“Oh shit. Oh shitohshitohshit.”

It was an accident. Or maybe there was a villain that was trying to get rid of the evidence (and now pushing that particular chore onto her).

Because earlier today, Uraraka “Uravity” Ochaco had been with Ryukyu on a drugs bust, one that involved tackling down low-level pushers and suppliers as they climbed up the hierarchy from the users to the dealers and up to the manufacturers.

One of ‘em must have done this.

Perhaps it was that man in the blue jacket? She had found similar things on him.

Or was it his partner, the woman with the white hair?

Either way, Uraraka Ochaco had a baggie of crack cocaine in her hands, and Aizawa-sensei was discussing the results of his dorm inspection with Yaomomo directly above her.

I need’ta get rid of this right the fuck yesterday .

=

CRACK FIC

A MY HERO ACADEMIA ONE-SHOT

ROGUEVECTOR PUBLISHING presents “CRACK FIC”

a ROGUE VECTOR fanfiction in partnership with ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN

starring URARAKA OCHACO, A BAG OF CRACK COCAINE and AIZAWA SHOTA 

co-starring MIDORIYA IZUKU , YAOYOROZU MOMO, KIRISHIMA EIJIRO, HAGAKURE TOORU, IIDA TENYA,

KAMINARI DENKI, ASUI TSUYU and SEVERAL INNOCENT BYSTANDERS WHO DID NOTHING WRONG (LEGALLY, AT LEAST)

music by JIROU KYOUKA costumes by HATSUME INDUSTRIES 

special effects by VARIOUS QUIRKS including DARK SHADOW

=

FloatyMcFloatFace: 

Deku-kun, I need your help.

DefinitelyNotSmallMight: 

Uraraka-san? What’s the matter?

FloatyMcFloatFace: 

A villain I took down earlier today must have slipped a baggie of crack into my hero uniform.

What should I do? Aizawa-sensei can’t find it! I’ll get expelled! Or worse, fined!

DefinitelyNotSmallMight: 

You can just tell Aizawa-sensei what happened, Uraraka-san!

I’m sure he’ll believe you if you tell him it was part of a villain takedown!

Ochaco closed her phone and set it down by her desk.

Okay, so Deku was a bust.

The heroine-in-training froze like a deer caught in a cliche as she heard Aizawa walking down the short hall between Yaomomo’s room and the elevators; he had started on the other side which meant that he had done Satou, Todoroki and Sero’s rooms.

She was next.

WhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo AAAAAAAA

She was next. Her life was over. 

Her hero career was going to go down the drain, ended by a twenty gram baggie of white powder.

I kinda wished it had been twenty ccs of Deku-kun’s-

NOOONONONO! BAD BRAIN. BAD.

She had a little bit of time before doom and financial ruin. 

How much, she didn’t know.

Wracked with self-inflicted guilt, Ochaco decided it was time to do something unheroic and make the whole situation worse.

She grabbed the phone and shot off a quick text.

FloatyMcFloatFace: 

Kirishima-kun, do you think my shirt looks manly?

= = = = =

What.

What was this?

Kirishima looked at the plastic baggie that had hit his face when he opened the door to see what Uraraka’s shirt was like - and if it was indeed a manly one, he couldn’t tell, because Ochaco had immediately thrown herself back into her room.

Any protest died out as he saw Aizawa-sensei step out of the elevator and started making his way over to Uraraka’s dorm room.

Confused, Eijiro slipped back into his room, and sat on his bed, before pulling out the baggie that he had guiltily tucked into his pocket.

He shook the baggie, watching the dirty white crystals shift around and break apart.

“Are these drugs?”

Ew. Unmanly . 

Drugs like this were the worst, getting people addicted and stuff!

It wasn’t like medicine , which was totally a manly thing to take when you were sick.

But…

“Has Uraraka been dealing drugs?” he pondered. It didn’t take him long to decide that this particular activity belonged in the ‘unmanly’ pile.

