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The first time she realizes that she has to change her ways is when the little girl shoots Nick. Al is so focused on getting the story that she doesn't even realize it until it's too late. She doesn't recognize that Alicia's world falls apart and she crumbles as Al tries to capture the story. It's the moment after, that Al's perspective shifts. Alicia transforms, from the little two dimensional figure she sees through the lens of her camera into a multi dimensional person with feelings, she becomes real. Al doesn't acknowledge the vague feeling of guilt that seeps into her consciousness. She knows it could have been her, the person whose whole world crumbles to pieces at the death of a loved one; even more specific, at the death of her brother. She might as well be that person, but she doesn't like to dwell on those thoughts. If she does she always comes to the same conclusion about his current state, one that doesn't line up with what she hopes for. So she ignores the feeling that settles into her bones and breathes it away in order to pursue the story. She had done it back then, picking the story over the person, so it better be worth it now. She can't feel like she picked the story over the person only to find herself losing both. If she gets the story, at least one of the two will survive, if only for a future society's sake.
She gets the story, just like she planned to. She gets Alicia, Victor and Luciana to tell their stories of how they ended up here. She can feel Luciana's grief, it's all consuming in the way she acts, the way she doesn't seem fully present at times, not emotionally available in the very least. Al wonders if she is emotionally present herself at the moment, but she tucks that thought away deep in the realms of her subconscious as soon as she becomes aware of its presence. Before everything went to shit her therapist would have probably told her that suppressing her emotions only meant delaying the inevitable. She ignores the voice in her head that sounds way too much like the actual person that would have given her that piece of advice, after all she isn't here anymore. Denial is apparently the way to go in the apocalypse, who would've thought? Al briefly wonders how many others ignore rather than face their thoughts face on, she strongly suspects that the numbers are virtually congruent with the total population.
And so her realization that she's going to have to change if she wants to preserve her humanity fades as quickly as it arrived. Leaving her emotions out of this, even it for the sake of self-preservation, seems like the easier way to live. Besides, if everyone does it why shouldn't she?
-
By now she has realized that Strand seems to have an affinity for finding potent alcohol anywhere. Somehow he even found her stash of whiskey and she'd confront him if she had any proof. The situation in the van is delicate, a truce that could shatter with any wrong move by any single one of them. It's a delicate dance between the unfamiliarity and the heavyness that comes with experiencing joint trauma, which she undoubtably believes Nick getting shot should count as. The distrust paints all of their actions, all of them have trust in no one else but themselves. Al briefly wonders if the situation would be easier to endure if she drank away her problems like Strand does, but the supply won't last for the both of them to do so, and she doesn't trust anyone around with the SWAT van. As much as she hates it, being sober is not exactly making her feel good now that her thoughts turn dark far too often, but it's a necessity. She needs to keep on her toes, in this world most people would not hesitate to sacrifice another persons life for the sake of survival and she doubts that her temporary travel companions are an exception to that rule. In some instances not even for survival but for supplies, for power, authority, a place to stay or food; the list is endless.
In the evening she takes another look at the place where her whiskey is stashed. The last bottle is missing and Strand is nowhere to be found. How awfully predictable, she thinks to herself. He'll have to look out for himself, she's not in the business of saving people from their own stupidity after all. She's just waiting for the last pieces of the puzzle to fall into place, after finally learning about the fall of the stadium her three companions had come from.
-
When they go to bury Nick and she finds Alicia uncovering a pile of weapons, she realizes that she had underestimated the girl. The soft and vulnerable grieving sister has turned into something much more dangerous. She has gained edges, hardened her shell and slowly but surely starts to become more and more unpredictable. Al starts to recognize the patterns, the recklessness of someone who doesn't have anything left to lose. She has been there herself, putting everyone on the line to get the story. She supposes that it's not only that, maybe she still is that person. After all the entire business of trading stories of strangers she sought out against food is not exactly the definition of self preservation, even she can admit that much.
