Archive of Our Own

There was a certain feeling that you got after visiting the beach. The feeling where your skin felt toasted and warm despite no longer being in the sun. The texture of your hair being ever so slightly softer after the first shower after leaving the ocean. The gentle pruning of your fingers and the soft blush of the sun outlining the skin around sunglasses and bathing suits. Still left behind on you, your friends, your family, everyone.

The dripping of your hair as you emerged from the water, hair plastered to your face as you hacked up water from your lungs.

The beach and the ocean could be extremely hard to forget. It never left you.

It never left you.

Momo’s body jolted up from its position, heart thudding in her chest as she awoke.

The pervasive darkness of the room gave way to the fact that it definitely wasn’t her room- She had that cute bear nightlight in the corner at all times- but it took longer than she would have thought to recognize that it was the living room of the Mekakushi Dan.

It really did look so much different at night. Momo hadn’t really spent much time here past 10 PM or so. An unfortunate side effect of idol culture was the fact that she basically had no time to spend sleeping over with friends when her agency was mandating that she had to be up and at'em at the crack of dawn for absolutely no reason at all.

Well, there was a reason. She just didn’t like it. The rehearsals, the random endurance jogs around town at 5 AM- 5 AM, seriously- and plus, the autograph and “presence” sessions, where she learned how to attract people’s attention, which… ha. Even she had to admit that was ironically hilarious, but it was still a huge waste of time. And even worse, it was a huge waste of time that took away her time that she could be spending with her friends.

Momo rubbed her eyes, before wincing in pain and falling forward into her lap. Sand and salt still caked her hands, stained by the ocean.

… Huh. Come to think of it, she didn’t have any memories of walking upstairs. Or falling asleep. The last thing she remembered was climbing in the back seat of the car with Kido while Seto picked them up from the pier and… That was it.

Her stomach clenched with anxiety. Momo hadn’t been able to handle the beach for a long, long time now. But when Kido, Marry, and Ene wanted to go have some time away from the boys of the crew, what was she going to say, exactly? No?

Should she have told her only friends in the world that she didn’t want to go? When she finally found a group of weirdos like her, who were able to accept her despite her being an idol and a weirdo and awkward and clumsy? When they all were clearly trying to step out of their comfort zone and experience new things in life?

Momo had never even considered it for a second. Just as enthusiastically as Ene had suggested it, Momo had agreed, offering to bring some floaties (with sponsorship logos on them) from her agency so they could have even more fun.

And they did have fun!

Momo looked at her hands, chest tight.

They had fun.

… She didn’t. But they didn’t need to know that.

It was honestly kind of embarrassing, but Momo figured that someone must have lugged her upstairs and let her rest. She was a pretty heavy sleeper, so not waking up seemed on track from what she knew about herself. And someone had laid down a towel on the couch in lieu of attempting to wake her to get her to take a shower. They were probably thinking about how tired she was, how tuckered out she must have been from all of the smiling and laughing at the beach.

In a way, they were right. It was exhausting to keep up a smile for so long.

It should have been a beautiful sight- Kido’s long, gorgeous hair peeking out from her straw hat, her eyes glimmering from beneath her sunglasses as she splashed Momo’s legs with saltwater. Adorable, sweet Marry fumbling with a waterproof bag that contained Ene, who had apparently even changed her virtual clothes to a swimsuit. It was a beautiful sight. The issue was what lied right beyond her friends.

All she saw was blue. Vast, endless, nothingness.

That and her own face reflected against the water.

It was then, staring at herself, did Momo realize how much she looked like her dad.

Her eyes were the same. Deep, dark, rich grey eyes that showed their warm undertones in the brightest light. She had his eyebrows, too. Puffy, but not too puffy. Shapely, maybe that was the word. Long eyelashes framed her gaze, much like her dad’s did. Momo stared into the pooling water by her ankles and blinked as she tried to recall if that was actually what her dad looked like. It had been forever, and although she kept a picture of the two of them in her wallet, it was still so difficult to get past the concrete wall of their ocean trip to unearth any other memories.

The tide receded, washing away her dad’s- no, her- face, the sand sinking beneath her feet and beckoning her forward into the ocean, if even just by a few steps.

Momo stared into the waves, watching them crash against each other far off in the distance. The water was rougher than she thought it would be. Instinctively, she turned to see if her friends were still right where she left them-

“Momo, the waves are all the way out there. We’ll be fine.”

Kido was right beside her. When did she get there? For some reason, although Seto was the one who could hear thoughts, it was always Kido who could tell what was on her mind.

Mostly.

“Ahah, you’re right! I dunno, I was just wondering how the moon was… affecting the tides! Because the tides change when the moon does, right?” Momo grinned sheepishly, stepping back and shaking droplets of water off her feet like she was trying to break free of the ocean’s hold on her.

Kido’s expression softened, smiling quietly. That seemed to placate her for the time being. And just like that, Momo had escaped showing off her anxiety once again. The conversation returned to normal, but throughout the rest of the trip, Momo couldn’t bring herself to look for longer than a second at the water.

