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Leia rested her head against the steering wheel, letting her breath out slowly. She needed to calm her down. It didn’t even qualify as a crash. More of slow skid then descent into snow. She managed to get a quick call out to Luke before her phone lost its signal and she needed to trust he would take care of it. Everything was going to be okay.
She lifted her head and looked out the windshield. Or rather at the windshield since there was nothing to see beyond the quickly piling up snow.
“Apparently, this night could get worse.”
She loved Luke, would do anything for her brother, who was the kindest, most generous human she knew, but getting married over Christmas in the small town she had diligently avoided for years was about to do her in. She had been back for all of ten hours and it had been one thing after another. Plane delayed so she had to rush to the inn then quickly dress and get to the rehearsal. Which also meant she forgot her phone charger, didn’t bring a hat or gloves, and arrived already in a bad mood.
Leia promised Luke she wouldn’t spend the entire time complaining. He and Daniel were having the ceremony they wanted and were getting enough grief from parents. He needed his sister’s support. She lasted less than five minutes before her first eye roll. Their father didn’t make it easy with his need to exert control over every situation. Or their stepmothers’ need to be center of attention. But it was Han, his damn swagger and over-confidence that drove her over the edge. He watched her walk into the room, gave her a small assessing smile like he had her all figured out, and she almost walked right back out the door.
It would have been fine if she only had to say a polite hello at the reception and move on. Easy enough to lose him and his date in a room of fifty people. But making Han the officiant meant spending the rehearsal and dinner, the day of, ceremony, and reception with him. His ridiculous cocky grin and perpetually tousled hair. He still thought he was god’s gift to whoever might be interested—and still ran on the assumption that was everyone—and it irked her to no end.
“I need both of you to suck it up and do this for Daniel and me.” Luke called to give her the happy news of the engagement and the distressing news about their wedding plans. “He’s one of our closest friends and we both want him involved.”
“Why isn’t the guest list good enough?”
“He introduced us, Leia. He and Chewie are helping us fix up the house. He’s practically my brother.”
“Well, he’s definitely not my brother.”
“Good thing. Incest and all.”
She almost hung up on him for that comment.
Luke must have given Han the same speech because he was on his best behavior. They both were at first. But while she tried to not actively engage with him, he hovered. She felt him watching her from across the room but refused to look back. When he asked questions, she gave polite replies. She didn’t want to argue about the validity of the foundation. Didn’t want to talk about projects she put her heart and soul into if he was going to dismiss them as do-gooder charities. She’d had that argument with him years ago and didn’t want to go through it again.
But his smile still did her in and she hadn’t expected to see him in a suit and tie and truly didn’t need him to see the flush in her cheeks when she looked at him. She did not want to give him any more ammunition than he already had. Leia told herself it was because she hadn’t seen him in so many years. It was a shock to her system. But he was trying to get a rise out of her, fall back into their old patterns, and was ignoring the boundaries she had clearly set. She finally had enough as they were heading into dinner and pulled him aside.
“Could we try to get through this night without a fight?” Her whisper sounded more like a hiss.
His eyes darkened as he whispered back, “Seems unlikely, Princess.”
They were seated at one of the table with Daniel’s sister Sarah. Poor Sarah. Leia suspected she wasn’t fully prepared for what came her way. She and Han argued throughout the meal while also refusing to address each other directly. Leia suggested it was a miracle he had the attention span to officiate an entire ceremony. He wondered how anything was getting done at the foundation—extra emphasis on foundation—if she wasn’t there to handle it. Who knows how far it might have escalated if Han hadn’t stood up as dessert arrived, announcing he had someplace else to be.
The headlights were only a few meters away by the time she saw them. She sat up straight, held her breath, hoping they were there for her. Then she saw the truck slowly pass, pull in as close to the side of the road as possible and stop.
Fuck. Her head went back down on the steering wheel. She was going to kill Luke. She loved her brother, wanted him to live a long and happy life, but this was the final straw.
Han rapped on her window. She looked up, saw him decked out in a parka with hood pulled up, and she somehow avoided scowling.
He’s helping me. Drove out in a blizzard to get me. Keep cool. Stay calm.
She grabbed her bag, made sure her coat was fully done up, and climbed out of the car. He gave her the once over then raised an eyebrow. Shouted to be heard over the whipping winds.
