Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The day Erwin’s life is turned upside down is surprisingly boring before he gets the call. He shifts his weight from one foot to another. To say that he is nervous is an understatement. He stares at the tiny slit of glass on the familiar door and sees the shadow behind it coming closer. The door opens before he can brush away the blond strand of hair that fell into his face a mere second ago. In front of him stands Kuchel Ackerman, proud 5-foot, thick jet-black hair, and the kindest eyes Erwin has ever seen. They are accompanied by the usual eyebags that unpreventably come when you’re a nurse working 12-hour shifts but at the moment Erwin thinks they are even darker than usual.

“Hi,” he greets her with a smile, an honest one.

She smiles back. “Hey, I’m sorry if you had different plans for today.”

It doesn’t happen often that his boyfriend’s mother calls Erwin, only when she wants to know if her son is with him or when her son doesn’t answer his phone. Then she calls Erwin. But today Erwin wasn’t with his boyfriend when Kuchel called, in fact, he hasn’t seen him at all since yesterday afternoon at school where his boyfriend left hastily with a worried expression on his face. Today he didn’t come to school, texted Erwin he was sick when he asked what was wrong. So naturally, when Kuchel called him on his way home from school and asked if there had been an argument between her son and Erwin because her son was behaving weirdly, Erwin got nervous. He told Kuchel they hadn’t had an argument, that actually everything had been nearly perfect between them the past few weeks. Kuchel asked if he could come over then because her son wouldn’t say what was wrong and so Erwin, the born overthinker, began to worry. Kuchel isn’t a mother who overreacts often, she is quite laid back and would never call if she didn’t seriously see a problem. This small poisonous rivulet has turned into a full river by the time he arrived in front of the petite but beautiful Ackerman house. His legs shook on the bus and while he was waiting for the train he couldn’t sit still. Mike asked him what was wrong, Hange as well. While Moblit and Nanaba stayed awfully quiet. They are closer to his boyfriend and it scares Erwin that they didn’t seem surprised by his jitteriness. Now that he’s walking up the stairs to his room, he doesn’t know what to feel anymore. He’s mostly overwhelmed. He softly knocks at the door, not that it is necessary, his boyfriend has made a habit out of walking in Erwin’s room without announcing himself first. The reason for multiple small embarrassing stories that are told in their friend group. But since his boyfriend once told him that he likes the way Erwin knocks, as if he was respecting the door, Erwin knocks every time. Erwin laughed at that but secretly still finds it adorable.

“Mama, please leave. I don’t really want to talk right now,” comes the voice from inside.

Erwin has known his boyfriend since the day he moved and went to a new school in year seven, he knows when he is around just by the smell of his laundry detergent, he knows when he’s upset by the way he becomes even more quiet than usual. Some people say his boyfriend is rude or mean, speaks his mind without thinking, acts overdefensive, but the truth is that when something truly upsets him he goes to that to Erwin unknown place in his head, he stops listening, begins to detach from reality and doesn’t defend himself at all. Erwin knows when he is happy because he looks away and tries everything not to look as such because for some odd reason he seems to think it’s embarrassing. He knows that when he blushes only his ears do, or when he’s nervous he begins to pick the skin around his fingernails. And right now, by the tone of his voice, Erwin knows he’s crying.

“Levi, it’s me.”

He can hear a quiet rumble from inside the room before there are steps.

“What are you doing here?”

“Can you open the door?”

“No.”

Erwin knows when Levi says things but means the opposite.

“What’s wrong, Lee? It’s nothing we can’t talk about.”

There is a key turning in the lock and the door is slowly pulled open. Erwin can only see Levi’s side profile, his eyes are covered by his bangs but what he immediately notices, despite the hair, are the tears.

“Hey,” Levi says quietly, still not looking at Erwin.

“Can I come in?”

Levi nods and closes the door behind Erwin.

“Did my mum call you?”

Erwin sees no point in lying. “Yes.”

Levi nods again. His gaze shifts over his desk where his homework and folders lie, neatly organised, alphabetically and with colours before it falls on the dustbin and then there is a supressed sob coming from Levi’s throat.

“Hey, hey.” Erwin leads Levi to his bed. It’s not made meaning Levi lied in it before Erwin came. “Come here, sit down.” There always is a second blanket on Levi’s bed during the day that covers his real one and Levi always makes sure it’s there before people sit down on his bed with their clothing from outside. They sit down on the mattress without the cover blanket, Erwin doesn’t think it matters right now.

Levi doesn’t always like to be touched but it’s the most complicated when he’s feeling vulnerable. It’s hard to tell because then he either wants to be entirely left alone or hugged as if there was no tomorrow. Erwin doesn’t know which scenario applies to the current situation, so he carefully places his hand on Levi’s knee and squeezes it briefly.

“You’re not sick, are you?” Erwin states the obvious.

“I’m not.”

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

Levi shudders and more tears fall down on his shirt. Erwin can’t see their source as Levi’s hair is still in front of his eyes. He leans over and lifts his hand to wipe away the tears or at least to cup his face but Levi turns away.

“Please don’t.”

Erwin draws his hand back. It sounds odd but he actually appreciates it when Levi tells him to stop things. It shows that he’s still comfortable voicing his opinion around Erwin.

“You don’t have to talk to me,” Erwin continues when Levi doesn’t say anything else. “You can talk to your mum or Nana or Mob if you want to.”

Levi clenches his jaw. “Nana and Mob already know.”

Erwin doesn’t know if what he is feeling is jealousy. It’s stingy and tastes like acid but he doesn’t believe that his boyfriend is obligated to tell him everything. On the contrary, he thinks it’s important that they both have other people they rely on, other people they can trust and talk to.

Levi takes a shaky breath. “And I have to tell you.”

That takes him aback. It’s phrased like something concerning Erwin too, probably their relationship. And that’s when his thoughts begin to run. Levi wouldn’t cheat, no. Never. Is he unhappy? With Erwin? With their relationship? Did Erwin do something wrong? Did he hurt Levi? Did someone else hurt Levi? Did someone die? Levi’s grandma? His uncle? His cat? But why would Levi have to tell him that? Does Levi think Erwin cheated? No, Levi would never think that.

“But I don’t think I can.”

Another supressed sound, another tear, Levi presses his hand over his mouth to prevent the noises from coming out. Levi seldom cries, almost never. He’s shaking like a leaf, like the stray cat they found at the side of the street that one winter three years ago.

“Lee,” Erwin pleads. You’re worrying me, frightening me. He doesn’t know what he is asking for. Tell me? Don’t tell me? Stop? Instead, he settles on “look at me.”

Levi does. His eyes are bloodshot, redder than the ones of the stoner kids hanging out on that one playground during night. His lashes are shining the way lashes shine when someone cried. His eyebrows are drawn together, and he looks full of – yes, guilt.

“I’m…”

“It’s alright, whatever it is, we can fix it.”

“I don’t think we can fix this.”

“We will, I promise.”

Levi looks away again. He’s ashamed, Erwin realises. Levi is ashamed a lot and Erwin can’t stand that. He’s ashamed of the way he looks, the way he sounds, the way he smiles, the way he talks. All those things Erwin loves about Levi.

Levi mumbles something in his shoulder.

Sometimes being with him is like trying to lure a shy cat out of the apparently safe darkness of a by human hands unreachable place.

