Chapter Text
| C-136 | B-290 |
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“Wake up Morty, wake up, it's important.” The sleeping boy groaned, and rubbed his eyes. What was Rick up to this time? Morty always got drafted into helping his grandfather's crazy plans, which were usually dangerous, unethical, illegal or all three combined. “Aww geez, Rick, can't this wait until morning?” Morty complained. “It's like, four o'clock or something, you're gonna make me fall asleep in class again.” “Listen, Morty, this is important. The three moons of Xebular in dimension B-290 are gonna align in thirty minutes, do you know what that means?” Rick paced around in Morty's room, buzzing with manic energy. “Uhh, I dunno Rick—” “It means that the tide is gonna go out! The tide is gonna go out and we're gonna be able to harvest lots of crystals growing from the ocean floor. I need those crystals, Morty, I need them to power my robots, my robots that do the science. But we gotta get there before the tide comes up, so hurry up!” “All right, all right!” Morty snatched his jeans from the floor and scootched each leg up. It was not until he was fumbling with the buttons that he realized he'd put his pants on inside-out. Rick tapped his foot impatiently. “Shake a leg, slowpoke, you're not the one with one foot in the grave. Here, take some of this stuff.” Rick pulled out a bag of white powder from his labcoat pocket. “It'll really wake you up, I mean bam! Better than a near death experience!” “I'm not going to snort coke at four am!” “Relax, Morty, it's just caffeine. Hold on, I'm gonna fix us up some lines.” Rick pushed aside the action figures and unfinished homework on Morty's desk and cut two lines of white powder, one three times as long as the other. Rick took out a crisp hundred dollar bill and rolled it into a tube, using it as a straw to snort the long line. “Woo, that's strong! Your turn.” The boy hesitantly took the rolled bill. He tilted his head, squinched his eye shut, and inhaled sharply. A burst of pain exploded in his nasal cavity. “Achoo!” The remaining powder flew into the air. “Geez, Morty, glad I didn't spring for the good stuff. Now let's get crack-a-lackin, we're burning moonlight!” Rick pulled out his portal gun and fired it, creating a green spiral of light. The mad scientist pulled Morty by the arm into the portal. There was the familiar slimy-slickness of piercing the membrane between dimensions— |
“Hey Morty, hey, hey, wake up.” A thin hand shook Morty Smith's bare shoulder. The boy stirred and propped himself up. “What's wrong, Rick, did you have a nightmare again? It's like the third time this week,” said Morty. “You should steal some of Mom's sleeping pills.” “No can do. I took too many, they don't work on me anymore.” Rick reached for his flask and took his first swig of booze for the day, swishing it around like mouthwash. “And this time was on purpose. The three moons of Xebular are gonna align in thirty minutes, and they make the acid, the-the ocean, they make the tide go out. And do you know what's on the bottom of that ocean?” “No?” “Crystals, Morty! Power crystals! I need those crystals, Morty, I need them to power my robots, my robots that do the science. But we gotta get there before someone poaches them, so hurry up!” Rick grabbed his blue shirt and pulled it over his head. “All right, all right, I'm coming,” Morty yawned. He reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head as he found it, both inside out and backwards. “Fuck, Morty, you're a mess.” Rick had already dressed, his belt on and shirt tucked in. “You need an upper or you'll be useless to me.” Rick pulled out a bag of white powder from his labcoat pocket. Pushing off the chip bags and condom wrappers on Morty's desk, he cut two lines of white powder, one three times as long as the other. Using a rolled hundred dollar bill, Rick inhaled the longer line straight up his nose. “Your turn, kid.” “Gee, thanks, Rick,” said the boy, following Rick's lead. As soon as the last bit of white powder disappeared, Morty's eyes widened. “Woah, this stuff is great! I feel like I could punch a bear!” “Don't get too cocky, it's just anhydrous caffeine. Morty, you got no tolerance for the good stuff. Now, let's go!” Rick pulled out his portal gun and fired it, creating a green spiral of light. The mad scientist pulled Morty by the arm into the portal. There was the familiar slimy-slickness of piercing the membrane between dimensions— |
