Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

December 19, 2022

5 days to christmas

Regulus regretted some things in his life, naturally like any 24 year old adult, but he believes that if he had to go back in time to fix a mistake, it would be to stop being friends with Barty while he still had time. He didn't like to hold a grudge, especially against someone so dear like Barty, but he and his friends had this problem — which wasn't really one for Regulus until the sixth year in a row that he'd been nagged about it.

Ever since Regulus turned 19, Barty had asked him the same question: "So, finally a date for Christmas?"

"Why do you always ask the same question on the same week of Christmas, like I've been hiding a boyfriend all this time and will announce him only when you ask?” Regulus kept his eyes on the tablet in front of him, his fingers quick on the portable keyboard connected to the electronic one.

"Well, do you?" Barty asked.

Regulus sighed, moved away from the table and took the opportunity to fix his bad posture, until he answered "No, Barty. I don't have a secret boyfriend."

"You should have." Evan joined the discussion, and as much as Regulus knew it was just to help his boyfriend, he still felt betrayed.

“Really, Evan? In front of my salad?" he asked dramatically.

“First,” Evan began as he got up from the table, picking up his tray, “You don't have a salad in front of you, you actually decided to study like a maniac instead of eating lunch like a normal person." He walked around the table, leaving his mind open to throwing things off the tray and putting it away to be cleaned. Calmly walking back to the table while having his friends' eyes on him "Second" he continued after noticing they were waiting "maybe it's good you go out with someone, Barty asks this to annoy you, but" a protest from Barty was heard next to him "I think you should give it a chance. We respect you if you don't want someone, but..." he shrugged his shoulders as if he didn't want anything "That doesn't seem to be the case."

He knew what they were talking about, and again, Regulus had some mistakes that he regretted during his 24 years, naturally. And as much as he was joking about the whole thing with Barty, this error was a separate case.

At the age of 14 he met James Potter, the latest problem that revolved around his brother. Sirius and Regulus had been estranged since the separation process between Sirius and the Black family had started, since Sirius was around 13, almost 14 years old. His parents were never around much, so it became very easy for Sirius to sneak out of the house and roam around, Regulus always opting to stay home. When his estranged uncle returned to town, it came as a surprise to his parents that Alphard wanted to adopt his brother — not for Regulus, he could see this happening a long time ago, ever since in an acidic comment his mother said his brother was back in town and his father muttered "that disinherited one?" so he came to the conclusion that he and his brother would get along.

Regulus was 24 years old and Sirius had lived with his uncle Alphard since they were 15 years old. Regulus wasn't lucky enough to be able to go along, his parents would never have agreed to that if they didn't have a substitute, and Regulus was that his whole life: a substitute. The brothers, already hardened by life, had grown apart even more, to the point where they only exchanged messages on commemorative dates — if they didn't forget about them too — and Regulus knew that Sirius studied at the same college as him, but it was difficult to see him around the institution and when he saw you was always surrounded by people.

But the thing is: at the age of 14 he met James Potter.

James was the type of person you couldn't ignore no matter what you did. And at 14 he was far less disciplined than he was currently, no strength in his body to ignore James and the stupid way he smiled or the way he always asked Sirius if Regulus could come to play too. Sirius had been a pain in the ass for a long time, mumbling about how they could play without his little brother bothering him because he wanted to have fun, not babysit, which the younger Black always took personally and to this day, he was on his toes about it. Every time Sirius wanted to spend time with him, he would ask as innocently as possible "Won't it be boring? Imagine having to babysit your little brother" which he knew was unfair, but he always had a bit of a sense of childish humour when around his brother.

But in smaller words: perhaps Regulus had fallen in love with James as a teenager. A small, harmless crush that lasted 5 years , but past hurts, Regulus grew out of it, matured, regardless of what his friends said he no longer harboured banal feelings for James other than the pure sympathy that had grown in him over the years.

Which apparently was difficult for his friends to understand.

"I already told you I don't like James like that." he repeated, for what felt like the 50th time a week, even though it was only the first.

“But you did.” Barty grumbled with a weak smile.

“Yes, and once I also mixed vodka and energy drink, but that doesn't mean I keep making that stupid decision.” he replied bitterly, his eyes returning to the tablet in front of him.

“Yes, because Dorcas yelled at you, asking if you wanted a heart attack.” Evan recalled.

"And now I need Dorcas to fight me to stop wanting something?" He lifted his gaze again, sweeping over the clear expressions of their friendships and the silence that followed his question. "Honestly, I loathe you all."

He got to his feet quickly, a harsh breath trapped between his lips as his friends looked guilty and glared at him. He thought about saying something, snapping back, telling Barty to go fuck Evan and stop bugging him, thought about telling them to leave him alone because he had a homework to turn in by the end of the day before they were dismissed from college, and it feels like his entire grade depended on this task, so a boyfriend was the least of his worries.

But he didn't, he opened his lips and closed them in an instant, the words dying on his tongue as he just gathered his things and left the cafeteria. Barty's voice in the background, calling for his attention, until it slowly died away into the distance.

Regulus' head ached from the stress as he walked across campus, he realised belatedly that maybe stress was the big reason for his bad mood from the beginning, that maybe he was so defensive the whole time because it was a bad day , and he was still learning to deal with them. Sitting under a tree in the shade and reviewing his work, he thought about how he should call Barty, apologise for the drama and buy him an ice cream, because his best friend was a lunatic who liked ice cream better in the cold weather than in the warmth.

“It doesn't melt as fast” is what he would say in his defence, as if that was a very good reason, but Regulus thought he just liked the feeling of having his brain freeze at inopportune moments. Regulus knows he needs to make it up to him, but sometimes Regulus feels very tired of being the big person in the conversation, sometimes he just wants to run away from his responsibilities again and not need to be an adult, he misses when he was a child and he could apologise like it was nothing, because he wouldn't keep all those emotions and he would feel like a ship adrift, being drowned by them.

He knows that's what Barty is: a menace on the best of days. But sometimes Regulus wants to run from it, run from this feeling that somehow he's losing something, that maybe Barty's jokes have a truth and he is late . It's almost Christmas, he's turning 25, and the last time that Regulus had a boyfriend was when he was 17, for 6 months, until naturally he noticed how he never felt anything. The hope of finally being different, as if this time something would change if he wanted it enough. Regulus sometimes has this feeling that he has something wrong with him, maybe broken.

“You should think less, you look ugly.” Pandora appeared from behind the tree, her body leaning and her face close to his, the minimum shock of seeing the girl appear suddenly.

“Sometimes I think you have vision problems, because that's the only way for you to think I look ugly.” he growled, a better smile already on his lips, as the older one sat down next to him.

"I don't always think you’re ugly, just sometimes." She shrugged, a weak laugh as she hugged her knees close to her chest. “Evan told me.”

“Gossipy.” he complained playfully, making Pandora look at him with a slightly more motherly expression.

“It's Christmas, you always fight more at this time.” and Regulus agreed, because they did, they always did “Have you called him yet?”

“No time, I need to finish this work.”

The thing is, Pandora knows that Regulus is lying, she knows that if she looks a little further to the side she will find the job done and three clicks away from being sent, she knows that Regulus is on the run and she knows that Pandora recognizes it. So for that she stands and holds out her hand, a familiar smile on her lips.

“Come on, let's walk, you need the sun.”

“Just because you have plenty of melanin doesn't mean everyone needs it too.” He chuckled as he gripped her forearm, both of them struggling to stay upright.

“Nonsense, you just haven't learned to appreciate the sun yet.”

So they went, regardless of Regulus's protests, which in time were forgotten at every step in comfortable silence. Pandora had known him since they were 14 and a very messed up mind and body, the two tallest kids in the room and somehow the two weirdest too. At the time he was still surrounded by anger and resentment, a selfish child scared of the world who didn't want to have any more reasons to be excluded, so he tried to push away the weird girl, who wasn't necessarily stubborn, just very charming, it was hard to ignore her after his big brother showed up and told him to be friends with his little sister. Brother who was a much smaller Evan than them, but a year older, a serious demeanour, as if he could get into a fight with Regulus and come out without a scratch, which maybe was the case, Regulus was never much of a fight .

Since then, Pandora and Evan have not left his side — and Regulus tried — and then Barty appears. Then Regulus understands that he is destined to be stuck with them forever. Which, if you asked him these days, he'd say doesn't seem like such a cruel fate.

"Did he ask again?" Regulus sighed at the question, answer enough for Pandora “But you really don't have anyone?”

“If I had, I'd already be throwing it in his face." he remarked sullenly, Pandora, unlike most, didn't laugh at first. She stopped in her step, keeping Regulus pinned to her side as he noticed they were close to the main campus pavilion “Dora, what-”

“Don't freak out.” she asked when interrupting the older one, Regulus' gaze followed where she pointed.

Right there, under his nose, right next to Pandora's pointed finger with her short but well-manicured nail, was a flyer. Perhaps your direct ticket to hell.

Fake date wanted for Christmas Eve! All paid, transport included

Just contact James Potter through this number

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Pandora Rosier, you've lost your mind if you think this is a good idea.” he started to pull his arm away from Pandora, who was trying to pin him down.

“But Reg, think about it, that solves so many problems.”

“It does?! It clearly looks like it's going to give me more problems.” they stood there staring at each other, a silence Pandora always fell into when she wanted to win at something. She simply stared at Regulus with her big blue eyes and hoped that something would enter his head that would bring her victory, but not this time “Pandora, no. It's James Potter.”

“Exactly! It's James Potter, you get a boyfriend for Barty's party and it's James Potter, the guy you've had a crush on for years.”

“God, I had a crush on him as a teenager!”

“For 5 years!” they fell silent again, arms crossed in twin fashion as they faced each other  “C’mon, what's the harm in trying?”

“Well, a few things: my dignity, my time, my life, because Sirius would definitely kill me if I showed up agreeing to fake date his best friend. That is, if he doesn't humiliate me.” he pointed out as he opened the fingers of his hand.

"I thought you guys had a good relationship these days."

“Good. I didn't say that I learned to perform miracles.” The blonde laughed briefly, Regulus' posture relaxing by reflex. She watched, as usual, and let her right hand rest on his arm, the same warm gaze she used when she wanted to pet Regulus, as if he were one of several cats she'd rescued from the street and placed in the house, hidden from Evan.

"Reg, just… try it, it doesn't cost you anything, and I'm sure Sirius is better than that."

Pandora could be correct. He had indeed built a better relationship with his brother since the death of their parents, since the inheritance had come into his hands at the age of 20 and Sirius hadn't spoken to his brother since he was 15. There was something delicate between them that could finally be healed. said aloud and laboured, 20 year old Regulus was too tired to fight, too tired to explain about how even after all these years the death of his parents still managed to affect him, how Sirius felt nothing but bitter happiness and regulus felt pain , as if something important really was going away.

His therapist said the abuse didn't preclude the fact that they were his parents and that Regulus spent too much time caring about their opinions for him not to miss them. Because yes, being friends with Dorcas gives you a free ticket to therapy, as if it were a prerequisite for staying in her life. Which was a big bullshit, because Barty really needed therapy and he refused every year, but Regulus accepted the idea and he's been doing it since he was 20, it started after 4 months of his parents' death, and then he noticed that, just maybe: he was a little fucked up in the head.

“It won't happen, Dora.”

The thing is: Regulus has a lot of trouble directing his thoughts to things that are not destructive . It had been at least 5 hours since he had said goodbye to Pandora after she gave up trying to convince him, sent his work with trembling hands and returned to his apartment without resolving with Barty. Faced with so many emotionally sensitive variables, he had focused his mind on a problem that didn't involve him getting better, so James was the choice of the night.

Perhaps one of the stupidest choices he could make, but still a choice . The truth was, his harmless crush on James didn't just go away, he didn't wake up one day and decide he was over his brother's best friend, it came with one piece of information and one very specific person: James was dating Lily Evans . Regulus is not the type of person who waits for a couple to break up just because he likes one of the people involved, he didn't wish anything bad for James and much less for Lily, so he did what any mature person would do, he overcame . Perhaps it took a little longer than he allowed himself to admit to his friends — and even to himself — but over time he left the silly crush of his adolescence behind and wished any and all happiness to James, with whoever he wanted to live that happiness. Yes, James was an important person in his life and occupied a lot of space in his thoughts growing up, things like that just don't go away, but if James doesn't want Regulus, what can he do about it? Anything . Regulus didn't intend to conquer James and he definitely didn't intend to cry for him in the corners.

But of course, a 19-year-old Regulus, who has just let go of his feelings for James Potter, never would hope that with 24 he would find a poster of the said saying he needed a date — false — for Christmas Eve. And Regulus didn't know Lily that well, but he was pretty sure she must be a pretty girl to take along at the end of the year festivities, so if James needed a false one, what the fuck had happened to to his true date?

Unfortunately, Pandora knew him very well, so well that she could only see right through him, so it wasn't a mere coincidence that the edge of the flyer was sticking out of one of the outside pockets of his college bag, just peeking out and piquing his cravings and curiosity. If one thing Pandora knew about himself is that Regulus is anything but a strong-minded, he is as much a prisoner of his desires and pursuits today as he was at fourteen. Maybe your lust for James at 24 is worse than it was at 14.

That's how he ended up at nine o'clock at night sprawled on his sofa, phone in one hand and pamphlet in the other, fingertips stuck next to James' phone numbers, rethinking his entire life and his choices up to that moment, ‘cause how desperate Regulus really was?

Quite, apparently.

RAB

Good evening, is this James Potter's number?

Potter

Hm, yes, yes, that's him

And you are?

RAB

I saw your flyer at school and wanted to know if the position has already been filled.

Potter

flyer?

What flyer?

I think you got confused, mate

And in the blink of an eye, Regulus managed to regret his entire existence. Okay, that was it, why didn't he think better of it? He knew James' friends, he knew his brother, this should have just been one big prank by the idiot Marauders to mess with James and now Regulus's stupid heart trembled for nothing. Maybe if he went through the vault at his family's home later today, he'd get an emergency ticket to Uruguay. Taking advantage of the fact that James didn't even have his number so he had no idea who he was, until the next day where he would inevitably confront his friends about the prank, he'd bring up the odd person who was interested in it — because who the hell is interested in that ?! — and Sirius would recognize the RAB in his name and he would find out it was Regulus, but it would be late and he would be on the other side of Uruguay, across the border.

Potter

OH

THE ONE ABOUT THE FAKE DATE?????

RAB

Yes. The one from Christmas eve.

Potter

Thanks to Hail Mary

I had already lost hope

This poster had been there for almost 2 months and no one seemed interested

RAB

Yes, it's a strange proposition.

Potter

But you seem interested

Another thing that Regulus has forgotten over time and distance is that one of the most attractive things about James is how fast he is. He has an answer for everything and always makes a simple sentence seem like a straight flirt. They used to say that he had an ego the size of the lake at the back of their winter home they went to when they were younger, but heart to match that size, but still a screaming ego, and Regulus thought that this particular thing was extremely attractive in James. He would see him flirt with other people and cross his legs in jealousy and excitement, because James always looked better when he knew he was good. He was the only one other than Sirius — who grew up beside him, so Regulus didn't count him — who managed to get quick answers to Regulus's constant bad mood, and all that with the smile of someone who feels he's won before the dispute even begins. .

Sometimes he fleetingly remembered how irritating everything about James must be given their distinct personalities, but he never found the strength to dislike anything about James.

RAB

So is the proposal real?

Potter

unfortunately it is

RAB

I thought you were dating someone.

Potter

Hm, yes, I used to date

But we break up

Sorry, but do we know each other? I have no idea who I'm talking to

Maybe it was Regulus's fault, a little slip in his curiosity. Where he wanted to play green, to harvest ripe, the only question is that now he looked like a stalker. Lily and James were a popular couple, but not so much , Regulus just cared more than most of the people.

RAB

We have a mutual friend.

No, they didn't .

Potter

Seriously? Who?

RAB

Lupin.

Potter

Remus Lupin?

RAB

The only.

Potter

I didn't know he had other friends besides us

Peter keeps telling him to find other people

But he says we've are enough of a headache

Regulus is not exactly close to Remus — he's never even met his brother's boyfriend — but he believes that Remus is just like that, exhausted from life for no particular reason, and with that he can empathise.

RAB

Yes, I don't like many people either.

Potter

seems true

But anyways, do you want to be the fake date?

RAB

That's why I got in touch.

What do I need to do?

Potter

Okay, I'd rather make an appointment first

You know, to debate and get to know each other a little

RAB

Why do you need to know a fake date better?

Potter

'Cause I'm not going out with a maniac

Moony would never stop talking about

RAB

Fair enough.

Do you want to meet now?

Potter

I think I can wait until tomorrow mister anxious

The red crept across Regulus' skin until it made its home in his cheeks, the cloudy feeling of shame rising in his chest as he noted how desperate he looked. He wished he could have an excuse, but probably the only thing he would have to say would be: it's James Potter. And he was already humiliated enough.

RAB

Ok, pardon.

Potter

Alright, it's cute to see you seem looking forward to it

RAB

I'm not anxious.

Potter

Not mister anxious then? Perhaps miss anxious?

RAB

You could have just asked me if I was a guy or not.

