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‘Don’t forget about me!’
James’ shout could be heard amidst the excited babble that marked the end of a year at Hogwarts and the beginning of summer. James’ bright hazel eyes and large grin were lost in the crowd at King’s station until all Sirius could see were the top of his friend’s unruly hair and his waving hand, stretched high in the air.
The melancholy mood that was beginning to creep over Sirius at the thought of going back to his stifling house and oppressive family after his magical first year at Hogwarts was dissipated watching the small, enthusiastic hand of his best friend.
Even long after James had disappeared with his parents and most of the crowd had thinned out, Sirius was rooted to the spot, a hand belatedly coming up as if to wave, grey eyes fixed on the air where James’ hand had been.
As if I could.
With that thought, the boy begin to walk towards the wall between the signs that marked platforms 9 and 10, unaware of the grin lighting his face. Outside the station, the warm glow of the summer sun washed the world in golden yellow.
‘This is a night to remember, gentlemen! A historical night for the Marauders!’
Sirius and Peter whooped in response, drowning their Butterbeer to celebrate their success in becoming Animagi. Remus laughed, for once looking his age, a mixture of shock and adoration for his friends still evident on his face. He hadn’t cried when the three transformed into animals (he was much too well versed in hiding for that), but his eyes were watery and warm, not quite being able to believe that he was accepted and loved.
It was indeed a night to remember. It was the night that showed how they could accomplish the impossible. It was the night that Moony finally thought himself a Marauder. The night that he gained a bit of the belief that he lost in himself. The night that marked the beginning of countless unforgettable adventures for the four boys.
For Sirius, it was the night that he noticed how James seemed to shine, his face filled with happiness and pride for his friends. And when the hazel eyes found Sirius’ grey ones, filling with so much love and warmth that spoke of home, it was as if all the clichés he had heard about came true. Sirius’ heart skipped a beat and his breath caught in his throat as the world stopped turning for a second. It was like someone had cast ‘Lumos’ and colours bled into Sirius’ dull world from James.
It truly was an unforgettable night. The night that Sirius Black later remembered as the night he had fallen in love with James Potter.
‘Remember this, yeah?’
It was said lightly, in the whispered breath that carried along the short distance between their lips and sent shivers down Sirius’ spine, but James’ deceptively smiling eyes spoke of deep anxiety even in the darkness of the night.
The two were slightly out of breath, laughter lining their faces as they had just been racing in their Animagi forms. They had tumbled out of the woods as humans, high on adrenaline, and were splayed across the slope looking over the lake and Hogwarts.
James had rolled his head to stare at Sirius with eyes full of a mix of emotions then had lifted himself up on one elbow to lean over Sirius. Although James looked relaxed, lying half-raised on his side with his head supported by a hand, Sirius could easily make out the weight behind the words.
In Hogwarts, everyone knew that Sirius Black didn’t fall in love. He was the charming bastard that everyone slept with, but that no one could keep. He could barely remember the names or faces of the people he went out with, let alone the details of what he did with them in private.
Clearly, James wasn’t going to accept the same treatment.
And under the sparkling stars and the cool, gentle breeze combing through their hair, their lips met in the softest of touches, heart-achingly sweet.
Their eyes fluttered closed, and they remained closed as the two leaned away after a moment, lips still touching but not really kissing. Sirius could feel James’ mouth forming a slight smile against his and they stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity, just sharing that moment and space.
When they finally slid their eyes open, Sirius thought he could see the stars reflected in James’ eyes. Around them was a sense of serenity, a beautiful calm blue that bathed them in something magical.
A single word could be heard, a breathy whisper like the wind but nonetheless strong in its certainty.
‘Always.’
Sirius thought he had never seen something more beautiful than James’ answering smile as he leaned in once more for another kiss. Sirius shone more brightly in the sky than ever.
‘This never happened.’
James’ voice was full of anguish as he strode across the room with a mad glint in his eyes and gripped the back of Sirius’ head to pull him into a bruising kiss.
The kiss was passionate - almost punishing. Sirius responded, gripping the front of James’ tuxedo and wrapping the other hand around the back of James’ neck as James wrapped his free arm around Sirius’ waist.
Their kiss was all teeth and desperation, an angry red like the gashes Sirius clawed into James’ back in the hopes of leaving a mark. In the waiting room beside theirs, Lily was dressed in her white wedding dress, completely oblivious to her soon to be husband’s moment of infidelity. In a flash of madness, Sirius imagined staining her perfect lily-white dress with blooms of blood-red.
When they parted briefly for breath, James’ breath came out in a sob that broke Sirius’ heart.
‘Forget this.’
James repeated in a desperate plea that made Sirius wonder whom it was for.
A softer kiss this time, but one that still slashed at Sirius’ heart.
‘Forget this.’
Sirius was almost surprised that he couldn’t see the blood dripping from his heart onto the floor.
‘Forget this.’
