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If Hitori had to pick one word to describe herself, it'd be "failure".
She couldn't talk to people, she dropped out of high school in her second year, she lost her passion for playing guitar, she couldn't even keep a job at the local convenience store. It was pathetic.
All she could do these days was stay holed up in her closet and drink can after can of alcohol, hoping that no one acknowledged her. At first, her family tried to coax her out, but they eventually stopped trying for the most part when they realized she wasn't going to come out. Her parents still tried to at least get her to eat dinner with them, not even asking her to go job searching anymore. She knew she couldn't, though. She couldn't bring herself to be in their presence with how much she disappointed them. They didn't deserve someone like her as their daughter. At least, Futari was there to make sure they still had a child they could be proud of.
Failure was definitely the word for her.
It was another late night, one where the only thing keeping her company were her incessant thoughts. She was scrolling through guitar videos on Ohtube. It was a horrible idea since all it did was make her remember how her channel eventually got less and less views until she stopped uploading completely, which just drove her to drink in an attempt to forget it, which just made her look at more videos, and suddenly, it was morning, and she had a pounding headache. At least, that's how it usually went.
Tonight, she ran out of drinks and had to buy some more. Her parents generously left some money for her outside of the closet, enough to buy a pack and some more if she really wanted to. She wasn't sure if it was the best idea for them to enable her drinking habits, but she wasn't complaining since it was the one thing that let her forget about everything and just exist without being constantly assaulted by her thoughts.
She threw on her usual pink tracksuit and quietly walked out the door. Luckily, the convenience store was right next to her house, so she didn't have to talk to anyone besides the convenience store clerk. It was simple enough that even worthless trash like her could do it without having to bother her parents any more than usual.
After a few minutes, she found herself at the convenience store. It was a small but comfortable place. She'd been there so much that she lost track of how many times she saw the familiar welcome sign on the front door. It was probably better that she lost count after she reached somewhere in the fifties. Knowing how many times she visited there would probably depress her even more. She stared at the door, took a deep breath, and walked in.
The first thing she saw when she walked in was the familiar, blonde clerk at the cash register. The girl looked like she was going to fall asleep, but she instantly perked up the moment she saw Hitori.
"Welcome," the blonde said with a grin, the strand of hair sticking up on her head almost looking like it was wagging.
Hitori did her best to smile back and waved. Usually, her social anxiety completely stopped her from having even the most basic of interactions with people, but the blonde clerk was an exception. Maybe it was because of years of this same exact situation happening, or maybe it was because the other girl just made her feel calm. Either way, she was probably the only person Hitori could talk to without feeling like she was going to die.
"The usual?" the blonde asked.
Hitori nodded and went to the aisle she'd grown to know so well. With practiced, robotic precision from having repeated this same process hundreds of times, she grabbed a pack of Strong Kyomu, her favorite drink, and brought it up to the clerk.
The blonde let out a cute giggle (Hitori immediately hated herself when she thought of the word "cute" because she was just a creep and a weirdo and had no right to think about other people like that) and said, "You know, after seeing you always buy this stuff, I got curious and decided to try it. It was a bit too intense for me."
Hitori nodded, unsurprised. She opened her mouth to talk but found that she couldn't form any words after not having talked in so long. She cleared her throat to try to reboot her vocal chords before trying again. Scrambling for words, she stuttered, "Y-yeah... It was a lot for me too when I first tried it... b-but I got used to it. It's addictive, and it gets me drunk enough, so I can't complain."
The words came out of her before she could stop them. It probably wasn't a good idea to be talking about her drinking habits with the convenience store clerk, and she probably made her really uncomfortable and now she'd hate her and never want to talk to her again and-
"Yeah, I get that."
Huh?
The confusion must've shown on her face because the other girl let out another cute but humorless laugh. "It's not like I don't drink, too. We all have our bad days and just need a drink to relax."
Hitori let out a sigh of relief. Even though it was more like a bad life instead of a few bad days for her, the girl was close enough.
The other girl suddenly froze before she plastered a strained smile onto her face and said with obviously forced cheer, "I'm so sorry you had to see that, most valued customer. Please ignore that ever happened."
"It's fine," Hitori dismissed with a wave. "I'm not a snitch. You can be honest around me. Retail sucks."
The girl laughed again, more genuine this time. "Thanks. It means a lot that you're treating me like an actual person and not like some machine."
Hitori nodded as she paid for her drinks. "Keep the change, you need the money more than I do," she said, feeling a little guilty that she was basically giving away her parents' money, but that something the Hitori of tomorrow could feel guilty about.
The girl looked like she wanted to object, but Hitori was already walking away from the counter before she could say anything. She said over her shoulder, "Take care of yourself. See ya."
There was a moment of silence before the girl yelled out, "Hey, wait!"
Hitori looked back, wondering if she was forgetting something. That was impossible since she only brought money, and she gave all of that to her. Did she suddenly change her mind and decided she was going to call the police on her? What if she went to jail and-
"Ah... Well..." the girl said, uncharacteristically hesitant. Hitori had never seen her act like this before. "I know this is coming out of nowhere, but... do you wanna hang out sometime? Like when I'm not at work."