Potter

Oh no I don't care, just wanted to make sure your pronouns

Somethings I need to know from you

RAB

You know I'm Lupin's friend.

And yes, he/him.

Potter

I know, but it seems like a lie, because Moony doesn't have more friends than necessary

which are 3

Maybe 5 if you count Lily and Marls

RAB

3, after that it's on purpose.

Potter

So we are mandatory and girls by choice?

RAB

Looks like you're not the darling, Potter.

Potter

I'm always the darling!

 Regulus was grateful that some things apparently didn't change, like James' ego.

RAB

When will you want to meet?

Potter

Ah yes, it could be tomorrow, how about that?

RAB

Time, Potter.

Potter

10 am?

RAB

Sounds good. Want to meet at the college street coffee shop?

Potter

The one that's a bookstore too? It’s fine, I like it there

I think I know one of the owners

RAB

Great, tagged then.

Potter

Until then, stranger!

Fuck, Regulus had a date with James Potter.

December 20, 2022

4 days to christmas

In all his existing years, the youngest Black never imagined that he would wake up one day with the awareness that he was going to meet James alone to prepare his fake courtship. Of course, if he agreed to continue the plan after finding out who Regulus was, because he doubted he would. Pandora on the other hand had numerous reasons why she believed he would stay on board.

Dora

Because I know he will!

And she decided that was explanation enough and ignored the 5 messages in a row of pure confusion from the older one. Given this, there was also the small fact that he wasn't a morning person, quite the contrary, he hardly considered himself a morning person, but somehow he agreed to meet James at 10 am on his first day of college break. And he didn't have the smaller doubt that James was a morning person.

He discovered —more recalled— that James loves to do things in the morning. Unlike any reputation his brother had for being belated, Potter didn't seem to suffer from this affliction, because Regulus was early — always preferred it that way — but James was already there, sitting by a large window, a cup on the table and looking around the large space, seeming to peer over the section of books attached to the place.

As he stepped forward, unfastening the single button attached to his large overcoat, he stared at the sign hanging on the side of the establishment, over his head. In a fanciful rustic wooden font was written M idnight Coffee, a place that mixed a coffee shop with a bookstore, a place that Regulus guarded with a little more fondness than he allowed himself to admit. He walked into the air-conditioned room, considerably warmer than the cold december morning in London, the open space filled with shelves throughout the room with different books, earth tones and different plants throughout the room, with most of the furniture made of wood. The store was divided into two sections, to the right the cafeteria, which even a little small was cosy and with different sweets — which Regulus sometimes got lost choosing — and to the left the large bookstore, which also had an open staircase to a small second floor visible already at the entrance. Up ahead, like a bifurcation, there was the cashier's desk, which seemed to function more like a reception.

In it was the charismatic girl that Regulus tried very hard not to talk to, because she was genuinely nice and friendly, and he wasn't the best at making it clear that he wasn't one for conversation, but somehow he always ended up passing the front desk attentively, just to manage a brief hello to the tall lady. He knew from Pandora that her name was Ária and she was one of the owners of the establishment, the other person being a certain Éden, who spent most of their time taking care of the library. Pandora said that they hid there because they didn't like to talk much with people, but they was pleasant when they wanted to be, and Regulus could sympathise with that a bit.

Regulus walked past reception and gave the dark-skinned girl a brief wave, her large, affectionate eyes catching his presence and waving in the same excited way as usual, until they raised her eyebrows and seemed to remember something.

“Regulus!” They called to him a little louder, him not being so far away and able to turn around to see what was important. She made a brief gesture with their right hand, beckoning him closer.

“Um, hey?” he asked uncertainty. He knew he came there a lot, but he had no idea that she knew him.

"Pandora told me your name." she explained, as if they easily knew what her question was, the same weak, sympathetic smile.

"Okay," he replied, looking briefly around as he hid his hands in the pockets of his pants, "I'm sorry, but why did Pandora mention me?"

“Oh” she looked surprised “We're friends, she helped with some paintings around the cafe and she commented on you a few times and told me who you were, so I just connected the characteristics with the boy who always hangs out with her... You in this case.” they said as Regulus looked around, he could see simple and delicate drawings separated by the walls in wide and disconnected points, simple, but with a clean air, without too much disastrous information everywhere. Which didn't look like her friend's bright, colourful art, but looked like a paid job from her, he found it difficult for Pandora to accept money for some work she did for a friendship, but he thought the owners insisted. He noticed that the girl's tightly curled, short hair was tied back in two pompoms and filled with little butterfly clips, a hairstyle he always saw only Pandora wearing.

In the distance he saw a figure a little shorter than them approaching, coming from the library. A long dark green skirt trailing the floor as the person approached with head down and a book in hand. The eyes behind round glasses stared at the two present with brief confusion until they seemed to understand.

“Oh, Regulus.” apparently everyone knew Regulus, but he didn't know anyone. Perhaps one of the downsides of being Pandora's friend’s “I've got something for you.” They approached, tapped the thin book against their hand and when they stopped in front of the tallest one they held it out to him. The book with the reddish, limp cover falling into his hand.

“Okay…” he said, clearly confused. “What's that for?”

“Latin. Not your language in college?” they asked, his hands now hidden in what looked like pockets in their long skirt. Regulus briefly noted two tattoos below the barely visible collarbones that looked like hands from Adam's creation painting.

“Yes, it is.” the youngest reply confused, a small laugh was heard at his side, apparently from Ária who was watching the interaction.

“Pandora told me you were having trouble finding any good books on Latin to help you with your research. This one helped me a lot in my second semester, I think that's what you are.” Regulus bit off the comment that he was already on the third, it was irrelevant.

Regulus lowered his gaze and nodded as he moved the small book around in his hand, indeed, it looked a bit old, but Regulus was slightly pleased by the act of one of the owners.

“Right, thanks.” he thanked briefly, Éden shrugging “I'll read and see. How much is it?”

“Oh, it's on the house, don't worry.” Ária popped into the conversation again, her smile warm as she leaned against the table. Regulus frowned.

"She won't change her mind.” Éden replied, a “nope” then coming from Ária after their statement “You always come here and Pandora is a very good friend of ours. And besides, I was the one who got involved in your research, when we never spoke.”

“It's okay, I don't know many people who know anything about Latin books.” he grumbled, remembering how difficult it was for him to talk to his colleagues because of this feeling that he would be outwitted if he did.

“You'd like my wife then, I think he can find a book about anything, even Latin.” Éden commented with a brief smile, their face turned a little to the side, as if it were more of an occasional grunt than a contribution to the conversation.

“Okay, hmm. I need to go, but thanks so much for the book, I really needed it.” he announced when he remembered that however early he was, the hour was still ticking and he didn't want to keep James waiting any longer. End the disaster as soon as possible.

“No problem.” Éden replied, a curt nod, and turned their back as they walked back to the library, without any detours or farewells. Regulus appreciated that.

"See you later, Regulus." The older one waved briefly, the characteristic smile that somehow calmed the young Black.

Taking a deep breath he decided to go to the cafeteria. The eyes glanced around until they landed on James. The rare moment of London sunshine hit his dark curly locks and delicately illuminated his dark skin, he always looked good in the sunlight, as if he were a stray ray from the great star — sometimes as if he were the human embodiment of himself — and for many years of his silly passion it took his breath away. Well some things never seem to change . When he felt his stomach lurch and bile rise in his throat in a sour, burning stretch, he thought running is not an act of cowardice when it's just self-preservation, maybe he could turn on his feet, run outside and transfer from his college. Fuck Barty and his sour comments about Regulus not having someone, just because he had someone to fuck — which in Regulus's mind made perfect sense, but was a lie. Apparently in a panic he forgot that his other best friend, Evan, was a strict sex repulsed asexual, but oh well, he'd get away with it.

When he caught his breath, ready to turn on his heel and just walk away, the round brown eyes looked straight at him. His air was stolen and he just froze .

“Regulus!” James called to him excitedly, a large hand waving in his direction, as if he hadn't expected the youngest there.

What he definitely didn't expect, Regulus, you arse . He mentally cursed himself. The older one made a sign, a wordless request for him to come closer, which he did.

“Hey, baby Black.” he greeted, dragging the chair a little way beside him from the table, another silent invitation for Regulus to sit down.

“I don't like that nickname.” he grumbled, but sat down, the book being left on the table beside him.

“But you don't like any of my nicknames.” James complained, a pout on his lips. To his credit, that wasn't really a nickname James didn't invent. Marlene had come up with this one first, when he was about to leave elementary school and enter high school, finding out finally that her best friend Sirius had a brother he had never told her about.

“Maybe because you suck at them.” James laughed.

That was one of Regulus problems with James, the way he was himself and James didn't seem bothered by it, how he could be acidic and sarcastic and James would just laugh , openly, like it's a private fucking standup at your expense.

“What brings you here?” James asked, arms braced on the table as his gaze was intent on Regulus. The youngest swallowed hard.

“A date.” He watched something flash in James' gaze, but it was quickly erased by his animation.

“Me too!” he cheered, until he was frowning openly in confusion. "Well, sort of."

"Um, James?" he called in a weak voice, the shorter one lost in thought turning his attention to Regulus after a mumbled "hm?"

“Hm… I'm your date.

James was someone expressive, it was one of the things that over the years he'd seen girls and boys melt over, calling him a puppy for his sweet eyes and genuine reactions. Regulus thought he looked like a deer, especially at that moment, as he put the pieces together in his head and slowly came to the conclusion. Could it be that if he got up now he could run away without stumbling? Regulus wasn't very eclectic.

“ Bloody hell .” he heard James' breathless, surprised tone, the apology already on the tip of his tongue, begging to be said. Until James laughed , loud and panting. “Bloody hell!” he repeated, right hand tucked into his curls as he chuckled. "Sirius warned me of this and I thought he wanted to scare me."

Regulus frowned, feeling a bit offended. Was it really that bad going out with him? James seemed to have noticed, hands going forward, furiously denying with his entire body.

"No, no, no! That's not it.” he started to explain himself, as if he knew somehow that Regulus was thinking something bad “He told me that RAB were your initials, which... Come to think of it, I knew they were, but I said it was bullshit. He asked me if I knew who it was, and I said no, so he bet me €30 that it was you, and I bet €50 saying that was not you , because in every possible way, why Regulus Black would waste time being my fake boyfriend on Christmas Eve?” James recounted it all in one breath, arms waving in grand gestures as he spoke, looking around, not even noticing Regulus' listless expression.

“James.” the brown eyes returned to him, Black had to take a short moment to breathe. He hated how James really paid attention to people “I can leave if you want, and we'll pretend nothing happened.”

“Why would I want that?” James asked in confusion, but the one who was really confused was Regulus. Why the hell James would not want to forget about it? “I need a fake partner for Christmas and you're here, looks like everything's on track. Plus you're not a murderer planning to kidnap me, I already know you, everything seems to have stayed easier .”

He emphasised the word easy, eyes again distant as he shifted in his chair.

"Sirius will kill me if I do that." he pointed, looking like a final hope. James laughed.

“Actually… He kind of really wanted to be right, and not just for the money. I think he's hoping this will be like a romantic comedy and at the end we'll all come together.”

Regulus tried to contain his laughter, but before he knew it a loud laugh escaped his lungs and he quickly smothered it against the palm of his hand. James' eyes widened in surprise and then filled with amusement.

“Now what's so funny, baby Black?” the youngest hated that nickname, he thought he hated any nickname, but he was too happy with the joke to care.

"Sorry, but I think Remus finally managed to melt his brains out of having sex." he commented with extreme and obvious sarcasm, his voice a little raspy and breathy from his giggle session. James frowned, an expression of disgust.

“First, don't talk about my best friends' sex lives like that… It's weird. Second, is dating me really that bad?”

"I don't know, I've never done that, Potter.” he shrugged “and it's not an affair. Well, not a real one in this case, so it doesn't count.”

"So you don't think we're going to fall in love in the end after this?" Regulus arched an eyebrow, the two staring at each other.

"Do you want this, Potter?" he asked, James blushing at the tips of his ears like he had a lifetime. Regulus when younger dreamed of running the tip of his lips over the warm skin. Currently, that didn't have much of an effect on him.

“Uh, no… No, I don't think so.”

“Good.”

And they fell into an awkward silence.

Regulus expected this, the rejection. Maybe if he was younger it would have some effect and he would whine about how the boy he's falling in love with doesn't want anything to do with him, but then again, if it was the old days he wouldn't even be there in the first place.

A Regulus from 14 to 18 had a very elaborate image of James, that great unattainable figure, that only his brother could have the honour of having around. As if James was one step closer to his every wish, but as always his brother seemed more qualified than him. From 15 to 17 he thought James and Sirius were dating, perhaps so busy looking at Potter and convincing himself he was a bottomless pit, that he forgot to actually look at his brother and notice Remus Lupin — the which was ironic, because of his height he always made himself present in places — and from under his nose passed the information that both Blacks were completely in love by different people . 

He never wanted to compete with Sirius, he spent his whole life doing that, but there was this childish feeling inside him that sometimes made him wish to steal Potter from Sirius, sticking out his tongue like they were 5 again, taking Sirius' favourite toy and hiding it because he was being mean to him on purpose. At least that was until he was 18, coincidentally the same time he found out about his brother and Remus' relationship, and magically the urge to steal from James went away.

He believes it was the maturing, but sometimes he lets himself admit that he thinks he just wants to get back at Sirius for something he doesn't have the words to describe. Maybe for leaving and he had to stay. Maybe because his nice and loving uncle preferred Sirius to him, and he had to stay in a loveless house. Which he knew wasn't fair. Sometimes he wanted to believe that if he had an opportunity to run away from that place without looking back: he would. But he knows that's a lie, he's spent too much time with this feeling of loneliness, of loss, of abandonment at being left behind, to believe that he would do anything else but just sit and wait for Sirius too. That was part of him and his history, it shaped his view of the world too much for him to give up. That doesn't make Regulus any better, he knows, but sometimes he's petty and wants to believe that somehow did. As if he could be better than Sirius, as if he could go back in time and say he would never make the same mistake his brother did. And maybe he was right, but he just has no way of knowing.

Powerlessness is something that freezes Regulus to his very core. The idea of wanting but never being able to is nothing new to his mind, but it still makes his fingertips tingle with barely contained rage. Because what good is all his knowledge with age if he can't battle his demons himself? Sometimes Regulus is tired of growing up, of learning and having to deal with things like an adult, that he can't just sit back, cross his arms, scowl and hope the feeling goes away or he eventually forgets, he learned from difficult way that even the smallest of things can perpetuate with you.

Maybe that's why he decided to continue that madness. Maybe that's why he looked at a crestfallen James playing with his hot chocolate spoon — he remembered that James hated coffee, it made him sleepy — and decided he was going to do this. Maybe because he matured and learned a thing or two from life or maybe because he could do something with that feeling of wanting the past and find out what would become of him. He can't go back in time and battle all of his demons before they get to him, but he might find out what it is about James that troubles his brain to this day, if he's really just a spoiled brat who wants the same gifts as his brother, or if he learned to be better than that. Regulus almost wants to pray that it's the last.

“Let's do this.” he spoke after he lost his gaze on James' right hand, his turbulent eyes meeting a pair of emotions in the older one as he connected their gaze.

"Do you really want to be my fake boyfriend?" he asked uncertainty.

"Want is a very positive word, Potter, but I think it doesn't hurt to try." he shrugged, propping his elbows on the table as he shifted in his chair to sit better “But it's depressing enough that I came all this way conscious what I was getting myself into, but it's pretty depressing that you even have to do this. So I guess that's my Christmas good deed.” He shrugged, a sarcastic gaze returning to James who barely contained a smile. "And stop that face."

“What? But it's my face.”

“Then I think you'd better get another one if we're going to do this.” and James chuckled, of course “Ok, let me know then why I need to be your fake boyfriend for now.” the word boyfriend and the idea of it being something of James if not only Sirius's brother had a taste in his mouth and down his stomach, he still didn't know if it was bitter or so sweet it was sickening.

He watched as the tips of James' ears flared again, eyes moving back and forth as he spoke.

“Well, I just don't want to worry them, you know?” he began, his right hand brushing the back of his neck as he rubbed the spot. Regulus frowned as he pretended to look at the menu. He already knew what he was going to order, the usual, a caramel macchiato.

“ Who?” he asked without looking up.

“My parents.” James shrugs.

“Why would that happen?” he asked, eyes still on the menu, having already noticed that none of them really liked eye contact while talking.

"Cause on the last break I say I might marry Lily?" James replied in a distant tone, as if he were manually pulling from memory. "Well, of course, until the whole lesbian thing comes up."

Regulus stopped, the menu in his lap and his face raised towards James, eyes and lips open, as if trying to process that information. James was his age, well a few months older, he was already 25, if he did the maths right it would show that James wanted to marry Lily at age 23? He knew they'd broken up by the end of last year, Lily having openly come out as a lesbian and that answered any and all questions. The only question Regulus' brain is still processing is: who gets married at 23?!

“Holy shit, James.” he replied in a breath, drawing the attention of James, who looked confused.

“What?”

“Who gets married at twenty-three?!” he asked in exasperation, his hands open.

“Hey! I'm not ashamed to love and see a future with someone.” he pointed his finger towards Regulus, defending himself. Regulus sighed, what else did he expect from James?