“High heels. No hat. And you say I shouldn’t call you Princess.”
“It was supposed to be a short drive and I didn’t intend on being outside for long.”
She left out the part about staying at the club longer, talking to her assistant on the phone. Everyone else was anxious to beat the storm and warned Leia to do the same. She insisted she would only be couple of minutes but the snow was already blowing when she finally looked up.
Han shook his head, swung his arm to indicate she should go first. His truck was maybe twenty feet away but she honestly didn’t know if she could make it. She stumbled against the wind and drifts. Snow covered her hair, blinded her, flew down her collar and up her sleeves. She fell twice thanks to her inappropriate footwear and shook off Han’s hands when he helped her up. By the time she got in the cab, she was covered in white and felt frozen through.
She ran her hands over her hair, pushing the wet and snow back, then held them in front of her. She clenched them into fists to stop them shaking.
“You okay?”
Leia looked at Han. He was turned toward her, parka hood pushed back and hands on steering wheel. She saw the person she knew seven years ago. Eyes soft, tender. Curious. Eyes that could see right through her and liked what he saw.
She nodded. “Thank you for coming to get me.”
He blinked a few times and the moment was over. Walls up. Doors shut. He didn’t shift but she saw his jaw clench. Funny how she could still recognize subtle changes in his body language. Still knew his tells.
“Luke was worried.”
Right. Of course. Neither of them would here if it wasn’t for Luke.
“Is the car going to be okay there?”
“Has to be.” He slowly pulled out and turned the truck back down the road. “Not getting a tow tonight.”
It was a different truck. Newer than the blue and white antique he used to drive around. Where they shared their first kiss and so much more. Even sleeping in the flatbed a few times so they could make love under the stars and wake up with the sunrise.
Making love. Why was she being sentimental about it? They were barely adults—she was eighteen, Han twenty-one—and it was a summer fling before she left for college. It was sex, nothing more. Her first time, sure, but she had plenty of times after him so there was no need to romanticize it. He certainly didn’t.
“Are you taking me back to the inn?”
“Not driving three miles to drop you off then three miles back.” He kept his eyes on the road, squinting to see more than a few feet in front. “You’re gonna have to wait it out at mine.”
“Perfect.” She spoke barely above a whisper but knew he heard.
When her brother first mentioned his new friend, a petty criminal whose best friend was a giant of a man in his fifties, Leia assumed Luke had a crush. Every call was filled with her brother telling some Han story, how he was teaching Luke how to fix cars, or going on a road to pick up parts. Luke had never adjusted to his boarding school, never fit in with its elite set even though their family had more than enough money. She had thrived at hers—the Organas were nearby and essentially adopted her into their family—and it was hard to watch her twin struggle. She was happy for him when he transferred back to Gould in his junior year and quickly found a community to call his own. She was less thrilled when she actually met Han but there was no accounting for taste.
Luke took full credit for setting them up, even though she and Han had known each other for a year before anything happened. They hadn’t spent much time together, only passing moments when Leia was home for a few days, but enough to know they found each other irritating and obnoxious. But she needed a place to work since Shary decided to renovate the house that summer after high school and Han needed someone to sit with his dog.
Luke pitched it like it was the perfect solution to all their problems. She could work in Han’s apartment and make sure Zira didn’t go at her stitches—the outcome of a fight that totally wasn’t her fault!—so it would help both of them out. She knew he was trying to help her. It had been months since the Organas’ death but she was still consumed by pain and grief. Anger. Her solution was to focus on her internship, all a part of a life plan she set years earlier and only became more important when it embodied Bail and Breha’s legacy, too, but she was a mess. Luke finding her a place to work in peace, gave her one less thing to worry about.
It took less than a week before she and Han were sleeping together. Fell into each other quickly and barely looked up again until she packed up to leave for school. It was all-consuming, intense and at times infuriating, but also easy and natural. She had spent the last seven years rationalizing it. Calling it youthful naivete; her bad boy, scoundrel phase. A distraction from her grief and confusion about losing Bail and Breha. Something to get out of her system before embarking on her path, the only future she saw for herself. It was also seven years of anger and resentment at his arrogance, his dismissal of everything she considered important. And seven years of waking up each morning and remembering the warmth and comfort of Han lying in bed beside her.