“I didn’t quite catch that, Lee.”

“I’m pregnant, Erwin.”

Erwin reacts positively to pressure. He functions when it’s required. Before exams he’s jittery and nervous but the moment they start he’s focused and concentrated and this state of mind only stops when the exam is finished, handed in and lying on the teacher’s desk. He is the fastest swimmer in their team and the last position in their relay team, everybody relies on him, their victory as well as their school’s status are determined by the way he performs, and some assume he isn’t nervous before exams and competitions. Fuck, he is. But when it starts he can blend that out, he can concentrate on winning only. Even under this huge amount of pressure.

He can’t right now.

The perfect boyfriend would be happy, would hug Levi now, would support him and assure that everything is fine. But it isn’t. Nothing is. Levi is fifteen, Erwin is sixteen, they go to school, Levi is in a band, Erwin in the swimming team, Levi wants to start with the t-shots when he turns sixteen in less than a month, he’s already saving money for his surgery, they all are. Kuchel, Erwin, Mike, Nana, Mob, Hanji. They want to give it to him on his eighteenth birthday.

Pregnant.

Erwin stares at Levi.

A thousand words run through his head and the voice inside him is screaming at him to pull himself together.

“Since when do you know?” He can’t take the shock out of his voice.

“I’ve been several months overdue,” Levi begins. It’s not unusual, Levi is often overdue. Sometimes weeks, sometimes a few months. He’s been to the gynaecologist several times who only recommended taking birth control to get it under control. But Levi didn’t want to take the pill for the widely known reasons but also because it contains oestrogen which doesn’t go well with testosterone. Erwin supported him in this simply because it has always been Levi’s decision. They used condoms and so far that worked but… “and I – I didn’t think a lot about it but after six months I started to worry because it’s never been this long and so I asked Nana yesterday and she, she told me it’d be better to buy a test and because she didn’t have any time I asked Mob because I – I think I was scared to buy one myself and when I came home I took it and it was…” Levi sobs loudly and squeezes his eyes shut. “I asked him to buy four more.”

“They’re all positive?”

Levi nods.

Erwin has many more questions but before he asks them he leans forward and pulls Levi into a tight embrace. This time Levi doesn’t turn away so Erwin cups the back of his head and runs his fingers through the silky black hair. He wants to tell Levi that everything is going to be fine but he doesn’t want to lie. They stay like that for a while until Erwin pulls back and looks in Levi’s eyes again.

“What are you planning to do now?”

“Going to the doctor, I guess.”

“And if she confirms what the tests say?”

Levi picks his skin and Erwin reaches out to stop him. The skin around his nails is already ripped.

“I’m not sure. I’d ask if… if I could…”

“If it was still possible, would you take abortion into consideration?”

Another shudder goes through Levi’s body before he says “yes.” He glances up at Erwin and Erwin hopes he’s overinterpreting the fear in his eyes. “D-does that make me a bad person?”

Erwin feels the lump in the back of his throat and the tears in his eyes. He pulls Levi close again. “No. No, it doesn’t.” He waits a moment before he speaks up again. “You said six months?”

“Uh huh.”

“I don’t know if… if abortion is still an option, Lee.”

Levi freezes between his arms. “You think – oh.”

“Let’s not make any assumptions before the doctor says what we can do, yes?”

“What would you want?”

“What?”

“Would you want to keep it? It’s yours too.”

“I – I don’t know,” Erwin says honestly. “Can I see?” He asks quietly.

He’s often seen Levi’s belly, he’s often seen Levi naked, he’s often ran his finger over Levi’s skin and just felt him. He has seen Levi naked in the past few weeks as well and yes, he did notice that he gained some weight but that isn’t anything negative because Levi is so skinny that would only have been healthy. No, but he didn’t gain enough weight to make him look pregnant.

Levi lifts his oversized shirt up to his binder and Erwin lays his hand on his belly. It doesn’t really feel or look different than usual. That’s weird. There’s only a very small bump that could be mistaken for a slightly bloated belly. When there is a knock on the door Erwin removes his hand the moment Levi drops his shirt.

“Boys, are you okay?” Kuchel asks through the door.

The look in Levi’s eyes is pure panic.

“Yes,” Erwin answers and strokes the back of Levi’s shaking hand with his fingertips.

“I made manti with mint-yoghurt dip, do you wanna come down and eat?”

“Yes, we’ll be there in a few minutes.”

When Kuchel is gone Erwin clears his throat. “We have to talk to your mum.”

Levi shakes his head. “No, I can’t.”

“Lee, no one could’ve known that the condom would rip or whatever happened. We’ll go through this together. But we have to tell her.”

Kuchel is the woman Erwin would rather call his mother than the woman who gave birth to him. She immigrated to the UK when she was eight together with her older brother who was only seventeen. The rest of her family stayed in Lebanon. She learnt English, went to school and eventually to nursing school. She met Levi’s father Jack who was a carpenter through her brother when she was seventeen. Erwin only knows the man from very few blurry tags of memories, but he knows that he treated Kuchel like a goddess. When she was nineteen, she became pregnant on accident, but Jack’s family and her brother Kenny supported the two. Together they moved in this house and raised Levi until he was ten. Then Jack died at the age of 33 because of a heart attack. No one really knew why since his lifestyle wasn’t even close to unhealthy, so it must’ve been something genetical.

Erwin doesn’t think Kuchel won’t accept them since she got pregnant with Levi when she was younger as well. Nineteen and fifteen are a difference, though.

“I’m sorry,” Levi whispers into the crook of Erwin’s neck.

“Shh, don’t be sorry, Lee. There is nothing you have to apologise for.”

When they tell her Levi’s mother needs a moment. They tell her after they are finished with eating before they do the dishes. She’ll drive Levi and Erwin to the doctor’s the next day, she’s mostly supportive as she’s always been since the day four-year-old Levi came to her and told her he felt uncomfortable in his body – they’ve always had a close connection, she was the one who bought him his first binder. Yes, shocked but utterly supportive.

Erwin already knows that his parents will react differently when he comes home. Or better, his mother. His father is working abroad like he does most of the year, he’s an archologist. His mother is a lawyer but it’s not the long hours that create the difference between them, it’s mostly that she doesn’t particularly seem to care about her child. Erwin has often thought about it, thought that maybe he’s just perceiving it this way but after over five years of observation he’s come to the conclusion that they are related trough nothing more than blood. He’s certain that if she had a job with lots of free time, she’d still not spend it with her son since his father is literally at the other side of the world and Erwin and he still manage it to talk nearly every day and establish a healthy relationship. Erwin’s dad was happy for him when Erwin told him he’d met a boy named Levi and that they had become friends. When he told him that he’d slowly started to be interested in his friend on a different level his father helped him understand his thoughts and feelings. He was even more happy when Erwin told him that they had started dating.

Erwin’s mother on the other hand only knew Levi was his boyfriend after they had been in a relationship for some time. To his explanation that Levi was trans she only reacted with a shrug. And he can’t talk to his dad at the moment because he’s at work somewhere in South Africa meaning he needs to talk to his mother first. Erwin knocks at the door to her bureau and waits patiently. After very long twenty seconds there is a response.

“Yes?”

Erwin opens the door. “I have to talk to you.”

