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Chu Wanning was having the worst kind of day. A day where fate thought: ‘Oh, you know what would entertain me today? Fucking over Chu Wanning,” and then did exactly that.
Foolishly, she had decided to wear the new shoes she bought a week ago. After ten minutes of standing on the bus to the office, it became clear that they did not, in fact, fit as well as they had seemed to in the store.
Then, she got a call from an important client who had responded to her perfectly reasonable explanations with outraged yelling until someone took the phone away from her to do some damage control. Just when she had been about to take her lunch break, her senior appeared from around the corner, threw her a folder and asked her to take care of this little matter as quickly as possible. The ‘little matter’ took several hours, after which Chu Wanning had to hurry to get her actual work done.
And, as if all that wasn't already enough, when she got home, she was greeted by several harried men in overalls and rubber boots who told her that a pipe in the wall had broken and now her flat was flooded with sewage. Now, Chu Wanning had been completely prepared to ignore the stinking water, her ruined belongings and the men walking around her flat and pass out on one of the few dry surfaces anyway. However, one of the men very earnestly told her that she couldn’t enter her own home and should better search for another place to spend the night until the problem was taken care of.
Alright, Chu Wanning had thought, trying to find some last energy reserves. She would just book a hotel room. No problem. Then she looked through her purse and realised that she had forgotten her wallet at the office.
All of those things lead to Chu Wanning sitting against the wall of her apartment complex’s hallway, her hands rubbing over her forehead as she desperately tried not to cry. Her stomach rumbled and she remembered that she hadn’t eaten anything all day. Her feet hurt so she kicked off her shoes.
She didn’t know what to do.
She didn’t have any family she could spend the night with, nor any friends. Well, she thought and fished her phone out of her bag, she did have a friend-adjacent person. Everything in her bristled at the thought of asking Xue Zhengyong for help but… he was her only option if she didn’t want to sleep on the streets.
Chu Wanning dialled his number before she could chicken out. When it started ringing, she tilted her head up and stared at the grimy ceiling. Maybe she wouldn’t call Xue Zhengyong a friend, but the man had always been kind to her when they met. It wasn’t completely unlikely that he would let Chu Wanning sleep on his couch.
Then, Xue Zhengyong answered the phone and she regretted calling him immediately. There were loud voices and music in the background and his jolly, slurred “This is Xue Zhengyong! How can I help you?” made it clear that he was very drunk.
He was throwing a party.
Chu Wanning thought about just hanging up for a moment. She had called the Xue’s landline, no one would ever know that it had been her calling. Then she threw a glance at the dark sky outside and decided to chance it.
“Yes, Hello,” she awkwardly said, “this is Chu Wanning.”
“Yuheng!” Xue Zhengyong cried jovially. “What can I help you with, my friend?”
Chu Wanning winced. She could hear a faint voice in the background calling “Chu Laoshi? Is that-” Xue Meng.
“Ah, yes.” She cleared her throat. “Listen, my apartment is flooded and I need a place to sleep.”
He made a regretful sound and her stomach dropped. “Ah, Yuheng, that’s unfortunate. We’re having a family get-together, you see? My Chuqing’s sister and her family are visiting…”
Chu Wanning just wanted to end this phone call now. “It’s alright,” she quickly said, “I’ll find something else.”
“Now, now, not so fast, Yuheng!” Xue Zhengyong interrupted her, so loudly she had to hold the phone away from her ear. “I’m sure we’ll find something else for you.”
She heard him walk closer to the people talking in the background. “Is this Cu Laoshi?” Xue Meng said again and the other voices grew a bit quieter.
“It is!” Xue Zhengyong said. “Our dear Yuheng has a problem. Her apartment is flooded and she needs a place to stay. Mo Ran, can’t you offer her your spare room for the night?”
Oh god, not Mo Ran. Chu Wanning should have never called Xue Zhengyong. This had been a huge mistake.
