Work Text:
.
March 4th 2012
Dear Julian,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About you. About what you did to deserve this. You haven’t done anything to deserve what is happening to you- it isn’t fair.
I don’t know if you hear me when I talk to you. Sometimes I sing. I don’t know if you hear that either. I’ve decided to write a letter to you instead. Just like in the movies, eh, Larson? I can see your smirk now, shut up.
.
March 5th 2012
Dear Julian,
You haven’t woken up yet and your vitals are still the same. You already know this, of course, but I felt the need to tell you anyway.
I miss you. I really do. I miss the way you acted when you thought no one was looking. I miss the way you would lick at the lid of your coffee cup before anything else. Hell, I even miss the near constant crinkling of your damn lollipop wrappers- cherry, right? I bet you didn't think I noticed. Honestly, I could list more things, but if you could I know you’d say “What’s the point, Wright? I can’t hear you anyways”. God, I can practically hear you scoffing it in that ‘you’re an idiot’ tone of voice you like to use. Just stop this and come back. I don’t care if it takes you one day or one month, come back, you sorry bastard.
.
March 10 2012
Dear Julian,
It rained today. You know the first thing I thought of? Petrichor, your favorite smell. I know you would’ve liked it, so I stood in the downpour for you. You know what? You were right. Now I know why you did it all the time . It hit me all over and it was so, so, cold that I just couldn’t feel anything anymore. Couldn’t care, couldn’t feel, couldn’t anything.
Remember that time when you, me, and Derek lay down in the grass and let the rain hit us? Derek and I complained about how cold it was, and you threatened to leave if we didn’t stop annoying you and go away. I told you that you couldn’t leave even if you tried and you only rolled your eyes.
I hope that I was right.
.
March 20 2012
Dear Julian,
I know these stupid unsent letters don't make it to you, but I like to think that they do.
I wonder if you dream. Are you dreaming now? What do you dream about? I hope that, if you do, you dream about something happy.
Julian, come back please. I never thought I’d admit this, but you deserve to know; I was sitting in the common room today before class and there was a serious lack of snarky comments. It’s so dull without your level of diva, and Derek just can’t keep up with the verbal sparring.
.
April 1 2012
Dear Julian,
I’m thinking about things again. I try not to, it’s easier keeping it all locked away, and the medication helps with that. But I’m tired of this. I can’t even be angry anymore. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel really empty.
I think about how in the beginning you were just some kid with weirdly perfect hair and these big brown eyes that were practically always hidden behind an expensive pair of Ray Bans (I swear, you’re the only person in the world who can wear sunglasses inside and not look entirely like a complete douchebag...keyword being 'entirely').
About how you drink chocolate milk out of the carton but deny any accusations of it.
How sometimes in the morning I’d peel the skin off oranges and you’d swoop downstairs from your dorm room and steal the segments before I had a chance, popping them into your mouth so, so smugly. God, you’re an annoying shit. The worst.
How you sleep with one leg hanging off the bed, free from the covers while the rest of you is bundled up. I always thought it looked ridiculous, but that was before you actually somehow managed to fall asleep literally on the bone of my knee that one time we were up late studying. You woke up with an indent on your cheek and that’s when I realized that you’re probably the result of some weird science experiment because you can make anything, anywhere, a prime napping spot.
My head hurts. I still have an essay to finish but instead I’m writing this- whatever this even is- what’s wrong with me?
.
April 4 2012
I’m beginning to think that coffee withdrawal is a contributing factor to you still not waking. How long has it been since you last had it? Inserting it into your IV wouldn’t be practical, Jules. I’m not above bribery- wake up and I’ll bring all the cups that could possible fit into your room. I can almost hear your first words already…“Why the hell are you all just standing there? Bring me some damn coffee already.”
.
April 9 2012
Dear Julian,
I visited you again today. Did you hear me? Sense me? Anything? Please Jules, all I’m asking for is a sign that you’re still in that body of yours. Sometimes I hardly recognize you anymore. But you’ll be pleased to hear that your hair still somehow manages to look perfectly styled. It’s a natural phenomena.
You always came back, no matter how long you were gone. You can’t imagine how hard it is to think that, this time, you might not.
.
April 15 2012
Dear Julian,
You had a lot of visitors today. The whole gang showed up, even Blaine’s irritating little brother. I left you a flower. It’s a “Lily of the Valley”. I’m not going to tell you the meaning behind it, you’ll have to look it up yourself when you wake up. Derek almost smacked me upside the head, that dick. Apparently it’s poisonous…er, it’s the thought that counts, right?
.
April 18 2012
Dear Julian,
I played a piece on your arms with my fingers. Maybe I’m just going crazy, but I could’ve sworn you sighed when I stopped.
.
April 21 2012
Dear Julian,
You got worse today. Much worse. Not only are you on breathing apparatus, but also life support.
Don’t go just yet.
.
April 22 2012
Dear Julian,
I tried to play you a song on the piano. My hands were shaking, I couldn’t finish it. I’m sorry.
.
April 23 2012
Dear Julian,
I don’t understand, why can’t you just wake up? Can’t you will yourself to wake up or something? You’re strong, stronger than most people. I know that now, I do. I know you can do it, it’s not that hard, is it? It can’t be that hard to just wake up. Just open each eye, that’s all there is to it. Please just wake up. Even if it’s only for a little moment, please just open your eyes. I want you to see what you’re missing. You can see everyone again, and maybe then you can stay awake.
So wake up? Just wake up.
.
April 24 2012
Dear Julian,
You’re still here, thank you. Don’t leave.
.
April 25 2012
Dear Julian,
You’re still breathing.
.
April 26 2012
Dear Julian,
It’s raining again today. It wasn’t light or heavy. Just rain.
I don’t know what it was about you. You were always just a little bit different in the rain, a little more at ease.
In this rain, a thought occurred to me- simple but destructive. It was the truth. No matter how hard I wish, Julian, no matter how hard I try, I can’t make you come back. I could play you all the songs and leave you all the flowers in the world and I still couldn’t make you wake up.
I’m not one for crying. And yet here I am.
.
April 27 2012
Dear Julian,
The doctors keep saying that ‘the ball is in your court now’. That you have to make the decision to wake up. That you have to want to. Why don’t you want to? Why? Why isn’t this enough?
Are you afraid? You did not lose everyone, you know. You didn’t lose me. You didn’t lose Derek or Bailey, Reed or Kurt, Ethan or Evan, or any of the others. You still have me. You still have all of us. We all still think of you, so you still have a place to return to. You always will. All that’s left now is for you to allow yourself to believe it.
Maybe my words will never reach you, but I am placing them here in any case.
Derek told me something the other day. He said that every time you came back, it wasn’t the school you were coming back to, not really.
I am still the place you can return to.