His mother looks up from her computer. Objectively she’d be considered conventionally attractive in western beauty standards. Tall, slim, blonde, blue-eyed, tanned with a gorgeous smile. Her parents, Erwin’s grandparents live in Sweden. Erwin doesn’t know why she stayed in England since he’s been to Sweden a few times.

“I’m working.”

“It’s six pm. And it’s important.”

She sighs. “Is this really necessary right now, Erwin?”

He clenches his jaw. “Yes.”

For a moment he thinks she’ll just look back at her computer but then she stands up and signalises him to follow her downstairs.

“I thought you had football training,” she says as she sits down on one of the chairs at the kitchen table. Erwin sits down next to her.

“I swim. And no, it’s Tuesday. Training is on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.”

“Oh.” She doesn’t sound sorry.

Erwin thinks it’s the best way to just say it without talking around the topic too much.

“Levi is pregnant.”

He likes to talk himself into believing that he doesn’t care about her or her opinion but in reality, he does. A lot. He just wants her to listen, he just desperately wants a mother who cares. About him, not his image.

When she doesn’t answer is palms begin to sweat.

“Pardon me?”

“Levi is pregnant,” he repeats through gritted teeth.

Erwin feels the burning sting her hand leaves on his right cheek before he registers he’s been hit. Tears fill his eyes and he hates himself for it. It’s not even just the pain, it’s the constant rejection.

“You told me Levi is your boyfriend.”

“He is.”

“Tell me then how did you manage it to get him pregnant?”

“I told you he’s trans,” Erwin says and can’t take the accusing tone out of his voice.

“And I still thought he was your boyfriend. As far as I’ve been informed gay sex works differently.”

“I –”

 “Did you think that just because he feels like a boy, he can’t get pregnant or what? I didn’t think you would be so fucking stupid.”

His mother rarely curses.

“I’m not stupid!” He feels like a fucking child.

“Apparently you are. I accept a lot, Erwin. I accept you saying you like guys, I accept whatever is going on with this boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, of yours. But this, this is one step too far. If you keep insisting that Levi is a boy then tell me, why the fuck the two of you don’t have gay sex? And if you must have normal sex then why are you too stupid to use protection?!”

Erwin feels the anger boiling hot inside of him. He could start the ‘what is normal’ conversation with her now but he doesn’t think he has the nerve for it and it’s neither his focus in the current situation.

“We use protection! Fuck, what do you think of us, it just happened as if we have any fault in that.”

The second slap hurts as much as the first one and is reaching its purpose in making Erwin feel humiliated.

“I don’t care what you do in your free time as long as there are no heavy consequences. And you even manage it to fail me in such a simple task.”

Erwin stares at the floor between his feet.

“And what do you and Levi plan to do now?”

“We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow. Then we’ll see.”

His mother sighs and leans back in her chair. Erwin considers feeling sorry for her but then he remembers what she said about Levi a mere minute ago and decides that he likes feeling anger towards her better. She presses her palm against her temple.

“Is an abortion possible?”

“Probably not, no.”

She is silent for a moment. Erwin can practically hear her think.

“Alright, we’ll provide Levi’s family with enough financial aid and then we can get you out of this affair as fast as possible so you can go on with your life.”

“I’m sorry?”

“We are going to give the Ackerman family a huge sum of money so they leave you alone and you can get rid of this problem,” she says slowly and pronounces every word overarticulately as if he was a toddler.

“I’m not going to leave him.”

“Erwin, this is more than your apparently everlasting soulmate teen romance. This is destroying your life. Are you aware of that?”

“I’m not going to leave him alone in this.”

His cheek burns again. There even is a faint echo of the sound her palm makes on his face.

“Do you even know what you are saying? Your entire carrier, your life, everything down the drain for your fist relationship. Do you know how many times feelings change? This won’t last, give it another year or two without a child and the two of you would’ve broken up at the latest when you went to university anyway, if not even earlier. But this, do you know how this looks? To possible employers? On your CV? A father with sixteen! Your entire reputation is fucked with this, your life stained. It’s a broken inkwell on a white sheet of paper. I will not tolerate that my son throws away his life like this. For the stupid and naive thought that this is the love of your life. Do you know how this looks not only to workplaces but to personal affairs as well? Your grandparents? Your cousins? Your aunts and uncles? Do you so desperately want to make us the family that failed with everything you do? The family they talk about during birthday parties? You and your queer little romance that you had with sixteen.”

Erwin feels like there is an entire roll of gaff tape wrapped around his mouth. He tries to say something but there is nothing leaving his parted lips.

“With this you’re going to make our family the official failure within my and your father’s relatives. This is not the right place for your misperceived poor concept of honour. The family of your – of Levi will be happy with our financial support and that will make them forget about the fact that you aren’t even there anymore. This is how humans work.”

Erwin stands up and the chair scratches over the parkette.

“No.”

“Er-”

“No! It’s my fucking child and I don’t care what employers or neighbours or your colleagues or some relatives that I’ve only seen two times in my entire life think about me. I am going to support Levi, fully. Financially and emotionally and you can’t stop me.”

With that he storms upstairs and locks himself in his room. He’s so angry that he has to restrain himself from throwing valuable things in his room at the wall. For a moment he considers calling Levi but his boyfriend probably has his own problems and discussion going on right now so the only thing making sense to Erwin is skyping his father. After the third ring the call is accepted.

“Hey, Erwin,” his dad greets him. His face is pixilated and in the background Erwin can make out the inside of a tent.

“Hi,” Erwin says quietly.

“Sorry I didn’t know you’d call. The connection is kind of bad right now since we left the main research building and went out to – Erwin? Are you crying?”

Erwin has held it in the entire time. From the moment Levi told him – no, even from the moment Kuchel called him – over his mother’s harsh lecture until now. The tears were in his eyes several times but they didn’t leave them. Until now. Until he sees the pure smile of his father who is happy to see and talk to him. Around whom he doesn’t have to worry and pretend that he’s already an adult when he’s struggling so much not to drown in the flood of events, news and problems.

Erwin wipes the tear away with the sleeve of his sweater. It’s one his dad gave him to Christmas last year. It’ll probably forever remind him of this day.

“Something happened,” Erwin says between his tears. “Levi, he…” Erwin can’t finish the sentence.

His father’s surprised expression turns into a worried one. His eyes soften. “Did you fight?”

Erwin shakes his head. He wishes they did, a simple fight would be so easy at the moment.

“Levi,” Erwin takes a deep breath, “Levi is pregnant.”

His father’s eyes widen, his eyebrows lift, and his hand covers his opened mouth. Erwin’s dad knows Levi and Erwin are sleeping with each other. While his mother made it a taboo-topic his dad properly educated him on consent and protection, and he helped Erwin make important steps in his relationship with Levi. Whenever Erwin had a question he could ask his father who would answer it. So, yes he knows they are sleeping with each other. It’s not like Erwin immediately called after their first time and told his dad, it was more that he just noticed after a while and Erwin didn’t see any reason why he should lie when his dad asked him about it.

“I – I swear it just happened, we used condoms and I never wanted it to happen and it was a huge shock to Levi too and now I don’t know what to do because it’s very unlikely that abortion is still possible and Levi isn’t even sure if he’d want to abort and I’m not as well and mother says I should leave him and that we’ll give Kuchel money and then the situation is dealt with but I don’t want to leave Levi and I don’t want to send him any bribe money and –”

“Shh, calm down,” his dad says soothingly. “One step at a time. Are you sure he’s pregnant or are you maybe overinterpreting things?”

