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Carlos spent the drive to his parents’ house for dinner trying to make sense of the last few days. Even after the long nap he and TK had taken following their talk that had spanned from the middle of the night to early morning, Carlos was still tired. Tired of keeping all of his boxes carefully packed away, just waiting for detonation. Knowing that TK was still there, wanting to support him through this mess he had made, he could start unpacking some of those boxes, look into himself like TK had asked him to.
He was still surprised how supportive TK was being. How understanding, even after finding out that Carlos had been keeping a pretty big secret from him. Had been since they had officially started dating. He wasn’t so sure he would be able to be the same. Carlos wasn’t exactly proud of his jealous nature, had actually been surprised when it had shown up at first. TK was the only person in his life that had ever inspired that feeling.
Every time he closed his eyes he went through the slide show of emotions that he has watched cross the face of the man he loved as he had admitted to being married. The confusion, both at the secret and that there had been one in the first place. The sadness and compassion for Carlos as he told TK why he had gotten married and again when he had told him about Iris. The tension, the tears, the uncertainty. He figured he would be haunted by them just as much as he had been relieved by the love that was still so clear in everything TK did and said to him.
Once he had parked in front of the house he had grown up in, he took a deep breath, wished TK had come to dinner with him, even though he understood why he hadn’t. Carlos needed this time with his parents, the conversation he needed to have with them was a long time coming. He could have put it off forever, but knowing how deeply he had hurt TK, made this necessary. The moment that TK had told him that his parents must either think he was stupid or pitied him, Carlos had known that he couldn’t avoid it anymore.
He looked up as he reached to open the door, seeing his mom standing on the porch, waiting for him. Her confusion and concern evident on her face.
“Hola Mama.” Carlos told her as he got out of the car, heading up the steps to her.
“Hola Carlitos.” She replies moving her head around, clearly looking around for TK.
“He stayed home, Mom.” Carlos told her, his smile faltering.
“Oh, is everything ok?” she asked, leading him inside.
Carlos didn’t answer right away, sitting in his spot at the table, the same one he had first helped his mom make tamales on when he had been five, the one he had done his homework on when he had been twelve, where he had come out to them at seventeen, and again where he had told them he was getting married to Iris. This table held some of the biggest and saddest moments in his life, but right now, he wanted to smash it into a thousand pieces.
This table was where he had convinced himself that not talking about his sexuality again to his family for several years, where he learned to lie to himself about what he wanted, who he was. What he could live with, sacrifice. How long would he have continued lying and hiding if everything hadn’t threatened to blow up in his face?
His mom took the seat across from him, the same one she had always sat in. “Carlitos, are you ok?” she asked, her voice laced with concern. “Did something happen?”
“I am not really sure how to answer that, mom. We had dinner with Iris last night. It did not go well, which is understandably distressing TK and myself. He is trying so hard to just go with it, just let me take the lead.” Came tumbling from his lips. “Trusting me, which quite frankly, I don’t know if I deserve.”
“What happened last night?” she inquired.
For the first time in a long time, Carlos took the time to really look at his mom before answering. Saw her genuine concern, not just for himself, but for the other people that were important to him. Thought about how whole heartedly she had adopted his fiancé after their official meeting, how much she loved the person he desperately wanted to spend the rest of his life with. “Iris was concerned about some things with TK’s past. She left without signing the papers and I am not even sure where she is now.” He finally told her, frustration at the situation starting to reach a boiling point.
He knew that it was his own fault for being in the circumstances he was in. He also knew that the decision he had made almost a decade ago was in large part in reaction to the response he had gotten from his parents when he had come out to them at seventeen, right in this spot. Even just one word from either of them may have made all the difference, might had led him to making different decisions.
Just as his mom started to speak, his father came in from the kitchen, “How did dinner go last night, Carlitos?” his father asked as he sat down in his customary spot.
Carlos appreciated it when his mom spoke up, answering “He was telling me that it didn’t go as well he had hoped it would. How did TK take it?”
Carlos let out a sigh, telling them “He expected it, doesn’t blame her, just himself. When really, it’s my fault.”
His dad cocked his head to the side, asking “Why would he think any of this was his fault?”
“Not the situation itself, just the fact that she didn’t seem like she was a fan of him.” Carlos answered. Which he still didn’t understand. TK could charm anyone, but apparently Carlos was married to the one person that was immune to him.
“Ah, I see. How is he doing with the rest of it?” His father asked. It should have been an innocent question, not one that sent Carlos spiraling back to the past.
Carlos thought about how much his parents had shaped him, how he had been so scared of disappointing them that he made a mistake he should have fixed years ago. He wishes that he could go back and tell that scared boy would one day find a man that loved him so deeply, so openly, that he would take all of the shattered pieces of Carlos’ heart and put them together, stronger than they were before. That he would constantly show and tell him how much he was loved. That the man that loved him would make all of his identity uncertainty worth it while making all his teenage dreams come true.
He had been terrified when his parents had met TK at the farmer’s market. Thought he had lost TK over his inability to introduce him to them that day. He still remembered how he had known for sure that TK meant it when he told him that he loved him, it wasn’t just about surface feelings and unbelievable sex. That he actually accepted him as a person with faults, not just a body to use for release.