Over the resultant noise, she couldn’t hear Mo Ran’s answer but it was clear enough what it had been when Xue Zhengyong made a triumphant little noise. “See, Yuheng? I told you we’d find you a bed! I’ll give Mo Ran your number so she can send you her address. She’s going to leave for home in a minute.” There was a moment of silence and then: “She told me to ask you if you need her to get you?”
Chu Wanning thumped her forehead against her knees. “No, that’s okay. I’ll make my way there.”
She got on the next bus as soon as Mo Ran sent her the address. A second later, another message popped up: 'Looking forward to seeing you, Chu Laoshi^^'
The bus was not as full this time of day so she found a seat at the back and inconspicuously toed her shoes halfway off her feet. The dingy houses of the neighbourhood passed by, warm light spilling out of the windows as people came home from work and ate dinner with their families.
She rested her head against the smudgy bus window and closed her eyes for a moment.
Mo Ran was a former student of hers, back when Chu Wanning still gave engineering lessons at the local university.
And Chu Wanning was embarrassingly, pathetically stupid about her.
It was just, when Mo Ran first joined her class, she had been so… wonderful. She always sat in the first row, attentively listening to everything Chu Wanning said, hanging off her every word with a focus that had made her a bit nervous at first. Then, she started staying after class, first to ask questions about the material, and later to simply chat. Chu Wanning wasn’t used to students staying behind to ask questions. She was too cold, too abrupt, and most students were glad to escape her attention as quickly as possible.
Even with Mo Ran, it had taken some time until she was able to relax. At first, her awkwardness made her snap out short answers and quickly flee from her student's warm grin. But Mo Ran kept trying, seemingly unbothered by her harsh behaviour. And, over time, she lost enough of her awkwardness to stay put for longer conversations.
A few times, Mo Ran even brought her some of her cooking, cute little meals tucked into lunch boxes, and they ate together in her office.
Like the lonely idiot she was, Chu Wanning had fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. She started to live for those little meetings, for her student’s warm regard, for her single-minded attention. No matter that Mo Ran was seven years younger than her, that she was warm and friendly where Chu Wanning was cold and closed-off, that she was cool in a way Chu Wanning had never managed to be.
She should have seen it coming when Mo Ran finally lost interest halfway through the semester and stopped paying her attention. Chu Wanning had seen it coming, had been afraid of it from the moment she started to like Mo Ran.
She was still disappointed.
It was ridiculous. At best, Mo Ran saw her as a teacher to be respected. At best, she appreciated Chu Wanning’s knowledge and skill in her field. That was all she could hope for.
Of course, Chu Wanning was not a rational person. She was a pathetic thing, latching on to the first attractive person who managed to overlook her complete lack of social skills and the sharp words she used to hide it.
It wasn’t like she never saw Mo Ran again, even after their professional relationship ended. Their paths crossed often enough, not least because Xue Zhengyong, a professor at the same university and Chu Wanning’s maybe-friend, was Mo Ran’s uncle and adoptive father. Her former student was always friendly and polite, every time they met. But Chu Wanning wished, and Chu Wanning hoped, and every time she saw Mo Ran, it felt like a little stab in her chest, no matter how often she told herself she was being irrational.
And now Mo Ran had offered to take her in for the night.
She would have preferred sleeping on the streets. The thought of Mo Ran having to do this, just because Chu Wanning didn’t have her life under control, of showing up at her place with bags under her eyes, unwashed hair and exhaustion lining her face… But she was being ridiculous again. What did Mo Ran care about how she looked? Chu Wanning was her old teacher, Mo Ran was probably as attracted to her as to a textbook. Mo Ran didn’t care, Chu Wanning wouldn’t care, it would all be fine.
Repeating that mantra in her head, she slipped back into her shoes and got off the bus.
Fortunately for her hurting feet, the walk to Mo Ran’s apartment wasn’t long. Sooner than she wanted to, she was standing in front of the entrance door to a nice-looking building and rang the bell of apartment number 302.
Mo Ran was doing well for herself, Chu Wanning thought as the door buzzed and she entered the building. There was even an elevator.
When the doors of the elevator opened on the third floor, Mo Ran was already standing in the doorway. “Chu Laoshi,” she said, a smile colouring her deep voice. “It’s good to see you, please come in!”