Sure, he wasn’t the type to gossip, but hanging out with Uraraka had given him the impression that she hadn’t come from a very well off family. 

Certainly, she had taken every chance to be frugal and hadn’t once flaunted any wealth…

She was certainly no Yaoyorozu.

Still, though; drugs? 

There was a knock on the door, and he felt a jolt of panic shoot through him.

Aizawa was about to catch him in his room with drugs.

Very unmanly of you, Uraraka.

Stiffly, Eijiro walked over to the door and opened it.

“Good afternoon, Eijiro. As you know, I’m here to do the room inspection, so let’s get this over with.”

“Oh hey, sensei, nice to see you! Sure, why don’t you come in?”

Kirishima stepped aside as he shoved the hand holding the baggie of crack behind him, keeping his rock hard abs interposed between the drugs and the very, very tired man doing a quick sweep of his bedroom for singed curtains, holes punched into the various surfaces… or contraband like hard drugs. 

Behind him, he sensed movement as Aizawa checked underneath the desk, and with a fluid flick of his arm he turned and hurled the baggie away.

Aizawa turned his head as he spotted the blur of motion in his peripheral vision. “Huh? What was that?”

“N-nothing, sensei! Nothing at all!”

“... Kirishima, is everything okay?”

“No? What uh I mean yes, everything is okay, sensei! Nothing strange happening here!”

“You haven’t said the word manly in the last two minutes, Kirishima. I’m starting to get concerned.”

“Oh, uh… really? That sounds… uh, super manly of me! To use the word less. And. Um. Yes. Manly!”

“...” Aizawa stared at him for a solid ten seconds, which was ten seconds too long for the young manly man’s poor heart, but when Eraserhead muttered something and turned to leave, Eijiro breathed out a long sigh of relief and collapsed onto his bed.

Moments later, he realized he should have thrown it up to a higher floor, rather than a lower one.

So unmanly!

=

Tooru almost stepped on the small bag of powder.

Perhaps it would have been better if she had ignored it, but being the hero-hopeful that she was, Tooru bent down and picked it up. She turned it over in her hand, inspecting the plastic baggie, unsure of what the white powder was, and speculating as she walked back towards her room.

Laundry detergent? No, the bag was too small.

Realization struck, and she let out a little ‘ew’ noise as she worked out what it was.

Drugs.

Or someone was having her on for a joke, and had thrown a baggie of flour at her.

Then, she detected that there was someone behind her.

She whirled around, instinctively trying to hide the baggie behind her; while she was invisible, her clothes were not. When she spotted who it was, she hurled the baggie away with a flick of the wrist.

Aizawa-sensei’s glare was unimpressed as he kept it fixed to Hagakure.

“Just what,” he growled, “was that?”

=

Izuku felt the baggie of powder hit him on the head as it was yeeted across the dorms. Already he could hear a ‘sorry, sensei’ and a long sigh from his homeroom teacher.

He looked at the small package that had hit him in the head, and picked it up. Like the three students before him, he identified it quickly enough. It didn’t take an analytical genius to realize that something bad had just hit him on the head and that the slow, deliberate footsteps that were approaching him would spell doom.

Even so, when he turned around, Izuku instinctively palmed the baggie and pressed it against his hair, rubbing his head in a way that he thought was nonchalant (it wasn’t. It was suspicious as hell).

Aizawa-sensei didn’t look impressed. “Is something the matter, Midoriya?”

Izuku had a chance to walk the talk. To prove that his trust in Aizawa was valid.

He could just tell Aizawa that in his hands behind his head was a baggie of crack cocaine with a street value of approximately half a million yen.

It was then that a sudden thought occurred to him: … half a million yen was a lot of money.

A lot of money, consequently, could buy a lot of All Might merch…

Midoriya Izuku smiled unconvincingly. “N-nothing, sensei! Nothing’s the matter!”

Above him, Uraraka let out a ‘HAH!’ of triumph.

