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After the dust and frogs of the day settle, TK finally takes a moment to sit down and let everything sink in.
Carlos is married.
The love of his life is married. To a woman .
The words feel heavy as he thinks them, settling deep into his bones.
He's not sure what he's supposed to feel at that news.
When Carlos told him earlier in the day that he is married to a woman, it had been a shock. TK hadn't been able to process the intensity of his emotions at that moment because after learning about Iris, he was concerned for her, and then Carlos told him they could get married in 8 weeks and the happiness he had felt overpowered everything else.
His first reaction was to be hurt, confused, and angry - and he still feels those things.
He leaves work after his shower, waves bye to his friends, and gets into his car. But he doesn’t go home. He doesn’t go to the loft that he shares with Carlos, knowing that Carlos is home and waiting for him to talk more.
TK will go home, but he needs some space and time to let his thoughts settle, search his heart, and figure out exactly how he’s feeling so he can have the conversation with Carlos that they both deserve.
He drives down a few streets, taking a few turns until he ends up in the clearing where he and Carlos became an official couple three years prior. He pulls his car into approximately the same spot, parks it, and gets out before climbing onto the hood. TK doesn’t lie down, instead he pulls his legs up to his chest, wraps his arms around them, and lays his cheek on his knee.
He lets out a heavy sigh, one he’s sure he’s been holding in all day.
TK closes his eyes and thinks back on his relationship with Carlos. When he had met him, he had never wanted to go down the path of opening himself up and loving someone again. Alex cheating on him had still been so raw - even after the six months that had passed between his overdosing and meeting Carlos.
It turns out that Carlos is and had been everything that TK wanted. He was everything that TK thought Alex had been.
He thinks about the night they first met, the rain coming down, and a baby in a tree. He was struck by how handsome Carlos was, but, not knowing at the time that Carlos was gay didn’t think any more of it. TK didn’t make a habit of lusting after straight men that wouldn’t be an option and, again, he wasn’t looking at that time.
Then the night at the honky tonk, when Carlos asked him to dance and them finding themselves in the bathroom 15 minutes later and going at each other like there was no tomorrow… TK hadn’t wanted anything then but a part of him knew that Carlos was going to be more than a hookup.
TK had tried so hard not to let himself fall for Carlos, to hold onto the anger he had been feeling at the world but Carlos had chipped away at it. He had taken his time and showed TK that he cared and wanted to love all of the bits of TK.
It’s the most effort any boyfriend had ever made.
Even though the breakup, Carlos was there and had shown TK that he loved him.
TK doesn’t doubt that, doesn’t doubt that Carlos loves him with every bone in his body.
Still, it didn’t make Carlos’ secret easier to take.
If Carlos loves TK as much as TK thinks he does, why keep such a big secret hidden for so long?
He could understand to a point, Carlos not bringing it up early on in their relationship. He remembers when they ran into Carlos’ parents at the farmers market, how he introduced TK as his friend from work - and wonders if his parents knew then - and how later, when they fought, Carlos had said that “not everyone had parents waiting to rip open the closet doors”. He thinks about their later conversation, Carlos asking about “if things never changed” and it makes sense.
It doesn’t make sense why when they started to get serious that Carlos still didn’t tell him. It doesn’t make sense that after all those conversations that they had after TK came out of his coma after the breakup and getting back together, Carlos never said a word, he never indicated that he had some huge secret that weighed on his shoulders.
TK sniffles, and realizes that tears are streaming down his face.
He allows himself to feel the hurt of not being told something vitally important and laughs without humor about how that seems to be a trend in his life.
Without much thought, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and calls Cooper, it seems like what he needs at the moment before going home to Carlos.
Cooper answers on the third ring.
“Hey TK, everything alright?” Cooper’s voice floats over the phone line, concerned in each word because it’s been a few months since TK’s called him randomly at night.
TK closes his eyes, “Yes? No? I don’t know. Today’s been a lot.”
“Okay, it’s okay to not know how we’re feeling. Why don’t you stay by telling me what’s bothering you?”
“Carlos is married.”
There’s a pause on the other end, “...to you?”
TK laughs, the sound still avoid of humor. “No, not yet. He got married to his best friend, Iris, after high school.”
“Okay, and you said he is married, as in currently still, legally married to another person and engaged with you?”
“Yeah,” TK picks at a string on his hoodie. “I would say that sums it up.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“It hurts, Coop, but… I don’t know. I’m confused,” TK sighs, more tears stinging in his eyes. “Why do the important people in my life keep important things from me?”