“He took five tests. All are positive.”

“Does Levi want an abortion, do you want one?”

“Levi is considering it and I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’ll support whatever Levi does. I don’t think either of us is ready for a child but if he decides to keep it, I’ll try my best.”

“And why did you say that it’s probably impossible?”

“Because Levi’s been overdue for about six months.”

“Oh.”

Erwin presses his lips together.

“And what was that about your mother?”

“She told me to leave Levi so he and the child wouldn’t get in my way. She said we’d provide a financial compensation but I don’t want that.”

“Look, nothing like that is going to happen, okay? You don’t have to leave Levi and I’d insist that you don’t even if you wanted to. It’s the responsibility of the two of you.”

Erwin nods.

They talk for a while. Erwin tells his dad about the doctor’s appointment the next day, his dad calms him down and reassures that they will work this out together and he promises to talk to his wife. They talk until late at night, it’s almost midnight when they hang up and Erwin is a little less nervous and anxious but still sleeplessly rolling around half of the night.

“Where the fuck is he then?” Kenny’s voice is loud and full of rage.

“He’s on his way.” Kuchel answers annoyed.

“If this stupid fuck even considers thinking that this isn’t his problem –”

“Stop blaming Erwin for this!” Levi shouts.

“What? He ain’t the one who knocked you up?”

“No –”

“Then it indeed is his fuckin fault. Probably talked you into pullin out or sum shit like that.”

“He didn’t –”

“Did ya know I’m 43? I have more experience than you two shitheads together and the best thing is that I’m a guy too. That means I know exactly what is goin on in ya prince charming’s head.”

“You know nothing about what is going on in Erwin’s head,” Kuchel intervenes.

Erwin doesn’t think there really is a thing as objective truth. Still, he likes the concept of such, he likes telling the truth or at least telling what he believes is the truth. And he doesn’t like purposely overhearing other peoples’ private conversations even if you could say that in this case he very much is part of that conversation. It’s not his fault that the kitchen window is partly opened and it’s not his fault that no one heard it when he rang the doorbell.

“I told you Kuchel, no boyfriend before eighteen would be the best. Look at him, he’s a fuckin child! With fifteen you’re supposed to play at playgrounds or build Lego castles. It’s fuckin illegal, Levi is fifteen he isn’t even allowed to have sex. And his boyfriend is sixteen, we could report him to the police for that!”

“Let me raise my own child! Erwin is a good friend of our family and has been a good boyfriend to Levi the whole time, Levi himself can choose whether he’s ready for that or not. We’re not gonna do anything with the police.”

Kenny ignores her statement. “And you Levi, I told you to be careful. I told you that if you have to have a boyfriend at that age the two of you are fuckin careful and you did the exact opposite. How the fuck do you think your mum is going to finance this? Do you think that rich lawyer mummy will want to support you in this? Do you really think she wants her son to be a teen dad? It kills his bloody good reputation and this woman won’t want that. If we take this to court, he’ll be on the Sex Offenders Register, do you understand what that fuckin means?”

Erwin freezes. He didn’t think about that yet. The age of consent is sixteen and Levi, well, Levi is fifteen and Erwin is not. It’s not fair, they’ve known each other for years and it’s December and Levi said it’s been about six months meaning that when it happened they had both been fifteen as Erwin turned sixteen in October. Is it illegal then? Will Erwin get into problems because of this?

“Kenny stop scaring him.”

“We were careful!”

Erwin thinks it’s time to ring the doorbell again. This time it is heard and of course the person to open the door is Levi’s uncle Kenny. He gulps.

“Hello.”

“You’re late.”

It’s 3.30. Kuchel told him to be here at 3.40 since school ends at 3.15 and he might want to change but Erwin came here directly from school still in his uniform. He called training off, not that it’s really important anyway. But he doesn’t think it’s the right time to discuss that with Kenny.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, yeah, I fuckin bet you are.”

“Leave him alone.” Kuchel comes up behind her brother and shoves him away so Erwin can come inside. “Levi is just getting ready and then we can go.”

“Here,” Erwin hands her a folder with several organised papers, “what we did in school today. I thought Levi might want to catch up when he has time.”

“Of fuckin course. As if this is his problem right now.”

“I said leave him alone. Thank you honey, I’ll give it to him later.”

Kenny scoffs but stays quiet and listens to his sister. Their dynamic has always been interesting to Erwin, he’s the one with the big, loud mouth but in the end, he listens to Kuchel like a puppy. When Levi comes down the stairs he glares at his uncle. He is wearing one of Erwin’s sweaters that look enormous on him as he is a little shorter than his mother and Erwin is about 6-foot. They’ll both still grow but Erwin doesn’t think Levi will ever be taller than 5’5 unless he has a sudden unexpected growth spurt. The sweater feels like statement to Erwin and Levi looks gorgeous in it with his combined with his ripped jeans and his standard jewellery.

Together with Kuchel they drive to the gynaecologist, Kenny stays at Levi and Kuchel’s home for everyone’s nerves. Levi doesn’t want his mother in the room with the doctor, only his boyfriend. Erwin guesses he’s embarrassed but it’s his choice and Kuchel doesn’t seem to be offended, in the end she knows her child better than anyone else. The doctor acts professionally, asks if all the current data in the system is up to date. Birthday, genetic history, previous illnesses, mental health and so on. Levi answers all of them in a monotonous voice. Then they measure his height, weight and blood pressure and the assistant leaves the room to ask Kuchel things about her pregnancy.

“Now we need to ask a few more personal questions. Your mother said it’s been about six months since your last menstruation, can you name the exact date?”

Erwin rubs his thumb over Levi’s palm under the table.

“May 24^th to May 28^th.”

“Do you contracept with a calendar or make use of one to date your sexual intercourse?”

“No.”

“So you don’t know the exact date of conception?”

“Yes.”

“Do you roughly know it?”

“No.”

“So conception could technically have happened anytime between May 29^th and June 20^th?”

“I guess.”

“The possibility of getting pregnant is most likely during the two weeks after the last period so in your case somewhere between June 1^st and June 11^th.”

Levi nods.

“You decided against a hormonal form of contraception, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“May I ask how you contracept?”

Levi clears his throat. “Condoms.”

“Always?”

“Yes.”

“Your mother said your pregnancy is not wanted, is that true?”

“Yes.”

“Has it happened before that this method of contraception failed or was this the first time you had intercourse?”

“No.”

The doctor looks at Levi questioningly.

“To both,” Levi clarifies.

“Did you consume any alcoholic drinks, smoke or consumed other illegal substances from May 29^th up to now?”

Levi clenches his jaw. Their friend group sometimes drinks, Nana and Mike both smoke cigarettes, Eld, Gunther, Aururo and Petra smoke weed. Erwin sometimes drinks and smokes cigarettes and weed as well. Levi doesn’t smoke anything, he hates the smell of both. But when they party Levi occasionally drinks. On Mike’s 17^th birthday on May 15^th he drank so much that he threw up and since then he doesn’t really like it anymore but…

“Yes.”

