Chapter Text
Intimacy is confusing for Rei. So many hoops to jump through, expectations to meet, potential for disappointment and unwarranted punishment. At least, that’s how it always felt when he was younger. Hugs were never shared without intentions of getting something in return, like intel or a piece of physical evidence off of a person. Beds only held two bodies as a part of a ploy. There were no fleeting touches or heartfelt sentiments passed through the Suwa clan.
Rei never minded, truth be told. He wasn’t a person worthy of affection, soft touches, or genuine words of praise. He was a fine-tuned, killing machine. There were no neurons firing with emotions or individual thoughts, only cogs to crank his joints into motion for a singular purpose.
His father always told him that interpersonal relationships never warranted profits, only setbacks and obstacles. Friends and family tied an assassin down. Made him weak, vulnerable to attacks. For years, he assumed that fact was true. Until he met Miri.
Kazuki by himself was a hovering nuisance when they first began cohabitating. He cleaned, cooked, did the household chores, nagged Rei to eat at least two meals per day. All things that Rei found inconsequential and rather mundane. He did what was needed for his body to function well enough on the job. Outside of that, what was the purpose?
His partner clearly felt differently about the importance of self care. From that expensive aftershave that he insisted on buying, to routine, warm baths with countless salts swirled into the water, Kazuki put ‘self care’ about many other things. Rei never made verbal comments, but the notion was ridiculous to him.
When Miri dropped into their lives like an atom bomb thrown from the heavens, Rei noticed the changes in Kazuki’s routines to incorporate the little girl. Baths were shorter, and used less water to ensure that Miri had enough for her own soak. Meals were more creative and laced with sneaky vegetables in various forms. His expensive soaps and bath salts were traded for more generic materials, while the spare bathroom filled with soaps made for a child’s delicate skin. The aftershave never left, though. Kazuki was unwilling to part with that.
Rei had to wonder if that was genuine love. Making sacrifices, albeit small ones at first, with completely selfless intentions. His partner never expected anything in return from Miri when he stayed up late to help her finish drawings for school, or made her a special dinner after a hard day. He did extra tasks with a smile on his face, and nary the whimper of complaint on his tongue.
The relationship he and Kazuki shared began to shift after Miri, until the lines between roommates, co-workers, and potential love interests all blurred. Fleeting touches began to graze Rei’s shoulder and waist, sending shivers through his system. There were soft, affection-filled gazes that Rei felt burning holes into his skin when he held their daughter, or reminisced on the life they left behind.
During early morning preparations in the diner, when it was just the two of them with soft music playing through the speakers, Rei would do his best to focus on going through inventory he would need for the breakfast rush. His attention would drift every now and then to Kazuki deep cleaning a booth, or rewriting daily specials on the chalkboard, always unsatisfied with his handwriting.
He’d aged nicely. Longer hair, new facial hair that remained wonderfully trimmed, crows feet at the corners of his eyes that developed with all the smiles he’d worn over the past two years.
Rei never mentioned any of these things: it always felt too intimate, too close. Whatever they were, whichever line they were treading could have been obscured and shattered with so little as a nudge. But the thoughts were there. He admired the way Kazuki aged: with grace, poise, and patience as he adjusted to Miri being their full-time commitment, and even Rei’s newfound injured arm.
He never pushed Rei’s limits, or demanded more than what he willingly gave. And Rei really did his best: to still contribute to their household in what little ways he could without assistance. He made shopping lists, washed dishes, folded laundry, and helped Miri with homework. On his own accord, Rei kept track of his own physical therapy appointments, and tried his hardest to be as little of a burden on Kazuki as possible. The physical scar and impairment of his arm were signs of his dedication to their little family, and Rei would do it all over again if need be.
Where Kazuki aged into a genuinely beautiful soul, Rei aged into a dependent, reserved man who lacked the courage to voice his feelings. To him, Kazuki would never share the sentiments that he has. There was no way that their relationship could venture from platonic to romantic on the flip of a switch like Rei has been imagining. They work so well together as co-parents, why not life partners too?