He knew that James did everything with his heart, sometimes too much. He always had a smile around the corners, he carried his heart on his sleeve as if it were an extra card, rather than a long shot, he saw no danger in being honest and passionate as he was and that sometimes crawled under Regulus' skin.

“People marry young.” he defended himself again, the youngest laughed dryly.

"Nobody gets married that early."

“Ária got married at 23.” Regulus frowned, making it clear that he was confused about who it was “One of the owners here, the pretty girl at the front desk. She got married when she was 23.”

“How do you know?”

“I'm a friend of her husband's.” He shrugged and the younger nodded briefly, the silence returning as James looked away.

Who was Regulus to say anything about weddings, right?

"But then what's the big deal?" Regulus asked, the menu left under the table as he crossed one leg over the other “Are they homophobic? Because if so, I don't think I'm the best option.”

He knew they weren't, he knew Mr and Mrs Potter superficially, but the little he knew about them was that if Orion and Walburga were on one side, they were on the other automatically, and Regulus really didn't know anyone as phobic as possible. about anything other than his parents.

"God no, I came out for them when I was 13 and they've known about Sirius for a long time, they definitely aren't. It's just… They want me to get married soon.” he shrugged, pausing briefly to drink the hot chocolate while shrugging his shoulders with a wistful smile on his lips hidden by the white cup “They met young and I think they always wanted this for me, as if I could have a life without any concern, financial, loving, psychological, everything in the best possible way. So they were really happy when I found Lily at 16 and started dating her at 20, something about soul mates and I didn't have to worry about anything, so I... I didn't worry .”

“Until your soulmate found out that was a lesbian and you're a cis man.” he commented without much tone, but clearly ironic, James laughed anyway.

“Basically.”

Regulus took advantage of the silence to quickly get up and order at the counter, quickly returning to the table with a question on his lips: "And do I look like a good candidate for this?" he knew it was a little presumptuous to ask that because he knew that he was the only option .

But James looked him up and down after he sat down. A sly smile on his lips, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, and he would be lying if he said he'd become immune to that up-to-date look that James carried in his pranks, so childish in a 25-year-old but so characteristic that was nostalgic. He knows he can't, because he hasn't lost James — he never had him — and he's smiling the same way he always did all those years ago, but the feeling felt very close to nostalgia in his chest.

“Well, I guess you work.” he said in a playful tone. Something fluttered in the pit of Regulus's stomach, the line between teasing James' supposed desire or his dismissal of him. Work . He bit off the comment about it working for a lot of things that would have James on his toes. It wasn't necessary and that wasn't the kind of relationship he had with James, not that he wanted to, of course.

"I'm touched, Potter.” he said sarcastically, James' eyes widening a little.

“Not saying you're a bad fit or not…marriageable enough, I'm sure you are. I'm sure many people would marry you, even if I had to, I would gladly do it. I didn't mean it that way, well, it wouldn't be a bad fate, but that's not what we're dealing with right now, but it kind of is, but it's just dating... False! Affair false .” he said it all in one breath, so frantic and fast that Regulus couldn't even accompany his words, he believes he lost context after hearing the word marriageable and just sat there amazed at the information thrown in.

“James.” the eldest raised his eyes, guilt in the shadow of them “It's okay, I don't need a note from you about how marriageable I am.”

James muttered muffled against his hands, a groan of embarrassment, until he looked through his fingers at Regulus's excited face, who couldn't even hide his satisfaction with the older's clumsiness.

“I don't know how I forgot about that.” he growled, his hands pulling away, and as much as his cheeks didn't give it away, his ears were burning red.

"Forgot what?" he asked, his coffee being placed in front of him and he thanked the waitress with a small wave.

"That your hobby is being mean to me." he replied after the waitress had left, and Regulus laughed in a low tone so as not to call attention to himself.

“Am I mean to you?” Regulus brought the cup to his lips, tasting the contents and deciding that it lacked sugar.

“Most of the time! 90% of it, the other 10% is when you don't talk to me.”

“Don't be like that, James.” Regulus sat back, stirring the coffee with a small spoon, the same smug smile “I'm mean to you 10% of the time, the other 90% I don't even speak with you.”

James slowly smiled, the laughter growing as he seemed to remember that of course, Regulus is like that , a threat in the best cases.

"So your old men are conservative?" Regulus continued, taking another packet of sugar and placing it.

“No, they're not. At least I don't think so.” he shrugged thoughtfully, his eyes running over Regulus' hands “I think if I never got married they wouldn't care, it's just a matter of- I'm sorry, but are you trying to overdose on sugar?” he interrupted his speech, Regulus froze in place, as he stopped putting his third packet of sugar and James was staring at him with his brows furrowed in confusion.

“It's bitter.” he defended himself for no reason, dumping the rest of the sugar in the packet at once.

“How is a caramel macchiato bitter?” James asked in a thinner tone, as if the taste of Regulus physically bothered him.

“I like sweet things, okay? Stop judging me.” He pushed Potter away with his hands in the air, who chuckled lightly at the younger's defensiveness. James had it in him, every time Regulus spent more time around him, he got into these silly arguments with no excuses. Regulus hated it.

“Then you will love me until the end of this fake relationship.” at the end of his sentence he widened his eyes, the doubt about whether it was acceptable to flirt with his best friend's younger brother being clear in his large eyes.

James seemed to have that problem. the way he sometimes flirted or teased Regulus casually, and about 3 minutes later he panicked about his morals. Apparently staying away from him was a special request from his brother, who had slowly moved from a place of contempt to a place of zeal, as if somehow James Potter could break his heart. Idiot, at the very least. So James always ran when he noticed that he flirted so naturally with Regulus, that for the sake of any interaction between them, he let it go and pretended it never happened.

“About the relationship, what do you need?” he quickly changed the subject, the coffee finally being drunk and pleasing his palate.

“Not much, just…” he paused as he seemed to mentally count “So, my mother is brazilian, she moved to London when she was 13 and met my father when she was 16, who is also an immigrant, but Indian” Regulus nodded, paying attention, even if I didn't know what the context was for “so they have this tradition. In Brazil, Christmas eve it's more important than Christmas. We do everything on the 24th and on the 25th it's just a leftover lunch. She prepares all day for the evening party, drinks, talks and everything, and midnight is when presents are opened and dinner is served… Well, depending on the age of your family as well. When we spent time with my grandparents, dinner was around 10 pm, because my grandmother was diabetic and had to eat earlier, you know, the usual.” Regulus nodded again when James' eyes turned to him quickly, leaving the older to just speak “So I needed the fake date for dinner on the 24th, since the 25th I'm going to spend it with my friends. A Hanukkah party organised by Remus and Lily, because the last day of the holiday will be the 26th, but Remus is going to visit his parents with Pads.”

"Remus is Jewish?" Regulus interrupted, the hot cup warming his hands. James lifted his head, eyes wide, as if that would help him focus.

“Hm, yes. Him and Lily.” He nodded, pressing his lips together as if he were still thinking.

"So you need me to go to dinner with you and your parents on the twenty-fourth, huh?" James nodded slowly.

“Yes. It's dinner, but it's… I don't know, our party. We stay there until midnight, talking, eating snacks and sometimes helping my mother finish supper. Pads will also be there. Pads and Moony.”

"Remus and Sirius?" Regulus knew the nicknames, grew up around them, but liked to ignore them “Peter won't?” he couldn't say because he felt the need to ask.

“No no. Pete's family is very Catholic and big, so he always spends the eve with them until the morning of the 25th to take care of everything and his sisters and returns to Remus' house in the afternoon to help finish packing.”

Regulus nodded, a slight murmur of agreement, as he noted how easy it was for James to just speak .

“So…?” the brunette asked hopefully. Regulus wanted to ponder, but he already had his answer from the moment he scheduled this meeting.

“I'm in.”

December 21, 2022

3 days to christmas

Waking up with the knowledge of what he had done the day before was heavy… Or it could just be Pandora on top of his body, at 10 am on a Wednesday.

“You accepted? He accepted? How was it?”

Pandora was someone very brave, also exceptionally intelligent, but Regulus was questioning the state of her sanity for her to suddenly wake Regulus in fright so early.

“I'm going to give you 3 seconds to get off of me before I make you eat the spare key I gave you.” he threatened, and with a grunt the blonde got off him, the air returning to Regulus' lungs much more naturally.

"Putting it like that sounds like you hate my presence." She grumbled as she crossed her arms, Regulus dragged himself to sit on the bed, with his feet off the mattress, touching the cold carpet.

“It's an emergency key, Dora.”

“Find out if you got into a relationship with your decades-old crush It is an emergency.”

“Fake. Fake dating.”

"So you did?" She walked closer, pale hands open on Regulus's thighs as she approached. He had a theory that she did it just to be boring , growing up with Evan apparently gives you a free course in how to be insufferable.

“Yes, I agreed.” and she skipped across the room as Regulus sighed, clearly too soon for him to even be speaking.

After this, Pandora calmed down, knowing his friend's limits and how far she could really go without getting on his nerves. She walked out of the room and went to prepare breakfast for a sleepy Regulus, who went to take a shower to start the day. Second day of your vacation and a madwoman woke him up by jumping on top of his body. When he returned presentable to the room, the table was already set. Fried eggs, two vegan sausages and toasted bread. Next to the plate was what he might assume was hot chocolate, a truce message for breaking into his apartment. Pandora knew how to play.

He sat down in front of the blonde who was already finishing the rest of her fried mushrooms, the juice half finished, as she hummed with each bite, a brief glance at Regulus analysing the situation.

"So you accepted?" a brief nod from Regulus, who started to eat and didn't want to answer more than nods or grumbles “And he didn't have any problems when he found out it was you?” he denied. "So you're his fake boyfriend for a while?" Regulus nodded, raising his finger to signal a day. Pandora frowned. "For a day?" He nodded again and she nodded in agreement. "Did you guys talk about boundaries?" he finally raised his face towards the blonde, who was leaning back on the chair and the juice in her hands, she noticed his confusion “You didn't talk about what you want?”

“He wants a fake boyfriend for Christmas Eve and I don't want anything from him." the brunette defended himself, going back to eating little by little.

"You don't want anything from him?" he denied it again "Not even him going to Barty's Christmas party and you say you have a boyfriend and still the guy he pissed you off for liking?" ok, maybe he needed James for something.

"Maybe for that." he murmured, and Pandora smiled triumphantly.

“But seriously, you should call him or something and set up a date." She shrugged as she crossed her legs, Regulus' face contorted.

"Why do I need to go on a date with him?"

"Not a date date , but a meeting , Regulus." she emphasised the word, rolling her eyes "You know, when you go out to meet with someone and to talk with them."

"Why would I do that?" she sighed for a long time, her gaze returning to Regulus who had the fork with the sausage a few centimetres from his mouth.

"Because you need to get to know each other!"

"I know him. Since I was 14, by the way."

"No, you were introduced to him when you were 14, you never really talk." Pandora got up and collected her plate and glass, going into the kitchen to clean them up. The apartment was small, so the living room, dining room and kitchen didn't really have a big divide, so they continued to talk.

"Sirius talks about him so much when we occasionally hang out that I feel like I know him." he grumbled, Pandora quickly appearing in the kitchen doorway and walking towards him with a dishtowel, drying her hands.

"You don't know James If you heard through Sirius's mouth. He idolizes that guy, I'm sure James isn't all that nice." Regulus doubted. His brother was quite dramatic, but he just added to what was already there, and with James he was exceptionally dramatic. He believed Pandora knew this, because she always knew better about those things.

"Okay, I'll call him then." he muttered as he removed his cell phone from the fabric shorts he was wearing. It took about 5 rings before James answered.

" Hello?" a thick, drawling voice asked from the other end, he pretended he didn't see Pandora laughing at the red that spread across his face.

“James? Did I wake you up?" He didn't know why he asked, why he pretended to care, but he did anyway.

" No no. It's okay, I was already awake. It's Regulus, is it? Sorry, I couldn't read the name without my glasses." he explained and Regulus nodded into the void. He was sleeping, James never took his glasses off.

“Yes, it's Regulus. I wanted to ask if we can meet today." He heard the surprised noise on the line and then a loud noise. “James?" he called.

" Sorry! I accidentally dropped the phone, go ahead. Do you want to go out, right? What time?" hastily he amended the questions, the brunette took a deep breath before continuing.

"Yes, I think it's good that we meet to discuss about…" he left it open, as he watched Pandora and asked her for help. She signed “boundaries” "Boundaries and …" she signed again “the history of the relationship" "The history of … Of our relationship … False, false relationship . " Pandora gave him a thumbs-up "And I also need to ask you something."

" What could Prince Regulus want from me, a mere commoner? " James joked, and Regulus figured if he was asked that question at the age of 16, he would have a lot of answers. Good thing he was 24 now.

“I'll tell you personally." he dropped the subject, briefly put the cell phone aside and looked at the time "it's 10:30 am now, do you want to meet out for lunch?"

"S ure, looks good ."

"Okay, noon then we'll meet at the two life ."

" The downtown vegan restaurant?" he asked confused, Regulus nodded at nothing again.

“Yes, James. I'm vegetarian."

"Oh! I didn't know that… It's definitely a good thing for us to meet to find out about that. Imagine if I arrived and didn't know that my boyfriend is a vegetarian… " he was going to start babbling, Regulus knew that, and he didn't see a problem, but he had to interrupt.

“False."

"What?"

"False boyfriend."

"Ah, hm, right. False."

Regulus didn't know why he had this need to remember, he didn't know if it was James who seemed to constantly forget that fact or he who needed to remind himself of this stupid question. But he would do it every time if necessary.

"Okay, I'll meet you there then." he said goodbye after the strange silence, even before James finished his speech, Regulus had hung up.

Pandora was looking at him with a smile, as if she was forcibly swallowing a laugh.

"He didn't know you were a vegetarian?"

"Shut the fuck up, Dora."

Regulus was half an hour in advance. He had this whole ritual of getting to places early, checking out the place, looking at the menu and making sure he didn't have to wait that long for his food to arrive. This was something that a first date apparently wasn't attractive , he was asked if he had been waiting a long time, and he would say yes, because he arrived half an hour early, and people didn't seem to like that very much. He always picked the places, because no one would follow his short list of places that didn't make your head spin. So in the end he looked like a controlling lunatic . But Regulus didn't believe that anyone would want to deal with his bad mood because the light in the place was too low, and he wasn't naturally the nicest friendly person in the world, and under these conditions it was even less.

Luckily, he knew Two Life, and he liked the place a lot. He already knew what to order — what he always ordered, every time he went — he already knew the place he wanted, and the restaurant was still filling up. He was able to sit at the table by the back window, which overlooked a small conservatory, the friendly waiter who already knew him — and he was pretty sure he had hit on Pandora the several times he'd come here with her. — wrote down his order with a curt “the usual?” and like every other time: he smiled satisfied and said yes. When James arrived it was 15 minutes before noon, and Regulus was surprised that he was someone who arrived early.

"Did you wait long?" James asked as he sat down in the chair across from him, removing his dark red scarf.

“Not much, actually.” and it was strange to say that, because he was always there for some time “I arrived about 15 minutes ago.”

"Hasty, isn't it? Sirius said you were quite anxious.” He raised his eyebrows in a light laugh. Regulus took it personally.

"I'm not anxious!" he was “I just think early is on time, on time is…”

“…Late and late is a “no need to come”. James interrupted him and dictated the line as he removed his coat and put it behind his chair, Regulus stared at him in shock “Sirius repeated this about 50 times every time I was late. He kept saying how you were kind of crazy about schedules and he always said that.”

“He hated it when I did that.” he said, with a regret he hoped was covered up.

“Not so much. He's not that different from you.”

"So you're always late?" he desperately wanted to change the subject.

“Yes.”

"And why was I the exception?"

“I'm sure you're very attractive when angry, but I don't think I want to piss off my boyfriend anytime soon.” He smiles, wide, a joke that Regulus ignores.

“Fake.” he pointed out.

“Yes. Fake. I still remember, Reggie, I still remember.”

“What was this?” he questioned in alarm, James looking around in confusion.

“What?”

“That nickname.”

"What nickname?" he furrowed his eyebrows well, until he raised them in surprise “Ah! Reggie?”

“That. Do not do that again. It's catastrophic.” he watched James' haggard expression.

"But you didn't like Reg, and I didn't have anything else." he muttered, Regulus just rolled his eyes.

"That's because I don't-"

"Should I call you love, then?" James cut him off, the brunet almost choking on his words to the point that his eyes widened. He could feel his cheeks gradually burning, a motherfucking grin on the older's expressions.

“Don’t. You. Dare.” he said through clenched teeth, the words punctuated as he glared at a smug James. He guessed his cheeks made his tone lose its acidity.

“Excuse me, the juice you ordered.” the waiter that Regulus even knew the name of because he was the same one that always served him, put the juice on the table and smiled in his direction.

“Thank you, Eduardo.” he smiled a little smaller in the direction of the waiter, who left with a brief wave. James surveyed the scene with an arched brow. "What?"

"Why is the waiter flirting with my date?" Regulus laughed softly, surprised by the elder's boldness.

“First, he wasn't flirting with me, I always come here. Second, it's not a date, we just need to create a story.”

