Chapter Text
Sam hated being touched.
Theo noticed pretty early on in their relationship, but now that they had opened it up to others, this particular quirk of Sam’s really stood out.
Every time they brought another man into their bed, Theo would see how while Sam had no issue touching them and moving them into proper positions, if he or the other men tried to touch Sam, he’d deftly move out of the way, making the gesture seem natural rather than defensive.
To make matters worse, Sam had become more and more detached, more often than not getting exuberantly high on cocaine before sex and leaving right after. Theo was grateful that even with his brain muddled with the haze of coke, Sam still managed to take care of him and whoever else they brought into their bed, following all necessary aftercare precautions, but again, when Theo tried to do the same, even just cuddle with his fucking boyfriend, Sam would leave with some bullshit excuse.
It annoyed Theo, but more than that it concerned him.
They had been dating for a couple years now, and while this whole touch aversion thing had always been a constant with Sam, the distance between them was new, and upsetting.
He wondered if it had to do with the opening of their relationship.
The idea was Theo’s, not because of Sam, but because he thought maybe having other men touch him would get him used to the sensation, or something. In hindsight, it hadn’t been Theo’s brightest moment, but Sam seemed open to the idea, and thus the plan went through. Except, instead of being more receptive to touch, Sam seemed even less inclined to it, to the point of using toys and harnesses to tie him and their partner up, just to keep their hands off of him. That combined with the distance made Theo endlessly berate himself for somehow walking their relationship back ten steps in the pursuit of moving forward one.
Sighing, Theo shook his head and slumped on the sofa in their living room.
He’d begun dozing off when he heard the front door unlock, and Theo sat up quickly as he saw Sam walk into the living room, tossing the keys on the counter. He could tell by the way he moved that Sam was sober for once, and Theo felt the need to take advantage of the rare occasion.
“Hey. Good day?” Theo started, standing up and walking over to Sam, tilting his head up to capture his lips in a soft kiss.
Humming softly, Sam leaned into the kiss, his hands coming up to hold Theo’s waist and Theo savoured the moment. Sam was always so much softer and gentle sober, but at the same time he held this heavy, sorrowful air around him, and Theo would give anything to know why, and to help his lover, even a little.
Breaking the kiss, Sam smiled a little. Not one of those snarky, shallow ones that he gives to strangers, but the rare, special smile he sometimes gives to Theo when he’s feeling particularly open.
“Mm, yes. I showed your newest photos off to a colleague of mine. They said you’d be able to exhibit your pieces at the museum downtown next month.”
Theo grinned brightly and kissed Sam again. “Shit! That’s amazing. Thank you!”
Sam chuckled against Theo’s lips. “Of course, baby.”
The two continued to deepen the kiss, their breaths coming out heavier until Theo nudged the two of them into their bedroom, disrobing as they went. It had been ages since they had sex alone, and even longer since they had sex with Sam sober, and Theo wasn’t about to let the opportunity pass him by.
On the bed, Theo crawled on top of Sam, rocking their bare hips together and moaning softly. Sam huffed, reaching up to cup the back of Theo’s neck and rolled them over so he was on top, continuing to kiss him deeply, nipping at the bottom of his lip. The pace was novel - a calm and oddly vanilla moment for them, but it was endlessly intimate, and Theo wanted it to last forever.
Sam moved from kissing Theo to nipping at his neck, making Theo moan softly and rock his hips up against his boyfriend’s. So overwhelmed with their passion, Theo moved to gently grab at the back of Sam’s neck, intent on kissing him again.
And then.
Theo gasped as Sam shot backwards, a wounded noise escaping him that Theo had never heard from Sam in his life.
Panting softly, all arousal fled his body as panic began to take over when he saw Sam, huddled at the edge of the bed, his eyes sightless and fearful.
“Sam?” Theo crawled forward slowly towards him on the bed and paused when Sam stiffened further, practically curling in on himself and holding the back of his neck where Theo had barely touched him.
Suddenly, things started to click into place, and Theo felt a small sense of dread fill his body.
“Sam, babe–”
“Don’t.” Sam grit out tightly.