Because, Rei has to remind himself. Kazuki deserves better. Kazuki is better. Kazuki has needs that I could never meet. He gives so much, and all I do is take.
The thoughts are irrational, but Rei can’t find it in himself to stop them once they get going. Until one night, he allows himself to shut those thoughts off when Kazuki throws him for a loop.
They are sitting on the couch together, the hum of their television playing a Japanese drama that neither are truly paying any attention to. Kazuki is knitting, a hobby he’d taken up in recent months after finding out that an adoption center was looking for spare hats and scarves for the winter. Rei made fun of him for looking like a “disgruntled old woman” when his beginners creations looked malformed, but underneath it all, Rei found his critical eyes adorable.
Rei is focused on twirling a pencil between the fingers of his right hand, another exercise given by his occupational therapist to improve his grip strength and dexterity. His hand would never return to full functionality, Rei knew that, but he tried nevertheless to get it as strong as he could. The woman in the television slaps a man across the face, and Kazuki snorts. Rei raises an eyebrow curiously.
“The guy got caught cheating. When she asked what the deal was, he said ‘the sex is better elsewhere’.” He tuts, and shakes his head. “What a terrible excuse.”
“Is there a good excuse for infidelity?” Rei ponders to nobody in particular, grunting in annoyance when the pencil plops into his lap again.
Next to him, Kazuki drops his current project. “No. But make up something more creative if you’re caught red handed.” The blonde gestures vaguely, using the moment to stretch his fingers. “‘I tripped and fell. Into her vagina, but it was a complete accident!’ See how much better that sounds?”
Rei pauses, then casts his co-parent a critical gaze. “It sounds almost worse.”
“But at least it’s funnier.” Kazuki shrugs, a smile playing at his lips.
Conversations like this make Rei’s stomach warm. Clearly not because of the subject matter, but the fact that they’re sitting together in silence, completely at ease with one another, simply unwinding from their joint day. Miri is tucked away in bed, their cat is curled up on the arm of their couch. It feels so natural, so right.
The pencil in his hand falters between his middle and ring finger, and Rei hisses as a shock jolts through his fingertips. This happens from time to time, when his muscles are starting to give out after being pushed too hard. Kazuki’s copper eyes are boring holes into the side of his head, Rei can feel them, but he doesn’t dare to pass a glance.
“Does your hand hurt?”
“It’s fine.”
Kazuki places his project on the coffee table and sighs fondly. “I thought you might tell the truth. How on earth could I be so naive?”
The couch dips and then fills with sudden emptiness as Kazuki wanders to his bedroom and returns moments later with oil. When he sits again, it’s facing Rei with an expectantly open hand.
“Give.”
Rei hesitates, neck feeling suspiciously warm. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“I’ve watched your therapist do it enough, I think I get the idea.” Kazuki’s left leg is bent on the couch, knee providing a constant point of connection between the two of them. “Your hand is tired, and I need it functioning for breakfast in the morning”
Carefully, he places his hand in Kazuki’s outstretched ones. His palms are slightly calloused from years of use: first to hold a gun, and recently to hold a spatula. Those eyes study Rei’s scarred hand, and he hums.
“You’ve been pushing yourself a little hard lately with these exercises, don’t you think?”
“It’s just my hand.”
Kazuki’s disapproving face reads ‘it’s more than that’, and Rei knows it. That’s why he focuses on the contrast of their skin: Kazuki’s is tan against his own pale color. How would that blend of colors look with their fingers laced together..?
Wait, what?
Rei blinks. Where did that thought come from? Completely unaware of his mental dilemma, Kazuki deposits a generous amount of oil into his palms and begins lathering it over Rei’s skin. Careful to move with the grain of his muscle, his thumbs begin working through the taught skin of Rei’s palm. It stings slightly. Perhaps he really had been working his hand a little too much.
“Your hand is so much stronger than a few months ago,” Kazuki’s voice is warm and soft against Rei’s eardrums, and he gives a hum of acknowledgement in response. “You’ve been working so hard. I’m proud of you.”
