Chapter Text
Sunny felt cold.
He had done for a while, every bit of warmth vanishing from his life when Mari died. He didn't allow much sunlight into his room, sleeping the days away inside of the only place of respite he had: his mind.
In Headspace, it was eternally night, yet nowhere near as dark as the other places inside of Sunny's head. The purple skies were comforting, his friends' pyjamas familiar, and he was allowed to sit back while Omori took his place.
Omori spoke even less than Sunny used to. Sunny supposed that was accurate, considering that he didn't speak anymore either.
He had nobody to speak to, after all.
Mari's warm touch was something Sunny ached for, something deep inside of him feeling a pang every time he caught sight of his sister in Headspace. Not a day went by that he didn't see himself in the mirror and loath himself for what he'd done.
A part of him loathed Basil, too. Sunny couldn't find it in himself to stop it.
Since Sunny's father was gone and Mari was gone and his mom was always away, Sunny was alone most of the time. That was why he slept, why he let Omori take the reins. At least in his dreams, he had company. He had friends.
It had been so, so long since Sunny last saw his friends. He wondered how they were. Whether Hero had moved away from Faraway, potentially to become a cook. Whether Kel was finally taller than his brother. Whether Aubrey missed him.
Whether Basil blamed himself for Sunny's absence.
As much as Sunny missed his friends, he refused to go out and see them. He couldn't. Not only did he not deserve them, but Sunny didn't think he could possibly look them in the eyes while the knowledge of what he'd done loomed over his shoulder.
No, seeing his friends again was out of the question.
…Until it wasn't anymore.
Incessant thudding at the door broke Sunny out of his repetitive routine, determined and confident. This was a person who'd been to Sunny's house before, who knew him, and they weren't going to go away.
Sunny was the only person there. He looked through the keyhole, and–
Kel . Colourful shirt, wide grin, purple hair…
That wasn't right, was it? Sunny wanted to walk away, to bury his head under his pillow until the knocking went away and he was left alone again, as he was supposed to be.
And yet, he stood, transfixed, hand reaching for the door handle. Sunny felt his breathing pick up as the handle turned, his knuckles even whiter than usual from his overly tight grip.
“Helllooooo? Helllloooooooooooo?” Kel’s voice, cheerful and loud and deeper than it was in Sunny's dreams, met his ears. “Sunny? Are you there?”
Sunny couldn’t answer, not when any words he may have spoken had caught in his throat a long time ago. He could merely stand, captivated by his old friend who was just outside .
“Do you remember me? It’s your old friend, Kel!”
He wanted to laugh, but couldn’t find it in himself to do so. Did Sunny remember him? How couldn’t he?
“So, I, uh…” Kel clearly wasn’t deterred by the lack of a reply, though his tone had grown slightly more uncertain. “I noticed the ‘for sale’ sign in front of your house… and I… err… Heard from my mom that you were moving away soon.”
Moving day had been coming for a while, and by that point, it was only three days away. Sunny felt slightly sad about it, but there wasn’t really all that much to miss when he spent most of his days asleep and completely estranged from the rest of humanity.
“I was wondering… If you wanted to hang out one more time before you go… Or whatever… For old time’s sake, y’know?” Kel was always so confident , but here, he sounded almost tentative . It didn’t fit, didn’t work with Sunny’s memories. His head hurt.
He had to prove that this was real, that it wasn’t his mind playing a cruel trick on him. Sunny firmly twisted the handle open before he could change his mind, immediately shutting his eyes at the harsh onslaught of light before him.
When his eyes adjusted and Sunny was able to see normally again, he took in the sight before him. Kel was… Well, he was Kel , there and real and alive.
He was wearing orange. That always had been his favourite colour. Spread across the brunette’s face was a white smile, wide as always, tan skin slightly muscled from some kind of sport.
When I flex, I feel my best!
Again, Sunny withheld the urge to snort.
“Whoa, you actually came out!” Kel exclaimed, looking surprised. That was reasonable, Sunny supposed, considering that he hadn’t left his house in years by that point.
Hadn’t felt one of Aubrey’s hand squeezes in years, or Kel’s high-fives, or her hugs–
…Sunny was leaving the house . He swallowed in the hope that it would stop his throat being so dry. (He focused on his breathing so it wouldn’t constrict entirely.)
Kel rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, smile falling a little. “Err… I-I mean…”
A pause. Sunny didn’t mind those, he understood not being able to find the right words.
“Okay, I’m going to be honest with you, Sunny,” Kel’s face became serious, and Sunny felt his heartbeat quicken. Honest about what?! “I really didn’t expect you to come out today, so I don’t really have a game plan here.”
Oh. That was what Kel meant. Of course. Sunny was just being paranoid.
There was silence for a few seconds before Kel’s expression brightened again. “Hey, I know! Let’s go to Hobbeez! It’s the hobby shop in Faraway Plaza.”
Sunny knew that already; he was reclusive , not an amnesiac. He missed Hobbeez, memories of Kel dripping rainwater within and everyone obsessing over the latest Captain Spaceboy comic, especially Mar–
“You remember the way, right? We used to go there all the time when we were kids,” Kel said casually.
When they were kids .
Because they weren’t anymore, were they? Years had passed, people had changed, and they’d grown , all without her .
Sunny felt a familiar stab of guilt hit him.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Kel grinned, being able to read Sunny’s thoughts like a book– or, at least, he used to. Sunny found comfort both in that Kel could tell for the most part what Sunny intended to say and that he was unable to locate all the parts that Sunny kept closed off. “LET’S GO!”