"You come here all the time and he treats you this way always?" Regulus nodded “He's hitting on you.”

“James- Oh, okay. That's not the point, we need a story.” he nodded, still looking annoyed. He clearly remembered Eduardo flirting with Pandora, not Regulus.

"I asked you out." he shrugged, being far less happy than he normally was. As irritating as Regulus claimed to be, the lack felt strange on his skin.

“It can't be that simple.” Regulus announced, James was rummaging through the menu and furrowed his brows in confusion, not looking up.

“Why not?”

“Because it's me, James. I'm complicated, a simple “I asked him out” won't work, my friends will notice from afar that it's fake.” James finally looked up, his brows even deeper in his face.

"Why are your friends knowing a problem? This theatre is just for my parents and Moony and Pads already know.”

“ Oh… ” the youngest murmured, his voice dying as he noticed that he still hasn't proposed “So… About that, hm.” he took some juice “Remember I said I had a proposed?” James nodded. "So..." he took a deep breath again, he could feel the red creeping up his collarbones "Barty's kind of a big motherfucker when he wants to be." he decided to ignore the brief "don't tell me" comment much more sarcastic than he was used to seeing James being “and he has this thing about making fun of me for not having anyone for Christmas, since it's-” He cut himself off, James' eyes intent on him, confusion creating out of nowhere, “Since it's mine birthday.”

“Your birthday it’s on Christmas?!” James dropped the menu and gripped the edge of the table beside him, eyes wide and a giant grin growing. Regulus hated it.

“Yes, please don't make a big deal out of this.” he waved his hand, as if he could physically push the subject away.

“No, no. It's a big deal, you were born on Christmas!” and just as quickly as he was gone, the excited James was back, looking over the moon at that brief bit of information.

“Okay, whatever-”

"Why did Sirius never tell me? He loves birthdays,” James cut him off again, starting to babble and get lost.

“Sirius hates birthdays.” harsher words than he intended escaped his lips.

A silence fell between them, the different eyes staring at each other with even more different emotions. Sirius hated birthdays, right?

“No, he doesn’t.” James defended, his body backing up a little. He had this weird thing about showing some emotion with his whole body.

“Yes, he does.” he bit back, because it was natural.

“Reggie, he literally plans every birthday party and tries to plan even his own.” James waved his hands wide, doubt clear on his face. Regulus' expression closed.

“We never celebrated our anniversary, we didn't like it.” He crossed his arms, all his walls up as he tried not to think about how he'd never really known Sirius after that house. Maybe he never met Sirius inside his own house.

“Uh. That's weird.” James cut the subject short, and it was a mistake, he should have known it was.

“You don't have to change the subject just because I made a fool of myself by not knowing such stupid information about my own brother.”

Luckily for James, Regulus' food arrived and only then did the older man realise that he hadn't even chosen one for himself. The waiter tried to flirt with Regulus again, but his closed expression didn't prove to be successful, James took advantage of the silence that would follow and placed his order.

“I didn't mean to imply that you don't know something about your own brother.” he said in a low tone, looking away as Regulus ate.

"It's not an insinuation when it's true, Potter.”

And the silence returned. Regulus didn't know how to finish him off, in his head he ran with all the ways he was a disaster and constantly lowered his own level when he was with James, like a petty, childish emotion, creeping in since he was 14 and James smiled and he felt his heart stumble a little. The same feeling of seeing Sirius leave, but his brother never going through the same loneliness as him. Sometimes he thinks that there was a James missing in his life, that maybe that was the difference and that's why Sirius healed better than him.

He knows it's bullshit, he sees it in the way Sirius still aches countless times over things he refuses to look at. He knows he never spoke of his grief when their uncle died, the uncle who gave him a new life, they are torn apart by life, but at different ends. Regulus cannot assume that someone is doing well just because he is doing worse.

James is not to blame, but if he can't blame himself, who else will he? Dead people do not stir when their names are cursed in the middle of the night by angry tears. He knows why Sirius left and it's not fair to blame someone else for making a decision you did not want to. It wasn't Sirius's job to save him, and it never will be James's, but sometimes he wishes it could have been. Because now he has work to do and he can no longer sit back like he's 12 and Sirius is going to show up to clean his wound, he needs to look at this 25 year old James, embarrassed and a little resentful of Regulus's rudeness, and do something about it. He believes that the hardest part of growing up is that you realise that you will never stop making mistakes, no matter how hard you try, but you are the only one responsible for cleaning up your mess. Regulus hates messes, but he keeps making them.

“Sorry.” he murmurs, so far removed that James raises his eyebrows in surprise and confusion. "It's still complicated."

"I know..." James stopped his sentence, noting Regulus's frown at his words "Okay, I don't know on the skin, but I grew up with Sirius and a little bit with you, I know what it's like for you guys, I would never imply that , Regulus.”

“I know… I let myself go, sorry.”

“All good.” but Regulus doesn't feel like he is. That's the thing about apologising, Regulus doesn't think they work, he never feels better apologising, he just gets that weight of knowing he was wrong, and he could have tried not to be "What favour do you need?" now he feels stupid to ask .

“Nevermind” he shrugs, he can still feel the shame trying to seep into his cheeks.

“No, seriously, you can tell me.” said James openly, a faint smile as he left his hand under the table, open. All of James was one big symbol, all of his actions seemed to carry meaning and symbolism. Even the simple act of leaving an open hand on the table, as if calling for Regulus and buying his honesty.

Regulus cannot deny that, not now at least.

“Barty has this Christmas party on the twenty-fifth. It's not really a birthday party, because I don't like celebrating” he emphasises that he now knows it's his problem. Maybe Sirius knows too and that's why he never talks about birthdays with Regulus “so he throws a Christmas party. I guess it's just a great excuse to throw me a party, but I can't complain because he might just say it's a Santa party.” James chuckles, and Regulus feels a little more relieved than he wants to admit for this “Pandora gave this idea.”

"Does Pandora know?" James asks, oddly surprised.

"Of course, she came up with the idea. Then-”

"She what?"

He then notices, perhaps a little too late, that he hasn't really explained where this whole idea emerged . He finds it odd to have to explain about Barty's humiliation and how accidentally his best friend took him to that flyer and he decided after almost no prodding from her to accept it. James knows he went for it, knows he did it all knowing who he was, but there's something shameful about admitting someone gave him the idea and he went with it.

“She was the one who showed me the flyer, and that's beside the point, and I don't want to talk about it.” he punctuated quickly, James' hands rising in surrender, completely silent. “Excellent. Continuing. Barty's having this party on the 25th and he's been bugging me about not having anyone for a while… Pandora came up with the idea of… You, coming with me to the party. So… So he will shut up naturally and not because Evan has his tongue in his mouth.” James made a face, as if he had accidentally imagined the scene, Regulus laughed, as if to say "I know, right?"

“Well, I definitely do. It's your birthday, I can't deny you this gift, the only thing is… The 25th is Moony's party.

"Fuck yes, I forgot!" He tapped a clenched fist lightly against his forehead, a little frustrated.

“I totally would, I'd pay anything to see Barty Junior speechless, but it's important to Moony and Lily, and it's our tradition.” he ran a hand over the back of his neck, a slight red in his ears that Regulus caught.

“Clear. Yes yes. No need to worry, I completely understand.”

"But maybe we can find another way for you to rub it in his face?" James asked hopefully. Regulus sighed with a slight and forced smile.

"No, it's okay, James.” he shrugged, putting the forks away as soon as he finished his meal “No need to worry about that, I'll deal with Barty.”

“But if-”

And before James could finish his sentence Regulus' quiet ringing sounded, classical music coming from his bag as he looked around in confusion.

“Excuse me, just a minute.”

Regulus got up and went to answer the call quickly, barely looking at who it was.

“Hello?”

"Oh you little shit, where are you?"

Barty, of course.

“I'm going to hang up.”

“No, no! You promised you'd go shopping with me for the party on the 25th. You know, Santa's birthday.”

The thing was, Regulus did. He promised this every year, and it was almost a tradition, and he was never late, but Regulus had nothing to do at this time of year either. Until James arrived.

“Shit. Ok, yeah. I'll meet you in 20 minutes.”

“ 20 minutes? Damn, are you fucking or something, dammit?”

“Bye, Barty.”

He hung up quickly, a weak sigh leaving his lips as he returned. At the table James waited, apparently finally able to eat.

“Uh, hey. Sorry, but I'm going to have to go. I had an appointment with Barty and I completely forgot.” James looked up with his large doe eyes, nodding as he rose quickly to his feet.

"Sure, sure, no problem, you can go."

Regulus grinned, moving to pick up his bag and looking at James awkwardly.

"I'm really sorry to have to leave so suddenly, you can't even eat."

“Don't worry about it, I like it here and the food looks great, I'm sure I'm in good company.” he blinked, Regulus decided to ignore. But James looked around, a low comment slipping out, "And at least I won't have to see that waiter flirting with you."

"James, he wasn't flirting with me."

“You're so smart about some things and so absent-minded about others, Reggie.”

“Stop with that nickname.” he asked, with no bite to his tone, James chuckled. "We can meet tomorrow and finally talk about boundaries, ok?"

“Right. It could be at my house.”

Regulus stopped for a moment, surprised by the request and not even able to think about being at James' house.

“Hm, sure. Give me the address later.”

“Alright.”

“Okay, see you later.”

“See ya.”

Regulus gave a weak wave, a brief moment of silence between them as they stared at each other, until he had the decency to finally leave.

Maybe today he was finally going to kill Barty.

He was definitely going to kill Barty. Aside from him being late — as Regulus didn't know why, because why would you be late for something that apparently you were already there? — he was simply gone. And he guessed it had something to do with Evan and mouths working.

Evan and Barty didn't have sex — it wasn't a subject he wanted to know about. More or less. He and Evan had long talks about asexuality and Barty was just being overly honest — but he knew Barty had a soft spot for kisses and Evan was too weak to hold any affection, even belatedly. So he could have spent more time with James instead of standing in front of the start of London's central street to shop while his best friends are making out.

"Reg, hey!" he heard Evan's voice in the background, a simple smile as he approached. The bastard looked beaming.

"Hey, did you get lost in Barty's mouth?" he muttered crossly, Evan's smile widening as his cheeks seemed to redden slightly. Until he started laughing, remarkably.

“How do you know?”

“It's Barty, I've been dealing with you guys for enough years to know why you'd take so long.” Regulus crossed his arms and shrugged, the anger already gone.

“Don't mind him, love, he's just jealous.” Barty, annoyingly, showed up.

He didn't wait much longer, just walked in front of Regulus, hand extended behind him as he beckoned to call him. Which Black followed, because it was the only entrance, not because Barty called him.

"Evan isn't coming along?"

“Evan is busy with some nerd stuff I haven't paid attention to.” he shrugged, a simple movement as he started to enter the large store.

The Weasley Festivities was the name of the holiday store they'd known since they were just teenagers at one of the big, expensive schools in town. He knew that to an extent the Weasleys were not so distantly related to his family because of a relative of his who had married Arthur's father, which Regulus didn't know the name of because his family was extremely dramatic and simply banned she from the family, he didn't even know if she was an aunt sister of his father or a strange cousin that his family had. Since the shop had been passed to Arthur, his parents hadn't been through it, which he was kind of grateful for, it would be weird meeting his possible aunt. He imagined introducing himself and just saying "hey, nice to meet you, I'm your nephew from the dramatic family that threw you out" and he couldn't think of any version that those words wouldn't lead to him being expelled from the shop, a little revenge from her aunt.

Inside the store, at the checkout, was Molly, her red hair pulled back in a low ponytail, her eyes intent on the computer in front of her, as if she were a haunted entity. Barty leaned against the counter and coughed weakly.

"Good afternoon, welcome-"

She began, voice animated until her eyes landed on Barty, a crooked and characteristic smile.

“Oh, it's you, Barty.” she says with a sneer that Regulus finds it amusing every day, which is very well matched by the drama of Crouch.

“ Ouch , flower of the day, and I thought you'd be happy to see me.” he put his hand under his chest, as if he'd been hit.

"Depends, did you come to buy something or just walk around the store and occasionally hit on me?" She leaned her hips against the table, her expression serious as she rested her hands on her large stomach.

“Both?” he asked uncertainty.

"Well then, start shopping, heir." She went back to her notebook, as if she wanted to put a spell on it.

“So harsh.” Barty sighed, leaving and starting to walk around the store, Regulus stayed behind.

“Hey, Molly.” he greeted, the girl smiling in his direction as soon as the cold gaze left the device “Need some help with that?” she sighed, nodding.

“I swear, this thing doesn't like me, it shouldn't be this hard, but I think there's a bit of a turn on seeing pregnant people angry.” she grumbled as she walked out of the space and let Regulus in.

“I think you got it mixed up with Barty.” Molly laughed, in her small, low, but graceful way.

“Barty's a good kid, he's just kind of…”

“Shameless? Boor? Think too much about himself? Definitely compensating for something?” Regulus so helpfully recommended adjectives.

“You said, no me.” she defended herself with her hands high, elbows propping herself up on the table as she watched Regulus work his magic.

“I think you could stop talking about us like we're kids already." he said into the brief silence, Molly giggling again.

“Sorry, I know we must only be like 3 years apart, but it seems more. I guess being married and expecting your fifth child does that to someone.” Regulus agreed with a weak nod, paying attention to the notebook in front of him as he tried to slow it down and save the spreadsheet Molly was messing with.

“Is the shop doing well, Molly?' he asked, trying not to read too much into the saved values.

“Actually, yes, Christmas and New Year are always a busy time around here. It gets pretty crowded these days.” Regulus looked around and noticed that at least 4 families were divided by the place. In the distance he saw Barty being attended to by one of the few employees.

“You know that if you ever have a drop in sales I can help, right?”

"Regulus, darling, we've already talked about this. It's okay, I don't need charity.”

“It's not… It's not charity, Molly. It's just that you have this giant store, 4 kids and expecting one more. You know Arthur is technically my cousin.”

“Regulus, I think several people are technically your cousins, the Black family is huge. But I don't see you offering money to just anyone.” Regulus sighed, he could feel his cheeks reddening before he even said anything.

“That's because I like you, ok? I worry about you and consequently your family. By the way, why would I have so much money if not to use him?” he saw Molly's warm, loving smile, the way she looked at Regulus the way a mother looks at one of her children.

"Your mother would yell if she knew you wanted to give some of your money to a Weasley."

"Well, not much she can do in a coffin, is there right?" he asked with humour, a humour that wasn't felt the same way as Molly, who smirked. "Sorry, I forget my sense of humour is a little iffy."

“No, it’s alright. You of the renowned Black family have your ways of dealing with things, Arthur's mother is like that too.” she shrugged, looking around and seeing movement.

“Like this?”

“Like the Black family type.” she replied simply, a weak smile while Regulus left the notebook further away and got up to leave the place, Molly returning with long and calm steps, one hand on her stomach “I swear, sometimes it feels like I'm carrying two instead of one.”

“It's best not to say that, because it's usually true." he urged, Molly patting his arm.

“Stop it, Regulus Black. I love my children, but this is the last one.

"But already? I thought you liked it.”

“I like it, I like being a mother and doing mother things and taking care of people, you know, but just…” she sat up, a weak sigh, her hands going to caress her stomach. “It's a girl. This time I'm sure it's one.”

“How do you know?”

“Look.” she lifted the shirt, showing the skin and the shape better, Regulus could feel his cheeks a little warmer. “It's very round, that means it's a girl, a more pointed belly is a boy.” he raised his eyebrows, completely taken aback by that.

“Where did you hear that from?” he frowned in confusion.

“James. He said that his mother knew it was a boy because his belly was very pointy, a Brazilian belief, I think.” he nodded briefly, slightly put off by the occasional mention of James. "Did you know his mother is Brazilian?" Regulus nodded.

“I know Mrs Potter, she took care of my brother when my uncle was away.” Molly nodded, as if she remembered that case, as if she remembered the whole story of the brothers.

"Talking about your possible mother-in-law, Regulus?" Barty appeared like a ghost at his side, the taller one's face contorting in confusion. How the fuck did Barty knew?

“Mother-in-law?” Molly asked with great interest, her body moving closer. "Are you finally going out with James?"

"What do you mean finally?"

“He is.”

The two spoke at the same time, Regulus ignoring the implication of Molly's words, and looking at Barty beside him. One very smug Barty.

“What do you know?”

“What I do not know?” he asked nonsensically, lower lip between his teeth. "Pandora told me." he would kill her, he definitely would .

”What did she say?”

”That he finally had the courage to ask you out, and that you by a miracle didn't panic and said yes.”

"James who did?!” Molly asked, extremely surprised but pleased. Regulus didn't understand “Finally he had the courage.” he decided to ignore the implications of Molly's statement.

“It doesn't matter! It's just a Christmas date… Well, Christmas Eve.” he shrugged, his gaze shifting from them.

"Wait, he's not coming to my party?" Regulus denied “Why?!”

"Because he has something with Remus, a Hanukkah celebration." Molly nodded in front of them, as if she knew too, which she probably did.