The truck pulled into the garage and it took a moment for Leia’s eyes to adjust to the light. Luke followed her dictum, maybe more of a decree, of no Han news but she had picked up a few things over the years. Knew he and Chewie bought the business. That he was making good on his plan to specialize in classic cars. The space was cleaner, more organized. The walls looked freshly painted. She saw his old truck in one of the bays, rust-free and protected from the elements. A car, probably from the sixties, stood beside it. A tool chest and tools still at the ready like he was deep into work when he got Luke’s call.
“Does Anakin bring his cars here?”
“I don’t need his business.” Han gave her a look that said I shouldn’t have to tell you this shit then walked through a door at the back of the garage.
Leia followed. She knew her way from here.
The first thing she saw when she got upstairs was Zira. Bigger than Leia remembered with a few flecks of grey in brown under her chin. The dog approached slowly, head low and emitting a suspicious growl. Leia leaned forward with her hand out.
“Do you remember me, Pup-pup?” She didn’t mean to use the dog’s nickname but it came so naturally.
Zira rushed her, tail wagging and butt wiggling. Leia laughed as the dog, who weighed more than half Leia’s weight, leaned against her. She kicked her shoes off so she could maintain balance.
She had forgotten the joy of being greeted by a dog. The pure excitement of I can’t believe you came back! Her life was too busy for a pet. After years of school then articling and endless hours at work, she barely had time to eat let alone care for another living creature. She couldn’t even keep house plants alive.
Leia stood up when Zira ran off and realized she was a mess. Her hair and face still wet. Her stockings soaked, skirt damp and freezing against her legs. She hung her coat beside the door and felt a shiver despite the warm apartment air.
“You can take a shower.” Han filled the kettle and flipped the switch. “I’ll find you something to wear while your clothes dry.”
He still wasn’t looking at her so she didn’t bother responding. Sent Luke a quick text—Stuck at his place until it clears. Prayer for me—then slipped into the bathroom without another word.
Leia did a quick survey of the small room. Still the bare minimum of essentials. Shaving gear. Soap. Over the counter pain killers. A comb, likely unused. No items that indicated any woman spent much time there. The only thing out of place was a small pink plastic duck sitting on the back of the toilet.
She peeled off her wet, heavy clothes and stepped under the shower. The heat was a relief, the sound of water echoing in the small stall strangely soothing. She tried not to think about when they shared it. How it never felt too small even with his large frame towering over her. He never made her feel small in comparison. Lifted her up against the wall or knelt before her. Leia pulled her hair out of its bun and let it fall around her shoulders. Closed her eyes and let herself stand still for a moment.
He was her first so that explained some of why she couldn’t let it go entirely. In some cases, maybe her only. She’d never been able to relax so completely with anyone else and she’d also never been so thoroughly destroyed by the end of a relationship.
They had diametrically opposed views on almost everything. He thought university was a way for rich kids to escape getting a real job. He didn’t finish high school, barely got through tenth grade, and no one who cared if he passed or failed. If he could read let alone read a book. Anything he did, he did on his own and he was better for it. Didn’t vote because it made no difference who was in power. Thought her ambition to carry on the Organas’ work with the voters’ rights foundation was proof she lived in an elitist bubble. She called him selfish, self-centered and self-serving. Immature, arrogant and misguided. They sometimes fought so loudly, with such ferocity, that Luke and Chewie abandoned them to it. And when they weren’t arguing, or bickering, they were having sex. Han called it the fight and fuck and she tried to act like she was offended and not turned on.
There was a small pile of clothes on the sink when she got out. Sweat pants she had to fold at the waist and cuffs. Bulky socks. A long sleeve shirt that dangled well past her hands and an old brown sweater she remembered from their summer together. It was still soft and warm and felt so familiar when she put it on.
Han and Zira were gone when she left the bathroom but a mug of tea was waiting on the half-wall between kitchen and living room. She felt her cheeks redden and was glad she was alone in that moment. She had insisted on calling it the breakfast bar and he insisted that meant she should sit on it so he could eat her. He always went for the rudest thing to say because he knew she loved it. Knew it would get the most satisfying response.
