Chapter Text
“Hell no!” Kacchan roared. “I am not breaking into fucking Hobo-sensei’s dorm! Are you idiots insane? What the hell?”
The whole class was sitting, scattered around the common room, though most of them were in a large circle in the middle of it. Izuku had cleared some space beforehand by lifting up the couches they usually sat on when they had movie nights together. Kaminari and Sero had gotten alcohol from… somewhere (Izuku didn’t even want to know what shady people they’d had to deal with). They would’ve had a much easier time if Yaoyorozu had made it with her Quirk, but alas, she insisted that creating things you could get from a store would eventually ruin the economy. She couldn’t be swayed even by Todoroki promising to buy all her tea for the rest of their high school years.
“You did choose a dare, Bakubro,” said Kirishima, tilting the glass of sweet, bright-colored liquid towards the aforementioned spiky-haired blond.(an actual glass, not a plastic cup, because as drunk and underage as they were, at least they were eco-friendly).
“Yeah, ‘cause I’m not a pussy!”
“Well, then what’s the problem?” Ashido asked, leaning towards Kacchan teasingly. “You chicken?”
“Aww, he’s scared!” A very drunk Sero cooed while pouring himself what must’ve been his – fourth? Fifth? – one of the night.
“Fuck every single one of you drunk-ass bastards!” Kacchan said with a huff and stood up before stomping out of the common room, towards the teachers’ dorms.
“If you insist,” Kirishima called after him, winking exaggeratedly. In response, he got an extremely exasperated noise from Kacchan that could be heard through the wall.
“Ookayy!” Kaminari slurred and took another sip of whatever concoction he’d mixed this time, “While Bakugou’s getting murdered by Sensei,” he giggled, “we, uh… wait, what were we doing?”
“Truth or dare,” Shinsou reminded helpfully.
“Right! Thanks Hitoshi, you are literally the love of my life, I could kiss you right now,” he spoke as he dramatically flopped on him. This made Shinsou’s face flush even redder than it already was, and look down into his cup as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
To Izuku’s knowledge, Shinsou and Kaminari weren’t dating yet, but he was almost certain they liked each other. He noticed all the little glances and blushes, the way Kaminari insisted on asking for help with his homework from Shinsou and not Bakugou, Iida or Yaoyorozu even though he was significantly lower in the class rankings than they were. Shinsou making Kaminari (and only Kaminari) coffee every single morning – with plenty of milk and sugar, just how he liked it. The self-proclaimed Bakusquad nudging Kaminari and sending him pointed looks every time Shinsou walked by. It really wasn’t that hard to tell.
Izuku still hoped he could have that feeling someday. Well, he just had to stay patient, right? The right person would come along eventually, that’s what they all said.
“Anyways,” Kaminari started again, “what I was gonna say was let’s move on! Who’s next?”
There was a pause as his half-lidded eyes slid across the circle of teenagers, eventually landing on… Izuku’s. Great, awesome, just fantastic .
“Midoriya!” He yelled, his face lit up with a wide smile. “You haven’t gone at all tonight! Truth or dare?”
“Uh… truth?”
“Wimp,” Ashido said, concealing it with a cough.
“Hmmm,” Kaminari hummed in deep thought. “Out of everyone here, who do you like? Like… like like.”
Ah, shit . The dreaded question. Of course, with his luck, Izuku would get that one. How could he be so stupid as to pick truth when Kaminari was the one asking? Well, on the other hand, he wouldn’t exactly want to join Kacchan on his suicide mission either. This is exactly why he should’ve gone with his original plan, just faking an illness or something to stay in his dorm. What made him think that he should join the class for game night?.
“Well…”
He scanned the faces of his classmates, who were all staring at him intently, eagerly waiting, hungry for an answer. And this answer would probably have consequences . Izuku could only imagine the teasing, the suggestive remarks, the… everything, regardless of whom he named.
