Chapter Text
Haunting a house is awfully boring. Even if it's a house that has a family in it, and a TV, and other things that can be used to spare time. It doesn't matter, it still sucks. Not being able to talk to anyone at all, except the old lady who has bad eye sight and thinks you are a caretaker, which is the only reason why you're talking to her in the first place sucks. Hiding in the attic, the basement or the walk-in closet sucks. Turning transparent even when it isn't necessary, just in case, sucks. It all sucks, all over. Being a ghost sucks, in general.
Ray isn't a huge fan of his own existence, if you couldn't tell by now.
He does remember his life. He lived until he was just a little under nineteen, he had two older brothers, a mom, a dad, two grandmothers, a granddad, some friends here and there. He remembers he was in a band, even. He doesn't remember any actual names though. He knows his own is Ray Toro, and he would probably look for people he used to know, but it isn't like there is a whole data base in this house's attic.
He died at an awkward time in his life. He remembers feeling useless and out of place all the time, not particularly hated, but not loved either. He was just sort of hanging there. He had passions, had people he would probably consider rivals, had crushes, had things that made him happy and things he hated with all his heart, but they didn't seem all that huge in the grand scheme of things. Not now, at least, in his memory. It's all blurry now.
He doesn't remember his death too vividly. It was a car crash. Beep, screech, slam, ow, dead, that's all. He is pretty sure he died exactly in front of this house though, which might be the reason why he's haunting it specifically. He remembers anything shortly after his death, and anything about becoming a ghost even less. First couple of years of his ghosthood are almost nonexistent, several more after that were spent just getting used to being like this, to the new weird and kind of awesome, if you ask Ray himself, form of existence.
To be honest though, Ray doubts there is any actual reason why he's haunting this particular house, or why he became a ghost. As much as he would like it to have some reason behind it, there probably really isn't, not one he can remember of, at least. He didn't hold grudges, didn't have a strong enough crush on some girl that might've brought him up like this, didn't have an unfinished thing he wanted to be done with so much he couldn't die properly.
As much as Ray wanted to believe there's some rhyme and reason behind people becoming ghosts, it really doesn't seem like it. Not after the old lady died and her ghost never appeared. The thought of it all being completely random kind of makes ghostly shivers run up his ghostly spine. The thought that he now just has to stay there and haunt things until the hypothetical heat death of the universe just because he happened to win some sick and twisted lottery, without any point or reason makes it all worse, even if the form of existence is awesome.
If Ray was watching something like this, like a horror movie or whatever, he would probably call that bullshit writing, now he just calls it his un-life.
Ray isn't sure how many years have passed since his death but he isn't really looking forward to finding out. Knowing what age he could've been turning would definitely make it worse, so it's probably great that he can't really find out.
Honestly though, there is something good in the constant loneliness and boredom because ray had plenty of time to think. He also read pretty much every single book that even was in the house, watched every movie, both on cassettes and the new CD disc things people invented after Ray died, which was seriously kind of awesome. Most were kind of no fun which isn't actually so abnormal because Ray's tastes rarely ever align with an old lady's. Ray doesn't remember ever finding out her name too.
After the old lady there was a family. They were young and beautiful and perfect, almost disgustingly so, Ray even thought he saw them in a commercial for a while. They were a pretty blonde housewife, her handsome ginger husband who worked in the military and their little baby girl, no more than two when they just moved in. They were so happy and sweet, so very kind to their kid and so supportive of each other, Ray almost felt jealous of them. It isn't like he ever thought of chicks like this, like he ever wanted a family or a kid, but these people made it seem like the best thing ever.
Then the house got robbed, and the husband was shot in the stomach. Ray tried to prevent it, he really really did, as much as a ghost even can, and the robbers ran away without taking anything when they realized they'd killed the guy, but it still sucked. She called the ambulance but they were late, because Ray remembers way too vividly how she tried to keep the kid, already ten at the time, in another room while also keeping the husband conscious, but no matter how hard she tried there still was a funeral after. Then Ray remembers thinking that nothing can compare to this whole thing in the sheer unfiltered suck of it.
They still lived in the house after that. They had a very hard time because getting a good enough job to afford the private school the kid went to after being a housewife for years is hard, probably. Ray showed up to the kid and tried to do anything at all, maybe help, maybe become a friend, something, but apparently ten year olds are usually taught to fear strangers. She just cried, so Ray left and hid, and next thing he knows – the house was sold to someone else. He doesn't remember their names either.