Al can see the shift in Alicia when she comes back from burying her brother, and in all honesty the shift scares her. She had met Alicia as this girl who had tricked her into helping only to turn on her and hold her hostage in her own van. The irony of being held hostage in the place she'd deemed her own redemption for leaving Jessie was not lost on her in the slightest. That version of Alicia had been desperate and dangerous, Al had known she was not to be underestimated. But back then she had still been in a different kind of mindset. Now the girl was pure rage, chaos and desperation. Al didn't know how to best act around her so she tried avoiding any real confrontation but vowed to look out for the people who were caught in the crossfire when Alicia inevitably started going on a rampage. It wasn't the 'if' that was in question, but the 'when'.
When they drive off Al just hopes that they won't find the group Alicia is searching for. She's never been into the whole protector thing, but to her no one is irredeemable, especially a child. She's aware that for Alicia that doesn't even play a role anymore; Charlie is a killer, first and foremost. Al had been there, she had seen it unfold. Still she can't help but let her mind wander to how mislead the girl had to have been to pull the trigger. She hates that sometimes collecting stories of so many different people has led to her empathizing with them. She knows there's more to it, she knows she'd bonded with people who had – objectively speaking – done much worse things than Charlie, out of motives that had been far worse. Not that there was a good motive for murder, Al reminds herself. That's the second time she realizes that she has to induce some change. She is justifying murder, thinking about it as this abstract concept when she had been right there. As if she had any business objectively speaking on Nick's murder. As if she had any business invalidating Alicia's hurt. Things need to change, and once again the catalyst for that realization is Alicia.
-
When they find the vultures, Al can't help but try and save Charlie. She's still a kid, manipulated by people that she thought she could trust. She knows that it's unforgiveable to Alicia, the look in her eyes speaking of an unmistakeable feeling of betrayal. It hurts, and rather than fight Alicia, Al would wish to calm her. It doesn't happen though, Alicia is frantic and reckless, throwing herself headfirst into danger and dragging everyone else with her. Al wonders how she can prevent this from unfolding into a catastrophe. Next thing she knows John Dorie is being shot and Morgan keeps begging her to save him. The only thing they can do is try and find supplies to help him. Alicia has done too much damage, Al knows that. She still tries to excuse it in her mind, telling herself that Alicia is just the devastated sister of a brother that should stiil be alive. Alicia's rage is starting to grow more and more, her edges have grown sharper than ever and she's acting out. Something needs to change and Al is clueless as to how to achieve it.
-
They're in front of the stadium, the MRAP has pulled up by what must have been the front gates and is surrounded by walkers. Al is fighting to keep her wits, even when Alicia is going rampant, she's shouting at Al and fighting her. Al hasn't ever come into physical contact with her, so having the girl tackle her and try to feed her to the walkers is – unexpected, to say the least. She's taken off guard by the power that Alicia still possesses, even though she's barely eaten anything of nutritional value in the past few weeks. Al has to strain herself to level the playing field, for the first time she doesn't excuse Alicia's behaviour to herself. She lets herself be angry, putting all of her anger in fighting for her life, because fragile, young Alicia is doing everything she can to see to her death. It occurs to Al that Alicia has hardened to a point where she's unable to come into contact with anyone without inflicting pain. As much as she fears her, she's devastated for the young woman who's struggling so hard that she had to become like this. She feels it deep in her bones, Alicia needs the change – there needs to be a change in their futures, or they might all lose their chance of ever seeing one.
Al feels her heart give a painful throb when she finds Alicia on the floor with the Amina tape, there's nothing quite as painful as watching someone slip away right in front of your eyes after all. She doesn't know what to do, what to say. The Alicia from before is gone, her eyes have grown dull and there's tears slipping down her cheeks. Al leaves her by herself in order to fight more walkers so that they have a chance of making it out again, but her mind is reeling, thinking of the devastation that's washed over Alicia's features.
There's too many walkers for her to kill alone, the other's aren't there, no matter how many times she's tried to reach out to them, there's no response. It comes down to her to make a decision – risk even more by staying in the middle of a rampant horde of walkers with Alicia, waiting for the others to -maybe, possibly, if they were so kind – appear, or to take the MRAP and Alicia and leave. She turns to look at her companion, seeing her sitting on the floor, looking through the camera in her hands while her eyes keep spilling tears. There's no way she can leave Alicia near any walkers in this state, she's afraid of what she might do. Despite how Alicia has been acting out, a big part of her understands. She whishes she didn't but somewhere along the way she had started to empathsize, Alicia had turned into someone important to her.