All she could see were eyes staring back at her. The soft whispers of the waves brushing against the shore, calling her back to the water. The sand sifting between her toes just as her mom’s desperate hands clung to the wet sand and shells as she begged the lifeguards and paramedics to at least let her look for her husband. Despite the search having concluded hours ago. The salt stinging her eyes just as it had before she slipped beneath the waves, clinging desperately to her father’s bathing suit and dragging him under the water with her.

It should have been you, the waves called to her. It should have been you.

Momo stared at her soiled, bloody hands in the darkness of the hideout.

It was definitely nighttime. No one was around. The house was silent, not even the telltale creaking of Seto’s floorboards gave any sign that anyone was awake.

Except for Momo.

In a way, it reminded her of that day when she lost him. She was gasping for air, feeling her lungs fill with the cold, salty water and then… She was awake. Dirty. Covered in sand. Alone.

Her vision blurred as the knot in her throat grew. It was getting more and more difficult to breathe, to focus on keeping quiet and going back to sleep so that it could just be morning already.

… Did she even really remember him? She was in elementary school. Memories of her dad from before her first year in elementary school simply didn’t exist in her mind.

How could she even have the right to mourn someone whose face she could barely remember?

Momo’s skin still felt warm with the memories of the day, and as she wrapped her arms around herself, squeezing tightly, it almost brought her back to reality. The slight pressure of a hug was really what she needed to center her, but the fleeting comfort didn’t last long.

Choking back a sob, Momo inhaled as shakily, as quietly as she possibly could in fear of waking up the others. They would ask questions. They would comfort her. And she couldn’t, wouldn’t ever share this with them. It was her fault. And they would forgive her despite that.

Somehow, that was the part that she feared the most.

Hot, wet tears fell down Momo’s face as she shuddered quietly, blurry memories of her dad patchworked together by the few photos she had to remember him by.

Hibiya would be so on her case if he saw her like this. After all that talk about moving on and pulling yourself out of the past, trying to encourage him… Momo was just as scared and regretful as he was. She was great at giving advice, she thought, but only for other people.

“Dad…” She found herself whispering despite her better judgment, voice hushed like a prayer, as if she thought that he could honestly hear her, wherever he was right now. Her fingers trembled against the pink of her jacket, nails digging into her sleeves harshly, pulling and pulling at the fabric so tightly that she thought she might tear it.

And then the door’s lock clicked.

With an instant, Momo shot her head up. Her eyes were still bloodshot, either from the salt or from the tears, but she knew what she heard.

The door opened and Momo pulled herself up to see who was entering, staring straight ahead at the entryway like a deer in headlights. No one should be up now. Everyone was asleep, right? Right? Her heart pounded against her chest.

Kano stood in the doorway, silhouette darkened against the light from the outside lamp.

Momo blinked back her tears, still streaked on her face, as she tried to process the scene before her.

… Kido.

No, wait. Kido was standing in the doorway.

That was right.

Kido stood in the doorway, silhouette darkened against the light from the outside lamp.

Momo immediately ducked back down, curling her head against the throw pillows of the couch. This was awful. Horrible. And honestly, she should have expected it. This kind of stuff always happened to her. There were people everywhere all the time, and even though she loved Kido- all of her friends, actually, not just Kido- it was definitely just her luck to be caught crying and looking stupid like this. She sniffled, crossing an arm over her face in hopes that it would hide her broken expression, before Kido’s voice broke the silence.

“Momo. You knocked off your pillow. Do you need another one?” Kido asked, voice smooth and cool. It lingered a bit behind the couch, as if she was afraid of approaching.

“Uh-” Momo choked, not having actually expected her to break the silence. Why was Kido even up and out at this time of night? “Um, no, I’m good! I’m okay, I’m good like this! Thanks!”

Momo’s voice sounded unconvincing even to herself. It was still thick with tears. She still sounded congested and shaky.

For some reason, Kido didn’t ask anything else. Momo heard her footsteps lightly move away, and as Kido passed around the front of the couch to go to her room, she caught a brief glimpse of her face.

Her face was really nice to look at. Even though she had gotten a slight sunburn in the place where her sunglasses had been resting on her nose for the latter half of the day.

Momo stared, trying to avert her gaze, but found herself fixated on Kido’s face. She looked closely. Her skin was like porcelain and unmarred by any sort of scar or acne. Kido had a perfect, healthy complexion.

Without thinking, Momo felt the words blurt out of her.

“Where’s your sunburn?”

Kido froze in place. There was a brief pause, almost long enough for Momo to tell her to forget it and pretend like she didn’t say anything, but Kido answered just as she was about to speak.

“... I have a good aloe cream,” She tried, voice as calm as ever, though the tension in her figure somewhat betrayed her words.

Momo stared at her, wiping her teary eyes with the backside of her hand. It didn’t help much, but at least she could somewhat compose herself. Kido glanced at her quickly, then looked away. She could clearly see Momo’s expression, could see how pathetic she looked and felt, and still chose to not comment.

“Go to sleep, Momo. We can talk in the morning,” Kido said, eyes flickering to Momo, then to the floor, before resting on her again. “Good night.”

Before Kido could take another step, Momo felt herself moving. It felt stupid, and god, she didn’t know why she wanted to die on this hill, especially when all she wanted was to be alone, but it just didn’t feel right.

Momo willed her eyes to glow bright red, causing Kido’s head to snap back to her attention again.

