if you want.”
With a quiet pout, Blake finally turned back to face her mom. Being called ‘baby girl’ for the first time felt exciting and confusing. Gender affirming. Was that gender euphoria? Was… was she smiling? Was she blushing? “Thank you, mommy,” she mumbled, feeling embarrassed but this time with butterflies in her stomach.
“Of course, baby girl.” Kali placed a soft kiss on Blake’s cheek just to fluster her even more. “Happy new year, by the way,” she whispered and pressed her forehead against Blake’s.
“Happy new year,” Blake replied, her cheeks feeling overly hot from the attention. She curled to hide her face against her mommy’s neck once more.
“Such a cutie,” Kali whispered and stroked Blake’s hair as they waited out the occasional straggler firework.