Theo swallowed and held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Hey, you’re okay. You’re in our house, you just got back from a meeting. You’re safe, Sam.” he spoke softly, hoping to try and help him feel safe and bring him back to the present.
Slowly, Sam’s posture began to ease, though he still held a tension in his body that Theo knew was either from anxiety or the shame of losing his composure.
Giving a weak smile, Theo reached out gingerly. “Can I touch you?”
Sam snorted. “Don’t fucking patronise me.” he snapped, and under different circumstances, Theo would’ve risen to the bait, but Sam still looked like a cornered animal trying everything to be left alone.
Putting a gentle hand on Sam’s shoulder, a place Theo had touched him before, and thus knew wouldn’t spark another reaction, he rubbed soothing circles into it.
“Sam, what happened? Are you okay?”
“It’s nothing, you just startled me.” Sam grunted, swinging long legs over the side of the bed.
“Sam, just talk to me, you really freaked me out there.” Theo protested, but Sam ignored him, pulling on his boxers hastily and going over to the dresser where he kept a small container of cocaine, grabbing the tin.
No.
Leaping off the bed, Theo moved to stand in front of Sam and gripped his wrist before he could hold the tin up to his nose, earning a scowl.
“Theo–”
“No. You’ve been so distant lately, and you never let me touch you before either, and now this? Sam, talk to me.”
“I don’t have to say anything! You caught me off guard, now let go .” Sam growled, but Theo didn’t budge.
A tense moment passed.
Theo gave him a pleading look. “Sam, please .”
Sam stared at Theo for another long moment before sighing and letting him take the cocaine tin out of his hand.
Theo kissed Sam gently in thanks, though Sam didn’t reciprocate, his body tense and discomfort radiating off him in waves. Without all the confidence and swagger, Sam was nearly unrecognisable.
Pulling back, Theo held Sam by the shoulders gently. “Talk to me.” he urged softly, and Sam sighed.
“You know exactly what happened, Theo.”
Theo swallowed, choosing his next words carefully. Sam clearly wasn’t in the right headspace to talk about the traumatic event that made him so averse to touch, and Theo knew he had already pushed his boyfriend enough for the day. All he could do was be there for him and hope that Sam would trust him enough to tell him in the future.
“Can you tell me,” he started slowly, “if there’s anywhere else on your body that would cause that kind of reaction?”
Sam stiffened, but Theo continued to rub soothing circles into his shoulders, purposefully keeping his demeanour unthreatening and open. At first, Theo thought that Sam had shut down and wouldn’t reply when he relaxed marginally, looking more defeated than he’d ever seen him.
“I don’t like being touched during sex, Theo.”
Theo hummed softly, not pressing. “And outside of sex?”
Another tense silence.
“You’re safe here, Sam. I’m not going to use any of this against you.”
Sam bit his lip, and Theo knew he’d hit the reason for his reluctance right on the head.
“...My back.”
“Okay.”
“And my chest.”
Theo nodded, and listened as Sam slowly listed more areas, taking mental note of each. His concern grew when he realised that there were only a few sparse areas that Sam hadn’t listed as red zones. Just what had happened to his boyfriend? Theo felt an unfamiliar surge of protectiveness well up within him and he sighed softly.
“Thank you for telling me, Sam.”
Sam scoffed, but it was weak and exhausted. “I’m… tired, Theo.” he said softly, and pulled out of Theo’s grasp, moving back to the bed and crawling under the covers without another word.
Theo watched as Sam’s breathing slowly even out before going to the dresser, pulling on a pair of ratty sweatpants and, after a moment of thought, grabbed the cocaine tin, went into the bathroom and dumped the contents into the toilet, flushing it unceremoniously. It was somewhat useless, he knew - Sam had stashes of cocaine all over the house, and was connected well enough to get more whenever he pleased, but Theo idly hoped that maybe he and Sam could slowly move away from it.
Going back to the bedroom, Theo turned off the rest of the lights and settled into the bed next to Sam, careful not to startle him awake. He stared at his back, noticing for the first time that it was littered with faded scars, and wanted nothing more than to touch him, to make him feel okay.
Tomorrow, Theo promised to himself. Tomorrow, things would change.