The doctor’s face doesn’t show any judgement. “Do you remember how much and when?”

“Two vodka shots in October.”

Right, Erwin’s birthday.

The doctor nods then she puts the sheet of paper away and looks at Levi with softer eyes. “Do you have any questions?”

The questions swarm in Erwin’s head but he bites his lip and keeps quiet.

“Why –” Levi clears his throat again and is obviously fighting back tears. Erwin squeezes his hand. “Why doesn’t it look like it?”

“You’re most likely somewhere at the end of the second trimester or at the beginning of the third one. It can happen that there are rarely any signs of pregnancy at this time. It’s not usual but it can happen. Haven’t you noticed anything like extreme pelvic or back pain in the past few months?”

Levi shrugs. “Maybe a little.”

“Pregnancy is always different,” the woman says and smiles. “There is no direct instruction to stick to. Anything else?”

Levi shakes his head.

“If there are any questions later feel free to ask them. Until then we’ll have to measure a few more things.”

The doctor examines thyroid, heart, breasts, abdomen and lungs. She asks if Levi wants to do this alone, but Levi insists that Erwin stays. They run blood and urine tests. The doctor says Levi has to make an appointment for a gestational diabetes test as well as an examination to determine the pelvic capacity and an obstetric examination.

“Now that we’re done with this we can do an ultrasound scan. Please follow me.”

They walk into a dimly lit room and the doctor signalises Levi to lie down on the examination couch.

“I will put this gel on your belly and then I’ll pass a probe over it so we can see a picture of the baby on the ultrasound screen, okay?”

Levi nods.

“Do you want your boyfriend to stay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, sit down on that chair, please,” she tells Erwin.

He sits down without letting go of Levi’s shaking hand. His boyfriend’s palm is so sweaty that his fingers almost slide off. If the scan shows a baby, it’ll be final. No going back, no doubts.

“This scan can be used to determine the age and size of the baby, with that we also get a more exact idea of your due date. We’ll check the position and the healthy growth of it.”

When Levi nods, she gets the gel and sits down in front of the monitor.

“Lift your sweater please.”

Levi does what she says but doesn’t look at the doctor, he doesn’t look at Erwin either and also not at the screen. He stares at the wall and doesn’t even flinch when the doctor puts the cold gel on his skin. For some time the doctor passes the probe over Levi’s belly until she stops at a certain point. Erwin who’s been watching the screen the entire time sees it.

“There it is,” she says, and Levi slowly turns his head towards the screen. His eyes stay on the baby-shaped picture for a second. Erwin sees his bottom lip tremble, sees the way his eyebrows draw together and sees the glassy film over his eyes. Then he turns away from the screen with a loud sob and buries his head in his shoulder. Levi has been so fucking brave the entire time and Erwin is so proud of him but he understands that Levi can’t hold it in any longer. It is a hundred percent clear now.

This is not how people want to react to their child, this is not how doctors want their patients to react, this is not how anyone wants their parent to react to the news that you exist. But Erwin can’t help but fully understand his boyfriend. Levi doesn’t stop and Erwin thinks his suppressed crying noises are the most hurtful thing he’s ever heard. The couch between his head and his shoulder is completely wet and Erwin can’t do anything else but lift Levi’s hand up to his mouth and press his lips against his knuckles.

Ten minutes later they are sitting in the doctor’s office again. Levi cried the entire time and refused to look at the screen. Now his eyes are red and Erwin isn’t sure if he can take seeing his boyfriend so sad two days in a row.

“You intend to start with your T-therapy at your sixteenth birthday, is that correct?”

“Yes.” Levi’s voice is rough.

“I’d heavily advise you to delay the start of your therapy.”

Levi blinks.

“You’ve been on hormone blockers since your fifteenth birthday, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Do-”

“How old is the baby?” Levi interrupts her.

“About 27 weeks.”

“That means I don’t even have to start considering an abortion?”

“Well, abortion is legal up to the 24^th week, there are special cases but we’ll come to that later. With the testosterone it can come to serious complications and a miscarriage is not entirely out of question either. While the testosterone won’t crucially affect the child after birth it can suppress the protein prolactin and cause a decrease in milk supply. In the first six months the child is exclusively nourished by breastfeeding, after those six months I’d say starting T-therapy can be taken into consideration. However, I wouldn’t recommend a top surgery up to two years after the child’s birth unless it isn’t breastfed at all anymore.”

Levi blinks the tears away and Erwin wants to do nothing more than to pull him close because he knows how long Levi has been waiting for this.

“Now I’d like to talk to Levi alone for a moment.”

Levi tightens his hand around Erwin’s, but Erwin slowly pulls his fingers back.

“It’s okay, Lee. I’m right behind the door, yes?”

Levi reluctantly lets go of Erwin’s hand and Erwin loses sight of him when the door closes behind him. He doesn’t know what the doctor wants to ask but he guesses it’s for the better if he isn’t there. In the hallway he meets Kuchel who has finished her talk with the assistant.

“How did it go?” She asks after Erwin sits down next to her.

“She ran some tests and asked a few questions and then put Levi under this ultrasound machine.” Erwin glances at Kuchel. “He didn’t take it that well. Especially not the fact that he won’t be able to start taking testosterone for the next months, and no top surgery in the next two years.”

Kuchel nods. “I already thought so.”

“An-” Before Erwin can finish his sentence the door opens and the doctor walks out.

“Ms. Ackerman, could you please come inside.”

Kuchel follows her in the room and the door closes again. It’s quiet for two minutes until Erwin can hear Levi’s voice very loud and clear through the door that separates them.

“You’re fucking kidding me!?”

The doctor answers something Erwin doesn’t understand.

“Do you know what you’re implying with this shit? Oh my – just fucking leave me alone!”

Then the door is pushed open and Levi storms out. He grabs Erwin by the wrist and drags him towards the door of the building.

“We’ll leave. Now.”

Erwin stumbles behind him. “Levi, what happened?”

Levi shakes his head. “This fucking bitch.”

“Lee,” Erwin says urgently.

Levi walks until he reaches their car.

“She said abortion after the 24 weeks is technically possible in special cases. And I’m fifteen, that’s already a special case. Do you know what she said? She said that when you are pregnant so young it’s not unusual that said pregnancy is the result of non-consensual sex. She accused you of raping me, Erwin! She says that a child from non-con sex can be aborted after 24 weeks and that I can take this into consideration.”

“Wha-” Erwin is speechless for a moment. Then he sighs. “I understand why you’re mad but it isn’t that bad she asked. I think it’ good that she clarified this because she can’t know what our relationship is like.”

Levi scoffs and shakes his head. “This bitch asked mum if she noticed any abusive behaviour towards me in our relationship. Mum was too fucking taken aback to speak.”