Kido’s surprised expression mirrored her own. Momo was just as shocked with her impulsiveness, but it was too late to backpedal now.

“Just… Okay, I’ve been having some nightmares,” Momo began shakily, hoping that the weakness in her voice wouldn’t betray a despair far more pervasive than simple “nightmares”. The excuse came out more as a train of thought, building upon it bit by bit as she spoke. “And you were in it and now… Now I want to make sure this is the real world. So… use your eyes to disappear, and then I’ll be convinced that this is reality… and I can go back to sleep.”

Kido, unable to look away, seemed to do her very best to turn towards the hall. Her body remained fixated in place. Visible.

“It’s the real world. You can take my word on that, right?” Kido asked, tucking her hands into her hoodie pocket.

“Then why are you out so late? You wouldn’t do that unless it was a dream! You’re never out this late without anyone else,” Momo asked, eyes vibrant. “And you don’t have a sunburn. And you’re being a little weird.”

There was a moment of what seemed to be thought before Kido’s form flickered away and Kano took her place.

It felt like the floor fell out from underneath her as Kano’s amber eyes looked through her, expression unreadable. Kano. It was Kano.

Momo felt like she had just been gut punched.

He looked almost sheepish (an expression unusual for him), still staring straight at her as her gaze had commanded.

“Ah, you got me! Sorry, I was just trying to get home and I panicked and put on the face of the most trustworthy person I know!” Kano explained, words flowing as if he was trying to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. “That’s all! Can you let me go now? I’m just going to go to bed!”

Her face burning red to match her irises, Momo could only look at him, eyes threatening to spill over with tears again.

She really was so unlucky.

It would have been bad enough if it was Kido, but Kano? The guy who had the emotional sensitivity of a brick wall? The guy who she barely knew on a personal level, but was already teasing her for little things and teasing her brother and teasing Kido and teasing Marry-

“You’re awful.”

Momo’s voice cracked as the words bubbled out of her, before finally releasing her eyes’ grip on him and turning away.

“It’s not funny to do that to people. Don’t… don’t do that,” Momo said, although as angry as she wanted to be, and as on the offensive as she wanted to be, even she couldn’t deny that her tone sounded more defeated than anything.

Kano was silent. For a moment, the only sounds in the room were Momo’s quickened breathing and the gentle hum of the refrigerator from the kitchen.

“... I’m not doing anything, really,” Kano spoke slowly. His voice sounded almost calculated, putting thought and intention behind every word. “I saw you upset and I thought that you’d be less embarrassed if it was Kido who walked in.”

Momo turned to him, still ugly and crying and stupid, but why did she even care anymore? Kano already saw what a mess she was.

“It’d be even worse if she saw me like this! I’m still sandy and gross and my hair is a mess, and- and-” She stammered. “And my eyes are… red and teary from the saltwater, and- I’m not upset!”

As great as Momo thought she was at faking the perfect idol demeanor around her fans, and even around her friends to a certain extent, she was never particularly great about hiding her tears or the all consuming feelings of sadness that came with them. Even to herself, her claim of being alright sounded as fake as it came. Kano definitely wouldn’t buy it at all, but maybe he’d at least leave and never talk about this again.

Instead, Kano just watched her for a moment, before sitting down on the other end of the couch as far away from her as it seemed he could possibly manage. The gentle depression of the fabric on the other side of the furniture felt grounding. Just slightly.

“You should probably wash your hands off,” He commented absently. “Since you definitely aren’t crying, it’s probably just because you have a bunch of dried salt and sand on your hands.”

“I’m not crying!” Momo’s mouth snapped back before her brain had a chance to stop it. Oops.

Actually, on second thought, her manager was probably right. Maybe she did need some interview coaching or something, because as soon as the anxiety and embarrassment crept in, it was pretty much over. Her mask was clearly not as infallible as she would have liked to believe. Add that to the list of things she needed to do to feel comfortable with herself.  Momo shrunk into herself, inching a touch farther away from Kano as if the distance would protect herself and her past from his watchful eyes.

“You heard me, right? I just said you aren’t crying! You’re just sitting here rubbing salt and sand into your eyes over and over again,” Kano volleyed back, his voice remarkably quiet and controlled considering the setting. “Unless that isn’t the reason why you’re all teary and red and you have something else you want to get off your chest.”

Momo considered this for a moment, her heart inching further and further away from her brain by the second.

There was no way that this couldn’t backfire. Even though she would consider them to be friends (mostly), Kano was irritating and stubborn and really seemed to just be indecipherable in terms of his intentions. He was perfectly annoying and happy and forthcoming in every situation, even to the point of it feeling unnatural. There was no reason to try to get closer to him when everything that came out of his mouth felt so consistent and unwavering that it felt like she was talking straight to a mask. For most people, that mask fell every now and again.

Kano’s never did.

… Maybe it was genuine, then. Or maybe it wasn’t. Momo hadn’t really hammered out an opinion on it, but when the thought briefly crossed her mind every now and again, it was promptly forgotten as Kano began to tease her about staring off into space or drinking soda like her older brother or whatever else he could come up with.

It would be really ridiculous to confide in someone who she didn’t even really know that well.