He looked at everyone in the circle, trying to find at least one of them that he could picture himself in a relationship with. But… there just wasn’t anyone! This – this isn’t enough people! Maybe if their class was bigger, if there were fifty people, a hundred, maybe he could choose then. His standards were just too high, and no one here was meeting them.
“…No one?”
They all groaned, some frustrated, some disappointed. “Come on, Midoriya!” Kaminari said, leaning towards the other boy in disbelief. ”There must be at least someone! You can’t actually not like anyone!”
“You can tell us, right guys?” Ashido asked, and she was met with murmurs of agreement.
“Okay, okay, fine!” he hissed. “Just… let me think.”
Uh… Uraraka? Uraraka was pretty, wasn’t she? She had big eyes and shiny hair and a cute nose. He enjoyed spending time with her. She was a really good friend. So maybe her?
Izuku lifted up the glass full of a mixture of gin and some new, trendy soda everyone had been obsessed with since it came out. He knocked his head back and drained the glass – for an added boost of courage and to numb the unwanted feelings . While he knew that the eyes trained on his adam’s apple as it bobbed with his gulps were meant to be some sort of an indirect compliment, he couldn’t feel anything other than discomfort, knowing he was being perceived in that way.
He sighed briefly. Well, here goes nothing, I guess. “Maybe… Uraraka?”
Instantly, the whole class started ‘ooh’-ing and winking in both their directions. Some were making kissy faces, some were saying suggestive remarks. Yaoyorozu told them to knock it off, but of course they didn’t listen.
He tried to look unbothered by it all. Tried to laugh it off, to not start fiddling with the hem of his shirt as Kirishima’s heavy hand came to pat him on the back. To not let his eyes wander away from the group, trained on some faraway cabinet or any of the bottles collecting on the countertops. To keep an easy smile on his face. Act like he was supposed to. Act normal.
He felt a prickling on the back of his neck. Since he was a hero-in-training, he knew exactly what this feeling meant. He was being watched.
As subtly as possible, he turned around to scan the couch behind him and met heterochromatic eyes. Todoroki was gazing at him curiously with a blank face, as if deep in thought. He was simply observing Izuku like an experiment of some sort, just wanting to see what would happen next. Izuku lightly furrowed his brows in question, then turned back around to face the group.
After what felt like hours of his classmates going wild over ‘UA’s hot, new power couple’ and ignoring the deep-seated discomfort growing in his stomach, Tsu finally reminded them that they were still playing Truth or Dare and that they should probably continue. Immediately, Ashido snatched the opportunity and whirled around on Uraraka.
“Urarakaa!” she sing-songed, wildly off-key. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
She spoke shyly, with a smile on her face and her cheeks even pinker than usual, now being somewhat reminiscent of the color of Ashido’s skin. Izuku wanted to run away, or to at least bury his face in his hands, because he just knew what was about to happen next. They all did, he supposed. So why, knowing what she’d be dared to do, did she choose it anyway? This, the thing that people just did because they were supposed to? What they, well, tolerated because that was the norm?
“Kiss Midoriya. I know you want to,” Ashido said, almost mockingly, with a fuckboy face.
Why did Uraraka look like she wanted this? His lips on hers, their bodies so, so close, with no space between them?
It wasn’t even the closeness he was uncomfortable with. It was the implications of what comes out of it, the seeming emotions it was declaring to the world. The emotions he didn’t have. Yet, he reminded himself. You don’t have them yet .
As Uraraka giddily walked over to him, he steeled himself, taking a few deep breaths. This was going to be his first kiss. He didn’t particularly want it to happen like this, at a party on a dare when both of them were at least a couple drinks in, but he knew he had to get it over with someday. Preferably sometime soon, as most of his classmates had kissed someone already.
When he’d imagined how his first kiss would go, it was something so romantic, so monumental, and it would happen with the love of his life at sunset with an amazing view and a soft breeze running through his hair. It was decidedly not this.