When TK, Nancy, and Captain Vega had gone missing, when Carlos and Owen had followed the clues to their whereabouts, listening to his father’s orders to stay put in the parking garage wasn’t even a consideration. TK had needed him and his concern and love for TK had been stronger than his fear of disappointing his father.
Carlos had loved watching the bond that formed between TK and his parents. He hadn’t ever imagined a situation where he would be sharing a meal with his live-in boyfriend and his parents. That event had just not been on his radar.
He had always so proud of both of his parents for never holding TK’s past choices against him, had just accepted him as the man that loved their son. Even their break up hadn’t affected their feelings for him, not that Carlos could blame them. TK was one of the most loveable people he had ever met, most deserving of love. He was grateful that his parents had seen that in him.
He just wishes he had felt like they had thought they same of him when he had been a teenager. He wishes that while they hadn’t ever said anything negative about his sexuality, that they had said one positive thing instead of ignoring it. He wishes that he could go back and ask them if it was really so bad that he was gay, that he liked men instead of women.
“With a great deal of understanding and compassion. Which just makes it all worse, really.” Carlos finally told them.
The timer on the oven went off, breaking the silence that followed Carlos’ admission. His mom quickly moved across the kitchen, pulling the pan from the oven to cool. When she returned to her seat, she asked “What do you mean?”
Again, Carlos took his time sorting his thoughts before he answered. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to explain it properly, but he had to try. “He said he understood why Iris and I got married when we were young and lost and why we stayed married after she came back and needed the medical benefits. He even understands why I didn’t tell him at first.”
He had to stop, collect himself. Even at almost thirty years old he was still worried about being “too soft” for his father, too scared to show that he had emotions around the man that had always been around his hero.
His mom took the opportunity to say “Those sound like good things, Carlitos.”
He laughed, not so much because the situation was funny, but because his options were to either laugh or cry. “Mom, he asked me why I said yes. Last night we talked, a lot. He told me that the only thing out of this whole mess that he was struggling with was that I accepted his proposal and spent the last several months not telling him that I was already married. That’s it. Told me that he knows that he is meant to be with me, wants to marry me, how intensely he loves me. He is the one comforting me, and I can’t even say for sure if I would have ever told him that I had been married if that venue hadn’t called me. I thought I had eighteen months to find Iris, get a divorce, and plan a wedding with TK. I thought I could put the whole experience in a box and never think about it again. I lied to him for years, would I have kept lying to him about it for the rest of our lives?”
He couldn’t bring himself to look at their faces, he knew that they had to be wondering the same thing. The shame he had felt at seventeen washed over him again, making him wish he hadn’t said anything, just like before.
“We are so sorry, Carlitos.” Came from his father, causing him to look up in confusion.
“We sat here when you were seventeen and listened as you told us that you were gay. We told you that we loved you and accepted who you were.” His mom added, wiping a tear from her eye before continuing. “But, we never asked you if there were any boys you liked, we never told you it was ok after that night, we didn’t say anything. We just waited, and that is something we both deeply regret.”
When Carlos didn’t reply, his dad told him “Then a couple of years later, we sat here at this table again, with you telling us that you were going to marry Iris. We never asked why. We just went along with it, it was easier. I am very sorry for that, son.” as reached a hand out, placing on Carlos’ forearm. “We should have told you our concerns then, not just kept them to ourselves.”
His mom took over with “When the two of you realized what the rest of us already knew, that you loved each other as friends, but nothing more, We thought that maybe then you would live your life for you. And, I am guessing that you did, in a way. I am sure you dated or whatever, but you still never brought any boys home to meet us, never told us about anyone you met.” His mom put her hand on his other arm, adding “We didn’t understand why until we bumped into you and TK at that farmer’s market.”
Carlos was overwhelmed by the words his parents were telling him, tried to keep up with their admission, but when his mom brought up the farmer’s market he had to stop them. “Did you know I thought I was going to lose him over that? I was so scared of losing you that I told you he was a friend from work, when that was the furthest thing from the truth. He was so hurt and I couldn’t blame him. I think a part of me was also a little jealous of how open his parents were with him, how much he knew they loved him, even though he was gay.” Carlos almost spat out, surprising himself. He had never raised his voice to his parents before.
“We are so sorry for that Carlitos. I know that it doesn’t make up for the past ten plus years, but we do want you to know that we realize the part we played in your youthful decisions. Ones that as your parents, we should have questioned, should have made sure you knew how we felt.” His mom finished as she got back up from the table, food now ready to eat.
Out of habit he got up to help her, went to the counter and picked up the stack of plates and sets of silverware, carrying them to the table. As he placed them around the table, he smiled as realized that his mom had pulled out four of everything, was reminded just how ingrained in his life, in this family that TK was.
Once they were seated back at the table, prayer said, plates filled, Carlos responded to the words his parents had said, words he had wanted to hear for over a decade. “Um, I actually came here to talk to you about that. About how we never talked about it again. It’s not your fault that I made the decisions I did, but your actions did influence them.” He took a deep breath, “I am not trying to blame you for anything, I just needed to be honest with you.”