His voice is small, barely a whisper into the phone and it makes him feel small. He feels insignificant, somehow, like all of the people in his life have these secret lives that he’s not allowed to be a part of.
“My dad kept his cancer from me until I found the pill bottles and confronted him. My mom kept secrets from me until the last moment. And now… now Carlos is on that list. I… I know I don’t have the best reactions to things at times but I think I’ve come a long way. I think I should have known this huge secret that the man I love, who I believe is my soulmate, kept from me.”
“It’s unfair, I agree, that people in your life keep things from you,” Cooper says. “Has he told you why he never brought it up?”
“No, not fully. He came by the station earlier in between all of the disasters that we had today to talk to me,” TK says. “I’m just not processing what he said. And I get it, I get why he married her and why he stayed married to her - but I don’t understand not telling me until 8 weeks before our wedding. He has to get divorced so we can get married, what if it takes a long time? What if we have to push the wedding back? What if-”
“TK,” Cooper’s voice breaks through his spiral. “Take a deep breath. You’re thinking about things that, while valid, are making you spiral because you’re not talking to the right person. I can’t answer these questions for you. Carlos can. You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling and it makes complete sense for you to be upset - and you should talk to Carlos about that. Are you physically okay?”
TK knows what Cooper’s asking and he nods, before remembering they’re on the phone.
“Yes, I am. I’m safe. I’m just upset.”
“I’m glad you’re safe. Now, go home and talk to Carlos. Tell him how you’re feeling and don’t hold back. He might have valid reasons for not telling you, but at the same time, you also have valid reasons for being upset and hurt. Communicate with him, you’ve been doing so well lately.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you later Coop.”
“I’ll talk to you too.”
TK hangs up his phone and slides off of the hood of his car. He has a text message notification from Carlos’ asking when he’s coming home and he lets it sit, unread, as he slides back into his car and starts it up. He knows he’s being a little petty by not responding to it, but he’ll be home shortly so Carlos won’t have to worry so much about where he’s at and whether or not he’s safe.
The drive takes no more than thirty minutes, and when TK pulls into his parking spot, he feels more clear-headed and ready to talk with Carlos. He’s not going to let the night end until it’s all laid out, with them both vulnerable and raw in their feelings.
He makes his way up, wishing the elevator went a little faster, and then slides the door open to their loft. Tk steps in, looking around at their darkened home, and spots Carlos sitting on the table in their dining room. The kitchen light is the only one that’s on, shining like a spotlight on Carlos.
TK takes a moment to look at him. Carlos is hunched over the kitchen table, hands wrapped around a, probably, a cold mug of tea - he wouldn’t drink coffee this late - and looking smaller than TK has ever seen him. His face is drawn, his eyes tired, and he’s thinking hard about something - probably the situation that they’ve found themselves in. TK wonders if Carlos is thinking that this is the end, that this will truly be what breaks them.
“Hey baby,” TK says, voice breaking through the silence. He watches Carlos jerk out of his thoughts as he slides his feet out of his shoes before making his way over.
“TK,” Carlos rasps, looking up at him with mild surprise.
TK walks around so that he’s on the same side as Carlos, puts two fingers under his chin, and lifts his head to press a short, but loving kiss on his lips. After he pulls away he grabs Carlos’ mug from his hands and reheats it in the microwave. He hands it back to him and gets himself a mineral water before he sits down across from Carlos.
“We’re going to sit here and talk,” TK starts.
Carlos nods, “We can do that. I… I’m so sorry-”
Tk holds up a hand, “Don’t, we’re not doing that. I want to understand why, no I need to understand why. I thought we were past this, hiding big and important things from each other. I thought we had worked past every big issue that had or would stand in our way. I need you to explain to me why you kept this from me for three years and lied.”
Carlos opens his mouth and shuts it again. TK sits patiently and allows Carlos to have the space he needs to talk. He won’t rush him, because it is a lot, but he won’t let Carlos not confront the issue.
“You know the story of how I came out and how my parents didn’t talk about it after that night,” Carlos begins sometime later. “That hurt, deeply, and at 17 I didn’t know what to do with that pain. Here was this big thing I was telling my parents, and even though they said they loved me and it didn’t change what they thought of me it felt like it did. TK, you and I come from very different backgrounds. Being gay and a Latino in Texas just, it’s not something accepted. Most of my family didn’t accept me and I heard more than once from family and members of my community that I wasn’t enough and would never be enough if I wasn’t with a woman.”
