Chapter Text
“You should talk to her,” Johanna said, reclining on her elbows with a stalk of grass in the corner of her mouth and a pair of her favorite aviators blocking the surprisingly bright April sunshine. As one of the very few muggleborn Slytherins around, she felt it was a duty of hers and those like her to represent her heritage- or so the official line of explanation went when McGonagall would swoop down like a bird of prey, mouth stern with Scottish disapproval at Johanna’s more interesting outfits.
Today Johanna was wearing a pair of skinny jeans that were so ripped, you could see more skin than material when she walked and a corset that left nothing to the imagination. God bless the weekends.
“I can’t just talk to her,” Peeta shot her a dirty look, which for supposedly being the nicest guy in their year, he could do real well.
“What am I going to say?...” he screwed up his face, “hey Katniss, you don’t know me- but I’ve been watching you since first year, in an entirely non-creepy way. Doesn’t that just make you want to date me?”
Johanna slid her sunglasses down a notch and fixed Peeta with a deeply unimpressed eye. “Listen up buttercup, it’s not my fault that you’re suffering from a six year case of epic blue balls. Don’t get snippy with me.”
Peeta smiled at her, leaning forward to nudge her with an elbow- “sorry Jo, it’s just- you know how it is…” he trailed off, dimples making tiny little grooves in his cheeks, wind blowing through his ash blonde hair.
Somewhere to the side, Johanna could hear a pack of Hufflepuffs sighing forlornly at the sight. One of them looked like she was going to make a break for it and launch herself at Peeta any moment now. Two of the other Puffs, perhaps sensing their friend’s impending doom or maybe even the force of Johanna’s glare, held her back, whispering platitudes while still staring at Peeta with visible hearts in their eyes.
“It’s just,” Peeta sighed and ripped a chunk of grass out, scattering the various pieces as he talked. Poor boy always became more thoughtlessly violent when it came to Katniss, “she’s just so great Jo, so strong and ballsy.” He turned to Johanna, eyes beaming that special brand of innocence only he could pool off without looking like a loon- “you know that she took care of her whole family before she got her Hogwarts letter?”
Johanna groaned, flopping back in the grass with a deeply pained sigh. “I know Peeta, you’ve told me. Again and again. Katniss Everdeen is the sun to your earth, the moon to your stars. A rainbow shines out of her goddamn ass and you’re the unicorn that prances to its shiny, shiny beat…”
There was a suspicious silence on the other end.
Johanna cracked open one eye to see Peeta staring at her with a deeply judgmental look on his face. “You don’t understand my love for her,” he intoned.
Johanna could have taken him easy and for one glorious, brief, shining moment she actually considered it. Might have done him more good than panting after Everdeen would ever do but then again, there was six years of history between them and even at eleven- Johanna had the good taste to pick a best friend so likeable and unassuming that even the most sly of Slytherins tended to give them a wide berth, and nobody looked at them twice when Gryffindor tower would start overflowing or there’d be a parade of little, slimy green frogs all decked out in their finest red and gold down the Great Hall tables.
Instead, she picked herself off the grass and pushed her sunglasses tightly against her face. “I’m going to go,” Johanna told him, “before I snap and kick you in your kidneys.”
Peeta, apparently over his brief moment of verbal insanity and blushing a dull, brick red just nodded. “Sorry,” he shrugged his shoulders and a passing Ravenclaw let out a tiny squeak at the sight.
Peeta’s shoulders were no joke.
Over the last two summers, he had started working at a muggle bakery and without the alternative of magic- muscles had started sprouting on him at a rate that Johanna started finding faintly alarming and then just amusing.
“Peets,” Johanna took a deep breath and tried not to let any of her natural cynicism and sarcasm through, “you’ve got to talk to her.” She nodded over in the direction of the lake where they last saw Katniss disappear. “I’m your best friend but even I’ve got to tell you that your epic love affair with Katniss Everdeen can never begin until you get your head out your ass and actually talk to the girl.”