Mo Ran was only wearing shorts and a tank top, leaving her muscular arms very bare, accentuated even more by the way she was leaning against the doorframe. She quickly ripped her eyes away from her former student’s biceps and walked past Mo Ran into the apartment with a curt “Thank you.”
The apartment was airy, clean and a lot tidier than Chu Wanning’s own home. The smell of cooking came from the kitchen.
“I’m making dinner, I hope Chu Laoshi doesn’t mind green curry?” She threw a sly glance over her shoulder as she walked into the kitchen. “It’s very mild.”
“That’s alright,” Chu Wanning said quietly and put her shoes on the rack next to the other ones already there. The wooden floor was warm under her bare feet as she followed Mo Ran into the kitchen.
The other woman was standing at the stove, stirring the curry in practised movements and checking on the rice. She gave Chu Wanning a once-over, pausing on her blistered feet. Her eyes grew wide and she quickly laid the spoon aside to hurry over. “Chu Laoshi, what the hell did you do to your poor feet?”
Chu Wanning shuffled a little. “It’s not that bad,” she murmured hoarsely.
Mo Ran threw her a horrified glance. “Sit down,” she waved to the kitchen chair. “I think I still have some ointment and band-aids somewhere.”
“That’s really not necessary-” Chu Wanning tried to say, but Mo Ran had already vanished into another room. After a second, she sat down on the chair and stared at the curry bubbling away on the stove.
Mo Ran quickly returned and knelt down in front of her before Chu Wanning could stop her. "Now, that'll probably hurt a bit," she said and gently closed her warm hand around the arch of Chu Wanning's foot to prop it up on her bent knee.
"I'm not that fragile," she said but fell silent when Mo Ran started to apply the ointment on her bruises with deft hands.
There were a few seconds of quiet between them while Mo Ran treated her feet. Then, she laughed in a kind of belated reaction. "Chu Laoshi is always so harsh to herself. Never allowing herself to be vulnerable." Mo Ran looked up at her with dark eyes, kneeling between her legs and her hand tight around her foot.
Chu Wanning's breath caught.
"I'm not." When Mo Ran's expression didn't change from its hot-gentle fondness, she repeated: "I'm not that harsh to myself."
She remembered how she had sat in that hallway outside her flooded apartment, breaking down and almost crying where anyone could have come by and seen her. How melodramatic. Chu Wanning clearly wasn't harsh enough.
As though she could hear her thoughts, Mo Ran sighed exasperatedly and took the band-aids out of their packaging to carefully place them over her bruises. Then, it was the other foot's turn and they sat in silence for a few minutes while Mo Ran tended to it.
Chu Wanning tugged her foot out of her grip when it became clear that she was by now just amusing herself by bandaging every individual toe, bruised or not. "Thank you."
With a careless wave of her hand, Mo Ran got up. "Let's eat, then!"
The curry and rice were arranged in bowls and placed on the table. Chu Wanning poured them both wine while Mo Ran fiddled with an old-looking stereo until jazzy music started to fill the apartment. It was a mockery of a romantic dinner. Throughout, Chu Wanning had to continuously remind herself that Mo Ran didn’t have feelings for her, no matter how romantic the music sounded or how easily the conversation flowed.
Or how much of Mo Ran’s boobs she could see, in fact.
Seriously, the low-cut tank top she was wearing was indecent. Chu Wanning’s eyes kept sliding down to where her nipples showed through the thin fabric. Couldn’t Mo Ran have put on a bra, at least? Still, she managed to keep up an amiable enough conversation about Mo Ran’s new job and the family get-together at Xue Zhengyong’s place and, before she knew it, the food was eaten and the wine was drunk.
Mo Ran stretched with a satisfied groan and got up to place the dishes in the sink. Chu Wanning hurriedly followed her. “I can help wash them.”
But Mo Ran waved her off. “Don’t worry about it, I can do that tomorrow. Come, I’ll show you to your room.”