But Uraraka was nice, wasn’t she? He liked her. He did. He would, with time, if she gave him a chance. She could be the love of his life.
Blood rushed to his ears and his stomach churned when Uraraka leaned in. Were these the butterflies everyone was talking about? Why did all of the songs say they felt good?
Their lips made contact, and Izuku waited for the euphoria to kick in. That feeling of everything clicking into place, their lips fitting against each other like puzzle pieces, the desire for more, more, more. But there was only…
Nothing.
Emptiness.
He moved his lips to kiss her back, like he’d seen it described in books, shown in movies. It was wet, and slimy, and weird. He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad kind of weird. Just… a neutral kind, he guessed.
Maybe he just needed to do it more! He’d read lots of stories where people’s first kiss wasn’t necessarily the best. He’d just need to get better at it, and over time, he’d start to enjoy it. Or maybe, it had something to do with feelings, like, it would only feel good if he truly loved someone.
Uraraka pulled away, a sweaty, breathless, blushing mess. He supposed the kiss was better for her than it was for him. Or she was just acting, playing up her emotions.
“U-um,” she started, taking a strand of hair between her fingers and twirling it around nervously. “Deku, will you – um…” Taking a deep breath, she quickly blurted out, “I’ve liked you for a long time like since our first year and I’m glad it’s mutual and willyoubemyboyfriend?”
It’s like the whole room held its breath. Everyone was silent for a few seconds, as the meaning of Uraraka’s declaration sank in. The longer Izuku waited, the more pressure he could feel on his shoulders from everyone in the class. It was mounting up exponentially, a suffocating feeling with an underlying message of ‘don’t say no and embarrass her, or else’.
In the limited time he had, Izuku thought about the decision he was about to make. He liked Uraraka, liked hanging out with her, liked the pride her compliments lit up in him. She was loyal, uplifting and extremely sweet. He’d hate to lose the bond they’d built during the time they’d known each other.
Besides, taking things to the next level sounded nice. Their trust in each other would grow deeper, and maybe she’d be his companion for life, bringing him an unmatched sense of belonging with her. Maybe he didn’t feel that romantic spark now, but if he just agreed, he was sure it’d grow and blossom over time.
People could learn to love each other if they were just together long enough, right?
“Yeah,” he said with a warm smile. “I’d love to be your boyfriend.”
Uraraka exploded with glee, brighter than she ever had until now. Izuku was sure the alcohol had something to do with that, because surely his agreement wouldn’t have made her that happy if she’d been sober. She pulled him by the collar of his shirt into another kiss, this one deeper than the previous one, her tongue sliding into his mouth with minimal resistance, which was only possible because of shock making his jaw slack. There were several loud whoops and wolf whistles from their class, one voice even telling them to get a room. Which, amazingly, Uraraka didn’t take seriously, simply flipping off the general direction of the voice once she broke the kiss.
The rest of the night went somewhat normally, and their class eventually moved on from watching his and Uraraka’s every move. Though, every question and dare they both got did have something to do with their new relationship, such as Uraraka being dared to sit on Izuku’s lap for the rest of the night or Izuku being asked which of her features he found the sexiest (his answer, which was her personality, didn’t seem to satisfy them).
After the game was over and everyone went to their rooms, Izuku laid on his bed in wonder. He had a girlfriend! He’d had his first kiss! Not that it’d been the kiss of his dreams, but it was a kiss nonetheless. He’d finally achieved that quintessential teenage milestone… or something like that. And this relationship, it would be the start of something beautiful. He’d probably talk about this night to his and Uraraka’s children. If she wanted them, of course.
This was the start of the romance that would sweep him off his feet.
***
Being with Ochako was… nice. Comfortable. Izuku liked how often they would go to one of their rooms just to cuddle and spend time together, just the two of them. Now, instead of struggling with homework all by himself, he had his girlfriend next to him – and wow, calling her his girlfriend was so weird! Weird, yet somehow amazing. He had a girlfriend now! He had this relationship, this thing that everyone said was the best in the world.
