Archive of Our Own

Gunil had never hated his job, in fact it was a dream to be making music music for a living, sometimes he felt a little crazy thinking about it all, how different his life could’ve been if he didn’t end up in a band, doing what he loves every day and getting paid for it (eventually… It is their first year, after all), but goddamn, it’s hard.

Being a celebrity in and of itself is so tiring, mentally and physically, the back to back schedules, the early mornings and late nights, the constant pressure to be perfect, to juggle all the responsibilities and still keep a smile to his face; then throw being a leader into the mix and it’s suddenly ten times worse. It meant carrying the burdens of his team all by himself in order to spare his members from more stress than they needed to have.

Stress. That’s something Gunil felt most of the time, but preparing for three days of concerts was more than he’d ever imagined, and quite frankly, he was starting to break down from it.

“Hyung, are you even listening?” he hadn’t realized when he started to space out, they were in the middle of a ten minute break during practice where they were all just talking and grabbing snacks or drinks, but it felt both like two hours and three seconds. Jooyeon waves a hand in front of his face with a mocking expression, waiting for a reply.

“Sorry, what?” they all chuckle around him and Gunil rubs his eyes with more force than needed hoping it’ll wake him up.

Jiseok scoffs from the side “ah, never mind. Did you even sleep last night? I know you stayed behind after we all went home, you look like a zombie, dude” he slept alright. Two and a half hours. On a plastic chair. In the studio. But something is better than nothing, right?

“Don’t worry about me, we’re all tired” he throws his head back and stretches his whole body as best as he can while sitting down, his wrists so sore from playing day and night, and he fights back a pained cry when something pulls wrong in his arm.

“You sure you’re okay, hyung?” Jungsu quips from the side with a genuinely worried expression that makes Gunil chuckle fondly. Of course he appreciates the concern, but he’d never tell them if he’s going through a hard time, he’s the leader, bearing that responsibility is his job.

“Hey, it’s okay. We should get back to practice anyway” without another word everyone returns to their positions and the practice resumes for what feels like the millionth time.

It’ll be fine .

🐹💗🐱

Just like most of the previous days, it’s well past midnight and they’ve all already gone home except Gunil. Despite Hyeongjun trying to drag him out the door and Seungmin scolding him for it like he’s the older one, he’s the last one left in the room.

He’s been saying one more time for the past hour. One more time and I’ll go home, one more time and I’ll pack my things, one more time and it’ll sound good .

After sitting in the quietness, sorta defeated from messing up the same part he’s been unable to perfect since the day before, he starts up again, it’s really the last time. And he’s mid song when the door opens and a tired Jungsu enters the room, still wearing a big coat and a scarf from outside.

“Hyung, you’re still here?” he asks half knowing that he’s about to hear excuses.

“Yeah, I can’t… Get this part right, I was about to leave though, it’s not even that late” he sets the drum sticks down and brings his hands to the back of his neck letting out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“It’s almost three in the morning hyung, get your stuff and let’s go home, please?” Gunil expected a bit of annoyance, but all he got was genuine concern.

He starts picking up until it dawns on him, why was Jungsu back in the practice room at three in the morning too?

“Wait, why did you come back? Didn’t you guys go home?”

“Oh, I left my phone here, I figured I could just come get it tomorrow, but you know I can’t really sleep without music” he picks up his phone from the corner of the room, still plugged into an outlet on the wall, then drops the charging cord inside his pocket.

“You could’ve just told me to take it home, you know? I would’ve left earlier” he puts a sweater on, which is definitely too thin for the winter weather.

Jungsu laughs softly “how would I tell you if I left my phone here?”, Gunil takes a second to process the logic (or lack thereof) and his head hangs down as he smiles towards the ground when he realizes what he said made absolutely no sense.

“I’m too tired for this” he mumbles in a chuckle and Jungsu smiles right back.

They turn the lights off and are halfway out the door when Jungsu realizes Gunil’s poor choice in winter gear.

“Is that all you brought?” he tugs lightly at the collar of his sweater.

“What’s wrong with it?” he knows what’s wrong, but he’d been trapped in that building for so long he almost forgot what season it was outside and completely underestimated how cold it’d be.

“You’re gonna catch a cold like that. Here” Jungsu starts shedding his coat and Gunil tries to stop him with a hand to the shoulder and barely coherent refusals, but Jungsu dismisses him quickly.

“I’m not- Hyung, you can’t get sick” he extends the coat to Gunil with both hands, but it’s met with crossed arms.

“I’ll be fine, put it back on and let’s go” he wants to sound dismissive, but it comes off more like a kid throwing a tantrum.

Jungsu sticks out his arm to show the layers he’s wearing from the sleeves poking out “look, I’m wearing a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie, and a scarf, it really doesn’t make a difference, just put it on”.

