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Jiang Cheng arrived home shortly after 10 pm. He was tired and hadn’t looked at his surroundings. He heard a clang further into the house. That, was when he snapped back into reality. Jiang Cheng was now aware that something was going on in the house. It couldn’t have been Xichen because he wasn’t there yet. Neither could it have been Wei Wuxian or his husband because they were in Venice. And it most definitely wasn’t Jin Ling or Lan Qiren because neither of them was so rude to just barge in. So, it left only one other option; somebody broke in.
Jiang Cheng was too far into the house to try and leave, and he was too tired to try to put up a fight. Even if he could fight them, he wasn’t sure what weapons they had on them. Even though he was far in the house, he had two options; hide or run. He took out his phone and sent his husband a text.
[Someone broke in. Call the police]
[I love you]
Jiang Cheng tried walking backward, slowly. His floorboards weren’t creaky, the door hinges didn’t squeak. He wasn’t a heavy walker, escaping should be soundless. And he almost made it too. However, what Jiang Cheng didn’t take into account was that there were two instead of one.
Jiang Cheng didn’t realize this until he felt something grab his face, and a sharp blade slice his throat. Jiang Cheng fell to the ground with a thud, doing nothing but laying there as the blood pooled out everywhere. As he was being greeted by death, there was one thought he still had, A-Huan, please don’t hold yourself back because of me. Consciousness had left Jiang Cheng, as his eyes glossed over. Outside of the kitchen, is where he died, bleeding out.
——-
It took only thirty minutes for Lan Xichen to reach the house and have it surrounded by cops. Thirty minutes too late.
Lan Xichen didn’t wait for the cops to fully surround the house, he barged in with a few cops ahead of him. He didn’t care. He needed to know if Jiang Cheng had escaped or was hiding. He needed to know that Jiang Cheng was still alive .
Lan Xichen walked further into the house as the police led the way, checking for any dangers.
“A-Cheng?” He called out every so often. He never got a response. Every step he took was more anxious than the last.
At last, Lan Xichen arrived at the kitchen. He was horrified at the sight. Jiang Cheng was dead, laying in his blood, cameras flashing all around. Xichen didn’t think twice before rushing over to the lifeless body. He picked Jiang Cheng up and held him. Lan Xichen held him in his arms so tightly. Tears, slow-moving and warm rolled down his face.
“Wanyin?” He said desperately shaking his lover. He repeated his lover's name over and over, hoping by a miracle he would wake up. The body lay limp in his arms. The air was heavy. The police were still there and watched as sorrow filled the Lan. Lan Xichen pushed a hair strand out of his lover's face and caressed his cheek, hopelessly smiling. He brought Jiang Cheng’s head up to his still-beating heart, and cradled it, not letting go for a while.
Lan Xichen hadn’t been seen for months after Jiang Cheng died. Nobody saw him, including his family. Some say that he was handling it worse than his brother did when Wei Wuxian was in a coma for so many years. Others say he just needed the time to heal. But that was just speculative talk. Those who he did speak with were met with an entirely different person. His personality had changed. Any mention of Jiang Cheng set him off into an enraged fit. Soon, people stopped coming to visit him. They left him alone to handle his angry outbursts, on his own.
People didn’t start to see Lan Xichen again until two years after Jiang Cheng’s death. He didn’t smile anymore, and his eyes were tired and empty. His once radiating energy now gone. There stood a sad, loveless, broken man. Not even a shell of the man he once used to be.
No one dared to mention Xichen’s physical appearance. The man was worn out and he seemed deathly pale. As if he were one foot into the grave himself. His body was tensed and stressed, not resembling the carefreeness it once did.
“Brother,” Lan Zhan said tapping on his brother's shoulder slightly. Xichen was startled and sighed. Lan Zhan was invited over to Xichen’s. The poor boy had been begging his brother to let him see him. Eventually, Lan Huan had given in and let Lan Zhan come.
“Ah, Wangji. You’re here,” Lan Xichen tried to put on a small smile for his brother. It came out looking forced and unnatural. Nothing like how it used to look before. He tidied up his home office as his brother took a seat.
“Uncle would like to have dinner with us,” Lan Zhan said flatly. Xichen pondered that for a while.
“I see,” Xichen’s eyes trailed down to his hands, “tell uncle that I will attend dinner with him.”
“Mn.”
Times without Jiang Cheng were miserable for Lan Xichen. He found himself frequently walking into his “memorial room,” looking at the portrait of his love. He prayed at the altar that was placed, as many times as he could throughout the day. Other times, Lan Xichen would spend the day away in that room.
“Xichen, you’ve finally come to see your uncle after so long?” Lan Qiren asked as if to guilt Lan Xichen any more. Even if it wasn’t his intention, it had worked.