With a sigh she makes a decision, not quite understanding why she's so hellbend on risking everyone else, but not the crumbled up brunette behind the camera. Al gets up, softly asks Alicia to sit on the bench and fastens her seatbelt. She doesn't even have to explain anything, Alicia is complying with everything she's instructed to do. It really doesn't feel right to her, the dejected look on Alicia's face is much worse than the fierce wildfire in her eyes was before. Suddenly Al thinks she prefered the edges, at least Alicia hadn't looked so utterly broken with them. The inevitable change has come, but Al isn't sure if it's a good thing.
When she starts up the vehicle, she pushes through the mass of walkers with no regard for anything, she's got a foot on the gas pedal, pushing it through to the point it almost hits the ground, deciding that she's done being careful. It might be stupid, but it works out in the end. The van makes it through and Al quickly maneuvers them away from the growling walkers, takes a turn onto a dirt path and then just keeps driving until she's sure they must be in the middle of nowhere. She parks next to a row of tall trees that must have been there for decades already. With a sigh she turns off the engine, her hand shaking as she pulls the key out of the ignition. It's quiet, except for a few birdcalls that echo through the air.
It doesn't take her long to get into the back of the van, her instinct to look after Alicia taking over after she's made sure the vehicle is safe. Alicia is sitting on the bench, seatbelt still in place and hands clasped in front of herself. She looks so lost in thought that Al stops in her tracks. There are teartracks on her face, paving a way through the dirt and grime on her face. Her hair is hanging down at the sides of her face in messy strands. Al approaches her carefully, and slowly unclips the seatbelt. Alicia doesn't move, she just keeps sitting still.
When Al moves to sit next to her she hears the telltale sign of Alicia's breath getting caught. She offers up her hand and tries to regulate her breathing, tries to ignore the pain that's starting to blossom in her own chest as she realizes that she's just sacrificed multiple people for this girl on the brink of sanity. She tries to ignore the voice in her head that tells her she would do it all over again. Instead she offers comfort in silence, in company. Alicia doesn't say anything, but after a while her hand slips into Al's, first softly, then tightening her grip until her knuckles turn white. When Al glances to her side she sees the tears flowing again, she can barely keep her own from spilling. She tells Alicia that she will be there for her, to come to her if she need help. Alicia doesn't answer, but she doesn't go off on her either, so Al thinks that might be progress. Things have changed, she just doesn't know what to do with that yet.
-
She wakes up disoriented, in the middle of the night. Al knows she's opted to sleep on the floor and given Alicia the bench to sleep on, but it takes her a while to understand what's up. The inside of the MRAP is lit up by the moonlight, it's quiet outside and Al doesn't know what woke her. Suddenly there's a soft tug on her sleeve, drawing her attention to the side. Alicia is laying on the bench, looking down at her with watery eyes as she tugs at her sleeve. Al's heart gives a painful squeeze. She doesn't know how she manages to keep the pained expression from showing, but instead she moves to the back a little bit and pats the space in front of her. Alicia is moving quicker than she expected, laying down next to her and moving into her space as well, surprising Al. She hears the sniffing sound and reaches out, trying to calm the girl down. She knows it's new territory, but she really wants to help and she can't help but think that maybe the human contact will give her some peace, maybe even both of them. Alicia pulls herself closer until the two of them are entangled, a mess of limbs on the hard floor. It takes a while, but eventually Alicia's breath evens out. It takes Al a while, but she falls asleep a few hours later, mind whirling with thoughts on the woman that's taken up residence on her shoulder in her sleep.
-
It's a few days later, Al is sitting at the spot where they've build a fire pit for their meals, still taking up residence in the MRAP. Al knows it's not forever, but she wants Alicia to get better before they take off again, into a more dangerous situation than the middle of nowhere is right now. They rarely talk, but at times Al manages to strike up a conversation for a few minutes. It's calm out, and Alicia calms with it. Slowly her demenour changes and she's not as stoic anymore, not a frightened or as quick to tear up. They strike up a weird kind of truce, and a tentative friendship starts forming. There hasn't been a single night where Al hasn't woken up to a tug on her sleeve yet, Alicia has made a habit of seeking contact in the dead of night, as if it was somehow more acceptable than it would be by daylight. During the hours of the day they busy themselves, but Al knows that more often than not Alicia keeps close because she needs the company. Al doesn't mind, and she doesn't comment. She's thankful that her friend seems to be healing a little, as slow as it may be.