TK’s heart aches for Carlos, but he doesn’t say anything and lets his fiancé continue to talk.
“Iris was my best friend and I loved her as much as I could as a best friend. I told her everything and she was the one that was there for me when I was figuring out who I was. She was there when my parents didn’t have the reaction that I wanted them to. She was there for every homophobic slur thrown my way, for every time I broke down crying. And I… she was going away to college, everything was spiraling out of control and I just… I wanted something to control. I wanted to… I wasn’t always a control freak, you know? I used to not need to control everything around me but coming out and feeling like I wasn’t enough, that I never would be enough, that my family would never love me for me… It's just…”
Carlos trails off, sniffling a little.
“I asked her to marry me because I could control that. I thought that maybe if I loved her enough as my best friend, I could love her as a wife and make my parents proud. I thought that since gay marriage wasn’t in the question, didn’t think it would ever be legal, at least I’ve got the illusion of a happy ever after,” Carlos takes a drink of his tea. “Iris wasn’t accepted for who she was, either, so after talking about it we figured it would make the most sense.”
TK nods, allowing the information to sink in. It all makes sense about why Carlos had done it, but not why he had kept it from TK. He’s grateful that Carlos decided to start with the whole story, though, it saves him from having to ask additional questions about it.
“We tried to make it work. I wanted to be a husband that Iris could be proud of. In the time that we were together, we only kissed a handful of times and never got close to having sex. I was gay and she respected that, though, I think I would have tried it if that’s what she wanted,” Carlos admitted. “After a year, we stopped trying to be something the other wanted. She was in college, I was at the police academy so we just decided to stay married until after we were both done with school. We both came to the decision that we would see other people, and if anyone said anything we would explain that we would explain it. Before we could get a divorce she went missing.”
Tk reaches out and grabs onto Carlos’ hand, squeezing it gently.
“I was a suspect, you know? Before Michelle focused all her attention on Dustin. It was easy to clear my name, I hadn’t done anything and hadn’t seen Iris for months before she went missing - probably another reason why we didn’t get divorced right away. By then it felt like we were divorced anyway. But she went missing, she was presumed dead, and it didn’t seem to matter as much. When I met you I was under the impression that I was a widow,” Carlos says, eyes shining with tears. “I had just, really, come to terms with my best friend being dead and at first it didn’t seem like it was important to bring up. And then she was found on the same night we made things official.”
“You could have told me then, that had to be a lot for you to handle and have to deal with,” TK interjects, not able to stop himself from talking out. It wasn’t until Carlos said when she was found that he made the connection. Carlos must have found out after their talk on the car or the next day.
Carlos laughs watery, “TK I couldn’t. I physically could not bring myself to say those words and I wanted to. But there I was with the guy I had grown to love far too fast in such little time we had known each other, finally convincing him to take a chance on me. And then my wife comes back into the picture? You would have thought me a liar of my sexuality and would have run and we would have never happened.”
TK pauses, thinking about it. He thinks back to how his mindset was then, how skittish he had been, and how he had run, frustrated and upset, when - a few months later - Carlos had introduced him to his parents as a “friend from work.”
“You’re right, I would have then . But, Carlos, that doesn’t explain why you continued to keep it a secret from me,” TK says, keeping his voice even. “We had several conversations when I woke up after our breakup. We talked about everything I thought, everything. I thought that we had laid it all out and had finally come to a place where we didn’t have secrets. Hell, even after you freaked about Cooper and we had a conversation and you told me you wanted all of my pieces, and… you weren’t giving me all of yours. You were keeping a big part from me.”
Carlos tears up, a few slipping down his checks and he takes an unsteady breath.
“I know, TK, I know that. There were so many times I could have and should have told you. I could never find the words. Every time I came close, the anxiety of telling you was almost crippling. All I could think about was that you were going to leave when you found out,” Carlos lets out a sob, pulling his hand away from TK’s to wipe at the tears. “I, we, fought so hard to be with each other, I didn’t want there to be another reason against me for you to want to be with me. I love you so fucking much, TK, you’ve been the one for me since we met. Being with you just reaffirmed everything in who I was, and when we got together, for a moment, I felt like I was enough. And sometimes I still feel that way, but I know I’m not. I know I’m not enough and that you deserve better than this- I wanted to hold onto that for as long as I could. It doesn’t make it right. I should have told you so much sooner, but that’s… that’s the truth. That’s it. I was scared. I was selfish. I didn’t want to lose you. A crazy part of me thought that if I didn’t think about it the problem would go away.”