It’s a simple statement, filled with so much weight that makes him shift uncomfortably. Kazuki is so close, speaking only for him to hear, with all attention dedicated to Rei’s pained arm. Rei can feel that heat in his neck starting to creep up to his jaw. The lighting is dim, and he hopes nothing is showing. He doesn’t get flustered.
Instead of a simple thank you, Rei clears his throat. “Sorry that I haven’t been more helpful.”
Kazuki’s thumbs pause for a moment, and he cocks his head on an angle. “What… do you mean?”
“Around the house, I… I’ve been so focused on my therapy exercises, I tire my hand out before I can really help you.”
It isn’t true in reality, Rei does what he can and Kazuki has always been vocal about his appreciation. But he isn’t used to this: being so close to another person, putting his most vulnerable parts in their hands. This is the intimacy that he fears, and often runs from.
“That’s a load of bull, and you know it.” The older man tsks. “You help plenty. Now that Miri is more independent, it’s easier for both of us.”
What happens when Miri leaves? When she’s all grown up and leaves the two of you to venture on her own? The thought makes his stomach churn. That’s something to address later.
“We wouldn’t be here without you, Rei. Even with this little injury.” Kazuki’s smooth voice brings him back to the moment.
“A crippling injury.”
“You aren’t-“
“It’s a useless limb now. It’s fine to call it what it is.”
Again, Kazuki gives him a disapproving look, but drops the topic. Silence settles for a few minutes while his former partner works his way up Rei’s arm, giving special attention to the pressure points that make Rei wince ever so slightly. The TV returns to the played out drama, and Rei grimaces at the forced make-out session between the love interest and his mistress. They look beyond uncomfortable. Rei remembers feeling like that so many years ago.
”Soften your shoulders when I kiss you. Nobody likes a stiff board beneath them.” The man has black hair and stubble that leaves a raw feeling on Rei’s skin wherever it trails. He’s gasping for air, trapped underneath a body too muscular for him to force away. He’s only thirteen with soft muscles of his own.
“You’re to be obedient,” his trainer says, lips drawing a searing line down the side of Rei’s neck. “Almost… like a whore. Men like that, you know?”
No, Rei didn’t know. He’s hardly interacted with older men outside of the organization, and everybody within it regards him as a weapon. Not a person. Because that’s all he is, until… until this man told him otherwise. Suddenly, Rei isn’t a weapon being trained to kill, he’s a whore being taught how to properly please. That makes him a human at least, doesn’t it?
A noise climbs out of his throat. Rei is unsure where it came from.
“Has anybody ever touched you like this?” The man asks into the soft skin of Rei’s neck, and for a moment it tickles. He shivers. In lieu of a verbal answer, Rei shakes his head. Speak only when given permission, that was a lesson he learned early on.
“Has anybody else ever kissed you?”
Again, he shakes his head.
“Hm.” A smile develops on his trainers lips, but it makes Rei’s insides teeter between cold and hot, unsure of where to go. “Don’t I feel special then.”
Suddenly, his lips are being covered and Rei flinches. How did they end up here? How did he go from writing lessons to this? The man offered to check over his work, and the next thing he knows, Rei is on his back with a large, rough hand slipping beneath his shirt. It’s making his body uncomfortable, and blood moves to places he isn’t quite sure he wants.
There are no sounds in the room aside from the smacking of lips and harsh breaths from the adult. Rei feels frozen in place, unsure of what to do with himself. When the man pulls away, he grins something that borders on devilish.
“I can teach you something more. Think of it as training. You always love training, it’s all I see you do outside of our lessons.” Rei blinks, rummaging over the idea. “I’ll teach you how to love.”
The idea makes his eyes brighten, only a few degrees.
“After all, a beautiful boy like you can’t be alone the rest of your life.”
Beautiful? Rei? Nobody has ever so much as glanced in his direction before. The way his mentor is looking at him now makes something stir in his gut: he thinks it might be affection? Admiration? Appreciation? Rei’s never been good at identifying his feelings.
Whatever it is: this man has made Rei into a person again. Right here, in between them, he doesn’t feel like a machine, but a boy who wants to experience life. And if he’s going to do that, he needs help.