Then he looked at Barty, puzzled by his silence. He saw from his head, almost literally, smoke billowing, his eyes glazed over as he looked away and he thought , and nothing good came from Barty when he used his brain. The big problem was that Barty is smart, in a way that he doesn't need to use his mind too much for most things, so when he does it is scary.

"Why don't we go to Lupin's party?" he asked after the brief silence, Regulus' eyes widening.

“No no no no! It's a Jewish celebration, I don't even know if you can.”

“They can, Arthur and I are guests all the time, and our family is Christian. Of course, it's not a party , it's a celebration, but it's a lot of fun and Remus explains anything they have questions about judaism.” Molly, not so helpful, said. Barty's eyes gleamed in that strange way of someone who has a plan.

“Problem solved.”

“You weren't invited. Neither did I.”

“Nonsense. One call to Lupin and we'll have this sorted out in no time. He'll love having the future boyfriend of one of his best friends.” he commented excitedly, trying to squeeze Regulus's cheeks who tried to bite his hands.

Regulus began to think that he might die that festive weekend.

December 22, 2022

2 days to christmas

With the disaster and hustle and of the day before he hadn't been able to have a real conversation with Potter. So they arranged to go out again in the afternoon, to the same cafe they had gone to the first time. He didn't even want to imagine having to put the whole story together and occasionally saying that Barty wanted to go to Remus' party, he didn't even know if he could pretend so much in front of his friends. He could feel the headache forming behind his eyes and he was struggling to ignore it.

When he arrived at the cafe, he saw the same pretty and friendly girl as the other day, her hair curled into two high pompoms, as she smiled briefly and waved at him, Regulus returned the gesture without much humour for the pain, but a simple smile on his face. Soon in the cafeteria, James was already at the same table as the last time, a fact that Regulus mentally thanked.

He sat up with a weak sigh, only now noticing that his coffee was already there and James's drink too.

“I hope you don't mind, I ordered your coffee so we wouldn't waste time. It just arrived, it's still hot.” he summed up, a much more hurried tone than he was used to. He tried to think it was an act of care from James, not a silent request that they spend as little time together as possible.

“Thanks.” he replied simply, James nodded. He took the same amount of sugar and started helping himself, only then noticing the fingers of James' right hand tapping the table, a quick, eager rhythm. He sighed.

“What's wrong?”

"Is Barty going to Remus' party?" ok, they would get straight to the point then .

“Who told you that?” he arched his right eyebrow, his gaze over the top of his cup.

“Moony.” fuck .

“Well…” he rubbed his throat, “I was with him yesterday and apparently Pandora told him, a version of the lie that's even more of a lie, so he thinks you asked me out, and then I told him you weren't going to his party, because of Lupin's celebration, so he said he'd talk to him and see if they could get the two parties together.” James nodded slowly, still thinking, eyes wide and eyebrows raised.

“So that's why Molly called me to congratulate me. Were you at her store?” Regulus nodded, taking a sip of his drink.

“Yes. By the way, what's with Molly congratulating you? She said you "finally got the courage". he made air quotes with his fingers, James' gaze widening in fear until he quickly denied it.

“Nothing, nothing! It must be… Pregnancy hormones!” he laughed nervously, an act not so different from his usual one that Regulus just ignored.

"Okay, what do we have to work on?"

"The whole story?" James asked, a slight shrug “My parents will ask, so I think we better prepare.”

"Does your partner know that much about you?" James chuckled in confirmation.

“Yes, a lot. I am addition to talking until I can't speak anymore, I always like to talk about details about myself, compare them, find out what I like, if the other person also likes it, if they hates it, if we can do it together, if they understands me, if I I understand them. I wouldn't date someone I don't have such a connection with.” he said in a simple tone, listing things as he looked out the window, the brunette's gaze locked on James' well-defined face. He wondered how James knew, how many people he's dated, how many people got to him before Regulus.

"You look experienced, Potter. Have you dated many people?” the eldest laughed, low and a little embarrassed.

“No, just Lily really.” he could see the same red rushing around James' ears, eyes nervous.

“No need to be embarrassed about it, the last time I dated someone was when I was 17.” he shrugged, as casual as he could be. He leaned back against the chair, trying to relax.

“Yes. Matthew.” James recalled, his arms crossing in front of his chest, and Black tried not to look at the way they had grown over time. He didn't even find fit guys cute, but James made his whole size annoyingly nice and attractive.

“I don't even remember the guy's name, James.”

“I do. He was irritating.” the brunette's strong gaze went to the highest, Regulus feeling the truth in the attentive gaze itself.

“He wasn't so bad.” he didn't know where this urge to defend someone he didn't even keep in touch with came from, but he thought it was fair. Matthew dated him while he was in love with James, he sat and talked about it, said they could give it a try, and Regulus actually wished he could laugh about it, but he just looked sad. Wanting to be loved so much that you give up being chosen, but Regulus had already made his choice, and it wasn't Matthew.

Well, until he got over James a year later, to be clear .

“Never mind, I never saw him again anyway. Maybe it's for the best.” James shrugged, elbows resting on the table, leaning in closer to Regulus. "So what's the story?"

"I'm still trying to understand what you're looking for, James. Fake dating is not something I have under my belt.” he sighed.

“You've never seen a movie about it? Like 10 things I hate about you?” He sounded almost offended at having to ask that.

“No, it's not really my area. Evan and Pandora who like the most.” Black shrugged, a sneer with his right hand “So, what do you need?” James shrugged, the tip of his thumb between his lips, until he spoke.

“You know, stuff about how we fell in love, dates, how I asked you to be my boyfriend, things we do together that we enjoy.” he listed casually. "Maybe think of the last person you fell in love with." Regulus froze in place. Regulus didn't know how to say that the last person he fell in love with was him, it was James, and since he got over it, he never fell again .

So Regulus does what he's always done best: pretend .

"How did we fall in love, James?" he asks, as if his fingertips aren't tingling, as if his heart isn't calm, as if his mind isn't replaying his moment . James stopped, a faint smile on his lips, as if he were remembering .

“Well, yours I can't say, but…” he takes a deep breath, his gaze darting away again, hand pulling away from his mouth “There was one time in april when you were at college, Pads wanted to talk to you, he said it would be quick, so he took me along. The thing is, Sirius forgot the thing he needed to give you... I think it was a key, the key to his new apartment.” Regulus remembered that, but he didn't remember James there, he only remembered the key and how his brother said it was for emergencies. But any sane person knew that even in an emergency, simply entering an apartment shared by Sirius and Remus could cause a trauma in his mind “so he told me to stay there, because you never stay in one place for long, what is truth , and left behind the key. So I stayed, and I tried to distract myself with something else, but… The only interesting thing was kind of looking at you, so I did. I waited that long while I watched you scribble something in that book you always carry. It was spring, and of course you were on one of the benches in the courtyard which is under one of the prettiest trees in the countryside, it's the one with the white flowers, and I never thought I'd boil you down to anything close to angelic , but you looked exactly like that. You sometimes looked at nothing like you were thinking, then you smiled and carried on, sometimes you sulked and erased something, then carried on. You look good in the sun, like you were made for it.”

Regulus swallowed hard, trying not to remember the various poems about the sun that he wrote in that little notebook old and beat up for years. He tried not to think about how the sun was the way he addressed James in his poems, as if that change was going to keep his secret kept.

"Then Pads came over, asked me why I was all red, I panicked, lied that Lily wanted to give me the rest of my stuff and I ran . And since then I haven't been able to stop looking at you.” James' eyes lifted, open and expressive and sincere and loving, everything James was in small details, bathed in dark brown.

For a moment Regulus felt like it was true. He tried to imagine it, James' eyes on him, seeing him, wanting him, craving him, tried to imagine the strange, dreamy image of James just loving him. He wanted to laugh, those laughs that built in his throat like an uncontrolled tickle that did nothing to shake him out of the daze of happiness that haunted him. Then he laughs, weak and a little lost.

"You make it sound like it's true." he sees the brief flash of James, the quivering lips and how he breathes in deeper. He pretends he doesn't see anything too much.

“I think that's the point.” they agree in a brief silence “What would your version be like?”

Regulus thinks, he wonders if telling the truth is a step forward in his grave or a way to avoid the inevitable, that he writhes against his own past feelings and suffocates to death. He never thought of having James at his mercy and telling him the truth, never imagined he would have James at all. So because Regulus hates himself: he tells the truth.

He thought about how James must have received dozens of confessions like that, how he must have rejected them all, because no one was Lily Evans or good enough . he thinks about how James would do the same thing to him, if he'd had enough courage all those years ago, but he didn't, and he's kind of grateful for that.

“I don't know when it started, I think it was always there, my brother's annoying friend, the guy who never left, the person who always called me to do things when I had no obligation to do so. If I stop to think about it maybe it was a little inevitable.” he moved his eyes away, he could feel James eyes burning into his body. Then he remembered that summer afternoon when he'd been dragged to an ice cream parlour with James and his brother.

"I've never met anyone who doesn't like ice cream." James grumbled, looking puzzled. Regulus grimaced, his body curled up and his arms wrapped around his stomach, as if he managed to protect himself from James' words.

“He likes it, he's just being an idiot.” Sirius complained, he had a closed expression, the smaller one knew it was his fault. Sirius didn't want him there.

“I said I don't like it here”. he complained through gritted teeth, Sirius stared at him with his arms crossed.

"But it's James' favourite." and Regulus bit his tongue to contain the comment that he couldn't give a fuck about what Sirius' little friend liked “You're insufferable, I'm going to get an ice cream while you're being a bore there.”

Sirius rose angrily, Regulus' face contorted as he dealt with the tightness in his throat. He hated Sirius with James, ever since his brother got older he tended to push him away from everything, as if Regulus was a dead weight he carried around. Sirius doesn't know, and Regulus doesn't want to tell that he doesn't like new places, he doesn't know if he's going to like the ice cream here and they don't have the flavour he always orders. He knows. He saw. He sought. He tried not to be a problem, but now he really wants to be Sirius's fucking problem until they fight and go home. Maybe that night Sirius would sleep over at James' house just so he wouldn't have to see his face anymore.

“I like ice cream.” James grumbled beside him, snapping him out of his thoughts.

I do not like you.

"I like the vanilla one." he continued, eyes far away.

I do not like you.

“I like the chocolate one too, but not that much.”

I do not like you.

"I like the ones with the chocolate chips too."

I do not like you.

"I like the mint one, it makes my brain freeze."

I do not like you.

“I like the whole blue one, I think it's tutti frutti.”

I like you.

"I like pistachios too."

I like you.

"I like the strawberry one."

I like you.

“I like the passion fruit one.”

I like you.

"I like the grape one."

I like you.

“I like the kiwi one.”

I like you.

“I like the dulce de leche.”

I like you.

"I like the flakes."

I like you.

“I think I like all ice cream.” he chuckled softly, his eyes returning to Regulus who was staring at him intently.

I think I like everything about you.

Regulus didn't quite understand the difference between liking something so much that you ended up hating it, and hating something so much that you ended up liking it. He found that constantly thinking about James, looking at him and noticing little details, the way James' smile made his hands tingle, the way when he closed his eyes he could imagine the warmth of James' body next to him, close on his arm and wanting to reach for his hand, intertwine their fingers and laugh softly, like the stupid boy he was.

Regulus was in love with James.

Silence fell over them after Regulus told the stupid story of how he fell in love or at least how he noticed it. James' eyes warmed him, as if he could get him to say more.

“It's definitely believable. It's like you to think you hate someone just because you're in love."

“Shut up, James.” he laughed weakly, taking a deep breath after a while, going back to finishing his coffee.

“Favourite song.” James said quickly, the change of subject so abrupt that Regulus felt a little lost.

“What?”

“Your favourite song.”

"Oh…" he shrugged, the mug against the lips “I don't know.”

"Come on, it's music, Regulus, I know you have it. Pandora courses music.”

“Exactly. Pandora, not me.” he saw James' mouth open to complain once more, then he began to speak. "What's yours then?"

“ Boys don’t cry by The cure .” Regulus stopped after the answer, an incredulous look on his face. "What?"

"A little on the nose, isn't it?"

“Oh, fuck you, Regulus.” he said without much bite for the barely contained laugh “Go, I know you have one.”

“ This night has opened my eyes by The Smiths .” he murmured a little awkwardly.

“And I chose a little on the nose.” James grumbled, Regulus kicking his leg slightly under the table.

"Shut up, Potter.” James sipped from his drink, a tight, barely concealed smile on his lips.

Regulus wanted to be able to say that he listens to this song and thinks about James, how he discovered this song at the age of 18 and has since moved on with his passion. That song would take your whole idea of James and tear it apart. Disassembled it in the process. But he knows he's petty and his thwarted passion is not James' fault, however much he is the cause of it.

“We chose very old songs.” James commented after the brief silence, Regulus nodding as he glanced briefly at the time on his phone. He remembered he had therapy at 4:40 pm.

"Any current, old spirit?" he asked with a brief smile, James chuckled.

“Hm, Cinema by Harry Styles, probably.” Regulus frowned, thinking for a while.

"His new album?" James nodded, cracking a brief yep “You listening to Harry Styles makes a lot of sense, you look like someone who likes pop.”

“Hey! Lily influences that won't go away.” he defended himself with an index finger pointing at the brunette “She made me listen to all of Taylor Swift's albums.”

"Including the Midnights that came out recently?"

“Mostly M- Hey, how do you know?” he broke off abruptly, his gaze intent on Regulus, who rolled his eyes.

"For the love, Potter. I don't like pop, but I don't live under a rock.” he sighed briefly “And Pandora likes it, when it came out she sent me this song, Anti hero I think, and told me to listen to it because it was me.” James chuckled, good-natured and looking away.

“It really is you. But it's a good song, a great song.”

"I see she has a soft spot for you."

“Taylor Swift It is a weakness of mine, Regulus.” he accused, the youngest laughing briefly and trying to pretend he hadn't “But you should listen to Evermore or Folklore, Remus isn't too fond of pop artists either, but once I showed them a few, he even saved them to continue listening.” he raised his eyebrows well, recounting the fact as if it were a victory of the century in his year.

Regulus didn't know Remus personally, but he knew that his brother's influence could be one of the causes. As much as he knew how to dance to Lady Gaga or Britney Spears, he never would give up his 80's rock. Remus and Sirius seemed like that couple who lived a little in the past and lay down at night to remember stories that the two lived together while laughing about when they were younger and stupid. It looked good. Regulus hoped his thinking was right, that Sirius had something to look back on and to laugh instead of just fear and pain.

"You said you knew Remus, right?" James asked, and for a brief moment the taller one frowned as he thought where Potter had gotten that from. "The messages."

“ Oh! I lied, I never met him” he shrugged.

"You never met your brother's boyfriend?” he denied “Not even once?” he denied again “We have to change that! You and Remus would be the devil split in two.”

"Thanks for showing how much you praise me, Potter." he raised his eyebrows, James twisting his mouth at Regulus.

"Stop it, you know that's the best compliment I can give you." and he knew it was “What's your current favourite?”

“ Mary on a cross by the band Ghost .” he replied without thinking too much, James' expression changing in about 3 minutes.

“The music about blowjobs ?” Regulus couldn't take it anymore and let a loud and genuine laugh escape.

"Is that your only reference? Seriously?” he asked still with a light laugh, James looking at him with a weak smile.

“I know the music because of Tik Tok, then.” the youngest rolled his eyes as James shrugged.

“Of course you know because of tiktok.”

“Oh, come on, don't be a boring old man who hates social media. I know you have a twitter, don't be superior. “Regulus raised his eyebrows, he didn't remember James following him “I don't follow you because I don't think you would like it, I remember your ugly face when Sirius followed you.” he agreed silently, seeing how James knew something he hadn't even thought about himself. "Ok, come on, favourite movie?"

"Is it really so important for me to know these little things, James?" he asked, a little exhausted.

“Of course, it's the little details that make the difference. Come on, I need to know, what's your favourite movie?”

Regulus sighed before answering: "Carrie, the stranger." James frowned. "What?"

“Is it serious?” Regulus confirmed. "Oh, ok, I wasn't expecting that one, I guess," he chuckled shortly.

“What's yours, movie lover?”

“Star Wars!” he said with a big smile, and the brunette wanted to roll his eyes and laugh, because James was an open book, of course he likes star wars “What?”

“Nothing… It's just your face.” he means it as a sarcastic insult, but he knows the smile on his face is warmer than it should be. “Favourite book, then.”

He desperately tried to change the subject, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible, because he felt it was leaking at its seams and everything he'd built up to hide from Potter — from himself — all these years would quickly surface. He wants to hide, wants James to stop looking at him like that, like he has something to give him. As if he already knew.

“I don't have one.” Regulus widened his eyes, something in his heart breaking.

“You do not have?!” he asked in exasperation, James chuckled. James laughed a lot when he was with him, apparently.

“Reading is not one of my favourite activities.”

And that sounded like a personal offence to the literature student that Regulus was.

"You know I study literature, right?" he arched an eyebrow.

“Opposites attract each other?” James retorted uncertainty.

Regulus was many things, but not an idiot . At 4:15 pm on a Thursday afternoon, December 22, 2022, he observed James Potter flirting with you for the first time in years . Again, he wasn't stupid, he knew how to recognize flirting, no matter how awkward and clichéd it was. All the years he'd been torn to pieces by James for brief unacknowledged attention hadn't prepared him for a brief moment like this, he knew James was a flirt, who flirted with everyone just for the fun of it, but James did you even know that for years he wanted those jokes directed at him? That for a brief moment in his dreams he saw this same scene unfold and he finally took courage?