He holds the coat up again, and Gunil relents, slipping his arms inside the sleeves with a pout he doesn’t even notice he’s making.

They walk home in comfortable silence, with the occasional remark about the freezing weather and how tired they are, but Jungsu has been worried about Gunil ever since the other day during practice.

“Hyung” he speaks up suddenly and Gunil answers with a hum, not looking up from the ground “the other day… When you were really tired, I know we all asked if you were okay, but you didn’t really answer” they slow down their pace without either saying anything about it.

“Jungsu-yah, you’re not still worrying about that?” he makes it a point for it to sound casual in hopes that the conversation shifts to some other topic.

“I’m just saying, if you ever wanna talk or something, if I can help, then… You can just tell me, you know? From hyung to hyung” this definitely isn’t the first time Jungsu has offered his help, being the second oldest of the group he always tries to act as a second right hand to Gunil, even if most times he gets rejected on the premise that he shouldn’t worry.

He thinks about it for a second, not really sure if he should play it cool, or say what’s actually on his mind. He goes with the latter for once.

“Well…” he hesitates for a second “I’ve just… With the concerts coming up and all, I guess I’ve been more stressed than usual” Jungsu almost replies thinking there’s about to be a long silence otherwise, but Gunil keeps talking “I don’t want to worry any of you, so I thought I’d just hold it in until it’s over and I can laugh about it” he puts his hands in his pockets and sighs, the warmth from it making a tiny cloud of vapor in the air.

Jungsu stops walking and Gunil takes one step more than him before walking back, a bit puzzled from the sudden reaction. Jungsu grabs him at the shoulders and looks straight in his eyes, it’s not uncomfortable, just kinda… Unusual? Gunil can’t pinpoint the last time he’d seen Jungsu’s face in such detail.

“Is there anything I can do to make it better hyung?” he asks in earnest, his eyes reflecting the warm yellow street lights.

Gunil gets hit with a bout of cold air that doesn’t exist as he’s inches from Jungsu’s face. His gaze trails off to his lips. Why does he suddenly want to kiss Jungsu? His bandmate, his friend who he’s known for years. Why does he want to tell him that their lips pressed together is what would make him forget about everything weighing down on him?

He shakes his head as if that would make the thoughts go away, and takes a step back, making Jungsu lose his grip and stumble forward a little to which Gunil reflexively tries to catch him, holding his cold hands in the process. It makes him blush, and in that moment he’s so glad it’s dark and late at night so the possibility of Jungsu catching on is significantly less. Why was this all happening?

Time feels like it’s passing by twenty times slower for Gunil, until Jungsu scoffs with a smile on his face and stands up straight again. He’s not really sure what kind of reaction he was expecting after that, but a smile from the boy standing across him is much better than any other possible outcome that raced through his mind. Jungsu hits Gunil on the shoulder playfully and starts walking again, leaving Gunil slightly behind while he’s still processing what just happened.

Jungsu plays it cool, like he can’t feel his heart beating out of his chest, or his ears growing hot after mustering up the courage to ask the question for the past week “anyway, I’ll do anything if it helps you feel better, so just come to me. I mean it”.

“Don’t worry ab-“ he tries to give the default answer whenever one of his members is concerned about him, but Jungsu sharply cuts him off.

“You know, you don’t have to play that card with me, hyung” the words full of nothing but sincerity, and Gunil feels like he should feel insulted, like if that sentence had come out of anyone else’s mouth he might think they’re accusing him of being insincere. Instead, he feels comforted.

“Thanks, Jungsu” the simple words escape his lips, there’s really nothing else to say, nothing else he could ask for from Jungsu who was there for him without fail.

“Always”.

🐹💗🐱

What really sucked in this situation is that Jungsu’s head was always on Gunil. What he’s doing, what he’s wearing, the way he laughs and talks, how his demeanor changes when he’s talking to them as a leader, or when he’s talking to them as a friend. Jungsu keeps all of that stored away in his mind ever since the day they met. They’d always gravitated towards each other, even before they figured they’d be in the same band, amongst others they seemed to have chemistry like nobody else. Always staying behind to practice, or going to lunch together instead of with the rest of the trainees in their group. They fit in with each other like puzzle pieces, always reuniting even when the big picture was torn down or reassembled.

The worst part of it all, though? Gunil seemed to be oblivious. At least to Jungsu’s eyes, and he had no second opinions because that meant coming clean about his feelings for his bandmate and leader, and the thought alone shot shivers down his spine. The reality is that he felt guilty. No matter how overpowering the love he felt for Gunil was, he was flooded with the feeling of wrongness. That’s Goo Gunil, his friend of years, his leader, his band mate whom he’d referred to as family countless times, so when the feelings started arising he did his best to push them away, keeping them inside his heart and settling for watching from behind the glass.