The apartment was warmly lit by a few table lamps and a dimmed overhead light in the kitchen. He had acquired a few more pieces of furniture. A couch and arm chair. Double bed frame and mattress. A much bigger TV than expected, especially since the old one was a monitor he insisted was better because he could up hook up a VCR because, of course, he only had a VCR. There was a single bookshelf against a wall with manuals for classic cars and a few well-worn paperbacks. Some science fiction books she had never heard of, Moby Dick, old detective fiction.
It was the windows that always got her, though. The apartment was an add-on to the building and sat on top of the flat roof. Windows on all four walls meant light was available at any point during the day. A skylight ensured the sky was always there when you needed it. It was dark and snowy now but still impressive.
This small apartment held so many of her secrets. She told him everything. Let everything pour out while they laid on his mattress. Talked about her mother getting sick when she and Luke were eight. How they barely had time to adjust to the news and she was gone. Anakin couldn’t cope. He could barely look at them, especially Leia who so resembled her mother, and they were shipped off to different boarding schools. When they came home that first Christmas, Shary was living there and the house no longer felt like home.
Han listened in ways she didn’t expect. Held her as she recounted Anakin phoning the previous winter to say Bail and Breha were gone, a car accident in a snow storm, and couldn’t stop the tears no matter how hard she tried. He didn’t offer condolences or platitudes about grief fading and things getting better. He rubbed her back, kissed the top of her head, gave her space to cry without interruption.
His story fell out more slowly. Usually when she was wrapped around him, both of them naked and vulnerable. He escaped his abusive father through crime, ending up in juvenile detention then prison where he met Chewie. He figured they’d never see each other again once Chewie got out but he was waiting on the other side of the gates when Han was released. Already lined up work at the garage and arranged for Han to live in the apartment upstairs. Said it was the first time someone thought he could aim for anything higher than scams and burglaries.
Han had plans, too. There was lots of money to be made in cars and he could fix anything. Just needed enough cash to get him some place to make it happen. Already had his car picked out. A white Ford Falcon. Leia pointed out that car was even older than his truck and maybe he should focus on a vehicle more likely to run but he said she didn’t get it.
“Having a car like that means you can go places, Sweetheart.” He ran a finger up and down her spine. “It’s a game changer.”
Zira bounded in, once again ecstatic to see her, with Han sauntering in behind. Leia sat on the couch and Zira jumped up beside her, paws on her thighs and licking her face.
“Zira, down.” Han growled and the dog sat then laid down. Her head landing in Leia’s lap. “You’re the worst damn guard dog.”
He hung his coat next to Leia’s then pulled a bottle and glass out of a cupboard and poured himself a drink. She let herself watch him, linger over his features. He was older, obviously. His hair slightly darker. Face thinner but still full lips. A shadow of a beard already growing and she thought about the rough texture under her hand, against her cheek. Han swallowed his drink in a single gulp then poured another.
“Are you going to speak to me at all?” She stroked Zira’s head as she spoke. “Or are we going to sit in silence until Luke gets here?”
He leaned on the half-wall, stared at her for a moment then reached for another glass as he muttered. “Didn’t think this one through.”
Han put the second glass filled with brown liquor on the table beside her. He sat at the desk, the furthest he could get from her without leaving the room.
“Stop sulking.” She looked down at Zira. The dog’s ears were as soft as she remembered. It surprised Leia how often she thought about Zira over the years. Considered asking Luke but didn’t want to learn any additional information. Didn’t want Luke to know how often Han and Zira popped into her mind. “This isn’t my ideal situation either. So go back to doing whatever you were doing. I don’t need you to entertain me.”
“Why’s everything got to be a fight with you?”
“Me? You were hostile to me all night and then barely said a word since picking me up.” Leia shifted in her seat so Zira got up, looking a bit miffed as she curled up on the other end of the couch. “I’m grateful for your help but at this point it would be warmer if I was still stuck in the car.”
“And that’s my fault?”
“It’s certainly not mine.”
“Oh, right. I forgot.” His eyes grew dark. “You’re all about communicating and warmth.”
She took a quick intake a breath, stopping herself from screaming in frustration. This was ridiculous. She had allowed herself to feel sentimental being back in this apartment. Let herself think too much about the good parts and not the fact that he was an arrogant asshole.
“Don’t pull punches, Hotshot. Say what you really mean.”
“You haven’t said a word to me in seven years.” He pointed at her. “Seven and a half. You don’t get to walk back in here now and act like you’ve been mistreated. You’re the one who left.”