The guest room was surprisingly spacious. Mo Ran left for a minute and came back with some pyjamas for her before softly wishing her a good night.
It turned out that Chu Wanning was a lot more tired than she had thought. She didn't even manage to put on the sleepwear before crawling underneath the blankets and falling into a deep sleep.
She woke up in the middle of the night. The room was only illuminated by the faint street lights shining through the windows, vague outlines all she could see. All that wine was making itself known. She had to go to the bathroom.
Chu Wanning swung her legs over the edge of the bed and blindly felt her way to the door, the sleep turning her vision fuzzy.
The main room was even dimmer and it was only through sheer luck that she didn’t stumble over anything as she made her way to the bathroom door. She pressed down on the handle, already tilting forwards to go inside when she stopped short.
The door didn’t budge.
Was the bathroom locked? She squinted down at the slit on the bottom of the door, but there was no light coming out of the room. Maybe the door was stuck? She pushed the handle down again and pushed her body against the wood. Still didn’t budge.
Damn it. She really had to go, though. There was nothing for it; she threw herself against the door again, and again, and then the door opened with a creak. With a hasty fumble, she felt along the wall for the light switch and turned on the light. Chu Wanning blinked, momentarily blinded before her eyes grew used to the brightness. It was only then that she realised the truth.
This wasn’t the bathroom.
Instead, she was standing just inside what had likely originally been a storeroom. A desk with a laptop on top and a comfortable-looking chair were set up in the middle of the small space.
The walls were covered in photographs.
For a moment, Chu Wanning thought she had accidentally stumbled upon Mo Ran’s study and was already about to close the door and apologise to Mo Ran in the morning when one of the pictures caught her attention.
Wasn't that… a picture of her?
Curious, Chu Wanning stepped into the room to take a closer look. And really, it was her in the photo, standing in front of the mechanics' department of the university she had graduated from, holding her diploma up with a stilted attempt at a smile. She frowned. How had Mo Ran gotten this picture? It had been in an article in the newspaper showcasing her as valedictorian but she hadn’t given the photo to anyone. Chu Wanning didn't even have it herself.
In an attempt to make sense of its presence here, she looked around at the other photos hanging on the walls.
Slowly, a chill crept down her spine. They were all of her. Every single photo was of her. And they weren’t just headshots like the one she saw first. Some were close-ups of specific body parts; blurry shots of her hands, neck, or legs. There was one of her in a crowd, where she only recognised herself by her long hair falling down her back. Another one where she was standing in a line inside a café, one hand rubbing over her face tiredly. Even some grainy pictures of her as a pimply, awkward teenager winning at science fairs or math competitions, obviously cut from newspapers.
And, in between, printed-out copies of her research papers, articles she had written and screenshots of her sparse chat history with Mo Ran, back from when she had been Chu Wanning’s student.
‘Hello laoshi,’ Mo Ran had written back then. ‘The train will be 10 minutes late, so I don’t know if I’ll make it to the consultation hours on time. Can I get you a coffee to make up for it?;)’
‘That’s not necessary,’ Chu Wanning had written back. She still remembered it because of how she had grimaced at her own snappish answer and softened it with: ‘But thank you for asking.’ On the print-out, the ‘But thank you for asking.’ had been circled and decorated with little red hearts.
Chu Wanning was too confused and apprehensive to feel flustered about it. What was all this? Where had Mo Ran gotten… Or no, maybe the better question would be, why had Mo Ran all these pictures of-
“I can explain.”
Slowly, she turned around.
Mo Ran was standing in the doorway with wide eyes and grasping the door handle so tightly that her knuckles were as pale as bone.
Chu Wanning looked at Mo Ran and waited for an explanation. Despite everything, she felt strangely calm. Shock, a tiny, rational voice whispered in her mind. You’ll be reacting to all of this soon enough.
“Laoshi,” Mo Ran started and Chu Wanning acutely felt the irony of being addressed like that right now. “Please come out of here.” She held the door open widely as if to entice her to leave the room quicker.
Chu Wanning didn’t move. “Mo Ran.” Her voice was strangely hoarse. “What is this?”