But… was it truly? Weren’t couples just essentially friends who kissed each other and had sex? How was that so much better than just being regular friends? How much did all that really add to a friendship?
And on top of that, the whole time they were together… Izuku just kind of felt like he was lying. Did Ochako mean it when she said he was her whole world? He certainly didn’t, when he said it back. Or, at least, he was severely exaggerating his words.
This was normal, right? Everyone felt this way. Even Shinsou and Kaminari (who’d mysteriously gotten together right after Truth or Dare night, announcing it to the class at breakfast the following morning), they were faking it as well, to some extent. They didn’t really mean the giddy smiles whenever they broke apart from a kiss, they were just playing it up for each other, weren’t they?
Wasn’t everyone?
After two months of dating, he was still waiting for those lovey-dovey feelings to start bubbling up. Ochako’s were already in full swing. Actually, they had been since that first night and were now starting to calm down. From the shows he’d watched, he’d say they were probably nearing the end of the honeymoon phase. Which, to be honest, Izuku was fully on board with. He was waiting for the obligatory (and unnecessary) make-out sessions every time they saw each to stop.
He'd start liking it eventually, right? This was just new for him. He’d need time to get used to it… or something. In a little bit, he’d be head over heels for his girlfriend. He just had to be patient...
***
Todoroki was staring at him.
This wasn’t anything unusual. He’d gotten used to it by now. What weirded him out, though, was that this time, they were alone.
Ever since the party, Izuku had noticed Todoroki looking at him whenever he was with Ochako. Straight-up staring into his soul. It was like his classmate’s gaze was piercing his skull and seeing his innermost thoughts. He felt Todoroki watching his every move, noticing every single twitch of his fingers, every minor facial expression, the subconscious things even he himself didn’t realize he was doing.
He didn’t tell anybody about it, of course. They’d think he was crazy. What possible reason could Todoroki have to not take his eyes off Izuku when he was with his girlfriend – him specifically, not just them as a couple? Besides, there was technically nothing wrong with just looking at someone.
So, Izuku ignored it. He tried to get back to the book he was reading, since that was what he’d come to the common room to do. Ochako was having a nap in his room – she was having a rough day and he’d cuddled her until she fell asleep. He wasn’t particularly tired though, so he quietly snuck out to not disturb her with rustling pages or his bright reading light.
For a while, he was able to actually focus on his book. As long as he positioned himself so that Todoroki wasn’t anywhere in his peripheral vision, he could momentarily forget about the unsettling staring and the feeling of the boy’s eyes drilling a hole into his skull went away. Until a voice broke him out of his thoughts.
“You’re not in love with Uraraka.”
His intonation wasn’t accusatory by any means, it sounded more like a casual observation. The sky is blue. Your hair is green. I hate my old man. You’re not in love with your girlfriend. It did still sound a bit judgemental, if not purely because of the words’ meaning.
“What the-“ Izuku shut his book and turned around to glare at Todoroki, who promptly cut him off.
“I’m not saying you don’t care about her. It’s just that, I know what being in love with someone feels like and you don’t look like you are..”
Izuku had no idea what he could even say in response. He was left sitting there with a shocked expression, his mouth wide open. What Todoroki was saying was true, but him saying it out loud to his face? It was strange, not to mention extremely rude – not that Todoroki had ever cared about that.
“You never initiate public displays of affection. When she does, you’re not particularly eager to comply. You look uncomfortable.” Todoroki’s face was blank, totally devoid of emotion. Even if Todoroki wasn’t usually very expressive, he was even more stone-faced now. It was like he was deliberately trying to hide feelings that would bubble to the surface otherwise, Izuku familiar enough with him to catch them immediately.
