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He wasn’t sure if it was just one of those days but here he was, sitting in his room trying to hide from the world. It had started this morning. He should have known. Should have seen the signs
He was tired, nothing unusual. Sleep came rare and if it did, it was filled with the terrors of the real world. Ghost got up with a huff and walked towards his dresser. Pulling out some clothes and getting dressed. When he had washed up, Ghost started making his way toward the cafeteria, already aware how his clothes started suffocating him. The clothes being too much to be able to breathe and yet too little to protect him from the world.
Ghost pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind. It was early in the morning. Not many were up yet. This too was nothing unusual. Ghost slept four hours a night at best. So when he got up at 4 am it was mostly quiet in the base. Not that he minded that. No, Ghost actually preferred it this way.
He entered the cafeteria. Making his way towards the counter. He chose his usual making his way back to his room. Humans are creatures of habits, Ghost supposed. Maybe that’s why he still ate alone in his room. Maybe that’s why he still wore his mask around the 141. Maybe that is all it was, a habit. However, Ghost knew the explanation was way too simple considering everything he had went through in Life.
Walking along these corridors always felt a little strange. Foreign, yet home. Today though the corridor seemed to impose on him. Playing tricks on him. Clawing at him from the corner of his eyes. Ghost was once again instantly aware of how tight his clothes were.
Quickly walking towards his room he opened the door and slipped in, locking it behind him. Ghost ripped the mask off his face, throwing it onto the bed and sitting down at his desk. He swallowed down the food, quickly clearing the plate.
Judging by the chattering in the corridor, it must be around 5 am. Ghost got up, picking his mask up in the process and pulling it above his head. He felt weird in his skin today. However, that couldn’t stop him from following his routine.
Ghost made his way to the gym, passing many soldiers, who made their way towards breakfast. Another perk in getting up early. The gym was mostly empty.
Upon entering Ghost immediately noticed the biting lights and the constant buzzing of the AC. Taking into account that Ghost was already on edge today, this did not help one bit. Trying to rid his mind of these thoughts, he started his exercises. He had exercised for two hours before the gym started getting slightly fuller.
Strangely, Ghost did not notice. He was still beating into the punching bag. At some point Ghost did notice the stares he was getting. And still, nothing unusual. People often stared at him. Some because of curiosity, some because of fear and some simply because they had nothing better to do. He continued assaulting the punching bag for another hour or two. He didn’t really know how long it had been.
When he finally stopped the gym was packed. Ghost suddenly oh so aware of all the noise, all these people around him, aware that he had not noticed any of these people entering. Ghosts skin felt clammy. Suddenly basked in cold sweat. His eyes slightly wider than normal. His muscles stiff. He felt sick.
This time he was aware. This time he saw the stares he was getting. Aware of the whispers. And he felt all the more trapped. Ghost willed his body to move. Trying not to let it show. Trying not to let them see that he was in fact weak.
Ghost quickly made his way out of the gym. Feeling his fingers starting to twitch and his hands starting to shake. He had to get back to his room. Had to get away. All the noise. All the people. The temperature somehow suddenly burning his body alive. It was all too much. Ghost felt overwhelmed. He could feel his throat starting to tighten.
“Morning Lieutenant” a Soldier greeted him. However, Ghost couldn’t make out who it was. He could not answer. He just kept walking. Trying to make it to the safety of his room. His chest aching in such a horrible way. He felt like something was trying to crawl out of his chest. Perhaps it was his past, his nightmares or another wretched thing that came to haunt him once in a while.
Ghost finally reached his room, closing and locking the door behind him. He felt panic rise in his throat. Ghost dropped to his knees onto the floor. Gasping. He couldn’t breathe. His mind shut down. Nothing but pure terror filled his body.
Ghost clasped his hands on his mouth, trying to stifle the noise. Perhaps it was his survival instincts, perhaps it was his father’s drilling but he couldn’t let them hear him. He really did not know what would happen. He only knew that he had to shut up fast. So he threw his hands over his mouth.
Ghost sat there for a while, down on his knees. His hand now on the ground, supporting his weight. He lost all feeling of time.
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“I don’t know Cap’ honestly, he was all weird, didn’t even look at me, when I greeted him.” Gaz told Price.