She then stooped low and before Peeta could react, grabbed the little pile of torn up grass and smushed it furiously into his hair.
Johanna could still hear him spluttering as she walked past the Hufflepuffs when an idea, a truly terrible, awful idea struck her and she snagged the arm of the blondest looking Puff around her.
“Undersee, right?” Johanna smiled and Undersee shuddered. Good girl, nobody did well when Johanna Mason started smiling.
“Madge,” the Puff squeaked back before straightening, shoulders firm and spine steely. “My name is Madge.”
Well hell, the Hufflepuff had some hidden reserve of strength to her. This idea actually might work. Impressed, Johanna could feel her smile becoming a little more real and a little less feral. She swung her arm around Madge Undersee’s shoulders and edged her out of the pack of her yellow-scarf clad brethren.
“Madge,” Johanna gave her a wink, “how’d you like to get to know Peeta Mellark a little better?”
Madge did not look amused, “you mean the Peeta Mellark that’s so hung up on Katniss Everdeen that he might as well be glued to her?”
Johanna paused to reconsider her initial approach. “I'm going to try and make Everdeen jealous of our wonder-boy over there, so I’ll get you whatever you want if you act like you’re interested in Peeta.” She paused, “within reason, of course.”
Undersee, because she was back to last name basis on account of actually having common sense, looked thoughtful- “you’re friends with Haymitch Abernathy, right?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Johanna held up her hands and took a step back, “I can’t get you Abernathy. He’s involved in this long and sordid thing with Trinket- those two are really into their hexing and various creative curses, and I have more sense than to go against her.” She leaned into Undersee’s personal space, “have you seen the nails on that one?”
Undersee made a face at Johanna, “that’s not what I meant. Why is it that everything has to do with sex when it comes to you?”
Clearly, Johanna needed to put the fear back into the general population’s soul.
She eyed Undersee and wistfully contemplated filling the Hufflepuff Common Room with condoms and honey. Maybe even honey-coated condoms. Then, she thought about how long it would probably take the Hufflepuffs to figure out what the condoms were for, and how the last time she had pranked Antonia Smith- her father had come down on Hogwarts like the hand of god, until Headmaster Potter had done his angry, squinty eyed thing and had said ‘So Zacharias, it’s been a while since we’ve talked. Why don’t you step into my office? and the elder Smith, pale and drawn had stumbled in after him.
God, Johanna loved the Headmaster. Granted, he was gay as a maypole flag and if one considered the heated glances him and Professor Malfoy would send each other during meal times, he was also very, very taken. It didn’t take away any of her admiration though and Johanna had sailed through six years of school very comfortable in the knowledge that Headmaster Potter was the perfect man for her, if it wasn’t for the pesky twenty year age difference and the fact that he preferred cock.
Who didn’t?
Back to Undersee though, there was planning to be done and blackmail smelled like hope on the horizon. “What do you want?” Johanna shifted in place.
Somewhere ahead, Peeta was seeking refuge with other Slytherins, looking hunted and desperate as the Hufflepuffs boxed him in from every direction.
Johanna smiled. They had style.
“I want Plutarch Heavensbee’s lecture notes for Potions, Astronomy and Ancient Runes- him and Haymitch are best friends, he can make it happen,“ Undersee said in a low undertone, looking crazy around the eyes and also like a big, giant cheater.
The respect from earlier came roaring back with a vengeance.
Johanna snorted and swung an arm around the shorter girl’s shoulders. “You know Undersee,” she said companiably, “it’s really a shame that we haven’t hung out before. You seem just like my kind of girl.”
“Oh,” Undersee said and shifted away, “I’m not into girls. Sorry.”
Maybe, Johanna sighed, she wouldn’t fill their Common Room with honey. Maybe she’d just do it to the Hufflepuff girls’ dormitory.
+
The oatmeal was a little lumpy. Johanna stirred it disinterestedly, watching it gloop back down off her spoon.
Peeta dropped into his customary space next to her, smelling fresh off the showers and looking like he had gone ten rounds with an angry hippogriff last night.
