Chapter Text
“How long have we been on this five-year mission, Bones?”
Bones eyed Jim over his black cup of coffee. He was currently wearing his shrewd doctor’s assessing look. A look, now that Jim thought about it, he wore a lot. At least when it came to Jim.
“Five months.”
“Is that all?” Jim asked with a dramatic sigh.
“Five months, two weeks, five days, four hours, fourteen minutes, and three point two seconds.”
Jim blinked. “Is that true?”
Bones cracked a smile. “Totally made it up. Thought I’d sound like the hobgoblin.”
Jim laughed. “You did there for a second. Thought he’d been influencing you more than I suspected.”
“Perish the thought.”
Jim stabbed at his rubbery eggs. “I really need to talk to whomever is in charge of the synthesizers. These are disgusting.”
“Eat them anyway.”
Jim made a face but forked a bite.
“Where is the hobgoblin anyway? He’s usually here with you.”
Jim shrugged. “I have no idea. He didn’t answer his door when I went to ask him if he wanted to get breakfast before shift.” Privately Jim wondered if Spock had spent the night with Uhura. He tried not to think too much about that because then his heart ached and butterflies fluttered around in his stomach.
And speaking of, Uhura stepped inside the mess and went up to the synthesizer. She was alone, though. After obtaining food, she glanced around and seemed to zero in on the table where Jim and Bones sat.
“Good morning,” Uhura said cheerfully as she put down her tray of fruit and cereal.
“Morning,” Jim replied.
They moved on to more mundane subjects before Bones excused himself to go to the medbay—not before ordering Uhura to make sure Jim finished his eggs—leaving Jim alone with Uhura. Jim always felt a little awkward around her, especially when they were alone, because—well, he was in love with her boyfriend. Not a damn thing he could do about it though.
“Where’s Spock anyway?” he asked, cutting right to his favorite subject—Spock. He was aware he was a little obsessed. Sort of ‘Enough of what I think about Spock. What do you think about Spock?’ Pathetic.
Uhura arched both of her eyebrows. “How would I know? You’re more likely to know than me.”
Jim frowned. “Huh? How do you figure?”
She stared at him for several moments of silence. “You really don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?”
“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you.” She leaned her chin on her hand. “Jim, Spock and I broke up. Months ago.”
“M-months? How many months?”
“It was right after the mission started. Honestly, it should have been even before that.” Uhura shook her head. “I would have thought he told you. Or hell, why didn’t you figure it out?”
“Figure it out? How?”
“You really are clueless, aren’t you?” Uhura reached over and patted his hand to seemingly take the sting out of her words. “Because, don’t you think if Spock had a girlfriend he’d be with her instead of you? He spends all his time with you, Jim. More specifically, can you imagine me just allowing my boyfriend to date you instead of me?”
Jim felt himself turn red. “We aren’t dating.”
“You know what I mean. Spock and I are just friends. And we’re better for it really. I love Spock. Still. But the truth is he was a really difficult boyfriend.”
“Yeah?”
Uhura smiled. “He’s not romantic at all. And doesn’t know how to be sensitive when he tells you things. I’m not really sure Vulcans and humans are very compatible.”
“But his mother was married to his father,” Jim pointed out.
“She was a saint. Trust me.”
Jim sighed. So Spock wasn’t even with Uhura. And hadn’t been for months. And had never said a damn word to Jim. He had no idea how he was supposed to feel about that. But he felt a little uneasy, honestly.
She squeezed his hand. Jim glanced up.
“Leonard says you’re supposed to finish all those eggs,” Uhura reminded him.
“Yeah, okay.” He nodded and finished every bite.
****
On the way to the bridge, Jim stopped off at his quarters and went to his closet. There he pulled out the bag he kept way in the back, out of sight of anyone. He wasn’t sure even the Yeoman who cleaned his room knew about it. He hoped she did not. He had closed it with an old-fashioned lock. He retrieved his key and unlocked it. Jim reached his hand inside and withdrew a small box he had bought at the last planet they’d visited. It contained native made cookies. Jim withdrew four of the square cookies and shoved them into his mouth. He chewed rapidly, closing his eyes in relief.
He put his hand to his stomach and sat on the floor of his quarters. He didn’t particularly savor the cookies. He barely tasted them when he swallowed them. But he’d needed them, nevertheless.
