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Connor was in a predickament. No, that wasn’t a typo.
The android was currently struggling with his sexuality. Not in the sense of his preferences, but more so in the ‘why is sex?’ sense. It’s not that it was repulsive or anything, Connor just couldn’t picture himself doing it any time soon.
Maybe things would change after he did the deed, that’s a plausibility, but Connor didn’t feel any urgency to pursue that information.
Why was this an issue? His human companion would be the reason.
Okay, Connor chastised himself, don’t talk about him like that. He’s your romantic partner and that was rude.
He shook his head at his own thoughts. Sometimes he felt too self-aware. Did the other androids ever feel like this or was it just him?
That doesn’t matter, let’s refocus. Hank wasn’t a problem at all. Connor was happy and content, albeit still overwhelmed by the new prospects that being human came with. Connor found safety in his friend though. Hank was the person primarily responsible for his deviancy, after all.
Friendship destroys all evil, Connor ruminated in his head, Voldemort, YA anime villains, and restrictive programming designed to eliminate all semblances of humanity in my code.
After the revolution, that savory friendship evolved into something deeper over the course of several months. Now, they both would loudly claim each other as boyfriends. Although, Hank had said something about feeling cheesy to do so. “Sounds like we’re lovesick high schoolers or something.”
Connor didn’t care. He felt warm whenever the word would spill out of his mouth. Sometimes, when he knew he was alone, he’d repeat it over and over again until the word and Hank’s name sounded strange in the air. Then he’d resume repeating it in his head.
Was that weird? To be so obsessed with someone but still feel no sexual excitement?
The android worried that it could’ve been an aspect of being deviant that he had yet to catch up with. He knew how much Hank didn’t like him before he was deviant. He didn’t want to be unappealing to the human. Not after he worked so hard to get him to like him, both after and before gaining autonomy.
Connor hoped the human’s old(er, Hank would be mad if he didn’t add the er) age would eliminate the pressure of sex but Hank, over the past few days, had been getting quite touchy. Connor could ignore it at first because most of it could still be placed in the ‘cuddly affection’ category. But sometimes it’d be just a tad more suggestible than other times.
The current moment, for insistence, Hank’s large hand was traveling just a bit too far up his right thigh. They sat in close proximity to each other on the couch, watching a C-tier Netflix movie. It was a romantic comedy that Connor had been more interested in than Hank. He regretted it about twenty minutes into the movie and desperately wanted to turn the movie off so his ears wouldn’t be subjected to another terribly delivered line of shitty dialogue. But twenty minutes had already gone by. He felt like both he and Hank were both too stubborn to go back to browsing at this point, they were committed to watching the rest of the garbage fire on the screen.
Which, seemed to be less of a problem for Hank. As both of their attention spans were drifting away from the lackluster entertainment, Hank gradually started to shift his body towards Connor. Getting closer and closer.
Connor didn’t dislike the intimacy. Matter of fact, he loved being held in Hank’s encompassing arms. They were big and somewhat hairy, Connor loved running his hands all across them. Loved to analyze the texture and all the small bacteria particles that accompanied most humans at all times.
He loved the distinctly human musk that infiltrated his bio-components that were respiratory mimics. Interestingly enough, he wasn’t able to tell the difference between each human’s individual smell before he became deviant. They all were the same. But now, Hank had his own scent that Connor preferred above all else.
Connor welcomed the touch on his knee. Got nervous when the hand slowly slid up. Tensed when it rested on his upper thigh. His eyes stayed glued to the TV screen.
Now, Hank was once a seasoned detective. He was observant and above all else, attentive. Especially when it came to his loved ones. However, it wouldn’t even take a detective to catch on to the rigid posture Connor abruptly adopted.
The human pulled his hand away, sitting up. Connor briefly felt relief before it was replaced by anxiety. Why did he pull away? He worried he might’ve upset Hank until it was made clear that wasn’t the case. Hank switched his approach, cupping Connor’s face tenderly and forcing his gaze away from the movie.
Connor melted into the touch. Meeting Hank’s eyes, he was reminded of the security he first found in them. How he felt like he could be himself around the human more so than he could even around other androids. He was reminded of the snarky comments Hank would whisper in his ear during meetings at the precinct. He could distantly hear the sound of burnt bacon sizzling on a pan while he and Hank laughed over a short-lived food fight.
Those blue eyes staring at him with pride, the corners crinkling as a smile of pure elation plastered itself on the human’s face. The first hug Connor had ever experienced. A distant stench of greasy food wafting over from the Chicken Feed before getting lost in the cool air.
