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Steve walked into the living room to see Bucky bent in half on the couch, wheezing with silent laughter.
“What’s going on?” he asked, already smiling with how much Bucky was laughing.
“Stark-” Bucky tried to catch his breath, choking with laughter. “Stark just called us vanilla.”
Steve started chuckling. “What?”
“The most vanilla, to be exact. Also, I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re basically a virgin,” Bucky forced out between gasping breaths.
“Oh my god, no.” Steve couldn’t hold back his own snort of laughter. “He did not.”
“Yes!” Bucky practically fell over again. “Oh, man, I gotta get myself under control before he comes back. That’s ridiculous.”
“Oh, we so have to fuck with him,” Steve said, a grin spreading across his face. “When’s he coming back?”
“Like a minute or so, he’s just getting coffee. What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know, we’ll figure it out,” Steve said in a hurry, already hearing Tony’s footsteps.
Bucky buried his face back into his book, throwing a wink at Steve before wrangling his face back under control. Steve tried not to look suspicious as Tony wandered back in and settled in to wait, biding his time.
-----
“What does vanilla mean?”
Tony started at the apparent non sequitur. “What?”
“Bucky said you said something about… vanilla sex? I don’t know what that means.”
Bucky looked up from his book. “Do you eat it?”
“Eat it?” Tony was baffled. “No, you don’t- What?”
Bucky’s mouth twisted. “Damn. I really thought that was it.”
“Ha! I told you it wasn’t eating it.” Steve grinned triumphantly. His smile faltered after a second. “Wait, then what is it?”
“It’s just, normal… Oh my god, I’m going to have to teach Captain America about sex,” Tony said to himself.
“Normal? Are there… not normal ways to have sex?”
Tony couldn’t look at Steve’s genuine, innocent face any longer. “Oh god, okay. So you know how sex, like, works right? Like, basically? Please tell me I don’t have to tell you how babies are made.”
Steve looked disapprovingly at him. “Yes, Tony, I know how babies are made.”
“Oh thank god,” Tony whispered. “It’s just, I don’t know, not kinky, you know?”
“Kinky,” Bucky stated, looking at him with that dead stare Tony could never figure out. “I know that word, but it does not make any sense in this context.”
“Oh, come on,” Tony said desperately. “You do know there are other things you can do, right?”
They both stared back at him blankly for a moment before Bucky turned to Steve. “I told you he wasn’t going to take this seriously. We should have asked Sam.”
“Dear god I wish you had. Okay. You know how to make babies. But, obviously you two can’t. So. There are other things. Jesus, Barnes help me out, I know you must have had sex.”
“Sure. With women. Because that’s how sex is done.”
Tony blinked at him mutely. He turned to Steve, who was nodding. “Seriously, neither of you have done anything with a guy? Ever? At all?”
The next sentence he heard out of Bucky’s mouth he was sure he had dreamed. There was no way he actually said, “Gay sex doesn’t exist.” Right?
“What?” he breathed out, positive he was going into shock.
“Gay sex doesn’t exist,” Bucky repeated.
Okay. He did actually say that. Tony was going to have a heart attack.
Barnes continued. “It’s not real, it’s just a joke, everyone knows that. It’s like red birds.”
What?
“What?” Tony said again.
Bucky looked at him like he was stupid. “It’s like red birds. Or Santa. It’s not actually real, people just say that.”
“Red birds are absolutely real!”
“Not, like, robins,” Bucky said exasperatedly. “Actual red birds. Not real.”
“I… can’t deal with this right now.” Tony shook his head, trying to ignore what he’d just heard. “Gay sex is absolutely real.”
Both men looked at him skeptically. “How?” Steve asked.
“Okay. I’m actually doing this. Um, well, you can do anal,” Tony stuttered out.
“What’s that,” Bucky said flatly.
Tony cringed. “You know, you put your dick in-” He cut himself off, gesturing vaguely.
“That can’t be right,” Steve said, eyes wide.
Bucky was shaking his head. “No. Won’t fit.”
“It- That- Okay, well, it does.” Unbelievable. Tony was about to start praying for death. “Anyway. There’s always blowjobs. Or whatever.”
Steve looked at him suspiciously. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“Oh good lord, seriously? Sucking dick!” Tony was losing his mind, in fact he wasn’t sure he was actually in his body any more. He’d never had such a surreal experience in his life. And he’d fought aliens.
In unison, both their faces screwed up in disgust. “What, with your mouth?” Steve asked.
“That’s disgusting,” Bucky declared.
“That’s not even necessarily gay! Women do that too!”
“No, nobody wants to put their mouth on a dick, that’s gross,” Bucky said dismissively. Steve nodded his agreement.
“Oh good god, wait until you hear about rimming,” Tony said, and then immediately regretted it. Why did he say that?
“I don’t think I can take much more,” Steve said faintly. “But I can’t- I can’t not know.”
Tony’s soul left his body. “It’s- You-” He covered his face with his hands, regretting every life choice that could’ve possibly led to this moment. “Licking? The asshole?”
The silence he was met with was deafening. Tony glanced up to see twin looks of horror on both men’s faces.
“Ugh, that’s the most revolting thing I’ve ever heard of.” Bucky shook his head. “We’re getting way off topic and I still don’t know what the vanilla is for. Far as I know you’re going to tell me people are shoving that up their ass too,” Bucky said, looking disgusted.
“There’s no actual vanilla, it’s just like, vanilla is the most basic flavor, right? It’s just basic, no frills, no kinks sex,” Tony said desperately, wishing this would end.
“Kinks. That’s the second time now you’ve said that. I don’t understand,” Steve said.
“Well, we’ve come this far, why not? There’s a lot, I don’t know, like dominance and submission kind of roleplay stuff? Or fetishes? Masochism? I don’t even know where to go with this.” Tony threw his hands in the air and thought he might actually cry. How was this his life?
“Huh. You know, I think that actually sounds a little familiar,” Steve said thoughtfully. Tony looked at him in disbelief. “Yeah, Bucky, doesn’t that sound like when I tie you up and you call me Captain?”
What.
He couldn’t have heard that right.
“Oh, yeah,” Bucky said. “And, hey, masochism, that’s like when you basically beat the shit out of me until I come.”
Tony felt his eyes fall out of his skull.
“And that, what'd you call it Tony, that blowjob thing, that sounds kind of like that time I fucked your face for like an hour."
"You've done that a lot more than once, Stevie," Bucky said with a smirk.
"Eh, you know the time I'm talking about," Steve said, waving a hand.
Bucky snorted. "Yeah, my voice was fucked up for like two days after that."
"Hm. Who knew there was a word for that,” Steve said casually, like he wasn’t ruining Tony’s entire worldview with every word. “Hey, is there a word for when you have sex outside your bedroom, like in your kitchen?"
"In someone else's kitchen?"
"Or in an elevator?"
"In an alley?"
"A car?"
"A park?"
"On a roof?"
"Okay stop, stop!" Tony cut them off. "I can't take any more, I can't even look at you two. What the fuck? I- I- You- Ugh!"
Bucky and Steve grinned unashamedly as Tony tried and failed to say something, anything, before finally throwing up his arms and storming out.
-----
Later…
“Gay sex isn’t real?”
“I know, I can’t believe I got that out without laughing.”