“I apologize uncle. As you know… things are a bit rough,” the last part of the sentence came out quieter than the rest. Lan Huan didn’t want to address anything during dinner. He planned to eat dinner and maybe escape. If needed, he would speak with his uncle.
Xichen didn’t realize that there would be so many people there with them. His uncle never informed him that it would be such an event. Maybe his uncle attempted to get him back into society. Lan Xichen put on his best show and prayed that the night went on much faster than it was now.
At one point, Xichen’s mind found itself at Jiang Cheng’s funeral. The funeral was that of great sorrow and disappointment. All who were invited barely shed a tear, with a few exceptions. The two people who truly boggled Lan Xichen were Wei Wuxian and his sister, Jiang Yanli. Wei Wuxian was peculiar at the funeral. He didn’t cry and had almost no reaction. His face was blank, and his posture was stiff. Lan Huan couldn’t tell if he was remorseful or not. If he even cared. Jiang Yanli was even more strange. Jiang Cheng oftentimes described her as someone who was kind-hearted and empathetic. At the funeral, she showed none of those traits. She almost brushed it off. Similar to Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng had described his relationship with his siblings as “well” or “fine.” Sometimes even “nice.” Had he just been lying to Xichen? Why? Had something happened between them?
Aside from the strangeness of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Yanli, there were very few people truly upset. Including Lan Xichen, Jin Ling, Nie Huaisang, and his uncle. Lan Xichen remembers how torn Jing Ling looked at the funeral. The poor boy couldn’t decide between crying or not. Jin Ling loved his uncle so much. He was too young to have gone through such a thing. In the end, he stayed at his mother's side, no matter how unemotional she appeared. He was only ten, after all. Lan Xichen couldn’t help but smile even the softest of smiles.
He remembered how Uncle Qiren truly loved Jiang Cheng like he was one of his own. It was heartbreaking to see Qiren in such a mourning state. Qiren was also not seen for weeks after Jiang Cheng’s funeral. It took a toll on that man. Lan Xichen pitied his uncle just as much as his uncle did him.
That day at the funeral, Xichen remembered staying there until dusk. Never leaving Jiang Cheng’s grave, until he was forced out of the cemetery.
“Xichen?” A voice called him back to reality.
“My apologies, what were we speaking about?” Lan Huan said almost automatically.
“Your lover, Jiang Cheng?” They said. Lan Xichen furrowed his brows momentarily. How had the conversation even shifted onto this topic? Did they bring it up? Had he not been paying attention and nodded to something without knowing what it was?
“I’d prefer if we did not talk about that. It’s a sensitive topic,” Xichen said, body stiffening.
“Right of course. But I would assume that since it’s been two years, you’d have gotten over it by now?”
“Please don’t make such assumptions.” Lan Xichen needed to leave the conversation. He needed a little way out. The person he was conversing with had made a face of distaste for a brief moment.
“I know what would help,” the person said clapping their hands.
“And what might that be?”
“You should go out with my son! It would be a great way to get you back into the game.” They said with a wink. Lan Xichen’s lips curved slightly downward.
“Thank you for that offer but,” his eyes flicked around, “my heart still belongs to another. I’m not ready to move on.”
Lan Xichen sighed when he walked into his now too-big home. He could’ve sworn it would never be big enough for the two of them, but now it felt too large for himself. Everywhere he turned, he was filled with memories. Xichen walked into his memorial room. He stared at the portrait that hung on the wall and sighed.
“Wanyin, how could I ever love another?”
There was a reputation regarding the Lans when it came to significant others. It was that no Lan married twice in that life. It was said that the stubbornness of a Lan would prevent them from moving on to another. This was true, for the most part. As far as Xichen could think back in his family history, all but one Lan never remarried after their loved one died. That person who did remarry was said to have been an unstable person, to begin with. They were a person who never wanted to be a Lan, and tried to rebel against the family and their rules. It never made any sense to Xichen, but who was he to question his family heritage?
The longer Lan Xichen stared, the more he wished things were different. After Jiang Cheng’s death, there were times-several times- that Lan Xichen thought of taking his own life. For if it was not out of grief, it was for love. There were times that he wished he had gotten there earlier. Times when he just wished he should’ve called Jiang Cheng over to his office. There were plenty of things Xichen thought about. He thought about all sorts of “what-ifs.” But dwelling on what-ifs would never change reality. It never has, and never would.
——
About five years after Jiang Cheng’s death, Xichen had almost returned to his old self. Except, there seemed to be a piece of him missing. He smiled more, but they weren’t the same as before. He has bettered himself, but he will never be as good as he used to be.
One day, Lan Xichen was pulled aside by Jin Ling. They were actually at Jiang Cheng’s five-year death anniversary. It caught Xichen off guard, but he allowed his nephew to say what was needed.