The other woman’s face twisted harshly and she took another look around the room as if she only now noticed how bad it looked. “Chu Laoshi… Wanning. Please just come with me and I will tell you everything.”
“No.” Oh, and there was her teacher voice. “No, you will explain it to me right here and now.”
Mo Ran wavered for another moment but it was obvious that she was helpless against Chu Wanning’s authoritative tone. After a few seconds, she broke and it came rushing out of her: “It wasn’t that bad at first! I was just keeping a few photos, I do the same for Xue Meng and Uncle and Auntie!” She fell silent, obviously unsure how to continue.
Chu Wanning decided to help her out. “Mo Ran,” she said again and pointed at the walls. “These aren’t just a few photos of me. These are pictures I wasn’t even aware were being taken! These are pictures of my... my hands and…” She broke off and abruptly flushed. How were you supposed to say: these are suggestive pictures of my legs and wrists and hair and…
But she couldn’t say it. How could she when it implied that Mo Ran found her attractive? The idea of Mo Ran laughing at her for thinking that she had taken these photos for… for sexual reasons, because she found Chu Wanning beautiful… it was too much.
But Mo Ran only looked as if her world was falling apart in front of her.
“Mo Ran,” Chu Wanning said again, quieter, and the other woman crumbled. She covered her eyes with a hand and her whole upper body curved slightly forwards.
“You were never supposed to know,” she murmured, her eyes still covered. “That’s what I told myself: Wanning will never know. And what you don’t know, won’t harm you, right? Fuck, Wanning. I don’t know what to say. I don’t have an excuse. I took pictures of you when you weren’t looking. It was the biggest thrill I’ve ever felt. It felt like I could finally have a part of you, no matter how secret. And then I just… couldn’t stop. I knew it was wrong but I searched for everything I could find out about you.”
Her hand fell from her face but her eyes remained closed. Mo Ran let herself fall against the doorframe and laughed bitterly. “I suppose there’s nothing more to lose, so you might as well know.” Despite her words, she didn’t say anything else.
Eventually, Chu Wanning pressed her further. “I still don’t understand. Why were you doing all this?”
The look Mo Ran levelled her with was frankly a little insulting. “Isn’t that obvious,” she said. “I’m fucking obsessed with you. I can’t think about anyone, anything else. It’s eating me up, the fucking obsession. I feel like I die if I don’t get at least one glimpse of you every week. You don’t want to know how much time I spend in this room, staring at the same pictures again and again, feeling like I’m burning up.”
She blindly stumbled a few steps forward but, when Chu Wanning flinched back, she came to a sudden halt. They stared at one another for a long moment, before Chu Wanning whispered: “I still don’t understand.”
The laugh Mo Ran let loose at that was high, almost hysterical. “Are you fucking kidding me? How can you still not understand?”
Seeing Chu Wanning’s wide-eyed expression, she suddenly yelled: “I’m getting off to you here, alright? I sit here every fucking day, sometimes several times a day and get off like a goddamn pervert, is that what you wanted to hear? I’m staring at the pictures, imagining I’m fucking you. I have so many fantasies I could write a fucking book. I want to bend you over, eat you out, fuck you, tie you up and make you beg, what do you not understand about that?”
It suddenly felt like there wasn’t any air left in the room. Chu Wanning gasped, desperately trying to breathe. It didn’t work and the panic must have been showing on her face because Mo Ran suddenly looked a bit panicked herself.
She lifted her hands placatingly and started to come closer. “Wanning, wait-”
“I need to pee!”
Mo Ran came to an abrupt halt. “What?” she asked, her brows furrowed in confusion, but Chu Wanning was already making her way past her. She stumbled out into the hallway, half-blind and looked around for the bathroom.
It was right there, an innocuous little door right next to the room she had just stumbled out of, and she hurried over and locked it behind her as soon as she was inside.
When she was done, Chu Wanning washed her hands and looked at herself in the mirror. The fluorescent lights certainly didn’t flatter her face but even in a better light, Chu Wanning didn’t understand how she could have become the object of someone’s obsession like this.
