Chapter Text
“Do you even want to marry me?”
“Maybe I don’t!”
“I will never forgive you for this.”
Kurt watched Blaine stride away, shoulders hunched as he was pelted by the rain, and he couldn't move.
I will never forgive you for this rang in his ears, louder and louder until he heard nothing else. He couldn't breathe.
The lump that had been living permanently in his throat since Finn's death, since his father’s cancer diagnosis, the lump that went as far back as the day Karofsky had grabbed his face and kissed him so violently – it made Kurt’s stomach roll even now, 3 years later – since the death threats, since the two schools in a semester transfers…His chest felt heavy, weighted. He wanted to shout after Blaine… to stop him… make him see.
He rested his arms on the table and leaned his head onto his forearms, exhaustion completely taking over.
"I will never forgive you for this…"
As much as it hurt, as much as it choked him, and much as it made him want to die there and then – just curl up into a ball and let the world find him tomorrow – he knew Blaine leaving was a good thing. Blaine hating him was a great thing. He’d give anything to be able to feel . But he was spending his time feeling numb and watching as his life passed him by while he choked on grief. And that was no good for Blaine.
Kurt couldn't bear the thought of Blaine being sad.
But he had to do what was right for him. Put himself first for once.
His anxiety had slowly gotten worse after Finn died. He could feel it clawing at his throat trying to make him scream. But no matter what he did, no sound ever came out.
Instead he made rash decisions like getting engaged (granted it wasn't a mistake , just rash), getting a tattoo, piercing his tongue, anything to just make him feel like life had a meaning.
Blaine helped. Helping Blaine helped. It was easy to lose himself in Blaine's problems, especially before he moved out of the loft. He could convince himself that he was just worried about Blaine and how they would work out their relationship issues rather than any of his own personal ones.
But as their problems resolved, as Blaine moved back in and Rachel moved out, Kurt had nothing to hide behind and he could feel his and Blaine's relationship ripping at the seams. Could hear the fabric of reality shredding around him.
The more he ignored it, the more his anxiety grew, and the more he realized he needed a way out. By that point he was so far under his messy emotions that he couldn't see an escape route, a way to stop the continuous voices screaming for dominance in his head as they told him he wasn’t good enough, or that nobody would notice if he was gone. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no escape from feeling like something was trying to crawl out of his throat and wrap itself around his chest.
He lifted his head from the table. The rain was still hammering down around him, echoing off the tent, and a waitress was smiling at him sympathetically.
"I'm sorry, sir…"
"It's okay." Kurt smiled and stood, holding out a 50, way too much for two glasses of water, but nowhere near enough for the trouble and drama he and Blaine had surely been.
She smiled softly at him. "Are you okay?"
"I always am." He offered her a small nod and walked away, heading back to the loft.