Every time he failed to step back, though, he felt his sanity slip away, for how much longer will I have to do this ? The question plagued his mind pretty much every day. He loved being in a band and making music, and there was no doubt he also loved his members, but in his mind there were only two choices. Gunil, or the band. Deep down he knew that any sort of relationship between members -the two eldest, no less- could ruin their dynamic, make things awkward for everyone if the scenario he’d replayed in his head of Gunil telling him he doesn’t like him back actually played out. His eyes stung every time he thought about it, so it was put on the back burner one more time after their walk to the dorm at 03:00 AM, knowing that Gunil was the masterful piece of art on display and Jungsu the hopeless spectator who could never lay a hand on it without damaging it.

He’d figure it out sometime. Maybe.

On the other side of the coin, Gunil was painfully unaware of Jungsu’s feelings, the youngest had done such a good job of concealing them that it never occurred to him that to Jungsu, he might be more than just a friend.

Until the other night. When it hit him like a blow to the head, when he stared into Jungsu’s eyes for seconds that felt like days, seeing his perfectly trimmed eyebrows, the defined edges of his eyelids and his pretty pink lips.

Jungsu had pretty lips. That’s what he’d guiltily been thinking about for the past couple days. They were plump, the shade of rose petals, perfectly shaped and soft. Or at least they looked the part. Why did he want to know if they were soft? Shaking off the thoughts was proving so hard he’d basically been avoiding Jungsu for the better part of a week, only really talking at length when it was about work, and avoiding being left alone with him in order to not word vomit everything inside his brain. But despite his best efforts, he knew that at some point he’d have to face him and tell him how he felt.

But he wasn’t even sure of what he felt. It’s too easy to confuse platonic love for romantic love if you spend enough time with someone . He remembers hearing that from a friend back in college and held it close to his heart. Maybe if he let enough time pass away from Jungsu he’d realize his misjudgement and come to the conclusion that he’d been overthinking a friend simply wanting to lend him a hand when he was having a rough time.

Unfortunately for the both of them, fate tends to put the most effort into bringing together those who resist it the most.

🐹💗🐱

And it was on a day where they were filming for their debut anniversary celebration that things came crashing down for the both idiots who were too afraid to voice out how much they longed for one another.

The dressing room was lively, Jooyeon and Jiseok’s laughter could be heard from a mile away while they got ready, the staff members helping them with hair and makeup in different corners of the room, music playing in the background. Gunil was still trying his best to keep away from Jungsu without being too suspicious, laughing at his jokes from far away and chipping into conversations that involved at least one other person. In the end, his intention wasn’t to hurt Jungsu, he just couldn’t trust himself to keep his mouth shut if he came closer than needed.

Then, without even realizing, he couldn’t peel his eyes off the boy on the other side of the room. Pretty lilac and silver hair delicately braided into a half ponytail, his bangs curled and falling to either side of his face, framing it softly. Gunil thought if softness was a person, it’d be Jungsu .

It felt like he blinked and suddenly the younger boy was standing in front of him, seemingly awaiting an answer.

“Hm?” what else was he supposed to say? He hadn’t heard even a sliver of a word that had come out of Jungsu’s mouth.

“So? Do you like my hair, hyung?” he pretended to sassily flip his imaginary long hair over his shoulder, and Gunil felt like his head was on another planet.

“Your hair?”

“It’s unique!” Jiseok chipped in from a couple stools away, a chuckle hiding under his tongue to which Jungsu rolled his eyes half playfully.

Gunil blinked once, twice, feeling like the time he was allowed to stare up at Jungsu had run out about a minute ago when he first stood up from across the room, and yet he couldn’t look away.

“You look like a princess” he blurted out, immediately mentally face palming. What kind of compliment was that? He’d never called him anything remotely close to that, the only ones who were allowed to seriously say those kinds of things were fans, really.

To his surprise, Jungsu smiled down at him, and he could’ve sworn his cheeks turned redder than they already were from the makeup, but upon finally being able to turn his eyes away from the embarrassment he really couldn’t confirm.

“Thanks hyung” he sounded normal to Gunil as he walked away to sit down on the sofa to wait for everyone else to be ready, but Jungsu could hear his heartbeat hammering inside his ears a million miles per hour.

Upon sitting down he pretended to fidget on his phone, opening apps and scrolling, pretending to text, changing the settings and adding widgets, but he couldn’t ignore the rush he still felt after hearing those words. Like a princess .

It wasn’t long before he stood up in a hurry, startling a few of the members and staff, but they all figured he was getting some fresh air or taking a call. Instead he walked over to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with his back pressed against it.