Well, Regulus was lots of things, but not brave.

“Frankenstein.” he said hastily.

“What?”

“My favourite book.”

James was silent for a brief moment, as if putting the pieces together, piecing together the fact that Regulus and Frankenstein existed in the same sentence, as if he could see it all coming, but not that.

"You look surprised," Regulus commented, taking the end of his coffee and pushing it away on the table.

“Why Frankenstein?” Black sighed, right leg coming up to rest under the other. He expected that question.

“Do you really want to know?” he knew that was a longer answer than most people were willing to hear.

"Regulus... Anything I ask you is because I want to know the whole version." he replied, as honest as he was at all times, that was always , it was so much that sometimes Regulus felt the honesty climbing up his neck and trying to suffocate him. James was the type of guy who would rather talk than die, under any circumstances. Regulus by another way , I'd rather die than talk. But it was James, so he decided to trust.

“Besides being a classic, I think it stands out a lot for the emotional line it describes. The idea of a scientist who is not crazy, but passionate about his creation, not in a romantic way, but entirely platonic with his career and his studies. The way the doctor's humanity is dramatic, and the monster's existence is extremely human, the line of creating a life and what it is to be human, and to what extent existing makes you someone. The scientific line that is approached in its creation and the way it is assembled with great care, in a time when medicine was not at all as advanced as it is today. It's a book that talks about humanity, about emotions, I don't think it's so philosophical, but I think this is where it hooks me. When you turn the existential crisis into something…” he paused briefly, so far in his head that he didn't even notice James's heavy gaze “Approachable, so to speak. It doesn't have difficult words or philosophers that nobody recognizes the name, it's something that anyone used to emotions can observe and understand. The idea of making an audience identify with an artificial creation is incredible in my view, and makes me ask myself if all human creation is not going to be human consequently. And of course, as an author, I will always have enormous respect for women who have put themselves out there, even if through disguise.”

He finally comments, in a detached tone, as he dwells on the same question about humanity and creation that he's been asking himself since finishing that book so long ago. He noted James' silence, an embarrassment creeping up his neck as he turned his startled gaze on the boy. The brown eyes open and receptive, as if waiting for more, as if wished for more.

“James?” he asks uncertainty.

“I think we're going to have a problem if you do that around my parents." he comments in an open tone, his gaze still a bit off as he swallows hard.

"Do what?"

“Being so smart it's kind of attractive.”

The breath that James lets out after his sentence could very easily have been what Regulus lost with those words. Again , Regulus wasn't stupid, but this was more than just playful flirting, this was James, the boy of his silly teenage fantasies, admitting that he found him attractive.

Perhaps he should stop there. Get up, say goodbye and communicate that he can't do this, that he's sorry for dropping James out of nowhere and making him waste his time, that he doesn't think that situation would be good for either of them. Where was Regulus thinking when he thought this whole situation was a good idea? Of course he didn't see the flirting coming, the honest answers, the thoughtful looks, and the calming words, but he knew the James Potter effect existed, he knew that spending too much time around him makes that stupid youthful itch come back. He knows the side effects of keeping Potter around, and he knows how weak the flesh is, but he thinks his heart has an extra soft spot.

He knows this thing with James has never been about anything physical, that he has a peculiar and unique relationship with desire and lust, but he can't deny that there's something about James that makes him want to get over it. So for a brief moment he wonders if kissing James would make him feel anything, and he dreads to think that it would, perhaps yes .

“Sorry.” James says after the awkward but dense silence between them. Regulus kind of wished he hadn't excused, what was he apologising for? For the desire he harboured for Regulus? So Regulus had a big list for the confessional. He half-hoped that James was wrong and those words were simply bought politeness, that he thinks he owes to Regulus.

“Don't worry” he answers with a certain disdain, because really, for what Is James apologising? What would any of them apologise for? "Sorry to rush you, but I have therapy in a while and I still have to go-"

"Oh, do you want to pause and continue another moment?"

“No no. I still have time, just…”

“Be quicker.”

“Yes.”

So they spent another 30 minutes exchanging bits of information that would help them with James' parents, but were probably damaging Regulus' heart.

Therapy has never been difficult for Regulus, he thinks if he's paying for it, so make the money's worth. A part of him still blames himself for using his inheritance money as if it still belonged to his parents, so he has to honor every penny instead of just taking it and claiming it as his own. For someone who grew up with everything and never knew a different reality, he has a great fear of ending up with nothing.

He's already talked about it in therapy, he thinks he's talked about everything over the years and that's the most impressive part. Regulus is the person who prefers to die rather than speak, if he could be buried with all his secrets he would choose that option. Talking changes things, talking makes them real and makes him have to deal with the consequences, talking has never done him any good other than punishment. His therapist had once said that growing up with Regulus's parents could do that to a child, he remembered laughing, because he never really admitted to the damage his parents did, and Sirius seemed fine with his opinion.

Something that he had to swallow between sessions — and that deep down he knew — is that the same abuse can bear different fruits. That the way Regulus felt irreparable wasn't the same way Sirius felt, but they were still affected by the same abusive family. Abusive . Sometimes he would let that word roll off his tongue and feel the weight and taste it still held, he never saw his parents as abusive, he kind of thought they were right. Sirius was a rebel without a cause, and Regulus was and always will be a substitute for his brother in the family business, there was nothing wrong with the truth . So why did Regulus still live with the feeling that that truth took more from him than it gave him certainty? Because he kind of always waits for people to leave. Sirius did. His parents were never even there. And he waits for the moment that Dorcas is going to go, that Barty is going to go, that Evan is going to go. Wait for the moment when Sirius will give up on this broken brotherhood they never even had in one piece and walk away again. Maybe Pandora will stay, somehow he believes she will.

At these times, in these comments, he observes the way his therapist looks at him, and he knows what that means. She never talks much in her sessions, never did, from the first moment Regulus arrived and just talked about all his problems. Regulus knows he's aware of everything that's wrong with him, that he's been categorizing since he was 13 and realized it was too soon for him not wanting to live for so long, he knows there's always been something wrong with him, but that doesn't mean he wants to stop talking bad about himself to fill in those gaps. He says he's going to end up alone and his therapist stares at him, as if asking if that's really what he believes, and yes, he believes , he can score all the points of why they would and why he would support them, but in the end free will doesn't work that way, and he can't convince them to leave.

Sometimes he thinks he would, sit them all in a room and explain why they should leave and why it's crazy that they haven't already. He never did it, he didn't find the strength to do it, because deep down, the fear of being alone is greater, the fear that someday he will be right and they will notice that your presence is unbearable. The fear that there are better people than him to be friends with out there and he is just a bridge to heaven but never the final route. He thinks his therapist knows — he's sure she knows — this, can see right through him, but she chooses to pretend otherwise. Before Regulus gets up and runs. Before he sees all that therapy as vulnerability and runs from it. Before someone knows more about himself than he does. Once he heard that relationships, connections, is about knowing the other so deeply that you are passionate about everything that makes you, Regulus is afraid of someone getting that far and discovering the monster sleeping between his ribs, waiting for attention to bloom and destroy everything like that to wake up. His therapist said it doesn't seem like he has a very good image of himself, he agrees. He doesn't. Sometimes he thinks briefly that everyone can see right through his theatrics, that everyone knows how broken Regulus really is, but doesn't speak for sheer pity , that everyone knows he's a disaster and he can't fool anyone, but what would they be doing there if they knew?

Regulus doesn't know, and on the best of nights he still doesn't know , but he doesn't think about it either. On the best nights he is Regulus. A Regulus with friends and people who chose him. On the best nights he is Regulus, Sirius' younger brother who is trying again to build their brotherhood. On the best nights he's just Regulus, a survivor.

But on none of the best nights did he ever think it would be James Potter's fake boyfriend .

"Do you remember James?" he asked his therapist. She frowned for a brief moment, placing her mug of tea on the small table again.

“Hm, remind me, please.” she asked earnestly.

“My brother's best friend, James Potter.” She nodded more excitedly, her brows high on her forehead at the brief surprise of the memory.

“Yes, yes. The one you've been in love with for most of your life?” she asks. And there is always something about her accent that makes every little true so much harder to lie about it. So he never did.

He pauses for a moment, mouth open in mild surprise as he lets out a weak laugh. “Yes.” he answers “That same one.” he says against his will.

“What about him?” and well, that was the tricky part, what about him?

“I'm seeing him.” and that was a form of the truth if he were to look at it. His psychologist raised an eyebrow, Regulus's paused tone saying a lot to her, apparently, “More or less… It's complicated.” She glanced briefly at her watch.

“Well, we have time.”

So he told. Told about every disaster, reminisced about Barty's annual jokes, admitted how they always bothered him, admitted that maybe he had a thing for James when he was younger, but thought that it died. What he kind of still believes is dead in a way, he knows he doesn’t like James like that, but he knows that may come up again. He knows that whatever he buried, it wasn't buried well. His fear is not still to be in love with James, but to fall in love with him at the end of that mess.

"Do you think that's enough time? It’s what? 3 days of being his fake boyfriend?” she asks. She got used to Regulus' sexuality, got used to him being demiaroace, understood better than he expected for someone who didn't deal with a lot of people like him.

"It's not… a long time for someone new, but it's James. Maybe there's still something there that I haven't buried enough. I never…” he shrugged. “I never stopped liking him, I just… Stopped thinking about it. But he's still the same idiot James, but now with more body and apparently flirts better.” he grunts, as if it's a fault he's citing.

"So you like him?" and that's where the problem lies, because he wants to say yes, everything goes towards him saying yes and being honest about it, he always was sincere in there, but he doesn't find the strength to say.

“Romantically? Not necessarily. As a friend or at least someone I tolerate? Definitely.” he shrugs. Regulus never liked people very much, he knows he doesn't even now, but James is quite tolerable, and that seemed very bitter, but it was one of his sweetest compliments.

He didn't think James was overbearing or annoying, he just... He had a complicated relationship with people, and the nervous way he was around James when he was younger never helped, but since he's grown up, being around James is a little calming. What he thinks is even more dangerous, maybe a little scarier.

"Why are you afraid of falling in love with him again?" she asks, probably aiming for a spot where she doesn't think it will hurt, but ends up hitting him a little anyway.

Regulus doesn't have fear of falling in love with James all over again. He is afraid of knowing James better. He knows that when he was younger his passion for James was pure idealization of an abandoned little boy, a scared little boy, who saw his own brother fall in love with that smile. He knows that Sirius was never romantically in love with James, so it only seemed fair that he did, didn't it? But he recognizes that he was a very desperate child — perhaps he is still an adult just as much — who was looking for love in very dubious corners. H e knew he had been obsessed with James for a while and that wasn't him in love. He has a very specific image of love, and it doesn't involve sensations that remind him of panic attacks. He doesn't believe in the love that makes you throw up with nerves or the butterflies in your stomach or your heart so racing he wondered a few times if he was going to end up dying on the spot. He stopped believing what the popular media said about love and learned to love his way.

Regulus's love doesn't have butterflies in his stomach, he doesn't have a racing heart or nausea, Regulus's love is safe and makes him feel a little in the clouds. It's conversations that don't end late at night. It's a comfortable presence that he can and wants to talk about everything. It's a warm feeling in the belly and an errant step of his heart with the simple smiles and the loud laughs. Regulus now understands what love is like for himself, and sometimes he thinks he's making something up where he doesn't have it, but he looks at James and he kind of knows he's going to fall in love with him.

The issue is not that Regulus can not stop it, but is that he kind of doesn't want to stop it.

“You know when you look up close at a painting and you can see all the brushstrokes? The ones that follow the right line, the ones that were a little rougher and left a trail because they dried sooner than they should have, the raised layers of more paint. All the details you can only really see in artwork if you look at it as a separate ensemble up close, but not a complete picture from afar.” he begins to explain, Betsy's attentive gaze on him “there are people who don't like that, those details, art is seen from afar because it forms something, and not everyone is there to appreciate the process, but the conclusion. Some people see this texture on canvases as something that devalues art, that makes it less beautiful. What makes her ugly .” he finishes, with more bitterness than he expected. He knows it doesn't seem to make sense now, but he will go further. He hopes she knows it's about James. She seems to know it is.

“Do you think the brush strokes on the canvas are ugly?” she asks, so genuinely that he catches an off-kilter laugh.

“No. I think that's what makes art art . It's not about perfection, it's about creation.” he means it's about so many things, and just like people, art is meant to be more than just appreciated. Art is about history. Art is about sensations. Art is about creation. About inciting something in those who consume. She is not meant to be beautiful , she is made to make you feel something, even if it is indifference.

"So you're afraid of getting too close and seeing what you don't want?" and he feels the hit in his chest even before she finishes the sentence, maybe because she arrived exactly at the place he's been running away from. She's aimed a little too far to the right, but he knows it's kind of his job to point her gun a little farther to the left, show her where it hurts, and dissect. Therapy isn't pretty all the time, and sometimes he thinks he'll come out of it more shaken than his traumatic experiences, but somehow he always comes back and finds pleasure in raw honesty. He knows ignorance is bliss, but he's never been very holy in his entire life.

“I'm afraid to get too close and see what I've wanted all my life.”

He's not afraid of falling in love with James, he's afraid he'll never want to let go.

Regulus doesn't know how, but he ends up at a party . It's not really a party, but there's alcohol, your friends and loud music, so it's kind of a party. And he's kind of been there for a while.

He came out of therapy a little shaken up, he's normally extremely honest. Kind of honest that makes your teeth hurt a little, but being so honest with his feelings kind of always leaves him feeling very drained, kind of queasy, like he's been adrift at sea after spending a month in complete thirst under the blazing desert sun. It's kind of extreme, he knows.

So Barty called him, noticed his condition, and then Pandora called him after Barty called her, and in the end, oddly enough, Dorcas called him and he found himself at a party on a thursday night, he didn't know if she it really had a purpose, but they were a bunch of college students who had just started their vacation on one of the biggest holidays. There didn't seem to be a rationale behind why they were having a party. So he went.

He got ready, met Pandora and they went to Marlene's friend's house.

"When were you going to tell me about the blonde?" he asks after a number of colorful and slightly too sweet drinks. He remembers with a hint of a smile James' overreaction to the amount of sugar in his coffee. He stirs the paper straw in his drink and only looks up at Dorcas beside him.

She has her back against the wall, the two of them sort of decide to camp out by the bar and just have a drink and watch. Regulus doesn't think she's in much of a mood for all this anymore, so he strikes up a conversation. He notices the way her shoulders tense and she stares at him with a guilty expression.

"Not that you need-"

“I know I didn't have to.” she cuts. The tone makes no sense of being friendly, so he takes another sip of his drink, letting the dizziness haunt him a little while he gives Dorcas space and time.

They understand each other well, they always have. Where Dorcas bites, Regulus bites back, and that sounds like a recipe for disaster, but oddly enough, in their chaotic way, it works. So he lets himself be carried away by the company of drink and waits for Dorcas to slowly withdraw from that cloudy defensive area. When he hears the sigh he knows it's his cue.

“Sorry.” she says shortly, Regulus nods weekly.

“All good. Still a touchy subject?” she shrugs and Regulus leans his own shoulder against the wall, watching the girl as she moves the straw.

“Not exactly. she sighs for a long time “Just… Ok, It's a little delicate.” so Regulus waits. He doesn't see anything interesting at that party other than that conversation anyway “I don't want you guys to get a different picture of me.”

"Why would we? It's not like nobody knows you're a lesbian and honestly, everyone here is queer and…” he trails off at the sound of her weak laugh.

“Not for that, idiot” and Dorcas is one of the few people Regulus let's call him that. She almost makes it sound affectionate “I said I hated this girl, ok?” Regulus agrees, the straw making an annoying noise as soon as the drink is gone and he tries to get more of it without success.

“If you think that people are going to judge your lack of consistency, it makes no sense, because then, we have Barty as a friend, and the most consistent thing in his life is that he is in love with the Rosier brothers in some way.” he explained, gaze drifting away from Dorcas's face as he set his glass down on the nearby bar. There was no one there to make another one.

“I know that, but I don't know, it feels different.” she shrugged, arms crossing over her chest. “I don't want you to think she's a bad person.”

“You thought so.” ok, maybe Regulus was unnecessarily sincere when drunk. Not that he was, of course.

“Thanks for the reminder, Reg.” he smiles awkwardly, almost biting his tongue to stop his comments “But that's why. Marlene is… Different in so many ways.” he sees her gaze, heads across the room until he sees the blonde with Lily on the couch. He didn't know Lily was here. For a brief moment he felt a sense of panic that maybe Sirius was there, or maybe worse, James “Sirius isn't here, it's Emmeline's party, so Lily is. But she is not close with their group.” he breathes a little in relief, grateful that Dorcas knows him well. And now the big house and drink service makes sense, the Vance family has always been good with money and he knows his family name is pegged on some joint projects with them.

“Why is she different?” he asks to bring the subject back into focus. But she shrugs.