-
There's a night where it's too cold outside, even though it's Texas, the temperature in the van drops low enough, that Al can feel the hairs on her arms stand up as she shivers. Alicia doesn't even wake her up that night, she simply situates herself in Al's arms and falls back asleep. When the shorthaired woman wakes up it's to a strand of long hair tickling her face and a pair of surprisingly strong arms wrapped around her. The cold is still lingering in the air, but the shivers down her spine have nothing to do with the temperature and everything to do with the way her skin tingles when Alicia's breath hits the crook of her neck. She's slowly falling back asleep, wrapping her arms around the body next to her protectively, as well. She wonders if maybe this was just the change they needed.
-
Even after the cold is gone, Alicia doesn't even pretend she'll sleep on the bench anymore. Every night like clockwork she waits for Al to settle down and joins her as soon as she's ready to sleep. Every night like clockwork Al feels a little more content with this new routine of theirs. Who needs the rest of the world when they've got Alicia by their side? They've grown closer over the days, actually talking with each other now. Alicia hasn't told her much, but she's told Al enough that she knows that Alicia has nightmares about things that have happened.
One day they sit by the fire pit, a can of beans on it, per Alicia's request something other than ramen noodles needed to be put on the table for once. They talk about the places they've been, somewhere down the line Alicia starts talking about a ranch, a not quite ex – maybe, in another time he would have been her partner. She talks about death as if it's an old aquaintance, about torture, mistreatment and the information keeps spilling out of her as if she didn't know how to stop it from resurfacing. She takes a breath and quiets, the air still thrumming with her words of violence and threats, death and decay, markets in the new world and trades that cost lifes. Al listens, lends an ear and her heart breaks a little for the woman in front of her.
That night Al wakes up from feeling Alicia's body shake in her dreams. She's whispering, sputtering out sounds and all Al can think of doing is holding her close, so that she doesn't accidentally hurt herself as she flings her body around. She calms for a bit, but when Al wakes a few hours later it's to an exhausted looking Alicia sitting with her back to the bench, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs. Al quickly gets up and sits next to her, offers her hand, just like the first day. Alicia takes it, holding on as tightly as before, anchoring herself to reality by the palm of Al's hand. She drops her head down to Al's shoulder after a while, exhaustion taking over again as her breath evens out.
Al slowly maneuvers them into a horizontal position, taking her into her arms again. Alicia shifts until she's fully on top of her, head buried in Al's neck. Al's starting to become aware that this is a special kind of torture in and of itself, being so close to Alicia, unable to get a grip on herself. She's starting to lose the battle of supressing her emotions. As she's lying on the ground, pressed into the hard floor by the weight of Alicia's body she can't help but let a few tears of regret slide down her cheeks as well. She wonders if her brother would be proud of who she is now. She wonders if there had been any chance at all, that she could have been able to see him before all hell broke loose. She cries herself to sleep, willfully ignoring the fact that Alicia's breaths are too quick for a sleeping person, ignoring how the grip she has on Al tightens even more. She can't deal with change, she hates falling apart, but the walls she's built have started crumbling down.
-
There's a day where they head out to get the necessities, raiding the stores in the next city and driving back to their hide out spot as soon as they're done. None of them say it, but it's a weird sense of belonging that's filling the air as soon as the MRAP is parked again. Alicia heads down to the nearby river and gathers up some water as Al starts sorting the food into categories. Alicia had made sure there was things other than instant noodles, but there was only so many cans of vegetables and peaches they could take. Lowly humming to herself Al thought about the way her brother and her had sorted out the groceries after every trip to the supermarket. Their mother had always sorted the fridge, leaving the pantry to the kids. In a way she'd perfected the system of organizing items like that, using up as little space as possible. She really loathed the fact that the dam had broken, now memories and thoughts of her family started to invade her mind at all times. It was bittersweet, had her going from wistfully reminiscent to feeling like she'd been punched in the gut within seconds. It did seem to get easier to snap out of it though, so maybe that meant she was processing.