The only thing she really knew for sure was that the others trusted him- at least his siblings did. And Kido had mentioned to her back during the incident at the mall that he was always observing, whether he looked like it or not.

And if he was here, using an eye power just like her…

“Hey, Kano,” Momo asked, face still buried in her knees. “Who did you go with?”

“Who did I go with…?” Kano parroted, voice just barely masking confusion. “You mean when I left? I was just getting some fresh air. I didn’t take anyone with me, don’t worry! I wouldn’t want the night to come and snatch them away!”

Momo glanced up from her slumped position to briefly make eye contact with the other before looking away again. His stare felt like it was drilling holes into her.

“When you…” She paused, the word catching at the back of her throat. “Died. When you died.”

If Kano was surprised at her sudden line of questioning, his expression didn’t reveal it. He seemed to consider his options before responding.

“... It was a while ago. I don’t have great memories of it, honestly,” He said, evasive as ever. Notably, Kano didn’t say that he didn’t remember who he died with, he just implied it and hoped she would fill in the blanks. Probably. Probably. Momo frowned deeply.

“But you know who you died with, right? You have to know. I mean, all of us got here the same way,” She retorted. “So… who was it?”

Kano didn’t reply. He just looked at her, face motionless and unreadable. Momo shifted uncomfortably beneath his gaze.

“I- I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I’m just…” She began, suddenly uncomfortable with the silence that was lingering in the air. It felt different than before.

“It was my mom. My first mom,” He answered suddenly, leaning back into the couch. “That’s who I went with.”

Kano tilted his head to face her with a smile that felt unnatural considering the situation.

“I didn’t want to ruin the great night you seemed to be having out here, but you twisted my arm! So…” Kano made a gesture of finality, flipping his hands open as if to show that his cards were all on the table. “There you go.”

Momo knew that Kano had to have lost someone, but it was never a fact in her mind that really felt absolute until this moment. It was so easy to forget that he experienced the same type of loss as her, especially when he was so inexplicably carefree every time she saw him. Even when they were dealing with the incident at the mall, Kano seemed to take every new development in stride.

Sure, maybe she knew in the back of her mind that it couldn’t all have been one hundred percent genuine, but it felt odd to actually come face to face with the revelation that there were probably things about Kano that he kept to himself.

“Oh,” Momo replied quietly. Even knowing that she had asked the question, the answer hung awkwardly in the air. “... Sorry.”

Kano shook his head.

“Like I said, it was a long time ago,” He said, waving her off. “Are you thinking about the person who left with you?”

Momo blinked at him.

“How did you know…?”

Kano gave her a look that seemed to indicate that she had said something silly. As for why, Momo wasn’t entirely sure. It was a genuine question.

“You’re sitting out here in the middle of the night…” A pause. “Not crying, and then you ask me about that? Out of nowhere? I can do basic math, y’know.”

Ah. That made sense. Momo was hoping that it wouldn’t be obvious, but she didn’t feel particularly convincing, even though her tears more or less stopped when Kano sat down with her. A fact that she was just now realizing.

Momo sat up a bit straighter, awkwardly tugging the sand covered towel underneath her so that any remnants of sand left on her wouldn’t get everywhere. Kano seemed to be awaiting a response, but it took her longer than she would have liked for her to actually force the words up her throat.

“We’re the same. Mostly.”

She glanced at him before quickly looking away. The darkness of the room amplified her every word and she couldn’t help but think that if there was a curtain between them at the moment, it’d feel more like a confessional booth than anything. Momo stared at a piece of furniture as she spoke.

“For me, it was my dad. It… We were swimming, and I wasn’t really good at it, so when I started to go under…” Her voice trailed off. The images of that day conjured back up in her mind against her will, and it took everything in her to finish her sentence, finish her confession. “He did too. And that was it. And now I’m here.”

Momo awaited judgment from Kano, but none came. As she spared a quick glance at him, he was merely nodding in understanding.

“It happens quickly, right? One second you’re fine and the next, you’re gone,” Kano noted, his tone neutral. “Most of the time when someone dies, it’s just a normal day. You can’t really predict things like that.”

Recalling the incident made her realize just how true Kano’s words were. It didn’t take long once they were under the water. The fleeing oxygen from her system dulled her senses the deeper she sank. And then she was awake again, like it was all a dream.

“I was the one who asked him to take me to the beach, though. I wanted to just be better than my brother at something,” Momo said quietly. “And I was the one who held onto him and dragged him down, so if I had just let go-”

“If you had just let go, how do you know that would have changed anything?” Kano cut her off. “Do you think he wouldn’t have gone after you if you just let go of him?”

Momo couldn’t respond.

“And if you hadn’t asked him to go to the beach, you could have just as easily gotten into an accident on the way to the grocery store or something, but if that had happened, you would be sitting here wondering if maybe it could have been avoided if you had just asked him to go to the beach,” Kano continued. “You’ll never escape it unless you just stop thinking about it.”

Much like her memories of that day, Momo was beginning to feel like this conversation between her and Kano was a dream as well.

It was so odd hearing him talk like this. The somber, even voice that escaped him almost didn’t fit with the face that she was so used to seeing smile and joke and tease. It felt unreal.

She made a noise of non-commital agreement. Maybe he was right, but it still felt like the guilt that followed her was near inescapable at times.