“Of course I left! That was always the plan and you know it. And what exactly do you think your favorite topic of conversation was? Other than bragging about your sexual prowess.”
“Ain’t bragging if it’s true.”
“You talked endlessly about leaving. Finding your fortune. Being a big shot.” She threw her hands in the air in frustration as she spoke in a mocking tone. “Nothing can hold me down. I’m a free man. I’m like the wind, Leia.”
He quickly shook his head. Confused and offended. “Never said anything about the wind. What the hell?”
“Well, it’s what you meant.” She waved her hand dismissively. “You might as well have.”
He looked like he might laugh but instead took another drink. He crossed one leg over the other, ankle resting on knee, and played at looking casual.
“Yeah, well, I’m still here.” He held the glass on his knee. Spun it slowly with his fingers. “You never came back. Never responded to any message. Nothing.”
“That is not entirely on me!” She somehow restrained herself from jumping up. “You said plenty of hurtful things when I was leaving.”
“You were leaving! What else was I supposed to do?”
“Plenty! You had a lot of options other than saying I was going to miss my big chance. You could’ve shown me how to be a woman. Finally warmed me up.”
“Yeah.” He actually looked a bit sheepish. “Might’ve been out of line on that one.”
“So, you’re right, I wasn’t anxious to see you tonight.” Or she was anxious. Anxiety-filled. Curious and slightly afraid about what she might see. How she might react. Leia crossed her legs, tucking her feet under her and pulled the glass into her lap. “Besides, Luke told me you were with someone else already and I didn’t want to deal with that either.”
And once she missed one holiday, the rest were easy. At least that’s what she told herself.
“I was with someone else because I never heard from you!” He sat up straighter. Pointed his finger again. “I waited. Phoned you. Even sent a fucking letter. And nothing.”
“For me? Why would you wait?” What in the hell was he talking about? None of this made sense. “All summer, you acted like you might be gone at any moment. Like I could wake up one morning and your bags would be packed. Like I’d be lucky if I got a goodbye.”
“You had your life all set out. Internships and school. Bail and Breha’s trust waiting for you.”
“It was for Luke, too.” She gripped the glass. Wondered how much pressure it would take to break it. “It enabled me to devote my time to work. It was important that I honor their legacy, my mother’s too, and help others. Do something more than live for my own gain as so many others do.”
She wasn’t going to name names but felt confident he would get the idea.
“Point is, you weren’t sticking around here either.” He stared her down. “You said it yourself. I was good way to pass the time before getting back to your real life.”
“Then why were you waiting?” She would not cry. She refused to cry. “If you planned on getting out as soon as possible, if you thought I had already moved on to better things, why were you waiting for me to come back? Why did you write me the letter?”
The letter she never read. Didn’t even open. She kept it under her pillow in her dorm room for several days. Her hand resting on it while crying quietly in the dark. In the end, she burned it. Didn’t want to revisit any of the pain that was already too much for her. Didn’t want to feel anything like it—like any of it—again.
He looked at Zira for a few beats then downed the rest of his drink.
“Cos I’m a fucking idiot, I guess.” He sounded more resigned than angry. Continued to spin the empty glass on his knee. “And I wasn’t with anyone. Just wasn’t alone all the time.”
“Well, you’re not now.”
He furrowed his brow. Waited for her to work up the courage to say the words.
“Alone.” She took a drink, needing that extra pause. “Luke let it slip. Mentioned you were teaching your girlfriend’s daughter how to swim. Called her Mandy’s daughter. Said you were good with her. Natural. The daughter, I mean. I thought I’d meet her tonight. Mandy. Thought she would come for the dinner. Now I’ll be doing a lot of guess work at the reception. Trying to guess if you have a type and what that type might be. My only clue is a pink duck and I don’t think that will get me far.”
She was rambling. Tripping over her words, not knowing where to land. There was no way to convince someone you didn’t think about them if you offered up examples of all the ways they didn’t cross your mind.
“I’m sorry. I think I might be exhausted.” She ran her hands through her still wet hair. Tucked strands behind her ears.
He watched her, taking in her sudden nervousness. Rubbed a hand over his chin.
“We broke up.”
She blinked a few times.