For a while the house was empty. The new owner threw the tv and the books away, left the attic completely empty and took out all the old furniture which made the house most literally uninhabitable, even for a ghost. When the new owner was getting out, Ray had to actually hold himself back from holding her by her ankle on the stairs so she trips and falls.
It only stayed that way for about three years and it might seem long but three years is nothing compared to hypothetical eternity. It's barely anything compared to how many years Ray had already spent as a ghost. Not like he knows the actual number though, but it's so, so much more than three.
But then, there was another family. But then, there was Gerard.
He moved into the house with the rest of the Way family, his mom, dad and little brother Mikey. Ray decided he will avoid him, more so than everyone else. He isn't particularly sure why, but that's what he decided to do. He thinks a major part of his decision was the fact that Gerard almost always had a look of utter pain and misery on his face, like he just saw his favorite puppy get kicked but all the time, and Ray knew he'll never forgive himself if he fucks with the guy and he starts feeling even more horrible.
To be fair, Ray never did much fucking with people at all. It was only ever saved for special occasions when he thought he was so bored he actually might die again and go on some another level of ghost he didn't know existed. Also accidents happen with everyone, even ghosts can forget to turn the TV off or leave the curtains open even though the people living in the house remember closing them before leaving, or water a dying plant that hasn't seen moisture in weeks. You get into all kinds of weird and uncharacteristic stuff when you are basically always bored.
And it isn't like Ray had accidents often, not at all, but holy shit, he actually tries not to have them, like having Gerard discover him would actually end in something bad. That apparently did not extend to Mikey though.
The dude walked in on Ray reading something in the attic and Ray thinks he yelled so loud the neighbors heard. Their dad ran to help him, and nobody actually believed Mikey when he told them there's a guy in the attic, and Ray is infinitely thankful for being able to turn transparent all of a sudden. The notion that Gerard might believe Mikey when they talk about it does terrify Ray quite a bit though. They just laugh about it though and Mikey seems like he doesn't even care anymore.
It would be a blatant lie to say Ray wasn't disappointed when he saw Gerard drink for the first time. It was the middle of the night and everyone in the house but him was asleep, and Gerard was watching TV with subtitles in the attic. Ray didn't bother to make en effort to stay invisible that night, which is why he remembers it so vividly, he just freaked out that much. He remembers seeing from the corner of his eye how Gerard got up from his spot on the floor, then falling through said floor to hide and ending up inside a wall. He remembers how he followed Gerard and saw him get a bottle of beer from a six-pack in the fridge so casually, his ghostly nonexistent insides actually turned over backwards. Then he stood in front of the fridge for a second, thinking, eerily eliminated only by the cold and bright light inside the fridge, looking for all in the world like a ghost himself, in his star wars pajamas that were so old they really should've been thrown out by that point, then taking another bottle and only after that going back to the attic.
Besides the bad and upsetting stuff, Gerard has a nice fucking taste in music. Shit he listens to is what used to be Ray's favorite, but also shit Ray has never even thought existed, but all of it is absolutely awesome. Every time Gerard, and Mikey by extension, is listening to something, Ray sits in the corner of the room and listens with them too. Gerard's taste in comics and movies is fucking nice too, even too much so, it kind of pisses Ray off, the way he spent all his time watching utter bullshit while all this good stuff out there, just out of reach. When Gerard was at school or on his new job at a comic book store Ray watched his movies, even the ones he'd already seen, and read his comic books and almost feels like he understands Gerard to a degree.
Ray has a hard time putting a finger on what exactly does he feel towards Gerard, but what he thinks it is, is fascination. Sometimes it feels almost like Ray is conducting some sort of weird and unethical social experiment and one of his specimens is behaving so outside of what he expected its almost scary, but also somehow very interesting and beautiful in a sense. Gerard is one hell of a weirdo, and a massive dork too, but for some reason a lot of his actions are barely reminiscent of that. He seems so sure, so confudent in almost everything he does, he seems to think of himself as not just the hot shit, but as a star in the sky, while managing to be so humble and down to earth about it, almost like he doesn't think so, he is always so visibly anxious and maybe even scared of something, it actually concerns Ray, especially Gerard's choises in dealing with this anxiety. He is always thinking about something, observing, Ray actually feels bad because Gerard can't see him or know that he is being watched by him.