“Jiujiu would be in tears if he saw how you are now,” he said lowly. Xichen was taken aback. He never would’ve expected something like this from Jin Ling at all. He understood that Jin Ling was now fifteen, but he never expected him to act so harshly. Was this product of his parents raising him?
Maybe it wasn’t the fact Jin Ling was “harsh” but rather what he said was true.
“You’re right,” Xichen said at last. Jin Ling was right. There’s no doubt about it. In those last years of Jiang Cheng’s absence, Lan Xichen had disconnected himself from the world. He was in a slump.
“Just so you know, even though Jiujiu isn’t here anymore, you don’t have an excuse to not see me,” Jin Ling said in a playful arrogant manner.
“Of course,” Lan Xichen said, smiling and patting Jin Ling’s head.
——-
On the day of Jin Ling’s archery competition, Lan Xichen came to support his nephew. A-Ling placed first that day and Xichen couldn’t have been prouder. He didn’t know why he came out to see Jin Ling that day. Or why he brought Jin Ling back to his place. Maybe it was because Jin Ling resembled Jiang Cheng so much. Maybe it was because Lan Xichen had something, one last thing of Jiang Cheng’s that he could hold on to.
While Jin Ling was over at his Uncle Xichen’s, the pair had gone through a box of Jiang Cheng’s. It was a box that Jiang Cheng had warned Xichen to not open. Of course, Xichen was hesitant to open it, but with of Jin Ling’s insistence, the box was opened. Inside, there were plenty of things that Xichen had never seen. Letters, pictures, USB drives, trinkets, and clothes. Everything was wrapped according to who it was addressed. All of it was so new, yet it felt so familiar. There were several letters addressed to his family, and friends, and even some to Xichen. Xichen handed some letters to Jin Ling as they were addressed to him, and opened one that was addressed to himself. This letter had number one on it, so Xichen assumed that it was to be read first.
October 17th 20XX
A-Huan,
Assuming that if you’re reading this letter, I’m either dead or you’ve snuck into the box I told you to never open. Either way, I can’t believe you’ve done that! But it doesn’t matter. There are many things that I have to say that I don’t think I’ll ever get to say out loud. Hopefully, you’ll read these letters in order. All that is said in this letter is me in my most vulnerable, sincere, and honest state. Please do not take the contents lightly.
The first really big topic I want to tell you about is my relationship with my family. I’ve honestly felt like I’ve never belonged with them. All the times I’ve told you my siblings and I were “fine” or “alright” were lies. Such horrible lies. I’ve always been competing with Wei Wuxian, and A-Jie never cared for me as she did Wei Wuxian. It hurt as a child because it wasn’t fair. It hurt because I could never amount to Wei Wuxian. It wasn’t until I moved out of that house and met you that I realized I was more than just Wei Wuxian’s shadow. That I was more than just how smart I was. When I met you and your family, I realized that I amounted to more than what I was told I was. I thank you for that. I thank you and Uncle Qiren, and even Lan Wangji.
Xichen felt a tear roll down his face as he read the letter. He was unsure about finishing the letter. But curiosity said otherwise. He wiped his face and continued reading.
A-Huan, as stated before, all that I am saying is my truth. Back when I was a child, my parents always had a rocky relationship and it greatly affected me growing up. I had already started to develop some self-esteem issues at around the age of four. It wasn’t until my father brought Wei Wuxian into the family that I truly didn’t matter to him or my sister. In my father’s eyes, Wei Wuxian could do no wrong. To A-Jie, Wei Wuxian was “special” so he needed “special treatment.” It was infuriating for a child at four years old to not understand why his blood father wouldn’t look at him the same way he did to an adopted child. It was heartbreaking for that four-year-old boy to not understand why Wei Wuxian was “special” and he was not.
My mother, thankfully, was always on my side. She truly cared for me, though she didn’t show it in a typical way. She didn’t give me “special treatment” nor did she overdo anything for me. All that she did was acknowledge me. Acknowledge that I tried, and tried, and tried. It’s all that I ever wanted from my father and sister.
Eventually, my parents divorced when I was fourteen. I was given a choice to live with my father, whom I’ve never really known, or my mother. The choice was simple and easy. But sometimes, I wondered what would have happened if I had chosen my father instead. How my mother would’ve looked. Whether she would’ve had the same reaction as my father. I was labeled as a “traitor” and “backstabbing” by both my father and Wei Wuxian. Yanli didn’t say it out loud, but I knew she disliked me for my decision.
At the age of fifteen, I had lost almost all contact with my father. We seldom saw each other, and it wasn’t all that bad. However, even though I was no longer a part of Wei Wuxian’s life, it was pulled back by him. I wasn’t in his life and yet I was still in his shadow. I had to beg my mother to let me transfer schools so that I could prove myself. So that I wasn’t associated with Wei Wuxian anymore. She agreed almost immediately. She claimed that she was going to speak about this with me soon. She was overjoyed. I guess she and I always had the same point of view.