“... How did you… go?” Momo asked, her voice delicate, like if she pried too far, Kano would snap and leave.

The silence that followed her every question about him was beginning to feel expected at this point, but it was still anxiety inducing.

“I came home and saw some people in my house and my mom tied up. I tried to help, but I couldn’t. I died. That’s it,” Kano recounted, strangely devoid of emotion. His expression conveyed nothing, or at least Momo thought it didn’t, but suddenly he was smiling again, tone perky. “The end! Sorry, that’s not super exciting, but sometimes things like this aren’t.”

Momo waited to see if he’d expand on that thought, but he didn’t- which, yeah, she probably should have expected.

“Huh? How?” She blurted out, before realizing how insensitive that probably came off. Too late. “What happened? How’d you die?”

Kano was still upholding his smile, eyes bright and posture casual.

“I was stabbed, that’s all,” He said quickly, brushing off the topic. “Wow, some tact, Momo! You really are exactly like your brother, huh?”

“That’s all!?” Momo exclaimed, voice louder than she would have liked, before hushing her tone and repeating herself. “That’s all?! Really? That’s not just nothing. That’s… that’s really terrible…!”

She thought for a brief moment before tacking on a quick addendum to her sentence.

“And I’m not like my brother, stop changing the subject!”

Kano gave her outburst a polished snicker, before apparently deciding to entertain her line of questioning.

“It’s not that bad, honestly! It felt like going to sleep,” Kano elaborated. “I can’t even really remember it hurting. It was just weird.”

“Where were you stabbed?” She asked, and this time Kano did give her a look that made her feel as if she had gone too far, but it quickly faded from his expression, settling back into that same smile.

His hands patted around his chest area, face contorting in thought, before settling just over his stomach.

“Here? Probably. I don’t have the scars or anything to prove it, but I think it was about here,” Kano shrugged. “Kind of annoying.”

Momo put her hands over her stomach, about where his landed. The thought of a knife plunging through her flesh sent a deep shiver through her bones.

“Were you scared?” She asked, pressing her fingers gently against her stomach as if to empathize with what he may have felt.

This, Momo thought, would be the easiest question. She remembered being terrified in those moments before her head sank beneath the water. The adrenaline overtaking her veins as she desperately tried to stay above the surface. Some part of her brain picked at this thought, questioning as to why she would bother asking Kano a question she already knew the answer to. Maybe she just didn’t want to feel alone.

“No.”

Kano’s expression revealed nothing, smile gone as he answered. His tone was detached, eyes almost staring through her as he spoke.

Momo held her breath, like she was waiting for him to break into a joke, the usual, comfortable Kano humor that always ended in a playful, “just kidding!”

It never came.

“... Ah,” Momo made a quiet sound of understanding. “I wish I could say that.”

Kano’s expression softened slightly.

“Hey, you were fighting against the forces of nature! The odds were really stacked against you,” He reassured her. “For me, I thought I had a fighting chance, at least. Even just so my mom could get away.”

Kano leaned back into the couch.

“Funny how things turn out sometimes.”

Momo simply nodded.

“Funny,” She agreed.

Without anything to add on, this was where Momo expected their talk to end. To her surprise, Kano was the one to keep the conversation going.

“By the way,” Kano began, his tone uncertain. Momo glanced at him from behind her bangs. “You aren’t the only one who thinks they should have been able to do more back then.”

“Didn’t you say that you just had to stop thinking about the what-ifs?” Momo asked after a second of thought.

“Yeah,” Kano affirmed, voice still quiet before he adjusted back to his usual disposition, smiling. “But you know how it is!”

Despite his vagueness, Momo knew exactly what he meant. She did know how it was. She’d never be able to completely let go in all likelihood, even if the logic was impenetrable and sound, there would always be some part of her brain there to remind her that she could have done something differently.

Momo’s hands clenched at the fabric of her sandy shorts, her throat suddenly feeling thick again. Her hair brushed out from behind her ear and covered her face, and as ridiculous and messy as she must have looked, she was mostly just grateful that Kano wouldn’t have to look at her face scrunching as she tried to stop the grief and guilt from bubbling up once more.

From the other end of the couch, she felt Kano shift. Just a bit closer to her.

“Hey, why don’t you tell me about him? Your dad. He must have been really something else to make two people as stubborn as you and Shintaro,” He said, and Momo could hear the grin in his provocation without even looking at him.

“I’m gonna ignore that you compared me to my brother again because you’re being nice too, so it kind of just balances out,” Momo muttered, and she hated to admit it, but the tonal shift did snap her out of her thoughts. It felt more like the Kano she knew instead of the Kano that was only revealed in the darkness of the living room after pulling memories out of him. “He… was a good dad.”

“I don’t have a lot of memories of him, but I know the important things. My mom said that when I was a baby baby, it was always my dad who would rock me and sing to me and carry me around until I was able to go to sleep. And even though we had to go to a bunch of Shintaro’s smart kid award ceremonies or whatever, he would get us both ice cream after even though I didn’t do anything,” Momo said. The memories unclouded in her mind the more she recalled them. “Oh, and when I was in elementary school, I won this art contest thing? I know it isn’t much, but I was so proud of it! And Dad even put a copy of my art on the wall!”