Those Hufflepuffs really meant business.
“I’m going to get you for that,” he said conversationally and reached over for some pudding.
“Oh whatever,” Johanna poured herself some more coffee, “you could have gone to Pomfrey you big drama queen instead of showing up to breakfast looking like death warmed over. Also a prostitute.” The bags under his eyes were so dark that they blended perfectly with his robes, his lips looked raw and he was covered in lovebites.
Peeta looked hilariously indignant. “I did, she said that she’s had enough of me getting into trouble with the ladies and to try saying no next time.”
“Why didn’t you?” Johanna cocked her head.
Peeta’s nostrils flared as he turned his head, turning the left side of his neck to her- “I did. This was the answer.” The hickey, if it could be called that, looked like a vampire had gone to town on him. An angry bruised looking thing, it covered his pale skin and stood out prominently. It made the love bites look like mosquito bites.
“Oh Peets,” Johanna sighed and took out her wand, “what would you do without me?”
He was terrible at healing spells and terrible at Quidditch, despite the fact that he probably had the perfect build to be a Beater and he was also Johanna’s best friend- he was also sometimes a first class dork. Her first friend that she made in Hogwarts and the only one that never gave up on her.
She hugged him in a rare burst of fondness. “You’re alright Peets,” Johanna said and then smacked a wet, saliva-filled kiss on him. Tradition from the very first time she had kissed him when they were eleven.
Peeta laughed at her, “don’t think this will stop my swift and terrible vengeance.”
“Looking forward to it,” Johanna told him and meant it. She stood up and grabbed an apple to go, “I’ve got to go find Abernathy. Cover for me with Malfoy?”
Peeta’s face twisted, “come on now. How many times is this?”
“Hey,” Johanna pointed at him with her index finger, “it’s not my fault that Malfoy thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread and bleached blonde hair. As my best friend,” she paused, “nay, my brother from another mother- it is your sacred duty to cover for my lateness.”
Peeta stared up at her. “How many cups of coffee did you have?”
“Four,” Johanna said with great dignity and then shoved a treacle tart down the back of Peeta’s shirt before booking it out of the Great Hall like a pack of dementors were after her.
He might have been pants at healing spells, but Peeta could still do a basic scourgify.
Johanna was too busy cackling madly as she ran and Peeta was swearing up a blue streak. Neither one of them noticed the twin dark looks that were being directed at them from the Gryffindor table.
+
Johanna found Abernathy in one of the unused classrooms on the fourth floor, standing on top of a desk and turning the ceiling into one big mirror. The walls were draped in heavy, purple velvet and he had turned half the lights into incense holders. There were also various, ornate looking sofas and beanbag chairs strewn throughout. The classroom looked like a vaguely Middle Eastern bordello.
“Um,” Johanna cleared her throat in the doorway, smiling genially as Abernathy glared darkly at her, “do I want to know?”
“Probably not,” he said, “what are you doing here?”
“I need a favour,” Johanna walked into the sex dungeon and took a deep breath, “and patchouli? Really?”
“Shut up,” Abernathy hopped off his desk, apparently satisfied that his mirrored ceiling would reflect whatever perverted sexual acts he would be performing, “and what kind of favour?”
“I need you to get me Plutarch’s notes for Potions, Astronomy, Runes and Transfiguration-“ while she was at it, it had been a good long while since she had gotten anything above an A in McGonagall’s classroom and clearly, the day had come when this would change.
“Hmm,” Haymitch hummed thoughtfully before cocking his head and narrowing his eyes at her in the universally Slytherin gesture of interest. “What do I get in return?”
“What do you want?” Johanna took a step back, just in case. Abernathy was a friend and he was predictable usually, but he had been spending a lot of time with Gryffindor’s finest and most brightly colored so Merlin only knew what was on his mind.
He grinned and took out his wand. Johanna tensed. “Don’t worry,” Abernathy said soothingly, which really did nothing for her nerves, “I just need to test out a spell on you. I give you my word that no harm will befall you.”