When Alicia returs it is to the sight of Al laying on the floor, enjoying the cool of the surface as the air is hot and dry as only Texas could be. Without a second thought the younger woman sits down and starts leaning back until she is laying next to Al, back pressed to the ground. She murmurs a soft greeting, getting one in return before she closes her eyes, lays her arms to rest at her sides and grasps for Al's hand by her side. When Al wraps her pinkie around her own she let out a content sigh and lets her thoughts still. Al smiles to herself, there's been some moments where she feels like she's healing. This is one of them.
-
There is a growing closeness to the two women in the van, more often than not they would be seeking out contact in one form or another. There were nights were Alicia still had nightmares, and on some days Al would find herself grieving everything she had lost, but the days got more and more rare. Soon there were longer periods of time between their bad days, more good than there were bad days and Al was starting to enjoy living like this, with Alicia by her side. They rarely saw walkers, and if they did it was a single one that could be taken out without any issues. The van is still by the treeline, and not a single living human has crossed their way yet.
-
There is a storm heading their way, the second one since they had stranded. For the first one they had hunkered down in the van, parking it between the biggest trees and hoping it would go over quickly. Al hadn't gotten any sleep, too worried about something going wrong, while Alicia had pretended to sleep as she shook slightly, laying on the bench. Now things are different, the dynamic has changed and so when the tornado hits Al finds herself searching for Alicia's comfort. She tugs on the girl's fingers and looks at her pleadingly. She hates storms, has done so ever since she was a kid. Alicia doesn't hesitate and crawls up to her, wrappping her up in a warm hug. Al still shivers, not even trying to conceal the anxiety running through her veins. She starts talking, about her childhood with her brother, how he had to stay with her when there was a thunderstorm because she was adamant that the lightning would strike, streight into her room. Alicia listens and rubs her back, and even though she's aware that she's disclosing more than she ever wanted to, talking helps and Alicia is a safe person to talk to. That thought sends an entirely different shiver down her spine.
It takes several hours for the storm to calm down, the winds are going strong and Al desperately wished she didn't have a front row seat to the view out the windshield, where twigs and branches, and even a lone walker get dragged by, hit against it, and leave her sight again. When the spook is over Alicia still doesn't let go, and Al is grateful. She holds on tighter as well, as exhaustion takes over and pulls her further into sleep. She's almost completely out when she feels Alicia tighten her hold a bit more, whispering a promise to keep her safe in her ear as she places a kiss on Al's ear. If she wasn't so worn out she would have thanked her, maybe returned the sentiment, that's her last thought as sleep takes her.
-
Al remembers the night, but she doesn't know what to do with it. She is currently ridding the van of fallen off branches from surrounding trees so that they could make a run for it, should the need arise. She knows better than to completely disregard the worry, but the chances are low, considering they've been staying in the same spot for several months now. Alicia helps her make a wall out of the branches, it's acting as a barrier to the part that's right next to the front doors, the most vulnerable. She finds it silly but Al is reminded of gardening and she tells Alicia as much, earning a string of laughter from the usually timid girl. She smiles to herself, finding it easier than it had been in a long time. It's silly really, but the time away has done them some good. She wonders if it's because she's not confronted with the real world anymore. Barely any walkers, no nefarious groups of people, there's not much of the new world that actually makes it through to their safe haven.
-
It's the first night in a while that Alicia's having a nightmare again, and Al finds herself more affected than ever. She can't seem to wake her up, her usual murmurs have turned into screams of despair and Al is barely keeping herself in check, begging for Alicia to wake up as she's lost in some horrible nightmare that's no doubt rooted in reality. It takes almost half an hour until Alicia wakes up, but when she does she is crying and so is Al. They look at each other, somehow there's an understanding there. Al wants to make it better and she doesn't know how, as so often these days. Alicia asks for anything, something to take her mind off of it. Her eyes drift low, down to her mouth as she tries to understand what Alicia means. When she looks back up Alicia is close, her nose almost touching Al's as she lets out a shaky breath. Alicia repeats herself, she needs a distraction - anything.
