Chapter Text
I have an almost religious zeal - not for technology per se, but for the Internet which is for me, the nervous system of mother Earth, which I see as a living creature, linking up.
~Dan Millman
--
“Simmons, you done yet? I wanna check my e-mail,” Tucker said. It didn’t matter that he was in the Red Base – none of that mattered lately since Church’s true identity was revealed to everyone in the valley. “I need to see if my girlfriend replied to our role-play yet. It was getting really hot in her text, and I think I might be getting cyber-laid as soon as I can write her back.”
“No, I’m not done yet… Jesus, you’ve got his system files all fucked up because you watch too much porn. I don’t think you should ever touch him again – he’s all sticky….” Simmons tweaked one last thing, and closed up the case. “There, I cleaned out all your viruses, finished the diagnostics, defragged, cleaned out your Temporary Internet Files folder, dumped the Recycling Bin, killed a bunch of Spyware, and made sure your fire walls are still working all right.”
“Finally!” Tucker chirped. “It’s my turn! I haven’t used you since last week! I need to get my fix. I’m having withdrawals.”
“I know that Tucker.” What Simmons had been fixing was Church, who had discovered that, since he was a computer, he had the capability to BE The Internet, and therefore, a god of sorts to thousands and thousands of collective losers who had nothing better to do day in and day out.
Church turned around, facing his teammate. “But I’m not letting you wank off until later tonight. Other people want to use me, and I’m perfectly fine with that….what, with everyone depending on me and constantly worshipping me. It’s a nice change of things. Now if you’ll excuse me, Caboose wanted to look up photo galleries of cute puppies dressed up in adorable Halloween costumes.”
Within seconds, the Blue leader was gone. Blinked out, just as quickly as he had popped up in front of Simmons and demanded that he be fixed immediately.
“Man, this fucking sucks,” Tucker whined. “I’m freaking horny, and Church is the only way I’ll ever see any more of that European fart fetish stuff – uh, I mean, YouTube.” Having embarrassed himself revealing something that only he and Church knew about, Tucker left in a panic.
Now alone, Simmons rolled his eyes; it was an empty gesture, but nothing else mattered, ever since Church was found out to be The Internet—in essence. The man who was not really a man was servicing himself out like a digital prostitute, completely fine with the constant needs of the Reds and Blues wanting to check certain sites, look up information, surf the Web, and of course, watch hours and hours of porn. But since Church was a whore, and nobody else in the valley really had much technical training, he had been coming to Simmons for getting rid of the viruses and many other nasty things his new role had infected him with. A few of those viruses had become mutations of real-life STDS – apparently Church had been whoring himself out in more ways than one (PleasureSoldier 1300?) – and Simmons now had Doc on speed-dial, if the medic wasn’t already standing next to him during the GeekSquad gatherings.
* * *
A recent maintenance session on the roof of the Red Base went like this:
“What the fuck? This doesn’t seem physically possible… How the – Church, did you know you have a digital strand of Gonorrhea?”
“Yeah, I don’t even know how that happened,” Church said. “At least it doesn’t burn when I pee. I’m a god, and gods, well, don’t do that. The Internet doesn’t have a bladder last time I checked….”
Simmons sighed heavily, and then took a closer look. “Church, you’ve got so many fucking Trojans in you.”
“Blame Wash for that. That bastard can’t get enough of me, and once he’s finished, he just lets them hang out for a bit, since it’s not really going to hurt me and he’s too lazy to take it off, tie it in a knot so that it doesn’t leak all over the place, and throw it out,” Church said completely non-chalant. “It’s easier this way, anyways. Not like I care.”
Simmons knew Church was just giving Agent Washington a hard time since he wasn’t there to argue against the allegations. “Sounds like you’ve got a really bad boyfriend if that’s actually true… and I wasn’t talking about condoms, you damn Blue....” Simmons grumbled, trying to tinker around without getting infected himself. “…God, this is terrible.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Church, you’re not God,” said Simmons. “Just because you’re a super-powerful computer with infinite access to the Internet and Internet-based applications at all times, and you seem to know everything the Internet knows and you have spying capabilities, it does not make you a deity.”
“Shut your fucking mouth, mortal, and fix me already!” Doc was standing next to Simmons, obviously awkward. “Um, Church, you really shouldn’t leave used prophylactics in place after sexual intercourse. I don’t know the long term effects of doing something like that, but the chemicals might invade your blood stream and harm your internal systems.”
Simmons gave Doc a weird look. “While I appreciate that you’re actually demonstrating some medical concern for Church, it’s not really doing much for him just rattling off how he shouldn’t leave latex wedged in his copper rectum,” he said. “How about you tell me how to get rid of his Gonorrhea?”