“Couple months back.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I don’t know.” She felt the corners of her mouth go up slightly. “Seemed like the polite thing to say.”
He laughed and her heart did that thing she hoped it wouldn’t do.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.” He stood up abruptly and walked back to the kitchen. Picked up the bottle and came back. “Nothing happened to end it because there wasn’t enough to keep it going.”
He refilled her glass. Standing close but not crowding her.
“Was it mutual?” She kept her eyes on the liquor filling her glass.
“No.”
He turned away. Poured himself another drink then sat down in the armchair, placing the bottle on the floor beside him.
Leia held her glass under the lamp, turning it, admiring the golden brown glow. She didn’t want to examine too closely this feeling of relief. Didn’t want to consider how deeply she dreaded meeting his girlfriend. Seeing the evidence of his life without her.
Han reached to the side and pulled over a footstool. Opened a draw in the table and took out a deck of cards.
“What do you want to play?” He started shuffling the deck. “Wanna try your hand at black jack?”
Leia narrowed her eyes at him then checked the drawer. Found the small travel cribbage set she knew would be tucked away.
“Huh.” He watched as she set up the board. “Still into the old lady games.”
“I am an old lady.”
“You’re twenty-five.”
“It’s all in the attitude.”
He laughed as he dealt the cards.
Leia hadn’t played in years and took a few hands to get her groove back. Then it was their old routine, somehow making the game fast paced and filling up empty space with taunts and laughter. The drinks continued, he made more tea, found an odd assortment of crackers, olives and grapes to snack on. He won the best out of three and she used the excuse of being out of practice.
He had a few wrinkles around his eyes when he laughed. Probably spent too much time in the sun. Walking Zira. Working on Luke’s house. At the beach. She suddenly hated that she didn’t know how he filled his days. Hated that she let so many years pass without hearing stories about him and Chewie dealing with unruly customers or avoiding bar fights. She had lost her chance years ago to repair what might have been a romance but she realized now how much she missed Han as a friend.
“Can I ask you something?”
He looked up from putting away the tiny cribbage pegs into the case. “You’ve been asking questions all night.”
She pulled her legs up beneath her again. “And don’t laugh.”
He looked more curious than concerned but didn’t object.
“How do you know Daniel?” She rolled her eyes when he raised an eyebrow. “Luke and I have an understanding that some subjects are off the table.”
“Me.” The eyebrow was still raised. “I’m off the table.”
“Also most items about Anakin and Shary.” She shrugged. “I know what it sounds like and I’m fine with it.”
She liked to maintain control. That wasn’t a surprise for anyone. There was so much expected of her, it had been that like that for most of her life, and controlling her surroundings, her environment, was best.
“I know you introduced them but not how you and Daniel know each other.”
He dropped the board and card back in the drawer. Stared at her for a few beats as he considered his options.
“I do this thing.”
“I’m going to regret asking this question, aren’t I?”
He rolled his head back, looked at the ceiling. “I volunteer.”
She cocked her head at him. Did he honestly think that was enough information for her to go on?
“At the prison.” He gave her a hard stare, almost defensive. He was waiting for the drop. “I do this book club. For inmates. Got paired up with Daniel a couple years ago to lead a group. Figured he and Luke would get along.”
It was her turn to stare. Confused. Maybe amazed.
“Well, you were right. They’re good for each other. It’s nice to see Luke happy.” She didn’t know why she worried so much about Luke’s happiness. He struggled when he was young but since making the decision to return to Gould, choosing his own fate and direction, he was good. Stayed connected. Taught at the high school. Built a new life with someone he loved. “And Anakin hates Daniel so even better.”
“Is there anyone Anakin doesn’t hate?” He leaned forward with elbows on knees.
“Luke.” Her brother was the only one Anakin showed much interest in. Breha thought it was because he didn’t look like their mother but he had her kindness. “I think.”
“Everybody likes Luke.”
“It’s his superpower.” Leia sipped her drink and put it back on the table.
“My turn.” He waited for her to look at him. “I get to ask some questions.”
She regretted putting her drink down. Not taking another sip. She pulled the sleeves of the sweater over her hands and rested them in her lap again.
“Why did you stay away? I get that first bit. But why’d it take seven and half years to show your face around here?”
“Luke getting married.” She wanted to turn away from him but couldn’t. “That’s why I came back.”
