Chapter Text
Chapter 01 The Need For Change
“You have to do something about your brother, Tommy.” I hear as I just lay in the guest room drinking myself numb. It feels weird being called his brother now that I’m permanently stuck in this body. It doesn’t really matter but it’s odd being aware of no longer being a man. Sometimes I get drunk enough to forget and have a moment of surprise and concern in the bathroom. But that’s about it. Menstruation sucks. But it’s still better than being trapped as a lich for all eternity. Woman or undead, easy choice. Living without Emily, much, much harder.
“He just… he needs some time.” Tommy defends me as if there’s any amount of time that can make living without the woman I’ve been with for over a thousand years any less painful. I’ve heard that it takes half the length of a relationship to get over it. We were married for… for… you know after nine hundred we just stopped counting. The years all blurred together when I was helping reforest Ixdela, or as they call it now, Medemia. But I know it was at least a thousand. So well over five hundred years before I’ll be okay again. How can I possibly live five hundred years without her?
“Time is not going to help him, Tommy. He needs help. Help you can’t give him. You love him too much, and you’re just too close to it. That’s all. You know that. Don’t you? We couldn’t get over our problems by ourselves. And we have someone coming now. We can’t afford to spend so much time taking care of him. I know… I know you think you can do it. Maybe you can. Maybe we can.” She corrects herself. “But Tommy, we can’t just leave him like this.”
“I know.” He sighs. “What can I do? I can’t do anything he won’t let me do. You know it doesn’t work that way. He just... He doesn’t want to get better.”
“I know.”Tania sighs
“I think… I think that he thinks it’d be like a betrayal. I don’t know how to convince him it’s not.”
“I know that. That’s why I’m saying we should get help. It’s not as if we can’t afford it.”
“I know.”
“I love him, too, you know that Tommy.”
“I know.”
“I hate that he’s hurting so much.”
“I think… I think when the baby comes, he’ll straighten up. He’ll have a reason. He won’t ever let himself be drunk around children again.”
“I don’t think addiction works that way, Tommy.” I hear my sister in law sigh. They’re expecting a baby? They’re expecting a baby. I guess they really are completely back together. I wasn’t sure she’d ever forgive him. It goes to show when you really love someone you can’t stay away. How do you function without half your soul? You don’t. You shouldn’t. What does it even matter anyway?
“Dawn.” I hear my brother’s voice as I just sit in the corner of the room.
“Don’t call me that.”
“What? Your name?”
“That’s not my name.” I argue.
“Oh? What’s your name then?” He asks slowly, as if he thinks I”m going crazy.
“Don.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No, you didn’t you called me Dawn.”
“That’s the same thing!”
“No, it’s not! You… you’re spelling it wrong!” There’s a load of silence as he’s probably not sure what to say to that. I feel like an idiot. I feel… I don’t want to feel. But it’s not working as well as it used to. I need something stronger.
“No, you need some water.”Tommy places a basket down on the floor and brings me a glass.
“Fuck water. I…” I get to my feet but the movement makes me nauseous and I rush over to the basket so I don’t throw up on the floor. Unfortunately when I throw up in the basket, it starts to cry.
Fuck.
“I threw up on a baby didn’t I?” I hold a bag of ice to my aching throbbing head.
“Yes, yes you did.”
“I thought Tania was pregnant!”
“No. We adopted.” He says quietly.
“Oh.” I take the mug of bone broth from him. “I didn’t know there was a baby in there.”
“I know. Ron’s kind of quiet.”
“Who’s kind of quiet?” I look up at him as he says the name.
“The baby.”
“Did you name your new son after our father?” I ask quietly, not quite believing it. There’s no possible way he’d do that. “Please tell me that’s what his mother called him and you just want to respect that or something.”
“No, but I didn’t give him the full name. Just Ron. That’s all. I’m not cruel.”
“You little bastard. How could you? I know you never knew him. I know you probably heard all sorts of good things about him from the people he was actually good to but that wasn’t us. He made us to kill us. He made you to kill you and take over your body and you name your son after him?”
“I don’t expect you to understand.” Tommy looks away.
“Good. Because I sure as fuck don’t.”
“There was good in him.” Tommy says after a minute.
“So fucking what?”
“So the good needs to be acknowledged. We can’t just pretend that people are all good or all bad or are anything but complex creatures. Creatures who can be saved as easily as they can be corrupted. No matter how easy or hard it is. I need to remember that. You should, too. Don’t you think it’s time to forgive him yet?”
“No. No, I don’t. I’m… it doesn’t hurt me anymore. He can’t hurt me any more but I have no desire to forgive him. I don’t need to. I’ve forgiven enough people enough things. I don’t need to forgive him. So Tania’s probably mad at me.”
“Yeah.” He sighs.
“Because of course, you had to tell her.”