He lets out a big sigh but no relief comes from it. How is he even supposed to get through this recording where they’re meant to be bonding about their first year together if he can’t even look their leader in the eyes without wanting to scream out of frustration at his inability to tell him how much he likes him?

He closes his eyes and starts counting down from a hundred, deciding that when he reaches one he’ll force himself to put on a brave face and get back into the room to sit a few feet away from the person he loves the most in the world who is all but blissfully unaware of it, and he’ll stay quiet and film the video and go home without incident.

Then, a knock at the door.

The loud noise startles him for a second and he doesn’t reply, but the door pries open since in the flash of emotions he’d entirely forgotten to lock it. His weight gets pushed off it, and when he turns around it’s Gunil, looking a bit flustered.

“Sorry I- I didn’t know you were here” he turns to leave, but something in Jungsu says that he should will him to stay, so he does, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him in closer.

Gunil looks at him expectantly, but Jungsu has an unreadable expression, he blinks entirely too many times while simply staring right at him, the grip on his wrist unwavering.

“A-are you okay?” Gunil speaks up and Jungsu snaps out of his trance, pulling him inside the bathroom with him and shutting the door. He’s not really even sure of what he’s getting at with this, it was an impulsive move and now he’s stuck here, the both of them inside the tiny room, mere inches away from each other.

The smell of bleach and floor cleaner suddenly becomes too strong and Jungsu finally finds his voice “hyung” Gunil stands still, like he’s afraid of getting any closer.

“You can tell me if this is… Too much” Jungsu’s eyes trail off to the floor as the last words drag out and Gunil feels his hot breath brush against his face.

Jungsu finally lets go of his wrist and slowly lifts his hands to rest on either of Gunil’s shoulders, gently pushing him all the way against the closed door and lifting his head up but still not meeting his eyes, gaze now fixated to Gunil’s mouth.

He inches closer and closer until he can feel the warmth of Gunil’s body radiating off him, and the older one doesn’t even realize when he stops breathing, all he knows is that Jungsu is so close to him that the tips of their noses are touching. Jungsu stops there for a few seconds, giving him the opportunity to push away (or ideally, pull him in) if he wanted to, but he stays at a standstill and that’s all he needs to close the gap between them.

It’s barely a brush of their lips when Gunil flinches to the side “Jungsu, we shouldn’t-“ the youngest steps back and looks away as his heart sinks into his chest.

“I knew it, it’s fine” he pushes past Gunil feeling his eyes burn and swings the door open, leaving him inside the otherwise empty room, with only the buzz of the fluorescent light that cast over them seconds ago to fill the silence.

Gunil takes entirely too long to come back to his senses, and by the time he manages to step into the hallway Jungsu is gone, but the words at the tip of his tongue sneak their way out in a whisper anyway.

“You knew what?”

🐹💗🐱

The recording that day went great, and although it was fun and enjoyable for everyone, all Jungsu wanted to do was sob, especially after hearing Gunil’s letter to the members. His eyes stung, tears threatening to pool at the corners if he let himself think too much on the fact that he’d tried to kiss his leader not two hours before and confirmed what he feared this whole time.

He’s not wanted.

Maybe as a band member, as an artist, as a friend, but nothing else. And maybe it was selfish to want to have more meaning than he was given in Gunil’s life, but the way his heart ached for it was a constant reminder of how he’d never be good enough no matter how much he tried.

Not a word was spoken about it afterwards, but the tension was all there, so thick Jungsu felt like he was choking on it every time he took a breath. He was avoiding Gunil like the plague for days even through concert rehearsals, limiting their speaking to work, and promptly leaving if the conversation felt like it was about to derail into something else. He couldn’t stand it; the thought of Gunil putting into words how much he didn’t like him back, how much he’d never see him as more than a close friend.

It hurt. Too much. He’d been tossing and turning every night since, unable to close his eyes without picturing Gunil’s face right in front of his under the harsh bathroom lighting, all pretty and puzzled at their sudden closeness. The image just wouldn’t vanish and he hadn’t slept more than a couple hours, the dark circles under his eyes a dead giveaway, but he knew the only release he’d get would be to confront his demons, and he wasn’t at all ready to come to terms with the fact that his beloved masterpiece would always be out of reach even if he stretched his arms out until sore.

It was one of said nights yet again, even if it was the middle of December his pyjama top stuck to his backside with a layer of sweat after waking up with the same scene plaguing even his dreams. He sat up feeling the artificially warm air enveloping him, there was no way he was going back to sleep after this, he’d just have to stick it out until sunrise and get ready to head to another day of practicing. At least that would keep his head busy enough to not think about it.