“Asked why you stayed away.”
Did she know why she stayed away? Did it still make sense to her?
“Seven and a half years? You’re being very precise.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
“I’m not sure I have an answer.”
“Try.” His voice was firm but gentle. “Why did you stay away?”
“It was messy. I didn’t want complicated.” She unfolded her legs. “I only had time for work. Coming back here was a distraction I didn’t need.” She let out a slow breath. “I don’t understand why you stayed.”
“Snuck up on me.” He took a drink and put his glass on the floor beside the bottle. Returned elbows to knees. “Told myself I was getting out as soon as I saved enough. Then Chewie met Malla and he didn’t want to leave. Jerry decided to retire and we had enough to get in with the bank.”
It made sense. He let a life grow around him by taking root.
“But I think the truth, the kicker, was waiting for you.”
She shook her head. She wasn’t telling him he was wrong so much as shaking off the idea all together. It was madness.
“I broke up with Mandy because I couldn’t be the person she wanted. I tried. She was nice. I liked her kid. But I knew. She wasn’t who I wanted. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be when I was with her.”
“You can’t know any of this about me. We fought constantly, drove each other crazy. How can that be something you’ve waited for?”
“Wasn’t all fighting. You’re only remembering the shitty bits because it’s easier for you.”
She stood up, almost jumping off the couch. She vaguely noticed Zira lift her head to watch.
“This is insane. You know it’s insane.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “We bickered all through dinner. Argued half of the time here.”
“You weren’t off the table for me.” He leaned back in the chair and ran a hand over his chin. “Asked Luke plenty of questions.”
“That sounds stalkerish.”
“I know about Falcon.” He watched her carefully, clearly noticing as her eyes went wide. “I know you started an alternative school for kid’s in the system and I know you named it after me. Or my car, anyway.”
“It’s not your car.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t.” Her head was spinning. She didn’t know what to hold on to. “What are you suggesting?”
“You thought about me as much as I thought about you.”
A phone started buzzing and she watched him reach into his front pocket. He held it up to show her Luke’s name.
“Yeah.” He kept his eyes on her while talking. “Both still alive. No one walked out into the elements.”
Leia looked out the window and realized the snow had stopped and the panes weren’t rattling in the wind. She had no idea when it had cleared up. She took the phone as Han handed it to her.
“Hi.” She stayed standing. Her heart was beating too quickly to sit down.
“Everything okay?” Luke sounded like his chipper self.
“Like Han said, no casualties so far.”
“Reports say they’re clearing the highway. We could come get you in an hour or two.”
“You have a big day tomorrow.” She let Han take her hand. Watched as his thumb moved across her knuckles. “You should rest.”
“Where’s your car? Do you have it at the garage?”
Han looked up at her. Those hazel eyes looking so bright. “Stay.”
“It’s in the ditch. Or side of the road.” She took a step closer to Han. “I’ll have to deal with it in the morning. Or next day, I suppose.”
Han laced his fingers with hers and pulled her gently to stand between his knees. Put his other hand on her hip.
“Stay.” He spoke in a whisper. Or maybe he was only mouthing the words. But she heard. She understood. “Just talk.”
Leia could hear Daniel asking questions in the background and knew Luke was waving him off to be quiet.
“Are you sure everything’s okay, Lei?” Luke asked. “You’re being awfully quiet. Makes me nervous.”
“We’re adults, Luke.” She smiled at Han. “You worry too much.”
“Noted.” Luke laughed. “I love you, sis. See you tomorrow.”
Leia handed Han his phone back, biting her bottom lip to keep her smile in check.
“Okay, we can talk.” She brushed hair back from his forehead. Ran the back of her hand along his cheek. “And I need to sleep. But we’ll start with talking.”
That damn grin. It was his secret weapon. Saved it for special moments then knocked her flat with it.
“I’m leaving the day after tomorrow.” She leaned down to kiss him. His hand went up to her cheek. “All the arrangements are set.”
The next kiss was soft, gentle. New.
“I know.” He kissed her nose and pulled her closer into his lap.
“I can’t make any promises.” Her knees slid down on either side of his hips. Both hands held his face as she kissed him again.
“We still got another sixty hours or so.” His hands went up her back as he pulled her closer still. “Let’s see where it takes us.”