Chapter Text
A/N this is my first ever fic! Please let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and make no money off of this work. Im just in it for the fun.
Devastation.
Denial.
Regret.
Self loathing.
Then the last and worst of all, numbness.
That was what I was feeling the following weeks after the Hellmouth closed and I lost the man I realized I loved too late. Willow and Giles keep trying to get me back into living, in their minds everyone should be happy. They won, they beat the first and they had their whole lives ahead of them now. I am no longer “the one” I am one of many. I had the opportunity to have what I always wanted, that chance at “normal”.
There was only one problem, I didn’t want that anymore. I just want HIM back. I just want to tell him that I really meant it, that I do love him, that I am ready to give him that crumb, hell the whole cake. That we could have a chance at being happy together. But I can’t do that anymore, because he left me just like everyone else I loved has…
I know that’s not fair, he didn’t leave because he wanted to, he left so I didn’t have to. If I’d worn that gaudy necklace I would be gone now and he would be where I am.
Sometimes I think that would have been better, maybe I’d be happy again. But that’s not fair, he was my champion and he deserves the recognition and respect his sacrifice earned. I am just thinking in circles again, how many times have I thought the same thing over and over again in the two weeks since he burned?
We are still in LA staying at the Hyperion because Angel offered it to us while they figure things out. He can’t understand why I’m grieving, why I’m not happy that the apocalypse is over and I’m free to do what I want. I don’t even bother explaining it to him because he will never understand.
Every day he tries to pull me aside to talk about “us”. Normally I’d think that’s weird because usually Angel is Mr. Cryptic but it makes sense this time because when we made it to LA, he tried to greet me with a kiss. I almost had a breakdown at that, because I just kept flashing back to our “hello kiss” when he gave me the amulet and the pain in Spike's eyes. I knew it was wrong when I did it but me being Ms. Avoido Girl, I thought it was a good way to make Spike not expect anything from spending the night holding me the night before.
God, I’m so stupid, seeing the hurt in his eyes I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. But I can never admit when I’m wrong and have perfected living in that river in Egypt. So I went with it. God I'm going to have to talk to Angel soon, I'm out of excuses. I just don’t want to deal with him.
I feel like my eyes have finally been open to him. I realized that I was still acting like that 16 year old girl fawning over her first love, even when that first love lied to me and treated me terribly I’d keep making excuses for him. But it was all lies he wasn’t my knight in shining armor. He was a guy that ran away when he realized he couldn't sleep with me anymore.
He's no longer the only vampire with a soul, now. So I know how much he lied about who he was. Angel and Angelus are the same person. I mean how naive was I? If they were truly different people why would be need redemption? It makes no sense! Spike was the same person he was before the soul, maybe a little quieter, more subdued, and sad but he was still Spike, it's not like he used to be Spikeus ?!? Either way, my rose colored glasses when it came to Angel are officially off and I hate him for all the time I wasted by believing everything I did.
I could have been with Spike for a long time but I couldn’t believe that he could love without a soul because if I did, I'd have to admit that Angel just didn’t love me without one.
Hell at this point I'm not sure if he loved me at all. He was just a manipulator saying what he had to, do to get what he wanted.
Okay, I had the half hour of wallowing I allowed myself each morning. It's time to be “the slayer”, the sister, and the leader again. First things first, it's time to check on Dawn. So after I did my morning cleansing routine I left my room and knocked on the door next to mine. A few seconds later the door opens to a smiling Dawn.
“Hey Buffy, are you feeling better today? You’ve looked so sad and tired.“
“Yeah, I guess, I just going to take some time, but I’ll be happy Buffy again in no time “ I lie.
"I know you're sad, Buffy, and you're allowed to be, you don't have to hide it. At least not from me, I know that it's not easy in front of the rest of the Scoobies but I miss him too. I never got to talk to him and make everything okay between us again." I take a step forward and hug Dawn, I see she's holding back tears just thinking about Spike.
"It's okay, Dawn. He loved you so much and you know what? He didn't die naturally, he died supernaturally."
"Yeah, I know that, but why is that a good thing?"
"It means that we can find a way to bring him back to life, and that's exactly what I'm going to do, I'm going to bring him home."