“Cause I see her differently?” she seems to be asking more than stating “Maybe because I was wrong, and as much as I hate to be, maybe I'm relieved to have been wrong about her.”

“Do you like her.” he puts the pieces together, having only expected a silly two-week fling from Dorcas, but not this. She shrugs again, but smiles in defeat.

“Has been for quite some time.” she admits and Regulus feels something of a violent punch in the pit of his stomach “Somehow we ended up tied around the hips because of a stupid homework assignment in one of our chair-sharing classes, and I thought I was going to hate every second of it, but Marlene Mckinnon, underneath all her stylish outfit, bleached, choppy hair, and bossy attitude, is just so… Sweet .” she lets the tip of three right-handed fingers brush her lips, as if she could taste it, Regulus looks away from the act, as if it were intimate “She was nothing but pleasant. She's smart, funny, hardworking, has such quick and genuine comments that I found myself laughing so hard next to her that I forgot why I should be hating on her. I forgot what I even hated about her. I forgot if these things even existed.” it's hard to see Dorcas being honest, but when she is, it's like a spring gradually turning into a waterfall. That's what makes Regulus nauseous. Or maybe it's the alcohol.

“No one is going to judge you for being wrong about anything, Cass. Especially about people who are naturally more complicated than an account you got wrong.” he tries to be helpful because he genuinely believes in love.

“I never miss a math account.” she defends herself, only because she still Dorcas and Regulus agrees.

“No, you never miss. But it's okay if you don't get everything right, we'll still hear you.” he assures her.

"So if I tell you to stop drinking because I think you'll regret it tomorrow, will you listen to me?" she asks, her hands going to Regulus' shoulders.

“Absolutely not, it just makes me want to order another drink more.”

Then he turns to order another as Dorcas laughs lightly beside him. He's on vacation, there's no harm in having fun.

The ring rang through his ears about 3 times before being answered, a distant and confused voice on the line. He had arrived home about 20 minutes ago and he was just face buried in his sofa, his cell phone in his pocket as if it was carrying the weight of 20 large stones. So he did what any drunk with little self-preservation does: he called someone.

“Regulus?”

“Jamie!” he squirmed excitedly, arms raised, pushing the phone away from him, noticing only after James' voice sounded far away "Sorry, what?" he turned his face away, managing to breathe better now that he didn't have him buried in the pillow.

“I asked if everything was okay.” a brief pause “Given that you just called me at 11:30 pm.”

“The night is a young adult, James.” he replied, a slight hiccup.

"Wasn't it a child?"

“Yes, but it seems strange and every child goes to bed at 9:00.” he shrugged, even though James couldn't see it.

“I didn’t.” he could hear James's goofy smile “I was going at 10:00.” Regulus chuckled briefly, another hiccup followed.

"Wow, mister good behavior, want a star?" his acid reply, not so different from usual, but more direct than he was all these other days, still made James chuckle softly. He could almost imagine him in front of him, remembering an as-yet-unseen vision of James that suited him well. With his arm around his stomach and his eyes teary from laughing so hard.

"But seriously, did something happen?" he let concern wash over his words, and the younger wanted to cringe a little.

Regulus bit his lip, thinking about it.

“I went out for a drink.” he said in a gust, thumb between his teeth, feeling like he was fifteen years old and spilling a dirty secret. He knows it was a party, but he doesn't think he went out to have fun at it, he was really thinking of turning some with his friends.

“Wow, didn't know you had that in you, little Black.” he replied humorously, which Regulus was kind of grateful for. "Was it nice?"

“It was… kind of weird.” he shrugged, even though there was no one to see him doing it in the apartment.

“Why?”

So Regulus got ready, sat down on the couch carefully, waiting for the dizziness to stop so he could think. James waited in silence as the brunette scored things in his mind. He knew where to start, but it was a strange place to be because he had barely admitted it in therapy, but was he willing to do that with James? Apparently yes.

“Hm, I have this friend… And we've been friends for a long time, and I like him a lot, one of my best friends, but..." he cut himself off briefly, taking courage, "He used to have feelings for me, but I never got around to feeling anything for him, and that's fine, there’s no problem and he moved on. He knows how my attraction works.”

“And how does it work?” James asked quickly, interrupting him briefly. The voice is a little raw.

“Hm, well… To be brutally honest, I think it would take me like 2 years to even start thinking about the possibility of dating someone.”

“Tough game, Reggie.” he joked, and strangely Regulus laughed.

"I'm serious, idiot. And he knew that, but I already knew him for about 5 years and I never… I never saw him like that, you know? I've kissed him at a party, like when you're a 17-year-old idiot who doesn't know how to respect yourself or what you want, and…”

“And?” James encouraged him.

"It felt like I was kissing a wall." he spoke in one breath and James laughed again, a tiny smile on the younger's lips “And don't get me wrong, Barty is a good kisser, I know that-” he broke off, noting that he had let the name slip, his right hand almost theatrically. under the lips.

"So it's Barty!" James cheered.

"What do you mean 'so it's Barty', James Potter?"

“Hey, I liked it better when you called me Jamie, unfair." he grumbled, the heat growing in Regulus's cheeks and not from the alcohol. "Your brother and I used to bet on who you were really dating."

"You what?" he asked in a disbelieving laugh. Maybe if he had been more sober than that, he would have taken it personally and gotten a little angry, but he wasn't sober enough for that.

“Look, your group is pretty… Next, ok? And sometimes Sirius missed you and we made up this game after he said you were probably with your boyfriend, I think he said Evan at the time” Regulus almost choked on his own saliva, Evan? “and a very offended Moony said that Pads was wrong, that you were clearly dating this Barty guy. And then it became a game.” he could imagine James shrugging casually, as if he hadn't said the stupidest thing possible.

"And what was your guess, Sherlock Holmes?" he asked, less acidic than he intended.

“Pandora, obviously, because she's the one you're nicer to. And Pete thinks it's Dorcas, because she's the one who's meanest to you.”

"Dorcas started dating your friend Marlene, didn't she?" he blurted out, fingers catching on a loose thread on the couch and trying to pull. He knows he would hate himself for doing this in the morning.

“She does?!” and only then did Regulus remember that when slightly intoxicated, he had a very loose tongue. Then he bit down on the tip, as if he could punish him for basically revealing the secret relationship of one of his best friends. Well, almost dating, if he got it right.

Of course no one else knew about it, Dorcas barely wanted to tell them that today.

"You didn't hear that from me, Potter. actually you never heard it. you don't even know about this.” James laughed out loud again, a kind of muffled, nasal laugh "I should have just said that Dorcas is a lesbian."

"Yeah, I think that would solve the problem." he joked with his face amidst the laughter “But was I right about Pandora?”

"You were right that I'm nicer to her, but not that I am infatuated with her , she's like my sister.”

"But you never kissed her? Even I kissed Sirius when I was younger.” Regulus scowled at the information he didn't ask for.

“First, disgusting, I didn't need to know that. Second, I never wanted to kiss girls, it's not really my thing.”

"Boys then?" James asked quietly.

“Yeah, boys and stuff, I guess, but no girls and stuff.” he replied shortly, not knowing how well James understood gender issues and not wanting to find out not being sober. James made a surprised noise, as if all the pieces fell into place now.

"So if he dates Evan what's the problem?"

“That he dates Evan.” he said without much thought, not sure if it was the alcohol letting his guard down or James.

"Do you like Barty now?" the same low tone came back, it sounded weird on James, always big and loud.

“No.” he shrugged again, thumbnail between his teeth. "It's just… sometimes I feel like I'm falling behind on things, you know? 24 years old and all my friends can kiss whoever they want and it's not hard for them to find someone and date but me? I give work.”

He thinks of Barty and Evan holding hands, he thinks of the laughter, he thinks of the way Evan's eyes go soft when they look at Barty, and the way Barty's eyes sparkle when they look at Evan. He remembers Dorcas, he remembers her talking about Marlene, and he remembers how she touched her lips thinking about what she was like, sweet , as if she could still feel it. He thinks about how he seems to be wasting more than just time.

"You're no trouble, Regulus."

"I am, James, I am. I've always been hard to love, everything with me is complicated and I can't find a way to make it simple, even for those who love me. Barty did the right thing, I didn't want him and I never saw myself wanting him, so he moved on, he went to Evan, who always wanted Barty, was right there, and it seemed so easy for him to just fall in love with Evan... I think maybe it's easier to stop being in love with me than to fall in love.”

"Regulus…" James said in a low tone, a pause too long for the brain to come out of Regulus's drunken haze. He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

"Sorry, you're not my therapist, I shouldn't treat you like that." he chuckled, with the same aim to lighten the mood, but he didn't think it had the desired impact.

"You know you can talk to me, don't you? I will always be here to listen to you.”

“I know, I know.” he nodded to the empty room, knowing that saying was so much easier than doing.

Then they were silent for a while. Regulus with his thoughts and memories, and James with whatever he would occupy his time on an unwanted call. Then he hears, like a kind of late-night prayer: "I would fall in love with you, Regulus."

James says this, as if telling a child a magical secret, carefully and gently. Regulus' heart missed several beats, as if he had stumbled consecutively on a sidewalk, without being able to pick up the pace again. He tries to take a deep breath only to find that he feels strangely in control, the air hasn't been knocked out of his lungs and he can think clearly. It's still frightening, but James doesn't take away his power, his control.

"Thanks James, I don't think you're too bad either." he tries to come out on top, but he knows it's in vain.

Potter chuckled briefly, then spoke suddenly, surprising Regulus who was already getting better from the alcohol, getting back in control.

“You talk a lot more when you're drunk.”

“I wasn't drunk.” he snorted briefly, a half-baked defence, because he was drunk.

“Of course, love. But you really are more honest after you've had a few drinks, I didn't have to try to ask anything, you just say it. It’s cute.”

"Perhaps you are more trustworthy than you give yourself credit for, Potter."

“ Oh , but I give myself credit, what I do most is give myself credit, Reggie.”

"Okay, that's it, you think too much of yourself, see you later Potter, this conversation never happened." and before he could hear any more complaints from James, he hung up.

A flush lingered on his cheeks, but now completely detached from the drink, his hands tingled and the light bothered him a little. He scrambled to his feet, testing his balance as he walked with his arms outstretched, the phone forgotten between his couch and the missteps of his heart.

The red in his face only went away after a good shower and a couple of bottles of water. The conversation replayed in his head as he tried to kill the spontaneous smile from his face. He felt pathetic, half idiotic, half childish, half fanciful, half blessed . He felt so much in half that he thought even then he would be in danger of overflowing.

He ended the night on his bed's big pillows and a light blanket, the heater doing most of the work in the house, to the point where he barely noticed the chill that still swirled around. He thought tomorrow would snow, he hoped so.

Beside him, his cell phone vibrated, a message from James.

Deerhead

Thank you for trusting me, even under the influence of alcohol.

I like you Regulus

I don't think you're difficult

And Regulus would never admit that his heart gave a little jump. It's not like he's going to fall in love with James G. Potter all over again.  

December 23, 2022

1 day to christmas

Regulus hated drinking, it was official.

He wasn't one to have hangovers, he had a few in his life, but he managed to dodge the vast majority. For some reason he woke up as if a tractor had run over him, and reversed and passed again. His head didn't hurt, but his body for some reason did, he stopped to think that maybe the discharge of different feelings and sensations during a whole day full of social interactions is what killed him that morning.

So he wakes up, takes a shower, and makes the best breakfast possible in his state, which is just scrambled eggs and two sausages. He prepares a coffee with lots of milk and sugar and lets himself relax under the little sun that enters his balcony in winter, while he continues his novel. He knows it's an effort he has to make, those little things he has to briefly strive to accomplish before spending the rest of the day in his bed, recovering from simple social interactions. He knows he works differently and is one of the reasons why so many people run away. It doesn't seem fair, but few things seem fair at his age these days.

When he goes back inside he hears his cell phone ringing from the bedroom, he walks slowly but arrives in time to see James' name on the screen. He half-answers it without thinking, which he realizes not even 2 seconds later was not the best idea.

“Hello?” he asks.

“Reggie, hey.” James greets briefly, and Regulus doesn't want to talk, not just because of his exhaustion, but because he remembers .

“Hey, James. What do you need?” in the back of his head he kills an acid comment that comes to the sound of an annoying line with the nickname Jamie as a soundtrack.

"Um, are you okay?" he asks, so suddenly that Regulus just keeps quiet "From your hangover, in this case, you looked like you had a lot to drink yesterday."

“Ah .” he comments in surprise, moving across the room until he sits on the edge of the bed “Yes, yes. I don't normally have a hangover, I'm just a little exhausted from social interactions anyway.” James makes a lingering noise, one that shows he understands.

“Ok then.” he says then, as if the call was going to end right then and there and it was completely normal for James to call himself out of the blue at 10 am just to see how he was doing, as if they had always done that. Against all the protests in his mind that he just wanted to get this interaction over with, he found himself questioning James.

"What do you mean 'okay then'?" James, why did you call?”

“Because I wanted to know how you were…” he answered simply, but a silence that was too long “And because I wanted to see if we could meet, but! ” he protested “You're clearly very tired, especially of people, and I'm not going to do that to you, especially since tomorrow is a stressful day because of supper with my parents, and you don't even need to be doing that, and I will not take advantage of your kindness.”

Regulus almost swallowed a laugh. James taking advantage of someone's kindness? This he would pay to see.

“James.” he cut off the flow of the older man's words “I think I can decide that for myself, no?”

“Of course, of course, of course.” he agreed, as frantic as ever.

"I don't have much energy for crowded outdoor places, you know somewhere else? I don't mind staying with you, I think we still need to get some things right if we want it to be really convincing. I don't recall Mrs. Potter being an easy woman to deceive.”

“No, she is not.” James chuckled, and in that moment Regulus was reminded of the younger version of Potter. Sometimes he forgets that James is like that, a little brash but so brave that he is even willing to deceive his mother, but ironically for such a pure reason and of genuine concern, that this whole catastrophic situation screams James. Regulus feels a little weak in his legs because of that, it's a good thing he was still sitting down “You can come to my place if you want…”

He swallows hard for a brief moment. Objectively there was nothing much. He could go to James' house, it seemed right, he'd invited him to come and it was kind of his idea, so Regulus would spend the afternoon at his house putting together their stupid plan about their stupid fake dating and they could spend an entire afternoon together as they piece together the stupid boyfriend life they never had.

It looked charming.

“Hm, sure. Yes, maybe.” he replies, a little awkwardly as he moves his right hand across the bed, as if looking for something for his brain to focus on instead of the static that seems to build between them.

“Ok then.” he repeats again, and Regulus bites back a nervous laugh “I'll text you my address then and…”

“What time?” he asks, a little hastily.

"Oh, can it be around 2 pm?" Regulus grunts in agreement “Great, see you later then.”

“Yes. Until later.”

The call is disconnected by James a second too late, Regulus realizing a little too late that the static between them was actually something going through his entire body, like a buzzing reminder of his growing anxiety.

He objectively had no problem spending the afternoon with James, he didn't drain his energy and it was easy to just hang around him, stop talking sometimes and relax a little. He knows that James is a little like that too and he understands. But... There is something strange, different , hanging around them since yesterday. He doesn't know where exactly to put his finger on, doesn't know if it was his drunk call, doesn't know if it was his sad and dramatic story, doesn't know if it was the bad jokes or doesn't even know if it was James' honesty, in fact, he doesn't even know if James meant it with all his truth. But he knew James didn't lie, he didn't tell lies, he didn't like the way they tasted in his mouth, but it seemed like a far bigger lie to hope that… That maybe James would want him. He doesn't want to talk about it or even think about it, so he pretends the static doesn't course through his body and goes to get ready to leave.

Snowed. It did indeed snow, the sun not doing much to help his walk with the flakes falling randomly in their path. He knew it wasn't a blizzard yet, but it was cold enough to freeze his nose and give him agony accidentally stepping in spots with more snow than it looked. But he made it to James' house alive and well, who found out later than he should have that he lived just two streets down from him.

When he rang the bell, he took the opportunity to take off his cap, fixing his hair in a light way, just to not let the curls flat, the door opened in a warm breath, and a James with clothes too small for the Christmas winter answered the door.

“Hey, you came.” he said at first, as if he didn't believe in the possibility of him actually showing up.

"Wasn't I supposed to come?" Regulus asks, only because he wants to annoy James a bit, get his mind off the skin on display on his thighs and calves. He bites back a bitter laugh, because who has nice calves? James Potter apparently.

“No, no!” he hurries on, expression all too characteristically confused “I mean, yes, you should come, I extended the invitation, I just…”

"Do you think I don't honor my commitments?" he asks, because again, it's fun to leave James in a daze, and again, who has nice calves?

“Regulus.” He crosses his arms, much smarter and quicker these days at noticing when the younger one just wants to get under his skin and make him stutter. Regulus has been doing this for a long time, ever since he discovered as a child that James doesn't blush through his cheeks, but through his ears, as he is doing now. Captivating.

"Sorry, was stronger than me. I will try to avoid.” he feels it's a half-truth. He'll try, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to continue.

He enters the house only to feel the stark difference in temperature and hopes the heat shock doesn't make him sick afterwards. He slowly takes off the layer of coats, his boots and scarf, right there in front of him is a pair of pink bunny slippers, he can't hide the smile that outlines his face.

