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He smiled a bit at himself in the mirror. It was a fake smile, he knew that. What else could he do? Cole was two years on his hormones and about a year out from top surgery. (The scars still make him genuinely smile from time to time.) what he couldn’t understand was how he could still have it this bad. How he could still hate himself this much. It wasn’t the bottom half of him, he was comfortable with that. Was it the fact that he didn’t always look the way he did now?
He sighed and stepped away from the mirror, shuffling back to bed where his boyfriend lay fast asleep. Cole couldn’t help but smile at his long hair spread across the pillows and some strands laid over the fast growing undercut. Cole gave into his urge to press a small kiss to the back of Hanzo’s neck before throwing his weight next to the sleeping body. This roused him slightly, causing the other to peek an eye open, clearly still half asleep.
“Mornin’ sugar, sleep well?” Cole cooed as he propped himself up on his left arm, running his free hand through his lover’s messy hair.
Hanzo hummed in an answer, wrapping his arms around Cole and pulling himself closer to rest his head into his chest. Cole couldn’t help but smile, he didn’t look so tough this early in the morning. The stoic Shimada everyone knew was half asleep and cuddled into his boyfriend’s check, vulnerable as ever.
Another hum sounded from the Shimada as he pulled the other closer. Cole raised his eyebrows as he briefly stopped his fingers in his hair.
“You look fine,” Hanzo muttered.
Cole’s heart dropped. Hanzo always had a way of knowing when he felt out of place like he did that morning. Cole shifted a bit, not ever really sure what to say to him. He felt accused of being upset. It wasn’t long before the Shimada spoke up again.
“You waste so much energy on wondering why things happened the way they did...not focusing on what you have now” he muttered, still clearly half asleep. However, even half asleep, the words made a lot of sense to Cole. The cowboy scoffed and sat up slightly.
“You sure know how to read me like a book Han,” Cole sighed, not wanting to look at his boyfriend. Looking at him meant that he’d have to have a deeper conversation about his dysphoria and he really didn't feel too up to it right now. Hanzo hummed softly again before resting his head in Cole’s lap, resting a hand on the other’s hip and rubbing circles into it with this thumb before tracing his fingers up to follow his lover’s scars defining his flat chest.
“When I met you, you were the same man you are now even though you looked much different. I love you all the same and I hope that one day you are able to do the same for yourself,” the Shimada looked up and by default Cole met his soft black eyes. Cassidy shifted, he could fall for that gaze a million times over and still never get enough of it.
“It ain’t as simple as it seems…I can’t just let go of all the things I hate about myself even if I am happy with how I’ve changed,” Cole spoke almost as a fact rather than a dispute. There was a small silence, tension building between them both as they both wondered what would be the right thing to say to either end the conversation or fix Cassidy’s mindset. Hanzo gave a small smirk and began to place soft kisses to Cole’s scars then up his neck to line his jaw where beard met bare skin. Cole let out another scoff before lacing a hand through long black strands that fell perfectly around his lover’s frame. “Plannin’ to take my mind off of things sugar?” Cole chuckled. Hanzo hummed again as he placed a gentle bite to the cowboy’s ear.
“Depends, do you wish to have your mind taken off of things?”
Cassidy sucked in a shaky inhale as his hands went to the other’s hips, guiding him to sit up on top of his lap. He couldn’t help but look his boyfriend up and down, long and thin strands of hair stopping just above the archer’s well toned chest. Cole felt a tinge of jealousy as he looked over Hanzo. A strong finger rested under Cole’s chin as it guided his head back up to meet Hanzo’s gaze.
“Eyes up, cowboy” the archer’s voice was low, nearly demanding and Cole had to admit, he loved it when his usually submissive boyfriend got demanding.
“Goddamn darlin’ you sure know how to get a man excited” Cassidy shuttered out. Hanzo gave his boyfriend a small hum and soft smile.
“I wish to take my time…I want to admire every inch of your body” the archer spoke low, dipping down to press more light kisses to surgery scars. Cole shifted a bit, his first thoughts unsure of how Hanzo could love the thick bulky scars but as his lover’s lip trailed down, he understood. Hanzo saw him differently than he saw himself, to him Cole was amazing and worth treasuring, the same he felt for the Shimada.