The simple recollection of the memories filled Connor’s chest with an emotion he had yet to name. All he knew was that it felt hot and cold at the same time. The juxtaposition of it all overloading his processing system.
“Are you okay?” Hank asked gently, although unsure, “Am I doing something wrong? Too much too fast? You know you can tell me if I’m being a creepy old perv, right?”
Connor shook his head, momentarily chuckling. “You’re not doing anything wrong.”
Hank furrowed his eyebrows and let his hands fall back down to his own lap, much to Connor’s dismay. “Come on, Con. You’re a shitty liar and even shittier at hiding your emotions. Weren’t you the one that told me relationships are all about communication?”
“Well, yes, but that was because you wouldn’t tell me why you were so upset that I put grape jelly on your toast.”
“Because it was tacky. The only people that eat jelly with their toast are in elementary school and I was insulted that you didn’t use the Nutella instead.”
Connor bemusedly averted his eyes. “I remember the forty-five-minute discussion we had about this Hank. I’m still confused.”
Hank shook his head. “That’s not the point. The point is, you told me to explain my feelings on the situation and I did. And even though you didn’t understand, you still listened. I’ll do the same for you.”
The genuine look on Hank’s face made Connor’s shoulders slouch as he relaxed ever so slightly. “I’m afraid you won’t like me anymore.”
“Impossible.”
Connor swallowed hard, an action he didn’t need to perform but thought it suited the anxiety that plagued his body. “I’m not so sure…that I’m ready. For the more intimate part of a relationship.”
It took Hank a second to realize what the android was referring to. “Oh. You mean you don’t want to have sex yet? That’s it? That’s perfectly fine, Con. Did you think I’d be mad at you?”
“No,” Connor quickly corrected, “It’s not just that. I think maybe something might be wrong with me. Like maybe I’m not being a deviant correctly.”
Hank laughed. Connor scrunched his face up indignantly, upset that he wasn’t being taken seriously. “I don’t appreciate your laughter. You said you’d listen.”
Hank, still chuckling, hurriedly grasped Connor’s hands to placate him. “No, no. I’m not laughing at you. I’m just laughing at the fact that you think there’s a wrong way to do this free-will thing.”
“You don’t understand, I’m saying that maybe I can’t have sex. Because it’s like…it doesn’t even want to exist in my brain. If that makes any sense,” Connor sighed exasperatedly, “I’m having trouble expressing myself right now.”
“That’s okay,” Hank reassured, grimacing at the distressed tone in his boyfriend’s voice, “I think I understand. It’s not a big deal, I promise.”
“But I don’t want you to think it’s because I don’t like you,” Connor added, “Because I really, really like you. And I love being your partner, both in work and in our personal lives.”
“Don’t worry, I—“
“And I don’t think it’s because I don’t find you attractive either! You’re a very handsome man, Hank. I sometimes set my sleep timer to end in the early morning, so I have time to gaze at you before you wake up.”
“…Right—“
“I know that’s kind of odd now that I’ve said it aloud, but I assure you it’s not in a Twilight kind of way.”
Hank turned his body entirely towards Connor and grabbed his shoulders, gently shaking him. “Connor. Relax. I’m not a spring chicken. I’ve been in relationships with hyper-sexual people, vanilla people, and folks who didn’t want sex at all.”
“A spring what?”
“Chicken. A spring chicken. Means I’m not young.”
“Why would the metaphor be chicken though? Are chickens born only in spring, or something? Or is it like the best time for farmers to force them to mate with each other and that’s how the phrasing came along?”
Hank pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know, Con. Don’t you have google built in to your brain?”
“No.”
Hank waved him off. “Whatever, that doesn’t matter. Point is, I don’t mind you not being ready. I’m patient, okay? We have all the time in the world….If I don’t die of a heart attack.”
“Which is entirely possible, considering how long you have been consuming burgers that contain enough grease to drown a small child in.”
“I haven’t been to Chicken Feed in three weeks, I’ll have you know.”
They both snickered lightly. Connor felt the vice grip of apprehension finally release the hold it had on his heart. Although, still worried he might have upset the Lieutenant and perhaps the human was just good at hiding it, he asked: “But what if I never want to do it? Would you still be okay with that?”
“Of course. Plus, I’m pretty sure I’ll be going through erectile dysfunction within the next five to ten years. So, if anything, you probably would be saving me a bit of embarrassment.”
Connor chuckled, the turmoil he was experiencing before already lost in the vast expanse of his mind palace. “You know, you’re already in the age range for that to happen. It could be a lot sooner than five years.”
“Hey. Only I can joke about my age.”