Work Text:
roy didn't have anyone anymore, except for the birds.
instead of dawdling after school with his friends, he came straight home to do his homework; he left his curtains open so that whenever he needed a break, he could peek out the window to watch the birds flying about in the chilly autumn. sometimes he'd spot his mom in the window's reflection, peering around the doorway at him, and oddly enough it even looked like she was concerned.
he'd had enough of people pointing that expression his way - streber during tutoring, robert and ross in the hallways, kevin at the candy store. and for what? there was nothing wrong with him, nothing. sure, he wasn't sleeping well. sure, he was wetting the bed even more frequently. and okay! maybe he was getting odd, unwanted flashbacks of his uncle...doing things - flashbacks that made him run to the bathroom and vomit until the icky feelings went away and all he could feel was heartburn and an ache in his throat. flashbacks that made him hit himself until his head and knuckles felt tender. and then he'd start blaming his friends for all of this, because none of this would've happened if it weren't for them.
and then he'd get mad at himself, because who was he to get mad at them? they'd only been trying to help. but he hated it, he hated them, he wished he'd never have to see them again. especially ross, who'd had the audacity to ask if he could come over that day. fat fucking chance now.
roy left him on read and went out the front entrance of the school, since the back entrance was where they'd always met up.
he was okay, despite all of this. he was fine.
he adjusted his backpack as he walked, trying to comfort himself with the familiar weight and pressure of it. it was a little more full than usual; now that he had no excuse to procrastinate on homework, he'd been carrying his books back and forth with him every single day. he could hear them thumping in his bag as he turned onto the sidewalk, gazing down at the leaves that crunched melodiously with every step. they nearly carpeted the concrete - he wouldn't really be surprised if some of the leaves at the bottom of the pile were beginning to rot. he ignored his friends' voices calling his name in favor of pretending the leaves were louder than them, and continued to walk through downtown, barely acknowledging the crossing guard as he crossed the street, moving further away from the school as fast as he could.
after a few more minutes of tromping through the leaf-littered sidewalks, he found himself in the vacant lot near the candyclub - he and ross and robert spent time there on occasion, considering it was kind of equal distance between their houses it was pretty easy for them to get to. but not today - some other kids had taken their usual spots. he tried his best to ignore them as he cut across the lot. he could feel their eyes on him, his skin burning hot - before he could think better of it, he whipped around and glared at them.
"you got a problem?" he snapped, his voice coming out even more gravelly than usual from lack of talking - christ, he even heard it crack and he wanted to die on the spot.
the kids kind of stared at him awkwardly before going back to whatever the hell they had been doing. honestly, they could be summoning demons for all roy cared - all he wanted to do was get out of there. he lowered the brim of his hat as he made the final stretch, and only lifted his head again when he heard the song of a crow - he tilted his head to look up at the power lines, spotting the bird perched right above him. he smiled up at it, watching as its beak opened again to answer a far-off call from one of its friends.
well, that is, until something, some projectile whizzed into its side. and the bird fell, trying desperately to flap its wings before it hit the ground with a sickening crunch.
that bird that'd been so content and free had gotten it all stolen in a matter of seconds. and roy couldn't do anything. he couldn't do anything other than stare at it blankly as it laid on the ground, wings twisted at horrible angles, its feathered chest rising and falling quickly from the shock. even so, it still tried to move, and he covered his ears with his palms at the shrieks of pain as his world began to swirl.
and he could hear those kids behind him. laughing. patting each other on the back. and for what? what "great thing" had they done? what was worth celebrating? he turned around to look at them, his entire body trembling. it was a fucking bb gun that they had been messing with, and the one that was holding it had the most twisted, celebratory smile for all. and roy wanted to smack it right off of him.
he couldn't even remember actually going over there to do it. but the next thing he knew, that twisted smile was missing a few teeth. and it was like he couldn't even help it - any of it. he was running solely on adrenaline - adrenaline and anger. anger he'd shoved down for weeks. anger at his uncle. anger at his parents. anger at his friends. anger at his teachers. and especially, now, in this moment, anger at this stupid kid who'd taken an innocent life - an innocent, free life. he pried the gun away from the kid, who was trying to bat him away with it as he spat blood and teeth on the ground.