She paused in thought.

“I mean, it was next to all of Shintaro’s genius boy awards, but I was still really proud.”

Momo looked up to find Kano listening intently, appearing amused and attentive all at once.

“When I was next to my brother, I didn’t feel like I was anyone at all. I was okay with that,” Momo lied. She swallowed, steeling herself to continue. “I was okay with that. And I knew that my parents had to pay more attention to Shintaro, since, I mean… He was definitely smarter than I was. And was more impressive than I was.”

“But Dad would still take me to the playground and ruffle my hair and give me a bunch of peaches and say dumb dad stuff like, ‘peaches for my little peach!’ and stuff,” Momo continued. “And he couldn’t cook! He would burn literally everything he touched, so Mom had to do all the cooking. I think he tried to make me a birthday cake one year and it basically almost burned down the house, so… he never tried it again.”

Momo thought for a moment, before adding on softly, “He never had a chance to try it again. That was the last birthday I had with him.”

Talking so much about her dad gave her a strange, uneasy feeling bubbling in her chest. The memories that she had sworn she had forgotten came back to her so easily when prompted. Kano looked like he was formulating a response, but before he could speak, Momo beat him to the punch.

“A-Anyway! It’s your turn!” Momo prompted, straightening her arms as if to shake the sad, happy, feelings that threatened to drown her for the second time in her life. At her words, she swore that she could see the colour drain from Kano’s face for a moment, but she continued anyway. “Tell me about your mom! I want to know!”

“Hmm... I don’t think I remember. I told you it was a long time ago, right?”

“Nope, that’s not gonna work! Tell me!” Momo insisted, definitely not reveling in the fact that Kano didn’t seem like he could wriggle his way out of her questions. Just this once, it felt like they were on equal ground.

“Fine, fine, fine!” Kano groaned, and he didn’t seem super happy about the prospect of telling her, but he had at least conceded, so that was all Momo needed. “She was… nice.”

“...”

“... That’s it.”

“... Keep going! C’mon!”

Kano, again, did not seem super happy about expanding on his life prior to the Tateyamas, but after a moment of reflection, began to speak again.

“My mom was a really hard worker,” He began. “She worked at night, so basically the only time I could see her was right after she came home and right after she woke up for work. I did my best to make things easier for her. I would clean my room and make sure that everything was tidy for her when she came home. I really tried to keep her happy since she worked so hard to take care of me.”

Kano looked lost in his train of thought. Was that what she had looked like before, Momo wondered?

“Since it was just us, my mom was basically… everything to me,” He laughed quietly. “A lot of kids get really attached to their parents, but I seriously couldn’t stand the thought of losing her. When I would act out and make her upset, all I could think about was how I should have been an easier kid. And even after that, she would still apologize and kiss my face like she was the one who did something wrong instead of me. She was really good to me.”

Trying to imagine a woman who looked like Kano kissing his face and patting his little head was so far removed from the older version of Kano that it honestly made Momo’s heart melt a little. Even more so when Kano still seemed to feel bad about causing her trouble as a kid. She took advantage of the pause between sentences to get a word in.

“A lot of kids are brats growing up, right?  You shouldn’t feel bad about that!”

Kano shrugged.

“Yeah, maybe? I probably could have made her life a lot easier, though,” He said quietly. “Sometimes she would put on movies and watch them with me. She loved horror movies the best. If it was what she liked, I would watch them with her over and over again. It was the least I could do for her.”

It really did feel like Kano was experiencing memories that he hadn’t thought about in forever. He had that same wistful tone that she recognized in her voice earlier, the same type of disconnected recollection of events that she really only noticed when she was trying to unearth deeply buried memories.

“She sounds like she was really a great mom,” Momo commented when it became apparent Kano didn’t have anything more to share. Or maybe he just didn’t want to continue. “Moms really do keep everything together when things are rough… I don’t know what I would have done without my mom back then. After… y’know.”

The parallels were evident between Kano’s mom and hers. Hard-working. Self-sacrificial. Loving. It felt like looking in a mirror.

“I just kind of existed after that,” Kano mused, before sparing a glance at her. “I didn’t have to wait long to see her again, though. She was the first person I changed into.”

“Actually?” Momo balked. Part of her now wanted to see what his mom looked like, if maybe he would consider changing into her for just a second… But no, that was probably something that she shouldn’t ask from him just to satisfy her curiosity.

“Actually, yeah!” Kano said, laughing a bit at the funny memory that solely belonged to him. “I scared the hell out of the woman I was staying with too- She even called the police on me! I was able to turn back to myself before the cops got there, but I can’t really blame her for freaking out like that.”

The laugh seemed almost forced.

“If you changed into her, you basically saw her in the flesh right after she died…” Momo noted with furrowed brows. She wondered how he reacted back then, when he first saw his mom’s face again. It seemed almost cruel of the world to present a spitting image of your loved one before taking them away again. “Yeah, I don’t think… that would have worked for me. I couldn’t even look at Shintaro for three months just because he kind of, sort of looked like Dad back then.”

“Yeah. It’s hard for me to look at Shintaro sometimes, too,” Kano responded with an ease that made her feel like it didn’t come from just nowhere, but then again, he was smiling at her. “I know you get irritated when I compare you guys, but it’s true.”

