Chapter Text
2012, Stark Tower
Just after the battle of New York
Pain.
So much pain.
That was the only thing swimming through Loki's mind.
The Hulk had deemed his body an appropriate instrument for redecorating Stark's floors.
He did not share in the Hulk's interior design preferences.
Loki lay in the god-shaped crater, trying to clear his head. The lights above were doing nothing to ease his headache. He could feel bones mending, things inside being rearranged.
It was extremely uncomfortable, but unfortunately familiar.
He had died.
Again.
Because of Thanos' deal with Lady Death, Loki's daughter Hel, he will never stay dead.
Had Hel known the intentions behind the request Thanos made, she would not have agreed.
Thanos had made it sound benevolent.
It probably sounded like a good idea at the time.
Loki had never visited his daughter as often as he had since the bargain.
It has been 2 years now. He would briefly see Hel in her realm before his soul was sucked back into a healing body.
Over and over again.
It was never enough time for more than a hug, a kiss on the head and for her to say she was sorry.
Usually with tears.
So many tears.
He was tired of dying.
He was tired of living.
He was just bloody tired.
But as he healed now and his soul melded once again with his body, memories of the last week started seeping in.
As though trying to clear murky water to find pebbles at the bottom.
Glimpses of things, before a fog swallowed them back up.
One thing he was certain of, his mind had not fully been his own.
The memories were now similar to watching an old Midgardian flickering picture show.
He felt disconnected from them.
His mind cleared more and more each moment.
War.
They were at war.
On Midgard...why?
Had he come to help Thor?
No...that wasn't right.
Thor fought him.
Why?
A blue light in a staff, singing to him.
Hypnotizing...creating a mental fog.
A blue cube...calling to him.
He must hide it.
Wait, why did he think that?
Someone wants it... someone monstrous.
Himself? Or...
He needed to get it to Asgard...but...no...
The Titan had said to bring it to him.
He had planned to...at times. When his mind was a fog.
As though being in the dark and following the only small source of light.
But then other times, he felt panic. Urgency.
He had been running out of time to....to what?
Sabotage his own scheme?
Yes.... Did he accomplish that?
Yes... Probably?
Loki's bones mended enough, he could drag himself out of the depression in the floor.
He edged over to a set of pointless steps and propped up on them.
He took in a deep, steadying breath, trying to use familiar techniques to block out the pain.
Noises.
He turned to look behind him.
The Avengers stood together, posed.
They looked furious.
Rightfully so, from what he could remember.
He had played the villain after all.
He let a small smirk and huff escape, as he shifted position.
This was awkward.
And what did he always do when things felt awkward?
Try to lighten the tension with unwise chatter. Something he thought Stark might relate to.
"If it's all the same to you.... I'll have that drink now."
He managed a self-deprecating half smile.
They didn't seem to appreciate his humor.
Didn't even acknowledge that he spoke.
He was slightly disappointed.
Stark had been witty and their banter amusing. He had hoped the continuation of it would have some effect.
Thor stepped up to him and Loki flinched, trying not to cower. Thor stood him up, and thankfully, his legs and spine had recovered enough to stand on his own.
It hurt.
Throbbing, stabbing, burning pain.
Stark strode away, irritated.
"Let's get this over with. We can stand around posing up a storm later."
The Widow carried away the scepter and Loki was more than relieved to see it go.
The insufferable Captain walked by with his righteous attitude, giving commands as their self appointed leader. Loki couldn't help but mimic him, briefly using a tinge of seidr to copy his form.
He wondered if any of them would catch on to the fact he could have taken on any of their images.
Any mortal image.
It would have been easy to silently take over Midgard using such a skill.
To his disappointment, nobody seemed to be giving him any spare thought now that he was apprehended.
Thor did not appreciate the humor.
The oaf had never been one to make light of situations to help cope, like Loki had.
Thor slapped the muzzle on, no care for how it may bruise or cut into his skin.
It was typical for Thor not to think on Loki's skills as any form of threat. Neither the fact he could shift form, nor the fact he could use magic even now, bound and gagged.
He could escape easily.
But being brought back to Asgard had been the desired outcome of this charade.
He would be safe from Thanos, home, and have saved Midgard for Thor.
Although, he needed to explain the situation for Thor to realize it.
He was never one to puzzle out such things without Loki prompting him.
Now that Thor muzzled him, he didn't have to worry about his mouth running away with idiotic quips while awaiting an opportunity to speak with his brother in private.
Loki knew he needed to address the chaos in his mind.
He knew that given the chance, he may break down and humiliate himself with tears and pathetic sobs.
But no.
He wouldn't allow himself to think on it now.
Stay in the moment, only think about what is happening now.
Not before.
Not after.
After....he would have to face Odin and Frigga.
They thought him dead, perhaps it would be a bittersweet reunion.
Once he explained the threat.
That he was covertly undermining the Titan's plans.
That he had useful information for the inevitable battle.
Perhaps he would even be considered...not a hero, but maybe appreciated?
Though he doubted it.
He had never been able to get that elusive emotion from others. It was like water in oil. In the past, he would often hope that maybe this time...only for the consequences to be far worse than he would have imagined.
Perhaps, if Thor could be brought to understand before arriving on Asgard... perhaps he would help the Allfather to see as well. Odin always responded better to Thor.
There were very few times Odin truly gave Thor dire consequences. When he started a war on Jötunheimr due to an insult of his manhood being the worst. They had killed almost as many Jötunn in less than an hour than Loki did in this whole 'war'.