"why would you do that?" roy yelled at no one, void of direction but full of purpose. the butt of the bb gun slammed against the side of the kid's head, and he could feel hands like sharp claws trying to tug him away - the kid's friends. he turned to look at them but saw nothing but red. nobody was smiling, nobody was laughing now. and why should they be? their friend had just killed someone. something. some beautiful bird who didn't deserve it - hell, nothing deserved that except maybe them. and that's why he shook the hands off of him and punched him in the nose this time. he heard a crack, and next thing he knew there was more blood on his hands, on his clothes.
he stopped when the guy stopped fighting back, when he finally blacked out, went unconscious, whatever.
he heard shouting but he didn't know who it belonged to. it took him a while to figure out that it was coming from him. he tossed the gun away and started to cry, his nails scratching down his cheeks and pulling at his hair. there was blood everywhere, so much blood, and he hadn't meant to do that. he hadn't meant to do that at all and it scared him.
more yelling - not from him or the kids this time. and it sounded scared - not for itself, but for him.
"go away!" he yelled, trying but unable to move from his spot. his legs wouldn't work, useless and numb beneath him.
if he could he'd be running, running, running until he couldn't stop. until he was away from this town and all the people in it who thought he was wrong and weak. away from everyone who thought he needed them. he didn't need anyone, he didn't need-
"roy?"
go away, he wanted to say, get lost. instead he just stared up at the candy clerk hovering a few feet away, mouth agape at the sight, eyes searching roy's. he looked like he'd sprinted over here, sweat already staining his shirt's armpits and beading on his forehead. after a good moment of just watching, while roy cursed him in his mind, kevin knelt down next to him, slow and steady about it, before reaching out to check the other kid's pulse.
"well, good news: you didn't kill anyone." kevin laughed nervously, seeming unsure of what to say.
"he did," roy murmured, or maybe it was a scream - he had no idea.
kevin tilted his head and roy pointed over his shoulder at the bird - the bird who'd stopped shrieking minutes ago. the bird who'd never, ever get to fly again because it was dead. and kevin's face fell, and he glanced over at the bloodied bb gun, discarded on the ground. "oh."
"yeah. oh. fucking oh."
"...i'm...i'm sure there's a few empty boxes in the store."
"...sounds nice."
while kevin got the box, roy dug into the hard, packed dirt at the edge of the lot, getting dirt under his nails, making them even more chipped, more nubbly than before. maybe they even bled, who cared. not him. he finished digging the hole and when he turned back around, the kid was gone, the bb gun was still there, and kevin was carefully putting the deceased bird into the box. they buried it wordlessly, packing the dirt back over it like nothing had ever even happened. the whole thing was surreal but at least he wasn't seeing red anymore. he didn't really remember when he'd leaned against the clerk, either, mentally and physically exhausted. for a moment he was glad kevin had been the one to find him, because what friends would he tell? what police would he call? and then he realized that wasn't the best way to be thinking about someone who'd went out of his way to help him. and that made him feel worse.
after a few more quiet minutes, kevin took roy back to the candy store and let him wash off in the employee bathroom - sure, there was only so much a sink, hand soap, and paper towels could do, but he was able to get most of the blood off of his hands, most of the dirt out from under his nails. but he wasn't able to scrub away the way he felt inside - confused, angry, and lonely. he looked at himself in the mirror and barely succeeded without punching himself.
he wanted these people in his life to hate him. then he'd have a reason for treating them like shit. then he wouldn't have anyone to worry about but himself, no reason to care about anyone. because caring got him hurt. just look at ross, his parents - three people he'd wanted so desperately to love and care about him back. but what reason did he give them? what reason did he give anyone to like him?
he wondered for the hundredth time why he was like this.
it was just a bird.