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The wind whistled in the trees, a bitter gust lashing rain into Lyra's eyes as she forced her way forward. Pan clung to her shoulders, sharp claws digging into her skin and face buried against her neck. She pulled her jacket closer around her, trying to block the rain with one hand. It was difficult to see, the wind forcing her eyes closed and blurring out her surroundings. One wrong step could send her plummeting, or falling into a bog she would never pull herself out of.
"We should've waited till it was clear, Lyra," Pan yowled over the howling winds. "This is too dangerous!"
"I couldn't wait any longer, Pan," Lyra hissed, face stinging from the knife like rain. "I've already waited eleven years!"
"Then what's another day? I miss them too, but we won't make it through. Let's go back!"
“We can’t! We’re too far now!”
The conditions hadn’t started like this, the sun high in the sky and the weather mild for Northern Brytain. But it had changed so quickly, and neither of them were prepared.
But Lyra had to keep going. She couldn’t turn back now, and risk never being able to go again. Not when there might be a window here, deep into the glens and up the hill she was currently climbing.
"Look, Lyra, some fallen trees! We can shelter behind them."
Lyra squinted against the rain to find where Pan was directing her, fighting through the wind to reach the great fallen tree. It had clearly fallen many years ago, stable enough in its position that she felt comfortable taking shelter in its roots. She hunkered down, sitting on her bag to make sure she didn’t get any colder. Pan pressed closer to her, shivering.
“Hopefully it will die down soon,” Lyra murmured to him, hugging her knees close to her chest to try and keep them both warm. “Then we can find the window.”
"What if it's not there? Xaphania said that they'd close all the windows so that we wouldn't look... But here we are, looking."
"But we haven't spent our whole life looking. We're here for research, living our life, and we heard of something that might be a window. If it's not... Well then it's not."
She would be disappointed, they both would, but that would be no different from the dull ache she constantly felt in her chest. Every waking minute she was thinking of Will, wishing he was here, feeling as if some part of her just wasn't there anymore. She could live her life but she couldn't forget him. He held a part of her, her heart no longer feeling whole without him there. Every fibre of her loved him still. If there was a way to get to him, she'd take it.
But she wouldn't let it consume her more than it already had.
Neither knew how long they sat there, holding each other and silently hoping. Gradually the winds died down to a gentle, cooling breeze and the rain reduced to a light drizzle that practically felt like nothing. The sky was still downcast, grey clouds looming and blocking out the sun. Lyra knew the weather could change at any time again.
“Let’s go.” She pulled her bag back onto her back, Pan hopping out her jacket and onto the ground. He shook out his damp fur and sniffed the air, standing up on his hind legs.
“We should go this way,” he said, running along the heather to lead her. They were both experienced in this now, thanks to their upbringing and now later training, but Pan was much more accurate. His settled form helped him. “There’s a bog the other way.”
Lyra nodded, following him. Each step was careful and calculated, but quick. Energy crawled across her skin, electrifying and with nowhere to go. She knew she was getting closer, an unexplainable feeling drawing her to her destination. It was like a string attached to her chest, tugging her in the right direction. It was so familiar but strange.
Pan felt it too.
“We’re close,” he whispered, scurrying back to her and climbing up her leg. She reached down to hold him, stopping. They held each other and trembled, anticipation building.
Would they really find what they wanted here? Or would it be another disappointment?
“We have to look to find out,” Lyra murmured, pressing her cheek against Pan’s. He rubbed his coarse fur against her. “We won’t know until we try.”
Taking a deep breath, she strode forward. Trees spread around her, contrasting the rolling heather hills she’d just come from. The thickened the further she went, bushes scratching at her legs and twigs crunching under her feet. She was almost there. She could feel it.
Gradually the bushes thinned and she came into a grove, trees towering all around her and casting it in shadow. But there was one thing that couldn’t be affected.
The mirror was just like she remembered them. Barely visible but for the shimmer of the air around it, an incandescent rainbow that was impossible to lose once found. It was smaller than the one’s Will had cut, forcing Lyra to crouch down to look through it.
There was another world on the other side.
“We found it,” she gasped, eyes heating him. She bit her lip to force back the tears. She wasn’t there yet. The crying could wait until she was back in her rightful place, beside the love of her life. “We really found it.”
“I can feel it,” Pan hesitantly peered through the window. “It’s sunny there.”
Lyra scratched his head, fingers running through his fur and grounding her. They’d done it. After all these years waiting she’d found a way back through. Almost half a lifetime spent feeling lost, drifting through life as if it wasn’t her living it. Never again.
“It’s time to go home,” she murmured, holding Pan to her chest and stepping through the window into another world.
"Hello, Lyra, it's been another year," Will said softly to the air, pretending he could feel the warmth of another person beside him. Kirjava curled up in his lap looking forlornly to the side. There was an empty space beside them that should have been filled, just like the space in his heart for Lyra that couldn't truly live. With each year it didn't get easier. He'd thought it might, like grieving his father had, but it was different with Lyra. She was still there, just in another world. He knew that she was sitting on her bench in her Oxford, overlapping his. So close, yet painfully far away. "I hope you're doing well. Work is only getting harder for me. Living away from my mum is difficult, I always worry, but she's doing much better now. All my friends are settling down with partners and keep telling me I need to put myself out there, but I just can't bear to. I can't imagine anyone else. Is it the same for you?"
He liked to imagine a response as he gently stroked Kirjava, comforting both her and himself. Lyra should be there sitting next to him in the same world as him, not in a different one he couldn't see. Then they could have proper conversations instead of pretend ones, and he'd be able to hold her in his arms. He would stroke her hair and kiss her. Everything would feel right. But it wasn't.