The first time Erwin laid his eyes on Levi was a rainy, muddy autumn day on his way home after school. He’d just moved to the area, new home, new school, new friends. He was doing good in class and immediately found new friends. Of course he missed his old friends Nile and Phillip and Felix and especially his kindergarten girlfriend Marie. He had just turned eleven and had thrown a party with all his new friends. This kid on the playground twenty metres in front of him was not one of them, in fact, Erwin had never seen him before. He was short, way shorter than Erwin and in general more fragile. He had ink-black hair which’s bangs fell into his eyes. He was wearing clothes that looked handed down at least one generation, black trousers with a Dragon Ball Z patch on the knee and a blue sweater. It was raining. Didn’t he know you had to wear at least a jacket at those temperatures and with this rain? The best would be a raincoat but no, nothing like that not even wellies but a worn-out pair of sneakers. Had his parents really let him out of the house dressed inappropriately like that? He was sitting at the end of the slide with crossed legs while he seemed to look at something in his hand. Erwin was too fascinated to realise he’d stopped walking. It was raining and it was cold, so cold that his breath formed clouds and the street smelled like heating smoke, so cold that he had to wear the winter jacket his dad had given to him last Christmas but that boy didn’t seem to care at all. Strange.

There were two other boys a few steps away from the kid on the slide, he thought they were in his year but not in his class. Thomas and Paul or something like that. They were obviously staring at the other boy in a way that his dad had taught him was impolite. They approached the younger boy.

“Hey weirdo, what you got there?”

Erwin frowned. He didn’t like it when people were unkind. The boy didn’t respond, he didn’t even look at them, he merely continued flipping the object in his hands.

“Hey shithead, I’m talking to you!”

No reaction.

Only when one of the boys grabbed the object out of his hands the younger one looked up.

“Give that back,” he said so quietly Erwin had trouble understanding him.

The older boys laughed. “No.”

“I said give it back.”

“And I said no.”

One of the boys – Paul – looked at his hand. “It’s a lighter. Why do you have a lighter?”

That was indeed strange. Children shouldn’t have lighters, his dad had even instructed him to only light candles when he himself was home too, his mum didn’t really care. Paul buried the lighter in his fist and then threw it away. It landed a few metres away from Erwin’s feet.

“Is that what your terrorist uncle uses to fire his bombs, huh? Or to light his Shisha?”

Erwin didn’t know what a Shisha was but he for sure knew that what the boy had just said was not okay.

“My mum said it'd be better if all of you left this country again, there is nothing good coming with you. Those scarfs and the teashops. She said over five bars had to shut down because your people live here and don’t drink so the bars have no customers anymore. I bet your mother wears those burkas too and your uncle is the one who lurks kids like us into his car with sweets.”

The boy jumped up and his tiny hands curled up into fists. “Don’t talk about my family like that.”

“What? I’m just telling the truth, we don’t want our buildings blown away and we don’t want to be woken up in the morning by some weird singing.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Erwin wondered about that too, without the fuck of course. His dad had taught him not to swear like that.

“I’m saying your family is probably full of terrorists and we don’t want you here.”

Erwin picked up the lighter and began walking toward the other three boys. This was definitely going too far, his dad had always taught him to interfere in such situations. The small boy raised his hand.

“You’re gonna fucking regret you said that.”

“What? You want to fight me? Look at you, you’re weaker than a culm and besides I don’t hit girls.”

Erwin halted. Girls? The boy was a girl?

“I’m not a girl!” The – apparent – boy said loudly.

“Yeah you are. My dad said you’re girl and you’re a weird little tranny that’s what he said too.”

Erwin didn’t know what a tranny was, he was very sure that the boy who had said it didn’t know either.

“Hey,” he interrupts the argument. “Leave him alone.”

The two boys turned around and stared at Erwin.

“She’s a girl you know that right? And we should be left alone by her. My dad said Unoch Pwell is right, and we need repratriation.”

Erwin knew he didn’t know a lot but he knew the name was Enoch Powell and the word repatriation and he knew his dad said comparing immigration with Nazi Germany was an impudence.

“Well he said he’s a boy so what do you know? And I think you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The boys glanced at each other. They could probably take him and the younger boy but Erwin was popular at school, he had many friends already and had gotten three love letters in the two months he’d been here. They knew better than to fight him so one scoffed while the other spat on the ground before they left the playground.

“Are you okay?” He asked the boy. His hair was wet just like his sweater and trousers.

He nodded.

“What’s your name?”

“Levi,” he said quietly.

“Hi Levi, I’m Erwin.”

Levi didn’t say anything.

“Uhh, why did they say you’re a girl?”

“I’m not a girl.”

“I know but they said that.”

“I don’t know why they said that.”

“Okay.” He handed Levi the lighter. “Here, I found that in the sand.”

He took it and his icy fingers brushed against Erwin’s.

“Thank you.”

“Aren’t you cold?”

“What?”

“You don’t have a jacket.”

“I don’t need one.”

“I bet your mum would want you to wear one.”

“Mama’s not here.”

“Oh okay. What are you doing here?”

“I’m waiting for Kenny.”

“Who is Kenny?”

“My uncle. He said he’d come thirty minutes ago. I don’t think he’ll come.”

“Where do you live?”

“A few streets away.”

“I can bring you home.”

“No thank you.”

“Come on,” Erwin insisted. “Maybe they’ll come back.”

“Sad for them. I would’ve shown them what they get for saying that.”

“Let me bring you home anyway.”

Levi shrugged and began walking toward the exit. When Erwin didn’t follow, he turned around. “You coming?”

Erwin caught up with Levi and together they walked on the sidewalk. He saw the goosebumps on Levi’s neck.

“Are you sure you’re not cold?”

“I’m fine.”

Erwin peeled himself out of his jacket and gave it to Levi. He obviously needed it more. Levi gave him a questioning look.

“Take it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

The jacket was ridiculously big on him.

“I don’t know why they called your uncle a terrorist, I’m sorry,” Erwin said after a while of silence.

“I do.”

“Oh?”

“My Mama and Kenny are from Lebanon, some people here don’t like that.”

“I, uh, I don’t care about that, I’m still sorry they said it.”

“Yeah, I am too.”

Erwi cleared his throat. “What’s a tranny?”

Levi freezed mid-step but then continued walking. “Ask your parents.”

Erwin didn’t think his mum would answer him. He’d ask his dad later.

“How old are you?”

“Ten.”

“I’m eleven.”

“Great for you.”

“Where do you go to school?”

“To the same one as you.”

“Why do you know to which school I go?”

Levi shrugged. “I saw you around I guess,” he mumbled.

“Cool, then we can see each other more often.”

Levi hummed as if he didn’t believe in that.

Levi stopped walking in front of a small house, the front garden was full of plants that would probably bloom in spring. Erwin liked it that way. He lived in a house that looked like many blocks put together, their garden was the pit of stones with a few plants growing out of it. It was stylish in a way, he understood that, it was just that he didn’t like the style.

“Thank you,” Levi said and handed Erwin the jacket.

Erwin blinked. “Ah, yes. No problem.”

The front door of the house was opened and a woman with dark hair appeared in the frame.

“Levi Ackerman, inside the house, NOW.”

Levi sighed. “Bye.”

“Uh, goodbye.”

The woman only then noticed Erwin.

“Oh hey, sorry I didn’t see you. I’m Kuchel, Levi’s mother.”

Erwin smiled. “I’m Erwin.”

“Why don’t you come inside until it stops raining?”

Erwin nodded and stepped inside. The woman turned toward her son again.

“Lee, where have you been? I searched everywhere for you. You can play with friends but please tell me beforehand.”

“Kenny said he’d take me with him today because you’re at work.”

Kuchel sighed. “That man. Erwin do you want to drink something?”

“I want tee,” Levi said.

“Is your name Erwin?”