Johanna snorted.
Abernathy held up his right palm and placed it over his heart. “Slytherin’s honor.”
Somewhere out there, Peeta probably still smelled like treacle and was most likely still mooning over Everdeen.
Johanna sighed. “I want an oath.”
They touched wands and Haymitch intoned, “ I promise that no spells uttered within the next hour will be aimed towards harming Johanna Louise Mason. On this I do solemnly vow my magic.” The magic flared bright between them and then raced up into their elbows.
“Fine,” Johanna tucked her wand away, “let’s do this.”
Haymitch had a look of unholy glee as he stood in front of her.
Johanna grimly reminded herself about Peeta and then pictured what the next year would look like if she didn’t get him laid soon.
There were not enough psychotropic drugs in the world.
“Stay calm,” Haymitch said like that wasn’t ominous at all and then started to mutter something under his breath, low enough that Johanna couldn’t catch it. There was a pause and then chains were descending from the ceiling, low Arabic sounding music began to play from somewhere unseen and Johanna had the uncontrollable desire to do a shimmy and quite possibly do it while naked.
Peeta better appreciate everything she was doing for him.
+
There was a very neat spell that Peeta had read about in a compendium of dark arts once. Johanna was going to have to find it in order to forget what she had just seen. No obliviate would be enough.
She skulked down the corridor, the note from Haymitch to Plutarch still in her hands. Her shaking, shaking hands and thought about possibly trading her soul for some Firewhiskey right about now.
Years of Slytherin living and being as cunning as possible while pranking every other house and stealing food from the kitchens had taken their toll, so that when Effie Trinket appeared from a stairwell- Johanna slid smoothly into the shadowy alcove of a tapestry with Brunhila Imelidge on it and held her breath.
Was that a…whip tucked into the back of Effie’s belt? Johanna was about to lean forward and maybe try and see where her long-suffering sanity had taken off to when a hand pulled her back.
There was a reason why muggleborns in Slytherin were rare.
Johanna swung without hesitating, jumping back just in time to see Gale Hawthorne fall out of the tapestry behind her.
He landed on his knees, groaning as he glared at her. “What the hell was that for?” The floor creaked alarmingly beneath him.
“That was for being a creepy stalker and assaulting a young, uncorrupted female in a dark hallway!” Johanna shouted back at him.
She then paused and flushed darkly.
Gale was watching her with incredulity. Both of them simultaneously decided to leave her previous statement alone.
“I might have, there is a small possibility that I might have ingested too much caffeine this morning,” Johanna explained.
“Ah,” Gale nodded before getting to his feet slowly. He rubbed at the inside of his thigh with a scowl. “You kick like a donkey,” he informed Johanna, “anyone ever tell you that?”
Johanna gaped at him before slamming her mouth shut and shoving a finger in Gale’s chest. “Yeah?” she narrowed her eyes. “Well you’ve got a big head, your pecs are starting to look more like manboobs and you’ve really got to get in control of those anger issues of yours!”
“Also,” Johanna continued, “you’re a Gryffindor and the lot of you are savages that wouldn’t know a compliment to a lady if it bit them in the ass.”
“And you have terrible hair,” she finished.
Gale stared silently at her for a moment before visibly shaking his head and asking- “are you dating Peeta Mellark?”
Ew, ew, ew. There were things out there that one should never think of or picture under the threat of extreme disgust and possibly projectile vomiting. Johanna shuddered.
“Well, I guess that explains that-“ Gale said thoughtfully, still watching her with a strange expression on his face that she couldn’t understand, didn’t want to. “So-“ he took a deep breath and stepped closer, “do you want to-“
The floor made an ominous sound between them, old wood that they had never bothered to replace in this section of the castle and it figured, it fucking figured that this would happen to her. There was a brief second of panic before Johanna wrapped her arms around Gale and the floor collapsed below them.
She really hoped that she’d land on him. It would serve the bastard right for being such a creeper.
His hair wasn’t that bad though- was Johanna’s last thought before they hit the ground.