“I’m not you, I can’t just magically clean up everything myself. I’m just a telepath. Besides, if I didn’t tell her the maid certainly would have.”
“You should just let me go back home and stay there. Stop bringing me back here and nursing me back to health and all that other bullshit. Just… just let go. Okay?’
“You first.” He stubbornly sets his jaw.
“She was my wife, Tommy.”
“And I’m your brother.” he turns and walks out of the room.
“I know.” I sigh and finish my soup. It’s enough to keep me here, but it’s not enough to make the pain something I can handle on my own. He doesn’t need me, though. Not really. He has his wife. He has a baby now. Hopefully he won’t fuck up this one quite so much.
That’s not fair. It wasn’t his fault. Not really. Whatever Terry learned that made him do what he did, he didn’t learn it from us, he learned it out there. Well I guess it’s out here now. Tania always wants to be around people. I wonder how Tommy handles it. I wonder if he puts the wall up more to block everyone out.
It takes forever, but my headache finally goes away. And I only have to drink half a bottle to make it go away. How much am I drinking now? I wonder. If I just… stop, will I survive it? I should go home. Someone has to keep up the house. I’m surprised it’s still standing. I don’t know how often I repaired or rejuvenated that place. It’s probably older than we are. Than I am. She doesn’t live there anymore. She’s dead. Emily’s dead. My wife is dead. And she’s not coming back. If it weren’t for my goddamn father and that bitch Jessica I’d be dead too. Those bastards. I want to go home.
I slowly pull myself together and exit the guest room. I can hear a baby cooing in the other room. They didn’t get a newborn apparently. I probably owe him an apology. When I open the door all the way, I can see the mobile swaying and turning slightly in the wind. But there’s no wind outside. Little Ron is waving his hands back and forth at it. The mobile swaying in the wind. Wind. Not telekenisis, wind. Actual wind in a room with closed windows. Fuck.
“So, Ms. Johnston.” The intake worker looks over the papers my brother filled out. “Dawn Delia Johnston.” I give a smile. Tommy put my mother’s name as my new middle name. “Can I call you Dawn?”
“Sure, what the hell.” I sigh and look out the window.
“So it says here you are seventeen.” Of course it does. “A very tall seventeen I see.” he jokes, though that’s not much of a joke. I’m taller in my sister’s body than I was in my own, even if it is her as a teenager “I think there’s a typo here it says your birthday is May 31st, but there are only twenty eight days in May.”
“The fuck.. Since when?” I frown.
“Since always?” He looks at me oddly.
“Okay. Um, I don’t know it doens’t matter. May twenty eighth? Or.. let’s just go with June 1st. There is still a june first isn’t there?”
“I’ll ask your brother again.” he makes a note on the pad.
“Look, he doesn’t know my birthday. I don’t know my birthday. Nobody knows my birthday. They didn’t keep track. We just know that it’s in May and when it’s June I’m definitely a year older so we chose the last day of May. But I”m fine with the first day of June because I’m pretty sure if they change the calendar again, they won’t eliminate days at the beginning of the month.” I rest my head on my hand, leaning on my elbow. God. I need a drink. Not that I can drink here.
Fuck it. What do I care? I’m not admitted yet. I bring up a flask and take a drink. Disgusting but strong, so it’s perfect. There we go, that’s better. He just looks at me.
“Want some?” I offer, staring right back at him.
“Dawn, this is a completely voluntary institution. If you don’t want to be here, we won’t take you.” he folds his hands together over the folder. “We’re not one of those places where the rich shove their troublesome relatives away from the world to prevent disgrace. This is a place of healing and recovery. And unfortunately it requires your complete and willing cooperation to do so.”
“I’m not in here yet.” I mutter and send it back.
“Do you want to be here?”
“Yes.” I reply. “And no. But kind of. I’m not being pressured by anyone. I asked for this.” I hope that’s answer enough. He starts writing things down again.
“Why are you here?”
“My nephew.”
“Would you care to elaborate?”
“My nephew is a magical prodigy. If I don’t dry out and pull myself together, he’s going to hurt himself and everything and every one around him. It just seems to be wind now, and just enough to shake the mobile but this is going to cause serious problems, you don’t even know.” I press my palms into my eyes. “I can’t…I have to do this. I have to. I just have to. And I have to make sure I don’t die in the process and since it’s been a million years since I really practiced medicine I can’t even pretend I can do it myself. Tommy says this is the best place to get better.”
“Your nephew is only a couple months old.” he frowns.
“Yeah. He’s adopted but I half suspect he might actually be my nephew. Or at least a direct descendant of a cousin or something. Possibly. My brother was telepathic in the womb, before he was even born, so it’s not exactly unheard of for talent to start early in my family.”