He carefully makes his way to the balcony from the makeshift bedroom in the living room, fully aware that he should be wearing another layer to head into the night weather, but the glacial rush of air seemed to help him catch his breath at once, so he sits outside in the freezing climate, eyes closed and knees to his chest, preferring the bitterness of the cold that makes him forget to the warmth that clung to his feelings.

Completely unaware of how much time had passed, he only stood up to go back inside when his joints felt frozen solid in position so much so that it hurt to move, but he managed to drag himself to the sliding door, opening it and stepping inside into the sharp temperature contrast.

And his heart almost jumps out of his chest when he makes out a dark figure standing by the kitchen, until he realizes it’s Gunil.

Fuck, it’s Gunil. At this point he would have preferred a ghost.

The way the heat returns to his body upon the realization would make anyone wonder if he’d even been outside at all, the entire blood content of his body furiously rushing to his cheeks and ears, now tinted a dark red, his pulse thumping at his neck.

“God, you scared me” Gunil speaks up first in a frantic whisper, being mindful of the fact that Hyeongjun is sleeping mere feet away from them.

“Sorry” Jungsu whispers as well, and it almost feels like a normal encounter, like they both totally don’t have unresolved tension setting them apart.

“What were you doing out there? It’s freezing” Gunil asks with a hand still to his heart after being startled.

“I was- It’s nothing, it’s too hot in here” he instinctively fans himself with his hand, which is still frozen solid in a C shape from holding his knees together earlier.

They sit in silence for a second, neither of them fully knowing how to proceed. Jungsu out of avoidance, Gunil out of still being half asleep and too drowsy to remember.

“Okay, well… Are you going back to bed?” Gunil scrubs at his eyes in an attempt to gain some coherence.

“I can’t sleep” Jungsu deadpans, still whispering. They both know Hyeongjun is a dead weight, but they’d rather not take the chance of waking him up.

“Wanna come to my room? Jooyeon fell asleep in Jiseok’s bed so it’s just me, we can listen to music or something” he’s positively blabbering, his brain not caring to remind him that the very person standing in front of him tried to kiss him a week ago and he evaded it like an idiot even though there’s nothing else he’d have liked more.

Jungsu thinks he must be hallucinating. He’s been to Gunil’s room many times, but never under these circumstances.

“Your room?” fuck fuck fuck fuck.

“It’s cool in there, I always close the vents so…” he scratches at his head, starting to gain a semblance of consciousness and memories starting to piece together inside his head “…if you want to, if not then.. I’ll just go ba-“

Jungsu doesn’t know if he’ll regret this, but it’s worth trying. After all, he might never get the opportunity again otherwise and knowing about the missed chance later on would probably hurt more.

“No, no, I’d like that” he blurts out too loudly for the time of day and his face contorts at the realization that the sound made Hyeongjun shift around in his sleep.

Gunil nods towards his room and Jungsu trails behind him sheepishly. Upon entering the room the temperature change is drastic, and he’s at least glad that his dreams weren’t the only thing making him sweat buckets. He sighs at the relief and Gunil chuckles next to him.

“Better?” he asks earnestly, but Jungsu seems lost, just staring at the furthest wall.

Because it was all hitting him so overwhelmingly now, the heat and the cold, the quietness, the shifting rainbow lighting coming from Gunil’s desk lamp that he used as a night light, the smell of his favorite perfume and recently washed bed sheets. He’d been there so many times after realizing how he felt about Gunil, so why was this one proving so difficult to get through?

He snaps out of it upon feeling a hot touch to his arm, flinching slightly but not wanting to free himself from it.

“Are you alright?” it’s half a question, half laughter. To Gunil, Jungsu had looked absolutely adorable just seconds earlier, all spaced out, but he meant what he said. Maybe it was because of the time, or he wasn’t as clear headed as he thought, but despite knowing how awkward things had been between them his heart seemed to be making all the decisions to push forward.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m- I’m okay” he says in between dazed blinks and they stand motionless, Gunil looking into his eyes and knowing that there’s something he’s not saying. He walks the both of them to sit down at the edge of his bed, sliding his grip from Jungsu’s arm down to his wrist but not letting go. And he’s about to speak up, but Jungsu is quicker.

“If you- If you wanna go back to sleep I’ll just sit on Jooyeon’s bed or something, I don’t think I can-“ Gunil is determined to talk, though, his mouth moving faster than his brain.

“Is there something on your mind?” Jungsu doesn’t even register the question, he just hums asking him to repeat it.

“You… Have that look; in your eyes? Like you wanna say something” he’s seen that in Jungsu countless times, and he even feels a bit ashamed to admit that he picks up on it so well.

Jungsu opens his mouth like he’s made up his mind, but no words come out.