“Well, maybe I just don’t like PDA.” Izuku crossed his arms over his chest indignantly. “A lot of people don’t. And besides, you have no right to-“
“Your fingers twitch when you lie,” Todoroki barrelled on, entirely unperturbed by Izuku’s denial. “You have less and less control over them the more you break them. You should really get that looked at. Anyway, when you tell Uraraka you love her, you’re lying.”
This was going into serious conspiracy theory territory, even by Todoroki’s standards. “Listen, I’m not All Might’s secret love child and I’m not-“
“You are. And again, it’s not like you don’t care about her. You might even love her – as a friend. But you’re not in love with her.”
“Fuck.” Izuku sighed in defeat, letting the back of his head hit the back of the couch with a thunk. His arms went limp at his sides, leaving his chest completely open and defenseless. A nonverbal sign of forfeit.
“No,” he agreed with a wavering voice, “I’m not.”
A few silent tears rolled down his cheeks, a contrast with the normal, loud crying that he (and everyone else in his life) was used to.
“I thought that maybe – maybe if I waited long enough, or-or tried hard enough, I would be. And I wanted to be, honestly, I really wanted to love Ochako like she probably loves me.” He paused to attempt to wipe the tears off his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, which he should’ve already known would do absolutely nothing. “And I’m starting to think that maybe I won’t ever be able to love her like that. I – I’ve tried everything, you know.”
“I believe you,” his friend said, softly, as if he was handling something fragile, like a box of glass or a newborn kitten, that still needed a reality check, however gentle. “She may not be the right one for you, then.”
“I don’t know, I don’t know, I still need a little time. I’m not ready to break up yet. Hell, I know that makes me a selfish fucking coward. I’d rather lie and stay together than hurt her. There’s still a possibility that I’m going to develop feelings later, just… I don’t know, fake it ‘till you make it, I guess? Though, if that doesn’t happen, the longer I wait, the more hurt she’s going to get. Fuck, I don’t know what to do!” A few wet, hysterical laughs escaped from his mouth and he leaned his head back to look at the ceiling, his hands coming to rest on his forehead.
“If I was in your place, I’d break up with Uraraka. It’s only fair to her, even if there is a chance of something romantic coming up in the future. She might not understand you right now, but your friendship is strong enough that I think she’ll come around.” After a brief silence, Todoroki added, “I can help you come up with what you’re going to tell her, if you want.”
Izuku sniffled and lowered his gaze to look at his friend with a small, grateful smile. “Yeah,” he said, “that sounds nice.”
In response, Todoroki flashed a rare smile of his own, one that didn’t reach his eyes.
Despite agreeing to think of how to break up with Uraraka, they fell into a comfortable silence. Somehow, Izuku had ended up on the soft carpet with Todoroki, laying on their backs side-by-side. The only thing that was missing was a starry night sky for them to look up at instead of the dorm building’s cream-colored ceiling.
“I don’t – um, I don’t think I’ve ever felt, you know, that way. About… about anyone,” Izuku admitted. “I thought it might finally happen with Uraraka if I just… want it hard enough. I like her a lot, really, I like spending time with her and I’d trust her with anything. I never have to pretend to be something I’m not when I’m with her. Well, except, you know, the feelings. I thought… if I could fall in love with anyone, it would be her. She’s perfect in every way, and I don’t know why I can’t just feel it, what’s wrong with me.” Tears started falling down the sides of his face again when he closed his eyes. Did they ever really stop? Come to think of it, he didn’t really care. “Maybe… maybe I’m just… broken.”
He heard a sharp inhale from beside him. He turned his head to see Todoroki quickly rising up to lean on his elbow, looking intensely into his eyes from above him.
“You’re not broken,” he announced with a kind of certainty Izuku had never heard from him before. “Don’t ever think you're broken.” A couple beats passed with Todoroki still peering down at Izuku with intense concentration, and he could almost hear the wheels turning in his friend’s head, trying to figure out what to say next. Todoroki had never been particularly amazing at comforting people. Finally, he asked, “Would you like a hug?”