“I see.” He makes some more notes. I wish I knew what he was writing. I can’t believe they’re still using quill pens. Granted there’s been more focus on surviving than innovation for a very long time. But given how much writing people do, you’d think they’d at least get pens up to the same quality as across the border or similar.
“So am I rich enough to come here?” I slouch down in the chair, resting a foot against the desk in front of me. It’s probably going to leave a mark. I’ll clean it up before I go.
“Sit up straight, dear.” The secretary taps my shoulder as she brings in some tea for me. “Like a lady.” I don’t miss the look she’s giving me. It’s one that means I’m not getting any damn tea until I sit like a lady. Which would be fine but I’ll need it to take the willow extract also on the tray for me. I sigh and sit up, straightening my skirt and try to remember how Tania’s been sitting lately. “That’s better.” Though clearly ‘better’ is all that can be said about it as she still has her lips pursed as she gives me the tea and lets me take the pills.
“Ms. Efraime here is in charge of the dormitories for our young ladies. Your brother has specifically requested private rooms for you, but that will depend entirely on what we have available when you are admitted.”
“I’m a lesbian.” I lie as the best explanation I can give for why I should not be put in a dorm room with half a dozen teenage girls. He looks at me a moment before going back to writing things down.
“I am also in charge of etiquette and deportment. Just because you are in recovery does not mean you have to neglect your formal education and proper upbringing. We are preparing you for when you have to re-enter society. And as the younger sister of The Head of the Telepath’s Guild, you will have a social duty to fulfil. It is my job to make sure you know how to properly comport yourself. Whether you choose to do so or not once you are out is not my concern.” Ms. Efraime, who I thought was the secretary, says primly. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
“I don’t suppose there’s any way to put me in the same program you’d place an adult male?” I ask. I’m promptly ignored. Fuck.
“How did it go?” Tommy asks as I enter the carriage. I just glare at him. “I’m sorry. There was no way to get you enrolled as an adult male when you are physically, very much a teenage girl. But even with that, they still are the best. And it’s not as if you can’t do it. You had to learn things like this before joining the council didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I don’t think thousand year old etiquette will help me much here. It’s not the same time, it’s not even the same goddamn kingdom. Hell, it’s not the same fucking language anymore. If it weren’t for Emily dragging me all over the place I wouldn’t even speak Medemian.” I sigh. “Maybe needlepoint will be the same. And cross stitch.”
“You can do cross stitch?”
“No, but I understand the principle.” I lean against the carriage window. “So did Princess Joy want to smack your face off when you tried to put her in a place like that, too?” I grin at him. He gives an exasperated sigh.
“Please don’t mention her. That woman still gives me a headache. And she’s been dead since before the damn war.” Tommy rubs his temples. “So you’re not going to go?”
“I’m going to go.”I sigh. “Can you keep things under control until I get out?”
“I’ll do my best. I’m going to try and get someone to seal him up. But the younger they are the quicker they undo it.” he reminds me.
“Right.”
“Did they tell you about the debut they throw you all at the end of the program?” Tommy grins at me.
“I hate you so fucking much right now.” I mutter. “ Why couldn’t you have studied this crap?”
“Because my speciality is reform, not recovery. Your ethics aren’t the problem. Your addiction and depression are.” he reminds me. “This can help you with that. At least the addiction part. We’ll get you a private therapist once you’ve straightened out enough to come home.”
“Right.” I mumble. “So, seventeen year old Dawn Delia Johnston, huh? Your little sister?” I grin at him. He just gives me a sheepish smile.
“The truth would get us both committed. I know you don’t lie worth a damn so I just told them you were prone to exaggeration and hyperbole but not an actual pathological liar. Hopefully they’ll believe me on that last part so long as you avoid telling any too outlandish truths until we get you therapy at home.”
“I will try to avoid the truth as much as possible.” I clench my fist, trying to resist the urge to bring up something else to drink. “Are they going to seal me away, too?”
“Well, they’re going to try.” Tommy says hopefully. “I’m going to ask you not to try and undo it.”
“I’ll do my best, Tommy. I promise. With the whole thing.”
“I know you will.” Tommy nods and looks out the window as we near their town house. “They’re going to take you.”
“I know. You’re rich. They were always going to take me unless I outright refused to go.”
“True.” he smiles. “I like having money.”
“It is better than not having it.” I admit. “So you’re practicing again, and getting paid for it this time.”
“Yes, I am. Have you thought about becoming a caster professionally?”
“I’m a magician, Tommy.” I remind him. “If I do anything, I’ll do that.”
“Dawn.”He softly says my new name. “Dawn, you can’t anymore.”
“Right.” I remember. Magician was just the name for medicinal alchemist. And you can’t be a medicinal alchemist if you can’t do alchemy. My sister couldn’t do alchemy. No alchemical talent whatesover. Well, there goes the other half of my soul.