Momo sank into the couch. This again?

“We really aren’t alike at all.”

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing. Even a dork like him has some good qualities. You guys both wear your heart on your sleeves nowadays. I’m almost jealous,” Kano said absently. There was a pause that he left lingering in the air for a little too long before continuing. “Losing a parent is kind of rough.”

That much was extremely obvious, but the specificity of his statement drew further parallels in her mind as to how she processed her dad’s death. How Kano dealt with his mom’s. Somewhere in her mind, she felt the walls between them starting to crumble, bit by bit.

Momo hadn’t realized when, but at some point, the filter closely guarding her words disappeared. The words just spilled out of her, free for Kano to interpret as he wished. The vulnerability should have scared her by this point, but it was too late to be embarrassed.

“I try not to think about it and just stay positive. But I still see him sometimes. In my face too, y’know? And in Shintaro, but he’s a lot older now, so his face looks different than how my dad’s used to. It’s just… Dad and I have the same eyes,” Momo reflected quietly. “I can see him now and again when I look in the mirror and it really… just brings me back to that day.”

It felt like she could never escape reliving that memory at times. Even when Momo willed herself into being upbeat and hopeful about the future, inevitably the tides of sadness and regret would wash back in. Every single time, it was all she could do to hope that they would wash away instead of consuming her.

She could feel Kano looking at her, although she had come to notice that when she started to talk about her feelings, her gaze shifted away from the other. Like she was afraid to face him.

“My face is basically the only proof that my mom ever existed,” Kano responded, matching the lowness of her voice. “I get it.”

Something about his words, his voice, his expression, everything, made something crack inside Momo. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. The knot in her throat was returning rapidly and as she spoke, she knew that her voice was going to sound like she was on the cusp of crying again, but it didn’t matter.

“I don’t get it, Kano.”

“... What?”

“I don’t get it,” Momo repeated, standing up abruptly. Her mind and body moved separately, and while the rational part of her was practically screaming at her to sit down, calm down, everything else inside her pushed back. “This all just happened to us, right? We didn’t do anything to deserve this, right? Our parents didn’t do anything to deserve this! And we came back… like… like this…! Like monsters…!”

She could hear her words and voice breaking, which would normally be a cause for concern, but any type of self-respect or self-preservation that she had left was merely an observer to their conversation at this point.

Kano stood to match her stance, the movement sparking a rare look of surprise within his eyes. He braced his hands in front of her, not quite touching, but close enough that she got the message- quiet down.

“It doesn’t matter why it was us that came back. You can’t change it now-”

“But why?!” Momo almost yelled- almost, but caught herself and changed to a whisper before the words left her throat. “I was never able to show him what I could do- Not even at the end! He’ll never see me on stage, he’ll never see more of my art, he’ll never see me get married… None of it!”

She continued, a woman possessed.

“And even now, I remember less and less about him by the day. It’s not going to be long before almost everything that I remember about him is just going to be completely gone. All I’m going to be able to remember is how he died. Is that fair? Is that fair to you?”

Momo knew, she knew, that Kano wouldn’t be able to answer her questions, but if not him, who? If there was a deity out there, they sure didn’t seem to be giving her any answers.

Shockingly, Kano did.

“You keep thinking about him and looking back on the time you had together, right? That’s all you can do,” Kano said, voice uncertain, although he clearly wanted to portray confidence. The mask was slipping. “The only thing you can do is live. It doesn’t matter why.”

His voice slipped. Almost like he couldn’t quite get out the next words.

“He’d be proud of that, right?”

The dam burst.

Momo cried.

Less of a cry and more of a sob really, her body heaving with rough, heavy breaths as the tears slid down her face.

That time when she became an idol, when she stood on that stage for her debut performance, he would have been proud.

That time when she finally made friends, real, true friends, he would have been proud.

That time when she was able to control her eyes, he would have been proud.

That time when she encouraged Hibiya to use the past to motivate himself into action instead of wallowing, he would have been proud.

He would have been proud.

He would have been proud.

He would have been proud.

Even on that day, when she started to tread water, he was proud.

And when she was old and gray and about to graduate from the world, when she looked back on her life- he would be proud then, too.

“I- I-” Momo sputtered, unable to get out words, only sounds between her sobs. Her tears felt bigger than life at that moment, overflowing and blurring her vision to the point where Kano was just a blur of black and white and amber. With every tear she wiped off, more took their place. Her legs shook, ready to give way beneath her.

Kano said nothing at first, though after a moment, heard him mutter a quiet curse under his breath. She had never really heard him curse before this. Moving away, Kano quickly grabbed something from across the room and handed it to her, arms outstretched unnaturally, as if to keep plenty of distance between them. It was… some kind of cube? Momo couldn’t tell between her tears.

“I, uh- I didn’t really mean to make you cry or anything. So. My bad,” Kano seemed extremely out of his element. “Take a tissue. They’re two-ply if you’re on the rocks about it.”

The joke was nice and it felt like Kano, but two-ply tissues weren’t going to help.

Momo knew what would ground her.

She opened her arms, hands still shaking, form unsteady.