“No.”

“Right. We have water or tea or juice or hot chocolate.”

Erwin nodded almost shyly.

“Hot chocolate?”

He nodded again.

In the end he stayed way longer than the rain shower. Their bodies warmed up and so did Levi. At the beginning he was still cold and gave short answers and Erwin mostly talked with Kuchel but after a while he and Erwin began to talk too. He showed him his room and his skateboard and his guitar and Erwin listened attentively to every word he said. He stayed for dinner too and they ate something Erwin didn’t know with pita. Kuchel asked him if he wanted to call his parents to say he’s staying away longer but Erwin reassured her his mother wouldn’t care. After that they ate pudding and Levi introduced Erwin to his cat Ramsa. She had black fur and sharp yellow eyes. Time flew fast and soon it was time for Erwin to go home. Kuchel insisted on bringing him so the three of them walked to Erwin’s house since Levi’s uncle had the car with him.

The moment he came home he ran up to his room and called his dad on skype with one of his mother’s laptops. He told him about the boy he had met and that he and his mother were very nice, that he had never seen him at school before but that he wanted to get to know him better. He didn’t tell him what the other boys had said about Levi’s family because he knew his father would get mad at that and he didn’t want to destroy the good mood. But he told him that the other two had said Levi was a girl and that Erwin didn’t understand that. His dad was confused too until Erwin dropped the word tranny. His dad explained it was offensive and told him he shouldn’t say it, he also explained there were people who were born in the wrong body, as a girl or a boy but they felt the other way. Erwin thought Levi might be like that.

They saw each other in school more often, Erwin soon realised Levi didn’t have many friends. They didn’t really talk to each other until Levi became friends with Nana, one of Erwin’s friends through music class. For several years they were friends and got to know each other better, sometimes they met apart from the others, just the two of them and if Erwin was being honest, he liked it best that way. Despite finding more friends over the years, Levi’s school life was still rough. He told Erwin a few months after they had met each other, that he had been in fact born in a  girl’s body but was a boy. Erwin didn’t mind since he had thought of Levi as a boy from the beginning. Outside their friend circle there were some people making fun of him, calling him names, misgendering him and so on but Levi knew how to defend himself and truth was that Erwin and his friend group were popular among other students providing Levi with some sort of protection. Sometimes when they watched movies together Erwin’s and Levi’s hands touched or their thighs brushed against each other. It sent shots of electricity through Erwin. With every day Levi became prettier and the older Erwin got the more his view of Levi differed from what it had been at the beginning. He was a confused teenager and before Erwin could stop it Levi crept into his head. When he was trying to sleep, when he was doing his homework, when he was eating and when he was taking a shower. The first time images of Levi flashed through his mind while he jerked off he was so embarrassed that he couldn’t look into Levi’s eyes the next day. But the guilt decreased. Soon he was actively searching for videos with people in them that looked like his friend, short, thin, black hair, middle eastern. It was mostly gay porn and he would’ve been more embarrassed if it hadn’t felt so good.

Erwin’s first kiss had been with his first girlfriend Marie, when they had been nine. Their silly relationship had lasted astoundingly long – two years until Erwin had moved away. He kissed Levi for the first time after they had hung out at a fair with the whole gang. The others were already gone and only Erwin and Levi were left at the bus stop. When Erwin saw the bus coming down the street, he took the chance. Levi’s lips were sweet from the cotton candy and his cheek under Erwin’s palm was soft and cold. He fled into the bus before Levi could quit their friendship. His heart was drumming in his ears and he was shaking and sweating. He expected Levi to yell at him when they saw each other in school again. But Levi didn’t mention anything and the two just carried on the way they had before. Until they met a few days later at Levi’s. They sat on the floor leaning against Levi’s bedframe and played on Erwin’s Switch that he had stationed in Levi’s room because that was where they hung out most of the time. They were in the middle of a game when Levi suddenly leaned over and pressed his lips against Erwin’s. It was clumsy and felt wrong but Erwin took Levi’s head between his hands and reduced the pressure, he pulled back a little so that they were not just pressing their lips together. He guided Levi’s bottom lip between his and carefully sucked at it before he began moving his lips. Levi adapted to the pace Erwin had set and the game was forgotten immediately. Levi fisted his hand in Erwin’s hair and shuffled closer. They both were not really sure how it worked – Levi even less than Erwin – but managed it to make it feel good. No teeth were clashing anymore, no noses were bumping against each other just their lips and hands. When they pulled back Levi looked away and his ears turned red. A few days later it was Levi’s fifteenth birthday and a few weeks later they were official. During that time they had both improved a lot when it came to kissing. It felt almost natural by then, with and without tongue.

The first time they really made out was at Erwin’s home in late January, both of his parents at work. They pretended to watch some dumb action movie while they kissed in a way that was more heated than usual. Erwin claimed Levi’s mouth with his tongue both of their hands roamed over each other’s bodies. As Levi climbed on Erwin’s lap and ground against his hip Erwin’s hand went down and squeezed his ass. They stopped after a while when Levi interrupted the kiss with a surprised sound. He stared at Erwin with wide eyes and for a moment Erwin was afraid there was something wrong but then Levi stuttered “y-you’re uh…”

Erwin needed a second to realise what Levi meant and then chuckled. “Yeah.”

Levi’s hand slowly wandered down his stomach to the brim of his trousers.

“…can I?”

Erwin nodded and Levi opened the button of Erwin’s trousers. The zipper was incredibly loud and slow but finally Levi reached the waistband of his briefs. He glanced at Erwin who nodded again and then slipped his fingers inside and pulled them down. He stared at Erwin for a few good seconds, eyes still wide and mouth slightly agape. Then he startled as if he just snapped back into reality.

“I, uhm,” Levi cleared his throat and his eyes met Erwin’s, “I don’t really know what to do.”

“But you want to?”

Levi’s ears burned. Then he looked away again and nodded.

“Hey hey. Lee there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, okay? We both don’t really know what to do alright?”

Levi looked back into Erwin’s eyes and whispered a “yes”. Then he carefully wrapped his fingers around Erwin’ cock and began moving them up and down while twisting his wrist.

Erwin sucked the air through his teeth and groaned quietly. He had only jerked off by himself but to have someone else’s hand doing the job felt entirely different. The foreign skin on his and the fact that he couldn’t anticipate what would happen next.

“Is this good?” Levi asked and his voice sounded self-conscious.

“Wait,” Erwin said and leaned over to reach his nightstand. He opened the first drawer and handed Levi the lotion. “Add this, it’ll be easier.”

With an oily hand Levi continued to jerk him off. Erwin tangled his hand in Levi’s hair and brought him close so they could kiss again. Levi was unsure at some points but Erwin reassured him he was doing great and that it felt amazing. Levi then lost his previous inhibitions and became more experimental, he used both of his hands, moved one of them down to Erwin’s balls, circled his thumb over the tip. Not long after that Erwin felt the pressure building inside. He didn’t know how long he had already lasted but it became impossible to hold back anymore. Levi was sucking at his neck while his hand pumped faster.

“Lee,” Erwin moaned into the kiss and tried to stop himself from fucking into Levi’s hand. “I’m, I –”

Before he came he reached down and covered Levi’s hand with his own to change the direction. He knew Levi wouldn’t appreciate cum in his hair or on his shirt. Instead it spurted on his own and the bedsheets but he didn’t care. They leaned their foreheads together until Erwin stopped breathing in gasps and then Levi stood up to wash his hands and came back with tissues to clean Erwin’s shirt.