“Will… you show me?” Rei’s voice scratches against his throat, but it’s full of hope. He doesn’t think he can handle being rejected, and he’s already putting his neck on the line by speaking out of turn. Yet, instead of scolding, his mentor grins.
“Speaking out of turn, hm?” His chuckle can be felt in Rei’s core, as a hand ventures further in his shirt to tweak a nipple. “Good boy. You’re growing more confident.” Rei gasps and closes his eyes, a hand clamping over his traitorous mouth. “I’ll show you,” the man continues as he undulates his hips and Rei feels a strange, warm friction. “How to be loved, and give love. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“… I think so.”
The man’s hand drifts from his shirt and eases him back into a sitting position. Rei’s head is spinning, but he allows his mentor to corral him onto the floor, in between his open knees. Sitting back, the man looks even bigger where he towers over the thirteen year old. Rei can’t tell whether he likes that fact or not. There’s a hand gripping his jaw that forces their eye contact.
“If we are going to have these lessons, then I need you to know. These are secret lessons, understand me, Rei? If you keep this,” he accentuates his point by grabbing Rei’s smaller hand and placing it over his crotch. Immediately, Rei realizes that this is what he felt against his hip earlier. “A secret, then I promise to show you all the love in the world. Can you guarantee that you won’t tell anybody?”
Rei nods, but the answer isn’t enough. His mentor tightens the hand holding Rei’s mandible. “I need to hear you say it.”
“I’ll never tell anyone. Not Boss, or anybody else in the organization.”
Another grin graces the man’s face, and Rei melts in his hand. This man was safe. This man would teach him what it feels like to be a real person, free from titles and expectations.
“Perfect. Now why don’t you unbutton my pants for me?”
“Yo, Rei!”
Kazuki’s voice breaks him from his thoughts and he blinks wildly. Why are his eyes burning? How long have they been open?
“Are you good? You spaced on me pretty bad.”
“I… yes.”
Kazuki doesn’t look convinced. He’s since stopped rubbing Rei’s appendage, hands now planted firmly in his shoulders. The touch sears his skin, even through the thin fabric of his nightshirt.
“You don’t look good, you’re pale.”
“I’m always pale.”
“More pale than usual.”
Rei’s eyes calm after hydrating, and he looks back at the TV screen. “If I’m not being useful, then I… have no reason to live.”
“What-“
“I killed before. That was my purpose. Then I couldn’t shoot with my dominant hand, and I was useless to my father.” Why is he speaking? Rei can’t control the words streaming from his lips. “I cook, but always need help with certain tasks. I clean as much as I can. But I’m weak. Physically. Maybe mentally.” When he looks back to this co-parent, his friend, Rei feels a sudden surge of emotions running through his veins. “I don’t feel like me. I don’t even know who ‘me’ is.”
Kazuki’s voice comes out barely a whisper. “Oh, Rei.” He grabs his uninjured hand and squeezes. “You’re so many beautiful things wrapped in one. You’re a great parent, a business owner, a former assassin who righted his wrongs, a dork who plays video games made for teenagers. You’re my best friend, my driving force when things get hard, my moral compass.”
Suddenly there’s a hand on his cheek, smooth thumb wiping away-are those tears? Is he crying?
“You’re a beautiful, powerful, resilient force to be reckoned with.” Kazuki shifts closer, holding Rei’s face like he’s a delicate artifact. He might suffocate. He’s a dying man who desperately needs air, and the source is sitting right there…
“Kazuki, I…”
The older man seems to read his mind perfectly, and grins with nothing but affection behind it.
“It’s okay, Rei.”
Suddenly, they’re kissing. It’s a needy kiss on Rei’s part, and he whines from deep within his body, but Kazuki does a good job anchoring him in place with two hands framing his face. The butterflies that take to the sky in his stomach make Rei shift restlessly.
Curse this man for always knowing what Rei needs from him. No words will be spoken and yet Kazuki will fill the gaps in Rei’s brain. It’s a talent, Rei thinks. During the forced breaks for breath, the blonde continues to mumble encouraging words into their shared space. Affirmations of “it’s okay” and “you’re okay” make Rei want to combust.