Then again, she thought and sat down on the tiled floor with her back to the door, you didn’t exactly have to be beautiful for someone to grow obsessed with you.
Mo Ran said that she fantasised about… having sex with her. Chu Wanning buried her burning face in her knees.
Beautiful or not, Mo Ran seemed to want her. Desire her, even. Maybe she didn’t love her, but wasn’t desire something, at least? More than Chu Wanning had ever dared to hope for, certainly. Even if she couldn’t have Mo Ran’s love, why shouldn’t she at least take what was offered? Did she really have enough pride left to refuse?
A knock on the door made her jolt forwards.
“Wanning?” Mo Ran’s hesitant voice came through the door. “Are you okay?”
She didn’t say anything. Maybe it was that she felt frozen, unable to move her mouth enough to speak. Or maybe it was that she was feeling petty. Mo Ran had given her such a shock, now it was her turn to be unsure, for once.
“Listen,” Mo Ran said then, “if… if you want to call the police and… get a restraining order against me or something, you can do it. I won’t do anything! But if you don’t,” she quickly added, “I promise… I promise I will keep my distance.”
Chu Wanning tightened her hold on her knees. What kind of ridiculous things was she saying?
“I just don’t want you to be afraid of me,” Mo Ran said, so quietly that Chu Wanning almost didn’t hear it. “I never wanted that.”
That was enough, she decided and stood up. When she looked into the mirror, it reflected red-rimmed eyes and mussed hair back at her. Chu Wanning splashed water on her face and finger-combed her hair back into submission.
“Wanning?” Mo Ran’s anxious voice came from behind the door. “At least say something. Tell me to go or- Just tell me you’re alright.”
Chu Wanning felt feverish. Without thinking about it, she unbuttoned her blouse until her breasts and belly were exposed and the simple T-shirt bra was the only thing covering her up. She now wished she had worn the one lacy bra she owned today instead, but it was too late to regret it.
After another, more frantic knock on the door, she took a deep breath and walked over. Mo Ran almost fell into the bathroom when she ripped the door open. Chu Wanning got a glimpse of her panicked expression as she stumbled forward. Then, Mo Ran caught herself against the doorframe, only a handbreadth away from her.
“Wanning, I-” She broke off when she looked up and her eyes fell on Chu Wanning’s breasts. For a moment, she stared uncomprehendingly. Then, her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.
“...Aaah?”
Chu Wanning felt her face grow hot. Still, she was determined to see her plan through, so she grabbed one of Mo Ran’s hands and brought it up to her chest. Mo Ran’s fingers closed around the bra cup on their own.
“Aaahh?” Mo Ran said again, but a lot higher. She sounded a bit like a deflating balloon like this.
“You can look at me,” Chu Wanning said and Mo Ran’s surprised gaze flitted up to meet her own, determined stare. “It’s alright.” Slowly, she let go of Mo Ran’s hand and was satisfied when it stayed on her bra, lightly squeezing her breast. Her own hands now free, Chu Wanning slipped the blouse off her shoulders.
It fell to the floor and Mo Ran made a choked sound. A second after, Chu Wanning followed the blouse to the floor, her knees hitting the ground with a dull thump. Mo Ran’s hand hovered awkwardly in the air for a moment before it fell to her side.
“Wanning, what are you doing?” she whispered.
Chu Wanning shook her head and put her hands on Mo Ran’s strong, bare thighs. To think, just a few hours ago, she had stolen guilty little glances at all the skin the shorts and tank top revealed.
Now she was touching.
A giddy feeling spread through her body and she became excited. Still, she wasn’t quite brave enough to pull the shorts down so instead, she shuffled forwards and started to press quick, shy kisses to Mo Ran’s thighs, her nose slipping underneath the hem of the shorts. Under her hands and lips, Mo Ran seemed frozen, barely breathing. As the seconds passed, Chu Wanning grew increasingly insecure, until she couldn’t help but glance up at Mo Ran’s face.
The other woman had her eyes squinted shut and was breathing shallowly.