"I know it probably is, but I hope you've found someone. If we can't be together I want you to be happy. I hope that when we meet again in the land of the dead your face will be full of smile lines, or your atoms bright and joyful when we join. You deserve that. I love you so much that thinking about your happiness is what helps me attain mine."
Even if it was hard. Sometimes it was difficult to just get out of bed in the morning. He was lucky, because at least he had his mother and Mary, who had become a close friend after everything they went through. Lyra only had Pan.
"Me too." A soft voice interrupted his thoughts, matured yet still so recognisable. "I still love you more than anything."
Will shot up, eyes wide as he spun around the source of the voice. She was there. An older Lyra, taller and more filled out but with the same fiery spark in her dark eyes. There was a tiredness there too, a world weariness they'd both had at age thirteen that had only seemed to increase as she aged. Her hair fell down past her shoulders, loose and wild, and her face was flushed with exertion. His gaze lingered on her lips, full and soft things that he'd dreamt of far too often. He didn't know what to do. He was frozen, Kirjava beside him staring at Pan with just as much shock.
"Am I dreaming?"
Lyra shook her head, a small laugh escaping her lips as they curved up into a wonderful smile. Tears formed in her eyes, splashing across beautiful eyelashes, and he felt a matching heat in his own. It was as if he was suspended in time, everything else fading away as the two lovers once separated by worlds watched each other without moving.
She broke the trance first, taking quick steps to close the gap between them. All at once Will could move as well, fear that she'd disappear if he wasn't perfectly still vanishing as her warm scent filled his senses. This was real. She was here. He surged forward and pulled her into his arms, holding her as close as he could. Her hands gripped his shirt, dark eyes reflecting his desperation. Their lips met, a messy kiss filled with all the love they'd held for years but been unable to fulfil. Will tangled a hand in her hair, stroking through the silky fibres he had once only felt in his dreams, kissing the girl- no, woman that he loved fervently. Neither wanted to let go of the other.
"I missed you, Will, oh, I missed you so much," Lyra gasped as she pulled back for air, forehead still pressed against hers. Their faces were so close that the tip of their noses touched. All of his senses were filled with her, invading every part of him. He gladly welcomed it. Joy blossomed in his chest, shared by Kirjava as she pressed up against Pan just as desperately as their humans. "I thought about you every day, no, every hour."
"I missed you too." Will kissed her again, quickly this time. Their daemons were entwined at their legs, as if they were trying to become one. That way they wouldn't be separated again. "I have so many questions... How? How are you here?"
"We found a window," Lyra smiled, eyes lighting up in a way that had Will marvelling once again at how beautiful she was. After so many years, his love for her hadn't waned. If anything it has strengthened. "By chance. I guess the angels didn't close them all after all."
"I guess not. Does that mean-"
"I can stay," Lyra breathed, words almost a whisper. Her eyes shone with tears, lips curved further up into a warm smile he had imprinted into his memory before they parted. "I know where the window is... Me and Pan can go back sometimes, to recover."
"You want to stay here?" Will asked, concerned even though his heart swelled at the thought of it. To have Lyra in his life again, living together as they were meant to, was all he'd ever dreamed of. But what about her life back in her world? "What about your life back there?"
"I want to be with you," Lyra shook her head. "I brought my alethiometer and my books. I can continue my studies here and perhaps go between the worlds if I need to. You could come too... But I have nothing else there, Will. Everyone I had already left long ago or has their own community that I'm not part of. Everyone I love is here, in this world."
"If that's what you want." Will couldn't hold back the grin that split his lips, fingers gently carding through Lyra's hair. He never wanted to let her go again. "We can stay together, forever this time."
"Until we grow old, then we'll go to the land of the dead together and become one with the world together."
Will laughed, looking down at Lyra's crinkled eyes and bright smile.
"I love you, Lyra."
"I love you too, Will."
A part of Lyra still couldn’t believe this was real.
She’d spent the whole evening with Will, catching up and holding each other in ways they hadn’t been able to before. Eventually the day had caught up to him and he’d drifted off to sleep, arms wrapped around Lyra’s waist so tightly it seemed he’d never let go. Lyra didn’t want him to. She craned her neck to look at him, the soft lamp light highlighting his features.
He’d grown so much, but he was still the same Will she knew and loved. He was still so handsome, so kind, so smart. With him she finally felt complete. Feeling his warm body pressed against hers and his breathing soft against her skin was all she’d ever dreamed of.
“We came so far,” Pan whispered. He lay on Will’s side, face pressed into Kirjava’s fur. The beautiful silver cat was on Lyra. They were entwined just like Lyra and Will were. Finally they were both able to feel their lovers’ touch again in every way.
The electrifying feeling of Will touching Pan was one they couldn’t forget, yet could never experience again in their own world. Neither would allow anyone else to touch him. That was something for Will alone.
“We have,” she replied softly, gently stroking Will’s cheek with her thumb. He shifted in his sleep, lips parting slightly and pressing his face into her hand. Her whole being felt light, happiness bubbling out of her. “So have they.”
They shouldn’t have had to alone. They should have been through it all together. Lyra still resented the fates that had caused this even as the pain slipped away with each touch from Will. She hated all the years she wasted without them, and planned to make sure the rest were spent together.
Now that they were reunited nothing could tear them apart. She was exactly where she was meant to be, in his arms with all four of them so close together there wasn’t a single atom between them.
“Good night, Will,” she murmured, gently kissing his brow before pressing her face into the crook of her neck. She let her eyes close, knowing she could finally sleep well again without being haunted by dreams of a phantom lover that was no longer there. Tomorrow he would be the first thing she’d see, and the last thing she saw before falling asleep.
Finally, they were where they belonged.