A whisper that didn’t carry nearly as much conviction and one last kiss that lingered far too long and not long enough. A kiss that was too soft and full of contradictions.
Then it was all over, and James was pulling away towards the door when Sirius finally responded.
‘Never.’
A brief pause and falter in his step but after a moment, James was walking out without turning back, looking dashing in his tuxedo.
‘With another mouth to feed, you won’t have time to remember us, Prongs!’
He’d intended for it to come out as a joke but judging by the pity that filled Remus’ eyes, he clearly hadn’t hid his emotions well enough. James glanced his way, but his attention was quickly snatched away once more by his new family.
James had called a few hours ago, panicking as he managed to say that Lily went into labour. Upon hearing the news, the Remus and Sirius had rushed to St. Mungo’s with Peter running in an hour later with a hassled look.
Just as Sirius was starting to doze from waiting around for so long, a Healer had called them in, smiling as she delivered the news that Harry had arrived.
As the three entered the room, Sirius could see Lily, glowing and beautiful despite looking exhausted, and James, his wonderful, perfect James, leaning over his wife and his newborn son protectively with so much love that made Sirius ache with loss and jealousy.
For what felt like hours, the couple didn’t even notice them, caught up in wonder at their creation. They were such a perfect picture of family that Sirius never had and never will have that Sirius felt truly lost for the first time in years since he’d met James.
When Lily finally noticed the three hovering near the door, she gave them a smile and gestured for them to move closer.
Sirius got to hold Harry first with the excuse of being the godfather. Harry looked a lot like James, even with his face all red and puffy but when Harry opened his eyes, Sirius almost dropped him seeing the identical green of Lily’s eyes. His world was washed away in the green of Harry and Lily’s eyes, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Jealousy did come in green - in the exact shade of their haunting eyes.
I promised to never forget you, James. But you never promised to remember me.
Thinking of promises made years ago, Sirius slid silently out of the room to escape Moony’s worried gaze.
James didn’t even notice.
‘Just think of me once in a while, yeah? Pads, promise me.’
The most serious promises were always asked jokingly. James’ tone was again filled with that deceptive lightness but his body was tense.
This would be the last time they’d be able to see each other for an undeterminable amount of time. They were all scared and like boys, they tried to act confident and cocky in a show of bravado.
‘No thanks. I already get enough nightmares thinking of the Death Eaters’ ugly faces. I’d rather not add your ugly mug to that list.’
Sirius dodged James’ punch, grinning with too much teeth as James’ strained laughter vibrated off the walls.
Beside them, Peter shifted restlessly, preparing himself to cast the Fidelius charm. They had all said their goodbyes, and Sirius and James were just trying to hold off the inevitable.
The air shifted and Sirius knew that it was time.
James looked despairingly at Sirius once more, then moved in to wrap his arms around Sirius. They were just a bit too tight around Sirius, as if James was afraid of letting him go.
‘Promise me. Promise me you won’t forget me. Promise me you’ll be there when the war ends.’
James had lost that teasing tone and now it was just raw desperation.
‘You know I’ll be here. It’s you and me, James. It always was, and it always will be.’
James’ smile was a broken shard of glass when he pulled away.
‘You know that I… “
He didn’t finish his sentence, but looked beseechingly at Sirius, begging him to understand.
James never said things he couldn’t take responsibility of.
‘Yeah, I know. Me too, Jamie. It’s always you.’
With that, Sirius turned to walk away with Remus as Peter cast the charm and the house disappeared.
He didn’t glance back.
A few weeks later as Sirius held James’ broken body, weeping in the darkness, he wished he had glanced back, just to see James’ face once more. Crying out into the night sky, Sirius’ world faded into grey as James took his colours with him to somewhere he couldn’t reach.
Sitting in Azkaban, all Sirius ever saw were shades. The black fur of Padfoot, the black of dementors, the world in grey as he saw through Padfoot’s eyes.
After a while, he couldn’t remember the colours of James’ eyes.
‘It’s been 14 years, and still not a day goes by that I don’t miss your dad.’
All those years living in Azkaban, Sirius had never once forgotten James. He was a constant presence and Sirius wasn’t sure whether it was a blessing or a curse. Harry looked so much like his father, and it just served as a reminder of how James was gone.
Really, after the first time, Sirius should have known better. He’d promised James that he’d be there after the war but James had never promised him. It made Sirius want to burst out in laughter.
Clever James. Clever, clever James. Never making promises you can’t keep. Never saying things you can't take back.
Now, as Sirius fought, throwing curses left and right (such colourful lights - it made Sirius want to fight like this forever), he fought to keep his last promise to James. He fought to keep Harry safe (the green eyed monster who was a mix of everything he loved and hated - but he couldn’t remember what he hated and loved anymore, it was all a jumble).
As he fell through the veil, the world burst in colours again as he remembered. He remembered the warmth of yellow, the calm of blue, the desperation of red and the bitterness of green - and James’ eyes, a mix of everything he ever wanted.
Then everything went white.