Was she enjoying it? It looked that way. Encouraged, Chu Wanning hooked her fingertips into the shorts’ waistband and pulled them slowly down. Her breath hitched when short pubic hair was revealed. Was Mo Ran not wearing any underpants?
Before she could pull them completely off her hips, a hand closed tightly around her wrist and stopped her. Panicked, she looked up again. Mo Ran was squinting down at her with a pained expression.
“Look,” she said, “believe me when I tell you that I hate myself for saying this. Really, I would like to do nothing more than let you continue. But.” And here, she looked briefly upwards as if she couldn’t believe what she was about to say. “Just a moment ago, you literally panicked and ran away from me. You locked yourself in the bathroom and, no matter what you tell me, I don’t believe it was just to touch up your make-up or some shit.”
“I want this,” Chu Wanning interrupted her, but her voice came out like a horrible croak.
Mo Ran exhaled. "To be honest with you, even if you told me that with a smile on your face, I'd have a hard time believing you."
She stayed silent, not trusting her voice to come out right.
“Fuck,” Mo Ran murmured, so quietly she was likely talking to herself. “Fuck, I can’t believe myself.” Then, she pulled Chu Wanning up by her arms, until she was standing straight again.
Chu Wanning wanted to cry. There she had tried to be bold one time and now see where it had gotten her. Humiliated and rejected in even this.
“Oh no,” Mo Ran softly said and stepped forward to softly brush her thumbs over Chu Wanning’s cheeks. “Why are you crying now, huh?” Horrified, Chu Wanning realised that her eyes were burning and her cheeks were wet. She opened her mouth to say something but instead, a loud sob came out.
“Okay, okay.” Gently, hesitant, Mo Ran drew her forwards, against her chest, and closed her arms around her. “Now, Wanning, you need to talk to me, okay? If you need me to keep my distance or…” Chu Wanning only closed her arms around Mo Ran in return, her fingers digging into her back.
Mo Ran made a low sound. “Alright, I guess that works too.”
She couldn’t believe this. There she stood, pressed against Mo Ran’s sharp hipbones and chest, her stiff nipples poking Chu Wanning’s own chest, and she was crying like a baby.
“Come on,” Mo Ran said and tugged at Chu Wanning a little, “let’s go back to bed.”
They shuffled to Chu Wanning’s bedroom and, once there, Mo Ran turned on the little bedside lamp, golden light making the room seem soft and cosy. Mo Ran practically had to set Chu Wanning down on the bed with the way she was clinging to her. Even then, she didn’t let go but tried to pull Mo Ran down with her. After a moment, Mo Ran huffed and acquiesced, lying down next to her.
They lay there for a while, on their sides, silently looking at one another. Eventually, Mo Ran’s hand wandered over the blankets, closer to Chu Wanning. It stopped short of her arm.
“I just can’t tell what goes on in your head,” she said quietly. “First you run away, then you are so bold, then you cry… I try and try to figure out what you are thinking but…”
Again, humiliation went through Chu Wanning like a hot flush and she abruptly turned around. “Don’t talk about it anymore,” she huffed.
A rustle told her that Mo Ran was scooting closer to her. “Don’t be angry, Wanning.” She could feel her hot breath against her neck, feel her knuckles against her lower back. “What am I supposed to think, hm? You’re so pretty when you cry, but I don’t want it to be like this.”
“I’m not-” Chu Wanning spun around, but Mo Ran quickly grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the bed before she could jump out of it. A second later, she quickly released her again, but it didn’t matter. Chu Wanning kept lying on her back, blinking up at Mo Ran.
“Ah, sorry, I just…” Mo Ran was about to sit up and move away when Chu Wanning quickly said: “You said you wanted me.”
Now, it was Mo Ran’s turn to blink down at her. “...Uhh, yeah?”
Chu Wanning turned her head to the side, blinking back frustrated tears. “Then why won’t you just… take me?”