“I just want a hug,” She got out, just barely. As cagey as she now understood Kano to be, and as much physical distance that he had put between them tonight, Momo was hoping with all of her being that he would just close the space between them.  “... Please?”

Kano’s eyes went a little wide, which should have been funny, but it wasn’t, not right now. Slowly, he moved towards her, before wrapping his arms around her. Momo immediately buried her face in his shoulder, eyes still running and nose still gross and snotty, but it didn’t matter.

Momo felt him shift slightly, moving his arms to what she guessed was a more natural position. It was stilted and awkward and he clearly wasn’t a hugger, but that was all fine.

Kano was warm. And he was her friend.

She squeezed him tighter, and even though it felt like he wasn’t really built for squeezing (he was pretty thin?), Kano returned the favor, holding her tightly as if to say back, I’m here for you.

He was so much better at getting his feelings across like this as opposed to using actual words, she thought. Kano was honest like this.

“Sorry…” She mumbled against the fabric of his jacket. It felt like she was finally in reality again the longer she held him. The more tears his jacket absorbed, the more Momo began to feel like herself.

It felt like forever before she picked her head up again to finally look him in the eyes. Her face was still flushed from her sobs, her eyes were still red and puffy, but it felt normal at this point. Kano’s expression was still unreadable, big shocker, but it was soft and warm. Her heart swelled with emotion, and if she didn’t do something about it soon, Momo knew that she would definitely start crying again, so she finally spoke.

“I’m sorry. For thinking you were annoying,” Momo laughed, congested and gross.

Kano regarded her for a minute before grinning. It felt real. Somehow. Maybe. Momo hoped.

“Oh, really? Well, I guess I can maybe forgive you,” He mused, tone sarcastic and as Kano-y as ever. “Even though you got snot all over me.”

“Never mind. You’re annoying again,” Momo huffed, rolling her eyes away dramatically before laughing, just a little bit. That also felt real.

It took effort, but she finally unraveled herself from Kano’s arms, patting herself down and wincing as more sand fell from her shirt.

“... Eww…” Momo grimaced as she stared at the small pile of sand that was now on the floor. Kido wasn’t going to like that. “I can’t believe they didn’t wake me up to take a shower or anything…”

Kano kicked at the pile of beach dirt. She snorted. It was kind of funny how much was still left on her.

“Kido was the one who carried you up here, so ask her,” He said. The thought immediately made her face flush a furious red, which Kano definitely could notice and yes, it was definitely more embarrassing than crying on him and getting him all gross, she decided.

“Can I maybe take a shower or something? This is just nasty- And I look bad, too!” Momo sputtered out.

“Why, do you have someone you need to impress?” Kano asked almost immediately, infuriatingly all-knowing. Goddammit. The world hated her.

“Shhhh! Stop! Stop, stop, stop!”

The tension from earlier had completely dissipated. Everything felt so much lighter now. Kano seemed more relaxed than usual, but Momo wasn’t sure if maybe she was imagining that.

“We have plenty of towels, but did you bring spare clothes?” Kano asked, tilting his head. “I mean, unless you want to put those sandy shorts back on. I don’t know anything about fashion; you’re the idol, not me.”

At the mention of a spare outfit, Momo felt herself deflate. She probably should have packed some spare clothes, but the concept of a beach trip was just weighing on her mind too heavily at the time. The brief moment of disappointment didn’t last long though, as her eyes locked back onto Kano.

“Oh! I can just wear some of your clothes, right?”

Kano looked bewildered, which again, was kind of funny.

“My clothes? You can raid my closet whenever, but aren’t they going to be a little big on you, Miss Super Popular Idol?” Kano teased.

Momo eyed him up and down.

“No, I think we’re pretty much the same size.”

Kano made a strange choking noise.

Still, Kano quietly led her to his room- which was kind of clean, surprisingly, led her to his closet, made a big, dramatic deal about how she could rent any of his clothes out as long as she promised to make one of his outfits a hot new look. To which Momo could only point out that everything in his wardrobe was black and grey, which was kind of not the style at all of teenage girls.

Momo shuffled into the bathroom quickly and stripped as fast as she could, tossing her dirtied clothes into the sink. It was better than getting sand all over the floor.

The hot warmth of the shower felt like a rebirth. Momo watched as the sand slid off her body, down into the drain, and disappeared. The shampoo removed all of the salt from her hair- And yeah, maybe she did use Kido’s shampoo, but so what? She was going to wear Kano’s clothes, it meant nothing!- and left her clean. The ocean washed off of her as easily as it had brought her in.

Stepping out of the shower, Momo dried herself and wrapped her hair in the towel before slipping on Kano’s loose, comfy shorts, and Kano’s loose, comfy shirt. It still smelled just like him, a scent she was beginning to associate with comfort and companionship.

Momo laid back down when she was ready- on the clean couch, flopping back onto the pillows. 

As Momo began to fall asleep, this time to not be interrupted, her mind drifted to Kano again. She’d have to thank him properly later. And maybe wash his clothes. And maybe get him a red bean soda or something. As a thanks for giving her a peek, as small as it was, under his protective mask.

Her limbs felt heavy with the weight of the day, but her chest was light. Her eyes were sore, tired, cried out, but she felt real.

Momo felt grounded. Anchored to the shore.

She dreamt.