“Look, if you’re worried about the other day… We don’t have to talk about it, we’ll just pretend it never happened” it feels so wrong to say it, but maybe it’d put Jungsu at ease, Gunil thinks.

It doesn’t. It hurts, because to Jungsu it’s another reminder that Gunil could just brush past it while he’ll be stuck with the memory of it forever. His eyes well up with hot tears before he can stop himself, and he can’t even look up when Gunil starts shushing him with worry.

“Hey, hey, talk to me, what’s wrong?” Gunil tries to make eye contact but the youngest vehemently avoids it.

“Me” he says in between choked sobs and Gunil doesn’t quite understand. He cups his face in his hands, making Jungsu look up as his tears spill over. “I’m sorry”.

“For what? You didn’t do anything wrong” he urgently wipes the tears off Jungsu’s face with both thumbs, but it only seems to make him cry harder.

“Hyung, I tried to kiss you, and I shouldn’t have, I- It was wrong but I wasn’t thinking. If you…” the knot in his throat grows tighter before the words come out “… if you want to forget about it, then- Then it never happened” there’s an edge to his words, and Gunil’s heart breaks in two.

With Jungsu’s face still in his hands, he gets closer and precariously presses a kiss to his cheek, painfully close to his lips. It was now or never.

“I wanted you to kiss me”.

Gunil speaks softly next to his ear and the words tickle Jungsu’s skin, he thinks he must be dreaming, hearing only what he wants to hear. It almost feels cruel when he thinks about how his brain must be playing tricks on him, until Gunil sounds off again.

“And I wanted to kiss you too, Jungsu” he stays still at his side, having spent all his courage in two sentences, his heart now persistently hammering at his chest. Jungsu sniffles, still lost for words; he’s not even sure how to respond to hearing Gunil reciprocate his feelings after he stupidly held them in for so long.

“Do you mean it?” the hesitance comes through amidst the geyser of emotions, not because he thinks Gunil would ever be insincere, but it feels unreal after he’d fantasized about it for as long as he can remember.

“There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted more” Jungsu is still weeping like he’s broken-hearted, but the faintest smile fills his lips. “Can I?”

He nods in Gunil’s hands, and it’s not immediate. The oldest attentively kisses his jaw, his cheek, the barely curled corner of his mouth, before pulling back for a second to look at Jungsu, tenderness inundating his eyes. Then, their lips come together in a salty kiss, and they sigh into each other’s mouths knowing that they’re okay now.

It’s slow and careful, Gunil caressing Jungsu’s face as they move in unison trying to taste each other as thoroughly as they’d both desired this whole time, just how it was meant to be all along. It feels like time stills around them, the only thing unsteady being their hearts beating in concert. It’s soft and warm, but most of all, safe.

For a second Jungsu wonders how long it’ll be until he opens his eyes and he’s back in the living room, the morning sunlight poking through the curtains reminding him it’s yet another day. However it’s not long before his mind goes blank at the surprise of Gunil separating their lips but continuing to trail tiny reassuring kisses down his neck in an attempt to calm down the stream of tears that still flow out of Jungsu’s eyes. He’s already out of breath and the sensation makes him gasp.

Gunil flinches ever so slightly “is this okay?”, he thinks he knows the answer by the way Jungsu melts under his touch, but he’d regret not asking.

“Yeah” he answers simply but the tears don’t stop falling from Jungsu’s eyes either way, even as Gunil traces the outline of his collarbones with damp lips reminding him that he’s there just for him. The emotions are desperately pummeling their way into his heart in a way he never expected to experience outside from daydreams, and he falls nothing short of feverish as he realizes how quickly things progressed.

His fingers tangle in Gunil’s hair carefully, and the oldest comes to a halt, looking up patiently but slightly dazed at the sudden movement.

“For how long did you know?” he utters, aching for the real answer.

Gunil straightens up in front of him and places both his palms on Jungsu’s thighs, mostly to ground himself. “If I’m honest with you, I never thought about you; about us , like this before…” looking up at Jungsu’s tear stained face he can’t contain the way his heart urges to protect him, so he pulls him into a hug that Jungsu is all too happy to receive even if he doesn’t show it as he falls limply on his arms.

“… But when we walked home together that night, a lot of things became clear. I realized you’ve always been there for me like nobody else has or ever will. You selflessly supported me at my best and worst and stayed by me even after seeing me at my lowest when I had nothing to offer to you in return. I realized I wanted to be the same for you”.

He strokes the small of Jungsu’s back, unconsciously starting to rock the both of them side to side rhythmically “I was scared of how we might change, so I pushed my feelings aside and hurt you in the process, and I’m sorry” Jungsu whimpers in his arms, but finally wraps his own around Gunil, tighter than ever.