His stomach was in so many knots that he didn’t if he could eat. He could see that his parents were waiting for him to continue and he was grateful that they were giving him the space to talk openly. “While we were talking last night, something clicked for TK, he basically told me that I put things I don’t want to think about in boxes, only to remember or deal with them when they blow up in my face. The only thing he has asked me to do, other than get a divorce from Iris that is, was to look through all my boxes. I think this conversation was one of them, I needed to be honest with you about how the fact that we didn’t talk about what I told you led me to make the decisions that I made as a scared kid afraid of losing his parent’s love. I was willing to do almost anything to make sure you loved me.” He was breathing heavily by the time he finished, surprised that he had actually gotten all of that out, that his parents had already been on the same page.
“Is that why TK didn’t come with you, so you could talk to us?” His mom asked.
“In part. He isn’t feeling all that secure about his place, which is on me. But, he knows that you guys knew that I was still married to Iris while planning a wedding with him. He is worried that you either think he is stupid or that you pity him, plus he wanted to give us the space to talk.” Carlos admitted.
“You can tell him this, we love him, have never thought he was stupid. We love him for himself, but we also love him for how he loves you. Don’t worry, we will make sure he believes us too. I think we might owe him an apology or two as well.” His mom told him, his father nodding in agreement.
Once his father’s plate was clean, he looked at Carlos again, a smile on his face as he asked “Why did you say yes, Carlitos?”
Carlos saw the amusement in his dad’s face, but also the genuine desire to know the answer to that question. ‘Because I love him, more than I thought was possible. Because I know what it was like to live without him and I don’t want to experience that again if I can help it. He is fun and kind, loves whole heartedly, he makes me look forward to the future, he adds color to every gray day. He makes everything brighter, and so many more reasons. The biggest is simply that I love him.” He heard a sniffle, causing him to look towards his mom.
She laughed, wiping the tears from her eyes, telling him “I think you need to tell him that.”
He watched as she took his still full plate, wrapping it in foil before making an identical plate for TK. He spent a little more time with his parents, feeling more comfortable with both of them than he had in years. Just another way in which TK had changed his life, he had given him the safety and confidence to bring his parents into their life at his own pace. The step he had made tonight pushed them even closer. He gave his mom a kiss goodbye, ready to get home to TK, tell him about the conversation with his parents, and he would listen to his mom, give TK the answer to the question he had asked.
“I know you might not believe this son, but we have always been proud of you, always. We may not always understand right away or agree on something, but we are always proud of the man you have become.” His father told him as he walked him out to his car, hugging him tighter than he had in years.
“Thanks, Dad. That means a lot.” Carlos told him, which was reminiscent of when TK had last been in the hospital and the conversation he had back then with his mom.
Thirty minutes later, Carlos found himself opening the door to the loft, seeing TK sitting in the corner of the couch, wrapped in his blanket, looking anxious to hear how his dinner went. Carlos also didn’t miss the way TK’s eyes lit up when he saw the basket in Carlos’ hands.
“Is that dinner?” TK asked him, rising from the couch, meeting Carlos behind it, putting his hands on Carlos’ face, bringing their lips together.
Once TK broke the kiss, pulling away to take the basket, Carlos laughed. “Was the kiss just to snatch the food?”
TK laughed, “The kiss is because I love you, but let’s eat, I am starving.” Once they their food was reheated and they were sitting at the table, TK asked “So, how did it go?”
Carlos, still surprised at how well talking with his parents had gone, told him how they had apologized for their part in the decisions that I made. “It was not at all what I was anticipating, but I am glad that you gave me the push I needed.”
TK looked at him, confusion and concern clear on his face “How did I push you?”
“You asked me to look into my boxes. They were one of them. I am not done going through them TK, but I am doing it.” Carlos admitted. “They also want you to know that they do not think you are stupid, which I told you. They love you, they said that they will make sure you believe them, so good luck.”
An hour later, while cuddling on the couch Carlos told TK “I have an answer for the question you asked me last night.”
TK turned his head, looking at Carlos “Which question?”
“Why I said yes.” Carlos said.
TK’s eyes got big before he saying “Ok, why did you say yes?” with a hesitant smile.
“I already told you that I never thought that the love we share existed before you came along, that you made me believe in love. You tell people that I made you feel safe enough to open your heart again, but Baby, you made me feel safe enough to open mine for the only time. I said yes because I know what living without you feels like and I never want to feel that way again. You once told me that everything was gray, that you wanted to feel something. Until you, I didn’t realize how numb I had been. You make everything brighter and better. You are my present and my future. I will do everything in my power to make sure you never have to question that again. I love you with everything in me, everything I am. I honestly can’t wait to be your husband.”
“I love you too. Thank you for listening to what I said last night.” TK told him, wiping a tear from his eye.
Not too much later, both men were sound asleep, curled up on the couch, a feeling of peace finally starting to reenter their home, a feeling of hope that all would work out, that all of this would soon be behind them.