“Um, well… he’s a computer, right? And this Gonorrhea isn’t really Gonorrhea, is it?”
“Well, if it wasn’t Gonorrhea, I don’t think we’d be calling it that, now would we?” Church remarked.
Doc was slightly floored, but he tried his best to work out the solution. “This is a digital STD, meaning, it’s existing inside his computer parts, right?”
“I… guess.” Simmons wasn’t really sure. “I’ll say it again: This doesn’t seem physically possible.”
Church just shrugged.
“If a normal person gets Gonorrhea, I’d usually just give them a shot and antibiotics. STDs happen in the army a lot more than you’d think,” Doc said. “But since Church here isn’t human, can’t you just – I dunno – delete it?”
Simmons said, “I’d have to find the source file that’s infected and clean out the infection, yeah, but… what about the physical symptoms? Can deleting the file really help his health?”
“What symptoms do you have?” This was addressed at Church. “Ummm, well, it’s weird. I know something’s wrong because I have a yellowish-whiteish-greenish discharge, butt itching, and swollen testicles.”
“Whoa, wait a second!” Simmons was seriously freaking out. “Since when do computer have testicles?”
“I’m also God,” Church stated as-a-matter-of-fact.
“But gods don’t get STDs! I never heard of Zeus getting Gonorrhea, and that was one horny deity,” Grif said, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. “What’s wrong with him now? I really wanna check my on-line standings and see if I’m still number one on the Cosmopolitan Magazine Sexy-Time Bachelor Vote-Off.”
Simmons glared at Grif, this time an empty facial expression since his little teammate wouldn’t be able to see it anyways. “Why are you reading Cosmo? I thought that was Donut’s kind of crap.”
“It is, but I wanted to enter the contest just to see if I’m sexy enough to win.”
“You’re not,” Church said. “I just looked at your standings, you went from number one to number fifteen in the past forty-votes. Sorry pal. I, however, submitted a photo of myself out of armor, and I’m not sorry to tell you, but those past forty-votes have all been for me.” He gave a mock laugh. “Ha, now the world can see how truly devastatingly handsome the face of God is!”
Simmons was grumbling to himself again as he brought up the interface and began looking through Church’s file directories.
Meanwhile, Grif was stunned to hear Church’s previous statement.
“I don’t get it. How can God’s face be handsome if nobody’s ever seen it? The Bible stuff always said that any mortal would die just by looking at the guy because He’s so glorious, but I’d bet my eternal not-soul God is one ugly ass motherfucker. Besides,” he said. “I’ve looked at you plenty of times without a helmet, and I didn’t burst in to flames. Hell, I’ve seen you naked and as you can tell, I currently have not been a victim of spontaneous combustion from your oh-so-gloriousness.”
“What the fuck!?” Simmons tapped a key too hard and accidentally sent a jolt whipping through Church’s systems, making the Blue curse loudly. “Grif, you’re not saying…you’ve slept with a Blue, are you?”
Grif shrugged. “Eh, it’s not as bad as you think. He’s actually quite good, although disease ridden.”
“Hey, that’s only when my firewalls have been down for too long. Sex isn’t as safe without a firewall,” Church said. “And Simmons here is working on that, and once he’s done, we can pick up right where we left off.”
“No, you’re not.” Simmons stood with his hands firmly placed on his hip bones, or at least, where his hip bones would be if he wasn’t wearing armor. “I’m done with this. I don’t support a computer whoring itself around just because The Internet makes it a horny entity.”
“Ha! You said deity, so then I really am a god!”
“Fucking …- No, Church, I said entity. They’re two totally different things.”
Grif looked from Church, to Simmons, to Doc for no apparent reason, and then back at Simmons. “So lemme get this straight… Because The Internet is all-knowing and everywhere, and God is also all-knowing and everywhere, and Church is The Internet, then….” It hit him hard – “Holy shit! You really are God! That’s fucked up, dude, but it makes total sense.”
“I’ve been trying to tell him that, but Simmons just isn’t getting it,” Church said, flexing his hand to make sure everything was still connected properly to it because he’d be needing it later on that evening.
“How’d the fuck did God become a Private in the army? If He’s God, then why aren’t you like a Commandant or five-star general or something equally as powerful and all that crap?” Grif had a point.
Church could see that. “…It doesn’t – it doesn’t fucking matter! I still outrank you! I’m God, dammit – goddamit…”
Simmons was getting fed up with this. “For the love of—” He really didn’t want to bring god up in this, so he tried another word: “Jesus–” It wasn’t working. “Goddamit…” He sighed, shoulders sloping forward. “I can’t seem to properly express myself without bringing some sort of biblical reference…Fuck.” Another deep sigh, which really wasn’t doing much because he was still Simmons 2.0, and Grif had his lungs. “Get back over here. Sarge’ll probably complain that he made that more computerized body of yours for nothing, and that I should be poisoned for cutting him off from downloading tap-dancing and salsa apps for Lopez.” Another completely useless sigh. “I really don’t want to do this, but I know something worse is going to happen if I don’t fix this….” he said.