Now that Todoroki said it, Izuku realized how much he wanted to hug him. He’d always liked being physically affectionate with people, even if for most of his childhood, contact meant pain. In the first week after Ochako had confessed to him, he noticed how nice it was to cuddle someone again. Now, looking back, one of the main reasons he’d enjoyed being with her was that he could do that as much as he wanted without any particular reason to.
So, at the first chance he got, he sat up and spread his arms wide, inviting Todoroki in. He relaxed into the embrace, put his head on his friend’s shoulder and melted. Maybe it didn’t cure his feelings of absolute worthlessness and devastation, but it did make them momentarily go away.
Izuku wished he could hug his friends like this every day.
“Midoriya?” Todoroki prompted once they’d eventually come apart, though almost immediately moved to the couch for proper cuddling. It seemed like Izuku hadn’t gotten his fill from just the hug.
“Hmm?” Izuku hummed in response, already starting to drift off into that liminal space between being awake and asleep. Crying and spilling your entire heart out took a lot out of you, didn’t it?
“Have you ever considered that maybe you don’t… like girls?”
“Oh, like, being gay?” The question pulled Izuku back into wakefulness, his brain rattling for an answer. “I don’t know. It’s possible? But, I don’t think I’ve ever had crushes on guys, either.”
“Or maybe you have, but didn’t realize they were crushes. As in, you’ve found boys attractive and maybe even had feelings for some, but you didn’t realize you could feel that way about boys, that that was even an option, especially for you, so you thought nothing of it. You’d only ever heard of straight relationships before, so even imagining something different felt not only wrong, but impossible.” Todoroki’s eyes gained a wistful look to them, as if he was remembering something from his past. “I figured it out pretty recently, too.”
At that last sentence, Izuku’s mind screeched to a halt. “Wait. Huh? You?”
Todoroki blinked slowly, like his brain functions ground to a halt all at once. “…You didn’t know?”
“…No?”
“Oh,” he hummed. “I thought it was quite obvious. Then again, I’m not the best judge of normal behavior in, uh… people.”
Izuku huffed out a tired yet amused laugh. “Well, gotta say, me neither. The only role models I’ve ever had besides All Might were my dad, who kind of bailed when I was four, and you know… Kacchan.”
“That’s. Unfortunate,” Todoroki stated, and while his words were a bit awkward, Izuku noticed a corner of his mouth twitching upwards like a barely concealed smile. “Maybe we could suck at figuring out people together.”
Izuku grinned in answer. “I’d like that.”
For the first time in a long time, he felt really, truly understood. Todoroki had seen a glimpse of his core, the deepest parts of him, had been let in on a small secret nobody knew about besides the two of them. And instead of shoving him away and making him want to put up a dozen walls each one stronger than the next, Todoroki took that part of him, gently observed it, soothed it, and put it back, leaving him yearning to feel that connection again.
Izuku went to bed that night with his heart lit up with a warm glow, nearly overwhelmed with a feeling of profound connection, of finding his person. He could only hope that this friendship could blossom and evolve into something truly breathtaking. Maybe he didn’t need to go out on a grand quest and find his one true love. Maybe this was all he’d ever need.
(Unbeknownst to him, in another dorm room three floors above his, Todoroki Shouto lay in bed all night tossing and turning uneasily, repeating every single detail of their evening. He pictured Izuku’s face smiling softly while laying with him on the sofa side-by-side until his cheeks burned and his heart raced in his throat. He replayed the memories of getting lost in his forest-green eyes and forcing himself to shift his focus back to what he was saying. Later in the night, he imagined Izuku’s face leaning closer and closer to his until their lips brushed up against each other.
And, for the first time in over a year, he allowed himself to dream that this may not only be his delusion. That Midoriya may feel this, too.)