“ Carlos ,” TK says gently. “First, you are enough and you always have been.”
TK reaches across the table, grabbing his hand again and holding it tightly in his own. His heart aches for all that Carlos has carried and has kept locked inside. TK thought that he had problems with communication and letting people in, but Carlos was so much worse than him - and TK hadn’t had any idea of that.
“I love you, and this doesn’t change that. I’m upset, that’s true, and I think that if you had been upfront sooner I would have been understanding. Especially after you told me earlier that you stayed married to her so that she would have insurance.” TK says, admittedly. He knows who he is as a person and he knows, without a doubt, he would understand. “I’m not heartless, Carlos. I know that the American Healthcare system sucks, especially for people who have any kind of mental illness. And it hurts knowing that you thought that this would have made me leave.”
TK lets go of his hand and stands up.
“I’m not mad at you for getting married or getting married to a woman. Sexuality is complicated and you live in Texas, I understand it. I do, even if you think I don’t because I lived in New York and had parents who were accepting - I’m still a gay man, I know how people look at us.” TK says. “I know what people say about us. I’m not immune to it. The fact is you kept this from me and lied by omission and were going to keep this from me longer if the wedding date hadn’t changed and I need you to understand that is what I am upset about.”
“I know that TK. If I could go back and change it I would. I would do it differently and I would have told you sooner. .I-”
“How long, Carlos?” TK interrupts. “How long were you going to wait to tell me? If our dream venue hadn’t called you today and told you that we could get married in 8 weeks, how long would you have continued to lie to me and keep this from me?”
TK looked at him, not breaking eye contact. He wanted to know, he had to know how much longer Carlos had planned to keep him in the dark.
“Until I talked to Iris,” Carlos says in a small voice. “I haven’t seen her since… since they found her. I’ve texted her a few times and talked to Michelle but I’ve not gone to see her.”
TK sighs, “Do you see a problem in that?”
“I do. I know it’s wrong. I’m sorry, TK,” Carlos says, looking up at him. “I wanted so badly to make sure our wedding would be perfect, that there wouldn’t be problems, I wanted to control-”
“You can’t control everything like you can’t control my reaction to this news,” TK walks around the table so they’re once again on the same side. “We’re meant to be a team, Carlos. I love you, but I’m very disappointed.”
Carlos lets out a noise and just breaks down right in front of TK’s eyes. TK has never seen Carlos cry like this, has never seen him completely break the “cool as a breeze” look he’s always had. He doesn’t hesitate to drop down beside him and pull him into his arms, holding him close and letting him sob into his shoulder.
Even though TK is upset, he knows that Carlos is more upset and that this is needed. Carlos needs to lose it, needs to break down the walls that he’s built around himself, and fully let TK in.
“I’m sorry, TK. I’m so sorry,” Carlos says between his sobs, clutching TK’s shirt tightly. He repeats the words over and over again, crying so hard that the sobs shake his body and through it all TK holds him.
TK isn’t sure how much time passes as Carlos cries and holds him tightly, but his shoulder is aching and his ass is sore from sitting in the same spot for an extended period of time.
Carlos pulls away and rubs his eyes, and TK notes that he’s not trying to hide the way he looks from him.
“I hope you believe me when I said I’m sorry because I am,” Carlos says, voice a bit rough from the crying. TK watches him hesitate for a moment. “What does this mean for us? Are you going to call the wedding off? Is this… is this the end?”
TK’s heart breaks again and cups Carlos’ face.
“Baby, did you miss how excited I was earlier about us getting married sooner? I would marry you tomorrow if I could,” TK says fiercely. “I love you, Carlos. This doesn’t change things between us. I’ll be upset for a while, and it will be hard to fully trust you for a little bit but I still love you. I still want to be with you and call you my husband?”
“Really?
And the way Carlos says it breaks TK’s heart once more.
“Yes, really,” he leans forward and kisses him. “We’re human, we make mistakes, and even though you lied to me about this I can understand it more now that you’ve explained it to me.”
“I’ll make it up to you.”
“You don’t have to,” TK pulls Carlos up. “Let's go shower and then get to bed.”
Carlos nods and TK leads them through the loft.
TK knows that this isn’t the worst thing to almost break them, and probably won’t be the last, and he’ll fight through it all.
He loves Carlos too much to let him go.