“I don’t know what that means for you, and I’ll accept any answer, but to me… It feels like love”.

Love.

The very thing Jungsu had been too afraid to even think about, let alone allow himself to feel it, but just then it washed up on him like jumping inside a pool on a hot summer day.

There’s a lot he wants to say but he’d need time for thinking clearly, and in his true nature Gunil puts him at ease like he can read every one of his thoughts.

“You don’t have to say anything right now, I’ll hear you out when you’re ready” he finds solace in Gunil’s voice and the way he steadily runs his fingers through his hair.

Time passes as they rest in each other’s arms, feeling ten times lighter than before now that their worries have been quelled in the dead of night. It feels like a dream for the both of them, one of those that if you wake up, you might try to close your eyes again in an attempt to bring it back, but the warmth they feel in their embrace is more than enough of a reminder that it’s all real and not going anywhere.

Jungsu pulls back and looks up at Gunil bashfully, “can you kiss me again?” he can’t resist, and Gunil doesn’t need to be told twice.

Jungsu’s tears taste honeyed in Gunil’s tongue as he carefully licks them off his lips, soft and sweet as he imagined. They come together with want, but not with urgency or hunger, knowing that neither of them will allow the moment to be fleeting, instead it’ll stay locked away in their hearts forever.

Despite how present and aware they both are, their lips part and neither knows when the rest of their bodies inched closer together, Jungsu leaning in as far as possible without climbing on top of the older one, and Gunil holding onto his waist like his life depended on it. Their foreheads pressed together Gunil chuckles, mostly drunk in the dubiety of the situation, but he knows he wants this, he wants Jungsu in every way and in every moment, but especially now.

Hands repositioned at his hips, he pulls Jungsu into his lap with his legs folded on either side of Gunil’s, glancing up at him before moving any further.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to” his characteristic sincere smile appears, but it means so much more this time around.

All Jungsu does is wrap his arms around his neck and hug him, wanting to be as close to Gunil as possible, because now he’s allowed to want him, strings attached.

Thankfully, Gunil knows how to take a wordless hint when Jungsu places a peck on the sensitive skin behind his ear, then another one, and a few more, just for good measure. His heart swells, and he lets himself fall onto the mattress with Jungsu atop him, pretty as a cherub with the multicolored light from the corner of the room hovering over his messy, fluffy hair like a halo, or maybe a bejeweled crown, fit for royalty.

Jungsu is a little flustered at the way he’s suddenly caging Gunil under him, his arms giving out for a second after they lock eyes. But if Gunil is good at anything, it’s taking the lead. He carefully flips over, making sure Jungsu’s head lands on the pillows beneath, and he’s out of breath at the sight.

“You’re so pretty…” Jungsu blushes, and god, he wants to say it so badly. So he does.

“.. So pretty, princess” he speaks in a tone Jungsu has never heard before and it makes his face and ears a violent red that he tries to hide with his hands immediately. He’d been lovingly called that by fans so many times now, but the words coming from Gunil made butterflies flutter in his stomach.

Gunil sighs fondly at his reaction, but in relief as well, that the pet name was well received. He doesn’t pry Jungsu’s hands away from his face, either, just inches closer and presses a kiss to the top of his head.

Jungsu lowers his hands keeping them balled up at his chin, the shyness still lingering. When he looks up, Gunil swears he sees his eyes sparkle kaleidoscopically as he talks.

“I feel safe with you, hyung” of course, the statement went much further than the current situation, but that let Gunil know everything he needed to.

He kisses Jungsu a third time, feeling him grow hotter underneath his own body but still careful and still as ever. His hands make their way down his sides in gentle, warm strokes that make the younger one squirm and gasp at the new feeling.

Jungsu finally musters up enough courage to touch Gunil the way he’s wanted to, gradually palming his way down his neck, then his shoulders and arms, tracing the outline of every one of his defined muscles, tense from holding up his weight over him. His skin is soft, and the fresh smell of his lotion and lingering musky cologne fire off a different nerve ending every time he takes a breath in the midst of kissing Gunil back. He’s overwhelmed in the best possible way.

It’s not even deliberate, when Gunil puts pressure on his crotch with his knee as he leans in trying to savor as much of Jungsu as he possibly can, but he moans in his mouth and he’s all too happy to swallow the sweet sound. He does it a second time, now wantonly, and Jungsu grinds back on him, quiet mewls coming from his lips right into Gunil’s.

They build friction between each other three, four, five times, and Gunil feels his limbs give out as he gets more worked up, so despite this getting him the best view, he slowly lowers his body right into the soft blankets, side to side with Jungsu, not breaking their kiss. He brings the youngest in closer by the waist, making the both of them twitch at the way their bodies connect so perfectly.