Kel was so loud , in a good way. Everything about him was, really: his clothes, his personality, his voice, his very presence . It had always annoyed Aubrey. Sunny used to smile when Kel assured him that he could be loud enough for the both of them.
Kel was warmth, so Sunny had to keep his distance. He stayed in the secure darkness, because it was where he was safe. Where he deserved to be.
The walk to Hobbeez was both brisk and uneasy, Sunny recalling the way as best he could. Thankfully, Kel didn’t comment on Sunny’s steadfast silence.
He never did, really.
As they walked, Sunny resisted the urge to hug his friend, no matter how much he craved to. Just once .
He didn’t deserve Kel. He didn’t deserve touch . Sunny was poison, only ever doing harm. He didn’t want to harm Kel any more than he already had.
The rest of the day passed easily, even as recollections bombarded Sunny at every turn. The big yellow cat, which was a lot smaller than he remembered; their hangout spot, which was long-since deserted; and–
Basil .
Basil, being insulted by someone Sunny couldn’t remember clearly.
Basil, who had helped him cover up Mari’s death
. Basil, who seemed so much more
nervous
than usual.
Basil, whose face flashed with terrified recognition when he and Sunny met eyes.
Then there was
Aubrey
, and she was all
wrong
. She carried a bat– not like the one she wielded playfully when she was younger, because this was lined with jagged, rusty
nails
– as her hair,
pink pink pink, just as she used to dream of it being
, fell across bright blue eyes.
She looked entirely different yet entirely recognisable all at once, and Sunny found himself struggling to maintain a straight face.
Still, he had more than enough practice. He’d been putting on a façade for years, and it seemed Aubrey had too, because there was no way a face that aggressive could be genuine. Not on Aubrey .
Words passed over his head, Sunny unable to tear his eyes away from the girl who used to be his best friend. He compared her to the sweet, smiley Aubrey in his head and found himself becoming numb once again. If he felt, he would have to acknowledge the remorse and despair that refused to give him a moment’s respite .
“Wow, it really is you,” Aubrey was cold, unreadable. “It’s been a while, but you haven’t changed a bit.”
Oh, if only she knew .
Then, her mouth twisted into a smirk, and something cold pooled in the bottom of Sunny’s stomach. “How long had it been since you left your house? Three years…? Maybe four? Must have been nice to live in your own little bubble .”
Sunny shivered. He didn’t think he liked this new Aubrey.
The Aubrey he’d created.
Kel was saying something, looking angry, but Sunny didn’t hear it. Couldn’t hear it, not with his ears ringing the way they were.
The next thing he knew, he was fighting her .
This, Sunny could do. He was experienced in this, talented . It would be just like in his dreams. He just had to get out his knife, and–
Aubrey gasped, stumbling backwards as a trail of crimson made its way down her arm.
He didn’t want– she was going to hit them, hit them with her bat– Sunny didn’t mean to–
“Gah! What the… Is-Is that a knife?!”
She and her new friends left. His fault .
Basil stared at him with distrust and fear, getting away from him as soon as he could. His fault .
They fought Aubrey again in a church, humiliating her and disrupting the sermon. His fault.
Kel tried to high-five him. It was such a small gesture, a small offer , and Sunny wanted to so, so badly –
He shook his head. He didn’t deserve to.
Kel was fine with that, completely unaware of the way that Sunny had just intentionally crushed his own heart. He held back the tears that wanted to flood his eyes.
They got Basil’s photo album back, but looking through its pages, all Sunny could feel was emptiness. They were full of long-since abandoned happy memories, pictures of all those he’d been happy with . Sunny knew that he’d never be that happy again.
…Basil could see the Somethings. Sunny didn’t know what they were, but he knew why they were there.
To punish them. To punish him .
He deserved it.
Just as he deserved the feeling of phantom hands on his skin, comforting and warm and never truly there. He was alone, he deserved to be alone, but even so, Sunny found himself longing for things he could never have again.
“Sunny… Everything is okay now, isn’t it?”
Basil had asked him . He should have known he was never going to receive an answer.
Maybe he’d never wanted one.
The blonde had reached out for Sunny as he left, a desperate attempt at keeping them connected. Sunny didn’t look back as he left Basil alone in the bathroom.
A part of Sunny wondered whether Basil craved another’s touch just as he did. A part of Sunny whispered that Basil didn’t deserve it either.
He bid Kel goodbye without words, just as he’d done everything else that day. Sunny was tired , and looking forward to curling up in the warm embrace of his covers.
That night, he found comfort in the control he possessed. He let Omori take the lead once again, falling into that comfortable state of calmness where he could preoccupy and rid himself of worry all at once.
His dream friends never once touched Omori, either. Sunny knew exactly why.
When he awoke, it was to the light of the sun shining on his face and a renewed knocking on the door. Sunny didn’t know if he could handle another day out there, being with Kel while keeping his distance just enough, watching the damage he’d caused as they all remained unaware.
Kel had always been incredibly tactile, offering high-fives and fist-bumps whenever he got the chance to. Hero was coming back that day, with his comforting smile and gentle hugs and the presence that made Sunny feel safe . Aubrey, for all she may despise him now, had always used to love holding hands or linking arms with him. Basil had tried to keep them close to each other the day before, even as Sunny tore himself away.
He didn’t deserve them.
His mind made up, Sunny ignored the knocking, burrowing himself further within his blankets. He was poison. He would never forgive himself if he hurt them even more.
And so, his heart aching as silent tears trailed freely down his face, Sunny pretended the arms wrapped around him were someone else’s as he headed to Headspace once again, feeling even colder than he was before.