Thor had not been tortured into doing it and had firm control of his mind and body.
What Loki had done on Midgard should be worth praise and not considered an offense, as what Thor had done.
Odin had conquered all nine realms through battle. In this, Loki was acting as his father once had. Perhaps Odin would acknowledge the value of Loki's skill in a war of many levels. It took great strategic ability to do as he did. If Father could only see the truth of these events, Loki may even be revered.
Loki still had his doubts though.
He needed father to hear him out. With Thor as his advocate, he was sure to succeed. As soon as he has time alone, he would explain to Thor...
They were filing into the elevator when the Avengers stopped the Hulk from coming in. The look on the beast's face was amusing.
Hulk glared at him, as if it was his fault.
Which was ridiculous.
If he wanted to switch places, he would gladly take the stairs alone.
Loki waved at Hulk, just to aggravate him.
While the Hulk scares him, he was also thankful. Had Hulk not killed him, he would still be under Thanos' influence.
Once they filed out of the elevator, it became apparent another team of people were coming to speak with them.
Pierce, he had said.
Loki stopped paying attention to the interaction of Thor and these mortals. It was mundane. Nothing would happen unless Thor wanted it to.
There should be a time later when he would be given a meal. With the muzzle removed, he could ask for Thor. It might be worth pressing the notion of taking the scepter along with the Tesseract to Asgard. It must contain an infinity stone for it to be so powerful. He was sure the Titan had not been made aware of that, or Loki would not have been entrusted with it. But his seidr interacted with it in ways that would suggest its true power.
Loki was pushed forward and stumbled in surprise at the shove.
He scowled at Thor with his eyes, trying to convey annoyance. But Thor wasn't paying attention to him, eyes fixed on the other man.
"I will be back to discuss terms further, once I have consulted with the Allfather and have a means to return. If you wish retribution for his actions, this is your time for it. Make use of the collar. No containment on Midgard will be efficient for a Mage of his strength. Use it well and be precise. You would not wish to release his wrath on your realm."
Loki looked between Thor and the other man, brow furrowed.
What was going on?
Thor wasn't leaving him here.
With this man.
Was he?
He hadn't told Thor of what happened!
He had not explained his actions!
He has to warn them of the upcoming threat!
Loki turned to fully look at Thor, trying to catch his attention. He resorted to protesting sounds through the muzzle and trying to grab Thor's arm.
Thor was ignoring him.
But he had to listen!
His muffled sounds became more desperate, but Thor shot him an angry snarl, which had Loki flinching back.
Thor turned back to the paperwork the mortals were having him fill out.
The mortal man, Pierce smiled at Loki with a greedy gleam in his eyes. While keeping eye contact with Loki, Pierce spoke smoothly, "We are forever grateful for this opportunity. Asgard has our thanks. We will not hold the actions of this one man against your world."
Loki swallowed hard.
This was really happening.
But what could he do?
Thor would not let him speak.
Thor did not want to know.
Should he fall on his knees and beg? In front of all these Mortals? The ones who defeated him, no less. He couldn't bring himself to do that. If Thor was the one to talk to the Allfather about his punishment, he needed Thor to understand!
He tried the sympathetic tactic.
Loki slowly and gently touched Thor's elbow, pleading desperation in his eyes. But Thor rounded on him and got in his face.
"I will NOT play your games, trickster! Do not think you can sway me with being even more pathetic than you already are! You have tested me too far, Loki. I will be betrayed by you no more. I am done believing there is good in you. It is clear, your Frost Giant tendencies will never be tamed! I rid my conscience of you liesmith. We are family no more. Now go with this man and take your punishments with some dignity, like a man. If it is even possible."
Thor gave a sneer of disgust before turning away from him again, back fully facing Loki.
Loki was stunned.
In shock.
What?
He.....I......what?
He faltered back a step.
Trying to breathe again.
So there it was.
Thor's true opinion of him.
It felt like a slap.
Loki was grabbed by the arms and led away. He stumbled backward, trying to watch Thor.
His mind raced, trying to find the broken links in Thor's view of him.
He had worried Thor would not accept his Jötunn heritage, but had hoped. Thor always claimed Loki as a brother, even during the battle. To be honest, Loki had thought Thor would wish to kill him upon learning of his race. It caused panic and desperation at the time of learning it himself. But he had been misled to think it did not matter to Thor during the battle. Thor had always defended against those who called him ergi. But perhaps knowing of his heritage on top of everything broke that belief. Could he feel betrayed by the knife he thrust into his side? It was so small and inconsequential. Surely not. Perhaps from being dropped in the cell? There had never been any doubt Thor would survive. Normally, Thor would relish the challenge. So what had set Thor against him so completely?
Loki was unresisting, his shock made him pliable and easy to maneuver for the men taking him away. Away from the last person that had loved him in the universe aside from his mother. Now only his mother....maybe. Would she feel the same as Thor? Did it matter anymore? He had always been mostly alone. Tagging along with Thor occasionally as a youth. He could always bring his grievances to his mother, he had always had her. But....had he ruined everything? Was he truly alone now?
Could this truly be the severance of any form of love?
All hope eliminated.
The only thing that had helped him survive Thanos.
How would he survive anything now?
He was alone in the universe.
Not one person who would think on him again.
The sharp pain in his chest sucked at his soul.
Sucked out all of his breath.
It felt as though he was being hollowed out.
The pain of losing everything and everyone.
The pain of rejection, of longing.
Of loss.
So much pain.
Pain.