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It was a Friday night and John and Karkat had just finished watching “50 First Dates”. Considering this was totally like their 50th date too, John thought it was about time they got some action. There was one main problem with this, however. Neither of them had, you know,
done the full sex
before. How exactly did one go about initiating THE FULL SEX??????John stared lustfully into Karkat’s huge sexy eyes. They were kinda a lot bigger than regular ol’ human eyes! And sexier. Waay sexier. There was just something so alluring about how, every time John looked into Karkat’s eyes, he saw those furrowed eyebrows, just screaming “YOU’RE A FESTERING PILE OF CHOLERBEAR VOMIT”. Insults were the sexiest. This may or may not have been one of the reasons John was initially attracted to him. Them insults. John waggled his eyebrows a little and put a hand on Karkat’s knee, hoping this adequately conveyed his sexy intentions.
Karkat looked into John’s sexy eyes, seeing the beautiful lust and knowing it was time to become sexy times. Karkat had been wanting to introduce John to his bone bulge for some time now and it looked like
tonight was the night
. He hoped his bone bulge was polite and courteous when speaking to John when they finally met. But when was any part of Karkat ever polite? Karkat put his lips on John’s elbow to begin the fornication process. This was a perfectly ordinary troll custom, but John looked a little confused. Ugh, idiot. What did he know? I mean, humans probably like, kissed
on the lips
before coitus. Who even did that? John did, apparently, because suddenly the human was giving his lips a full-frontal assault with his own. Soon, their tongues were twisted together like two mouth tentabulges. Hot.
John knew in that moment they were infinitely turned on. He took off his sexy hipster glasses and became mainstream instantly, giving Karkat a once over with his endless eyes. “Shall we listen to the Ghostbusters soundtrack?” He suggested suggestively.
Karkat would have rather listened to the Titanic soundtrack, but he supposed this would do. Lady Gaga was tolerable, even if Ghostbusters sucked shame globes. Speaking of sucking shame globes, his mind could not stop imagining what they would be doing in the next couple minutes. He hoped John would touch him...
there.
There being his writhing tentacles. Just in case it needed saying.
And with that, Karkat gives John’s elbow another kiss before reaching towards his pants. He didn’t really know what kind of weird deformed human junk he was packing down there, but how bad could it be? John was making a nervous fumble for Karkat’s pants, too, and Karkat decided that he should definitely be the first one to pull down any pants. He was the goddamn leader in this relationship. Karkat is the master of pants, he could be known as pantskat in another universe. John’s pants didn’t even stand a chance.
With the masterful ease of a herd of rampaging water buffalo, Karkat yanked at John’s pants for a few seconds until they were finally off, freeing John’s legs from the right caverns of denim.
John was ready to show Karkat his hammer. The hammer being his penis. He liked that he could honestly say his actual hammer was a good size comparison.
It was a pretty small hammer.
Karkat looked upon John’s hammer and knew, deep in his soul, that this was the hammer that would change his destiny. This was where his life would talk a full turn. Perhaps for the better. Perhaps not. But as he looked at that alien dong, that fleshy, ugly, wrinkly creature thing between John’s legs, he knew he would never be the same.
“Show me yours I’ll show you mine we’ll do it doggy style like Lyle or something.” John whispered in a kinky voice.
“John,” Karkat said, frowning, “that is so far removed from the lyrics of that song that you should be
ashamed of yourself
.” Karkat was so offended he almost bit John’s pink thing off right there. Luckily he had manners. Like his bulge. Speaking of his bulge, he supposed it couldn’t hurt to show the human his. Just so the guy knew what he was signing up for here. He didn’t need to do much here, since John was already eagerly tugging at his waistband. Karkat was ready to show him what real genitals looked like! Karkat eagerly pulled down his high waist pants and revealed his marvelous crab patterned boxers.
John was awed at the beauty of Karkat’s de-pantsing abilities, blinded temporarily by the all encompassing light that was Karkat’s mad fucking skills. But yeah, he decided removing Karkat’s underwear was probably more important than marvelling at his skills, as awe-inspiring as they were!
When John saw Karkat’s dingalong, he felt as if he’d been touched by the jesusman. It was so beautiful but also what the fuck was it and why was it moving. It sort of reminded him of his old Japanese hentais and caused his manroot to begin to swell.
“Just like in my yaois,” John whispered sensually.
“What the fuck is a yaoi?” Karkat snapped.
John began to stretch his body in preparation of what was coming. “I will show you.” He said. “I will give you yaois that Snoop Dogg would be totes hella jelly of. Prepare your weeping member- uh, members!”
Karkat’s members wiggled (they were all members of the midnight crew) elegantly, like classy dames at a ball. John stared at Karkat’s wiggly jigglies and noticed his nook. “Karkat, You have a secret tunnel of love too??”
Karkat nodded hotly. “And you have a ticket to ride.”
John gave the conductor, Snoop Doggie, his ticket so that he could ride.
Man, Karkat had like 5 tentacles and a love tunnel, and all John had was one lousy disco stick. Way unfair! John was sort of wondering how he’d be able to divide his attention between all these funky alien bits. Panic! at the Disco began to play in the background, describing John’s predicament perfectly. “Karkat, you are so well equipped for the battle. You have like, all the equipment! I might die out there. Know that I will fight hard, though I have but one sword.”
Karkat put his hand to John’s heart. “Romance.” He whispered seductively. “You are my brave thing.”
John knew what he had to do, he had to stop all the not-sexy vibes that might try to come through. He was here to fuck Karkat for me and you. Can you hear that, children? This is the sound of the fourth wall shattering. Suddenly there was a very cold draft in the bedroom, because you know, they were missing a wall. A mysterious stranger with a broom was looking through another window and disappeared. The wind outside made a small creaking noise that sounded like, “husssssieeee.”