Aizawa-sensei didn’t seem to notice. 

“Midoriya.”

“Yes, sensei?”

“Show me your hands.”

“Um…”

=

Aizawa shook the baggie of crack cocaine, inspecting it in front of the assembled Class 2-A.

“Let me get this straight: Uraraka, you found a baggie of drugs in your support gear pouches, which you suspect you forgot to hand in when you were arresting some drug pushers and were gathering evidence.”

“Yes, sensei.”

“Instead of just… handing it in , you instead chose to throw it across the building at Kirishima after baiting him out with a text message?”

“Yes, sensei.”

“Next time just throw it in your underwear drawer or a trash can, Uraraka; room inspections are quick checks to make sure you haven’t damaged your room, not millimeter scans.”

“... yes, sensei.”

“Kirishima. Same thing. Finding drugs doesn’t mean start playing hot potato with the marching powder , got it? Just give it to me, but if you really want to hide it, use drawers and cupboards or socks. Nobody’s want to pick a sock out from underneath a highschooler’s desk.”

“That’s totally unmanl- shutting up , sensei. Sorry, sensei.”

“Hagakure. You’re meant to be studying as a stealth heroine. I’m at risk of repeating myself so just… learn to hide shit. Think rationally; I’m not about to pat you down so just shove it in a back pocket or something.”

“My pants don’t have back pockets, sensei?”

“Get some.”

“Y-yes, sensei.”

“Lastly, Midoriya. You have back pockets which can easily fit a baggie of white lightning. Your hair is fluffy, but it’s not that fluffy. These two facts are very much related to how you failed to hide the previously mentioned baggie of drugs from me. Got it?”

“Yes, sensei.”

“Alright. You all have detention for being idiots. Remember, you won’t get in trouble if you hand in drugs that got slipped into your gear or just plain forgotten. Happens all the time. That particular set of laws was changed to punish the manufacturing and distribution of drugs, not possession or consumption, for this exact reason .”

Multiple sets of eyes blinked owlishly at him. “Wait, really?”

“Yes, it was covered in Heroic Law in the first semester this year. Which is why it's not in fact illegal to do this.”

Before anyone could ask him any more stupid questions, Aizawa sliced open the baggie with a pocket knife, and snorted a line off the back of his blade.

Everyone’s jaw hit the floor as the man let out a long, all-to-pleasant moan as the drugs hit his system.

Aizawa glared at his students as they continued to boggle at him doing a line of coke off a knife in front of them, while standing in the middle of the dorm lounge in broad daylight.

“What, do you think I managed to teach this class and do evening patrols through spite and coffee alone? Have none of you ever wondered why my arrest record has such a high percentage of drug rings?”

He paused for a moment, blinking his eyes as he looked around the room.

“Uraraka. Which gang did you pick this up from?”

“Uh, from the Blue Dragon Kings gang, I think?”

“Ah. They’re known to cut their crap with psychedelics. That’s good.”

“… why?”

“Because for a moment there I thought there were TWO Ms. Jokes that just walked out of the elevator. Hi, Emi, that’s a really nice bikini you have on today.”

The class turned to see the elevator doors, which had not budged since the beginning of the meeting, and it remained firmly shut. Tsuyu’s tongue whipped out and tapped the button, and the elevator doors opened with a ding. 

There wasn’t even one bikini-clad Ms. Joke inside there, much to the disappointment of about two thirds of the class.

By the time they turned back, Aizawa had collapsed to the floor and was having a seizure.

As class 2-A watched their homeroom teacher start frothing at the mouth, Kaminari turned towards Iida.

"Does… does this mean class is canceled tomorrow?"

“... yes, I believe this does mean homeroom will be canceled tomorrow,” he concluded, before marching over to the intercom and pressing the big red button that was labeled ‘Midoriya broke-a-bone button, mark 3’ and leaning in close to the mic as it connected to the on-campus medical facilities.

“MEDIIIIIC!”