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—and then they were on the obsidian shores of the planet Xebular. Up in the sky, three moons lined up in the purplish sky like a perfect billiards shot. A sea of arsenical green retreated towards the horizon, revealing jagged groves of cerulean crystals. It looks like they weren't the only ones here for the harvest. A few feet down the beach portaled in another Rick and Morty pair. “Hey, what are you doing here?” Rick shouted. “What does it look like?” said Other Rick. “I'm jacking your crystals, bro!” “I'm sorry, Rick, you must be crys-taken,” said the first Rick. Morty and Other Morty groaned at the pun. “You're trespassing in my home universe. I could report you to the Council and haul your ass to Rick Prison. They don't take kindly to poaching.” “Well, it's not like I was going to wait five hundred years until the moons aligned in my universe. Grandpa needs himself a new pair of grappling shoes!” The two Ricks circled each other in a Mexican standoff, eyes narrowed, fingers prickling. They both reached into their labcoat pockets— “Stop!” The Mortys ran between the Ricks, holding their arms outstretched like a human shield. “You're like brothers, or-or clones. Rick should not fight fellow Rick.” Both Ricks scoffed at the Mortys' peacemaking. “Ever heard of Darwin, huh? Survival of the fittest?” said one Rick. “It's how Mother Nature weeds out the week,” agreed the other Rick. “The best Ricks get to do the best science.” “But there's an entire ocean full of crystals.” said a Morty. “That's more than you'll use in a lifetime.” “And besides, isn't the tide coming in soon?” pointed out the other Morty. The Ricks glared at each other. “It's the principle of the thing, I-I can't let any old Rick steal my shit right out from underneath my nose,” said a Rick. “Well, if we keep fighting, none of us are going to—urrp—get any crystals,” said the other Rick. “We've already wasted ten minutes, the tide's only going to be out for another fifteen. We gotta-gotta put aside our differences, work together for once, you know what I'm saying?” “Yeah, yeah, I hear ya.” “Tell you what, we'll pool our Mortys for the harvest, then split the crystals 50-50.” “I'm thinking more 70-30.” “Oh, look at this, my hand is dialing Rick XBB-570, you know, the one who perfected the Morty cloning technology? I'm sure he'd be happy to lend some extra manpower over to help with the harvest.” “You hate that guy as much as I do. When all you have is Mortys, everything looks like a low-res porno.” “Hey!” “Don't complain, Morty, I'm the one who keeps routing the internet so our neighbors get all the DCMA notices. Anyway, I'll count this as a 'collaboration' this time, but I'm keeping my eye on you, Rick.” “Fine, Rick,” said the other Rick. With the combined efforts of two Rick-and-Mortys, the harvest proceeded smooth as a 21-year-old scotch. One Rick used the portal gun to sever a spire of crystal at the base, then the Mortys pushed the crystal through a portal directed by the other Rick. By the time the acid ocean was lapping at their shoes, both backyards were piled high with blue crystals. “All right, time to pack it in,” said a Rick. “Good job, team!” The Mortys gave each other a high-five. “So, this 'teamwork' thing turned out pretty well. You know, you're all right, for a council asskisser.” “Same for you, rogue agent. Let's keep in touch.” The two Ricks exchanged dimensional coordinates while the Mortys hugged goodbye. “Hey, it was fun working with you, Morty.” “Yeah, Morty, I didn't throw my back or get a hernia at all this time. You know, I got a copy of the newest racing game, you know, the one with the non-copyright infringing Italian plumber?” “Wow, it hasn't even come out yet in my dimension.” “You should come over and check it out.” “Sure!” “All right you two, give your farewell kisses and let's go.” The Ricks and the Morties paired up to portal back to their home dimensions. “Bye! See ya later!” |
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Rick and Morty reappeared in Morty's bedroom, where their adventure had started. “That was fun! I didn't get shot at once. We should hang out with other Ricks and Mortys more.” “Yeah, well, I didn't want to call you out in front of the other—urrp—Rick, but your shirt was inside out and backwards the whole time.” “Aww, man, you should have let me know.” “Well, take it off, before you go to bed. You've got a long day ahead of you.” |
Rick and Morty reappeared in Morty's bedroom, where their adventure had started. “That was fun! I didn't get maimed once. We should hang out with other Ricks and Mortys more.” “Yeah, well, your pants were inside out the whole time, Morty.” “Geez, Rick, you should have told me,” Morty pouted. “Now they're gonna think I'm such a slob.” “Hey, you done good, kid.” Rick ruffled Morty's hair. “Now go to bed. We've got a long day ahead of us.” |