After graduation, I found that Yanli had A-Ling. She didn’t tell me directly, though. I heard through other people. I wasn’t upset that she never told me because it had been years since we last spoke anyway. When A-Ling reached out to me, I was reluctant and a bit cold. But as he persisted he grew on me. And I love A-Ling. I do. I’ll always be proud of him.
When Wei Ying and Lan Zhan got married I was very iffy about it. I didn’t like that Wei Wuxian had become a part of this separate life that I had made. Of course, I was never protective of Wangji, but I didn’t like that he was marrying my ex-brother. Because of their marriage, I had to see a person who I never wanted to see. I was happy for Wangji. I was. But I just couldn’t stand that he chose someone like Wei Wuxian. Alas, you cannot pick who another person loves. Be that it may be someone you hate.
I remember this one time I overheard Wei Ying and Uncle Qiren arguing. I was passing through the hallway. I stopped briefly but continued to walk past. It wasn’t until I heard my own name that I turned around to listen. It wasn’t much but I remember a few things that they said.
“You let Jiang Cheng marry Lan Huan! Why can’t I marry Lan Zhan?!” Wei Wuxian said. Uncle replied with something I couldn’t hear. But whatever he said made Wei Wuxian furious. Wei Wuxian started yelling and cursing. Up to this day, I still don’t know how Uncle allowed Wei Wuxian to marry Wangji. If he ever did. He was so blatantly rude that it made MY blood boil.
Lan Xichen was shocked at the new information he had learned about his brother-in-law and his sister-in-law. He gained an explanation as to why they were so odd at the funeral. The more he read, the more he learned about the life of his lover. While reading the letter, Lan Huan realized that he never truly knew Jiang Cheng. That he was harboring all these feelings. There were a few things he knew about, like his low self-esteem. But almost everything else was new to him. Jiang Cheng had written so much that Xichen had to flip to the back of the page where it continued.
Before he could continue, he checked on Jin Ling. It had been oddly quiet since they got their letters. Lan Xichen saw Jin Ling with his hand clasped over his mouth, and eyes rimmed red. Xichen set down his letter for a bit and placed his hand on top of Jin Ling’s. Lan Xichen wouldn’t ask what was in that letter for it was Jin Ling’s and Jin Ling’s alone. Whatever was said in it wasn’t meant for him to know.
Once Jin Ling calmed down, he left to go get something to eat. Lan Huan finished the letter with the knowledge he never had before. Opinions on certain people had changed, or new ones were formed. Untold truths revealed. It was all like a wave crashing down on him. He wasn’t glad but he wasn’t upset. Just, shocked. That’s all he felt. Shock. He sighed and folded the letter, placing it back into the envelope. He would go over everything else at a later date.
—-----
It was Jin Ling’s birthday when Lan Huan sees him again. By now, Lan Xichen had already gone through almost everything that he could have gone through in the box. He arrived at the party, dazzling and charming, to all those who glanced at him. He eventually made it over to Jin Ling, where he handed his gifts. Two from him, and three from Jiang Cheng. Jin Ling was a bit confused about the gifts from Jiang Cheng but accepted them anyway. He first received another letter, then a USB drive, and finally a packaged present.
As Jin Ling went through all of his presents, Lan Huan’s mind wandered elsewhere. Why did Jiang Cheng prepare all of this in advance? Did he know he would be killed? Was he already dying? Just why was he this prepared? There had to be some other reason. There must be another reason. One doesn’t just have things like these ready unless they knew something. None of it made any sense to Xichen. Maybe it all was just a coincidence? Would Jiang Cheng still have given him the letters and drive if he was still alive? There were too many questions unanswered. It is possible that Jiang Cheng was just always preparing for the worst.
By the time Jin Ling got to Jiang Cheng’s presents, he had suddenly become “tired.” He said that he would “finish opening them later.” Lan Xichen knew he wasn’t tired at all. Rather, he was saving his jiujiu’s presents for the privacy of his room. Xichen left along with the other guests that night. He was glad that he took the time to give those gifts to his nephew. He left, with a smile playing on his lips.
—---
After Jin Ling’s birthday, Xichen and Jin Ling had seen each other frequently. Xichen realized that over those last few months of meeting with his nephew, his mood improved, and he was smiling much more often. He started to go out more, and slowly started to develop that almost carefreeness that he once had. It was amazing. People around him had noticed this change too. Some were content with the growth, and others were puzzled. But after six long years without his husband, Lan Xichen was finally ready to accept Jiang Cheng’s death. Accept that he cannot dwell on what-ifs any more, and accept all that he has left him. Accept that though he's not physically there anymore, he will remain in the hearts of those who cherished him.