Chapter Text
He was in comforting arms when he heard again “Honey, I want you to keep in mind that you aren´t like the others. Someday you maybe find someone special to show your true power. Until then promise me that…” The affection scenario began to fade ahead of schedule, but the recipient already knew the full dream.
"Mom please don't go! MOM!" Darkness and crickets. “It can't be that I have that dream again. It seems that it isn´t dawn yet. Sleeping doesn't work for me, I'll tell Erwin later that at least I tried."
Every month of every year the same dream runs through the mind of that black-haired man who, cold, goes out in search of freshness to drive away the pain in his chest. There were three days left for the new expedition and his commander had sent him to sleep so that he wouldn´t overexert himself, coincidentally that dream returned on this date. Although he wouldn't say it out loud, the place he wanted to go to was the office of Erwin Smith, the person he trusted, to drink tea and talk until he was sent to sleep. But uncertain of possibly being a nuisance, he heads to the top of one of the buildings.
He isn´t usually this insecure, he has been building his relationship with Erwin for years, he would do everything for him and he knows that the commander would always receive him with affection, but it´s always after that dream that he feels vulnerable. It's not just because of the memory he has of his mother, it's the feeling. He never quite understood what she meant. He knows that his strength and battlefield skills are more remarkable than others, even with his unappreciated small body, but he always assumed that it was because of the time of training with the old hat man. Even so, he knows something isn't quite right with him and he doesn't want to be labeled crazy, much less the crazy four-eyed friend he has. From day one she was fascinated by him and wanted him to be a part of her fucking experiments.
With a sigh he reaches the top of the building, he doesn't think it's going to be dawn any time soon. He begins to wonder if Erwin will still be awake but he immediately undoes it, he knows that it´s rare to think so much about someone and feel it in his heart much deeper than the others. Is he really freaking out? They´re both good friends, he would even say that he´s best friends with him, he doesn't want to ruin that with whatever he wants to bring up. No no. He shakes his head, not wanting to act like one of the brats in the new squad he's training. Speaking of the brats, he notices Mikasa Ackerman entering the horse stables. Coincidentally the brat who´s head over heels in love with the titan boy, but he´s so dumb that he doesn't notice her feelings. "Just like you with Erwin" a treacherous voice from his mind tells his. He stifles a small cry of frustration, Erwin´s his friend and his commander, there´s nothing more to clarify. He also doesn't have the energy to go to the Ackerman girl to scold her and point out the rules. It's not his day.
It´s on days like these that he begins to question various things. Although he doesn't like it, he still misses Kenny, he wonders what will become of him, if he's dead or if he's finally locked up. A few years ago he found out that the old man had made a name for himself killing the pigs of the Military Police. Who would have thought, the man who "raised" him was an urban legend, although he honestly isn't surprised. It was when he told Erwin about him that he found out that Kenny was "Kenny the Ripper". He was afraid that Erwin would look at him badly, but it was the opposite. "You never cease to amaze me Levi, every aspect of you is fascinating", were the words he used and that warmed his heart.
No no! He already looks like the Ackerman girl. Although, perhaps, a part of him wonders if the special person his mother was referring to is Erwin. He is the only one to whom he opened his heart so that he was impregnated in him, he would follow him beyond hell, he totally trusts that man with eyes similar to the free sky.He knows that Erwin also trusts him. He´s the one to whom Erwin gives his smiles, his silly words and playful looks that make him look younger. He showed Levi that he isn´t the fearless, cold and ruthless man that many, especially outside of the Survey Corps, believe him to be. Contrary to the beginning of their relationship, he´s grateful every day for having been found by Erwin.
Every year he continues to miss Farlan and Isabel, people who were like his family, whom he loved as siblings, but since Erwin the word home has taken on a much deeper meaning in a way he can't explain. Without the need for words or orders, he often knows or guesses what the blond man wants, he feels it in his heart and it makes him dizzy. Since that fateful day when he lost his brothers, but saw the sun rise from the blond man's side, he decided to follow him without regret to the one whose existence exceeds his, the one who sees things that the black-haired man doesn´t can distinguish. Each part of the man, whom in front of others he calls a commander but in his mind he only has the human being, fills him with intrigue and an ecstasy that comforts him in the security of his presence.
If the damned religious on the walls are right, afraid of risking being wrong, Levi prays to those divine beings for the blond's well-being. He wouldn't know what to do if he ever lost him, the mere thought turning his cold blood into pure fear he couldn't channel. He sometimes feels that he´s selfish with the other people whom he has to protect and whom he loves, they are his friends and comrades, but he can´t help but think that even if it costs his life, his priority always would be Erwin Smith.
He had desolate nights in which tragic events flood his nightmares, in which the living flesh feels the loss of the only being he allows to hold his hand on numerous occasions, even if they don´tt talk about it. He feels the smells, the torn heart and the headaches. Even after half of his soul is ripped out of him, not even black tea can calm him down, words are cut off and the last thing he remembers are bones with purple flowers as a symbol of something Levi doesn't want to name.
He begins to feel the cold moisture of his own tears running down his cheeks uncontrollably. He hates feeling so vulnerable. It's times like this where he doesn't understand himself.
One night every month he has the dream that brought him here, but it has never affected him as much as this time. His head drums in time to the sound of the crickets, his heart burns and he feels a numbing electricity as he watches the star-filled sky give way to the light colors of dawn. How long was he sitting there? His full consciousness left him since he woke up, now a mass of feelings that he doesn't fully understand. His skin stings with such sensitivity that he feels like a feather can scratch him, he can catch every breeze, movement, sound and scent.
Alarmed by the distant sound, he notes that the Ackerman girl has just emerged from the stables. He doesn't know how but their eyes meet despite the long distance, he can see the pain in her pupils, she seems just as sleepy as he. The girl runs at a speed not easy to catch, she looks desperate but he doesn't have the energy to find out what's wrong with her. Both are usually indifferent to each other, but he also feels her as his responsibility. She´s young and has a lot to learn even though she has her strength with her that distinguishes her from her peers. Erwin often tells him that he has a kind nature towards others, but he can't help but doubt that. Someone as full of violence and blood as him being kind isn´t something he understands well in his mind.
He continues to sink into his thoughts. He doesn't think the others fully understand the beast he has inside him, he doesn't think they know everything Levi has done. He isn´t afraid of staining himself with the blood of others if it´s to protect the people he loves. But he doesn't know from what perspective they would see it. They always look for different options, but Levi knows his strength and together with Erwin it´s what he trusts the most, although lately he believes that said strength overflows from his body. That fills him with panic, he doesn't want to ruin everything he built. At least not with him. Please, not with him.
Not with Erwin.
It´s with these thoughts that the captain ends up sleeping exhausted by the tide of emotions and the expectation of warm eyes the color of the sky.
Sweet dream captain.
Ackerman.