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you can’t do this anymore.
you’re so, so tired.
no matter how much you try it doesn’t get better.
it never will, will it?
archons, you’re pathetic.
like a parasite, you take and take and do nothing in return.
tighnari has done so much for you, regardless of how underserving you are.
he’s dealt with your bullshit for so long.
and you’ve done nothing but burden him.
he's busy enough with his forest ranger duties.
why continue to weigh him down with your problems?
problems that don’t even matter.
you’re so dramatic that it’s ridiculous.
maybe your parents did say those things.
maybe it did hurt. a lot.
but they didn’t mean it.
maybe they never apologized. or even acknowledge it happened.
but its not like its their fault.
you take things too personally.
you’re far too sensitive.
its pathetic.
they didn’t say anything that wasn’t true anyway.
you’ve brought this all upon yourself.
you’re not a good person. you know that don’t you?
you’ve never been a good person. no matter how hard you try.
you don’t deserve tighnari’s kindess.
you don’t deserve anything at all.
its so much easier to accept it rather than fight it.
so much easier to give in and accept you’ll never get better.
easier to accept that you’ll never be better
that you’ll never be anymore than what you are now.
a husk of a person.
barely even passable as a human being.
you don’t want to believe you can be saved anymore.
so you don’t.
—-
it’s your last night.
you’ve already prepared for it.
a note that will be left behind for tighnari is under your pillow.
there’s a rope under your mattress. you’ve already scoped out a tree for it.
nice and sturdy, with a good big branch to support what will soon be hanging from the rope.
you’ve said goodnight to tighnari already.
given him your thanks for everything he’s done for you. it doesn’t mean much, but it’s the least you can do.
he did get a bit suspicious, but you just explained you felt like thanking him.
he said you mean a lot to him as well.
…
…tighnari’s asleep now.
its time.
carefully, you get out of bed.
you have to be very quiet, it’s a shared room after all.
you take the note and place it on the counter.
you quietly grab the rope from under your mattress.
you put on some shoes, and gingerly open the door and step outside.
the night is much colder than you thought it would be. you wish you had brought a coat.
not that it matters.
the night is quiet.
you look up and see stars. beautiful and bright, dotting the night sky.
its a lovely sight to see before your end.
finally you approach the tree.
up you go, tying the rope around the branch.
climbing down, the bark scratches your hands.
it stings a bit.
but it’ll be over soon.
you tie a noose, the knot tying classes you had taken years ago finally paying off.
it would be over soon.
it would all be over.
no more expectations.
no more overwhelming guilt.
no fear of inevitable abandonment, of hurting people, of never being enough, never amounting to anything at all.
it would be done.
you let out a big sigh, pull the noose closer and-
you hear a familiar voice say your name.
you hesitantly turn around and see none other than your friend that’s supposed to be asleep.
tighnari.
you hadn’t been quiet enough.
there’s an unreadable expression on his face.
he starts stepping closer.
you prepare yourself for anger, disappointment, yelling, screams about how horribly selfish you were.
you have a million apologies already on the tip of your tongue.
and yet, nothing came.
he gets closer and takes you by the hand, leading you back to your shared home.
the walk back is silent.
not a word is spoken between you two while you head back.
you aren’t sure if its better or worse than trying to talk.
returning to the house, he sits you down on your bed, and passes you a blanket. you had forgotten how cold you were.
”..thank you.”
”mhm.”
he sits down with you, but gives you some space.
silence again.
you can’t stand it anymore.
you try to think of something, anything to ease the tension, but tighnari beats you to it.
”do you want to talk?”
you shake your head. the way you see it, its nothing worth talking about. he’d laugh at how pathetic it all was, you’re sure of it. kind of.
if he’s frustrated or angry at all, he doesn’t show it. he simply nods, accepting your answer.
“do you at least want a hug?”
hesitantly, you nod. he scoots over, and gingerly puts his arms around you.
he seems to take a moment to come up with something else to say.
”..let me help you, please. i want to be here for you okay?” he says softly. he sounds so genuine.
it takes everything in your power not to immediately fall apart.
”i told you, you mean a lot to me.”
you start to tear up.
”..i love you okay? please, tell me what i can do.”
and with that, tears start flowing uncontrollably, try as you might to suppress the ugly sobs that come out.
tighnari just holds you tighter, rubbing your back gently.
”its okay, just let it out.”
before you know it everything you’ve tried to hard to keep in spills out. between sobs, you tell him everything. how tired you are, how awful you feel, how hopeless it all is. and he listens to it all.
he doesn’t get angry with you for feeling more intensely than others.
he doesn’t get angry at you for crying and being unable to do anything but shut down.
he doesn’t tell you to suck it up because that’s how life is.
he doesn’t tell you all his problems to make you feel like your problems are nothing.
he just listens to you.
you never realized how much you really needed that.
how good it feels to just stop holding it all in until you can break down in private.
it’s…
nice.
so, so nice.
after who knows how long, your sobs turn into quiet sniffles. your shaking gradually stops. your breathing finally steadies.
tighnari has a lot to say.
but he can see that you’re tired.
its really late after all.
he’s really tired too.
he can tell you it all tomorrow. he can ask what he can continue to do to help you tomorrow.
right now, all either of you really want to do is sleep.
you lay down, tighnari right behind you, holding you close to him. the bed is a bit small, since it’s technically made for one, but you two will be fine for tonight.
for the first time in a long, long time..
you feel hopeful again.
you look forward towards tomorrow again.
you have someone to lean on.
and it’ll be okay.