“That’s right, you fucking mortal. You have no other choice but to fix me, so why don’t you stop your bitching, Nancy, and just do it?”
“…Stop calling me a mortal,” Simmons said. “It’s what you are,” Church said. “I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m God.” Simmons actually wasn’t completely mortal anymore. The cyborg parts made it hard to be human. The cyborg parts did make it easier for Simmons to work on Church, though, because he knew his way around robotic anatomy. Grif could tell ya all about Simmons’ robotic parts.
Grif could also tell ya that while he’s a lazy bastard that doesn’t give a shit, he was also really really impatient. “Hurry the fuck up already, Simmons. I need to order another shipment of liquor. I’m almost out, and you’re taking too long ordering the supplies.”
“So that’s how you ended up sleeping with Church.” Simmons was obviously pissed about something, but nobody really cared as long as he got The Internet back on. “You’re a fucking lush, Grif.”
“Actually, the alcohol had nothing to do with it,” Grif told him. “We drank a bit, fucked, and then drank some more. I was perfectly sober when I fucked him.”
“And I was perfectly sober when I fucked him!” Church piped in indignantly for no good nor reasonable reason.
“Ah, I don’t think it’s really safe for you guys to be having so much anal sex,” Doc finally spoke up, after remaining silently disturbed for a while, which was pretty much the entire time they were on the roof doing stuff with things and Blues. “Church has been experiencing some anal itching, and that’s a major sign of some sort of STI.”
“STI? What the fuck is that? Doc, I told you my ass was itching.” Church cocked his head to the left so that Simmons could reach inside and twiddle something vital to his operation. “I did not say it was ‘anal’ itching. I specifically recall not saying anything about anal, unless we were discussing Grif’s sexy ass and how much we like fucking each other. Which is a lot. A lot. Did I stress that enough or do you want me to repeat myself?”
Doc was severely uncomfortable. “Um, anal sex will only spread the infection further and as far as I know, you might want to avoid that.”
“Dude, for fuck’s sake, it’s digital Gonorrhea, and I’m the only computer around, so everyone I fuck in the real world is safe… -Ow, Simmons, that’s fucking hurting! What the hell are you doing, you fucking sadist?!”
“There, doesn’t matter. I’m done anyways. I deleted the file, replaced the driver with a clean version, and backed up your system on my thumb drive.” Simmons turned away from everybody else, pocketing his little memory stick in a pocket that wasn’t really a pocket and more like storage compartment in the side of his armpit. “I don’t care what happens next. Just don’t come to me when viruses start eating you from inside out. You’re on your own, asshole,” he said.
All the others on the roof turned around slowly and watched as the disgruntled Simmons walked away from the stressful situation to blissfully ignore everything in general.
“Fucking infidel…heathen…bastard. Whatever,” Church said. “Screw him.” He turned to all the others in a snappy movement. “Now who’s gonna play with me first?”
“Oh, me me me me!” Grif was practically bouncing around. “I’ll go get the vodka!”
Church turned his attention to the medic. “You wanna join us?”
“Oh, no. I keep my body pure of all containments such as alcohol and orgies… It’s the Zen way of living,” Doc said. “The idea of it is to cleanse yourself of all impurities and forsake materialistic and carnal desires… like drunken butt-sex! You really should try it sometime. The…the cleansing part, not the butt-sex.”
“Thanks, dude, but no thanks. Drunken butt-sex is too good to give up for enlightenment and minerva and all that eternal life shit,” Church said. “Besides, I’m fucking Jewish, and I can’t be pure anyways, so why even try it? I’m The Fucking Internet.”
“Yep, and I’m fucking the Internet! Heh, see what I did there?” Grif said. “I’m clever as fuck.” He actually seemed really proud of himself.
Church turned to the Red guy. “Oh yeah, yeah, you’re so fucking clever taking the same thing I said just too seconds ago, and not only switching my words around, but changing the goddamm emphasis just to make a joke,” he said. “Real fucking clever. Took you hours to think of that one, I’m sure.”
Grif merely stared then shrugged because as usual, he didn’t give a damn.
“All righty, then. You guys have fun destroying what’s left of your livers and colons,” Doc said, perking up and walking away. “My Third Eye feels polluted. I’ma go cleanse myself of all the horrible mental images I’ve been imagining for the past five minutes! Toodles!”
~*~