Chapter Text
Vera went into Joan’s office to discuss a few things right after the staff meeting regarding “the Jodie Spiteri matter.” “Hopefully we’ll know who left the pencil there and what their motive was. I trust you Vera. These incidents cannot keep on happening. I blame Bridget Westfall.
- For a lack of competence?
Careful with her choice of words, Joan tilted her head to the side, and looking at Vera, rectified: “of vigilance. Oh I don’t doubt that she’s very capable, but I’m not sure she belongs in a correctional facility,” she added with a sly smile.
-Unfortunately it was the board’s decision.
-Yes, not mine. But I am merely suggesting that in this matter, she’s as much to blame as anyone else. It’s ironic when you think the board sent her to “monitor” the rate of such potential unfortunate events and make sure they wouldn’t occur. But let’s not give them anymore reason to interfere, shall we? A prison needs to be controlled from the inside, and that implies that we, that is you and me, remain in control, because we know how this prison works better than anyone else. Yes?
-Of course. You can count on me to ensure that.
-Good.
Vera couldn’t help wanting to stick around. She hoped her radio would stay mute for a little while longer, for she didn’t want to leave the governor’s office. Sitting at her desk and going through some paperwork, Joan felt Vera’s gaze on her. Vera, who was standing close to the door, desperate for more time to spend on and off duty with her mentor, thought of something to add quickly: “Umm, about the budget? You were right, nothing to worry about.” Vera bit her lip at the pointlessness of her own remark, while the governor only displayed a casual smile before checking the CCTV cameras again. Not giving up yet, Vera added “I’m sure we’ll beat it into next month.” Not thinking of anything else to say, for what seemed like the longest quiet thirty seconds, she stared blankly at the governor, who despite her efforts to ignore Vera could not concentrate on her work with her staring at her like this. “Was there anything else?” Good, she doesn’t sound annoyed yet, Vera thought. “Umm, no.” Feeling bold, she pushed her luck: “Actually governor?
-Yes Vera?
-Yesterday, with Anderson?
Raising an eyebrow, Joan waited, not sure about what to expect. “I-I was there...”
-Yes?
-I-I guess I was... intrigued?
Pretending to be busy with her paperwork again, Joan barely looked up at her. “Oh yes? How so?”
-The... ice cream? What was that about? You’re not playing favorites are you?
After a few seconds, Joan sighed then looked up, smiling dangerously at Vera, who was gaining more confidence.
“You may or may not know this Vera, but even as governor, there are exceptions where I find myself granting certain requests, in case of special needs.”
-Such as?
Aren’t we feeling bold indeed. Sighing again, and this time clearly annoyed at the sudden interrogatory, Joan explained:“Anderson has had it tough on her lately, after all she is pregnant.”
-So you thought of... ice cream?
Displaying another fake smile to cover up the fact that her patience was running thin, she answered: “Choc-chip, and it was Warner’s suggestion. Think of it as a reward for her good behaviour the last couple of weeks. Anything else?”
-I’m-I’m sorry... it’s just that-don’t you think it might make the others suspicious, or jealous? It could undermine her safety.
-Jealous?
-I am just the nosy type. Forget I asked.
-Are you?
-Well I mean... I have to be, it’s part of my job, to be as less clueless as possible about what’s going on and-
“I meant,” Joan interrupted her and paused, before specifying, “jealous.”
Lips parted as in shock, Vera felt caught off guard as her eyes tried to look into hers then away then back at the governor. Joan didn’t let go. “Are you? I mean is this really about your concern that other inmates might find out about my momentary lapse of generosity with Anderson? Or is it about you? And your constant need for my approval and attention? I’m sorry Vera I just don’t see what you’re trying to accomplish here? I mean if you disagree with me, you might as well say it now. And yet somehow I’m reading more into it. Have I-done something that’s offended you?"
Vera thought for a moment, and looking at the floor said “yes,” with no indication that she had completely gathered her thoughts yet.
When no explanation followed, Joan, who had no more patience whatsoever, asked her in a mocking tone: “Just ‘yes’?”
-I mean, to answer your previous question, yes, I was-I-I am jealous, I suppose?
Joan had asked, for the sake of watching Vera’s facial expression decompose, that’s all. But rather than amused, the governor was amazed at the unexpected response, and stared back, lips parted herself, deciphering nothing but pure honesty, and hurt, in Vera’s expectant eyes. Joan decided to regain her composure and not weaken on this, but she was unsure about how to handle her current emotions. The silence being unbearable in her current vulnerable state, Vera said “sorry, governor, I know, it’s weird.” She saw Joan barely able to suppress a smile, and understood. “But somehow, you knew.”
Both were smiling at this point. “Knew what Vera?
What a fucking player. “No, don’t give me that.”
Joan knew, and Vera knew she knew, and that made Vera as clever as Joan, and that made Joan smile even more at the thought. Suddenly, experiencing weird tingling sensations that worried her, she crossed her legs and asked: “and how do you explain that you felt this way?”, nervous about the answer that would follow.
“I suppose, the last time I saw you so gentle and... caring, was when you came at my place and brought me dinner. This caught me by surprise, and I just-”
-Yes?
-I suppose I have... other feelings as well?
-Which are?
-You know.
Joan’s narrowed eyes studied her. She knew indeed, but now more than ever. And it made her happy, truly happy. She wanted to smile at this, but fought the urge really hard. She’d gone from annoyed, to extremely annoyed and impatient, to happy, within minutes. That woman was responsible for the rollercoaster of emotions she was going through. But then the voice in her head issued a red alert, telling her she shouldn’t lower her guard over this. So Joan leant back on her chair, crossed her fingers, looked down at them and back up, only to give Vera a cold stare.
The awkward silent pause caused Vera’s smile to be replaced by a worried and nervous expression, as soon as the corner of joan’s lips twitched in a mischievous way. She then broke the silence: “Vera, I don’t know what to say.”
Vera was going to be sadly disappointed if she was hoping for a mutual confession of romantic feelings. Joan was not ready to unveil her true feelings and go down to the same level of vulnerability as her deputy. She had too much to lose. Being on top meant that the only way was down and to maintain her position, she had to stand tall and strong while the others felt their knees weaken and fell on them. She still needed to have the upper hand here. “I appreciate your honesty, but maybe you need to... look into these issues, with a professional? Someone who could really help. It would be more, appropriate. A session or two with Miss Westfall would do it, yes? She’s only here for the inmates but I’m sure she’ll make an exception for you?”
Humiliated, an open-mouthed Vera stared at her for a few seconds, not saying anything, before nodding her head quickly and running outside, shutting the door behind her. Ashamed, she thought to herself, ‘I should’ve known better,’ and carried on in the corridor, wiping a tear quickly when she saw Linda Miles coming from the opposite direction.
It wasn’t the first time someone left her office defeated, but for the first time, Joan didn’t feel like she’d won anything. This time, she felt broken too. Why was that? Why was she not enjoying this? She had kept her calm, she’d said all the right things, nothing compromising that betrayed her. And yet, she felt rotten inside. Why why why why? With every questioning thought, she found herself reaching the same conclusion over and over: Vera. Because this time, it was Vera. She’d hurt Vera... again! She felt as rotten after the riot, and now, she had to correct a mistake that shouldn’t be seen as one. She would go to her, when off duty. What mattered was that she remained professional at work. But showing her softer side one evening when the both of them are off duty could only straighten her relationship and ensure better working relations in the long run.