Their eyelashes tangle together as a result of their closeness, and Gunil takes it upon himself to slide one of his thighs in between Jungsu’s legs, letting him push against it steadily, but there’s no desperation to the pace, it’s purely sweet.

Their lips part after what feels like an eternity, Gunil brushing barely sweaty strands of hair away from Jungsu’s face, who’s whimpering like their touch hurts but the movement of his hips is unrelenting.

“You feel good, doll?” he coos, realizing he’s so lucky he gets to see him like this, with kiss-swollen lips and rosy cheeks; like no one else will.

Jungsu nods vaguely, grasping at Gunil’s shoulders to stabilize their movement as it starts to become sloppy “so good, hyung”, the breathy words turn into a sob of pleasure when Gunil grinds back on him, finding purchase on his hips.

He holds onto the soft flesh, firm but reposeful, Jungsu softening the grip on his shoulders upon feeling them grow steady thanks to it, now simply using his hands to squeeze at his hyung’s toned arms to his content.

Gunil’s breathing grows heavy as they both get closer and closer, and it’s too much in a way he only ever dreamed of. He brings one of Jungsu’s legs to wrap around his hip and his vision goes white at the edges upon feeling how hard Jungsu really is against his own bulge.

His hand slides from the back of Jungsu’s thigh up to his ass and he squeezes, getting a satisfied groan in response.

Gunil buries his head in Jungsu’s neck as the space between them becomes nonexistent, their thrusts into each other deeper and harder, the room filled with heat and the sounds of their love brought together at last.

He suckles at the delicate skin on Jungsu’s neck, leaving tiny pink blossoms that’ll fade by the next day, but the pretty moans that leave his mouth at the feeling are more than worth the effort. In a moment Jungsu is clinging to Gunil’s waist, his mouth agape and his eyebrows furrowed at the ecstasy of it all.

“You don’t know for how long I’ve wanted this… Wanted you, hyung” his voice is shaky at the admittance, but it feels so good to say it knowing that he’s wanted, too.

Gunil kisses his jaw fondly “never wanted anyone as bad as you, princess”, he instinctively grinds harshly against Jungsu making him spasm, followed by a whimper that is definitely too loud for the time of night, but it goes unnoticed by the both of them.

“I’m- I’m so close” Jungsu feels lightheaded at the words floating in the air and he ruts up against Gunil’s weight chasing his climax, engulfed in how perfect it feels to be there with the person he loves the most by his side. He wouldn’t want to feel like this with anyone else.

Their lips connect wordlessly and they pant and moan into each other’s mouths, their hips out of sync as they both ache for the sweet release and their hair messy from rubbing against the pillows, a thin film of sweat covering their foreheads.

In between their messy kisses Gunil manages to speak wanting to tip Jungsu over the edge, make him feel good like he deserves.

“So good for me, babygirl” Jungsu whines and huffs wordlessly at the praise and Gunil bites back a smile at the effect of his words. “You like that? Being my babygirl?” he coos, loving the way his other half’s body reacts to it against his own thrusts.

Jungsu can’t even process the words as he arches his back, his orgasm hitting him like never before. His legs shake and twitch as he forcefully cums in his underwear, the slight overstimulation creeping over as he lets Gunil do all the work of riding out his high as well as continue to search for his own pleasure.

Gunil keeps grinding against Jungsu’s small limp body, but it doesn’t take long before he’s gasping and clinging to his back as he cums too, messy and warm. He thinks his lungs might collapse at his lack of breath from how flawlessly it all seems to come to an end.

They try to catch their breaths in each other’s arms, Gunil rubbing soothing circles on Jungsu’s back and the youngest taking it all in, his face buried in Gunil’s chest, safe.

“You were perfect” Gunil utters, looking down with that pretty, genuine smile of his.

“So were you” Jungsu closes his eyes, as if to lock in the moment in his memory before it slips away with the unforgiveness of time.

“You know what else you were? Past tense ” he clarifies, holding Jungsu close.

He gives the oldest a puzzled look and blinks a few times before humming a no. Gunil snickers under his breath, like he always does when he knows a joke he’s about to deliver isn’t funny to anyone but himself, which in turn makes Jungsu get a smile on his face, humoring him as usual. This is one of a million reasons why he loves Gunil just the way he is.

“Not mine” his index finger curls under Jungsu’s chin bringing him mere millimeters from Gunil’s mouth, “but since that was the past…” one small kiss lands on Jungsu’s lips “.. and this is the present…”, then a second one “.. you’re all mine now” .

Third time’s the charm and they smile against each other’s kisses, resting assured that to the both of them, this feels like love.