John had a voyeurism kink so he put his hand on Karkat’s writhing sex tentacles anyway.
“J-John-kun.” Karkat said in a gravely voice. “Do me.”
John’s destiny unveiled before him as he made the transformation, finally achieving his final form: Fuck Ready John. He reached towards Karkat’s nook and said. “Yes okay.”
John poked Karkat’s beautiful red SECRET TUNNEL, THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN, SECRET SECRET SECRET TUNNEL, and watched as Karkat moaned like a porn star.The tunnel was melting like the icebergs, all the polar bears dying and global warming becoming a really important thing. It got all over John’s hand.
Karkat felt as though he should probably be letting his hand dance to the music around John’s disco stick, so he grabbed the mayonnaise slinging blood tomb like a cowboy grabs the reins in a rodeo. This promptly began the Love Game, triggering John to groan, looking something like a wanton kangaroo.
John pulled his hand away for a sec and looked at his fingers, “uh k-karkat, are you period-ing on my h-and? or did I hurt you?” Karkat panted and then responded, “tis b- but a scratch, john.”
John looked up through his bangs manlyishly, and said in a deep, sultry voice. “I forgot to tell you that they call me Vampire because I like the taste of blood.” And then he leant down. With a tingling sensation in his own trouser snake, he began to run his tongue along the tentacle-y ridges of Karkat’s several trouser snakes, one at a time.
Grossly enough, Karkat’s sexy juices tasted more like a mixture of strawberries, milkshake mix, kool aid, banana cream pie, and chopped liver. John was briefly stuck by a curiosity as to what his own tallywhacker tasted like. Oh well. He guessed he’d never know. Now back to the fellatio!
Karkat was surprised by the sight of John’s head between his legs because he has not been expected this despite the fact that they were having sex so it was a reasonable outcome. “John, I think I am having a love baby made of feelings in my gastric area.” He admitted.
John wondered what percentage of people died every second from sucking alien cock, but he’d never know because no scientist had ever studied it. But, of course, there’s a first time for everything! Perhaps he’d write up a lab report when he was done.
“John, there is a 70% chance it is already raining passion in my nonexistent shorts,” Karkat panted.
John was so turned on by this hot statement that he knew what must happen now. “Karkat, it’s time for my caveman to go spelunking in your love cavern.” He told Karkat, business like. Maybe he would find diamonds.
“John, I am going to write my phone number inside my nook, and if you find it again, we’re fated to be together.” Karkat said, knowing that serendipity would unite them.Karkat found a piece of paper and a pen nearby so he began to write his phone number... with his love tentacles.
John looked love stricken. “This is getting very kinky.” He said. “NO! I don’t want that. We need a safe word.”
Karkat’s eyes turned into fiery depths, like that eye in the lord of the rings. Sauron. Karkat’s eyes became Sauron, seeing all of John. “John. This must be. So we can be in love for real.”
“John, I love only you,and one does not simply walk into mordor, I mean get in my lovely high waisted pants,” he added.
John nodded, knowing this was important to Karkat because it involved romcoms. He watched as Karkat put his phone number through the love canal like a tug boat of numbers and fate. And then he pulled it back out again. “I’ve done it.” He declared. Fate was on his side. “Now the train is leaving the station and headed for its destination.”
“I think your butthole is holy.” Karkat slurred when John began to maneuver his weapon towards its target.
It was time to speak some parseltongue and get all up in Karkat’s chamber of secrets. And with that parseltongue, John got all up that chamber of secrets almost effortlessly. Each of Karkat’s wiggly bits began to sway as if being charmed by a snake charmer. They swayed to the ghostbuster’s soundtrack, who ya gonna call, indeed.
“John, you are fantastic at plunging my insides.” Karkat told John honestly. “You light up my world like nobody else the way you fuck me gets me overwhelmed.” Karkat began to sing.
“No.” John said, hearing the romance spilling out of Karkat’s throat hole. “This is not the time for silly mouth utterances.” The time was actually time for the time warp. Again. John began the pelvic thrust. It drove Karkat insane.
John drove his hammer like it was that of the mighty God Thor, yelling “YEEHAW!” Every thrust.
Karkat began to whisper, “This is the rodeo I ain’t never seen it put down like this before.” Soon Karkat was seeing stars...and stripes. It felt like FREEDOM all up in his nook.
Suddenly John’s custard stick erupted like a great volcano of doom, releasing its lava all over the townsfolk of Karkat’s nook. It was sicker and burnier than any rap ever spoken/sung/slammed. Dave would be crying if he knew such a beautiful moment had occurred.
The song switched to Spice Girls as Karkat’s glittery alien liquid shot out of his alien junk, in time to the beat of the music, like a 6th grade dance. Spiked punch for everyone, everyone being John.
“If you don’t cuddle me I’ll bite your dick off like it’s a hot dog made of spit and semen.” Karkat said affectionately as John licked the sparkle party that was his orgasm. John pulled his limping meatsack out and panted out the ABCs.
Somewhere his Kindergarten teacher felt glad in her heart, knowing she had educated someone who was regularly using the alphabet. To better his post coitus experience. She was also sort of halfway disgusted at the fact that one of her old students had used this post-orgasm from sex with a grey alien boy, but she tried not to let that bit get to her. You have to find joy in the little things.
And so Karkat rested his spitting fire truck hoses and John rested his head on Karkat’s head in a sort of geometric contortion, and they fell asleep dreaming of Bob Saget’s extremely punchable face.
Through the night, Karkat whispered, “I’ll never let go, Jack... I mean John,” and the Huss cried into the night wondering why his fans are so disgusting yet creative and beautiful.