He feels alive in Kazuki’s arms. Like a living, breathing, functioning person. Now that he’s gotten a taste, he never wants to let this feeling go. But…
Rei yanks back suddenly. “Shit… shit, I’m… I’m sorry, I didn't even ask before I…” he’s doing this all wrong, exactly the opposite of what he was taught when he was thirteen and trying to navigate intimacy for the first time with his mentor. Immediately, Rei tries to think back to his lessons.
Forcing his mouth to relax is harder than Rei thought it would be. His throat hurts, his eyes sting with unshed tears, the salty taste is heavy and nauseating on his tongue.
“That’s it, sweetheart.” His mentor praises gruffly, eyes lidded when they gaze down at the boy on his knees. “Just like that. Use your tongue a little more.” A groan vibrates from above and Rei feels the smallest instances of pride peek through.
“No man will want to keep you if you can’t do this well,” he supplies as fingers sink into Rei’s dark locks and force him down until he can’t breathe. “This is how you show your worth to him, understand? He’ll never want to keep you if you can’t make him come.”
Panting, Rei looks from Kazuki’s red face to his lap, brain already six steps ahead of his body. He didn’t plan for this to happen, but now that it has, he feels nothing but pressure. How long has Rei been hoping for this? There’s no way in hell he can let this slip by.
“I didn’t say that you had to stop.” Kazuki murmurs breathlessly with a content smile.
Rei is shocked into action, and he fists the rough cotton of Kazuki’s shirt into his good fist, practically throwing himself into the other man’s lap. His enthusiasm is rewarded with a soft groan from the man below him, and suddenly, Rei feels in control. This is familiar, he can handle this.
As if driven by an outside force, Rei sinks his teeth into Kazuki’s bottom lip briefly before soothing it with a swipe of his tongue. That tease is enough for Kazuki to open his mouth further in invitation, another pleased sound escaping him as Rei explores his mouth. He tastes faintly of tea, and overwhelmingly unique: a specific Kazuki taste that somehow makes perfect sense to Rei.
There are hands on his waist, holding firm with a grip that’s more comforting than daunting. Rei shifts even closer until their torsos are flush, and revels in the way Kazuki’s own breathing stutters for a moment.
“Holy-you’re so beautiful, I-I can’t believe this is happening.” Kazuki murmurs as Rei begins to leave feather-light kisses down the side of his neck. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long, you have no idea.”
“Really?” Rei inquires half heartedly, more focused on sucking a light mark into the skin of his partner’s shoulder. Easily hidden beneath a shirt. He remembers from his lessons: don’t leave visible marks. Then it becomes harder for everyone involved.
“Yes.”
“I'm sorry.” It isn’t often that Rei apologizes like this. He’s no good with words, and speaks through his actions. “I’ll make up for the wait.”
Rei’s good hand rubs the front of Kazuki’s pajama pants, and the man groans softly. “Y-you don’t have to ‘make up’ for anything, idiot.” Rei can feel his stomach contract as Kazuki chuckles, but he’s hardly listening anymore. He has a goal now. He wants Kazuki, and he has to make him want Rei in return before this whole situation derails.
With a steady hand, he peels the pajama pants down enough to free his partner’s cock, already showing interest. It’s smaller than the one Rei had taken in the past, but that makes it easier. He takes a moment to admire the curve and color of it, beautifully pink. Rei wraps his lips around the tip, sucking enough to draw a moan from Kazuki’s lips. It’s music to his ears.
“Rei-“
Without hesitation, Rei relaxes his throat and sinks down on Kazuki’s cock in one swift motion. His partner spasms against him, fingers tightening in Rei’s dark hair. The sensation is addictive, but Rei can’t focus on himself right now. This isn’t about him, it’s about Kazuki and giving him the pleasure he wants. Judging by the guttural, muffled moan, he must be feeling the effects rather quickly.
“F-fuck, Rei.”