Al caves, leaning in and reaching up to bury her hand in Alicia's hair as the woman meets her halfway in a hurry. There's desparation in the way she kisses, the way her hands find their way to Al's sides and grip tightly, as if she would run. They kiss until there's no oxygen left in their lungs, only pulling apart for a few centimeters. Al can feel the wetness of tears cling to her skin, can taste the salt on her lips and she doesn't know whose tears they are. All she knows is that she's in too deep, there's flowers that have started sprouting in the cracks of her broken walls and she can't keep Alicia out. Alicia leans back, pulling Al with her, down onto the floor again. She kisses in a way that conveys the plead. She doesn't want to deal with the consequences right now, she needs to feel something else, so Al lets her. She gives in and lets her completely take charge. Alicia like this is scarier than any tornado, Al thinks to herself. She's as addictive as commanding and there's no way Al will get out of this night without a serious dependency issue.
-
It happens again, a few days later. They hadn't talked about it, hadn't kissed after going back to bed that night, but then Al has a bad day and Alicia's first instinct is to console her with a kiss, leaving Al sitting on the floor in stunned silence before she regains her wits and leans in to kiss her some more. It might be self destructive but it's making her feel better than not doing it, so Al decides that it's worth it. There's no talk after this one either, but this time Alicia stays close by afterwards. It's almost as if she's waiting for the other shoe to drop. She keeps close, holds her hand, cuddles during the day and talks more. Al doesn't have a really bad day for a while.
-
Somewhere down the line Al starts getting swept up in her feelings, unable to stop showing them. When they eat she hands Alicia the can with a kiss on her cheek, when they talk she can't help but keep contact. A hand on her hip, their pinkies entwined or their legs touching as they sit, she finds herself in those positions more often than not. Sometimes she looks at Alicia and she just know that the feelings are so obvious, she might as well scream it from the treetops – after all rooftops are hard to find in the middle of nowhere, Texas. She takes a little pride in the fact that Alicia only seems to be spurred on by her behaviour though. Where Al gives kisses on her cheek, she gives her ones on the nose, just because. Where Al searches for her hand, Alicia's hand seems to have taken up residence on her biceps more times than not when they're up and about, and where Al is holding Alicia close during the night, her hands have started disregarding personal boudries during her sleep, as her hands always end up under Al's shirts.
-
Al wakes up to Alicia tossing around again for the first time in weeks. She's breathing heavily, whimpers leaving her throat and Al whishes that Alicia could find some peace for once in her life, without being haunted by her past. When a low moan catches in Alicia's throat Al's eyes fly open, usually the girl is not one to moan. She hugs her tighter to herself and leaves a kiss on her neck as she tries to calm her down. When Alicia presses down onto her leg a second later her eyes fly open again, this time for an entirely different reason. Her mind is starting to put the information together, and she ends up realizing that no, Alicia is not having a nightmare. Another moan rumbles through the van, Alicia's hips keep grinding into her leg and her breathing is getting out of control. Al is absolutely lost on how to react. When her name falls off Alicia's lips in a hushed whisper she stops breathing for a second. She can't leave Alicia asleep like this, she really hates it but she will have to wake her up.
-
They don't talk about it, but it starts happening more often. There is a week where Al wakes up with a sweaty, whimpering Alicia in her lap almost every night and she's starting to feel like it might be a special form of torture. Because every time the girl wakes up she's bashful and just tells her to go back to sleep. It's not until Alicia starts waking herself up in the middle of her nightly fits that things change. Al has taken to lowly cursing under her breath, but when Alicia moves her leg to press into her pelvis accidentally, Al can't help the whimper that escapes. Within seconds Alicia's head shoots up, wide eyes meeting hers. Al knows she's just as flushed as Alicia is and when Alicia shifts her weight a little, making her press more firmly onto her lower stomach, Al's eyes flutter close in an attempt to downplay her arousal. It doesn't work, the next thing she knows is Alicia pressing down into her pelvis again, this time on purpose, and Al can't keep the whimper inside. She knows if this continues she's not going to survive, at least she's not going to be able to sleep, with the constant urge to combust lingering in the back of her mind.
