Chapter Text
May 2011
"I always knew that falling in love with you would be inevitable." he says silently while gripping her hand.
His sentence a secret that he never shared with no one else. Not even himself.
The silence is loud. He's been sitting beside her chair for hours. The only noises that can be heard are those of the oxygen tank on the side connecting to the nasal cannula on her face and the beeping monitors that are connected all over her body.
After Elliot received the devastating news from the doctor all he wanted was to be close to her.
"I'm sorry Mr.Stabler unfortunately the damage was extensive. The bullet got part of her head and we are lucky that she even survived the surgery. She slipped into a coma. Only she can wake out of it and to be honest with you I’m not hopeful. It could take days,months or even years. And if she wakes up I don't know if she'll be the same person that you knew. There's post traumatic amnesia,brain damage and a lot of other things that could happen."
He closes his eyes, a loud sigh being heard throughout the room and a tear slipping down his cheek. His mind still reeling from the doctor's words. His brain is scrambled and the only thing that he wants is to be close to her.
To never let her go.
God,he's such a shitty partner. Jenna came with a gun inside the station and he could have taken the shot,he could have acted quickly instead.....instead he froze.His hand gripping the gun but his body not acting and when Jenna aimed her own weapon towards Olivia it was way too late.
The sound of the gunshot is still ringing in his ears along with a picture of her terrified face being front and center on his brain as she was collapsing on the floor.
He can still hear the voices of eveyone living that terrified moment on the precinct along with him.
There was blood all around Olivia and she was not responding and Elliot knew....he just knew that the course of their lives changed irrevocably.
Now, hours later after she got out of surgery and knowing that he may never get to hear her voice or see her eyes open he feels only one thing.
Emptiness.
A knock shakes him out of his musings and Elliot turns around,seeing Cragen standing there alone.
He makes a signal for him to come out.
Elliot laughs bitterly. It’s not like they will disturb Liv. She’s in an eternal sleep of her own if the doctor’s words are any indication.
Nonetheless,he stands up and follows his Captain outside.
“I spoke with IAB, they won’t question you. They don’t need to. As you know sister Peg and Jenna didn’t survive and everyone on the station gave their statements so there won’t be a witch hunt.You still have your job.”
He closes his eyes remembering that even after Jenna shot Olivia he didn’t turn his gun against her,instead he rushed towards his partner and let another officer aim at her,taking her life in the process.
He sees Cragen take a deep breath before speaking his next words
“I spoke with the doctor about Olivia and-“
“Don’t.”He cuts him off angrily.
“Elliot.-"
“I said don’t,Cap. Don’t you dare say another word.”
He sees his Captain lower his head,a defeated painful expression gracing his face.
“I just wanted to say,I’m sorry Elliot. You know she’s like a daughter to me. I never thought I would live to see her hurt and comatose,not knowing if she’s ever going to wake up.”
He explodes, heartbreak inside his bones with nowhere to go.
“Why don’t you say what you’re really here to say Cap? If I had shot Jenna we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Everything would be fucking different and Olivia would be okay. Just say that you blame me and get it over with!”
He sits down in one of the hospital chairs tired,a shell of a man.
He feels Cragen taking a seat beside him.
“Elliot despite what you may think, I don’t blame you. Olivia may have been like a daughter to me but you are like a son and I know for a fact that you are suffering twice as much. If you could trade places with her I know you would. I know who you are Elliot.”
He can’t hold the pain in any longer and with those words,he starts to cry and confessing stuff that have been cooped up way too long inside of him.
“It’s all my fault. I love her Cap. I’m in love with her and all I can think about is how much of a coward I was for not choosing her time and time again. She may never wake up and I’m here left all alone. I love her but she’s not here to hear it any longer.I took her for granted and I…”
His body is trembling and his sobs are terrifiengly loud.
“…..I’m just empty.”
A hand cradles his shoulder trying to offer him comfort with actions and not words.
They feel pointless at this point.
Elliot defeated from the world and the fate of the woman he’s in love with,finally lets the current of his soul crushing hearbreak drag him down.
There are nurses and doctors passing by and he’s sure that each one of them is looking at him with sadness and pity.
He may have family waiting for him at home but he’s a lonely broken man inside.
And that won’t change until Olivia opens her eyes again. Life and time stopped for him the minute she closed her eyes. His love is way too late to be given so now he’ll wait patiently in a chair whispering it to the ghost of her that may never hear it.