Jim stared at the remaining cookies in the box. He’d purchased twenty boxes down on the planet. It hadn’t been easy to get them without being noticed. He now only had ten of the boxes of cookies left. With a shaking hand, he picked up the other four cookies and shoved them into his mouth.
****
“You are very quiet tonight, Captain,” Spock said, from his seat across from Jim. The 3D chess set was between them.
“Am I? I don’t mean to be.” Jim stood. “Want some more tea?”
“Yes.”
Jim got Spock tea and himself a hot chocolate, brimming with extra mini-marshmallows. Spock arched a curious brow at him but said nothing.
“Missed you at breakfast.”
“I had some experiments to keep track of.”
“Oh. Yeah. Makes sense.”
A moment later, Spock declared, “Checkmate.”
“Damn,” Jim said with a smile. Spock looked downright smug, which just tugged on Jim’s heart. He had it bad. Spock was gorgeous and flipped every switch Jim had. Which thought just made him smile wider.
“So, um, you’re not with Uhura,” he heard himself suddenly blurt out. He wanted to kick himself in the shin.
“I am not.”
“You didn’t mention it.”
Spock paused as he took a long sip of his tea. “Was that a requirement?”
Now Jim felt kind of stupid. “No. Not a requirement. Exactly.”
“It does not affect my performance in any way. Nor do I believe it affects the lieutenant’s.”
“No, I know. But you said we’re friends, right?”
“Yes.” But Jim noticed a tightening around Spock’s shoulders.
“Friends share that information is all. Usually.”
“I find my intimate relationships to be extremely personal, Captain. I do not believe regulations require me to divulge such information and I do not believe it is appropriate to speak of it,” Spock said coolly. “Even with you.”
Ouch. Well, that was quite clear.
“I mean no offense, Captain. As a Vulcan we value our privacy even during casual friendships.”
Jim blinked and licked his lips. Casual friendships. Just got better and better.
“I’m not offended, Spock. I did think we were better than casual friends.”
“It is merely a word choice, Captain. No true reflection on the depth of our friendship.”
Jim nodded. Took a sip of his cocoa. He really didn’t know why he felt compelled to say a word. Really. But yet it was like he could not keep his mouth shut. Short of sewing it closed.
“Maybe I was thinking of more than a friendship,” Jim said softly.
“Captain?”
“You-you know, um, the truth is, I’m in love with you, Spock.”
Dead silence greeted his declaration. Spock said nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just stared blankly at Jim. Jim’s heart now pounded so hard in his chest, he wondered if he was having an attack.
He wanted to say something. Anything. Maybe take it back? Jim didn’t know. He just knew that the heart pounding in his chest was slowly cracking the longer Spock remained silent.
“It’s generally preferable to provide some sort of response, Spock,” Jim finally got out, past the sawdust in his mouth. Jesus, what had he done?
“I do not return your feelings,” Spock said, and Jim wished he hadn’t insisted Spock respond. “You are my friend and commanding officer, however, I do not view you as an ideal romantic partner in any way.”
Jim went into another place in his head. It was either that or show some really ridiculous emotional display. He knew how to go to this other place. He had a lot of practice. Since he was just a boy.
“Vulcans value fidelity. My knowledge of your personal history is that you do not. You are, to put it bluntly, Captain, promiscuous. You would be the furthest thing from an ideal mate I can imagine.”
Jim heard the words. They buzzed in his ears, twisted in his head, and stabbed his heart. He forced the hurt away and concentrated on his tropical island. There no one could hurt him. At night he could lie on the island and gaze at the stars and be lost in them.
“Captain?” Spock’s voice broke through. He’d been continuing to speak and Jim had blocked it all out.
Jim managed to fake a smile. “No worries, Spock. It’s fine.”
“I do not intend to offend you.”
Jim wondered how harsh Spock would be if he intended to offend him. But he pushed that away, too. Really all that mattered about any of this was that Spock didn’t want him. He wasn’t interested in Jim. In any way. Period.
“You didn’t. It’s all good. We can remain friends. Right?”
“I hope so,” Spock said quietly. “I do not have many.”
“You still have me.” Jim finished his cocoa and stood. He turned toward the closet where he kept his bag. He clenched his fists.
Spock stood behind him. “I shall retire for the evening. I find myself fatigued.”
Jim nodded, licked his lips. “Me, too. Night, Mr. Spock. Thanks for the games.”
As soon as Spock was gone, he opened his closet and took out more cookies. Before he even thought about it, he had eaten two more boxes.