Before Hitori even had time to process the question, she already found herself saying, "No."
The girl flinched, her smile falling off her face. "O-oh. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't wanna hang out with some random convenience store clerk."
"A-ah, no, i-it's not that," Hitori said as she frantically shook her head. "I'm just... I can't... I-it's not you, it's me." She couldn't tell her that she was a good-for-nothing nobody who just stayed in her closet all day and was terrified of the real world, so she'd just have to hope she understood what she was saying.
"Oh, I... see?" the girl said, more of a question than a statement. "Well... here." She scribbled something down on a piece of paper and gave it to Hitori. "My number, in case you change your mind."
Hitori stared at the piece of paper that was in her hand, not sure if it was a blessing from an angel or a temptation from the devil. Luckily, she remembered that she was supposed to say something in situations like these. She managed to choke out, "...T-thank you, I'll keep it in mind."
She turned around and left as quickly as possible before the clerk could say anything else to her.
As she was walking home, all she could think of was how stupid she'd been acting. Maybe if she was normal and not an idiot, she could've just said yes and accepted her invitation. She could've actually gone out of the house for once for something that wasn't drinks, but no, she just had to ruin everything like she usually did. Not that someone like her even deserved the company of anyone else.
She let out a groan and ripped out one of the cans from the pack. It probably wasn't a good idea to start drinking before she even got home except she really needed it right now. The cold, fruity, alcoholic sting filled her mouth as she chugged it as fast as she could, willing for the drink to work its magic. It took a bit, but she finally got the pleasant buzz in her mind that drowned out all her thoughts. As long as she didn't have to think, she'd be fine.
A sigh of relief. She felt herself calm down as she stumbled a bit, her vision growing a little blurry. The piece of paper was still in her hand, dampened by the sweat that got on it from her tight grip. She... really didn't deserve this. She found the nearest trash bin and threw in the paper as quickly as she could. The less she lingered on these things, the better it'd be for her.
Without even realizing it, she found herself in front of her house. She reached up to the doorknob to enter before she froze in place. It just hit her how truly meaningless she was. This couldn't be all that life was for her. Was this all her life would amount to be? Week after week of this same exact thing? All of it was just her trying to reach the end of this week so that she could reach the end of next week so that she could reach the end of the week after that and. What even was the point?
How long was she going to do this, how long would she leech off her parents, repeating the same cycle of drinking until she blacked out, doing nothing with her life. She had to change this, and she would do it in the only way she knew how. By running away.
Hitori found herself on the roof of an abandoned building. She leaned against the railing as she looked down below at all the cars speeding along. She had recalled this building back in her high school days and was relieved to see it was still around. It made things a lot easier.
She took a deep breath and basked in the silence of the night. Her mind was the clearest it'd ever been in a long while, maybe in her entire life. Nothing was holding her back. She had a simple plan, and she knew what she had to do.
"Hey! What are you doing?"
A shrill, familiar voice pierced her ears. Normally, she would've jumped up at the sudden appearance of someone, especially a stranger. But not this time. She was calm, at peace with only one goal dead-set in her mind.
"Oh, hey. Didn't expect to see you here," Hitori said to the familiar blonde girl. She'd talk to her and wait for her to leave.
The blonde crossed her arms, a frown on her face. "You still didn't answer my question, you know."
"Just appreciating the view," Hitori smoothly replied with a shrug, surprised at her own ability to hold a conversation. "It's peaceful up here."
"Really," the blonde said, deadpan, more a statement than a question.
Hitori nodded. "Really."
It was silent between them. They stared at each other as if daring the other to say something. The silence, which was usually deafening and judgemental to hitori, was peaceful for once. She didn't know what the other girl was thinking, and really, she didn't care. All she knew was that she was delaying the inevitable. That was fine by her. She'd leave eventually.
Except she didn't.
To Hitori's surprise, the girl walked next to her and joined her, leaning against the railing. She looked out at the city and still said nothing.
"A-ah? W-what are you doing?" Hitori stuttered, feeling the usual anxiety come back to her. This wasn't supposed to happen, why did she choose to stay, what was she planning, wh-
The girl shrugged, mirroring what Hitori did before. "Just appreciating the view. You're right, it's peaceful up here."
"O-oh."
"I never did get your name, even though I see you all the time at the convenience store. My name's Nijika Ijichi."
Under normal circumstances, Hitori would've been wary of giving out her name to strangers, even if they technically weren't strangers, but these weren't "normal circumstances". "...H-Hitori Gotou."
Nijika nodded, and the silence deafened Hitori once more.
How long did she plan on staying here? Why was she talking to her? What did she want? Hitori could only think of endless questions, one question leading to five more, an endless barrage of thoughts that didn't leave her alone.
Nijika mercifully broke the silence and interrupted her downpour of thoughts.