Alicia grins to herself, reaching down to Al and kissing her deeply in response. Al clings to her, holds on tightly and kisses back with all the passion that's been building up over the past weeks. They don't go any further than that, but Al can't help but think that maybe a makeout session with Alicia Clark is the solution to post-apocalyptic trauma.
-
They kiss now, it doesn't matter if it's day or night anymore, it's not even under the guise of gratitude for a meal or a particularly nice gesture, they just do. Alicia has become somewhat of a force to be reckoned with, at times she just runs up and kisses Al senseless, and all the woman can do is steady her legs and hold on for dear life, because she still hasn't gotten used to it. There's no words spoken, but both of them understand that this has become something else, something different from what it was before. There's soft touches, rough kisses, days spent raiding stores and building a place for themselves. The wall of fallen branches turns into a shower corner, where the hang up a bucket that they fill with the water from the nearby stream and the rest of the world is forgotten.
-
There is a moment when Al starts taking the initiative, kissing Alicia after they've laid down on the cool floor on a particularly hot day again. She lets her hands wander and she can't help but start exploring more and more of Alicia, finding the younger woman joining her soon enough. Al can feel her heartbeat straining against her ribs, beating strong and fast as she runs her hands over Alicia's sides down to her ass. There's a content sigh against her lips that encourages her to continue, and soon enough she finds herself unable to stop. She parts their lips and starts trailing kisses down Alicia's neckline, until she meets her cleavage, finding Alicia softly running her hands over her own stomach and softly pushing up her shirt. Without much thought Al takes off her shirt, finding Alicia doing the same a few moments later.
There's a pause in movement as they both process what this means, but it only results in an eager smile from Alicia's side. Al can't control her facial features anymore, she's painfully turned on and she has no intention of stopping if Alicia doesn't want to. In a split second decision she guides her hands to the clasp of Alicia's bra, stopping to give her a questioning look. All she receives is an eager nod before she works her fingers around the clasp and lets the garment fall down. There's something to be said about the trust they've built, because even though it's new and exciting, it isn't scary to be this vulnerable anymore.
It takes a while, but after some time they are both lying on the ground naked, surrounded by hastily pushed aside clothes they had worn before. Al can't stop her hands from gliding through Alicia's hair, she loves the feeling and she knows Alicia gives a tiny shudder every time she does it. Her other hand runs down the girls sides, alternating between ghosting her fingers until Alicia arches into the touch and putting firm pressure in places that make her moan. Their bodies move against each other, the pace growing more and more intense as Alicia sneaks her hand down Al's back until she has a tight grip on her backside. A low rumble leaves Al's throat and Alicia hums to herself, pleased and turned on by the sound. She whispers soft reassurences and somehow it's everything that was still missing. Al replies, in between kisses and gasps that grow more and more frantic. When she stops to look Alicia in the eyes for a second they sparkle with an intensity she hasn't encountered yet.
Alicia is like a wildfire and Al really can't help herself under her hands, spreading fire through her body with every inch of skin that is touched. When Alicia grows more demanding she starts thinking that maybe here's more to be had, maybe she's missing out on something and she can't bare the thought, she's taken over by her desire for Alicia in such an intense way that she can't help but ache for anything in reach. She puts her arms tightly aroung the younger woman and flips them over in a single move. Alicia gasps before grinding onto her thigh more intensely. Al slides her fingers down the curve of her stomach until she meets soft hairs, making Alicia whine. She doesn't get to asking her, because Alicia takes hold of her hand and pushes it lower and lower. Al can't help but feel a sense of wonder when she meets wetness and Alicia's hips stutter upwards for a second.
She slowly runs her middle finger through the wetness, not putting too much pressure on it. It results in more gasps and whines, making her heart beat faster. She pushes a little further as hips meet her, eagerly joining her and sets a slow pace. After a while she pulls back her hand from bucking hips and slowly runs it up Alicia's body, leaving a trail of wetness in her wake. Alicia's breathing is ragged when she lifts the finger to her mouth and wraps her lips around it with a tiny smirk. Alicia gasps when a guttural moan escapes Al as she licks her finger clean. Al revels in the taste for a little, smiling as she can feel Alicia grinding into her again, her hand trailing down to Al's wetness as she does so.