The flesh against his tongue has long since hardened despite the short time he’s been at it and Rei swells with pride. In his mind, this is going as well as it possibly could. Kazuki sounds as though he’s unraveling at the seams, and Rei surges ahead. He bobs his head with muscle memory, dropping his nose into the thatch of curly, wiry hair at Kazuki’s pelvis. When the blonde above him arches his back as his mouth drops open in a silent shout, Rei muffles his own moan around the pulsating member in his mouth.
It gets an even better reaction.
“R-Rei, slow down, I-I-“ a high pitched whine cuts him off. “Close, close, close-“
Rei feels as though he isn’t in control of his body anymore. As soon as he heard the word “close”, his mind shut down entirely. His left hand sneaks up to grope deliciously at the tightened balls within his reach, massaging the delicate skin in sure fingers.
One goal.
Show him you’re worthy, make him see that you can be useful and give him pleasure, you’re good for something. If nothing else, you know you can give him this whenever he wants, whenever he needs.
Distantly, Kazuki’s voice rings in his ears, but Rei can’t tell if it’s laced with pleasure, concern, or disgust. The body beneath his fingertips is tensing further and further until his mouth is flooded with warm, wet, salty ribbons. Rei’s throat contracts around his cock and milks the orgasm from his partner, rewarded with a few stray spurts after the worst of it passes. Finally, he pulls off and plops back onto his feet.
The pressure on his knees is the only thing that Rei can feel, and there’s a nagging, high pitched tone obscuring his sense of hearing. He’s looking at Kazuki’s stomach as it rapidly rises and falls, although he isn’t seeing a single thing.
Seconds later, the world comes back into focus, but Rei isn’t on his knees anymore. He’s seated on the couch, with Kazuki taking his former position between his own knees. Only this time, he isn’t focused on pleasure, his face is twisted in concern.
“You with me again?” Kazuki asks gently, a hand planted firmly on Rei’s shoulder to steady him.
“Kazuki..? What…”
The blonde heaves a breath, shoulders slumping. When Rei glances down, he notes that he’s properly dressed again. How did he do that so quickly?
“You zoned out for a good five minutes, I was close to calling for help.” Kazuki explains with a tight voice. “I couldn’t get you to snap out of it.”
Shit. No, no no no, I messed it up, I messed it all up again, I failed and Kazuki doesn’t want me now.
Rei’s chest constricts, as though someone is dropping all their weight unrestricted onto his torso. His pulse skyrockets, lungs spasming. His hands begin to shake. “I-I… I’m sorry, I…”
“You’re sorry? For-“
“I can do it again? I-I’m not tired, I’ll do it properly this time. Please let me-“ he’s only felt this way once before, when his mentor smacked him for fading momentarily from a lack of oxygen during one of their more strenuous lessons. Panic is seizing his very soul, those scrawny fingers wrapping his entire being.
Just as Rei tries to reach for Kazuki’s shirt with the intent to remove it, a young and tentative voice interrupts the chilling moment.
“Papa Kazuki? Do we still have juice?”
Miri looks exhausted, walking through a cloud of sleep on a mission for only juice. She barely even looks in their direction as she enters the kitchen, unaware of the scene she walked in on.
Kazuki looks between Rei and the kitchen doorway. “Yes honey, I got a new bottle of cranberry just for you.” Rei stands on his own accord, body moving against his wishes. The two of them shuffle around one another as Kazuki attempts to keep Rei in place without laying a hand on him. Rei understands. He’s disgusted with himself too. There’s no way that Kazuki would want to touch him after the problems he caused.
“I don’t see it.” Miri whines. The blonde curses under his breath. In an instant, Rei makes for the stairs without so much as a second glance to either of his family members. Miri didn’t need to see him like this: falling apart at the seams, failing at another aspect of his life. He was a terrible role model for her, each day seemed to cement that fact more and more. What little successes Rei had were unimportant to the grand scheme of their lives.
There’s a hushed, frantic whisper of his name somewhere in the distance. Rei takes the stairs two at a time, body burning with the desire to run as far as he can. He softly shuts his bathroom door, clicks the lock into place, and crumbles to his knees. There may be tears, Rei can’t be bothered to check. Distantly, he hears soft knocks accompanied by a pleading voice, but exhaustion overtakes his heavy bones and he passes out before anything can come of it.