Hanzo continued his trail to Cole’s hips, admiring the slight chubby belly that spilled softly over worn gray sweatpants. He spent a bit longer there, reaching a hand to squeeze softly at the love handles decorated in accenting stretch marks, admiring each one with a tracing thumb. Cole hummed as he finally began to relax and sink into the feeling of his lover’s soft touches. Hanzo’s fingers slid slowly over Cassidy’s waistband, undoing the drawstring and slowly siding the sweatpants down and off of tanned legs.
Cole bit his lip slightly as he watched Hanzo’s eyes move over his body curtained under long eyelashes. The cowboy’s eyes followed his movements as he pressed more kisses to his hips then down further to the sensitive inside of his thighs. Cole stifled a moan as Hanzo sucked marks over stretch marked thighs, being sure to gently run his lips over each one. The archer left several before dipping fingers into the last barrier between him and Cassidy’s demanding heat, a large wet spot visible through the briefs he wore.
As Hanzo pulled the briefs away a string of slick connected them to Cassidy’s wet hole. Cole felt heat rise onto his cheeks and crawl up his ears as he looked away from his lover. Hanzo chuckled as he set the briefs to the side.
“Cole?” he purred, keeping a grip on the cowboy’s hips.
“H-Hm?” Cole turned slightly toward his lover, pink still tinting his sun kissed face.
“I’ve barely done anything, anata*” the archer crooned, tracing a light finger down the soaked folds of Cassidy’s heat. A sharp inhale passed Cole’s lips just as his lover’s fingertips sunk into him. “Look at you…keiyoushi*” the archer pressed a kiss to the tip of Cassidy’s erection before taking it between his lips and sucking as he moved two fingers slowly in and out.
Cole moaned softly as his lover worked slowly on him. His lips felt soft against him as he felt every slow drag and curl of Hanzo’s fingers inside him. Cole turned his head fully to gawk at his boyfriend, amazed at how pretty those eyes were looking up at him. It felt as though Hanzo was watching every little movement he made, relishing in every little sound that left Cassidy’s lips. An arm made its way over Cassidy’s eyes as he threw his head back, not wanting to look into those devouring black eyes, afraid he’d get too close to his finish.
Hanzo’s mouth left the cowboy’s erection, trailing kisses around his thighs and above his heat.
“Cole….my Cole…” Hanzo muttered, still dragging his fingers slowly in and out of dripping folds. Cassidy whined, his head falling farther back on the pillow.
“K-Keep…keep saying my name” the cowboy stuttered through weak moans and whines. The way Hanzo so gently pronounced his name, his chosen name, it made his heart thump harder against his chest and his breathing hitch. Hanzo said it with so much love that Cole knew he would never lie about any of the reasons he loved him.
“Cole…my handsome Cole…my strong, brave Cole” Hanzo mused as he kept pressing small kisses to the dips in his lover’s hips, back up to his soft stomach, then to his chest.
The steady rhythm of the archer’s fingers pumping in and out and the soft cooing of his name was enough to send Cassidy over the edge, moaning into his arm as he clenched around Hanzo’s fingers.
Cassidy kept his face covered as he panted softly, feeling fingers leave him and a weight settle next to him. Hanzo chuckled as he gently guided his boyfriend’s arm off of his face, stopping when he saw tears bordering Cole’s eyelashes. They threatened to leave the cowboy’s softening brown eyes and just as they did Hanzo was there to wipe them away with a soft calloused thumb.
“Thank you…” Cole stifled, now looking directly at his boyfriend. Hanzo smiled and pressed kisses to tear stained cheeks before finally to the cowboy’s parted lips.
“Of course anata, you mean the world to me, why would I not do everything in my power to make you feel loved?”Hanzo cooed, holding his boyfriend’s face in his hands. Cole caved and pulled his lover into a tight hug, taking in his body against his, the scent that was so distinctly Hanzo, and the feeling of long black strands of hair brushing against his arms. He then suddenly noticed the obvious tent in the archer’s sweatpants. Cassidy pulled away and gave his boyfriend a small smirk.
“Let me take care of you too darlin’” He chuckled as Hanzo returned the smirk, pulling his boyfriend on top of him and into a deep kiss.