"I tried making a band with my friend in high school. I played drums, and she played bass. Found a guitarist, and I actually thought we were actually gonna get somewhere. Until she ran off on us, at least." She paused and let out a sigh. "I couldn't find anyone to replace her. The band was a failure, and my friend and I slowly drifted apart until we stopped talking completely."
Hitori was stunned at the sudden life story from Nijika. What was she supposed to say? Was she supposed to sympathize? Be shocked? In the end, all she could muster was "A-ah... O...Okay?"
"My sister, Seika, and I drifted apart, too," Nijika continued as if she didn't hear Hitori. "She made a live house just for me, but I couldn't fulfill my dream of making a popular band just for her. It hurt to keep seeing the live house, so I decided to work at a convenience store instead of there." She fell silent and looked up at the starry night sky as if looking for something.
After having heard all this, Hitori still had no idea what to say or how to react to all this. She might not have had that much experience in socializing, but even she was sure that talking about deeply personal things like this to a stranger wasn't normal. She gathered her courage and asked, "...W-why?"
"Hm?" Nijika looked away from the stars and looked at Hitori.
Hitori flinched at the direct attention, but she kept talking. "A-all of this. Why are you telling me this?"
"Hm." Nijika looked back to the sky. "Honestly, I'm not really sure. Just a feeling that you're the same as me."
"...Same?" Hitori asked, even though she had a heavy feeling that she already knew the answer.
Looking away from the starry skies once more, Nijika looked at Hitori with a calm, steady gaze. Hitori stared back, finding some comfort for the first time in this conversation. She understood.
"...I come up here a lot," Nijika admitted. "I think about whether or not I should jump. My life's been a failure so far, and I'm not really sure how much I want to keep on going."
Hitori emphatically nodded. All the feelings that she never dared bring up, the feelings that she thought she was alone in, Nijika was saying them out loud. She heard her.
"I'm usually alone when I come up here. Didn't expect to see someone else up here, let alone you."
"I... I never really thought about dying before," Hitori said, quiet but sure in her words. "Well, I thought about it a lot but never about actually doing it. Until tonight, at least."
Nijika nodded and closed her eyes. She said nothing for a few seconds until she finally said, "...I've wanted to die, but I don't want to see anyone else die... which is why..." She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. "Come with me. Let's get off the roof and go back down. I don't want to see you die."
...Nijika didn't want to see her die? Hitori wasn't sure how to feel. She was feeling a lot of things. Relief at how some completely random stranger valued her life, but those same thoughts also annoyed her. Why did a random stranger care? She was nothing to her, a person who'd be replaced by another random stranger after she died. After all her deliberation and planning and getting herself motivated to come here, she was being told not to do it. And that made her mad more than anything.
Before she could stop herself, she pushed away Nijika and backed away from her. "Why?" she yelled, feeling tears start to blur her vision. "Why are you trying to stop me when you barely know me? Why do you care about me? Why should I care about a random person like you?"
Nijika stumbled a bit before she regained her footing. She seemed completely unsurprised at Hitori's reaction. "Honestly, you shouldn't care about me. You're right in that I'm basically a complete stranger... but... even if I can't save myself, maybe I can save you from this, so let me help you."
She held out her hand.
And Hitori...
Hitori reacted in the only way she knew how. She ran away. She couldn't handle all of this, it overwhelmed her. Nijika, their talk, how she wanted to see her live, her room, the building, life, all of it.
She closed her eyes and jumped over the railing, ready to welcome the peace and silence of death.
...At least, she was, until she felt someone grab her wrist.
Hitori snapped her eyes open and saw that Nijika jumped after her, one hand gripping the railing, the other hand clinging onto Hitori's wrist. Her palms were damp and sweaty as she kept an iron grip on Hitori.
"Come on!" Nijika yelled over the cars rushing below, trying to pull her up.
Hitori frantically shook her head. Things weren't meant to be like this. This wasn't supposed to happen. She didn't want to get anyone else involved, she just wanted to die. She didn't want anyone else to get hurt. She had to die.
"Let go of me, Nijika!" Hitori screamed back, tears freely running down her face. "Thank you for thinking about me, but I want this!"
Nijika shook her head and yelled, "No! I don't want to lose you, too!"
Hitori squeezed her eyes shut. She could already feel Nijika's grip weakening, dropping both of them the tiniest bit closer to the ground. "You're right, I don't want to see you die, so let go! If you don't let go of me, we'll both die!"
"Then how about we both don't die! Let's live for each other!" Nijika yelled as she tried pulling Hitori up. "I've always looked forward to seeing you, you know!"
Hitori felt herself falter when she heard Nijika looked forward to seeing her, but she shook her head. With a voice full of regret but no hesitation, she said, "No. Maybe in another life we would've met before this, and I could be happy playing in your band, but it's too late now."
Nijika said nothing, a stubborn scowl on her face as she tried pulling Hitori up. But eventually, she must've realized what Hitori said was true. If she didn't let go of her, they'd both die. She had one hand grasping Hitori and the other hand gripping the railing. She couldn't hold onto both of them, she had to choose one to hold onto.
She loosened her grip and let go.