“Was this… uh, did you like it?”

Erwin pulled Levi into a kiss during which he smiled.

“Yeah, very much.”

After that evening those situations happened more often. Erwin desperately wanted to touch Levi too but Levi was still unsure. He made sure Levi knew that just because he had parts of a biological woman he wouldn’t be less of a man to him, he just wanted to make him feel good. He was very careful when it on the end really came to touching Levi. He slowly undid his binder making sure Levi had enough time to stop him. He picked him up and laid him down on the bed. He kissed his neck down to his chest and over his stomach. After Levi had gotten rid of his underwear he stopped to give Levi a questioning look. Levi nodded. Erwin’s hand moved between his legs and he cautiously pushed the first digit of his index finger inside. Levi above him shuddered and  Erwin pulled it out. It was wet and covered in Levi’s slick.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” Levi breathed. “Just – just go on.”

Erwin pressed a kiss on Levi’s neck and then slipped the finger inside again. Levi was hot inside and Erwin slowly pushed all the way in then he repeated the movement. Levi was releasing quiet sounds, his hand was buried in the sheets beneath. Erwin pulled back and spread the wetness up to Levi’s clit and rubbed against it. Levi under him jolted up and moaned loudly.

“Fuck, Erwin. That’s, fuck.”

Erwin pushed two fingers inside then while his thumb kept circling Levi’s sweet spot. After a while he moved faster and fucked his fingers deeper inside Levi who had started to brabble breathless sentences consisting of curses and gasps. Erwin kissed him deeply while he continued fingering Levi until he tensed up and made a sound that had Erwin thinking he’d hurt him for a moment until he realised the whine was Levi coming.

Sometime after that Erwin went down on Levi for the first time and made him come three times in a row. The first time Levi sucked Erwin off, he tried to go all the way down and choked heavily but Erwin told him it was all right so Levi focused on the upper half only and let his hands work on the lower part. It was the best feeling Erwin had ever felt. Levi’s mouth was warm and tight and wet and so much different than just a hand. His tongue was God-like.

Before they had sex, they talked about it. It was the beginning of May and life felt amazing with Levi by his side. They decided on condoms because Levi didn’t want to take birth control and they were too stupid to take possible consequences seriously. It was the sure there are some worst cases but that for sure won’t happen to us, right? mindset. Their first time was far away from perfect and Erwin almost had a heart attack when he saw the blood on Levi but Levi reassured him it was normal. They were both a little unsure what to do but, in the end, made it work. Despite Levi being wet Erwin insisted on using lube as he was very afraid to hurt him. Penetrative sex was something else than fingers. They slipped a few times and bumped into each other but laughed it away with soft giggles. Levi came first and that was the most important thing for Erwin. His nails dug deep into Erwin’s back and his thighs – astoundingly strong for his size – clenched around Erwin. Erwin came too, after a few more thrusts.

After the first time it got way better. They both learned what the other one liked or disliked and experimented around a lot, trying new things and positions. They tried anal too but did it less often than the other way simply because Levi only liked it if he was right out of the shower and perfectly clean and that simply wasn’t always the case when the mood took them.

Erwin loves to see how confident Levi became since the first time they saw each other, he snaps back at people and he found his own favourite way of dressing, he got into baking and stuffs Erwin full with the best cakes and pastries he has ever eaten. His guitar skills have improved a lot and he founded a small band with two of his friends Isabel and Farlan.

Erwin hates to see that confidence shatter like a vase now that Levi is sitting on the floor, leaning against the car tyre. He hasn’t stopped crying when Kuchel comes back and pulls him into a tight hug. For the entire drive back home Levi stays quiet while silent tears drop down his face. Erwin squeezes his hand and Levi squeezes back. It’s faint but it’s there.

The next weeks are stressful and tense. Levi’s belly starts to grow rapidly now and Erwin feels happy at the sight of it. He knows it’s probably the worst timing ever for a child but still, it’s his and Levi’s and for some reason that makes him utterly proud. Soon Levi stops attending school. He can’t stand the thought of others – aside from their closest friends – knowing yet, he explains one day. It hurts Erwin to see Levi so sad but he feels like there is nothing he can do but show his love for him, hug him and kiss him and offer him comfort. His mother is behaving like the bitch she is, but Erwin doesn’t give in and makes it clear he will stay with Levi. Levi’s family of course doesn’t charge Erwin for being sixteen and sleeping with fifteen-year-old Levi. Erwin’s dad can’t fly home at the moment but he promises to do so as soon as possible. He also promises financial support even if Erwin’s mother acts like they won’t.

One day shortly after Levi’s sixteenth birthday they are lying in Levi’s bed. Levi’s head is resting on his pillow – he’s looking at the starry sky through his rooflight – while Erwin’s head is resting on Levi’s belly. Levi’s fingers go through his hair and for a moment there is just idle peace. Until Erwin feels the kick. He startles.

“Lee, did you feel that?”

Levi’s eyes are big and wide, he looks totally shocked. Erwin lays his hands on Levi’s belly.

“There again! Did you feel it?”

“I,” Levi stutters. Then he covers his mouth with his hand and the sound that he makes is definitely not a happy one.

The smile falls off Erwin’s face and he frowns in worry.

“Lee,” he whispers.

Levi shakes his head and buries his face in his hand, but Erwin saw the tears.

“‘M sorry, Win, I’m so sorry.”

Erwin circles his fingertips over Levi’s belly in an attempt to calm him down. He leans his forehead against him while he holds his hand and after a few minutes Levi’s crying subsides.

“Can I ask you a question?” Erwin asks.

“Yeah,” Levi answers with a hoarse voice.

“Will you be able to love this child?”

“What?”

“I love you Levi, more than anything else but I won’t raise another human being with someone who can’t look at their child without seeing the life they might’ve had without it. That’s not fair, no one deserves that. So I’m asking you if you can love our child because if not I don’t want to raise it with you. I’ll stay with you, forever, but I can’t see you this sad for the rest of your life and I can’t have a child who isn’t loved by their parent. Please, if that is the case, I’d want to put it up for adoption.”

“Oh, I’m, I’m so sorry Erwin,” Levi says quietly. His voice cracks.

“No, baby, Lee, don’t cry. I wasn’t accusing you. I was asking a question and I’m asking you to answer it honestly because I understand it if you say you can’t, and I won’t judge you for it but I need to know before we ruin somebody’s life. Becoming a happy person is hard when you’re not given the needed love as a child.”

“I…” Levi takes a deep breath. “I want this child, with you, and I want to keep it and I’m sorry that I gave you the impression I couldn’t feel happy about this, it’s just hard to realise what I’m feeling at all.”

“That’s okay. I don’t want you to feel guilty about this, for whatever you say.”

Levi shakes his head. “No, I want this. I want this with you and we’re gonna go through that together. I – I already love it, I think…”

“It may be hard and I guess it’s normal that you’re confused about what to feel but that’s the only thing I need to know, the only thing we need to know. We’ll make the rest of it work, I promise.”

Levi smiles and Erwin kneels up to pull him into a long kiss.