“You sure you didn’t just get on his nerves again?” Price asked, concern lightly painting his voice. “I didn’t even do anything Captain” His reply came. “Sure…” was all Price said with a sly grin.
“Anyways, what about Soap. He gonna be back soon?” Gaz asked. “Yeah, ‘said everything’s gone well. He’s supposed to return tomorrow.” Price answered. “Good, I’ve started getting bored of winning against you at cards all the time.” Gaz stated as he quickly got up, before price could say another word.
“Cheeky bastard” remarked Price but Gaz was already out of earshot.
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Meanwhile hours passed and Ghost was still in his room. Listening to every footstep that walked along his corridor. Putting his guns into their little counterparts and assembling them back together. Sharpening each of his hidden knives.
Every little noise, no matter how quiet, set him off again. His body tensing. His muscles stiffening, his eyes widening. And slowly he started seeing pictures again, felt the room around him change.
Suddenly he was back in a room with Roba, back in the coffin, back in his childhood home standing above their corpses, back in his room with his father.
It was in this moment that Ghost knew he would never find peace. Ghost knew he wasn’t the person to live happily ever after but these past few months with Soap had let him hope.
Oh Soap, the sunshine in a world full of darkness. Ghost got used to seeing him every day. But a few days ago he had to return home. Something about his family.
Despite the feeling of warmth Johnny brought with him, Ghost still felt guilty sometimes, still felt afraid.
He doesn’t deserve Johnny. Ghost knew that.
“I shouldn’t have survived” Ghost thought. If it hadn’t been for his thirst for revenge Ghost wouldn’t be alive today, he knew that. And maybe….no Ghost couldn’t change the past. He couldn’t change who he was and he couldn’t change the ways of the world. But the flashbacks clouding his mind did not ease up.
He just felt hollowed out. Like his very essence of being had been ripped from him. He felt so heavy. The pain following his every thought. His body trying to separate from the mind that is causing such harm to itself. But it was no use. The pain didn’t stop. Ghost could feel the tears run down. His expression however was still painfully numb. He couldn’t cry out.
He was just so tired.
So he grabbed the gun from under his pillow. He sat down on the ground. He wanted to pull his mask of. Wanted to be brave enough to be Simon in his last few moments but he couldn’t. He felt pathetic really. But he saw no other way out. When he looked into his future all he saw was an immense darkness. When he looked into his past all he felt was immense pain.
Ghost slowly raised the gun to his head. He was glad Johnny wasn’t here to witness this. The selfish part of him wanted him to see. Wanted to see him care. But he couldn’t do such a thing to him. Not when he had been the only light in his dark life.
With that thought Ghost smiled. “Goodbye Johnny” Ghost said into his empty room.
There was a sharp knock on his door. “Simon, open the door we need to talk.” Price. Price was on his door. Ghost froze. Shock in his eyes. “Simon, son, you hear me?” Price asked again, worry etching into his voice.
Ghost couldn’t answer. It was as if he had lost all control over his body. He couldn’t move. “Simon, I swear to god if you don’t open the door right know, I will come in on my own!” Price said more sternly failing to mask the slight fear. “Fucking move” Ghost thought. Wishing Simons weakness wouldn’t be his downfall.
So when Ghost didn’t reply, Price took his key and openend the door. When he saw Ghost he froze for a moment. Ghosts eyes blown wide.
Price closed the door behind him. “Ok son, put down the gun.” Price ordered, hoping to sound steady but failing.
Ghost sat there still frozen to the place. His mind was going 150 miles per hour. “I-….listen-….Price-“
“Simon, breathe.” Price slowly walked towards him, looking for any kind of movement. But Ghost didn’t move. His shoulders slumped slightly. Price crouched down next to him, slowly grabbing the gun and prying Ghosts hands of.
“I’m sorry…”Ghost whispered. “I am too, son” Price said as he drew him in for a hug. And Ghost felt something break inside of him. They sat there for hours. Ghost sobbing into Price shoulder.
Price knew Simons life had been rough. He mourned the little hopeful boy, he never got to know and tried to piece him back together when he broke apart in his arms. “I am sorry, son. You didn’t deserve what happened to you. It was unfair. And I cant say anything but I am sorry and I am here for you.”