There's a moment where Al feels like floating, when Alicia's fingers run along the wet lips up to her clit, she starts pushing onto them in hopes of actually getting to feel more of them. She can't help but grasp into Alicia's hair, letting herself get swooped up in the feelings coursing through her body. It's a gradual change but soon another finger joins the first and Al is sure she can't take this for much longer when Alicia softly runs her thumb over Al's clit and she sees stars. She can feel it like a wave sweeping her up as she tries to hold on to reality, an orgasm crashing over her with an intensity she hasn't experienced in a long time. Her walls tremble around long, nimble fingers as her own seek for an anchor. She realizes that she's shaking from the intensity of it as Alicia slowly brings her down, running her fingers through her folds with barely any pressure until she rests her hand on Al's pelvis. Al's breathing is ragged, her mind is light and her muscles lose. She looks down at Alicia and kisses her deeply, trying to keep in the confession on the tip of her tongue.
After she's recovered a bit she realizes that Alicia is still subtly grinding onto her thigh. She smiles to herself, kisses the girl deeply and then slowly starts making her way down her neckline, down her torso until she meets her pubic hair. With soft question on the lips the moves lower, meets earger hips and brings her hands to meet them, keeping them in place. When she looks up to check if everything is still okay with Alicia, she meets dark pupils and an unmistakeable expression of want, maybe of need. She lowers her mouth, still not moving her eyes away from Alicia's, running her tongue over her folds with a content sigh. Alicia's mouth drops open and Al decides that she won't need to look down, she wants to keep her eyes on the ones of woman below her, the way her stomach tenses, her chest rises and falls as she strains against the hands keeping her hips still. There's a moment of reverence, and Al thinks that if this isn't a religious experience, she's never experienced a true moment of awe in her life.
It's a game of cat and mouse, Al wants to watch her fall apart, but at the same time she wants it to last. So she builds her up and then brings her down, builds her up, only to stop and switch to move one of her hands to join. Alicia is vocal, she's moaning when she's close and whimpering when Al lets up, by the point Al is ready to give in Alicia starts pleading at her to continue and somewhere inside her she knows that maybe that's what she was waiting for. She promises her, she won't leave her hanging – and she doesn't. Instead she builds and builds it up until Alicia's back is arched, her muscles clenched and taut like the string on a bow. She's whispering to herself, Al can hear it, hear the sweet nothings that leave her mouth.
When she comes undone around Al, the woman stays exactly where she has been, her mouth on Alicia's clit, a finger softly curling towards her G-spot and her eyes locked with Alicia's, even when they roll to the back of her head as thighs clamp down around her head and hips start to buckle uncontrollably. There's silence in Al's head, she can see Alicia, can feel and taste her, but she can only hear her own blood rushing in her ears, the thighs still firmly in place. After a few seconds Alicia comes down from her high and Al slowly starts retreating, pulling her fingers out and giving a light kiss to Alicia's clit before she moves away, earning herself a little buck of hips. She pressses a kiss to her thighs and then slowly makes her way upwards, meeting a heavy lidded Alicia with a soft kiss. She pulls away and mischevously pulls her hand up, wiggling her eyebrows a little as she lifts her fingers up to her mouth again, tasting Alicia with a content grin on her lips. Alicia giggles in response and shakes her head incredulously, making Al join in, until laughter is filling the van.
-
There is a new lightness in the air, the MRAP is starting to become an actual home, despite the heavy machinery and the multitude of weapons it has become a safe haven. Al knows that a year ago she had felt like the world was ending, she had lost her humanity along with her empathy and the only way she'd gotten it back was Alicia. Fore some reason Alicia had always called to her humanity, always made her question her empathy – even back then. Now their dynamic had changed, irrevocably. Even though the world is terrible, Al finds herself living, enjoying every day.
There is something to be said about the small victories in life and Al had never expected that her victory would start with crumbling down and building herself up from the ground. There was no need for walls to protect herself in her personal life anymore, Alicia was the only one she interacted with and she trusted her implicitly. She knew that some day they would have to meet people again, but for now both of them chose their exile over that. They had grown and changed, but the fundament needed to strengthen before they would go back out into the world. Until then there is a home, in an MRAP, in the middle of nowhere, Texas, where two once broken people learned to embrace life again.