"Lily's slippers lying around?" he asks, discreetly nodding his head forward, finishing removing his boots and leaving only on his thick socks. He hears James scratch his throat briefly.

“No. They're actually mine, I like slippers, so why not have them cute and comfortable?” and that was a point he gave the elder reason for.

The slippers were really comfortable. Comfortable enough that he could almost ignore the tense atmosphere between them. Of course, he had never been to James' house, he only visited Sirius when he had already lived with Remus and for less than two hours, so he never knew how James lived. He knows what his family home is like, the Potter manor with a large front garden and a small vegetable garden and two fruit trees in the large back yard, and somehow he sees the similarity between his family manor and James' mediated house, the way he organizes the decorations and how he uses colors. You can even see Euphemia walking around the place as she organizes and James almost writing down all her tips for having a nice house. Because of course James is that guy, the one who wants to have a nice house not for appearances but for the comfort of others.

He sits down on the big couch and relaxes against one end, his elbow resting on the side support, his feet dragging briefly across the floor beneath him.

He doesn't have the minimum idea what he was supposed to be doing there.

“I'll make tea, will you like some?” James asks, posture rigid, arms steady at his sides and brows a little furrowed.

“Yes, please.” he asks, even though he knows he doesn't want to, just because it feels wrong to deny it to James.

He doesn't know how to score because everything seems so strange, he doesn't even remember a post-drunk moment as strange as that. The thing is, Regulus was just vulnerable, and as much as it almost physically pains him to do that, it was James who walked away admitting things that blurred the lines. and now Regulus was overthinking things that don't even make sense and that they don't even exist because what the hell is he thinking of when there isn't even one to cross?!

He accidentally stomped his foot, the noise loud enough to make James ask if everything was okay from the kitchen.

“Yes, yes. I just let the slipper fall off my foot.” he lies, deciding to take them off just in case and cross his legs on top of the sofa, hands clasped together in his lap as he slumps against the back of the sofa.

Regulus takes the moment to squint his eyes and remind himself that there is no line to smudge, because this isn't some stupid romantic comedy movie that Pandora and Barty like, there is no line to smudge because Regulus doesn't like James, and James doesn't likes Regulus, so there isn't a line. It's all professional, James wants help, Regulus helped him.

Of course, there was no reason why he was helping him in the beginning, but the youngest knows how to be charitable when he needs it, can't he want to help his brother's best friend just because he wants to? Just ‘cause it is the right thing to do? Regulus has it in him, he knows. Of course, if he wasn't lying . But he's lucky — and he never thought he'd say this — that Barty's big mouth always gets in where it doesn't belong, and now he has an excuse and looks less desperate. He might say his motive is kind of pathetic, but he also thinks James's reason is a little too. Cute, but kind of pathetic.

James brings out the tea and announces that it is blackberry, blueberry and vanilla, coincidentally, it is Regulus' favourite. Out of desperation at the strange moment, he decides to tell.

“It's my favourite.”

“I know.” James replies, to his surprise, which he seems to make it clear on his face as soon as he sees James laugh and the red rise in his ears “In Pads and Moony's apartment there is a tea-only area in the kitchen, for Moony, but there are these two boxes kept away from the others. When I found out I knew it wasn't from Pads, because he hates tea, and it couldn't be from Moony because it’s wasn’t with the others, ‘cause he's allergic to blackberries.” he pointed calmly, tea in hand, not seeming to mind the hot pottery “So I asked and he said he saved it for when you went there.”

Thing is, Regulus never had tea at Sirius' house, he never stayed long enough to make it. Sometimes he thinks Sirius is the only one doing something to make their relationship work, as if he's physically incapable of even trying.

“Thanks.” he murmurs briefly, tasting the tea. It's a sweet, milky tea and he knows James has added more sugar to it, as if he already knew Regulus would want more.

It's a strange feeling to be known by someone like James, who does everything with love. The simple act of remembering that Regulus seems to have the urge to develop diabetes at age of 30, seems almost endearing when done by James' dark hands. If he stopped to think about it long enough he could get lost in all the romantic bows James threw between corners and held in his hand. James loves like no one else has ever loved in his eyes.

“What is missing?” he asked, just to cover the awkward silence.

“What do you mean?”

"For us to get it right."

“Oh.” he mutters, focusing on a line in the rug, the steam from the cup not doing his lens any good. "I thought we could forget about it for a minute and just… relax."

“Relax?” Regulus asks uncertainty. Does James want him around?

“Yeah. You look pretty tired from yesterday, as you said. So I thought it might be good for us to watch something for a while and then talked about the plan after.” Regulus doesn't know what James sees in his face, but that makes him continue talking “And besides, we need to look comfortable next to each other, and this is the first time we've met in one private place, and…” He looks between them.

“And it's going bad.” they laugh together at his honesty.

“Yes, catastrophic.” Regulus smiles when he notices how the pressure in James' shoulders improves.

“Ok, we can do this.”

So they do. They argue about what to see, which movies are good, and whether they want something to eat. At the end they are watching a documentary about marine life — but it seems to be more about fishing and is making Regulus extremely angry — and James is asking them for something on his cell phone. The last time he paid attention to agree to something the order appeared to be pizza.

He gets a little lost in the sensations around him as his hunger builds and his attention on the documentary wanes. He thinks about how angry he feels about the documentary's sensationalism and how they never name that within all those interlocking problems, their great catalyst is capitalism, and he considers taking a moment to complain about it to James. That's how he noticed that he could feel his warmth next to him, they weren't touching, of course, — and Regulus couldn't remember a time these days that James had touched him. There must have been, of course, a hand on his shoulder, a touch on his hand, a shoulder scrape, someone always swiped and he got used to it — but he could feel the slight heat nearby, because James had always been a human furnace. He turns his face, only to find the older one very concentrated, the tip of his thumb between his teeth as he nibbles on the skin, so Regulus makes the stupid move of just focusing on that spot.

He remembers when he was younger and found out about James' crush on Lily, he remembers when he found out they were dating, but he remembers even more vividly when he saw them kissing. It only happened once, Regulus was 19 and Lily and James were newly dating at 20, with puberty hormones still knocking a little on the door. He doesn't know what came over him to this day, to just stay and observe, like he was some pervert — which he wasn't. Not in that sense, at least — but he did, and maybe the way James gripped Lily's waist and moved her head, stayed too much in his mind. Because he still remembers, he knows that if he closes his eyes, he can still remember.

Regulus knows he shouldn't have come to this party. He knows he should be home and watching 10 Things I Hate About You with Dorcas, he mostly knows his brother will be there, and that seeing Sirius and his friends on a Saturday night is the last thing he wants to do.

But somehow he still found himself at the damn party on Saturday night with Sirius' friends around.

He could say it's a bad arrangement, but he's 19, he's bored, his friends know how to party, and maybe he's still having trouble with James Potter. So he could take that moment to slide into his own petty attitude and see James dancing, the shirt a few buttons undone and that stupid grin he kind of wanted to wipe off Potter's face. Maybe with his own mouth.

Regulus is 19 years old, has a terrible crush on his brother's best friend, is slightly drunk and he urgently needs to do something about it.

So he walks around the party, among the bodies and goes for more drinks, because apparently he doesn't know how to think straight. He goes after more, and while he waits, he looks around. He doesn't remember seeing Sirius since Remus appeared, having thanked any and all entities for not having met Remus tonight, in this state. He genuinely feared that if he spoke to any of his brother's boys today he would blurt out about the absurd crush he had on James. Maybe even say it to Potter's face so he would learn. — teach him what he doesn't know but wants to do anyway.

In the distance he notices the red hair he learned to find at least 2 weeks ago, just because he knows that if he moves his head a little more, he will find James. What he finds, gracefully clasped in Lily's large arms, his usual goofy smile, his face almost hidden by his voluminous hair girlfriend . Oh yes, James is now dating Lily Evans, dating the girl of his dreams after so many years of puppy dog eyes for anything she did. Regulus saw the rise right under his nose, watched with the same loving eyes as James went and fell in love.

Maybe Regulus still hated himself a little bit, because he just stood there, watching. The new glass handed to him abandoned on the table, his elbows propped back on the wood, his gaze fixed on James moving so naturally and radiantly, that for a moment he might have lied and thought he couldn't see the red strands. Not that he could, all of his attention was on James and nothing could take that away from him. Not even when he bent down to kiss Lily in the middle of the crowd.

With such masochism he watched the thick, dark lips part, James kissed with an occasional smile on his face, and he could almost feel the shape against his cheek. He wanted to close his eyes, he didn't know if to not see or if just to imagine it was him. Anyway, it was kind of pathetic. But he kept his eyes wide open, watching the way Potter ran his left hand firmly around Lily's waist, how he buried his right hand in the long strands. James kissed like he was holding his most prized possession, like he couldn't get enough of it, so he just grabbed and grabbed and grabbed, it was a little breathtaking.

By the time they were finished, Lily as red as her hair and James almost as radiant as the sun, the friends around them were making fun of their affectionate act. Sirius being the catalyst for both the laughs and the brief applause and slaps on the back from James, as if they hadn't been publicly dating for two weeks and this was some kind of spectacle to be celebrated. Regulus has never been kissed in a crowd, he doesn't know what it feels like, and maybe it wasn't about the romantic act in public, maybe it was just the fact that it was James.

Lily walked away, hair behind her ears, face flushed, step awkward as she left a dazzling James behind. Idiot. Regulus thought, wondering how he would never be able to leave James' side if he was kissed like that. The thing is, Regulus would do anything to be kissed like that.

Idiot . That was what Regulus was. Bitter. He completed as he turned around, James' smile searing his pupils. Second option. He added, before snorting lightly and drinking some. Whiskey, he hated whiskey. You weren't even an option, Regulus. He thought the truth he didn't want to admit, she went down burning. Burning like whiskey. Burning like James' smile. Burning like James' touch. Burning like your passion.

Idiot.

Regulus wants to kiss James. The same burning need as when he was nineteen. He wants to. Maybe he does. Need. Him might die if him doesn’t.

"I think I prefer romances like that." James' words cut through his thoughts. Which at the moment was just a flurry of times he'd seen James' lips, hands, jaw, kisses. And he imagined how all those things must feel.

“What?” he asked, clearly off topic. He then noticed how his gaze was on a fixed point on the living room rug and the tip of his thumb between his teeth. On the tv there seemed to be a movie that James had just put on.

"Right person, wrong time? Well, more or less. It's the right person, the wrong time, but then the time passes, the right person and the right time.” he explained, control passing from one hand to the other.

"And what about it?" Regulus asked again, still lost, but pretending not to be so much.

“I think it's my favourite kind of movie.” he answers. Regulus frowns.

“Sad?” James laughs a little loudly.

“No, no. It's just… Kind of romantic, I don't know.” he shrugs “Of course, it's sad the first time, and a little frustrating when nothing fits and maybe they work out with other people, but it's so rewarding to see them meet again and slowly fall in love again .” he moved his gaze to Regulus, who was already staring at him “I think there's a certain romance in second chances.”

Regulus tries not to physically bite his tongue, the weight of knowing that it wasn't even a choice in the first place, so there was no way he would have a second one. Even if James flirts with him, even if James understands him, even if James says any and all romantic crap while he's under the influence of alcohol. Regulus was always the second option, but for James he wasn't even considered.

So maybe it's anger at the truth that makes him make that decision. A stupid and reckless, but still decision.

"We should kiss." he says, in something far more controlled than he feels. He sees James' doe eyes widen and how his shoulders seem to heave with tension. A deer caught in the headlights.

“Uh-hm-Wh-what?” James asks shakily, lightly scratching his throat when his voice breaks at the end. Regulus watches as he swallows hard.

“Kiss, James.” he repeats, as if that were all the context needed. It wasn't, Regulus knew, but how could he tell James that the context was that he needed to taste Potter at least once and that would be the only opportunity James would ever choose him? Regulus is many things, a desperate man is one of them, but never a stupid man. Sometimes you just need to take what life gives you.

“Do you think we should… try it first?” James asked after the awkward silence, shoulders hunched and hands clasped together in his lap.

Regulus thought for a brief moment. Sure, it's fake dating, why not use that excuse? Boyfriends kiss, don't they?

“Yes, of course. That's right, that's what boyfriends do, isn't it? Kiss.” the relaxed posture on the sofa was great theatre, he didn't know if he was trying to convey confidence or hide the lie better, he hoped that at least one of the roles was playing. James shrugged

“Sure.” James agreed without much thought, watching closely the back of James' head after he moved closer, Regulus still leaning against the back of the sofa, tension dancing through his broad shoulders.

The elder looked over his shoulder, his tongue curling up to pass his lips, a movement that Regulus followed carefully.

“Can I kiss you?” James asked, still in the same position, eyes wide and intent, an arm around his body, as if he was protecting himself. Regulus laughed low, trying to sound natural.

“Of course you can, James.” he shrugged, crawled a bit across the couch until he was closer to James' back. "Can I kiss you?" he asked in a lower tone, noting James' nervousness.

"If it's that necessary…" he rolled his eyes, the act so unassuming and out of place with his body, it made the taller one chuckle a little.

Regulus rested his left hand on the sofa and let his right hand travel to the brunette's chin, his long fingers gripping his strong jaw, the contrast between his cool fingertips and James' heated skin, which jumped a little in place in fright. Captivating , Regulus thought, biting back a smile that wanted to grow on his lips, he never thought of thinking about describe someone as captivating , it seemed too childish to compare James, a 25-year-old guy, with something as delicate as that word. A word he would use to describe babies' laughter and flowers in bloom. but James was captivating .

The dark lips parted in a quick breath, the angle not the most favourable, but Regulus was willing to make it work briefly. It was just a practice, a contact that should feel natural when it was actually necessary, for the sake of his lies, for the sake of his goals. For the sake of your selfishness. Regulus could be selfish, couldn't he?

Regulus knows all about wanting, and never being able to. Maybe it's time for him to know the side of yearning and to take .

James' lips were warm, like his whole body, like his whole being, like maybe all his thoughts were. Regulus expected to be bathed in rays of sunlight when he finally kissed James, the accumulation of all his shameful wants and desires into a young and stupid will, but nothing happened. The ground beneath his feet didn't disappear, the air around him didn't turn to shooting star dust, and he felt as normal as he ever felt. It was his first kiss with James Potter and he didn't feel much like a princess being saved by her prince. He chuckled at that thought, the kiss being broken by it as James pulled away confused.

"I'm such a bad kisser it's almost a joke?" he asked humorously, Regulus controlling his weak laugh.

“No, that's not it, sorry.” the youngest replied in light chuckles, his soft gaze rising to James' flushed face. "I guess that's how we learn we're not good at it?" he asked, sure of James' answer. But the older one's eyes danced around the room a little, his brows furrowing slightly for seconds and the corners of his mouth dropping down.

He looked stunned as he answered, “Hm, yes.” he laughed awkwardly, squeezing the pillow that Regulus noticed between his arms, against his chest “I think we agreed on that.” he finished, Regulus agreed with a weight, while James stood up, his face disappearing from his vision “I'll get the pizza, it'll be here soon.” and then he was gone, disappearing into the entryway and leaving Regulus slumped on the couch, as if his heavy heart was a literal anchor in his chest.

He took what he wanted and learned that the truth comes out no matter what you do: that maybe Regulus wasn't made to kiss James.

"I kissed him." "Regulus might have been given some lessons in how to start a conversation, but he was your best friend, so why postpone the inevitable? She would look at him and know instantly.

“James?!” Pandora asks, automatically euphoric. Regulus nods briefly just once. She jumps in place “Regulus, finally! Tell me everything this very second!”

She drags Regulus around her small apartment. Regulus left James' house around 6 pm and went straight to Pandora's house, even with the supposed snowfall that was approaching. They walked through the already small space, which seemed tiny from the amount of plants the blonde had hung all over the place, seriously, even from the fucking ceiling. They sat down on the white sofa and Pandora followed, holding her hands in her lap, large eyes steady on her face, as if she knew Regulus wanted to run. What he wants, craves for it perhaps. Regulus has been wishing for a lot of things lately and none of them are taking him to a better place. Maybe Regulus wasn't made to wish, but God , he wants, he wants so much. Mostly he wants to go back to James' apartment and make that kiss magical, with his own hands .

“It was normal.” he answers, and sees how the girl's shoulders slump, the smile falling a little.

“I'm not buying this shit. You've just kissed your childhood crush and it was normal ?” he sighs, I always knew this conversation wouldn't necessarily be easy or pleasant.

“Yes, Dora. It was normal.” he sighs, and Pandora sees right through it. See the truth and disappointment .

“ Oh .” murmured her, from Regulus's presence.

“Yes, oh .” he mutters bitterly.

“I'm very sorry.”

“Don't be, but it's nice to know that anything I might feel for him is pretty much dead already. Better that way, isn't it?”

He watches her frown, opens her mouth to respond, but is completely cut off by a voice in the short hallway to her room, until a head of red hair appears.

“Panda?” and that's when he sees, wild red hair, thick thighs covered only by a very loose, well-worn shirt, that he has seen Pandora wearing, a cat trapped in the short arms, stretching and extremely green eyes, wide in his direction.

“Lily Evans?!”