Mo Ran stared at her a bit more before her face twisted into a self-deprecating expression. “Believe me, I’m wondering that too.” Then, louder: “Okay, hear me out. I want you to keep that whole thing that you did there in mind, alright? Don’t forget it! And, after I’ve taken you out to dinner and, I don’t know, gotten you flowers or whatever, please, please, do it again. The whole thing, taking off your shirt and, and going down on your knees and the rest. Do it again, exactly like that.”
“Why would you want to take me out to dinner?” Chu Wanning asked confused.
Mo Ran grabbed her by her bra straps and gently shook her. “Chu Wanning! I know you have a doctorate, you can’t possibly be that oblivious!”
Chu Wanning flushed and pushed Mo Ran back. “Well, what am I supposed to think? You told me you wanted to f-f-fuck me! And now, you suddenly-”
All at once, Mo Ran released her bra straps and grabbed her face with both hands instead. “Yes, of course, I do! But not only that! I also want to cook you breakfast every day and have conversations and go on dates together. I want to, I don’t know, take you to buy some comfortable shoes!” She came even closer and whispered: “I want to be gentle to you too. Wanning. I- I really love you.”
“Oh.” Chu Wanning felt like someone had punched her sternum. “You… You do?”
Mo Ran laughed and fell to the side to bury her face in the pillow. She stayed there for so long, Chu Wanning started to fear she was trying to suffocate herself.
Finally, she resurfaced. “I don’t know what about that room I have, you know, the one that’s full of your pictures, made you doubt that.”
“But I thought,” Chu Wanning started to say before faltering. But no, she wasn’t wrong about this. It was a completely reasonable concern. “There’s a difference between obsession, even sexual obsession, and love!”
“Yeah, there is,” Mo Ran said and Chu Wanning fell silent, stunned at the easy agreement. “But, don’t you think you could give me a chance to prove my feelings? I know what I feel. And, I’m not going to lie to you, Wanning. It’s not all soft and gentle. Some of it is pretty fucked up. I might just be a little insane. But I promise that I love you. I’ll be good to you, if only you let me.”
Then, she leaned over, took Chu Wanning’s hand in hers and softly kissed her wrist. “Let me prove it to you.”
Chu Wanning took a shaky breath and shook her head. Before Mo Ran could protest, she said: “You don’t have to prove it. I’m already… already yours.”
Mo Ran grew still before bracing an elbow beside Chu Wanning’s head to lean over her. “Wanning, ah, say that again, would you? I’m not sure I heard you right.”
She huffed and brought a hand up to hide her eyes behind it. “I’ve liked you for a long time, alright?”
Above her, Mo Ran exhaled a disbelieving laugh. “You’ve never said anything!”
Chu Wanning moved her hand down enough so that she could give her a glare over its edge. “I thought you hated me.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Don’t be stupid,” Chu Wanning pushed her shoulder, but Mo Ran didn’t move, only gave a snorting laugh. “I just thought… you stopped speaking to me so suddenly, I thought…”
“Back then?” Mo Ran interrupted her, her voice gone high in excitement. “You liked me even back then?”
“I know you were my student back then, but-” Instead of letting her finish, Mo Ran dipped down and kissed the back of the hand Chu Wanning had pressed over her own mouth. Chu Wanning made a high, surprised sound at the feeling of soft lips on her hand.
“It wasn’t that I hated you,” Mo Ran whispered against her knuckles. “It was just that I was afraid of my own feelings.”
“Oh,” Chu Wanning whispered back and, very slowly, took her hand off her mouth. Mo Ran’s eyes darkened and she shifted a bit more until she was lying almost on top of her.
She tilted her head up a little and Mo Ran leaned down with a sharp inhale until their lips met. It was only then, when their mouths moved against each other, that Chu Wanning truly realised that this was it. Mo Ran wanted her. Even more, she had said that she loved her! Hot euphoria suffused her body and she couldn’t help but laugh into the kiss.
In response, Mo Ran’s lips twisted into a grin and she pushed her forehead against Chu Wanning’s. “Tomorrow,” she said, “I’m going to make you breakfast. And we’ll go out on a date, okay?”
“Okay,” Chu Wanning said and pulled her back down into another kiss.