From context clues Ray guesses that the reason behind Gerard's constant misery face and death stare is actually grief and he feels even worse for him. His grandma died and he hates talking about it, and his parents are making him see a shrink for this, which makes it even worse. He doesn't want to actually talk about it to his own brother, why would he want to talk about it to a stranger? Ray really doesn't understand these people. From another point though, he probably would've been their age by now if he didn't die, but then again, it isn't like he knows how much time has actually passed.
Gerard is also fucking pretty at times when he doesn't do the misery face. Ray never thought he'd want to describe a guy like this, but he really, really is. His hazel eyes that looked almost magical when they were in the sun, his sharp nose, his weird little teeth, his face that somehow evoked some kind of adoration in every friend of his mom as soon as they saw him and made them think g Gerard is an angel child and undoubtedly a good boy, his mousy brown dyed black by his mom hair in a pretty weird short and spikey haircut that he started growing out not too long after moving into the house, which looked kinda awkward – it was all just so pretty somehow. Of course, Ray could never possibly like a guy, of course not, never ever, not even dead. But then again, it might've been that 'internalized homophobia' shit, like some psychology person said in one of the books Gerard's shrink gave him that he never even touched, but Ray didn't care. If it was indeed that, he probably had some emergency reflecting on past experiences to do but that doesn't matter now.
'Parasocial' is also a word Ray once saw in another book on psychology Gerard's shrink gave him, this one Gerard did read though, maybe because he actually asked for it. Parasocial something-something, shit about women forming deep emotional bonds to soap opera characters and celebrities they've never seen in real life, shit about them thinking they are their friends or lovers despite never even talking to them. Ray guesses that's what he feels to Gerard. It's weird as all un-living fuck, and he feels gross, but he can't help feeling somewhat close to the guy, even if he can't particularly call it friendship, Gerard isnt a celebrity or a character in a soap opera, and Ray does see him all the time, even when he would very much like not to, but that just describes how things are, or were at the time, the best.
All that focusing on Gerard aside, Ray actually does show himself to Mikey a couple of times. Mikey pretends he doesn't see him sit on the couch in front of the TV someone forgot to turn off, or doesn't see him flip the pages in Gerard's comics he left on the floor, but that's all just pretending, nothing else. Ray can feel him looking, and he can tell Mikey is kind of scared and stunned by the sheer notion of Ray being there, but doing that 'it doesn't exist if im not looking at it' thing. also, Ray by himself probably isn't all that scary since outside of being a ghost he's just a dorky guy with a fro, wearing glasses and his friend's band shirt, just a year older than Mikey's brother.
In any case, it was never like Ray's presence in the house was a secret that needed to be kept away from Gerard from the very start, but now that Mikey actually told Gerard pretty much everything he even could, Ray feels a little betrayed somehow. It isn't like he agreed with Mikey on something or whatever, but they've lived in Ray's space for quite some time now and only now Mikey actually told Gerard about him? Doesn't that seem a bit late, considering he did slip up and appeared in Mikey's line of sight a fuck load of times before that? These Way people are weird.
the Way mom, Donna, was pretty weird too. She was kind of absolutely nothing like her kids but at the same time really a lot like them, her face was kind but seemed a lot older than she should be. She had naturally blond hair but still bleached it and curled the living shit out of it, to the point when Ray doubted any of it wasn't dead. She also had extremely long acrylic nails, always some bright color, always sharp and always a safety hazard in Ray's eyes because the woman worked at a beauty salon, as far as Ray was aware, and if she did someone's hair, or brows, or lashes or whatever the fuck else near a person's eyes he really doubts she should be having nails this long.
Their dad wasn't there most of the time, probably working his ass off too, but from what Ray did notice about him when he was home, he was just a normal dad, kind of distant from his kids and never quite there when they needed him, but it isn't like Ray can really judge him at all, he doesn't have experience raising kids. Both of them weren't home enough to actually notice Ray's presence and both of them were just sort of chill with whatever their boys were up to, which was cool but at the same time also gave Gerard the ability to sneak in actually concerning amounts of alcohol and get drunk out of his mind and gave Mikey the ability to start partying too early for Ray's comfort. He didn't throw any at the house though, which was nice.
He sees Gerard cry a couple of times, probably because of this whole thing with the grandma, and the shrink, and maybe something else too, and these were the times he's come the closest to fully fucking showing himself to Gerard. It would probably be so much weirder now that he already knows so much shit about the guy to just show up, right? In any case, Ray manages not to do something stupid by actually showing up.